Chapter 5: The rift
"Ainda é cedo, Amor.
Mal começaste a conhecer a vida.
Já anuncias a hora de partida.
Sem saber mesmo o rumo que irás tomar."
He woke up listening to her gentle voice singing. His small body fit entirely in her lap.
"Mother, what do the lyrics say?"
"Do not worry about that, my child." Her voice was as soft as always. "Go back to sleep."
"Will I have good dreams, Mother?" The tiny being asked.
"Of course." She assured him. "Sleep in peace, knowing that I'm watching over you."
He did as she told.
His eyes were opened to a ripped dark sky and an upside down world.
He could listen to his sister's scream in the distance.
Above him, four beasts surrounded a massive ball of dark matter.
He could see his Mother in there, being absorbed. Her once shining armor was being pierced.
His broken wings did not allow him to do anything.
All he could do was to watch her being dragged into the darkness.
Devimon woke up shaking. He found himself in his workshop, inside Infinity Mountain. In front of him there was part of the huge structure he had built, made mostly of black gears and sheaves.
The digimon went outside and took a look at the snowy plateau at the feet of the mountain, surrounded by a valley. Those down below could not see him. But Devimon could make out the small human beings, paying special attention to the smallest one.
As he observed the boy with golden hair, he muttered a part of the song that haunted his nightmares.
"Ouça-me bem, Amor.
Preste atenção, o mundo é um moinho.
Vai triturar teus sonhos, tão mesquinho.
Vai reduzir as ilusões a pó."
Takeru was sitting by Mimi's side, close to a hot spring, in front of Infinity Mountain. Near to them, were Palmon and Patamon. Koushiro was asleep inside a cave in the mountain's wall, and Tentomon was watching over him. The children had found medicinal plants growing next to Infinity Mountain and used them on the digimon's wounds, without much result. There was also, shockingly, a refrigerator full of eggs behind them. Sora and Jyou, along with Piyomon and Gomamon, had gone to collect wood for a bonfire. The children had not talked much since their escape from the pocket dimension.
"Mimi-san…" Takeru decided to break the silence. "Why is everybody acting so weird?"
Mimi looked at him, not comprehending.
"It was a terrible day. We could have all died. Palmon…" The girl could not keep talking. Her mind went back to Palmon, Piyomon and Patamon trying to stop Andromon, who had untied himself. The small digimon no longer had the energy to evolve and were easily pushed away by Andromon. They kept trying to take the perfect level down fruitlessly, until they could no longer move.
"We'll get better in one or two days." Palmon assured her partner. "I'm familiar with those plants; they take a while to work properly."
"I'm sorry, Palmon." Mimi muttered, hugging her legs against her chest. "You took so much damage. I charged forward with Sora-san without considering what would happen to you."
"Mimi-san, what are you saying?" Takeru had an apprehensive tone. "Do you regret saving Koushiro-san's life?"
"No, it's not that!" Mimi hurried to explain. "I'm glad that we could save him and that we all survived but…"
"But what?" The boy questioned.
"We are only alive now because Andromon didn't want to kill us. And Koushiro-kun is alive and well now just because Homeostasis decided to leave his body." Mimi's voice was bitter. "I don't think our decision to help him made any difference at all. We could have died… and it would have been for nothing."
"Don't say that!" Takeru pleaded. "We all fought our hardest, we all-"
"The digimon fought their hardest!" Mimi corrected him. The resentment in her voice was shivering. What Takeru did not realize was that her resentment was directed at herself. "They just went along with what we decided… they got hurt and almost died and yet they couldn't do anything. If Palmon and the others had died it would've been our fault."
"It was our choice to fight too, Mimi!" Palmon scolded her partner, sounding offended."We might be partners and you might give me the power to evolve, but you are not the boss of me!"
"Yeah, we acted on our own free will and have no regrets about it!" Patamon added.
"Mimi-san, you sided against Jyou-san when he suggested we should ditch Koushiro-san. You called him a coward! Why are you going back on your words now?" Takeru felt confused and scared.
"Jyou-san offered himself to Homeostasis to try to make it free Koushiro-kun. He was not a coward!" Mimi stated, standing up. "I don't know if I could've done something like that."
"That's because he regretted what he did earlier and wanted to compensate it by doing the right thing!" Takeru stated his interpretation. In his eyes, what had happened was obvious. Because of that, Mimi's perplexed expression made him uneasy.
"Do you really not understand why he did that?" Mimi felt overwhelmed by a mixture of different emotions. "When Jyou-san offered himself to Homeostasis, that wasn't him showing regret. That was his plan B."
"Plan B?" Takeru did not understand.
"He feels responsible for us. He thinks it's his duty to protect us and tried to make what he believed to be the right decision… and I misunderstood him… I only understood his feelings when I saw him pleading for our lives in exchange of his own." Mimi's eyes got wetter as she talked. "I wanted to be reliable and to be there for all of you but all I did was act recklessly, like a kid. And that didn't help anyone! I criticized Jyou-san but I did no better than him!"
"We are all kids, Mimi-san!" Takeru stated angrily, which surprised the girl. "But that doesn't mean that we can't tell what is the right thing to do! And saving Koushiro-san was the right decision!"
Mimi heard the noise of a branch cracking and turned her head in its direction. All she saw was a figure running away, down the valley at their left. It did not take long for Mimi to realize what had happened. She panicked and ran in that direction too, telling Takeru to wait for her where he was.
When reached the nearby trees, the point where the plateau ended and the valley began, Mimi saw, at least ten meters below, Tentomon talking to someone she could not make out because the person was hidden behind a tree.
"Why did you come here, Mimi?" Palmon asked. The plant digimon had followed her partner.
"I think Koushiro-kun heard what I said." Mimi had fear in her voice. "What is he thinking now? He must find me horrid! He must think that I want him dead or something!"
"Why would he think that?"
"Because Takeru-kun was basically saying that I regret saving Koushiro-kun!" Mimi almost cried.
"Do you regret it?" Palmon asked in a very serious voice.
"No!" The girl replied. "I have doubts about the way we tried to save him. I'm glad Koushiro-kun is okay."
"Then explain that to him." Palmon suggested.
"What if he doesn't understand?"
"You explain to him again, slowly."
Mimi giggled. She felt like she had not laughed for years. The girl walked down to where Tentomon was and found Koushiro sitting behind a tree. He had a heartbroken expression that made her feel guilty.
"Mimi-han." Tentomon sounded colder than usual. Koushiro looked up, shocked and somehow scared.
"Did you hear what we were talking about?" Mimi asked in an ashamed voice.
"I apologize for that." Koushiro had a very sad tone. "It was wrong of me to spy on you."
"It's not wrong if you're the subject of the conversation." Mimi said, sitting by his side. Palmon pulled Tentomon by the arm, indicating that they should let the children talk alone. The insect digimon reluctantly agreed.
"I'm sorry for putting you in danger." Koushiro apologized. The boy closed his eyes fiercely, as if he was in pain. Mimi saw his hands shaking as he continued to speak. "I should have been more careful. I shouldn't have trusted Homeostasis."
"We were all deceived by that thing. Don't feel too bad about it." Mimi tried to make the boy feel better.
"I could have killed everybody."
"Don't say that!" Mimi could not stand to see her classmate in so much sorrow. "Even when you were possessed, the worst you did was trapping Jyou-san in some wires. He didn't even have a hard time escaping them! But this is not what I came here to say." Mimi scratched her head, a bit frustrated. "I want you to know that nobody regrets saving you. I know you heard me say those things but the point was not you. I was having second thoughts about the way we acted. It was reckless, we didn't come up with a plan, Palmon and the other digimon could have…"
Mimi stopped talking, covering her mouth as she remembered Palmon getting beaten up.
"Mimi-san, I never thought that any of you wanted me to die." Koushiro was surprised that the girl had considered that. "Even if you had run to save yourselves, I would have understood. I mean… I know that I'm not worthy of someone else's sacrifice."
Mimi felt enraged by that comment but held her feelings in. The last time she had let her emotions make the decision, the result had been grim.
"Do you find me immature, Koushiro-kun?" Mimi asked, fearing the answer.
"Immature?" Koushiro was puzzled. "Why would I think that of you?"
"I'm brash. I act without thinking and let my emotions take charge. I don't listen to other people as much as I should, I might be somewhat arrogant... I don't consider the consequences of my decisions."
"Are you comparing yourself to Jyou-san?" Koushiro inquired bluntly. "Is this because he wanted to leave me behind?"
"I don't believe he wanted to abandon you."
"Me neither. He tried to trade places with me, after all."
"He puts the needs of other people before what he wants to do." Mimi muttered to herself.
"Do you think that's what makes someone mature?"
"That's how it is, right?" Mimi inquired nervously.
Koushiro took a while to answer.
"I don't understand a lot about people. And I don't think my personality traits are very common. In spite of it, is it okay to give you an answer based solely on my personal experiences and opinions?"
Mimi noticed how the boy blushed after saying that and avoided eye contact. She thought he was excessively shy and insecure but found it endearing how he was willing to try to help her although it made him uncomfortable. The girl nodded.
"I think that I act based more on logic than on my feelings. And I always put other people before myself. But I don't think that makes me mature in any way."
Mimi was intrigued by that statement.
"To tell the truth, I wish I could let my emotions guide me more." Koushiro confessed. "I wish I could be more spontaneous and honest with other people, and not feel guilty for letting others down. The things that you listed as proof of immaturity are precisely characteristics I lack… and because of that they are traits that I admire."
"You think my flaws are admirable?" Mimi stared at the boy in disbelief. "Why would you say that?"
"Maybe traits are not inherently good or bad. Maybe there's a scale that you have to manage to balance your characteristics, in order to do more good than bad things. And I find it remarkable if you can achieve that while being true to yourself."
"I'm not sure if I understand. But I'll keep that in mind." Mimi had a little smile on her lips.
"Oh, and one more thing, Mimi-san." Koushiro seemed to have just remembered something. "I want to thank you for saving me."
"We couldn't do anything to help you." Mimi faced the ground, ashamed. "Our efforts were pointless."
"That's not true at all!" Koushiro disagreed vehemently. The conviction in his voice made Mimi look up to him. His gaze was intense, like she had never seen it before.
"Homeostasis was infected with my emotions." Koushiro explained. "I'm quite a negative person; I don't think anything good would have happened if you and the others had not come to help me. To see all of you fighting for my sake… to understand how much you all cared for me… it guided me to the surface. It made me want to fight… and I couldn't let your feelings and your efforts to be in vain. Because you made me feel that way, Homeostasis also felt that way and left my body. Even though I do feel guilty and ashamed for being the reason Tentomon and the others got hurt and you guys risked your lives, at the same time I'm glad you did it. Even if Andromon hadn't killed me, I'm sure that I wouldn't exist as myself if it weren't for what you did. So thank you for saving me. Thank you for being confident in your choice and for following your emotions, Mimi-san."
Koushiro got nervous when he saw tears falling from Mimi's eyes.
"Did I say something wrong? I'm sorry if I offended you somehow." He apologized, not understanding what he had done to cause that reaction.
"Thank you." Mimi replied.
"What?" The other was deeply confused. Mimi showed him her brightest smile.
"Thank you, Koushiro-kun." She repeated, wiping the tears with the back of her hand. "We'd better go back to where Takeru-kun is."
"O-okay." Koushiro agreed. He was still wondering what he had done to make Mimi cry. Two meters ahead, they found Tentomon and Palmon waiting for them. Tentomon pulled his partner's arm and made him walk faster than Mimi. When they were about 20 steps away from the girl and Palmon, the insect digimon muttered in a concerned voice:
"Did she say something bad to you?"
"Not at all, she was very nice. But she cried when I thanked her for some reason. And then she thanked me… and did not explain for what. I have no clue why she would do that." Koushiro narrated, showing his confusion.
"I wouldn't worry about that. I'm pretty sure she's not mad at you."
"I hope so." Koushiro said, giving his friend a subtle smile.
Walking with Palmon, Mimi sighed.
"What a waste."
"The conversation went bad?" Palmon was disappointed.
"No, it was great. I feel a lot more in peace with myself now." Mimi replied in a serene voice.
"Then what was the waste?"
"Koushiro-kun and I have been classmates for nearly two years and we pretty much only interacted by greeting each other. And it's the same for his relationship with all the other classmates." Mimi said, remembering how she almost always saw Koushiro by himself, unless he wanted to share some random scientific fact with whoever was close by.
"So what?" Palmon did not know where Mimi was heading.
"If Koushiro-kun were more confident in opening up," Mimi sighed, "a lot of people would gain an incredible friend."
Meanwhile, Sora and Jyou were collecting wood for the bonfire, along with Gomamon and Piyomon. Each of them was carrying a small pile of branches.
They had not talked much and the silence was making Jyou nervous.
"I did what I thought was right." Jyou said, facing Sora's back.
"I know." Sora replied without turning around. "I don't think anyone is mad at you, Jyou-sempai. After all, you did try to switch places with Koushiro-kun and then you suggested that we look for clues in the lab."
Jyou remembered vividly what had happened a few hours earlier. But what bothered him the most was not how the small digimon had no way to win and the only reason they had all survived was because Andromon had no interest in taking their lives. Nor was it how rapidly that desperate situation had been concluded: Takeru had run to the lab and told them that Andromon was not going to kill Koushiro anymore and that he was going to help the children to escape. And as soon as they had left the pocket dimension, the android told them that Homeostasis had left the boy's body and self-destroyed and then walked away, saying he had to go back to the sanctuary.
What really bothered Jyou was that ever since then, there was almost complete silence among the children.
They talked about urgent things like finding medicinal plants, picking up wood for a bonfire, getting eggs from the refrigerator (in normal circumstances, Jyou would have pointed out how unlikely and convenient it was to find a refrigerator in the middle of nowhere filled with food) but nothing that mattered. It was like everybody was too tired to feel anything. Or that nobody wanted to reflect on what had happened that day.
The silence was something Jyou hated. His father was silent whenever the boy could not meet his expectations. And that horrible void of sound was always filled with what Jyou believed to be other people's thoughts and feelings regarding him. He was the youngest person in the house and knew he should not bother or defy people in positions of authority. However, when he found himself in the position to take authority, everybody ignored and defied him. Unlike an adult, Jyou did not feel angry at that behavior. What he felt was shame and disappointment for being himself. He could not guide or protect anyone, even though he did what he believed an adult had to do. All his efforts proved to be pointless, as always. No doubt nobody had any respect or affection for Jyou.
"You are cruel, Sora-kun." Jyou whispered. That sentence made Sora turn around and stare the boy in shock.
"Jyou!" Gomamon was startled.
"What are you saying?" Piyomon got angry at the boy. Sora showed her palm to the bird digimon as if asking for her to be quiet. The girl pierced Jyou with intense eyes.
"Why did you call me that?" Sora inquired in a controlled tone of voice.
"Mimi-kun says everything that goes through her mind! She doesn't leave me wondering how she feels about me, but you…" Jyou's voice almost broke, "you are the most insincere person I know!"
"How dare you?" Sora questioned, pressing the wood against her body.
"You keep on calling me 'sempai' as if you actually looked up to me in any way!" Jyou accused. "And you talk to me as if you don't despise me when I know it can't be true! So, please, just let it out! Just straight up tell me how you're really feeling!"
"You're acting just like an adult." Sora replied, trembling in cold fury.
"Why? Because I tried to take charge? Because I tried to make the hard decision that I thought was going to save most of you?" Jyou raised his voice.
"Do you enjoy this, Jyou-sempai? Do you rejoice in ordering people around like you're the boss?" Sora did not shy away from the confrontation.
"I'm the 'boss' because I'm the oldest one in the group! It's not something I wanted or something I enjoy!" The boy was defensive.
"You think you're our leader because some adult nominated you based on your age alone!" Sora accused.
"That's how society is, Sora-kun! You are supposed to respect those who are older than you!" Jyou shouted.
"I would never respect someone who looks down at others because they're younger! Nor would I respect a person who thinks that someone's life is expendable!" Sora shouted as well.
Jyou felt deeply wounded by those words.
"I didn't want Koushiro-kun to die." He defended himself in a wavering voice. "I didn't want to abandon him, I just-"
"I know." Sora adopted a calmer tone.
"Don't be sarcastic!" Jyou thought she was making fun of him.
"I'm not being sarcastic!" Sora stated. "I know that you're not heartless! I know that you wanted to keep everybody safe but forced yourself to make the 'hard decision,' without listening to anyone else! And then, once again all by yourself, you decided that your life was expendable, just like Koushiro-kun's life was five minutes before!"
"I don't understand what you're saying." Jyou was perplexed. "At one moment you tell me that I look down on others and that I find their lives expendable, the next-"
"I wasn't talking about you." Sora cut him off. "I was talking about adults in general. I was talking about what you aspire to be, about the type of person you're forcing yourself to be! And you don't have to be like that!"
"What's your problem with adults?" Jyou inquired angrily. "Why do you have to be so rebellious and disrespectful to people you're supposed to honor? Do you talk to your parents like that?"
Sora trembled. Her eyebrows contracted and the girl bit her lower lip. She pressed her pile of branches against her body more fiercely and started walking up the valley, toward the plateau where they had left the others.
"It's getting dark and we have enough wood already. Let's go back." Sora said in a cold tone. Jyou wondered if he had hit a sensitive spot for the fifth grader and felt bad about it. Piyomon and Gomamon walked behind them.
"I had never seen Jyou talking to someone like that before." Gomamon commented in low voice. He was becoming more and more worried about his partner.
"I wish I could understand Sora better." Piyomon lamented.
Takeru had been left alone with Patamon and was staring at the steam coming out of the hot spring.
"I hate being small." The boy spoke with melancholy. "Everybody thinks I'm not capable of understanding things."
"I don't think Mimi had any intention of hurting your feelings," Patamon reassured him.
"It's not just her," Takeru affirmed. "Everybody does that. They think I can't handle anything. They think I'm a weak little kid who knows nothing about the world. It's like I'm invisible."
"I'll never do that to you, Takeru." Patamon promised, jumping on the boy's lap. "If what they do upsets you, why don't you tell the others about how you feel?"
"I've known those people for one day, Patamon." Takeru felt anguish fill his heart. "I'm not their friend. I'm a stranger they feel they need to take care of."
"That is absolutely right." A deep voice spoke. A tall figure was flying above them and landed between the two and the hot spring. He wore jet-black cloth that covered his body almost entirely and had huge bat wings, a pair of horns on his head and long fingers that resembled claws. His eyes were completely red and a strange crimson mark crossed his chest.
"Devimon!" Patamon said, horrified.
"Do you know him?" Takeru asked.
"He's the worst and most dangerous digimon on File Island!" Patamon had urgency in his voice, jumping in front of Takeru in a protective stance.
"TAKERU-KUN!" Sora yelled. She, Jyou, Gomamon and Piyomon had returned to the plateau and hurried to the younger boy's side.
"What is that thing?!" Mimi asked, as she joined the others along with Koushiro, Palmon and Tentomon.
"Do you intend to fight me in your state? Foolish!" Devimon spoke with contempt. "I don't have time for you lot now. If you want to face me, meet me at the Village of the Beginnings."
Devimon grabbed Takeru with his right hand and Patamon with his left one. Sora and Jyou immediately ran to try to free the boy but the diabolic digimon flapped his wings, causing a strong wind that sent them flying in opposite directions, along with their partners. The other children lost sight of the older ones as they fell into the valley.
"Why aren't you guys attacking him? Why don't you evolve?" Koushiro asked, desperate.
"I'm too weak now. I can't fly. I can't use electricity!" Tentomon spoke with hopelessness, trying to light a spark with no success.
"Poison ivy!" Palmon tried to attack. However, her ivy fell before reaching the enemy. Devimon set flight and the ground started to shake violently.
"Koushiro-kun!" Mimi, who had fallen next to Palmon, stretched her right hand so Koushiro, who had also fallen, could grab it. However, the rocky ground broke open and a stream of dark gears emerged from it, separating the children. Mimi could not see the other fourth grader behind the black curtain. The speed of the gears forced the snow back, creating small avalanches that carried the younger children out of the plateau and down the valley, in opposite directions.
Takeru and Patamon, trapped in Devimon's hands, watched in horror as the events unfolded.
"Let go of me!" The small child cried. "I need to help them! They're probably hurt!"
"You can help nobody." Devimon made a merciless affirmation. "It's time for you to learn what the world does to children."
In case you're curious, the song used in this chapter is called "O mundo é um moinho." It's a samba written by Cartola. Here is the translation:
From the beginning of the chapter:
It's still early, Love.
You've barely began to get to know life.
And you already announce the departure time.
Without even knowing which direction you will take.
The later part:
Hear me well, Love.
Pay attention, the world is a mill.
It will crush your dreams, so petty.
It will reduce the illusions to dust.