Distraction

Feros was… disgusting. There's no other word for it. My stomach still turns when I think of the Thorian. Shepard was amazing, though. That woman's charm had a way of persuading anyone to do as she wants. I swear if I ever get caught speeding, I want her as my advocate. She laughed when I told her as much.

From what I could see, Milla was finally feeling better after the whole incident on Asteroid X57. She was jogging again, and complaining that the Normandy's cargo bay was too small, and she couldn't really calculate distances. I'm getting a treadmill, she'd said, making all of us laugh, I want a fucking treadmill.

We hadn't really talked since the other night, though. It wasn't like things were weird. We were just busy. Well, she was busy. Saren seemed to be closer than ever, and Shepard was working non stop with Liara to try to figure out the "Cipher" she got on Feros. So much so, we hadn't met for the last couple nights because she was still working with Liara.

"What do you think they do, though?" Ash asked one day, as I helped her at the weapons bench. The chief had everything neatly organized, making everything easy to find.

"I don't know. It's probably got something to do with Protheans, though."

"You know, a little birdy told me our prothean expert has a crush on our brave commander."

I dropped the gun oil. Crap. It began to spill every where and I picked up quickly. I cleared my throat and side eyed Ash. "Really?"

"Yeah." She looked immensely pleased with herself. "But I don't think anything will come of it."

"Why?" I asked, trying to appear uninterested while I cleaned my gun.

"Well… I don't really think she's the Commander's type."

"She's not." Wrex came over and began disassembling his shotgun. "Now, Junior, over here," he pointed to me, "is exactly her type."

I blushed and couldn't help but stutter. "I w-what?"

"Oh, really? How do you figure?" Ash egged him on.

"Pheromones." He crinkled his nose. "I can smell them from her every time you two are in the same room together."

"Really?" Ash wiggled her eyebrows at me.

"You humans really don't have a great sense of smell, do ya?"

"Uh, no."

"Well, if you don't believe me, then ask the turian." He said, turning back to his shotgun.

Ashley snorted a laugh as I covered my face with a hand. "Oh, god."

"Oh my god! Garrus!" Ash yelled for him.

"Yeah!" he yelled from under the Mako.

"Is it true you can smell pheromones?"

"Whose? Kaidan's or Shepard's?"

I groaned and Ash began laughing wildly, arms around herself, covering her stomach.

"It's not that funny." I mumbled as Ash kept laughing hysterically, tears coming from her eyes.

"I don't understand why you don't just admit you're attracted to each other and get it over with." Garrus came over, wiping engine grease off his talons with a piece of cloth.

"Okay. It's not that simple." I argued nervously.

"Ah ha! So you admit there is something going on!" Ash chimed in.

"N-no!" I stammered. "I mean… you know there are regs, Ash." I mumbled.

"Yeah, so I've heard." Garrus said, his mandibles raised in a turian smirk. "Funny how you didn't seem to remember them the other night at Purgatory."

"W-we were just dancing!" I yelled, pretty sure I sounded like a petulant teenager.

"Uh huh." Garrus rolled his eyes.

"The turian's got a point. You looked like you were about ready to jump each other." Wrex chimed in.

"Who was?" Tali said, coming into the cargo bay. Great! I couldn't help but groan as I saw yet another person join this silly conversation about my love life.

"Shepard and Kaidan." Ash told the quarian as she came to stand next to Garrus.

"What?! When?"

"The other night at Purgatory. Too bad the asari interrupted you just as things we're getting good." I mock glared at Wrex. "I was drunk, not blind."

"Keelah!" Tali squealed excitedly.

"Nothing happened." I said curtly, as I began to put all my stuff away.

"Nothing happened?" She repeated, clearly disappointed.

"No. Shepard and Kaidan almost made out."

Garrus' choice of words making me feel like I was back in middle school, with everyone talking about how I almost made out with the most popular girl in school at someone's party in the basement.

"No!" Tali screamed at the same time I spoke.

"Excuse me! Weren't you off 'blowing off steam' with some woman you picked up at the bar?"

"She asked me to dance before we left." He waved his hand dismissively.

"Wait, where was I?"

"Passed out at our table." Wrex told Tali.

"Keelah," She sighed. "I always miss the good stuff."

"Don't worry, Tali." Garrus put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sure we'll see many more awkward Shepard/Kaidan moments before this mission's over."

"Ooh! I have a good one, I just realized it!" Ash piped up excitedly.

"Ok. I'm gonna go." I said and a chorus of groans erupted in the room.

"Oh come on!"

"We were just teasing!"

"Guys, it's okay. I just… have to go."

"Okay." Ash said with a sad smile. "I'll tell you my Shepard story another time."

"Yeah. Sure."

I turned and walked to the elevator, the doors opening just as Ash began her story.

"Okay. So, I was talking to one of my sisters when Shepard came to talk to me…"

That night I waited for Shepard in the mess well into the night cycle. I missed talking to her and, to be honest, what Ash told me about Liara got me a little nervous. I just… wanted to talk to her. Figure out where we stand.

I boiled the water and poured it into the small pot, waiting five minutes for it to cool before introducing the herbs, just like she taught me. The water needs to be hot, but not boiling hot, otherwise the herbs get burnt and the tea tastes bitter. She came out of the medbay, looking exhausted, just as I was pouring the tea into her favorite N7 mug.

Her eyes lit up as she saw me and she reached eagerly for the cup, sniffing gingerly.

"Oh, God!" She crashed into one of the chairs. "It smells amazing! Thank you, Kaidan."

I chuckled and sipped my own tea. "You're welcome."

Milla tasted her tea and I saw how her eyes widened as she pulled back to stare at the mug. "Wow. This is really good."

"I'm glad you like it. I made it just like you taught me."

"And so the student surpasses the master." She grinned, before yawning widely. "God, I'm so tired. How are you, Kaidan? I feel like we haven't talked in forever."

"Yeah, we haven't had time together since our last chat and…a lot was said. When we talked."

"You seemed decisive then, Lieutenant. Why so hesitant now?" She asked, moving closer to me. It was almost… predatory, and I could feel myself blushing.

"Sorry. Not sure where I stand. You seem a bit, uh, distracted. By someone."

She looked completely taken aback, but recovered quickly. "Alright, Alenko. Off the record, permission to speak candidly, cross my heart and hope to die. What are you talking about?"

"Uh, Dr. T'Soni. Ma'am. There's a lower-deck rumor that she's, uh, interested in you. As more than a source of Prothean data. She's a very interesting lady. Not to my, uh, tastes. But I never claimed to be big on alien culture."

Milla looked perplexed for a second, before snorting. And that snort became a full blown, belly shaking, tears-streaming-down-her-face laugh. She almost spilled her tea, before taking a couple of deep breaths and wiping the tears from her cheeks. "Kaidan, are you jealous… of Liara?"

"No! It's just… We don't have much downtime these days. And I like being around you. But I – I don't want to take up your personal time."

"You don't! I mean, you do… but I like spending time with you." She gave me a sad smile, looking almost… disappointed. "Look, I think I told you… I don't care for games. When I told you I was attracted to you, I meant it. I like you, Kaidan, and I want to get to know you better." She sighed. "Now, if I have to spell it out for you… there's absolutely nothing going on between me and Liara. We're friends. We've become pretty good friends, to be honest. And she's kind of… well, they're not really seeing each other, but she's been talking to John via extranet messages, and she really likes him."

"Oh." I felt like an ass. A real, honest to God ass. And I'm going to kill Ash next time I see her.

"Yeah. So…"

"Milla, I'm sorry."

"That's okay. You can make it up to me later." She winked, a wicked grin on her face.

I couldn't help the nervous laugh that escaped me. "I – I don't want to distract you too much."

"So you've said, though I have to admit, you're doing a very poor job at it."

"Yeah… It's just… The deeper we get into this mess, the bigger it seems." She sighed, the mood sobering up and becoming a bit more serious. "I'm just looking for an ear. The debriefing wasn't the right place to say how ridiculous this is. Seems like every other race in the galaxy is wrapped up in their own problems. They don't want to see what's coming."

"Wanting to believe everything will be fine? Sounds like human nature to me."

"Yeah. I guess some things carry across species well enough. I should remember that after what happened with Vyrnnus."

Her eyes narrowed a tiny bit, that piercing look on her face again – the one that made you feel like she was studying you, and made you keep talking and spill all your secrets. "I'd think you'd carry a grudge over the crap you took from Vyrnnus."

"Before I met Vyrnnus, I knew as much as any other civilian. Aliens were weird, superior, and tried to tell us what to do. I mean, it's only be 26 years since first contact. That's not a lot of time to understand them. It was Vyrnus who made me see how human aliens are. They're not different or special. They're jerks and saints just like us. Hell, by the time I got payback, I didn't even want it anymore."

"I don't see you snapping very easily. What finally did it?"

"What's the matter, cadet? Too tired? Too weak?" Vyrnus's subharmonics took on a predatory hum.

"Thirsty." Rahna whispers.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Try this." He pulls a glass of water with his biotics, dangling just out of Rahna's reach. "Come on, it's so close."

"I – can't."

"That's too bad. But that was a really good effort. Here."

He brings the glass closer to her. She reaches for it… with her hand!

"Rahna, don't!"

Her arm broke with an audible snap.

I shook my head, trying to clear the memory away, until I felt Milla's hand taking mine, her thumb running circles on my skin.

"He hurt Rahna. Broke her arm. She reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. She just wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, you know? Like an idiot, I stood up. Didn't know what I was going to do…just something. And Vyrnnus lost it. Beat the crap out of me. Kept shouting how they should have bombed us back into the stone age. That's when the knife came up. A military-issue talon, right in my face. I cut loose. Full biotic kick, right in the teeth. Almost as strong as I can manage now. At seventeen, that's something." I looked down at the floor, ashamed.

Milla was such a good person, a good soldier, that she never killed anyone without a good reason. I was so sure she was going to berate me for loosing control. Instead, she pulled up my chin, gently caressing my cheek.

"You wanted to help a girl you cared for. That's a noble thing."

"Maybe my intentions were noble. But I lost control. I killed him, Milla. Snapped his neck. They probably could've saved him, if they got him to an infirmary quick enough. But they didn't. Caused a stir when they shipped him home. BAaT training was shut down. Conatix folded a couple of years later. It's funny. I'm not sure which of us got the worst of what happened."

"What about Rahna? Was she all right?"

"Rahna! I'm sorry! I couldn't let him – "

"I know. I know, Kaidan." She stepped away from me. "But what you did… you can't make that right. He's dead."

"He deserved it! Even the administrators said he went too far. With Shelby, with you –"

"That doesn't make it right! I'm sorry. I just – you scared me, Kaidan."

"Rahna? Yeah. Yeah, she was fine. We never really, uh – We stopped talking after that."

"Kaidan. I'm so sorry. I, um… can't say I understand, but… I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that."

"Maybe. But Rahna had a gentle heart. She loved everyone. Vyrnnus terrified her. We all protected her from him. Everyone who – E-Everyone who loved her. But after what I did to him, she was terrified of me, too." I sighed, before realizing I'd gotten carried away with this whole thing. "Anyway, this is, um…I had a point here. Aliens are individuals. Just because one's an ass doesn't mean they all are. So yeah, I hated that turian. But he wasn't 'a turian' to me. He was Vyrnnus."

"That's… an admirable way to think. Really. I wish I could think like that."

"Hey." I squeezed her hand. "You do. Or you at least try. You have been through so much, Milla. And yet, you don't let your past experiences color your perceptions on people. You don't judge them by their race or where they come from. You judge them by their character, by what they bring to the table." I laughed. "I mean, your ground team are almost all aliens!"

"None of them are batarians."

"Well, no… but if – let's say, Garrus was a batarian, would you still have agreed to work with him?"

"A batarian C – Sec officer who has a whole investigation on the rogue Spectre I'm hunting? I'd kinda have to even if I didn't want to."

"See? You'd still work with him. You might not like it, you'd be wary of him, and probably wouldn't trust him at first, but you'd do it anyway."

"I guess."

"You're a good person, Milla."

She gave me this look that said she didn't really believe me. "Thanks. You are, too."

I took her hand and interlaced my fingers with hers. I loved the little current of electricity that seemed to course through my body every time I touched her.

"So that's why you're so self-controlled." She said, after a while.

"I'm no more disciplined than any other biotic, Shepard. This is all ancient history. I'm over it."

"Rahna's rejection changed you. You agonize over doing the right thing, and you never let yourself lose control... because Rahna spurned you after Vyrnnus died."

Damn. She could've been a shrink. "That's – All right. Maybe you have a point. Maybe. But I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me. Fully functional human being. I won't be a burden on you. On the crew."

Milla rolled her eyes at that, before giving me an exasperated look. "You're not a burden. Kaidan, you're a strong man. Talking about this doesn't make you a whiner, and it doesn't make you immature. It makes you human."

"All right. But it's embarrassing you had to tell me that. You're right. I might need to loosen up. A little. I'll try."

"Promise me you'll try."

"I promise. You know… you could've been a shrink."

A deep chuckle escaped her. "I wanted to, actually. When I was a kid. I wanted to go to school on Earth and study psychology. Get a PhD in neuroscience, or a Masters degree. Open up my own practice. Maybe even join the Alliance, but with my degree."

"Really? Well, you're really good at reading people."

"Oh, I know. Have been ever since I was kid. My mom…" she smiled fondly, "My mom used to say I was like a camera. One look was all it took me to get a person's 'portrait'. She loved the idea. My dad, however, hated it. He said you could just read a couple psychology books and bingo. It wasn't a career. It wasn't challenging enough. He wanted me to be a doctor or an engineer. Or Miss Universe."

I couldn't help the snort, and tea that came through my nose. "What?"

"I know, right?" she laughed. "It's ridiculous!"

"How'd he even go from one thing to the other? It's not like they're similar career paths."

"I swear I don't know." She pulled up her omnitool and after searching for a bit, she pulled up a picture of her 16 year old self, sandwiched between who I assumed were her parents, and a chubby boy with glasses. "That's my dad, Victor Shepard, and my mom, Virginia. My little brother's name was Sebastian."

"You look just like your mom. Except for the eyes. They're your dad's."

"Everyone used to say that when I was little." She sighed. "I wish… I wish they could see me now."

"They'd be really proud. I mean, how could they not? I mean look at you! You're Commander Camilla Shepard, the Hero of the Blitz, the First Human Spectre. I think your parents would be really proud to see who you've become."

"Yeah, I guess so." She flipped to another picture, this one of her and another young girl, hugging. "Her name was Tamara. She was my best friend." Another picture of her and a group of teenagers by a pool. "Matty, Karen, Ben, Valerie and Francisco. My friends."

It tore something in me, to see this young girl in the picture, eyes full of laughter, of life, of possibilities. So many possibilities. If things had been different… would she have been a psychologist? A doctor? An engineer? Would she have ever left Mindoir? Would I have met her nonetheless? Even though I felt bad for even thinking it, I couldn't help but be grateful for the twists and turns her life had taken, no matter how painful. They made her into this amazing woman she was today, this amazing individual forged in the fires of war. And I know now that my life would've been… empty if I'd never met her.

"And this… this was Eryck." I turned my attention back to the holopic, this one of her hugging a tall dark skinned boy with a cocky smile. "His family was from Brazil, and he could speak Portuguese. He even taught me some, which came incredibly handy when I was at the Villa for N training."

With a fond, nostalgic smile, she turned off her 'tool.

"Thank you… for showing me those."

"Thank you, too."

"For what?"

"For listening."

I reached up to cup her cheek. "Always."

I pulled her in, eyes locked on hers, before pressing my lips to her.

She pulled back, eyes still closed, and I immediately thought I'd gone too fast or done something wrong, until she opened her eyes and smiled.

"What? Was that – Was it okay?"

"Yeah, no, it was great. I just… I was waiting for somebody to interrupt us." She looked around before wrapping her arms around my neck. "It seems tonight is our lucky night."

She crushed her mouth against mine, and I was struck by the sheer power of the kiss. Our tongues met in a wild dance, our hands finally free to roam each other's body. Her touch was electric, sending shivers down my spine, and she moaned when I tangled my hands in her long brown hair, which was – for once, I realized – out of its tight regulation bun, flowing loosely down her back.

We finally broke apart, both of us breathless and smiling like idiots, before she pulled me up without a word and began leading me to her cabin. My thoughts began to race as we walked the short distance from the mess to her door, and I could feel my tongue becoming tied, leaving me at a loss of words.

"Milla…" I managed, surprised with how husky my voice sounded.

"Relax, Kaidan. You're just walking me to my door, like the proper gentleman I know you are." She turned, still walking backwards to her cabin.

"My pleasure." I gave her an impish smile of my own.

Once we reached her cabin, I couldn't help myself as I pressed her against her door, took her face in my hands and leaned in for one last kiss. I made sure this one was a slow one; I wanted to savor her before letting her go and pressing my forehead against hers.

"Good night, Milla."

"Good night, Kaidan." She gave me one last peck on the lips before raising her hand to unlock her door. "And be sure to rest up, soldier. We head to Virmire tomorrow."

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

"And Kaidan," She bit her lip, and I was transfixed by the pink piece of flesh caught between her teeth, "just so you know, you suck at not distracting me… And yet, you're the best distraction a girl could ask for."