AN: Music for this Chapter (on repeat of course): La noyee from Amelie Soundtrack, A Time for Us by Nino Rota from the Romeo & Juliet Soundtrack (piano version: you can find a lovely perfect version- on Youtube by Modela45 for FREE!), Lovesong by Adele, Fade Into You by Mazzy Star
TWENTY-NINE
o
*La noyee *
When Sydney stepped outside, the sun had already set for the evening as the winter sun always does and she smiled warmly at being in Paris, none mission related.
She found a taxi and delivered the address Vaughn had given her in flawless French, watching the spectacular city fly by outside her window as the driver maneuvered the streets with ease.
She couldn't wait to see Vaughn, surprising him with her early arrival was sure to bring a smile to his lips as she greeted him with a kiss. Meeting his mother was both terrifying and exhilarating after all this time.
When the driver pulled up in front of the beautiful home was in awe, it was perfect. She retrieved her luggage, thanked the driver and let out a big sigh as she walked up the front walkway and then the steps, ringing the bell.
She heard a woman's voice on the other side saying to someone in French, "I'll get it!"
The door suddenly opened and a incredibly beautiful blonde woman stood before Sydney, smiling radiantly as soon as she saw Sydney.
"Michael!" She called behind her, still looking at Sydney, "I believe your Sydney has arrived!" She smiled again then ushered Sydney into the door, "Come in, come in." She switched to English with a very charming accent. "I am Amelie, you can call me, Bella...I am Michael's mother and you must be his Sydney." She kissed both of Sydney's cheeks just as Vaughn entered the room, enormous smile on his face.
"It is a pleasure to finally meet you."
"And you." Sydney switched back to French.
"I see that my two favorite women have finally met." He replied smoothly in French as he went to hug Sydney. "You're early." He kissed her quickly, taking her bag.
"I got an earlier flight. You'll never guess who I ran into at the airport just after landing." She smiled with a light laugh shaking her head thinking about her father's appearance.
"Who?" Vaughn was curious as this was Paris, suddenly thinking it was someone they'd worked with.
"My father." She shook her head 'yes' at Vaughn's surprise.
"Your father is in Paris?" Bella asked just as confused, "Where is he now?"
"Jack is in Paris? Why?" Vaughn guided Sydney into the living room as they followed his mother. An immaculate room decorated for the Christmas season in blues, whites and dark greens.
"Because he's miserable without my Mom so he's flying to St. Petersburg now…He couldn't wait until Monday." She laughed, "You should have seen him Vaughn. He was so disheveled looking, I was having a hard time not laughing at him."
"He is a man very much in love it sounds like." Bella smiled softly, "Marie," She called to the young maid with a beautiful smile, "Would you please bring us some coffee and cake. And take Sydney's bags to Michael's room." She returned her gaze to the now blushing Sydney Bristow.
"Of course Madame." The girl smiled and disappeared as quickly as she came.
"Your mother is a very interesting woman I'm learning." Amelie leaned back against the chair and crossed her legs. "And very beautiful from the photographs I've seen on television and in the recent magazines. I see you take after her."
"Thank you." Sydney smiled nervously, "And yes, my mother is very interesting it seems. I'm constantly learning new things about her."
"Did you have a good time in Moscow with her?" Vaughn reached his arm around the back of Sydney's shoulders, resting it on the back of the sofa.
"We had such an amazing time. The night after I talked to you, we went to one of her favorite restaurants in the Square and then for a walk by the river, just talking. We talked about everything, from you and I, to she and my father and the story of how they met."
She smiled wistfully thinking about it, "She told me about the day I was born and its hysterical, I'll have to have her tell you sometime." She started laughing. "All these little things we never had a chance to talk about, we have now. Then yesterday we went shopping for all of these beautiful little kids at the orphanage. I had no idea but every year she buys them all toys and clothes and she's…she's just amazing Vaughn."
"I just can't tell you how amazing it was going to that orphanage and seeing those little kids faces light up when they walked in the room and saw her; saw the presents. She was so natural with them, just like I remembered as a child. It just reminded me again, that she's the same mother I've always had, always loved…" She paused to smiled thinking about it, "And then last night the Putins' watched Lena while Mom took me to the famous Bolshoi Apollo Theatre to see the 'Nutcracker,' my favorite ballet as a child. And then again in another one of her surprising reveals, I found out that she was not 'just a ballet dancer' but that she was with the Moscow Ballet and was the Sugar Plum Fairy! Can you believe that?"
"Who's the Sugar Plum Fairy?" Vaughn asked innocently earning astonished looks from both his mother and Sydney.
"She's the beautiful, enchanting ruler of the Sugar Plum Kingdom, son. Only every little girls dream." Bella smiled easily, shaking her head at Vaughn's lack of knowledge on the subject and sharing a private laugh with Sydney.
"I know you know the song!" Sydney laughed as she began to sing the notes using the word 'da.'
"Oh yeah. I know that song…but not familiar with the actual story behind it. I've also heard the remake of that song, 'The Revenge of the Sugar Plum Fairy' with the guitar. Now somehow with that version of the song, I can envision your mother in that part. " He laughed and Sydney hit him lightly on the arm.
"Ha ha. Very funny."
"So you had a wonderful time then." Bella smiled with laugh watching her son interact with the young woman in front of her, liking this girl more and more with every smile, every laugh.
"Yes. I had a wonderful time. She gave me something to give to you actually." Sydney smiled softly and went to her purse, returning with an envelope marked 'Amelie & Michael' in Irina's beautiful script. She handed them to Vaughn as Bella came to sit on the other side of her son.
"They're photos of your father. From his life in Russia." Sydney smiled softly sitting next Vaughn.
They sat quietly looking at the photos of Mikhail as a little boy and then a young man, right before he'd moved to America, before his assignment that led him to France and Amelie.
"You look so much like him Vaughn." Sydney smiled.
"Yes, he does." Bella added softly, blinking back tears. Vaughn pulled out the last photograph.
"My mother said this was the last photograph taken of him. After he was extracted back to Russia, he went to Siberia for a little while. She said this was taken just before he tried to come back to you… and was caught. That's why he looks so sad, he missed you." Sydney felt her own tears welling in her eyes, seeing Vaughn and his mother both with tears streaming down their cheeks. "She said to make sure to tell you…that he loved you both, so very much. You were in his every thought, of every day until the day he died."
Vaughn wrapped his arms around his mother as she tried to hold back the tears before breaking into a sob.
They held each other for the longest time before their cries turned to sniffles then a smile.
Bella stood and pulled Sydney into a big hug, kissing her cheeks and then her head before hugging her again. "Thank you Sydney. Please tell your mother…Thank you for these. And Thank her for what she did…Michael told me that when they tried to escape, when Mikhail was killed. That she let herself get caught trying to give him a chance to get away…a chance to come home to us. I'll never be able to thank her for that. Giving up her freedom to save my husband…that was a very selfless act, especially since she had her own family she was trying to get home to. She must have loved him very much." She smiled, wiping her tears and Sydney's. "Someday, I would like very much, to sit and speak with your mother about his life before us, and after, and what happened on the day he died…I just need a little more time. Will you tell her that for me please? I hope she'll understand."
"Of course." Sydney hugged her back, "She'll understand, probably more then anyone…she'll understand."
"Thank you." Bella kissed her cheek, and then pulled her back to smile. "Now, enough of this crying. We need some laughing. I think later we'll have to pull out my photo albums and let you see Michael growing up."
"Oh Maman…" Vaughn wrapped his arms around Sydney from behind, snuggling his head next to hers, laughing at his mother. "Why must you torture me?"
"Michael, I'm not torturing you! You are so handsome and I'm sure Sydney would love to see you as a baby and young man."
"I absolutely would." Sydney smiled, "It's only fair since you've seen all mine from Mom's DVD."
Vaughn smiled and rolled his eyes, "Yeah but you were really cute. I'm just a dork."
When Sydney burst out laughing he added, "I swear, you'll see. I was a scrawny dork. I might as well have had a pocket protector."
*A Time For Us (Romeo & Juliet)piano*
When Jack finally arrived in St. Petersburg, he was exhausted and looked like he'd been to hell and back. He ended up having to fly to Moscow and then get a connection to St. Petersburg and all he wanted right now was to hold Irina in his arms, kiss her and his baby and then take a hot bath. He was certain he'd get the hot bath and to hold his baby but whether or not Irina would let him hold her and kiss her was still in doubt.
When his taxi first pulled up to the gate of Alexander Palace it took Jack's breathe away. It was decorated with an unbelievable amount of lights everywhere, all white, on every single tree and around the fence, around every colonnade on the palace and the entire roofline.
With the fresh cover of snow it looked like something out of a fairy tale...then again, this was a palace and he was here to search for his princess. 'No not princess,' Jack thought to himself with a smirk remembering Irina's defiant 'I'm not a princess,' the first night he'd come here. He was here to search for his Empress and the thought made him smile.
This time he had no problems getting past the guards and once he was standing on the front landing, his nerves set in. He pressed the doorbell with his thumb and waited with baited breath.
Dmitri answered the door moments later. "Da svidanya, Mr. Bristow." He didn't smile, a little surprised not only to see Jack but by his appearance. "Irina didn't tell me to expect you," He ushered Jack indoors, taking his bag and coat immediately.
"She doesn't know I'm here. I wanted to surprise her." Jack smiled nervously, wondering why the older man was being so cold to him.
"Where are my girls?" He looked around hearing music coming from somewhere.
"They are in the Throne Room." Dmitri smiled warmly for the first time looking towards the opposite side of the palace, "She's playing lullabies to the baby."
"That's Irina playing?" Jack looked surprised toward the room the music was coming from. Having no idea she could play so well again after her injury.
"Yes." His smile dissipated quickly, "I'll take your things up to your room."
"Ok, Thank you." Jack couldn't believe he felt intimidated by this older man. Maybe it was because he'd taken on the role of Irina's father and protector when her father died. Jack remembered their 'last' conversation about 'protecting Irina.'
Jack walked slowly toward the room and the melody grew louder as he neared. He paused in the doorway of the candle lit room and felt his breath catch when he first saw her.
Irina looked as beautiful as ever with her long dark tresses swaying slighty over her white cashmere sweater as she played. The baby, strapped to her chest in the Baby Bjorn.
He sat quietly on the chair just inside the door, not wanting to disturb them, and to be able to watch. He hadn't seen Irina play for over twenty years and it was awe inspiring, like she was playing straight from her soul.
There was no music in front of her, she played from memory and by ear, she always had.
When Irina finished the song she sat there quietly a second and then seemed to sense she was being watched. She turned her head expecting Dmitri and instead found Jack. She didn't say anything, just stayed frozen looking at him.
"That was beautiful." Jack smiled sheepishly and stood, walking over to them.
"Thank you." She looked away and pushed her hair behind her ear.
"I didn't know you could play like that again." Jack squatted down near her by the bench so they were on the same level, but not invading her space.
"I didn't either until I sat down and started to play." She ran her hand over the top of their baby's head softly as she slept, lulled to sleep by her mother's playing.
"How's your hand?" Jack asked reaching out to hold Lena's tiny foot in his hand, trying to find someway to break the ice.
"It feels alright." She smiled softly, before asking in a quiet voice, "What are you doing here? It's not Monday yet?" She paused for a moment, "You look terrible." Irina ran her hand over his stubbly face before pulling it back quickly, averting her eyes.
"I feel terrible." Jack said, finding her eyes again with the admission. "It's taken me forever to get here. I ran into Sydney in Paris." He smiled softly catching her surprised reaction but she said nothing. "She said you'd already left Moscow but I had already gotten my flight there. So, I caught a connection up here as soon as I could... I've been miserable without you." He finally admitted, taking hold of her hand and 'thankful' when she didn't pull away, realizing this was his chance to lay it all out there.
"I've decided that even an hour away from you…is too long after more then twenty years apart. I came to apologize, to say I'm sorry… to ask you to forgive me for being such an ass. I was just insanely jealous, like you said, at the thought of any other man making love to you…I was wrong. I said some terrible things I didn't mean. I know in my heart without a doubt, that you love me above everything else except our children." He looked into her eyes and saw her starting to tear-up, but she stayed silent, letting him continue. "It was my head that was the problem. I let old emotions and memories of the past creep in and take over and as a result, I fell back into an ingrained habit of doubt and insecurity where you're concerned. I thought that after everything we'd been through, that those doubts and insecurities vanished. But at the first test of our relationship, my emotions proved me wrong. I hadn't dealt with them and somewhere they were lurking in the back of my mind waiting for the first opportunity to strike out at you. To make you pay for all the pain you'd caused me when you left…" He swallowed hard, finding his mouth dry admitting this but knowing it was absolutely necessary in earning her trust in him. He had to be honest, completely honest. "I know now, your reasons for leaving…that you had no other choice but knowing now, didn't take away the memories from that time period…and that was what my head was struggling to let go of. Somewhere inside of me, I needed that confirmation, that promise of where exactly I stood in your life… What I meant to you…Hearing that tape…realizing in my head what I already knew in my heart. When you left you took my heart, but you'd left me with yours. Dubey was right, and I was a fool…you gave me the most precious thing in the world, your heart, because you loved me and you trusted me and I ripped it out and threw it right in your face. I feel so terrible, because I know how much that hurts…its how I felt twenty years ago."
Jack reached up and gently wiped the steady stream of tears now rolling down her cheeks, dripping from her chin, "And doing that to you didn't make us 'even' or make me feel any better in fact I feel worse because I hurt the one person I love more then anything, the one person I love so deeply I would do anything to keep you from harm…and then I was the one that caused the harm. I'm just so scared of losing you again I let my fear take over and pushed you away…I'm ashamed of the way I treated you, what I said. I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve that."
He looked into her big brown eyes with his own blurry ones, making sure she understood fully what he was about to say, taking both of her hands into his he leaned forward, inches from her face.
Irina was trying to keep herself from breaking into sobs and her body was shaking.
"Sydney asked me how I knew you were the one for me…I said I know that you're the one for me because whenever we're apart, I can't stop thinking about the next time I get see you again. Every minute we're apart feels like I'm holding my breath… Since the first day we met, you've been the first person I think about when I wake up and the last before I sleep…even during our twenty-year separation."
A small sob escaped from Irina with that admission and Jack moved in closer, "You know me better then I know myself and every time I see you smile, " He smiled at Irina, getting her to smile in spite of her tears, "I fall that much more in love with you." He brushed the tears from her cheeks again, kissed the back of her hand, holding it to his heart. "You are my equal in every way and what we lack in ourselves, we find in each other. We complete one another. I'm committed to you, our relationship, our life and our love… I will spend forever and always proving my love and trust to you. I want to put the past hurts behind us… I love you. You have my heart. I want to be the man worthy of your heart again."
*Lovesong*
"You told Sydney that?" Irina sniffled, barely above a whisper, her body still shaking as she looked into Jack's eyes.
"Yes," Jack smiled and felt him-self chuckle at her question. She was obviously in shock. "I mean every single word, Irina. Every. Single. Word." He kissed her palm between every word, and held her hand against his face. "Please believe me." He was searching her eyes for some kind of reaction.
"I do believe you, Jack." She ran her thumb over his cheek as he held her hand in place, her voice now calm and steady. "And you have my heart, you've always had it…and yes, it hurts to have it thrown back at you and I'm sorry for doing that to you all those years ago…If I could have found a way…I would have."
"I know." He kissed her palm again, quickly seeing the tears pooling in her eyes again and feeling them in his own. "You did everything you could to stay, I know that and I forgive you. I know you didn't want hurt me, hurt us and now you have to forgive yourself, Irina. It was a situation you had no control over, it was out of your hands." He wiped her tears again and ran his fingers through her hair, putting it behind her ear. "The important thing now is, we survived it. We found our way back to each other and I have no intentions of ever letting you go again. I'm not afraid of our past anymore, I'm embracing it as its made us who we are 'now.' And I didn't lie when I said those were the happiest eleven years of my life…our marriage, it really was the years without that I couldn't stand."
"Before we can bury this 'big pink elephant' as Sydney would say," Irina spoke slowly then broke into a grin thinking about their oldest daughter,"There are some things you need to know, need to hear too. First being that I do love you more then any and all else with the exception of our children, that will never change." She smiled taking a breath. "Second, we haven't had a chance to ever talk about this, maybe I was scared that before you'd never believe me but…You know how the KGB had agents integrated in three phases? First is establishing, second, is receive your mark and form relationship, third is begin the actual act of espionage?" She was looking at Jack, waiting to see if he was following.
"Yeah, I know the phases…" He was suddenly finding it difficult to swallow, unsure of what she was about to tell him.
"The first four months of our relationship…Jack," She looked into his eyes seeing the confusion already there, "Those were not part of my assignment. When we met, it was by fate. It was not planned, I was only in Phase One… in fact I was trying to stay away from you, from my feelings for you because I was worried that once I got my 'assignment'…I wouldn't be able to give you up." She was searching his eyes for a reaction as she saw a million different emotions racing through them, mostly shock. "It wasn't until after we'd already started our relationship that I was told you were my 'mark.' There were other options for me, like the bastard Cuvee told you but they'd chosen you for me because I'd already established a relationship with you. He really didn't have a choice. And in all honesty, I was elated to find out that you were going to be my 'mark' because even though I felt terrible for stealing from you…lying to you about who I was, I got to keep you. My Jack. I got to keep you. I didn't have to give you up like I thought I was going to have to. Those first four months were the most freedom I'd ever felt with you. No lying, no stealing…just us. I'm sorry for being selfish and bringing you into all of this but I was so in love with you, its all I could think about. I was fighting how I felt about you all the way up until you kissed me against my apartment door, on my birthday…our first date, do you remember?"
Jack nodded he did, still stunned. It wasn't something he'd ever forget.
"Jack, our first meeting, our first date and kiss…the first time we ever made love and the hundreds of times after that in those months before I found out my assignment; that was 'us' Jack, not my mission. Everything before May 1st, Jack... none of that was tainted with my mission."
"Why didn't you tell me before?" He croaked out barely above a whisper, finding himself reeling.
"We haven't really had a chance to talk about it since my return and mostly I never brought it up because frankly, I knew you wouldn't believe me. Not then. Not when I first turned myself into CIA custody and not when I came to you that night at the house to tell you about being pregnant. I'm telling you now because you need to know, I can't keep that to myself anymore. Do you believe me? Because if you don't believe me, that you were posted as my mark after...its in my file that the CIA has confirms what I am telling you...If you don't believe me and need proof... Do you believe me?" She asked terrified that he wouldn't but hoping he would.
Jack's mind had been flashing back to that time period the entire time she was talking, her words overlaying images and moments in his mind. The first time they met, their first date and kiss, the first time they'd made love and all the times after…just as she said. He had his answer, just like he did when he looked into her eyes in Panama.
"Of course I believe you." He pulled her to him and kissed her quickly, "Of course I believe you. You fell in love with me before I was your mark…the same way I fell in love with you." He repeated to her, mostly to himself with a smile, not knowing how much that bit of information would affect him.
"Yes." Irina affirmed for him once again, while he held her face in his hand. "And there is something else I need to clear up for you." She sought out his eyes again, both of them taking a deep breath. "Jack I've only made 'love' with two men in my life. The others, Dubey included, were just sex…or being raped... The first, was my first." She paused making sure he understood what she was talking about.
"Mikhail." He breathed out barely above a whisper, picking the most logical choice with time frame, and age and someone she obviously loved at one time.
"Yes," She admitted 'not really surprised' he guessed correctly. "He was my first and last best friend until you…It was only one time. He knew what was going to happen to me when I went into the KGB…I didn't want my first time to be like that, so…" She trailed off, not feeling the need to go into details, "I loved him yes, but I was never in love with him the way I am with you. I was only fifteen and yes, I loved him as my best friend, my protector but nothing more. Which is why we decided, both of us, we were better off as friends." She smiled softly at the memory of her lost friend. "And the second, you know well. You, Jack, are the only other man I've EVER made love with. After I got out of prison…all those years without you. I could never make love with anyone else, I didn't want to. It was sex, and only sex. I had clearly defined boundaries and if he crossed them it was over immediately. No whispered words, no loving caresses, no 'good morning kisses' and I'd never stay the night or let them. After having you as my husband for over a decade there was no way I could make love to anyone else…especially since I still loved you and to do so would have felt like I was committing adultery… And after Kashmir, I didn't look at sex the same way anymore. I understood the difference between rape and sex and making love but my body…my soul had been through the motions so many times…that's all it could ever be to me. Until you…Until Panama. The last, and first time I'd made love to anyone in over twenty years…was with you, Jack." Irina held her breath looking into Jack's blurry eyes with her own.
Jack was floored by what he was hearing. Her reasoning, had been his own. "Me too…" He admitted barely above a whisper, "I just couldn't…didn't want to with anyone but you. I missed my wife…and in Panama, I found you again."
Irina smiled happily, and relieved to hear Jack confessing the same. The thought of him 'making love' to another woman in her absence had always stalked her mind.
And just as in Panama, she saw Jack's eyes going to her lips, she leaned in slightly, and his lips met hers in a soft kiss. His hands tangled into her hair, he captured her lower lip between his own and held the kiss for moment longer, not wanting the moment to end.
"I love you, Irina. Never doubt that." He whispered, staring into her brown depths just centimeters from her face. His breath tickling her face, she seized his lips with her own once more.
This time when they'd broke apart, Jack stood and pulled her into his arms, mindful of the baby between them, he held her against his body, relishing in the close contact. "I've missed you so much. I just never want to lose you again…"
"I'm not going anywhere Jack. I'm not going anywhere." She pulled back, cupping his face with her hands and a serious smile. "I love you… Why would I go anywhere else but where my heart is? You're 'home' to me Jack."
He leaned forward slowly, finding her delicious lips once more.
This time their embrace stirred Lena awake who began to whimper and let out a cry at being disturbed in her sleep.
Irina pulled back slowly, looking Jack in the eyes with a smile before calming Lena with her soothing Russian words, the baby completely mesmerized by the sound of her mother's voice. Jack leaned forward and placed a soft kiss to his daughters' head.
"Hello my sweet baby. I missed you." He smiled before kissing her again.
The baby's face suddenly contorted into complete distress before letting out another thunderous cry.
"Shhhh." Irina tried not laughing at Jack's defeated look at his daughter's reaction to him as she tried calming the baby once again.
Finding she wasn't able to, she promptly removed her from the Baby Bjorn, and lifted her sweater. Lena calmed immediately in Irina's arms, getting exactly what she wanted. Dinner.
"She likes you better." Jack ran his hand over her tiny head, with a wistful look on his face as the baby nursed.
"She likes my boobs, Jack. Don't take it too hard." She smiled and laughed as they began walking out of the Throne Room and up the stairs to her room.
"I don't blame her. I like your boobs, too." He stared at her heaving chest, waggling his eyebrows with a smile. "Lucky baby."
Irina just laughed, shaking her head as Jack put his arm around her, pulling her into his side. "You look like you need a hot bath."
"Has it been six weeks yet?" Jack smirked at Irina watching her take a seat in the chair by the window.
"Is that the reason you apologized?" Irina gave him her sexy glare, caressing Lena's arm with her fingers as she watched Jack remove his shirt.
"Irina, no…" Jack's tone suddenly became serious; not wanting her to think that the only connection he felt was sexual.
"Jack, I'm kidding." She laughed lightly with Cheshire cat grin as she watched the sudden tension leave his body. "And no, it hasn't been six weeks. But we're close…"
Jack smiled, removing his belt as he walked towards her. Then placing his hands on either side of the chair arms, dropped his head to hers, finding her lips in another kiss; his mouth moving to kiss the spot just below her ear, sending a shockwave right through Irina.
"Care to join me in that nice warm bath?" He asked, face just inches from hers as he looked down into her dark pools again, reaching his hand under her sweater tracing the curve of the underside of her unoccupied breast with his fingers while his thumb flicked her already hard nipple.
"Now somehow I don't think that'd be a good idea. Maybe you'd better take a cold shower instead." Irina smirked seeing the growing bulge in his boxers, she reached out and traced it lightly with her fingernails, causing Jack's stomach muscles to visibly clench. With her devious grin, and seductive voice she added, "You're idea not mine, remember? Something about 'being buried deep inside me?"
"Ah, yes…" Jack stilled her hand, pulling it away from him. "Now I remember why. You're worth the wait." He smiled kissing her quickly again before retreating into the bathroom.
Jack emerged from the bathroom twenty minutes later, having had to take a cold shower before his actual hot shower, towel wrapped around his waist and wild hair.
Irina was gone from the room and he saw Lena lying in the middle of her enormous 'Imperial' bed, obviously awake and completely content now having a full tummy.
Jack smiled at his baby, noticing Irina had changed her into her sleeper already, covered in a little tiny snowflake pattern. He kneeled onto the bed and crawled over to his daughter, flopping down on his side next to her.
"Hi Sweetie." He smiled, reaching out to find her little hand and happy when she closed her fingers around his. "Are you scared of Daddy? I wouldn't be surprised if you were…Seems like I'm always yelling at Mommy and scaring you, huh?" He whispered and leaned in closer to her, placing a soft kiss to her forehead as she made a tiny yawn, thinking about the times when he had raised his voice around her.
First being the first time Irina said she felt her kick, at his house when she came to tell him she was pregnant and they'd fought. Then again the first night, before they'd 'made up' in St. Petersburg when he'd found her, and then again when Irina had returned from her run after Cuvee and finally, this last blow up in Jakarta when his verbal assault on Irina had awoken the baby causing her to cry. Like Sydney had said, he'd scared her.
Jack shook his head, realizing now the importance of Sydney's words about how he treated their mother affecting them, and how those actions had already affected his newborn daughter. He didn't want his daughter to associate his voice with fear.
"I'm sorry for scaring you." He smiled sadly into her little face, talking in a soft voice. "I promise I won't scare you again by yelling at Mommy like that again, ok? I love Mommy…and I love you." He dropped another kiss to her tiny ear. "I'm sorry."
Irina stood in the doorway watching, with a smile on her face. She'd gone to get Jack a tray of something to eat as they'd already eaten dinner for the evening.
"Feel better?" She asked walking into the room and setting the tray on the table near the balcony windows.
"Much." Jack smiled softly back, kissing the baby one more time before rolling over and off the bed. He walked slowly to Irina and the table, kissing her lips and pulling her towards his body. "I missed you so much." He admitted again, brushing his nose with hers as Irina's hands traveled down his bare back.
"I missed you too." She found his lips and bit it lip softly, letting her teeth drag along his bottom lip as she pulled away. "Dmitri made you a tray." She smiled, letting her hands fall from his back as she took a step towards the bed and their baby.
"Are you sure its not laced with arsenic?" Jack grumbled to himself as he removed the cover inspecting his dinner.
Irina chuckled softly as she lay on the bed next to Lena, "Why on Earth would you ask that?"
"I don't know what I did, but from the moment I arrived tonight, the old man has been like ice to me." He picked up some kind of Russian something-or-other made of bread and meat and took a bite. It was, really good and he shook his head approvingly. "Do you know what I did?"
"No, but why don't you ask him?" Irina smiled down at Lena, not looking up as she spoke. "Unless you're scared of him…" She looked up with her teasing grin, catching Jack's reaction.
"Ok, I will ask him…Tomorrow, I'll ask him." He'd accepted her challenge for what it was.
"Ok then." She laughed, peppering Lena's head with kisses before crawling off the bed and pulling her sweater over her head.
"What are you doing?" Jack's breath hitched as she continued removing her clothing.
"I'm taking a shower." She looked at him funny, and then broke into a grin, "If that's ok with you?"
"Yeah…whatever." Jack shrugged looking away flustered as Irina smiled to herself and slipped into the bathroom. Jack was sitting on the bed in his pajama pants with Lena sleeping on his bare chest when Irina finally emerged out of a steamy bathroom a half hour later.
"What'd you fall asleep in there?" He smiled stroking the baby's back, his hand covering her entire body before resting under her bum, boosting her up higher.
"Something like that." Irina smiled coyly, removing the towel from her head and letting her dark tresses fall wildly down her back.
Jack had no idea what that meant and maybe he didn't want to know with their 'current predicament;' and Irina wasn't going to elaborate obviously so he didn't ask anything more.
Irina knew what he was thinking and smiled to herself as she dropped her towel and picked up the bottle of lotion, pouring a small amount of the heavenly scent onto her palm before lifting her leg, resting it on the foot of the bed and massaging the lotion into her skin.
"I swear to God woman, you're trying to kill me!" Jack took a deep breath watching as she lathered up her naked body, just a few feet from him. The scent of the lotion tickling his nose and awakening all the sensations he'd just calmed down with his cold shower.
Irina let out a deep laugh as she flipped her wild mane over her back and lifted the other leg. When she finished Irina opened her armoire and pulled a nightgown out of the top drawer, pulling it over her head as she walked toward him.
*Fade Into You *
"I was thinking." She smiled, crawling on all fours up the foot of the bed, up and over Jack's legs until she came to sit on his lap and her knees, straddling him. "About everything…about what you said tonight." She put her arms around his neck, Lena cocooned between their embrace. She looked into his eyes.
"And I've been thinking about what you said," He shifted his hips under hers,' trying desperately not to think about the fact she wasn't wearing any underwear and the entirely-too-close proximity of 'those' regions.
"Oh yeah?" She flipped her hair over one shoulder, bending her head down to place a soft kiss to her baby's head. "Which part?" The grinding of her hips driving Jack insane with her every move.
"Irina, either you have to stop moving or you're going to need a Chastity Belt as the only means of stopping me from breaking my own promise." He said seriously, looking into her eyes causing her to burst out laughing.
"Now there's the sense of humor I knew and loved so much." She smiled as her laughing subsided and Jack cracked a smile. She moved once more so that her feet were in a better position and not cutting off her circulation. She had a feeling they might be sitting like this for a while
"Are you settled?" He asked when she finally stopped moving, looking at him and biting her lip. When she nodded with a smile he tried to answer her question.
"I was thinking about all of it. Everything you said. And just before you walked out…Panama." He ran his hand down Lena's back, remembering exactly what was 'made' that night, in more ways then one: a connection, love and a baby…a new beginning.
"And what about Panama?" Irina asked twirling the hair behind Jack's ear with her finger.
"I was thinking how that night was the first night, I'd felt 'complete' since you left." He looked deeply into her eyes, reaching up to 'toy' with one of her own wet tendril curls framing her face, before putting it behind her ear with a smile.
"Me too. I didn't want the morning to come. I wanted that night to go on forever." Irina sighed with a small smile thinking about the events almost a year ago.
"Because you knew you were going to leave me…us again in the morning?" Jack asked, feeling it was now or never if they were going to keep building trust with honesty.
"Yes." Irina admitted softly, looking into his eyes. "I was waging a battle with myself all morning over my decisions…the entire week leading up to that morning actually. I didn't want to leave you again…leave Sydney. I never wanted to hurt you, betray you like that again." She looked down for a brief moment then found his eyes again. "Sydney wasn't supposed to still be working in the CIA when I'd planned out my extraction. That's why I wanted to bring down SD-6, so that she'd get out of this life and be gone from the CIA by then. So it wouldn't feel to her, like I was betraying her again."
"And me?" Jack asked softly, swallowing the lump in his throat wondering what she thought about betraying him then. "What about betraying me again?"
"Jack I never thought we'd find each other again…" She reached up and lay her palm on his cheek and then down to hold onto his neck, running her thumb over his jaw. "I never expected that I would 'allow' myself to remember how I felt about you…I'd survived without for so many years by turning my love for you into hate. Because if I hated you, despised you…I wouldn't miss you. It was the only way I could keep going…" She sighed and took a deep breath thinking back to that day. "I'd seen your debriefing tapes after your imprisonment…I knew you turned your love into hate as well." She saw the shock on his face and paused briefly. "When I saw you for the first time…when you came to my cell that day. I saw the look in your eyes. My speculation was confirmed. You hated me. You wanted to kill me…" She ran her thumb over the ridge of his ear nervously. "What I said to you, I didn't mean it."
Irina found his eyes with hers, making sure he knew she was speaking the truth. "I was trying to push your buttons because even if it was 'hate' you felt for me, it was something and something was better then nothing at all. As long as you hated me, it made it easier for me to go through with my plan. What I didn't count on, was how 'deep' your hatred of me ran… framing me for Madagascar." She searched his eyes seeing the obvious sadness and guilt there for his actions.
"I'm sorry for that; for what I did. I was terrified." It was Jack's turn to see the surprise in her eyes, he ran his hand down her arm."Terrified for a lot of reasons. For Sydney of course, that you'd betray her; hurt her in your end game. I was terrified that you'd tell her what I'd done with Project Christmas, that she'd hate me and I'd lose her forever...Mostly I was terrified… because…the moment I saw you, I knew I'd been lying to myself. I didn't hate you at all… I felt the same skip in my heart as the first day I looked into your big brown eyes." His hand ran up her arm and cupped her face, staring into those same big brown eyes. "I was scared to death to let myself fall for you again. That's why I framed you. If you were gone, out of our lives…you couldn't hurt us again. Hurt me. Destroy my life again…"
"I'm sorry…" Irina reached her hand up to hold his wrist as his hand still cupped her face.
"I know you are." Jack gave her a small smile. "If you can forgive me for trying to have you executed, I can certainly forgive you for the past, I know, wasn't your fault."
"In India," She swallowed the lump in her throat, starting again with a smile, "When we were ambushed, the way we could still read each others minds…and then on the train remembering our 'toaster incident," She laughed as Jack smiled thinking about that 'incident.' She didn't need to say the rest; he knew what she was thinking.
That's when both of the cracks began in the walls around their hearts, remembering that 'love' existed there once…and still did somewhere inside them.
"I'm just glad Sydney didn't ask anymore questions about that night. Like 'why' you forgot about the toast you were making." She smiled, running her hand down his arm, laughing at the thought.
"Yes, 'Thank God' her mind moved onto the hotel and ice cream sundaes. Telling her I was too busy thrusting into you on the kitchen table over her painting of 'Cookie Monster' to notice any fire, wouldn't have been an option." He grinned widely at the memory.
"Definitely not an option. Which is why I left you to explain." She smiled running her hand over his shoulders with a small laugh.
"Yeah I noticed." Jack moved his hand over her satiny nightgown to rest on her rear. "Thankfully she remembered only the sundaes."
"Which we let her have out of guilt, for destroying her 'beloved painting' she'd made for you." Irina laughed shaking her head. "Didn't you tell her that you took it to work with you? That's why it was missing?"
"Yeah…I lied to my four year old." Jack shook his head in shame with a grin. "God, we were terrible parents."
The laughter faded with that thought.
"I loved seeing Sydney smile at remembering though." Jack added after a minute of contemplation.
"Me too." Irina moved her hand over Jack's chest and brushed the back of Lena's cheek with her finger, in thought for a moment. "Then you remembered 'who' I was didn't you? And thought it was a lie, that night together?"
Jack nodded solemnly, "Under orders to fabricate a life with me…' That's what I kept thinking."
"But that's not what I was thinking that night, you realize that now right?" She turned his chin up to look at her.
"Yes. I know that now." He smiled. "That's why it's a happy memory again." He pulled her forward to kiss her.
"Why didn't you leave me there?" Irina asked when they broke apart. "In Kashmir after I gave you the keys and told you to leave. Especially if you thought I never loved you…that it was all a lie."
"Because I, still loved you." He ran his hand down her back again. "I wasn't going to leave you there to die in the air strikes. I don't care what reasons I tried to tell Kendall or Sydney and even myself were for not leaving without you. The simple truth…was that I still loved you. I wasn't going to let you die there." He smiled and shrugged. "You'd given us a way to escape when you had the chance to betray us… That's when I started to hope, that maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you did turn yourself in to make up for 'past mistakes' as you told me."
"The 'illusion of freedom." Irina repeated from that conversation. "I seriously thought about taking you up on that offer. Telling you my plan."
"But the lure of Rambaldi was too strong." Jack shook his head.
"I had to stick to the plan. The plan is what I 'knew.' Thinking about anything else was dangerous." Irina smiled softly, thinking about that day. "I'll admit to you though, finding out we were still married made me so happy. It was another connection…another thread of our life to hold onto."
"So was I," Jack admitted, "For the same reasons. I came to you for help with Kane because I needed to be in your presence. Like I said before. I'm addicted to you. The more I'm around you, with you, the more I crave you. I love your resonating mind and the way we can think and speak the same things without ever having to say the words. I'd missed that."
"Me too." Irina smiled. "My thoughts kept drifting off though. The unresolved sexual tension was killing me by then." She laughed. "Between the arguing, the adrenaline and sitting in such close proximity. Especially after twenty years…"
"Believe me. My mind wandered to." Jack laughed thinking about it. "Like how I could take you on the floor, the table, or up against the glass."
"Really…interesting." Irina pinched his nipple with a naughty grin. "Almost makes me want to go back to my cell. Just so we can try that." She laughed.
He ran his hand down her thigh. "If your little genius mind can think of a way to do it without the entire Ops floor watching, I'm in."
"Oh... I'll think about it." Irina laughed, as did he. "And hold you to it Agent Bristow. Then you'll really get to see 'this bad' girl in action." She looked at him seductively.
"I've seen this bad girl in action remember? Bangkok?" He raised his eyebrow as his hand slid higher up her thigh, bunching up her nightgown and exposing more flesh.
"Ah yes, Bangkok." She laughed slightly, remembering Jack's reaction when she came out of the bathroom.
"Scared the shit out of me with your spectacular use of knives. Gave me a real reality check, that you really are lethal when you want to be." Jack shook his head remembering watching as she let Stuka play his 'game' and then killed him and two of his bodyguards within seconds using the same knife.
"Only when I 'have' to be." She corrected him.
"Don't get me wrong, its also sexy as hell to see you in action. Watching you walk into that club…Wow!" He smiled. "Took my breath away… you are so beautiful."
She looked softly into his eyes, speaking softly. "You saved my life that night...After all I'd done to you…you still saved my life. My emotions almost got the best of me on the flight to Hong Kong thinking about that."
"I know." Jack smiled softly. "That's why you switched subjects…"
"And you switched back." She returned the small smile.
"Reminding you that I loved you deeply once…" Jack laced his fingers with hers, lying on his chest. "And I had to leave because looking at you, being that near you…I was about to admit, I still did."
"Saying goodbye to Sydney…Before we left for Panama." Irina held his hand with both of hers, playing with his fingers as she talked. "Had almost been my undoing. I kept thinking about the last time I'd had to say goodbye to her." Irina felt tears start to pool in her eyes. "When she put her hand up to my against the glass. I remembered doing the same thing with her on the day of my extraction and I had to pull my hand away, or I knew I'd burst into tears. After that, the whole trip to Panama…that's when the internal war started…'go' or 'stay."
"I know." Jack reached up with a smile, wiping the lone tear that had spilled over lid. "You were fidgeting like crazy the entire flight and then when we were going over the plan."
"You noticed that huh?" She smiled and blinked back the unshed tears as Jack nodded 'yes.' "When you removed the tracker…feeling your hands on my skin again I forgot everything I was thinking, what I was saying…I knew you were thinking what I was thinking."
"I had to kiss you." Jack remembered the look in her eyes, the softness of her skin, her beautiful lips that he'd longed for, for so long. "And once I did…I couldn't stop. I had to be as close to you as possible. And being inside you for the first time in twenty years…was like coming 'home.' That's how I know what its like to make love." He looked down at sleeping baby on his chest, the physical manifestation of that love. "I knew you were up to something with Sloane. I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to you to stay with me. Waking up next to you…I could barely breathe. For so many years I dreamed of you there, right next to me again and then there you were. Real and in the flesh, your warm body curled into mine. I didn't want to wake you either." He spoke softly, looking into her eyes. "I didn't want you to leave me again."
"I didn't want to leave either." Irina felt the unshed tears coming back. "I went into the shower and sat down and cried. All those feelings for you that I'd compartmentalized, locked away since Kashmir, were out."
Jack was surprised, having no idea she'd been crying in the bathroom that whole time.
"But I pulled myself together. And tried to move as slowly as possible getting ready to pro-long my departure. You did too. You were analyzing me weren't you? Because you didn't trust me and you knew what I was going to do."
Jack nodded 'yes.' "I knew you were upset. The kiss in the bathroom, and then again right before we left the room. When you were looking into my eyes. You were trying to tell me that you loved me. And the last kiss…I knew, was a 'goodbye' kiss. God, I wanted to be wrong."
"Yes." Irina's mouth felt dry as her tears clouded her vision. He had seen what she was trying to convey. "When the limo pulled up that was supposed to be carrying Sloane, Jack, I abandoned my plan."
His eyes went wide in surprise, letting her finish.
"I decided I couldn't go through with it. But Sloane changed the plan, he wasn't in the car and I decided, Sloane's not in the car, I'm not going. But as Sark was leaving, I knew we'd lose our chance to get Sloane that's when I asked to take the guards."
Jack's mind raced back to that day, remembering Kendall asking 'why the hell doesn't she just get in the car, we'll track her?' Irina indecisiveness and then how she asked to take the guards.
"I was hoping to buy time, hoping you would figure out 'what' I'd been planning and stop it, stop me. When I heard the chopper with the Delta Team I was relieved, you'd caught on." Irina sighed,"But we'd thought of everything. And the team lost the limo in the switch. When Sloane pulled up, I knew I'd made the choice and now I had to follow through with it."
It was Jack's turn to sigh at what 'might have been' if only… There was no use in playing the 'if only' game. She was here now and that is all that mattered.
He put his fingers through her hair, cupping the back of her neck gently and pulled her lips toward his in a soft kiss then rested his forehead against hers for a moment 'Thank God' she was with him now.
"In Germany, when you called out Sydney's name…You were trying to save her life weren't you?" Jack asked softly when they parted after a minute.
"Yes." Irina sighed again, "I knew she'd chase me out of the building." She bit her bottom lip nervously thinking about that day as did Jack.
"Marshall said your tracking signal was lost because of an electrical overload. How did you cut the signal?" Jack's brow creased in wonder following her gaze as she looked down to her chest.
Irina traced the moon shaped scars with her finger. "There was no time to cut it out. I knew we had to overload it. So, I had Julian zap me with cardiac paddles." She shrugged, with a half smile. "There was no time for gel."
Jack inhaled sharply thinking about the drastic measure she'd taken to disrupt the signal and reached out tentatively to touch the light marks."You're crazy." He looked her in the eyes before breaking into a smile.
"So some say." She smiled.
"Where'd you go after that?" Jack was curious about her time after escaping, having never talked about it with her before.
"We went to Tuscany." Irina put her hand over Lena's head, remembering yet another tragic day and incident this little baby had survived. "That was a terrible day." Her brows furrowed in sadness. "In the tunnel with Sydney…neither one of us wanted to shoot at each other. I'd shoot at her when she was around the corner, she'd shoot at me when I was behind mine. It was awful. When she caught me on the ladder, there was no way I could let her take me back to prison for life or rather my death as I'd broken my immunity agreement. There was this moment that we both kind of froze, just looking at each other before she shot me. She gave me my freedom…and we lost Emily."
She shook her head taking a deep breath trying not to cry. "Sloane told me Sydney had spoken at Emily's 'funeral' just after Barcelona, when she'd faked her death. He told me what Sydney said…I couldn't let her give up on me yet, let her believe I was a 'heartless monster,' that's why I sent her the message."
"Truth takes time." Jack said softly, understanding now how terrible Irina must have felt hearing that Sydney believed her to be an 'unfeeling monster that never loved her.' That Sydney had basically said she 'wished' Emily was her mother before she knew the 'truth' about Irina.
"She didn't believe I loved her." Irina shook her head slowly, remaining silent for a moment looking down at Lena and thinking about Sydney before adding,"I loved her from the moment I knew I was pregnant with her. I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep her, keep a baby that 'we' made… Which is why I didn't tell my handler that I was pregnant until after I knew it was too late for an abortion."
Jack's mind suddenly went to Irina's KGB file and her 'reasons' to her handler on 'why' she couldn't terminate the pregnancy. He also remembered accusing Elsa Caplan of 'selfishly' wanting to keep her baby because of Irina choosing to keep Sydney.
"Where did you go just now?" Irina scrunched her eyebrow, having seen the look in his eyes.
"I was thinking of someone else who defied orders and had a child with their 'mark.' Defied orders again by saving the life of her 'husband."He answered ominously, running his hand over Lena's back.
Irina studied Jack a moment, thinking before she came to a realization. "Elsa Caplan." Her guess was confirmed correct when Jack's eyes darted up to hers. "How are they?" She knew the CIA had put them into witness protection.
"Doing ok." Jack finally answered after thinking for a moment if he should or not. She obviously knew anyway. "Were you responsible for sending her to the US?" Jack wondered now that he knew she was the 'ruler' of the Russian government.
"No." Irina answered truthfully. "I knew of her, but it wasn't my call at that time to send her on that mission. That was before I had complete control over the FSB."
"She knew about you. 'Irina Derevko." Jack said softly, remembering his and Elsa's heated argument over Irina.
Irina took a deep breath realizing why, "They used my 'mission,' my behavior as an example. In their own twisted way of course." She shook her head.
"Example how?"
"Well, my mission was viewed as 'highly successful' in spite my refusals to comply with orders in the end of killing you and bringing Sydney back with me, because after so many years abroad, they were able 're-educate me' when all was said and done. They used me as an example at the Academy." She paused tracing, the outline of Jack's thumb with her own. "The cyanide pill became standard proto-cal... because of me. Because of my mission, and my refusal to kill you." She looked into his eyes. "That's why she knows about me."
Jack's mind was spinning. Because of Irina, the KGB had found a way to take the control away from the agent and give the power back to the superiors.
"Thank you for not following that order." He smiled softly breaking into a smile trying to lighten the sudden depressing mood.
"There was no way I could." She smiled back, leaning in to capture his lips as her hands ran through his hair, pulling his head towards her.
The kiss quickly turned heated, both of them wanting so badly to do, that which they could not.
Irina pulled back suddenly, "I know, I'm sorry," realizing they had to stop before things got out of control. "I just can't help myself right now. I love you so much. Talking about all of this…realizing once again what we've made it through. I just want you."
Jack reached up cupping her face with one hand, brushing her cheek with his thumb, "Don't ever apologize for that." He smiled, kissing her softly once more before breaking the contact. "Did you have a good time with Sydney in Moscow?" He changed to happier and safer subjects.
"Of course." Irina smiled, dropping another kiss to Lena as she couldn't help herself. Her baby was too beautiful not to shower with kisses.
"We did a lot of talking too. We talked about her relationship with Michael, about yours and mine and the story of how we met." She smiled brightly, "She asked me to tell her about the day she was born." She laughed recalling the day and Sydney's reaction. "She loved that story."
"I do too." Jack smiled, "Even though you were scary." He laughed as she swatted him laughing.
"I brought her with me to the orphanage and took her to the ballet." She smiled wistfully thinking about both. "We laughed, we cried, we laughed some more. Then we cried some more. It was wonderful." She laughed at Jack's reaction as he mouthed 'women,' rolling his eyes.
"What did you do at the orphanage?" Jack asked curiously.
"I buy the kids Christmas presents every year and spend the day with them. We even talked about 'Cookie Monster." She laughed thinking about the 'toaster incident' they'd just discussed. "Sydney helped me this year and we had a lot of fun, which by the way reminds me…" She waggled her eyebrows while Jack was still in 'awe' of another surprising aspect of Irina he hadn't known about. "Since you're here, I need another helper tomorrow with the orphans here in St. Petersburg? I promise I will make it worth your while," She said in a low husky voice, wiggling her hips.
He had an idea of how she intended to repay him. "Why do I have a feeling this somehow involves me doing something I won't enjoy very much?" He arched his eyebrow with an accusatory look as she laughed.