To Love is to Bury
It's been years since Sammy died but, I've never forgiven myself for letting him take the deal. Dad gave me one task, look after Sammy, and I couldn't even manage that, hell I couldn't even fulfil his dying wish, if I'd just killed Sammy when I knew what he'd become, like dad told me to… Sam always thought I was the dutiful son, I guess he was wrong there, he was my weak spot, always had been.
Now that self-righteous douchebag past me has shown up, I can see him judging me, comparing himself to me. I was weak back then, if I went back now I would do what was needed to stop the apocalypse, kill Sam, say yes to Michael, and allow the whole damn mess to play out like God planned. He hasn't been here these last four years, he hasn't had to watch his friend fade into a parody of himself or find Bobby dead in a crappy little cabin, He died in his sleep, can you believe that? He always wanted to go down fighting; he died like an old drunk slumped over a freaking diary! Being judged by yourself is hard enough but now I know what Bobby wrote about me, and he was right I was lost, just not the day the perimeter broke, I was lost with Sam. Who's in some factory only a few miles away, trapped inside his head, having to watch Lucifer kill with his body, it's a trap, sure, but I'm tired, I've fought long enough, I should've said yes before the angels slammed their gates shut, I should have faced my destiny, not run from it.
So I'm going to follow my destiny and fight Lucifer, allow the plan to unfold. The plan years in the making, the one that forced my parents together and forced me and Sam into 'the life' I could have had a family, a home that wasn't some crappy motel in the nearest backwater town, Sam could be married now, have kids, a dog, be a lawyer. But destiny and the god squad intervened, it was always going to happen this way, I've spent my whole life saving people, hunting things, being part of the freaking family business.
I have a plan, to get to Lucifer and free Sam. Like I said he's baiting me, but he won't be expecting what I'm going to do, after all he only knows me from Sam's memories and now I'm prepared to do a lot more than I would have. I have one shot, one shot to kill the devil and I'm going to buy time by storming his hideout, Chuck, I know you'll read this and I know how much you will hate me for what I am going to do, or what I've already done. But understand, I released them, Cas, Risa, the others, even death is better than this; maybe Cas is home at last, home and happy. Their lives, my life, to save whoever is left. To fulfil our destiny.
And now here I am, writing in a diary, just like Bobby, like the rest of them, but why bother fighting it now, I'm not going to be around to talk to Chuck about my feelings, this is it, and this is most likely my suicide note.
- Dean