A/N: Don't own (although I'd love to have my very own Norman Reedus :D) don't sue!
Lyrics are from 'Rain' by Patty Griffin
Rain
Chapter Thirty Nine
It's hard to listen to a hard, hard heart
Beatin' close to mine
Poundin' up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep, deep, deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep, weep, weep
With all this rain fallin' down
Strange, how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain
It's hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
It's never rained like it has tonight before
Now, I don't wanna beg you, baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not lookin' for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live
Strange, how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holdin' on underneath this shroud
Rain
"Something's happened."
Lochie glanced up at Cassidy warily. She was sitting on top of the walkway as always, Lochie was cross-legged inside the walkway half-heartedly picking at her breakfast. Daryl had been gone for too long for nothing to have gone wrong and Cassidy was as jumpy as a caged lion in his absence. Just like old times. Lochie had asked her if they were back on as soon as she had emerged with ruffled hair and flushed cheeks from the bowels of the prison. Cassidy had told her in no uncertain terms that she didn't know but she wasn't ruling it out. She had learned what the plan was from Rick, how it had gone wrong and Merle had taken it upon himself to kidnap Michonne and she had rolled her eyes at the stupidity of men. He had returned from his brief sojourn out there and she had cornered him immediately, demanding to know where Daryl had gone. He had looked at her with sad eyes and told her Daryl had taken off after his goddamn brother. Again.
She sat up suddenly, the walkway rocking slightly with the rapid movement and Lochie gripped the mesh tightly, watching the figure approaching the prison through the grass. Michonne was very distinctive and Lochie's stomach leapt. Why wasn't Daryl with her? Where was Merle?
Cassidy jumped down into the walkway and dashed into the prison. Lochie followed her to the bunk Cassidy had been using, watching as she grabbed her weapons and armed up. Her lips were pulled tight, her movements precise and angry. She trailed her silently into the centre of the living quarters as Rick questioned Michonne about Merle and Daryl in a frantic distracted way. Cassidy shouldered her way past a startled Glenn and planted herself between Rick and Michonne.
"Where would Merle go?" She demanded without preamble. "What would he do?"
Michonne and Rick looked at each other in silence for a long moment, then turned to an impatient Cassidy in unison. Cassidy had showered and her damp hair was pulled tightly away from her face, exposing the stubborn set of her jaw and narrowed eyes as she her mind raced. Her feet were planted, her arms were crossed and her jaw was set. Rick knew that look. Daryl got that look. Even Carl got that look since he met Cassidy.
"Where was the meet?"
Rick blinked, glancing warily at Michonne. He scratched his chin, trying to follow her train of thought.
"Where. Was. The. Meet. Supposed. To. Be?" She repeated, emphasising each word in a deadly calm voice that quite blatantly told him her next step would involve pain an body parts.
Rick scrubbed his hands over his face. Glanced at Michonne's departing back as she walked away from them. Looked at the gathered faces surrounding them. He would not be able to stop her, he knew that. There wasn't a single damn thing that could prevent her from marching out there to find Daryl. He told her, explained how to get there, the layout of the land.
"I'm going alone." She ruled in a voice that allowed for no arguing, gesturing to Lochie who knew her well enough to immediately gather some bottles of water and toss them to her for the trip.
"Cassidy-" Rick tried to argue but she walked away while he was still mid-sentence.
Lochie and Carl followed her to the gates, unlocking them to let her out. They didn't try to stop her, or convince her to let someone go with her. She vaguely felt a little bubble of affection for the pair of them swell in her chest as she realised how well they knew her. Lochie hugged her, looking for all the world as if she expected to never see her again, but she managed not to cry. Carl tried to give her a grown up nod but his face was white and his lips were clenched together tightly to stop them from wobbling.
"Don't go getting yourself killed for that redneck." Lochie grumbled hoarsely, trying and failing to give her a stern look as they secured the gate behind her.
Whilst Cassidy had forgiven Daryl and was working to trust him again, Lochie was proving far harder to win round. She'd punched him again this morning and warned him that she was going to keep her word, that he had broken Cassidy's heart so she had every intention of breaking his neck. Of course that was before the afternoon session in the depths of the prison.
Cassidy had gotten better at tracking over the winter, but it still frustrated the hell out of her. She found it too much like guesswork and much preferred following Dixon's lead. She followed Rick's instructions to the letter, making her way through the trees but parallel to the road. It was a long, hot, boring walk and unfortunately it gave her nothing but time to think about it. About him. About what she would actually do to him if he got himself killed. She might take a leaf out of the Governor's book of crazy and keep his walker head on her wall so she could tell him what a stupid, stubborn, selfish bastard he was every day for the rest of her life.
She didn't try to convince herself that she didn't care anymore. They were far beyond that now. Glenn and Maggie had their romantic sweet love story but she could not imagine anything more real than the one they had. The fights, the bickering, the silent unwavering affection. It all meant more to her than pledges of love and devotion ever could. She knew him and he knew her, that was all she needed. Merle had come into their lives like a natural disaster, but she could handle him. They just needed to adjust. Cassidy frowned as she swiped sweat from her face and gulped down some tepid water. She was not much of a compromiser, but for Daryl maybe she could work on it. She winced as the straps on her pack caught the sunburn on her neck. Of course that all depended on the goddamn moron staying alive despite his best efforts to get his neck chewed open.
It was a massacre. The dead littered the ground like leaves, some twitching and some put out of their misery. There was a smoking car over to one side, something burning a few yards away hidden behind a small building. Blood streaked the ground. Bullets and casings were everywhere, glittering in the late afternoon sunshine. The whole place stank of blood and death and vengeance. Cassidy approached warily, scouting for stray walkers that had escaped the bloodbath. There was a noise. It was too human to be a walker, too heartrending. It sounded almost like an animal. She was reminded uncomfortably of the day the Sophia had staggered out of that barn and Carol's legs had given way. The hairs on her neck and arms were standing up. Cassidy drew her knife, inching around bodies and debris, blinking smoke from her eyes.
She came across Merle first. His grey sightless eyes peering angrily up at the sky and his limbs arranged oddly. He was battered and bruised, a knife protruding from his forehead. She felt her eyes prickling, her throat constricting with unshed tears. She had not known Merle for long enough to care about him, but she knew what he meant to her redneck. The tiny albatross tattoo seemed to be pulsing and she turned her head. He was on the ground on his knees, staring blindly at his brother. She swallowed. She had seen him grieve for Sophia and Carol but this was something else. This was a broken heart and it put her own heartbreak in perspective. He wasn't crying, he didn't even seem to realise he was making any noise. Cassidy crossed over towards him, crouching down beside him.
"Dixon?" He flinched, his head jerking up and his blazing blue eyes skewering through her.
He didn't speak, just stared at her with those haunted eyes. Her stomach clenched. He didn't move, he just stared at her with hate and anger burning in his eyes and damp tear-tracks on his cheeks. She knew it wasn't directed at her personally; right now he hated the entire fucked up universe they were in. Cassidy carefully checked the area for stray walkers, then discarded her backpack onto the ground. She sat cross-legged behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. He didn't move, didn't fight her as he could have. He allowed her to press against him, her fingers locked against his ribcage, her wet cheek against his shoulder-blade through his thin shirt. They sat together and watched Merle's lifeless body as the lowering sunlight crept over him.
Eventually Daryl shifted, pressed back against her a little and touched her linked fingers with the palm of his hand, still spotted with his brother's blood. He felt her press her forehead against the nape of his neck, felt her lips brush his spine through his shirt. There were no words. They weren't back to where they were, but they still understood each other enough. Daryl let go of her fingers and scrubbed his hands over his face.
"We should bury him." She said quietly, turning towards Merle still sprawled on the ground a few feet away. She felt Daryl looking at her and she frowned at him. "What?"
He shook his head, climbing to his feet. She peered up at him, saw him squaring his shoulders back and bracing himself. She got to her feet and turned away.
"I'll find you something to dig with."
He was still standing there when she returned with a small shovel she'd found in one of the abandoned cars. She handed it over in silence and he accepted it without a word, his eyes alive and burning loudly with the things he couldn't say. She reached up and flicked a curl of hair away from his forehead.
"I'll wait for you."
He nodded, looking away from her and towards his brother.
She kept watch while he worked, circling the perimeter at irregular intervals and despatching of any walkers drawn by the fire and blood. She could hear the rhythmic thud of the shovel and Daryl's grunts of exertion as the hole got deeper. She couldn't shake the feeling that he was being forced to bury his past, to put to rest a part of his life that she would never know.
He joined her in silence a while later, grabbing up her pack and slinging it over his shoulder. She fell into step with him as he led her back towards the road. Cassidy watched the muscles in his back playing under his sweat-drenched shirt streaked with dirt and blood. He was more distant than ever and she didn't know how to do this without him. It was all falling down around them; Rick was losing it completely, the Governor was a lunatic with an army and a grudge. They were hemmed in on all sides by needy civilians and her rock was crumbling.
"We're running out of options." She murmured to herself.
Daryl paused, glancing over his shoulder at her. She looked confused and angry about being confused. He was numb from the loss of his brother, the shock of finding him alive hadn't even work off yet and now he was really gone. There would be no miraculous reunion this time. He felt eaten up with rage and resentment but something loosened a little when he had returned to his senses and found her with him sharing his pain. He took her face in his hands and she stared up at him warily. He felt a flicker of disappointment that he had cracked her trust in him, that complete unquestioning trust that had made him feel invincible. There was still trust there in her wicked cat eyes, and so much more. He kissed her bruisingly hard, his rough hands on her jaw a contrast to the smooth skin he found there.
Pulling away he was surprised to see wet dots on her cheeks. He was stunned to realise that her lashes weren't wet; they must be his tears. He stared down at her angrily. She stared back patiently. Despite everything, she looked stunning. Her thick wild red mane was barely held back from her face in a loose knot on top of her head, her brilliant green eyes were reflecting his drawn pinched face, her lightly freckled cheekbones flushed from the heat and his kiss, her plump smart mouth pursed. There was a fading yellow bruise on her cheek and a mostly healed gash on her forehead from a grapple with a scrum of walkers. He felt like he knew every millimetre of her familiar face, yet every time he looked at her he saw something new.
"Come on, redneck." His hands had drifted to her slender throat and he felt the delicate skin vibrate as she spoke. "We're going to war."
He glanced over his shoulder at the thicket of trees hiding his brother's grave behind them, then he let her give him a light shove that got them moving again.
He came to a halt on the very edge of the treeline. He could see the barest outline of the prison looming above them. Cassidy paused besides him. There would be questions. About Merle. Carol and Rick would be dumb enough to ask and he was so angry he had no idea what would pour from his mouth. Cassidy leaned sideways against him briefly. He shrugged one shoulder, burying it all as deep as he could as they broached the trees. Glenn was on guard and he whistled from the watch-tower, drawing Rick and Michonne towards the fences.
The look on his face seemed to tell them everything they needed to know and Rick shook his head. He scrubbed his hands over his face, looking unutterably weary. Cassidy and Michonne shared a brief look, each surprisingly glad to see the other alive.
"We're packing up." Rick announced, his voice hoarse and laden with disappointment.
Daryl walked past him, the barest jerk of his head indicating that he'd heard. Cassidy briefly confirmed what they suspected about Merle before heading after him, arriving just in time to see Lochie clinging to Daryl's waist in the communal area. It appeared, in light of what was happening, she'd forgiven him whether he liked it or not. Daryl looked bemused, peering down at her dark head in horror. Cassidy fought the urge to laugh, given the circumstances.
"I'm real sorry about your brother." She told his chest in a muffled voice, hugging him tighter. "I liked him."
Cassidy bit her lip to keep from laughing at the expression on Daryl's face. If it had been anyone but Lochie, he would have been suspicious but there was no malice in Lochie's slender frame.
"Nobody likes Merle." He pointed out, under no illusions about his brother's effect on people.
"He was an asshole." Lochie agreed solemnly. "But he made me laugh."
Daryl almost cracked a smile at the sincerity in her big eyes as she calmly informed him that she was one of the only people on this planet that thought fondly of his brother. Daryl patted Lochie's shoulder awkwardly and she finally released him, scurrying away to help Beth and Carol pack up.
Their stuff didn't take too long to pack since both Daryl and Cassidy travelled light and had hardly unpacked their things in the first place. Daryl had been halfway up the steps to their nest when he had realised that most of his things were in the cell he had been using since Merle arrived. He almost flushed, stomping back down the stairs when she lifted her eyebrows at him questioningly.
While Daryl disappeared to see to the bike and strap their things into the saddlebags, Cassidy perched on the railing and stared at their nest. It was almost funny, she'd spent all of her adult life trying to keep out of these places but now, it felt like she was leaving home. They had packed all of the blankets and sheets away and nothing but a bare stretch of metal lay before her. Inconspicuous and indistinguishable from any other metal landing in this prison. She heard footsteps on the metal stairs, echoing in the once again empty prison. She expected Lochie. Instead it was Carl, his face as expressionless as his father's.
"You okay, kid?"
She was the only one who could call him kid and get away with it these days. He stopped at the top of the stairs, looking at the landing with his hands in his pockets and the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was furious at being banished to the woods with Hershel and the girls and his simmering rage was wafting from him like noxious scent. Cassidy knew she should say something to calm him down but she didn't.
"You together again?" He asked awkwardly after a long silence, toeing the metal landing with his boot.
She gave him a sideways look that answered for her. He didn't reply. He glanced at her every now and then but she was simply sitting there gazing at the patch of metal landing she'd shared with Daryl for these long months. She was still sitting on the railing, her back to the sheer drop behind them, and Carl leaning against the railing opposite her when Rick and Daryl appeared. She didn't need to turn, she knew Rick was down there by the way Carl's shoulders tensed and she always knew when Daryl was near. Carl disappeared down the stairs without greeting them, forcing his way past his father on the narrow staircase and almost sending him flying. Watching his son storm away from him, Rick looked at Cassidy hopefully and she shook her head. Whatever Carl was going through, he and his attitude would have to wait for now.
As they joined her on the landing, Daryl automatically took up his place beside her, leaning one hip against the metal railing. Rick outlined the plan gruffly, painfully aware of the connection that had been re-established between Daryl and Cassidy. Maggie and Glenn were somewhat annoying with their all-encompassing lovebird ways but whatever was between Daryl and Cassidy was bone-deep. It made his regrets and pain over Lori pulse like a raw wound. He was glad they had made their way back to each other, they had each been most unpleasant to deal with when they weren't speaking and now they were back on form he had his best survivors back.
"I want you in between." Rick almost managed to pull off making it sound like an order. "Somewhere you can cover the yard and the treeline."
Cassidy lifted her eyebrows. Rick never ordered her around, he knew better. However, given the urgency of the crisis, she nodded.
"I better go set up then."
She jumped down from the rickety railing in a graceful fluid leap, somehow managing to make barely the slightest noise as she landed on the metal. She coiled herself around Daryl, her mouth soft and possessive against his. Knowing that this could be the last time he ever saw her, Daryl let her put on a lot more of a show between them than he normally would have. Her eyes were blazing as she drew away, her mouth pursed sweetly. She kissed him briefly again and darted off towards the courtyard to grab her rifle from Daryl's bike. She was inordinately glad they were fighting. That Governor deserved everything he was going to get, including her crosshairs on his remaining beady eye. And being put down by her rifle would be a blessing compared to what she'd do to him if she ever got her hands on him.
She was on the roof again. She was always on roofs. From her vantage point she could see the deserted yard where the Governor's people would come spilling out when they arrived. She could also see the edge of the trees if any reinforcements were lurking. She knew where every one of their people were hiding, out of sight and poised for their attack. She was forcing herself not to glance at Daryl's hiding place, working to get her mindset where she needed it to be. It always jarred her that in moments like this, when they should have been watching each other's backs, she was separated from him. She focused on the sight of her rifle, watching the cloud of dust in the distance as the armoured trucks hurtled down the road. She was pretty damn proud of her group to be honest, this was a sneaky plot and she loved it. Time to fight fire with fire.
She watched the whole thing. The trucks storming up to the fences, the bastards swarming into the prison, into their safe-haven, like cockroaches, and rapidly pouring back out as they discovered the surprise waiting for them. Gunshots were sending the walkers dawdling in the distance wild but she kept track of each of her group and no one was hit. Maddeningly, she never got a clear shot at the Governor as he scurried away like the rat he was. She had argued with Rick at the last moment, wanting to pick off as many as she could while they had the opportunity, but he wouldn't hear a word of it. He was still so bloody noble, it was absolutely infuriating. She waited until they were moving around the yard again to sling her rifle onto her shoulder and clamber down into the depths of the prison. Rick and Carl were arguing when she reached them and she hurried past. She would speak to Carl later.
"What's that about?" She asked Michonne.
Michonne shook her head and stalked away, fingering her sword darkly. Cassidy made her way over to Daryl crouched by his bike checking everything over carefully. She touched his shoulder, the rough material of that hideous poncho scratching her fingers.
"Woodbury?" She asked, glancing at Michonne and Rick deep in conversation across the yard.
Daryl grunted. She could see Lochie and Beth playing with baby Judith by the trucks, Hershel and Carol securing the supplies. It seemed impossible to her that this was her world now, people she would fight for. Kill for. She studied the pockmarks of gunfire all over the yard, the barricades that had been put in place against the Governor and his vengeance.
"I think I better stay here."
Daryl rose from his crouch, pushing sweaty curls of hair from his face. She looked serious; her hair French-braided down her back out of the way and her eyes narrowed thoughtfully. She had never volunteered to stay away from the fight before.
"Red?"
She was chewing on her lower lip, her emerald eyes scanning the yard again.
"There was murder in that man's eyes, redneck." She let out a chuff of laughter at the unexpected pun. "Well… eye." She scratched her sweating neck absently. "He's not going to let this slide. Someone should be here if he comes back." Her mouth lifted slightly. "And we all know I'm better at killing live people than you guys are."
"What you think we're goin' there for?" He snapped and Cassidy laughed.
"That won't happen. Rick has scruples and morals." She pointed out.
"And you don't?" Daryl asked rudely.
"Not a one." Cassidy replied cheerfully.
Daryl grimaced, glancing over her head at the activity around them. Things were different between them now, whatever was between them before had changed in a complicated way but the connection was still there. An apocalypse was hardly the time for relationship dramas but it was the time to grasp what you needed while you still had it. They always seemed to be saying goodbye when death was on the table, standing between them.