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XV.

I Won't Be Your Sorrow

The argument with Barsad left a bitter taste in Lily's mouth. With a grunt, she turned over on her mattresses and lay with her back to the door he had just slammed closed and blinked back tears; hoping they'd abate. Knowing they would not. She cursed Barsad and her own stupid self for crying. So what if she was pathetic, so what if no one thought she was anything. Lily didn't care...

Except she did.

She cared a great deal. Ever since she had been a kid she'd hated the way she was perceived by everyone around her; the other kids, hatred for her weakness, pushing her over into the mud, the adults all treated her with a kind of puzzled kindness; it was almost like she had survived a dreadful illness and still needed to be treated delicately. There had only ever been one kid who didn't treat her like she was nothing and that had been John. More tears managed to squeeze themselves out of Lily's eyes as she remembered those days.

"Sorry about those guys. Here, let me help you up."

"Its fine, I'm used to it...but thanks."

Lily grumbled as she grasped the new kid's hand. She pushed her scraggily hair aside and squinted up at the newest kid, smiled her pretty smile and said,

"You're the new kid, right? Made friends quick..." She said motioning to the jeering boys behind the new kid.

"Yeah, uh..."

"Come on, John!"

"They're...uh; they're pretty stupid, huh? Look, I'll tell 'em to leave you alone, 'kay?"

"Gee, thanks a bunch. I'll be on my knees in the morning thanking God that you intervened."

The small girl snapped with a cheery smile that made John unsure if she was joking or not. Lily grinned and raised her eyebrows at his silence and nodded awkwardly,

"I meant 'thanks' by the way." She finally said and he chuckled nervously,

"Oh, right! Yeah...'kay, good. I'll tell the guys."

Lily smiled very warmly at John then and ducked her head;

"Thanks, new kid." She said whilst turning on her heel.

"It's John. John Blake."

"Right. Thanks, Blake."

Lily's heart was beating; thrashing around her chest like an angry finch. Her breath was ragged and she flinched timidly when she felt a hand on her wrist; she turned slightly and her eyes locked with John's dark ones.

"Hey, it's alright. You'll be fine, you're only turning fourteen."

Lily managed a smile and looked away but gripped his hand tightly, her palms sweaty. She wasn't 'just' turning fourteen; she was edging closer and closer to the limit. In another two years she'd be aged out and she'd have to leave the orphanage; then what would she do? She felt like crying, bawling her eyes out and screaming for rescue from this place; but she couldn't. She was trapped, trapped until she was thrown to the ravenous, slavering grey wolf that was Gotham.

"Lil," She heard her name and peeped round, John was frowning at her.

"You're shaking. Calm down, everything's gonna' be alright."

"How can you say that?!" She hissed in an undertone; they were before the mass and had to be quiet.

"What?" He said and Lily clicked her tongue,

"It's easy for you to say 'it's gonna' be alright' you've got a plan! I've got nothing-"

"I'll take care of you when you age out-"

"No, John..." Lily shook her head and looked away from him, "I don't want your charity."

"Lil, you're living on charity right now. We both do-"

"Yeah, and I hate it. What makes you think I want anything from you? You're not responsible for me, John."

"Seriously, Lil? You're gonna' be like that?" John scowled and Lily held her chin in the air,

"I'm not being like anything. I don't need you. I can take care of myself."

She didn't look round at him. She didn't need to; she could feel the pain of what she'd said radiate from him and moved away from him. Bowing her head, she ignored him and bit down on her own emotion as John whispered;

"Fine. Have it your way, Lil..."

Sighing, Lily didn't speak to John again for the rest of that day and he made no move to try and instigate any conversation; hurt as he was by Lily's manner towards him.

"Lily! What the hell are you doing?!"

John demanded upon seeing her scaling the big gates which fed into the orphanage's yard. She craned her neck round and stared down on him from her position up on top of the gate and grinned brightly;

"Escaping. What does it look like?"

"Lil, man; you gotta' get down from there and get back in here-"

"John," Lily began as she landed on the other side of the gate nimbly.

A light snowfall was cascading from the night sky; John's anxiety was blazing out of his face from over the other side of the gate. He came closer and Lily hushed him with a shake of her head;

"I don't wanna' stay here...Besides, you'll be aging out soon so you can come see me when you get out."

"They'll find you, Lil. They always find you...Your hiding places are crap."

"Not this time they won't," She vowed staunchly and her grin broadened; she could barely contain her smugness.

"They can all look for as long as they like; they won't find me where I'm goin'."

"And where's that?" John asked one dark eyebrow quirked.

"Can't tell you, John." Lily shrugged, "Sorry, but you'll squeal. You always do...and it's not fair that you should lie for me." She reasoned as she shifted her weight in the cold.

"Damn, Lil!" John growled, "You saw the news. There are crazy people running around Gotham these days. Literally! Come on, come back inside..."

"Sorry, John...I can't."

Lily said quietly; there was a pause as she reached a hand through the freshly-painted bars and cupped John's face. She smiled her mischievous smile and chirped;

"I'll see you later."

She said mournfully and turned to leave. John began to panic then; he could raise an alarm, but then he thought about Lily's unbridled rage and sense of betrayal if he were to rat her out and he gripped the bars and pleaded in a fretful tone;

"Hey, no, wait! Lil..." His hand was outstretched towards her as she looked round at him.

"Don't go, eh? Stay here...Stay here with me and when I age out and then when you age out we can get somewhere. We'll take care of each other, just don't..." His voice died in his throat and he looked away.

"Just don't go out there by yourself."

He looked up to see tears glistening on Lily's cheeks. She wiped them restlessly and shook her head again for the final time at him that night and breathed;

"Sorry, John...I have to go."

She sobbed as she turned her back on him and ploughed on into the darkness of the street. John could only look on as his best friend wandered head-first into the cold and dangerous with absolutely no way to call her back, he rested his forehead up against the bars of the gate and released a shuddering breath. Why'd she always do this?

Banging.

Lily's eyes opened a crack. A scowl played on her face; what on earth was that banging sound? She gasped as dust and rubble began to fall from the ceiling. Her head snapped up to stare at the light bulb which was swinging softly above her head; what was going on? She scuttled to her feet, throwing the blankets aside as she did and threw herself over to the table where the gun which Bane had left behind was still lying. She gripped the weapon and trained the nozzle on the door; a gasp left her as she heard more bangs. Then silence.

Silence, a heavy quiet fell and Lily held her breath. A yelp of fright escaped her when suddenly she heard another bang, much louder than its predecessors; it shook the place and sounded more violent than the ones that woke her moments ago. There was a pause as Lily's dark eyes were riveted on the ceiling; the bangs were getting louder and they didn't sound like just generic bangs anymore; they began to sound like footsteps.

Lily struggled for breath; "Oh, God..."

Lunging forward, she flicked the light switch down, panting in the darkness she hid down by the side of the door; so that when it swung open she'd have the advantage on whoever was breaking in. The noise that resounded seemingly just outside her door made Lily cross herself and pray that they'd simply pass her by; she was terrified. The sound of men clamouring and yelling made her squeeze her eyes closed and pretend like a child that it wasn't really happening as she clutched the gun close and rocked back and forth; trying to ignore the screams of anarchy outside.

Time began to slow; Lily's eyes adjusted to the dark, but she still could not see anything. She was awoken sharply by the betraying creek of the door as it slowly opened; a crack of hard light grew longer and longer as the door became more and more ajar. Lily's breath hitched and she raised the gun and waited for the perpetrator to come inside. She didn't really want to have to kill anybody, but if Bane or Barsad had given any of the men upstairs express orders not to enter Bane's former quarters then she thought they'd follow their orders to the letter. If they weren't and they were being disobedient, Lily didn't much care for the punishment Bane'd reign down on them; Bane wasn't here. It was just her, and she had to rely on herself now.

Suddenly the man who'd entered the room stepped inside and over the threshold and Lily got a look at him, well, his back at any rate. She didn't make a sound; she waited to hear if he'd call out to her. He didn't. His neck swivelled furtively as though she was looking for something...or someone, Lily thought and grimaced as she had to take her eye off of him to check and see how to cock the gun. It was an intense few seconds; since Lily was neither trained nor a knack with guns she was at a total loss and managed to cock the weapon only barely. The betraying click made her visitor spin on his heel and draw his own weapon; his eyes were cold as they measured up Lily.

"Oho," He scoffed in the bright light or the open door.

Lily's scowl deepened as she eyed him from the cold floor, up the barrel his gun.

"Well, well...He got you locked up pretty tight down here in the master bedroom, huh?"

Lily frowned, not following him as he spat coldly; "Filthy little slut."

He pointed his gun at her and stepped closer; without hesitation Lily yelled,

"Stay back! I mean it, I-I'll shoot!"

"You'll 'shoot'? Please...You couldn't hit water with that peashooter if you and it, fell outta' a boat!"

"Oh yeah?" Lily threatened and gripped the gun more tightly, "Try me."

"Oh, I will," The man promised as he moved towards her.

"Y'know, Jack and Clive were good friends of mine. Bane should have killed you instead of 'em when they brought him down the Commissioner."

With that, Lily shook her head and said,

"Listen, pal. That had nothing to do with me...Bane, he's-"

"Ah, don't give me your bullshit! Get up! Get up, you little skeez!"

"No!" Lily yelled back as he made a swipe for her. "No, get off me, no! Get back-!"

A bang erupted from her gun and she watched as the mercenary, worker, or vagrant – she wasn't sure – fell back with a mouthful of blood flowing down his chin. She screamed as warm blood splattered across her face and the pain from the recoil from the gun. She dropped the firearm and watched in the half-darkness; the man splutter and die. She shivered back into the corner; her eyes wide and bulging and watched as the pool of blood made its way over to her; a languid little river of crimson slowly running towards her.

Oh, God, what had she just done?