AN: Music for the chapter (on repeat): I Surrender by Celine Dion, Grace by Kate Havnevik, Dare You To Move by Switchfoot, Nothing Else Matters by Scala and Kolacny Brothers, Moonlight Sonata- remix by E.S. Posthumus.
FIFTY-SEVEN
o
"Sweetheart." Irina smiled warmly at seeing Sydney's face and reached her hand out to Sydney, grasping at her long fingers. "Are you okay?" Her eyes immediately started scanning her child's body, taking in the injuries.
"Yes, Mom. I'm okay. Nothing wrong, that can't be fixed in time." Sydney smiled softly at Irina with tears in her eyes, taking in her mother's form once more, taking stock of her injuries now brought to life that she was awake. Her bruises more pronounced and ugly as they settled in over the last few days leaving a horrendous map of Cuvee's brutality prominently displayed over her mother's body. "How are you feeling?" She took Irina's hand in both of hers, careful of her bandaged wrist. She knew that internally, like herself, her mother was a mess but keeping it locked tightly away in a compartment right now knowing this wasn't the time or place to let it go.
Looking into her daughter's eyes, Irina saw the familiar haunting that had plagued her own eyes for decades following her first trip to Kashmir and her heart shattered all over again at seeing the lasting affects that Sydney was studiously trying to ignore, and compartmentalize as she was doing.
"Sydney, I'm so sorry…" She cried softly, clinging desperately to her daughter's hand, her body trembling. "I'll never forgive myself for bringing you into that mess."
"Mom," Sydney interrupted immediately, her voice catching in her throat overcome with emotion as the tears fell, "You have nothing to feel guilty about. None of this was your fault. You had no control over what happened and you did everything in your power to try and protect Lena and I. I can't tell you how much that means to me; how much I love you. How proud I am to be your daughter, Mom." Sydney cried, sniffling as her nose began to run looking into her mother's eyes, remembering looking into those eyes so many times over the last few days when they fought together to stay alive. Looking into those eyes while her mother endured the physical torture she was saving her from. "You're an amazing mother. I just wish you could see that. See what we see." Sydney gave her a small smile through her tears and Irina's heart continued to fall to pieces with a mix of emotions. "You saved us, Mom. All of us. You made the choice that saved Lena's life and then you saved my life, multiple times… pushing yourself physically beyond your limits again and again to ensure my safety. And look at me, Mom," She paused, gesturing towards her body, which was remarkably intact and fairly unscathed for what they'd been through.
The ugly bruises and cuts, her concussion and her mangled foot were the most severe of her injuries, which could have been much worse if Irina hadn't have held back on her screams as long as she did and then eventually passing out, ending the game.
"You got me out of there pretty much unscathed. You took all the physical torture for me, to keep me safe by keeping his attention on you," Sydney sobbed, trying to control herself the best she could and get through this. "I hated that you were doing that. That you wouldn't scream and let me take some of the torture from you-"
"Sydney," Irina gasped, not knowing if she could hear anymore without losing her tightly controlled emotions.
"I know why you were doing it. Because you love me and I bore witness to just how much over this last week. What you endured for me." Sydney forged on quietly, seeing her mother crying silently as well. "I love you more and more than I ever thought possible and after going through this with you, I feel closer to you than ever." Her blurry brown eyes sought out her mother's. "You're my mother, my protector…my best friend. You have nothing to be sorry for, Mom. You have to stop punishing yourself for the past and for things that were out of your control." Sydney knew that her mother was continually punishing herself for what had happened in the past, refusing to forgive herself and the things that were out of her control.
"I love you, Sydney. More than life itself and I would have gladly died if it meant I was protecting you from the same fate." Irina reached her hand up and cupped Sydney's face, speaking her truth from the heart. She had been prepared to die for her daughter.
"I know you would have. I saw it…when they drug me out of the torture room and you smiled at me. You knew he was going to kill you…slowly," Sydney choked out, trembling with the memory, "You knew that was going to buy me more time…and you just accepted it…accepted dying slowly by his torture…for me."
"Sweetheart-" Irina wiped at Sydney's tears with her thumb, seeing the guilt in her daughter's eyes over it.
"No, Mom, I just…I see now and I wanted you to know…that I will never…ever again…question your love for me," She turned into her mother's palm and Irina inhaled a shaky breath, trembling on her own from hearing Sydney. "Your love for me…is the most powerful thing I've ever felt in my life and I love you, forever and always, no matter what. I don't want you to be in constant fear that you will lose my love for you if something bad happens. I know you always have my best interests at heart," She curled her fingers around Irina's against her cheek, "You have my love, my respect…my admiration, Mom…forever and always."
"Oh Sweetheart…" Irina gasped and pulled Sydney towards her, hugging her the best she could with one arm and in their current position, crying happy tears into her daughter's hair. "I love you, I love you…I love you…forever and always Sydney Anne, forever and always." She kissed her again and again, holding her daughters tightly to her chest. They held each other for as long as they could before breaking apart and Sydney left so that Katya and then everyone else could come in and see Irina, talk to her.
It was after everyone had visited with her, and had left for lunch that Jack finally got a chance to come back in and sit with them. He pulled the other rocking chair up opposite of Irina's placing them side by side as close as possible.
Lena had started stirring against Irina's chest and making small noises as she came out of her induced coma and her parents waited anxiously to see her open her beautiful eyes. She whimpered slightly and then her face contorted before the actual cry could be heard and Irina's face flooded with tears immediately cradling her baby and whispering into her ear, letting her know, "Mama was here and she was safe now."
Lena's crying subsided once she realized whose arms she was in and slowly her eyes crept open trying to clear away the fog as she nuzzled her face into Irina's skin and then started fussing again when she rubbed her feeding tube in her nostril and grew angry at its friction in her tiny nose.
The nurse came over immediately and tried to help them.
"Can't you just take it out?" Jack asked feeling helpless in this situation, seeing the baby's distress and subsequently, Irina's.
"Not until we know she is eating on her own, and getting enough calories." The nurse gave them both sympathetic looks as Lena grew more frustrated and Irina started trembling remembering these frustrated cries of her baby when she was chained to the wall and unable to reach her.
Jack saw the flash of terror running through Irina's eyes and realized what Lena's cries were doing to her.
"Well, can Irina try nursing her then?" He stood pushing back his chair and kneeling in front of his wife, holding onto her arm protectively.
"Yes, I guess so. It won't hurt to try. We just have to be very delicate in moving her into a comfortable position because of her broken clavicle." The nurse moved to grab a nursing pillow, and a regular pillow and returned quickly. She carefully removed the crying baby from Irina while Jack helped her to slip her nightgown down and placed the pillows exactly where the nurse instructed him to put them.
Then gently, she placed Lena in the crook of Irina's arm, supported by the two pillows, creating a soft base. The arm that was strapped down to her side, was against the pillow, and her little cast covered arm, fell against Irina's chest, her tiny fingers poking out of the plaster material to caress her mother's skin the best she could in the manner she always had. Her little face nuzzled in and found exactly what she was looking for, comfort, in her mother's arms. Her cries subsided immediately.
"Exactly what she wanted." The nurse smiled happily, watching Jack wipe the tear tracks of Irina's cheeks with a smile of his own. She almost gasped out loud when she saw the dark ugly bruises covering the Empress' chest, many in the shape of hand prints and her heart broke all over again for her and for them, only imagining the sheer torment and terror she must have endured.
Thankfully, Jack and Irina were too busy looking at their baby to see her reaction.
Irina looked down at her beautiful baby in her arms and cried her tears of mixed emotions while a smile gradually lit her face, breaking into a full smile when Lena's big brown eyes looked up and caught her mother's, holding them fast.
"Hello, my beautiful girl." Irina whispered to her in Russian, caressing her cheek softly as she always had before they were separated. "Mama's here and I promise, I'm going to do everything in my power…to never let anything like that happen to you again as long as I'm still breathing. I'm so sorry, baby. I hope you can forgive me. I'm so sorry."
Jack's heart was breaking for Irina, watching her beating herself up over something she had no control over once again but understanding there was no way to reason with a parent's guilt over things out of their control, he'd felt it, too.
Lena remained watching her mother intently and then paused in her nursing, turning her head slightly to see Irina with both eyes, focusing intently on her mother's face and then gave her a small and brief smile before nuzzling her face back against Irina's soft bruised flesh, and closing her eyes.
"If forgiveness is what you were seeking, I think she most definitely just forgave you." Jack smiled up at Irina in awe of their daughter and the impossible wisdom and intuition she possessed at only four months old. "All she wants or cares about is her Mama and that she's back where she feels the most safe, in your arms. You're exactly what she needs."
Irina looked from Lena up to meet Jack's eyes and blinked back another round of tears, having spent almost the entire morning in tears, mostly happy ones after speaking to everyone.
"How are you feeling? Are you okay? This isn't hurting you is it?" Jack asked lightly, suddenly concerned looking from her massively covered bruised chest to the baby nursing.
"Never better, she's exactly what I needed." She smiled, honestly not feeling any of the pain she was sure was there; she was so happy to have her baby in her arms, alive and nursing contently she was oblivious to anything else with the adrenaline surge. "I just want to take her home, Jack…and start our life without ever having to think about the Sloanes or Cuvees of the world again. It's really over." She narrowed her eyebrows in wonder as it really hit her, looking from him back down to Lena, brushing her fingers lightly over the baby's ear and soft hair.
*I Surrender*
"Yes, Irina, that part of our lives is finally over. But the rest is just beginning as you said." He smiled softly at her, tilting her chin to meet his eyes, knowing that there would be demons still needing to be dealt with before they truly laid the past to rest but they would take it one day at a time. "And I can't wait to spend every…single…day…for the rest of my life, waking up and falling asleep beside you. Watching our children and actually participating in their lives without running interference from the shadows." His smile and small crack earned him the desired response from Irina, who smiled and shook her head softly chuckling.
"I feel the same way. I've never been more excited about today and tomorrow and the day after and the day after that…I've learned too many times in my life, how precious every single day, every single moment is with someone you love because tomorrow isn't guaranteed." She ran her fingers lightly over his cheek and through his hair. "The only reason I got out of bed every morning for the last twenty years, was Sydney. I had to make sure she was safe and then I had to take care of the Russian people."
"You've been living your life for everyone else." Jack verbalized what she was really saying, understanding what she meant and Irina nodded softly.
"And Sydney is safe now from the threat of Rambaldi, and I'm still taking care of my people but for the first time in my life, I want to get out of bed in the morning for me." She swallowed hard, feeling an uneasy sense of guilt wash over her by admitting that. Feeling like she should be ashamed for wanting happiness for herself for once. "I want to start living my life for me. I've never really done that. I'm excited and even a little scared by that prospect, but I can't help it. Having a life with you…and our children, a life not shrouded in KGB lies or CIA missions, just us. You and me, Jack and Irina. What I've always wanted." Her eyes so dark with emotion they were almost black and consuming. Slowly and speaking so softly it was almost a whisper she repeated the words that had plagued her mind for years when thinking about this very thing.
"Cuz I'll surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We'd make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I'll make you give them all to me
I'll hold you in my arms and never let go…"
"When I wrote those words, Jack…this is what I was thinking about." She gestured with her hand at the space between them with tears streaming down her face, "Us…a life where we are in control of our own destiny, our own happiness. And we've made it through, Jack. And there are a thousand dreams I still believe in."
"And I'll give them all to you, Irina." Jack whispered his response remembering the lines of that poem the night he first read it and honestly wanting to give her everything she ever wanted; even if she wanted the moon he'd find a way to get it for her looking at her in this moment. Really, fully understanding for the first time, what those lines had really meant to her. "And I'll hold you in my arms and never let go."
She smiled, as more tears spilt from her eyes and Jack found her lips in another sweet kiss that sealed their promises.
They spent another six days in the hospital before being released. Not Irina or Sydney ever brought up Kashmir and what happened and everyone else took their cues and didn't bring it up either. Letting them decide when they were ready to talk about, and clearly they were already overwhelmed from everything, they both needed time.
Irina was too concerned for Lena and Sydney's health to worry about dealing with the internal demons she knew were locked tightly away in their little compartments, clawing at the surface, trying to come out but she held fast and kept them at bay.
They all had to return to Los Angeles to take care of unfinished business with the CIA. Mikhail and Bella returned to Paris and Katya and Sophia had to return to Italy after the brief press conference just before Irina and the girls were released.
Irina appeared before a small panel of selected journalists from around the world at the hospitals conference room and showed the people that she was indeed, 'ok' and gave a very brief and completely detail-free account of what happened, who kidnapped them, and their current health status. Jack, Sydney, who was now on crutches, and Lena with her little cast and restricted arm and chest band, appeared along side of Irina.
They thanked everyone for their prayers and concern for her safety and wellbeing at that of her entire family and everyone on the hospital staff who did an amazing job with their care, and last but not least, she thanked the FSB, SVR, Russian police, President Putin, President Bush, the CIA and Indian government for their parts in rescuing she and her daughters.
She told them that she would be taking sometime to recover at home and take care of her baby and asked that Press continue to respect their privacy during such time and that they would be more than willing and ready to give any interviews and pictures in a few weeks when the Coronation and Jubilee celebrations approached.
Everyone seemed to understand her need for a little R&R after what they'd been through and seemed content enough with what she gave to them. Her enchanting voice hypnotizing them all into submission letting them all leave with smiles on their faces and excited optimism about May.
When it was over, they boarded the plane and headed back to Los Angeles.
When they landed in Los Angeles it was already too late to go into the office. Vaughn had taken Sydney home with him and Weiss and the rest of the Bristow family made their way home as well.
Upon arrival, they found the house full of flowers, plants and get well cards from neighbors and strangers alike sending their thoughts and prayers.
Jack ordered take-out knowing they were all too exhausted to cook anything for dinner and ate their meal in an uncomfortable silence.
Since leaving Russia, Irina had hardy spoken unless spoken to. She answered any questions directed towards her with a minimal amount of words and always offered a small, forced smile trying to ward off any concern or suspicion.
*Grace*
Everyone could see she was struggling to keep her emotions contained, as was Sydney and the two distanced from each other on the plane. It was as if both were scared they would bring out their demons by looking at each other too closely.
Irina focused on taking care of Lena and doing so was nearly breaking her. She could avoid looking at the damage done to her own body and therefore thinking about what happened but that was not the case with her children. Seeing the constant reminders on their bodies, in their eyes and in their actions she couldn't avoid it this time; bury inside her self, as it was their pain, too.
Sydney still had tremors that occasionally ran through her body and would jump at the slightest noise or touch and Lena would cry if anyone but Irina held her while she was awake.
Irina, for the most part, kept her physical reactions contained having years of practice. It was only when she was alone that the tremors would break through and the tears. Her mind now vividly recounting what happened to them.
It wasn't the physical abuse done to her by Cuvee that was the most painful, the most horrifying to her, she'd been through it so many times before; it was having her daughter witness it and witnessing their torture because Cuvee had wanted to punish her.
The way she had taken revenge on the man, so far out of her normal realm now, terrified her to know she was still capable of such things.
Julian and Jack shared brief but knowing glances as Irina solemnly cleared the table acting on autopilot and rinsed the dishes before loading the dishwasher. She had only been able to eat thin soups and broths as the stitches in her mouth in her cheek and tongue made it too painful to eat anything else and Jack was concerned with her dropping even more weight when he saw her idly playing with the soup instead of eating it at dinner.
Ever since she had awaken for the coma, she'd pretending that everything was back to normal, wanting to believe that by pretending, it would eventually be normal again.
Irina wanted to forget it ever happened, knowing it was impossible and still hoping for it all the same. She had everything she wanted now. Cuvee and Sloane were gone, her children were safe and she had her family's love.
'Why can't I just let it go?' She continually berated herself for her straying thoughts. 'You've lived through it before, you can do it again…just let it go.' The man was dead and he still had control over her life.
Jack wanted desperately to talk to her about what had happened but was conflicted about what to do. He knew she needed the space and he didn't want to push her into anything she wasn't ready for but at the same time, he felt like he was watching a car accident in slow motion. He'd seen it after she first saw the tapes, and then again in Cairo after she had to abort the Prophecy Child and divulged her secret about losing their son Jack.
Vaughn was having the same thoughts across town watching Sydney in her silence, as they got ready for bed. She too, had been pretending that everything was fine but after they'd left the hospital, her short reprieve during that time, was clearly over with.
Making sure her mother and sister were healing while in the hospital along with the wonderful distractions of her aunt and cousin and Vaughn's parents had kept her thoughts occupied, now they were gone and she was going home to a life that would never be the same. She…would never be the same.
When they lay down in the darkness, Sydney closed her eyes as Vaughn's arms wrapped around her from behind, gently kissing her bare shoulder offering his silent support and the tears flooded her eyes. He knew she was still suffering her internal hell and tried to help her the only way he knew how to at the moment, just held her in the darkness and listened to her sniffling and feel her body shaking against his as she cried herself to sleep.
Irina had kissed Julian's cheek, 'Goodnight' and then smiled softly at Jack before disappearing upstairs with Lena and a pair of scissors.
She lay her beautiful baby on her changing table and pulled out a new Onzie and pair of button down, mint green, pink and white, moon and stars pajamas. Sadly, and with tears in her eyes, Irina cut the arm sleeve off of both items so that she could put the baby's clothes on over her little cast. Lena's arm would need to be in a cast for another month.
Her collarbone was healing quickly and she was allowed to move it gently but once Irina had changed Lena's clothes, the elastic restraint had to be replaced over her arm and chest. She was a happy and content baby just watching her mother and Irina knew it wouldn't be long before she started to cry.
Her intuition was correct, and Lena was not happy at all at being so restricted in her movements, not able to move her arms at all.
"Shhhh, baby girl." Irina picked her up gently, whispering softly into her ear trying to calm her down as she sat in the rocking chair. Her cries finally subsided as Irina began to nurse her; Lena's little eyes fluttering closed as her mother rocked her fragile body to sleep.
Irina batted her tears looking down at her baby lit with a soft warm glow from the tiny lamp on the nightstand. She continued to rock her long after Lena had finished eating and fell asleep, not wanting to put her down, she kept humming into the baby's ear, 'The Russian Lullaby.'
Jack stood timidly outside the nursery's closed door; hand on the knob taking a deep breath wondering if he shouldn't interrupt. He heard Irina humming the lullaby and listened quietly to her for the last 20 minutes outside in the hallway but her humming had stopped over 5 minutes ago, and Jack knew Lena must be sleeping by now, yet Irina didn't come out.
Finally deciding to enter, he tapped softly on the door before entering. His heart beat rapidly and he swallowed heard with a heavy heart seeing Irina sitting in front of the window, rocking their baby who was asleep on her mother's chest. Her little arm in a cast sticking through the hole in her new pajamas, her other arm bound tightly to her body.
The moonlight illuminated the tear tracks that had stricken Irina's bruised and battered face as she continued to rock. She looked so lost, Jack thought. He smiled at her softly and maintained his distance, giving her space.
"Hi, I was just wondering if you're coming to bed soon?" He asked in a whisper, with a hopeful smile. He couldn't wait to hold her in his arms for the first night in weeks in their own bed.
Irina looked at her husband, standing in his pajama pants in the doorway looking at her with so much love it hurt. She knew he was trying to give her space and she was thankful for that…but at the same time, she wanted nothing more then for him to sweep her into his arms and make everything ok again even if she knew that was next to impossible right now. For as much as he loved her, as much as he understood…he didn't.
"I'll be there in just a minute." She answered him softly, giving him a soft smile of her own as she ran her fingers over Lena's head.
"Ok." Jack answered moving and then pausing as he hesitated his next move. He stopped thinking and just acted and moved quickly and quietly towards them, dropping a quick kiss to Lena's little head that was nestled into the crook of Irina's neck and then one to Irina's cheek with a small smile before leaving.
Irina smiled sadly as she watched the door close behind him and stood to place Lena in her crib. She looked so small in the little bed and Irina moved her tiny arm in the heavy cast into a position that would be comfortable for the night until she woke to eat again. She leaned over and kissed her baby softly on the cheek, nuzzling her nose against Lena's turned head as more tears came and she whispered 'Goodnight' and 'I love you' in Russian to her. She turned on the monitor and quietly left the room.
She went straight for the shower and when she emerged Jack was already in bed, sitting against the headboard 'pretending' to read the book in his hands. His mind had been running rampant with thoughts of Irina and how to help her this time. She didn't look at him when she exited in the soft towel, her long wet hair cascading in waves down her back when she dropped it standing nude in front of her armoire to retrieve her nightgown.
*Dare You To Move*
Jack swallowed hard once again catching a full glimpse of the destructiveness Cuvee left behind in the angry welts, cuts, burns, bruises and stitched wounds covering her body. He was broken out of his reverie when he heard her small gasp of pain as she tried to maneuver the material over her head too quickly and it irritated her broken ribs.
He jumped off the bed immediately, "Let me help you." He stood before her, grabbing hold of the offending fabric that was still laced around her neck and shoulders.
"Jack, I…" She was about to protest, telling him she didn't need his help, that she could 'do it by herself' but at this point was too tired to argue.
"Can do it by yourself, I know." Jack finished for her and smiled, helping to guide the satin nightgown over her body.
Irina cracked a smile at him and he pulled her gently into his arms, wrapping them securely around her shoulders as her head buried into his shoulder. His cheek resting against the wet hair on her head as they stood holding each other in silence for a few moments.
"Sit down on the bed, I'll get your comb." He spoke softly, remembering that Katya had been the one helping Irina with her hair while she was in the hospital. He kissed her head and released her, fetching her comb from the bathroom; he returned to find her sitting stoically on the end of the bed, her eyes looking at some spot on the floor.
She was screaming inside and wanted nothing more then to let it out but couldn't. Years and years of experience in holding it in, keeping it to her self, kept her from letting it go. She was shaken from her thoughts when she felt the comb slide gently through her hair from behind. Jack was being so good to her it almost made it worse.
"Your hair has gotten so long." He commented softly, raking his hang over her wet tendrils with a soft smile, "It's the longest I've ever seen it…Sydney's too. She's growing it out, to be like you, I think." His heart smiled at how his daughter, even at twenty-seven years old, still wanted to be like her 'Mommy.' "I've always loved your long hair."
"I know." Irina smiled softly, thinking about the countless times Jack had played with her Chestnut waves. "It's why I never cut it all off."
Everyone had always admired her hair, even she loved her hair…but she especially loved, that Jack loved her hair.
When Jack finished, she swept her hair off to the side and his eyes darted first to the exposed wrists without bandages showing the multitude of blue stitches around them and then to the burn on her neck from Cuvee's cigarette, both needed to be re-bandaged after her shower.
Before she could move from the spot on the bed to retrieve the items, Jack grabbed them from the nightstand and set to work. He glazed the burn with ointment and then gently covered it with a gauze pad, kissing it tenderly when he was finished and the gesture brought tears to Irina's eyes.
He was trying to kiss her new wounds, as he had with the old ones, and take the hurt away.
With that done, he jumped off the bed and knelt in front of her, gently taking one wrist into his hands as his eyes looked up into her big brown eyes filled with too much sadness hidden in their depths. Softly, he wrapped each wrist in fresh white gauze, kissing each of them as he had done to her neck burn. Gently, he tugged on her arm, pulling her up off the bed and made her stand before him.
With his eyes locked to hers, he moved around behind her, sitting on the bed him self. Irina knew exactly what he was going to do and hung her head as she let him, she knew she had to let him 'help' some how if they were going to survive this together. Her tears ran down her face unchecked as she felt him sliding the gown up her body, and placing the bunched fabric into her fists at her sides.
Jack felt his own tears welling but viciously blinked them back, not wanting Irina to see him get this upset looking at her wounds or she wouldn't let him 'take care of her,' knowing it that upsetting to him.
The backs of her thighs were still covered in angry green, black and purple bruises as well as her hips that bore the unmistakable prints of Cuvee's hands in her flesh. Jack calmed his breathing as he covered the stitches where Cuvee had dug out the letters meaning 're-educated' from her Gulag tattoo.
He kissed the gauze square covering it and then moved onto the burn the Monster had made with his cigar on the top curve of her of her bum . Each cheek would now bare a round circular scar, one from her childhood and an accident with a fire poker and the other from this last trip to Kashmir, an intentional marking of a madman and his believed 'conquering.' Jack covered the burn in the same ointment and placed the bandage over it as well, then gently, pressed his lips to it and let the material fall over her body again.
"Thank you." Irina choked out barely above a whisper, holding back her tears. Jack didn't say anything in response only took hold of her fingers and turned her to face him as he stood before her. His eyes sought out hers as he gently brushed away her tears with his thumbs and a soft smile. He dipped his head and softly kissed her lips.
"I love you." He looked into her eyes, smiling softly, not expecting any response in return, just wanting her to know that he was there, he loved her. "Let's go to bed."
He pulled down the comforter and sheets and she carefully slipped in as he turned out the light. Mindful of her broken ribs, and the fact she had to sleep on her back, Jack snuggled into her as close as possible, lying on his side and nestling his face into her neck over her shoulder; his nose getting tickled by her hair. He fell asleep before she did and Irina lay there listening to his breathing beside her as more tears came in the darkness thinking about what had happened in the past and present as she lay in their bed.
'He came for me.' She repeated in her mind, taking note of where she was, who was beside her thinking back to a time twenty years ago when she was in prison thinking he would never come for her, she would never see him again or sleep beside him in this room.
This time, he came for her. This was what she had prayed for every night after her Extraction to be in 'this moment' with him that she was now. Irina turned her face to look at Jack's, softly outlined with the moonlight and she smiled softly as fresh tears washed over her, letting go of a twenty year old 'hurt.'
*Nothing Else Matters*
Irina fell asleep soon after and awoke with a start from a nightmare flashback of Cuvee breaking Lena's bones as she screamed in pain and Sydney begged for Cuvee to take her instead. Her breathing was rapid and she quickly turned to Jack, hoping she didn't wake him and thankful when she saw he was still deep in sleep. She knew she couldn't sleep, not with what was waiting to haunt her in her dreams and cautiously slipped out of bed, needing to see her baby.
She crept into the nursery across the hall and looked over the railing at her sleeping angel as the tears came.
Jack felt the loss in his sleep and woke minutes after, panic immediately hitting his heart in the darkness and feeling the empty space beside him until he heard her muffled cries coming across the baby monitor. His heart broke instantly as he heard the continuous stream of soft apologies from his wife to their baby for the injuries and torture Cuvee inflicted and she blamed herself for.
He wanted to jump out of bed, go to her immediately and hold her in his arms, telling her it wasn't her fault but was also afraid that if he did, Irina would immediately clam up and hide her emotions that she so clearly needed to get out. He remembered the first night he had woken up without Irina by his side when they'd first brought her home after her Execution. Katya had held him back that night on the steps from approaching Irina, allowing her space to work through it and knew he needed to do the same now though it killed him. He lay there in the dark, tears streaming down his own cheeks and listening to her…he couldn't go back to sleep and didn't want to feel like he was spying on her so he rolled over and out of bed.
Jack stumbled softly down the hall and steps and made his way into the kitchen to make a pot of tea. When the soothing tea was ready he poured himself a cup and crept outside, taking up residence on the porch swing, listening to the sounds of the night and looking out into the darkness.
Irina's new Security Detail blended into the cover of night and were barely visible, and he couldn't stop the feeling of sadness that washed over him looking at the new guard, Andrei, who had taken the fallen Yuriy's place.
He had no idea how long he'd been out there when Sydney's Audi, driven by Vaughn, pulled up into the drive and she jumped out, sobbing and wearing her pajamas. She hurried up the walkway the best she could on crutches not waiting for Vaughn and up the porch steps jumping when she saw Jack getting up off the swing.
"Sydney, are you ok? What's wrong, Sweetheart?" He approached her cautiously knowing he scared her by the look on her tear stained face.
"I need Mom, Dad…I can't…they won't…the nightmares…I couldn't…I just…need Mom." She cried hiccupping in her broken sobs as Jack engulfed her into his arms, his heart shattering all over again with the knowledge that his daughter was just as plagued as her mother by the fallout.
"Shhh, Sydney, its okay," Jack tried to calm her sobs as they stood on the porch, holding onto each other as Vaughn stood on the walkway, bare-chested and in his own pajama pants and unshed tears at a loss at how to help. They had left in such a hurry the younger man wasn't even wearing shoes. Just pajama pants and bare feet.
Sydney had been determined to see her mother and knowing she was in no condition to drive, Vaughn told her he would take her, hoping Irina would be able to calm her down…help her get through this in a way he couldn't.
Jack nodded in understanding over Sydney's shoulder at Vaughn, and it was then, that Vaughn had thought about finding Jack awake on the porch swing at this ungodly hour and 'why.' Irina must be going through the same thing.
Irina hadn't heard Sydney pull up and knowing she wasn't going to sleep anymore that night, decided she didn't want to wake Jack and made her way downstairs, grabbing a blanket off the sofa, intending to spend the remaining hours of darkness on the swing.
It was to her surprise when she opened the door and found Jack and Sydney, holding each other, her daughter sobbing into her father's chest as her fiancé stood on the porch steps in his own pajama bottoms with disheveled hair.
Jack's eyes quickly found Irina's and saw her rapid concern at the same time Sydney pulled away from him and flew into Irina's arms.
"Mom!" Sydney said in a quiet strangled voice as she spoke into her mother's neck, Irina looking over her shoulder, her eyes questioning Jack at what had happened.
"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Irina ran her hand over Sydney's smooth hair, holding her tightly, in spite of the pain it caused her.
"I can't sleep…the flashes…the nightmares…I had to see you…I'm sorry, I just had to see you!" Sydney cried burying her face further into Irina's neck and hair, holding on tightly as more flashes of their torture flitted through her mind.
"Oh Sweetheart." Irina's eyes flooded with tears, her own heart sinking. Sydney was suffering the same sleeplessness, haunted as she was. "It's ok…its ok." She tried to soothe her and kissed her head looking sadly at Jack, knowing he felt powerless to help. She gave him a knowing look and he nodded, motioning Vaughn inside and granting her request he walked softly over to them and kissed the side of Sydney's head as she clung to Irina. His lips dropped softly to Irina's head as well before he went inside giving them their privacy.
Vaughn looked helplessly at them as he went by offering a small nervous sad smile to Irina as he crept by.
"You can take Sydney's bed upstairs, I'll take the sofa." Jack spoke softly and Vaughn nodded, trudging his way upstairs and headed straight for Sydney's old room, flopping down on the small twin bed, knowing his fiancée and her mother well enough now to know, if they did manage to go to sleep, it would be together, snuggled in each other's arms after going through what they had, getting through it together.
Vaughn rolled over and looked at the framed photos of the two on Sydney's nightstand. 'Irina would help Sydney in ways he couldn't and in turn, Sydney would help Irina in a way Jack couldn't.' He knew looking at the smiling faces in the photograph. 'This was something they would go through and survive together…together.' He repeated his thoughts as he traced their faces in the soft light of moon.
Jack had found a spare pillow in the closet and stretched out on his stomach on the sofa, looking at the framed photo of a gorgeous Irina and Sydney from the wedding on end table. 'Irina wouldn't go through this personal hell alone, this time…she had Sydney, and Sydney had her mother.' He resounded what Vaughn had been thinking up the stairs. They could do this, they would do this…and in time, it would only make them stronger.
Irina had guided she and Sydney over to the porch swing and wrapped them both in the blanket she'd brought out.
*Moonlight Sonata-remix*
"Mom, its just, now that we're home…I can't stop the images from flooding my mind. I'm trying so hard not to…but they're there…always there!" Sydney still hiccupped though her cries were subsiding as Irina continually stroked her hair over her daughter's ear in a loving gesture, snuggled into her side.
"Sweetheart, it's understandable that you would have nightmares about being tortured." Irina spoke softly, her lips brushing against Sydney's forehead as she turned her face into her own slightly.
"No, Mom…you don't understand. I've been tortured before. That's not what is giving me nightmares now. Not what is haunting me day and night." Sydney started to cry again softly, suddenly feeling like a little girl curled up in her mother's arms after having a nightmare and crawling into bed with her parents. "It's the things he did to you…the torture you had to endure , that Lena had to go through, that keeps me awake."
"Oh Sweetheart," Irina pulled Sydney into her side more tightly as a wave of tears washed over her eyes again, her throat suddenly dry.
This was exactly what Irina was afraid of. Why she was so pained at having Sydney there, to see what Cuvee was doing to her. Her daughter was so much like her. Irina wasn't haunted by her own torture, but that of her daughters and Sydney wasn't haunted by the acts committed against herself personally but those against her mother and sister.
"I wish I could take it away for you, wish that you didn't have to witness that, go through that. I would give anything to take away this hurt for you."
"There you go again, trying to protect me! Keep me from hurting when, when you're the one that was hurt the most!" Sydney turned on the swing to face her mother, tears streaming down her face looking into her Irina's dark pooling eyes. "You almost died! He almost killed you, Mom! The things he did to you..." She whispered the last part, afraid and horrified remembering vividly what had happened to her mother.
"Was nothing he hadn't done to me before." Irina responded softly, cupping Sydney's cheeks, using a calm voice. "So don't worry about that okay? The physical damage will heal and already is and I learned long ago how to deal with…the other."
"No, you didn't." Sydney shook her head softly, defiantly, yet honestly. "You just buried it."
Irina sat momentarily stunned by Sydney's obvious truth.
"Yes, you're right…but so am I." She brushed another stray tear of Sydney's with her thumb still cupping her face. "I did bury what had happened to me in Kashmir. The entirety of it, for a long time…too long. But, I learned how to deal with the…physical rape…eventually. I'm not saying it didn't or doesn't still affect me, it does," Her eyes clouded over with tears as her voice caught, speaking the truth aloud, "But as it has happened thousands of times, " She gulped looking away realizing for the first time actually how many times she'd gone through it; allowing herself for the first time to admit and verbalize the mental calculation she wouldn't allow herself until now to think about. "I learned to take myself out of it, learned to separate my body and my soul. That they may take my body, but just my body. Do you understand?" She looked back to her daughter, smoothing her hair over her head once more, seeking understanding to a painful topic.
"Yeah…I do." Sydney nodded sniffling, "But what about the emotional aspect of it, Mom? It obviously affected you."
"Twenty years ago, yes. But not this time, at least not in the same way." Irina answered slowly, and shoved her hair behind her own ear, thinking about what she was going to say seeing Sydney's confusion. "Twenty years ago in Kashmir…their torture…that rape…did tear out my soul and left me empty at that time. It was the years after I was released, that I was able to reflect. Mostly, it happened these last two years being around you, your father…Lena. I began to realize they hadn't taken 'all of me.' The best parts of me still existed through you. I know this is complicated and I'm probably not explaining this well." She shook her head frustrated it wasn't making as much sense when said aloud as it did in her mind. "I guess what I am trying to say that this time, in Kashmir, I knew what Cuvee was going to do to me…and I was prepared. Meaning, that this time, I wasn't terrified of what he'd do to me, to my soul, by raping me. I knew that this time…he couldn't take it away from me by taking my body. That he could take my body but he couldn't take away my love for you…your father…the love for my family and theirs for me, and that was all that mattered; that…and keeping you safe." She gave Sydney a small smile through unshed tears still gathering in her eyes.
"I think I understand that but I can see, Mom…that you're still hurt. That you're still haunted by what happened, I can see it in your eyes." Sydney spoke softly and slowly at first then rushed to finish, fearing she'd back out of being honest if she didn't get it out quickly.
"What bothers me now, what is most painful for me," Irina spoke after a minute of silence, deciding to be completely honest with Sydney, "Is not what happened to me, Sydney…like you, I am haunted by what happened to 'you'…and your sister. The physical torture you were both put through…and the emotional." With her timid smile she tried to cover her quivering lip but Sydney saw it immediately and her own heart clenched hearing her mother's truth, that she was more hurt by what had happened to her children then by what had happened to herself; a truth she knew was there after getting to know her mother more these last few months.
"You having to watch while he did that to me," Irina shook her head in disgust looking away and unable to meet Sydney's eyes remembering the look in her daughter's eyes when Cuvee first started to rape her. "The fact that you and Lena were even in that situation because of me. I brought him into your lives. I am the one who couldn't stop myself from screaming causing you more pain as he torched your foot."
"Mom! Stop, just stop it!" Sydney's eyebrows narrowed in frustration and pain for her mother. "You almost bit your tongue off for crying-out-loud and then held it in until you went unconscious trying not to scream! You did everything you could. If you're going to feel guilty and blame yourself for screaming then I guess I will too, for not being able to hold out longer. Hold out for at least as long as you did. Hold out until I passed out from the pain." She was goading her mother, manipulating her into seeing 'her point of view.'
"Sydney! No! That's ridiculous! You can't possibly blame yourself or feel guilty about screaming when you were in pain!" Irina stopped suddenly when she realized what she was saying and saw Sydney's cocked eyebrow and the small deviant grin. "That was your point wasn't it." She shook her head, unbelieving that her daughter had actually manipulated her into seeing how illogical she was being in her 'motherly-protecting-guilt-mode.'
"Yes…it was and I'm sorry for manipulating you into seeing it but, Mom…you have to stop blaming yourself, taking on guilt for things you had no control over." Sydney added softly, gripping Irina's fingers in her own as she looked deeply into her mother's eyes, tears flooding over her cheeks as she sniffled. "I told you in the hospital, that same thing but I don't think you really heard me, Mom. So much of what you believe you are guilty of and to be blamed for was completely out of your control. You have no reason to feel as guilty as you do or to carry it around like it is your punishment for the rest of your life. You've done some bad things, but so have I and so has Dad. If you can forgive the things that Dad and I have done to you, said to you…then you must know, " She reached up to wipe the fallen tear that spilt over Irina's lid and fell down her cheek with a soft smile, "That to be where we are today, we forgave you for what you've done to us in the past. The way you came into Dad's life wasn't exactly ideal and truthful but you loved us and didn't want to leave us and we know that to be fact now. Everything after that was out of your control and you shouldn't feel guilty for what happened. We've all suffered from the fallout of your assignment." She stopped, sniffled and took a breath, her eyes never leaving her mother's. "But the thing is, Mom…you have only one person left to forgive for what happened in the past before we can truly move forward in our lives."
Irina furrowed her eyebrow curiously and Sydney smiled, catching her mother's reaction and not realizing whom she was referring to spoke softly.
"You, Mom. You need to forgive yourself."
Irina swallowed hard, feeling her eyes drowning with unshed tears she blinked and quickly looked away, out into the darkness as the tears fell silently down her cheeks.
"I can't, Sydney. I don't deserve it."
"Yes. You do, Mom!" Sydney moved her hand and turned her mother's face to hers with her fingertips to her chin, forcing Irina to look at her. "How can you say that? How can you believe that? Why do you think that you aren't worthy of forgiving yourself?"
"I just do." Irina shrugged, not really sure why she felt the way she did. She had carried around a guilt ridden conscious for so long... "I can't explain it so that you would understand. I've just done so many things wrong. It will take the rest of my life and eternity to make them right…if ever."
"Mom you already have made them right and you're continuing to do so by just being in our lives." Sydney smiled sadly at her mother, torn at seeing Irina value herself so little. "Dad forgave, I forgave you, Katya forgave you, Julian forgave you, your mother…forgave you. Your father forgave you…the church has forgiven you, your country forgave you… our country has forgiven you…everyone has forgiven you, Mom, even God forgave you! Which was obvious when you died and went to heaven. Mom," She forced Irina to look at her again, Irina's head having dropped as tears fell from her chin running over Sydney's fingers, "We love you, unconditionally, we love you. You have to let it go. You've been punished enough for the past a million lifetimes over. Let yourself be happy…truly happy without carrying around this enormous weight of guilt. If you don't let this go…it will only hurt your future…our future as a family. Please, forgive yourself." Sydney cupped Irina's face with both hands, "Realize, that without the events of the past happening as they did…we would not be here right now. If you had not joined the KGB, you wouldn't have gotten your assignment from Cuvee, moved to America and met Dad. You wouldn't have fallen in love, kept him as your mark, you wouldn't have had me. If you hadn't extracted Mikhail, Vaughn and his mother would have been killed, and if you hadn't have left…so would Dad and I." Her voice caught in her throat with emotion. "If you hadn't let them catch you escaping, Mikhail would be dead and if you hadn't complied and survived in prison, you would have died there. If you hadn't formed your organization you wouldn't have been able to get Russia back and take care of the people, you wouldn't have been able to protect me from afar as well as you did or Katya and her family or anyone else for that matter. If Dad hadn't have shut me out of his life, I wouldn't have become a spy, I would have been a teacher and if I had done that, and not become a spy and if you hadn't have been obsessed with Rambaldi, you wouldn't have built the battery that Sloane sent me to blow up and we would never have met again. If you hadn't shot me then, we both would have died. If you hadn't turned yourself into the CIA, we wouldn't have started to find our way back to each other or your way with Dad…we wouldn't have Lena." Sydney took a breath, "Mom, the point is…all of these things, hard or not, have brought us to this moment… with you and me, sitting on this swing in the middle of the night." She smiled, "I know you believe in fate…I do, too." Sydney wiped at her mother's tears with her thumbs, smiling, "You said to me in St. Petersburg that it was all worth it. Well I am telling you, that for me, it was all worth it, too. Having you in my life again. My life, period. It was all worth it. We can't change the past, and I'm not sure I'd want to if it alters this moment, what we have now, but we can accept it, embrace it and move forward together…without the guilt of the wrongs of the past. We can't do that, move forward together, until you forgive yourself, Mom, please."
Irina sat looking at Sydney with wide-eyes. Her daughter possessed wisdom far beyond her years.
"You are amazing…"
"Mom…" Sydney smiled, using a scolding tone wanting an answer.
"I will try, Sydney." Irina replied softly.
"No, not good enough." Sydney shook her head no surprising Irina, "You can't 'try' to, you just 'need' to and let it go! Right now! Enough time has already passed carry this guilt. You need to start living your life for you! And what better way to start then by giving yourself the forgiveness you deserve, and already have from everyone else. I know you've been writing down everything that has happened thus far in your life for your own 'cleansing' reasons. Think of it as starting a new chapter in your book…in your life."
"Sweetheart," Irina smiled softly back at her beautiful, brilliant daughter, "I wish it where that simple but-"
"It is that simple." Sydney cut her off smiling, "You're the one who lectured me on free will remember? Just forgive yourself and stop torturing your soul, please. I would beg you to do it for me, for Lena, for Dad and even for Julian. I can't believe I said that." She chuckled softly shaking her head catching her mother's smile over her reference to Sark as Julian before she forged on, "And I know that you'd do it, for us, you'd do it because I know how much you love us and would do anything for us…but that's not what I really want… I want you to do it for you! For your future, for your own soul and sanity, I want you to let it go...You deserve it Mom, you've been punished enough…let it go." Sydney finally cracked as she spoke her last words in hushed tones and her tears broke through the floodgates.
Irina couldn't breathe or swallow, her heart was thundering inside her chest and in her eardrums and she grabbed Sydney to her chest, holding her tightly in spite of the pain as her own warm tears ran rampant down her face and a small smile crossed her features when she closed her eyes.
Hearing Sydney say what she had longed to hear within her soul for so long, that she 'had been punished enough' and giving her permission to 'let it go,' was a wash of relief, something she hadn't really been aware of wanting until she'd heard it, knew that it was something she could never grant herself until those who'd she'd hurt the most had found their forgiveness and given it to her.
Her tortured and broken soul had been lost for so long, it was only just now, in the last couple of years being put back together with the love of her family…piece by piece…the last, and perhaps one of the biggest pieces missing, was being able to finally forgive herself, allowing herself to realize, that she couldn't control everything and she did the best she could.
"Ok, Sydney. Ok Sweetheart…I will forgive myself for the things I cannot change…and accept I did the best I could at the time." Irina choked out and literally felt the last invisible chain around her heart and soul; weighing her down, to break free.
Sydney inhaled a long breath of happy relief, holding onto Irina's neck more tightly as they clung together on the swing.
"I love you, Mom. I love you." Sydney proclaimed in Russian and brought new tears to Irina's eyes.
"I love you, too, Sweetheart…forever and always." Irina smiled, kissing Sydney's head then backing up to pepper her face with soft kisses, mindful of her daughter's bruises. "Let's get some sleep, okay? Everything else, we'll take a day at a time."
"Together." Sydney looked into her mother's big dark eyes determinedly that they would face the future together..
"Yes," Irina smiled widely, "Together."
They made their way inside and Irina spotted Jack sleeping on the sofa, her heart melting with love at his 'knowing heart' and loving gesture, having known Sydney and Irina would want to sleep beside each other this night and he gave up his bed, his place beside her, for the sofa so that mother and daughter could have their time.
She draped her blanket over his body gently and smiled at his beautiful face before dropping a soft kiss the corner of his mouth while Sydney watched from the bottom of the steps, waiting, her heart smiling as she watched her parents, continuously amazed by their love.
Irina slipped her hand into Sydney's and the two silently made their way up the stairs and into the bedroom, exhausted. Sydney slipped into the enormous bed on her father's side and once Irina was settled on her side, Sydney cuddled up next to her; her head against Irina's shoulder, carefully putting her arm over her mother's abdomen, mindful of the broken ribs and Irina lay her arm over Sydney's, tilting her head down to rest her cheek against the top of her daughter's head.
"I love you, Sydney." She whispered into the darkness, tears of happiness stinging her eyes in this moment, having her little girl cuddled up in her bed, in this room, with her for the first time since the morning she had been extracted two decades ago.
"I love you too, Mom." Sydney closed her eyes, smiling contently and feeling safe in her mother's arms once more, "Forever and always." She added softly before falling asleep.