As I ride the elevator down to the first generations living space, I can't help but get excited to see my mother. The time between visits seem so long, I feel like if I didn't think about her every day, I would forget what she looks like, which seems ridiculous since we are nearly identical; same red hair and green eyes, short and freckled, we could be twins.
Once the elevator doors open and Sandy welcomes us, I immediately spot my mother sitting at a table. It's the same table she always sits at, a chair placed across from her for me, the same blue one as I always sit in. A huge smile spreads across my face and I walk over to her as quickly as I can, sitting down as she reaches out like she is going to grab my hand. We don't touch of course, although I have a strange ache in my heart for her to reach a little farther.
"Clary, you look older every time I see you," she says, her bright green eyes looking suspiciously wet. "How have things been?"
I don't know where to start. I'm not allowed to ask for advice on my test later today, and the evaluators walking around the room watching us would hear me for sure.
"I feel… overwhelmed… and a little nervous," I admit, and my mother nods.
"That's a natural thing to feel, the test is going to pick what you do, who you're going to become. Just remember to be honest, and that whatever job you get is suited for you. The evaluators want you to be happy. "
I try to look confident but my mother sees right through it.
She looks thoughtful for a second, then says, "I remember the day had to decide if I was going to leave with the ship or not. Leave my home and everything I knew behind for something I believed in. It was hard, but I knew that it was meant for me. Where ever you get placed, it will be meant for you. You may miss things about how you live now, I still miss things about Earth, but it will be for the best."
I am soaking in every word. My mother rarely talks about Earth and I'm hungry for knowledge.
But she just laughs and says, "Of course, I had Luke to go with me, so the decision wasn't as hard as it had to be. But you'll still get to see your friends." Luke was my father; he got paired with my mother once they were on the ship, since they were together since they were on Earth. He had died in one of the few accidents that sometimes happened here. I never knew him.
"Simon asked me to be his partner… if we could request each other next week," I admit.
She studies me for a second. "I see. And how do you feel about that? Do you love him?"
My brain works quickly, trying to make sense of what she is asking. It finally clicks and I laugh. "You know love isn't real."
Part of Earth Studies includes watching movies, which demonstrate the ideals of people there, what they thought existed, and why the world failed. We study the things their society was build upon, these ideas of gods and love and money and accomplishment, and why they all brought about the destruction of Earth. When we reached the part to learn about love, we watched lots of silly movies where men and women experienced an insatiable, irresistible desire for each other, and were meant to be together. The whole concept was utterly inconceivable and impossible, since the heart is just an artery, not at all connected to emotions like they believed. We also learned about the darker side of it; how it caused wars and made men kill each other. It is considered one of the worst sins and biggest failures of our old world.
My mother turns her head away, her expression making my stomach twist.
"I know why it has to be this way, but sometimes I think we were wrong," she whispers, a tear running down her cheek. Crying without physical pain isn't allowed and I don't know what to do.
"Mother?" I ask hesitantly.
She turns to me, more tears running down her face, but her eyes are determined. "I don't want my daughter growing up without knowing things. You need to live. I thought this was right but Valentine did more than we had talked about, and you guys are being grown like plants, like-"
She gets cut off as two evaluators come up behind her and pull her out of her chair.
"Jocelyn, what are you doing?" one of them demands, shaking her roughly. I stand up, unsure of what to do, my heart racing with fear, something I have only felt a few times before.
"How can you be okay with this, seeing what he is doing, how these children are being-"
The second man jabs a needle into her neck and she immediately falls to the ground, eyes closed.
I can't move. There is a ringing in my ears and my body is frozen, unable to move, to stop them, to what? Stop them? What am I thinking? Something is clearly wrong with my mother. She must be hurt. My brains flashes through all the mental defections we learned about and I feel like I'm going to vomit. We are supposed to be safe here from anything bad, anything that could hurt us.
The first man grabs me, pulling me away from my mother and out the door, dragging me down a hall and into another room. Without a word, he pushes me in and closes the door. The silence it overwhelming, my breathing seems unnaturally loud and heavy.
I sit in a chair, my body trembling and attempt to calm down. I'm sure my mother is fine; we have doctors here that can help her. She will be fine and when I see her next month, she will be back to normal.
But what she said keeps racing around in my head, bouncing from side to side. I don't understand what she meant, why she would say that, what she was trying to tell me.
The door opens suddenly and I jump, nearly falling out of my chair as a tall woman walks in. Stern faced with short straight hair, she wears the white jumpsuit that all evaluators do.
"I am Evaluator Imogen. You'll be happy to know that your mother is being examined as we speak by the doctors, who seem to think she had some sort of mental breakdown. But nothing that shouldn't be easy to fix, so you have nothing to worry about." She says it like she is expecting a certain answer and I struggle to think.
"I'm glad to hear that, although if something was permanently wrong, I don't see how it would affect me. I only see her once a month and she doesn't contribute to my generation." This is what how we were taught to view our parents, since it makes no sense to consider someone more important just because they gave birth to you. Worth here is measured in how you contribute. I know this is right, but the words taste of dishonesty in my mouth.
The woman nods and says, "Whatever your mother said is to be disregarded, as she was not in her right mind."
"Of course," I say quickly. "I don't even remember what she was saying, none of it made sense."
She is studying me intently and I suddenly want to leave. As if they heard my wish, two evaluators enter the room and stand on either side of me.
"We will escort you back to the second generation level, so you can get ready to be tested." I stand, the blood prickling in my feet and leave the room quickly, feeling the woman's eyes on me the whole time.
Once upstairs, I immediately find Simon in the crowd of people who are all waiting in the main room to be taken back for their test. He is sitting down, his fingers drumming against his leg quickly, and he keeps looking around the room. When he finally spots me, he jumps to his feet and rushes over.
"What happened? I saw your mother on the ground and you leaving the room with an evaluator. Is everything alright?" His eyes are filled with concern and I want to… I don't know what I want to do.
"She had some sort of mental breakdown. The doctors think they can make her better though. She was saying a bunch of things that didn't make sense and the evaluators heard and came over to help her." I try to keep my voice level, but Simon knows me better. He doesn't know what to say though, so he is just silent.
"What sort of things?" he finally asks and I open my mouth to tell him about the bizarre things my mother had said. Out of the corner of my eye, I see movement and see an evaluator starting towards us, watching me intently. Suddenly I know, I shouldn't say anything.
"I don't know, I couldn't understand her. It was really frightening." The evaluator turns suddenly and walks in a different direction. My heart is racing and everything feels wrong. We aren't supposed to hide things, but I know I'm not supposed to share this with anyone. Or am I just being paranoid? Paranoia, another disease we learned about. Something else we are supposed to be safe from.
My head is spinning and I can see Simon looking at me, but everything feels weird. Something is very wrong but I don't know what or how that is possible. I need to calm down.
A hand falls on my shoulder and I jump.
"It's time for your test now," the evaluator says, his blue eyes hard as they scrutinize me.
Simon is still staring at me, his forehead wrinkles with confusion, and all I want to do is tell the evaluator I'm not ready for the test, to pick someone else, to give me more time. Instead, I nod, pushing all the thoughts out of my head and follow him on unsteady legs, Simon giving me a small reassuring smile, and take a deep breath as I go through the door.
Sorry it took so long to update, I've been super busy lately, but hopefully I'll have some time within the next few days to update.
Kisses