Bring Down the Sky

After leaving the Citadel, things seemed to just continually get worse. The whole ship was feeling the effects of Noveria, each and every one of us feeling sorry for Liara. To have your own mother try to kill you, to be forced to choose between saving your life or your mother's… I wouldn't wish that even on my worst enemy. Liara was putting on a brave face, seeming even more determined to catch Saren and bring him to justice.

Shepard had done all she could to comfort the young asari, and I could see how it was starting to wear on her. This mission, Bernezia, Saren, the Rachni, the Council, the Alliance… She had bags under her eyes, wasn't eating as much – and Shepard could eat! – and was forgoing her daily laps for the punching bag more and more.

I tried to be there, to comfort her, but I honestly wasn't very good at it. I was a pleasant distraction, at best. I would make her laugh over a cup of tea, I would make her blush with a bold line, or I would hold the bag while she worked it until her knuckles bled. I tried to help her anyway I could. The whole crew did.

Her mood got worse after a mission in the Exodus Cluster. We were in the Asgard system when we were alerted that an asteroid, X57, was going to hit the human colony Terra Nova in four hours. Shepard immediately mobilized her ground team and we landed on the asteroid to investigate. It all turned out to be a ploy by Batarian extremists led by a batarian named Balak, who wanted to wipe out the colony. There, Shepard was faced with a tough call. She could let Balak go and save the hostages, or sacrifice them in order to kill Balak.

She chose the latter.

I didn't question her decision, though I wished it hadn't come to that. I understood why it had to be done. I just wished we would've been able to kill that son of bitch and save those people.

Tonight, I found Shepard at our usual table in the mess, staring into her mug of tea. She looked… lost. God knows how long she's been there. There was no steam rising from the cup and there was caked blood on her knuckles.

"Shepard."

She lifted her head, blinking a few times as if just waking up. "Kaidan. Hey." She tried to muster a smile, but I could see through it.

"Shepard. Are you okay?"

"Fine."

"Shepard… Please talk to me."

"About what?"

"Shepard."

She sighed, shaking her head. "No, Kaidan. I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I –"

"Milla." I begged. "Please."

"Fine." She took a deep breath, as if steadying herself. "It's just… all of this brings back memories."

"Mindoir?"

She nodded. "And Elysium."

"You want to talk about it?"

She scoffed. "Kaidan, I have talked about it. With shrinks, with Anderson, with John…"

"But not with me."

She looked at me, eyes glistening with unshed tears. "But not with you."

"Please."

Milla closed her eyes, and I knew she was trying to hold back tears. "The day of the raid on Mindoir, I was with my boyfriend, Eryck. We were fooling around in my dad's shed when we heard a ship landing. Soon afterwards, we heard shots, and bombs. We got down and peeked out the door just as –" Her eyes left mine, looking down to stare intently at her cup of tea. "I saw…"

I reached for her hand and squeezed. Her eyes flickered back to mine as she squeezed back.

"I saw as they dragged out my family. They had my mother by her hair. My dad was being held down by two of them. Another one had my little brother. He was eleven years old. H-He didn't understand what was going on, he didn't know who they were and why they were grabbing him and shoving him. He, uh, was pretty big for his age. Strong. So he tried to break loose, he tried to fight, he even hit the batarian who was holding him back. They shot him. Shotgun to the chest. He was dead instantly.

My mother… God, I'll never forget my mother's scream. It was just this awful, horrible sound. And my dad… God, my dad… He was such gentle, easygoing guy. He was the type to always avoid conflict, the type that never picked a fight. But seeing my brother… It must have broken something in him. He just let loose, he started fighting the batarians, trying to get my mom and run. They were both shot as they made a break for it. I remember Eryck had to clamp his hand on my mouth to muffle my screams.

It all sort of gets fuzzy after that. He grabbed my hand, broke a window in the back of the shed and pushed me through it. He told me to run, he pulled me with him as I tripped and stumbled. I was so confused, disoriented, all I could do was follow him. We ran into the fields, the crops were tall enough to hide us. He kept pulling me, urging me to run. And then, all of a sudden, he stopped. Took my face in his hands. Told me to stay down and be quiet. He, um…" Her chin started trembling. "He told me I had to run. I had to keep going into the fields and be quiet. I heard rustling and realized they were close. So he pushed me onwards and he turned back. He sacrificed himself for me. He got caught so I could escape."

"I'm sorry."

She ignored me, or seemed to. She just kept going. "Anderson found me, two days later maybe. Time seemed to blur and I don't know how long I hid there. I was so scared, Kaidan."

I didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone who had lost everything she'd ever known in one night? Gee, that's tough, I'm sorry it happened to you? So I just stood and went to sit on the chair next to hers. She looked at me and just leaned into me as I brought my arms around her.

"It took years for me to stop being afraid of them. A picture of a batarian was enough to give me a full-on panic attack. And nightmares, so many nightmares. When I joined the Alliance, that fear turned to anger, to hatred. I hated batarians."

I could hear the anger in her voice. I could hear the hatred.

"I hated them as much as they hate us. I blamed them for all the things that had gone wrong in my life, just like they do to us! All I wanted to do was get assigned to some kind of mission where I got to fight them. Anything, slave trades, pirate gangs, smuggling rings. I was older now, I had combat training, and I wanted revenge for my family, for Eryck and for Mindoir.

Then Elysium happened, and my hatred for them mixed with my desire to protect the colony at any cost. I wouldn't let Elysium to become the next Mindoir. I rallied my squad, and some civilian volunteers. And I just shot my fucking guns at every single one of them. I reveled in it. I laughed every time I saw one of their heads explode through my scope, every time they were blown up by one of my grenades. Until it was over… and I realized I didn't feel... anything. I was numb. I felt nothing. I didn't feel like I avenged Mindoir, I didn't feel like justice was done, I didn't feel anything.

After Elysium, my psych eval came a little messed up. I had to undergo extensive treatment for my PTSD and my request to participate in the assault on Torfan was denied." She sighed. "It took me years to work through these issues, years of treatment with a therapist until I finally began to stop hating them, to see them as people."

Now that, I could understand. I knew what it was like to finally see aliens as something more; to realize, after an awful situation, just how human they were. It happened for me with Vyrnnus.

"And then shit likes this happens." She whispered, trembling with frustration. "Just when I thought I was over it, they go and do something like this. And that hatred that I've tried so hard to squash down comes bubbling back up. And I feel I'm right back at square one. That I'm not the bigger person like I thought I was, that I'm still a racist, batarian – hating piece of shit person."

I tightened my arms around her, pressing a kiss on her head. She hated herself, I realized, because she hated them. And she didn't want to hate all batarians. She at least tried to see them as people, even if all the ones she'd met so far had given her reasons to hate them.

"You're not a racist, piece of shit person."

"Oh, but I am!" She laughed a mirthless laugh. "Look at what happened today! I sacrificed three innocent people in order to kill Balak! Without even blinking! I did it because it was what I felt had to be done!"

"Exactly!"

"What?" She looked at me, surprised I was agreeing with her. I placed both my hands on her neck, holding her face, forcing her to look at me straight in the eye.

"Listen, I… I understand how you feel. I do. And… I think you did the right thing, Shepard, given the circumstances. If there was anybody capable of both saving the engineers and nailing Balak at the same time, it would've been you. If you didn't see another way out, it's because there wasn't another way.

And if you had let Balak go to save Kate and the others, believe me when I say he'd have tried something like this again on another colony, and maybe that time, nobody would be there to stop him.

You saved the lives of 4 million people on Terra Nova today, Shepard."

"At the cost of Kate's and two other engineers' lives."

"Yes. And their sacrifice will be remembered. Even the right choices have consequences." I echoed the words my father had said to me, all those years ago.

"Wise words."

"They're not mine. My father's." I clarified.

"Wise man." She mused. "Thank you, Kaidan." She looked up at me, finally giving me a small but genuine smile.

"Feeling better?"

"A bit."

"Okay. That's good enough for me. Now… would you let me take a look at your knuckles?"

She groaned, but nodded all the same. I disentangled myself from her – my body immediately noticing the loss of her warmth – and went to the medbay for some supplies. I returned and began cleaning the wounds, before applying medigel and bandaging her hands. Milla just sat there quietly, staring at me the whole time.

"All done."

"Hmm…"

"What?"

"I like watching you work. You get this tiny crease between your eyebrows right there…" She touched the skin between my eyebrows.

"I like your dimples." I said, suddenly feeling bold, and I cupped her cheek with my palm, my thumb caressing the tiny dip in her cheek.

Her eyes widened, and I could practically feel the blood rushing to her face. Her tongue darted out to wet her lips, and I slowly began pulling her closer to me. She didn't hesitate, her eyes going from my eyes to my mouth before closing. I closed mine, feeling her warm breath on mine, her lips agonizingly close – when we heard hard steps on the stairs. Once again, we jumped away from each other just as Joker walked into the mess.

"Oh, uh, Commander." He stood at attention. Or tried to, anyway. "And, Kaidan."

"At ease, Joker. Kaidan here was just patching up my knuckles." She raised her bandaged hands.

"Oh, well, I didn't mean to interrupt. I was just going to bed, ma'am." He gave me a pointed look, before turning back to Shepard. "I set a course for Feros, ETA 26 hours."

"Very good, Joker." She stood. "Well, I'm off to bed. Thanks for everything, Lieutenant."

"No problem, Commander."

"Good night, guys."

"Good night!" Joker yelled as she walked back to her cabin. He sat down beside me, placing his crutches against the table, a smug smile on his face.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Okay. Good. I'm turning in as well." I clapped my hands on my thighs and stood. "Good night, Joker."

"What? Are you serious?"

"Yeah."

"And you're not going to tell me anything?"

"About what?" I played dumb.

"Oh, come on! You know what!"

"Good night, Joker!" I started walking towards my pod, leaving Joker yelling at my back, begging for details.