Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.
Song: Fin by Anberlin
Thank you to everyone who has been reviewing and reading! Constructive criticism or encouragement does help.
She's been ignoring Rachel.
It's not like she is actively ignoring her calls, but whenever Rachel's name appears on the screen of Quinn's phone, she just... freezes.
That night - that night - she had dropped her phone with a clank onto the bathroom tiles. Quinn didn't even get to read Rachel's message before she had curled herself into the fetal position, trying to steady her breath. Rachel had been the one in her dreams, the girl haunting her at night, the girl with chocolate brown eyes and silky hair and legs - well, the girl now has a face.
Quinn has had dreams every night since the party. All of them involving Rachel. In some of her dreams, Quinn and Rachel are just talking. Sometimes they are dancing and sometimes the two girls are in... intimate positions.
One night, she dreamt she was being hauled up a hill, carrying her own rugged cross. She could feel the wood dig against her back as she limped pass kids from McKinley who spat and yelled at her all the way up. At the top of the hill, two guardsmen hoisted her up so she was no longer standing. Quinn heard the sound of metal meeting metal before actually feeling the bone-wrenching pain of the rusted nails being impaled through her wrists.
Take what you will, what you will and leave.
Could you kill, could you kill me
If the world was on fire and nothing was left but hope or desire
And take all that I could bring forth, is this hell
Or am I on the floor over-desperate?
Through Quinn's blurry vision she was able to see Rachel being the one nailing her to the cross, gentling singing as if the music would make Quinn's misery go away.
Hold hands streaming of blood again?
And then take full weight of me
Guard my dreams, figure this out,
It's me on my own.
Helpless, hurting, hell
Will you stay strong as you promised?
Cause I'm stranded and bare.
In the distance, Quinn spotted Russell. He looked older, with more wrinkles and gray than she had ever seen him. He held up his Bible, and she saw him shouting, but the sound never made it to Quinn's ears.
We're not questioning God
Just those he chose to carry on His cross
We're no better, you'll see
Just all of us, the lost causes.
Tears cascaded Quinn's face as blood poured from her wrists and ankles; she was losing oxygen from being unable to support herself. The world started to fade but she could still her Rachel's voice.
I am the patron saint of lost causes
Aren't we all to you just near lost causes?
Aren't we all to you just lost
Quinn found it ironic that her punishment for being a sinner was to be nailed up on a cross by a girl with the voice of an angel.
Quinn never liked irony.
She woke up from that dream, gasping for breath before rushing to the bathroom and retching into the toilet. Her knuckles were turning white from the grip on the toilet seat as she refused to let go, as if her grasp on this one solid thing was going to be the thing to save her.
After what felt like half an hour, Quinn finally slumped down and slowly let go of her vice-like grip on the toiler lid. She flushed and tore some toilet paper to wipe her mouth, stopping midway as she heard knocking.
"Quinn?" Judy questioned, rapping her knuckles on the bathroom door. "Quinnie, what's going on?"
Quinn closed her eyes, wishing for the pounding in her head to go away. "I'm fine mom. Just a bad dream."
Quinn was met with silence and she thought her mother had gone back to bed until -
"Do - do you need a glass of water?"
The ex-cheerio shook her head before realizing her mother could not see her. "No, I'm really ok. I just want to go back to sleep."
"Alright."
Quinn heard shuffling outside the door and she assumed her mother left. She rinsed her mouth out and with a sniffle returned to her room. She whimpered as she crawled into bed and turned off the lamp.
See, it's not so much that she is actively ignoring Rachel or even wanting to but that the girl is already in Quinn's head too much; Quinn wanted the brunette out. Not out of her life, but out of her head.
As Quinn lay on her back, her cross necklace lay heavier on her chest and its chain felt tighter around her neck.
Meanness is washed up in all that I am is God
Take this and all, Then grace takes me to a place
Of the father you never had
Ripping and breaking and tearing apart
This is not heaven
This is my hell.
July 8, 2011
Quinn had yet gone swimming this summer, so she happily accepted the invitation to a Glee Club pool party at Mercedes' house. She had not seen the girl all summer and was looking forward to hanging out.
She opened the gate to the back yard where she was met with an uproarious hello. All of the gleeks minus Rachel and Finn were already there; Mike and Tina versus Sam and Brittany playing chicken in the pool (Tina growls as she takes down Brittany), with Santana standing at the side of the pool sipping lemonade. Kurt was lounging on a towel watching as Blaine did a cannonball off the diving board, followed by Puck. Artie sat with his feet dangling in the water, his chair abandoned at the side.
"Hey girl!"
Quinn smiled as Mercedes walked towards her. Mercedes wrapped her arms around Quinn's neck and pulled her into a hug.
"Hi, 'Cedes," murmured Quinn into the other girl's hair.
The black girl let go to take in Quinn, who was wearing a dark blue two piece bikini. She raised her eyebrows. "Damn, girl, you are looking good. You're going to put all of us to shame."
Quinn rolled her eyes. "Whatever."
Mercedes laughed. "Say hi to mom today," she yelled over her shoulder at Quinn while walking away.
Quinn shook her head and headed towards the shallow end to where Santana was. The Latina was wearing a yellow swimsuit: bikini top and boy shorts. Santana reach down and pulled Brittany out of the pool. They stumbled back and Brittany quickly pecked her girlfriend on the lips before her eyes caught Quinn's.
"Q!" Brittany chirped, dragging Santana over to Quinn.
"Hi -" started Quinn until she was pulled into a wet embrace.
Skin was touching skin and whichever way Quinn moved, it only seemed to make it worse; Brittany never really had a personal bubble or any boundaries. Quinn tried to move her arm up and over Brittany's, but their chests moved against each other and all of a sudden -
"Brittany!" gasped Quinn. "Hello, but you really need to - oh god - Britt, let go, please."
Brittany finally let go and Quinn staggered back and was met with Santana eyeing her up and down.
"Have a problem there, Fabray?" Santana smirked.
"No," the ex-blonde snapped, wrapping her arms around herself. "I'm fine."
Santana laughed. "Really. And that's why your face is red and you're having trouble breathing?"
"Did I hurt you or something, Quinn?" Brittany asked. "I'm sorry."
"No you didn't, B, and screw you San," snapped Quinn.
"Oh you wish," the brunette sneered.
"Hey!" the taller blonde interjected. "You're only supposed to be screwing me now."
"No, Britt, she is just trying to rile me up," Quinn assured the girl.
"Oh, ok then. If this was another time, though, I'd say that'd be hot, because you are both hot and you look really sexy in that bikini, Q."
Quinn blinked. "Uh, thanks."
"You do look hot," Santana licked her lips. "But I look hotter of course."
"Are you just going to make sexual innuendoes at me all day, Santana?"
"As much as I would love to, no. I need Brittany to go with me inside to get my mack on. See you soon, Juno," the Latina said and grabbed the blonde's hand, dragging her inside the pool house.
Quinn tore her eyes away from the girls' retreating figures once she realized that she was staring at their asses for too long. She clutched her bag and headed towards the lounging chairs to where Kurt was laying. Right as she set her bag down, she heard her ringtone go off.
Finn: Are you at Mercedes
"Why?" Quinn whispered to no one. Kurt took his sunglasses off to look at Quinn.
"What?" he asked.
Quinn shook her head. "Oh, nothing. Just - Finn texted me out of the blue."
She texted back a quick yes and not a minute later her phone rang again.
Finn: Cuz rach and i r almost there can u plz tlk to rachel she thinks ur mad at her and that she did somethin wrong.
Shit. Quinn stuffed her phone back in the bag and flopped down on the lounge chair with a huff. I am really not ready to talk to her.
"Seriously, Quinn," Kurt began as he sat up and crossed his legs. "You have this frustration vibe all around you right now. What's going on?"
"I don't know what you mean, Kurt."
"Quinn."
She didn't respond for a few minutes, and instead watched Sam and Puck try some weird water-karate-aerobics. She closed her eyes trying to remain in her own world until Rachel appeared in it, again. Lately, it's been hard to differentiate the two: can Quinn even have her own world now without Rachel in it?
"Kurt?"
"Hmmm?"
"Have you ever - did you ever - when you were younger, did you ever go to church?"
"Yes," he responded slowly. "Once. When my mom died."
Quinn smacked herself on the forehead. "I am so sorry, Kurt. Never mind."
"It's ok," he shrugged. "That was a long time ago." He paused again. "Why?"
"How did you feel - when you were there?"
"It - well," the boy fiddled with his sunglasses. "It was suffocating."
The girl gulped and nodded. "Never mind, this was stupid."
"No," he prodded. "What?"
Quinn sat up as well, staring straight ahead and refusing to look at Kurt. "I've just... I've been envisioning things in my head that I really don't want to be. And I'm feeling..."
She trailed off as she noticed Finn and Rachel walking through the gate and into the backyard. Finn was wearing a white tank top and swimming trunks whereas Rachel...
Quinn tried to peel her eyes away from the girl. She really did. The brunette's hair was flowing with natural wavy curls. She was wearing a tiny black bikini which really showed too much skin. Oh dear God.
Rachel had one hand in Finn's hand, the other waving to Kurt who waved jovially back. Her eyes shifted to Quinn and her smile fell. Rachel rocked up on her toes to whisper something to Finn and they let go of their hands. The singer headed straight towards Quinn.
Quinn's hands snapped to the sides of the chair and she tried to look anywhere but at the girl walking towards her.
"Hi Quinn," Rachel said timidly.
Quinn nodded, still staring off to the left. "Hey, Rach. How have you been?"
The brunette cocked her head. "Well, you would know if you had bothered to talk to me these past few days. What-" Rachel took a deep breath. "- What did I do wrong?"
Quinn started fidgeting with the lounge chair, just to give her something to distract herself with. She could even look up a little bit without being met with Rachel her abs which are just right there. Quinn shook her head, sighing.
"You didn't do anything wrong, ok? Just forget about it."
Kurt took this moment to jump out of the chair and run to Blaine, probably to get away from this conversation.
"No, Quinn," Rachel snarled, stomping her foot. Quinn jumped up at that. "This hot and cold thing that has been going on with you - for the past three years I might add - it has got to end. I'm - I care about you, Quinn and I want to be there for you. I just - you have got to let me in and stop shutting down. If you don't have a reason for ignoring me, then just stop it."
Damn. Quinn finally lifted her head, eyes roaming past the bottom of the bathing suit - which was way too low - past that girl's taut stomach and up past her breasts and to Rachel's eyes and Quinn felt her body heat up.
"Can you please cover yourself up?" Quinn asked softly, her breath hitching.
Rachel's eyes widened and Quinn didn't like whatever flickered in them, as if Rachel had just realized something.
"I can try, I just - Finn has my towel," Rachel explained, but she laid her arms across her stomach. "So what's going on Quinn?"
"I'm -" Quinn began, her hand coming up to rub the back of her neck. Her whole body felt warm. "I just need to get some things out of my head. I kind of took it out on you. I'm sorry. We're friends, Rach, ok? We're friends."
The word friends sounded bitter to Quinn and she snapped her mouth shut and bit down on her tongue. Rachel nodded and stepped back.
"I want this senior year to be perfect with us, so - ahhh!" Rachel squealed as Puck pounced on his fellow Jew, wrapping an arm around her waist, picking her up off the ground and twirling her around. Puck nodded towards the ex-cheerleader.
"Hi, Q."
"What's up, Puck?"
"Nothing, just a little bit busy with my Jewish Princess," he grunted before tossing Rachel in the pool and jumping in after her.
"Puckerman!" gasped Rachel once her head bobbed up to the surface of the water. "That was so irresponsible! You could have accidently dropped me on the cement or -"
Puck rolled his eyes and pushed the brunette back under water.
Quinn's heart clenched at the sight of the two and got even tighter when Finn swam towards them to pull Rachel towards him into a kiss. She growled in annoyance and pulled her phone back out and shot a text to someone she really did not think she would be texting.
Quinn: Hey, why did you flirt with me?
The girl tapped her foot, waiting for a response. When it did not come in the next few minutes, Quinn took off her sandals and walked the edge of the pool to sit down and watched everyone. Rachel grinned at her from the middle of the water and waved before turning back to Finn. Quinn smiled back, although Rachel's back was turned to her. Rachel was right - Quinn is really hot and cold.
She kicked her feet in the water until she heard the familiar jingle of her ring tone and she jumped up to read the text.
Pat: Nice of you to finally text me ;) I thought you would like the attention. I mean, we're both rocking the radical hair and clothing so I knew you would be into me. Are you saying you weren't turned on?
Scowling at her phone, Quinn quickly deleted the text along with the number for good. I was not turned on.
It really didn't help that Santana chose that moment to text Quinn.
Satan: Berry is looking hot today ;)
Quinn: Shut up.
She looked up from her phone and her gaze wandered to where Sam and Mike were amicably chatting. Droplets ran down their six-packs and their muscles flexed.
Quinn probably should have felt tension or heat at the sight.
She was nervous when she didn't.
Shout out to my beta reader Natalie.
Also, I am like Rachel Berry who is like Tinkerbell: I need applause to live. So... review, please? The good and the bad.
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