I guess I haven't updated for a while, you know? But I'm finally in college now, where I can write and write and write without having to sneak around on my computer at home that I wasn't allowed to upload fanfictions on. Haven't read this in a long time, I think this might've been written a little under two years ago… crazy.

~Kachow~

Neil spent the week closely examining his feelings for Todd. What he surmised didn't please him: He was gayer for Todd Anderson than Knox was in love with Chris. There was no way around it, and he was frankly baffled as to how he didn't see it before. When Todd studied, Neil stared. He loved the vulnerable, thoughtful face with the cornflower blue eyes that could be so single-mindedly perceptive or so spastic with fear. He loved the almost invisible curve of the baby fat that Todd attempted to hide by crossing his arms often and wearing loose-fitting shirts. He loved the movements Todd's hand made as it flashed around taking notes or writing poetry. Todd was lefthanded-something he'd never cared to notice before.

But more than how appealing Todd was visually was his over-timid personality. Neil couldn't stand how beautiful Todd's fear of everyone was. How stupid he felt when he said anything. How firmly convinced he wasn't good enough. How he seemed to require protecting that he was all too ready to accept from an overenthusiastic Neil.

The poor newly created homosexual didn't know how to deal with this. Though he was willing to embrace others having this… problem, he sure wasn't ready to deal with it himself. He had never looed upon a fellow Christian male in that "special way", and would've had his eyes scooped out if he did by his father.

Ah, there we have it. His father. Neil wasn't too concerned about going to hell, was sure he could deal with the grief from his friends if they ever found out, and stoutly paid no heed to how he would feel if Todd could never be persuaded to feel anything back. His father, though… That was a different matter altogether. He wasn't sure he could bear the abhorrence the man would have of his son if he knew. So he vowed never to let his father get a whiff of his sexuality.

Speaking of sex, on this point Neil's confusion reached its peak. There were so many whispered tales of desperate boys trying not to go blind. What exactly did he want to do to Todd? What did he want Todd to do to him? Neil always tried to quell his little fantasies the moment he realized they were happening because he figured they were probably very unrealistic. The totality of his sex life included one encounter with his cousin Anne's slutty friend who gave him a blowjob last summer- He still counted himself an almost-virgin.

Todd, on the other hand, wasn't sure what to make of Neil's new interest in him. He was aware of Neil's constant need to stare at him, he just couldn't make out why. Obviously Neil was concerned for him, but why did he start looking so closely now? So Todd thought. And thought. And thought.

And thought.

On a chilly (although all the days at Welton were Chilly) Tuesday morning in study hall, it dawned on him. He looked up from his notes to find Neil's eyes on his own and laughed embarrassedly with an undercurrent of relief. /Neil thinks I'm gay!/

It made perfect sense. This started when Keating outted himself, and Neil must have taken his bashful, blushing support as signs of – er – homosexual tendencies. Neil was presumably trying to figure out whether or not Todd liked him, which explained a good deal of the furtive staring. And he was so protective because he was trying to show his bumbling roommate that he would accept him. The puzzle pieces fit so neatly together.

Neil's eyes had hastily turned to his own work after the brief eye contact. Todd recaptured his attention, saying too quietly for anyone but Neil's finely attuned ear, "I'm not gay."

Again they made eye contact, Todd smiling softly and Neil startled into a blush. Stupidly, he responded, "Yeah?" As if they were discussing the weather and Todd had said it would be cold tomorrow.

"Yeah. So you can stop staring at me and being all protective, I guess."

/There's no mistaking it,/ Neil thought in agony. /He knows!/ "I can't help it. I want to stop – trust me – but I don't think I can."

Todd stretched his smile wider to be more reassuring. "I know it's hard to get an idea out of your head once it's been ingrained in. But I could do without all the extra attention from you." He understood that protecting people was simply in Neil's nature.

Neil's dark eyes bore into Todd's causing his smile to lilt. "I told you, I can't help it!"

A hint of impatience crept into Todd's voice. "I don't get why you're so distressed about this. It's not that big of a deal."

/He knows, but he doesn't understand./ the voice in Neil's head moaned. "It's not?"

"No." He confessed, "A guy at my last school thought the same thing as you, and once we cleared it up, life was peachy keen."

"I'll try to stop staring and 'protecting', okay? That's all I can promise."

It was a start. Todd didn't quite get why Neil couldn't accept that he wasn't queer, but he believed that Neil could grow to see the truth in time. "We're good, then?"

"We're good."

Todd went bck to work with a newfound peace. Neil went back to work with a newfound misery. Todd didn't feel anything back and treated him as if he wasn't serious about it. All of the sudden, life seemed a lot colder at Welton.

~Kachow~

It gets better, I promise. It used to be a lot longer, but I went into vivid detail that was completely unnecessary for Neil's sexual confusion and frustration that made his love too mature for what I was looking for, so I ended up deleting most of it. Anyone have any pets?