(A/Ns: requested by nualie! prompt: "you shouldn't have come here". fic/AU: nepenthe.
look im actually writing these. ok so this is longer than i intended, and it would've made more sense after nepenthe is finished, but basically, it takes place about 6-8 weeks after the current events of nepenthe. it felt good to write.

please drop a review if you can!

content warnings: homophobia, drinking, swearing, Elliot crying again, mentions of smoking, mentions of drug addiction/death, gay thoughts)

Fictober #3 - "You shouldn't have come here"

[From Oz, 21:35]
Are you sure you're okay?

[From Oz, 21:37]
Do you want me to come round there again? :3

Elliot sighed, knocked his head against the chain suspending the swing, and unlocked his phone. He couldn't leave the other on 'read' twice in a row.

[To Oz, 21:38]
Yeah, I'll be fine. Just a little shaken

Exhaling, he then slumped against the chain altogether, pocketing his phone and shoving his hands in his pockets.

Currently, much against his will, he was at the park, a few blocks from his house. It was bordering between the good and the bad areas of the town, but he honestly didn't care.

Not too long ago, he'd gotten into yet another argument with his father, after his sister had had a go at him for staying late after school with Leo yet again.

Well what was she expecting?! He'd only been fully off the drugs for 6 weeks! And - whilst he hated to admit it - Elliot didn't really trust his boyfriend at all when it came to drugs.

To cut a long story short, one thing had led to another, and the argument soon took an ugly turn, the focus of their frustration flitting to Elliot's sexuality. And that hurt. It hit him hard, and it hurt.

So, after grabbing the secret bottle of vodka Lottie had supplied him for times like his, he'd left out the window of his bedroom, giving himself some time and space to himself.

And some much-needed time for self-loathing.

He hated himself, he really did. His family would never be able to come to terms with who he was. And it just made him flat-out depressed, to be frank.

Lethargically, whilst internally suppressing said thoughts, Elliot bent over, and picked up the vodka off the ground beside his foot. Unscrewing the cap off, he didn't even give it a moment of thought, as he necked the straight liquor and suppressed a gag. He knew it was scummy, and that he was above this, but who cares?

The alcohol clouding his judgement meant that he sure as hell didn't care who saw him, or what they thought.

"You shouldn't have come here."

Shit.

Ok, ok. Maybe there were some people who he didn't want to see him like this.

That voice - the intonation indecipherable - belonged to Ernest, his last younger brother living at him, who was now slowly approaching Elliot with his arms folded over his chest.

This is going to get ugly, Elliot thought immediately, clutching the vodka tighter between his hands. His heart physically ached; he couldn't take another argument about this. Emotionally he just… couldn't. Shit, he's gonna find the vodka as well.

And that exactly he did, wordlessly plucking the bottle straight from Elliot's hands, inspecting it for a moment, before launching it into the fence, shrouded by bushes.

"Sorry…" Elliot murmured idly, his gaze flitting to the floor in an attempt to avoid eye contact.

"You didn't do anything wrong, per say." Ernest spoke with a strange calmness in his words. It was… unsettling, but also remotely comforting somehow. "Albeit I'm not sure drinking neat vodka on a Tuesday evening is a good idea."

Internally, Elliot face-palmed. He didn't even want to think about the hangover he'd inevitably have tomorrow morning. "Yeah…"

A heavy silence lingered.

"Why are you here?" Elliot confronted weakly. "Tch, has father sent you to come and get me?"

"Nope," Ernest said, as he stuck his hand in his pocket and sauntered over to the swing beside Elliot. Sitting down, he took a few more seconds to scan the other over, before averting his gaze to the horizon of the field in front of them. "Our father doesn't know either of us aren't home."

Another pause. Elliot seemed reluctant to speak.

"What's up?"

"It doesn't matter," Elliot grumbled. Internally, he just wished he still had the vodka, as he fiddled with his hands in his lap in a futile hope to move his attention from this conversation. "It won't mean anything to you."

Ernest sighed. "This isn't about him, right?"

Elliot didn't respond.

"It's about your sexuality, isn't it?"

Freezing, physically and mentally, Elliot found himself unable to respond this time. His heart pounded within his chest. He couldn't have this conversation again. Not with someone so hateful of it.

A second later, though, he nodded. Denial never worked.

"We need to talk about this," Ernest said, his tone still level.

"I don't want to talk about this with you," Elliot refused bluntly. "None of you understand, or even care!"

"I might not understand," Ernest shrugged, unable to pull Elliot's gaze from the ground. "But I do care."

There was a short pause.

"I'm ready to listen, Elliot."

Elliot didn't say anything.

"Alright, we'll start slow," Ernest declared, flashing the other a slight smile. "How did you know you were, you know, gay?"

Internally, Elliot cringed. Hearing his brother say that sent so many emotions racing through him.

Nevertheless, hesitantly, he gave an answer. "Well... my friends always seemed to make jokes about it, because I never really seemed interested in girls. And, uh, the girls always seemed interested in me, for some reason…"

Ernest chuckled. "Because you're a rich, good-looking aristocrat. Why wouldn't they have a crush on you?"

"I don't know!" Elliot yelped. "I just… never pay attention to them?"

"Well…" There was another short pause. "Why… didn't you?"

"I'm… not sure…" Elliot exhaled heavily. This conversation, as expected, was mentally draining. "You'd seen me, I've been on dates before." He couldn't help but laugh at that. "The amount of girls who asked me out; I don't even remember. But I… I guess I just... couldn't bring myself to feel that way about them. There was just... nothing there."

Slowly, Ernest nodded. It was still unknown to him, but that's why they were here, right? He was learning. They would work through it. "So… what happened when this new friend of yours came into the picture?"

"Boyfriend…" Elliot grunted almost inaudibly. He was getting sick of correcting people about that. But still, he laughed a little. Tragically. At himself. "He drove me insane. But I enjoyed being around him. And then when he wasn't there, I'd feel really lonely. And then, one day, I... he was sick, and had basically told me to go away. And I just felt rejected. And then Oz and Lottie kept making jokes about it, and I just... I don't know. I just knew then."

"That's what I don't understand," Ernest said. Elliot's heart dropped, just a little. "How do you know?"

"You just... get this feeling. And when you come to terms with it, everything suddenly makes sense. The lack of attraction towards females, that weird attraction I had towards him. And the fact that I'd gotten... really defensive whenever my friends made jokes." He sighed, looking towards the sky for the faintest bit of hope that Ernest believed him. "And I just knew it at that point. I knew I was gay."

"I see…" Ernest mumbled, deep in thought, his gaze captivated by the horizon. "So, it's not a choice?"

At that, Elliot snorted, derisively; at himself, again. "Of course not. If it was my choice then... I wouldn't be gay. I hate myself for it."

"When did this all happen? How long did you… keep it to yourself?"

"Um… probably about two months ago? It was that time, when you…" His found his words trailing off. His voice cracked, his chest tightening all of a sudden. Remembering that day was painful. Really. It hurt to even think about. And that – that was reflected by the tears, uncontrollably brimming in his eyes. He winced, shying away from Ernest's stare, with a hand half-concealing his eyes. "I'd been in my room, thinking about it, and I'd just… realised, and then you were saying all that shit, like how it was… i-inconsiderate, and disgusting, a-and attention-seeking."

"Elly, don't start crying on me now," Ernest scolding softly. It was, however, in no way aggressive, or in tolerant; rather, understanding, if anything. "At first, I thought you were doing it for attention. I'm not going to pretend I didn't. But then... you got so upset over it. And I can see now just how much it bothers you. And clearly nothing is going to change it, so..." He paused, waiting for Elliot to stop sobbing. And then, with more honesty in his words than the other had ever heard before, he continued. "I'm okay with it, really."

Great. He'd just stopped crying, and now he was back to sobbing again. Really great.

He wanted to speak. He wanted to respond. But he physically couldn't. His vocal chords simply stopped working.

Then, Ernest sighed, and placed a hand sympathetically on his shoulder. With a comforting squeeze, he flashed him a brief, but earnest smile. It was… reassuring. "I can't imagine what this is like for you, but I want you to know that I'm opening up to it. Because you're no different. Haha, you're… still my baby brother."

Eventually, Elliot was able to just about stop crying, forcing a smile on his lips as he wiped the tears from his eyes. "Yeah, I…"

"So," Ernest said. "Tell your big brother about this boyfriend you love so very much~"

Crying was instantly replaced with blushing furiously. Elliot cringed, visibly, but was thankfully able to laugh it off. "What… do you want to know? How much do you already know?"

"Well, listening to Dad, I… picked out that he's an addict," he said. "What's… that all about?"

"Was…" Elliot corrected under his breath. "His father was… killed in a car crash, and he almost died, too. And he was prescribed… OxyContin. I'm… sure you know what that is. And… yeah, it went from there. The amount he's gone and gotten through is… incredible."

"Yeah, must've been rough…" Ernest muttered, absently. "You're not going to like what I tell you next, but… that video. I have seen."

Elliot's stomach filled with dread, and his blood boiled. "What?"

"I didn't ask to see it. Dad and Vanessa were watching the footage of the night he was in hospital, and they… showed me."

"So wait," Elliot deadpanned, evidently pissed off. "Y-You know that moment meant a lot to me, and now you're telling me everyone's seen it?!"

"I know," he said. "I know it meant a lot to you. I could… tell it meant a lot to you. And it was at that point I thought that, just maybe, this whole gay thing really didn't matter."

Sure enough, Elliot wanted to cry again. Those words were something he never, ever imagined he'd hear. His gaze locked on the horizon, and shortly, he found himself re-evaluating his life.

"So, have you slept with him yet?"

"What the heck?!" Elliot yelled, his face flushing a deep red.

"If you had a girlfriend, I'd ask the same thing," Ernest reasoned, winking at his brother.

"Oh…" Elliot frowned, but chuckled nonetheless, shaking his head. "No, I haven't."

"Figures," he said, and then abruptly, stood up. "Come on. It's 10 o'clock already. You need to be in bed."

"I'm almost 17, asshole," Elliot grumbled, standing up from the swing. However, as soon as his feet came into contact with the ground, he swayed, his balance throwing him off.

"You really ought to watch your drinking," Ernest commented slyly.

"Yeah…" Elliot sighed in defeat. "You're… not going to tell father, right?"

"Jesus, of course not," he scoffed. "As long as you don't start smoking."

"What?" Elliot feigned cluelessness.

"This boyfriend of yours. He smokes. I trust you not to start yourself."

"Uh, yeah…" Elliot grunted. This was okay. He could deal with this. And for the first time in forever, he felt remotely less hateful towards himself. Additionally, he felt strangely… comfortable taking about these kinds of things with his brother. "I'm always trying to get Leo to quit anyway…"

"Leo, huh?"

"What?"

"Nothing…" Ernest smiled, once again. And that smile made Elliot believe that perhaps this would be okay in the end. "You just… never told me his name, that's all."