Hey guys! It had been what? A week? I tried very much to get this out faster but I really had a crazy week! (And I have like a second bronchitis in a year… That's apart from the two pneumonias I had in the last year too!) But anyway here it is and I'll try to update real soon again!
I just love this chapter! I love this episode, and I know that technically there's already been a kiss in this episode, but hey, I wanted to rewrite it in my own way! Soooo here it is! Hurt/Comfort, you must've guessed! But this episode was just screaming for a Hurt/Comfort kiss! :D
I hope you'll like it! The POV changes half way through this story, but I've written it so you won't get to lost in all of this! See you all at the end!
That feeling in your gut…you gotta learn to listen to it. It's telling you what you need to do. You gotta learn to trust it."
Andy McNally
I pushed the door to the girl's locker room and immediately went to sit on the bench near the lockers. The room was empty and I was really thankful for that. I wasn't in the mood to tell anyone again how much I was fine because in fact, I wasn't fine at all. I just didn't like showing my weak side to everybody, so I always told everyone that I was fine, but I really thought that Luke would see through my lies, after all we'd been dating for a few months now, he should've know me.
Getting back on my feet, I changed from my uniform, but my mind was still on the events of this evening, I was also thinking about Luke, and I got to say that I didn't feel like the one I was calling my boyfriend really deserved this title tonight.
He was just so obsessed with his work. The spark I had seen in his eyes when he told me that the case was going to be huge discouraged me a little; he was more interested in the case than in me. I would've wanted so much for him to look at me with the same spark in his eyes, but it seemed like I was always the last thing on his priority list. It had never really bothered me, and I never really put a lot of thought into it, but tonight, after all the things I had been through today, I would've wanted him to stay with me. Especially after he volunteered, he wasn't even supposed to be on the team.
He didn't even have a word of encouragement; he didn't even hug me or anything. Exhaling deeply, I ran my hands across my face and I sat back on the bench. Kneeling down to tie my shoes, I heard the door open.
"Hey" he said. I would've recognised this voice anywhere.
"Hey" I only said, still concentrating on tying my shoes.
"Just got back from the hospital. Shaw's already milking this for all it's worth; made me do a burger run." He said while coming closer to me.
He sat on the empty spot just beside me, looking at his hands and his only presence made me feel a whole lot better than I was a few minutes ago.
"How long is he gonna be in for?" I asked trying to use a casual voice.
"A broken rib? Ah, he'll be out tomorrow; back on the job in a week." He told me on a light tone, just as nothing of this was important at all.
"God. If he thought I was cursed before..." I said with a small sarcastic laugh.
"Are you kidding me? He lost his gun. You... you got it back. I'd say you're his guardian angel right about now." He told me in a sincere voice.
I nodded, my eyes drifting back down on my hands that were resting on my lap. Regardless of what Sam and everyone said, I couldn't get rid of this feeling of guilt that was strangling me. I didn't know if it was because Oliver had been injured or because I had killed someone, but I felt really bad.
"Thanks" I said even if I didn't trust him, he was still trying to cheer me up, and he was doing it a lot better than a certain detective.
"How you doing?" He asked me with a concerned voice, still looking at me with an intense expression.
"Me? I'm... great. Totally fine." I said trying to make those words that I had be repeating all night feel real.
He didn't seem to believe me and I nodded vigorously, not really knowing who I was trying to convince: him or me. He nodded too, knowing that it wasn't really the truth but leaving me the choice not to talk about it.
"Okay. You killed someone today" He replied on a serious but comprehensive tone.
"Well, I didn't really have a choice, so..." I said while trying not to look at him, I couldn't manage to look weak right about now.
"You wanna talk about it?" He asked me with a look that was so concerned that I had trouble keeping my detached attitude.
"Not really, no" I finally said while moving my head from left to right.
"You change your mind, you call me." He only said.
I thanked him, I was really thankful for what he was trying to do for me. It wasn't a lot, but it was all that I would've wanted for Luke to do just a few minutes ago. I didn't want him to stay with me all night, but I would've wanted him to at least tell me to call him or to say that he would come see me later. I dont think it was too much for me to ask.
I finally allowed myself to look at him to show him how much I was grateful for the fact that he was here for me. He locked his eyes with mine and I shivered while his gaze stayed on me. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that a few months ago, I was thinking that Luke was the reliable one, but tonight, I could clearly tell that it was quite the contrary.
"Andy, you did everything right today. You trusted your gut, and you were right." He said seeing that I was still feeling guilty for what I had done.
"Mm-hmm" I mumbled, keeping my head low.
I tried to avoid his eyes for an instant before gazing one more time into his deep brown eyes. They were so full of concern and compassion for me that I lost myself in them for a moment; taking in the comfort he was providing me only by looking at me with that look.
For a few seconds, I surprised myself wanting to cuddle up in his arms and I lowered my eyes, nodding to tell him that I was all right. He observed me for a small amount of time, looking like he wanted to tell me something more, but he didn't.
"Okay. All right." He said before getting up and heading for the exit.
He didn't look back and disappeared behind the door while I was still following him with my eyes. I would've almost wanted him to stay with me, to force me to talk, I would've wanted him to tell me that he knew that I wasn't fine and that he would stay with me. But I had to admit that I assured him that I was fine too many time for him to stay with me.
I stared at the door while it closed and turned my eyes to the ceiling before lowering them back down to my knees, biting my upper lip trying not to cry. I finally got up from the bench and grabbed my back before heading towards the door. After all, I was a big girl, I was able to look after myself for one evening, I said trying to convince myself while getting out of the station.
I tried to think about anything but the shooting as I walked home, but I wasn't able to get those last few hours out of my head. I finally opened the door to my apartment and I let myself fall on the couch, looking at the ceiling as everything I had felt in the last hours and that I had pushed back came back to me.
Letting down the wall that I had built up between me and my emotions, I started to cry. It was only once I had started that I realized that I wasn't going to be able to stop now. I unsuccessfully tried to catch my breath through the sobs that were wracking my body.
Quivering, I struggled to regain control over my body by running my hands across my face but it wasn't working. I slowly put my hands before me, observing my palms and feeling horribly guilty. I killed a man tonight, regardless of what anyone could say, I killed… a man. I took his life. Yes, this man was an awful person, but he still had a life, and who was I to take it?
Still sobbing, I grabbed my cell phone in my pocket. My fingers where shaking so much that I decided to hit the speed dial #4 instead of trying to dial his number.
The phone rang once, then twice, and seven time before going to voicemail… I sighed.
"You've reached detective Callaghan, I can't take your call at the moment, please leave me a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible"
I quickly hung up and looked at the phone for a long time, trying to regain my breath without being able too. Still sobbing, I opened the phone again, but this time I hit the speed dial #3 before hitting the send button. I was hearing my labored breathing in the speaker and I sighed, waiting impatiently for him to respond.
Sam Swarek
As soon as I got home, I grabbed the flashlight that I had left on the table near the front door. The power was still out on the city and my apartment was a real oven. I had a thought for Andy when I closed the door. I knew very well that even if she told me over and over that she was fine, she wasn't, but if she didn't want to talk, I wouldn't insist on it.
Dropping my keys on the kitchen table, I opened the fridge to grab a beer, it was hot due to the lack of electricity, but it would have to do. Taking the bottle opener from the drawer, I opened it before taking a small sip of the room temperature liquid.
Taking a dusty book from my library, I brushed it with my hand before going to sit down with my flash light when my cell phone rang in my back pocket. Quickly taking it out I looked at the caller ID: A. McNally. I wasn't surprised and I answered quickly.
"What is it Andy? Are you okay?" I quickly asked, knowing that if she was calling me it probably wasn't only to tell me goodnight.
"Yeah… Well, no, not really" She said with a trembling voice. "Luke isn't answering his phone, he must still be at the Rec Center, and I am alone at my place, I just... I just can't Sam… I can't stop crying" she said her voice breaking totally over the phone.
"Hey, McNally, just calm down, breathe slowly." I said while putting my bottle on the table.
"I can't, I killed him Sam, I just shot him, six times, six…" she stuttered her breathing still having trouble breathing.
"I need you to calm down, Andy, I'm coming to see you okay? But I really need you to calm down." I said while taking my keys before quickly opening the door.
"Okay" She said trying to take a deep breath which turned into a heartbreaking sob.
"McNally, listen to me" I said using her last name, hoping to get her attention so she would get a grip. "I'm coming over, but I'm gonna have to hung up to drive okay? I'll be there in ten" I finally said waiting for her answer.
She answered in a voice so low that I almost didn't hear him and I hung up quickly, opening the door of my truck before sliding behind the wheel.
I drove through the dark street as quickly as I could and I finally stopped my truck in front of my partner's apartment building. I stopped the engine before getting out of the vehicle as fast as possible. Almost flying over the stairs I made my way to the door and I rang the bell, it took a second before I heard the buzz telling me that the door was now unlocked.
Andy was already at the door when I got in front of her apartment and she gave me a small hand sign.
"Hey" She said in a slightly calmer voice than the one I had heard over the phone only a few minutes ago.
"Hey" I said only, finding this salutation a bit obsolete after the conversation that we just had.
"I'm sorry" She replied simply, lowering her eyes to her feet, as if she suddenly felt like she needed to be strong for me.
"Can I come in?" I asked her feeling a bit useless now.
She nodded and I followed her inside, closing the apartment door before walking behind her. She sat on the couch in the living room and I sat beside her, looking at her for a long moment. Her eyes were red from all the tears that she had shed in the last minutes and I could see her shaking even though she was trying to hide it.
I put my hand on her shoulder and she turned to face me, staring into my eyes. I saw her inferior lip tremble and she closed her eyes, probably trying not to cry again.
"Andy, I'm here" I simply said, hoping that she would stop trying to be so strong with me.
She nodded and opened her eyes, taking in the force and courage to open her mouth without breaking into tears again.
"You become a cop, and in the academy they tell you that you're gonna have to do things like that, I knew it, even before applying you know" she slowly started.
I put my arm around her shoulder before encouraging her to continue while slowly caressing her bare skin with my thumb.
"They teach us to aim, and to shoot; to know the right situations to do it" she continued as if each word was hurting her while she was saying them. "Everybody tells you how the first time is awful, but I really thought that I was stronger than that" she told me while lowering her eyes.
I let her catch her breath for a few seconds as she shook her head from left to right like if she was discouraged by the state she was in.
"And then tonight… Tonight I… I don't think anything could've prepared me to this. It was so different than everything I thought it would be, and I didn't have time to think it through, to think about the consequences of all that, I just shot, and I didn't stop before I was sure he was dead" she finished, her voice lower than a whisper.
Sliding my fingers along her arm, I nodded, agreeing with her. I was suddenly hit by the memory of the first time it happened to me, the first time I had to kill a man.
"You're right, nothing prepares us to that. But it isn't because you're not strong, it's because you're a human being. You can't take a life like that and just stay cold, that's what wouldn't be normal. I remember the first time I had to kill someone" I said in a low voice.
She got a few inches closer to me, lowering her head on my shoulder.
"I got home after, alone, and I drank myself under the table after crying for at least an hour" I confessed while setting my head on top of hers.
She backed up a little bit and nodded, looking me in the eyes. Her eyes were full of tears and I would've wanted so much to be able to ease the pain that she was feeling right now.
"I just didn't want to be alone tonight" she simply said, pressing her lips together.
"I know, and Callaghan should've never left you get back here alone, he knew that you needed him tonight" I said trying to hide how much I hated my colleague for leaving Andy alone.
She raised her eyes to the ceiling while the tears started to roll down her cheeks and I draw her to me, cuddling her onto my side, getting my arms around her body. She fought me for about an instant before snuggling up against me, sobbing again, although a little less violently than she had half an hour ago.
I ran my hands across her back, whispering into her ear that it was okay; it was all over and everything was going to be fine. One of my hands started wandering into her hair as she threw her arms around my neck.
Her sobs were slowly dying as I was hugging her securely, trying to make her forget everything that had just happened today, but I knew that it wouldn't be that easy.
That's the time when the electricity decided to come back on and all the electrical appliances began to work again at the same time. The lights were blinding us and I pushed her slightly, telling her that I should turn a few things off. She nodded, crossing her arms against her chest before resting against the back of the couch.
I closed the lights and the radio that was yelling into her room before coming back into the living room. The TV was still on and I saw her look at her cellphone while I was backing back to her.
"It's Luke" She only said, showing me her phone.
"You want me to go?" I asked showing her the door.
She shook her head before cutting the ringer and putting her phone down on the table in front of her. I sat beside her again.
"You're sure you don't want to tell him to come see you?" I asked feeling a bit odd about being here instead of her boyfriend.
"It's his fault; he shouldn't have gone there in the first place." She said looking at her hands crossed on her knees.
"Do you want me to stay?" I asked her softly.
She nodded and lowered her head back on my shoulder again before letting out a deep sigh. I rested my head against her, throwing my arm around her, hugging her to my side again. We stayed silent for a few minutes before she backed off a little bit to look at me. I tried to read her face while she was looking at me intensely
"Thanks" She said while sliding her hands across my cheek.
"Anytime" I said on the same low tone.
I quivered under her small fingers while she was slowly getting closer to me. Sliding my eyes from her eyes to her lips I shrugged, asking her silently if she was sure about this.
She put her finger on my lips to shush the question that I was about to ask. I took her hand into mine, getting her fingers off my mouth before getting closer to her. She linked our fingers while she was closing the space between us, slowly resting her lips against mine in a sweet kiss.
I put my other hand on her back to hold her against me. I really didn't want to take advantage of her and I tried to keep the kiss slow and sweet even though I had been so passionate about her for the last couple of months. I knew very well that if something happened tonight it would be because she wanted some comfort and she needed to forget what happened earlier that day; I didn't want our first time to be like this.
She ran her hand through my hair, getting even closer to me, wanting more than the simple embrace we were sharing right now. I pushed her slightly before looking at her for an instant. She smiled at me softly and I laid a small butterfly kiss on her lips before pulling back a second time, kissing her on the forehead before hugging her tightly into my chest.
"Anytime" I repeated, not knowing if I was talking about our kiss or about our conversation.
I felt her smile in my neck as I cuddled her against my body, just wanting to hold her close, to protect her, today and for the rest my life…
So? How did you find it? Good? Bad? Just tell me by hitting that small review button down there! You know I just love reviews! And I want to tell you all a big THANK YOU for all the reviews, you guys are awesome and each review makes me smile!
I hope this chapter makes up for the lack of Rookie Blue last week, I'm sooo experiencing Rookie Blue withdrawal symptoms, I need my dose of Sam Swarek! Can't wait 'till Thursday!