AN: Music for this chapter (on repeat): What You Wanted by One Republic, Goodbye by Celine Dion, Where's Your Head At by the Basement Jaxx, Science and Religion by Hans Zimmer from Angels & Demons Soundtrack
FIFTY-NINE
o
*What You Wanted*
Jack slowly opened his eyes and smiled instantly looking into Irina's beautiful sleeping face. Lena hadn't awoken yet and he was content to lie in bed with Irina, just looking at her. Today was a very special day, one that he, Sydney and Julian had been preparing for, for over a week.
Today was the first Mother's Day Sydney would celebrate with her mother since 1981 when she brought her burnt toast, a spilled glass of orange juice and scrambled eggs with parts of the shell in them, beaming proudly that she made them for Mommy, 'all by herself,' and then sang to her, 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow.'
This was also the first Mother's Day Julian would celebrate with Irina as his mother as well as Lena's.
They all wanted it to be special for Irina, give her something she'd never forget. Katya and Sophia had flown back to Rome just for the weekend to see Marcelo and Sergei, and happily giving Irina and her family some time alone on their holiday, though she didn't know it. Vaughn had left them for the weekend as well, going to Gryady for the first time by himself to see his grandmother and bring her back for the Coronation before the masses of people began their pilgrimage towards St. Petersburg and she couldn't get in.
Slowly, he reached his hand over and feathered the stray hair off her face and leaned in, inches from her face taking one last long look at her with a smile before kissing soft lips. Her long eyelashes fluttered against her cheeks and he kissed her again lightly. He pulled back smiling as she folded her hands under her face, smiling though her eyes wouldn't open.
'She was so cute when she first woke up.' Jack couldn't tear the smile from his face looking at her sweet face.
"Good morning, Beautiful." He brushed her cheek again with the backs of his fingers; nestling in again as they faced one another only inches apart. "How was your night?"
"Amazing." Irina finally opened her dark eyes with a smile thinking about the night before and making love with her husband, falling fast asleep in his arms after. "How was your night?"
"Mine was wonderful with you by my side." Jack smiled at her, moving in until their noses touched. They had been working hard at mending what was broken and with each touch and caress, each time they made love they closed the distance between them more and more and pushed Cuvee out a little bit more each time. Irina was having less and less flashes of him and moments of fear but they steered completely clear of all ideas of even attempting to make love again from behind as she was no where near ready. For now, they were happy to reconnect and enjoy each other again with less tears and more smiles.
Irina returned his smile and moved even closer until her lips were on his, pausing briefly in their capture then slid her tongue along his bottom lip until he opened wider and kissed him more deeply. Jack encircled her naked back with his arm and pulled her to him as he rolled her body on top of his. Her hair cascaded around them like a curtain and their hearts began to pound with the immense emotion and rising passion.
Lena awoke and started gurgling and making funny noises they could hear through the baby monitor. The sounds became so loud and funny it made them pull apart laughing. Irina sat upright, perched upon his body, looking down at her loving husband smiling and laughing as they listened to Lena in her nursery.
"I'll go get her." Jack slapped Irina's thigh in front of him lovingly and smiled as she rolled off him, allowing him to get up. He pulled on his discarded pair of pajama pants from last night as Irina giggled watching him and trying to locate her own nightgown that Jack had thrown somewhere in the midst of their passion the night before.
Giving up on finding it, she walked to her armoire and found another one while Jack was in the nursery. She smiled madly listening to him through the monitor as he greeted their baby for the day.
"Good morning, Peanut!" He smiled looking over the crib railing as she rolled back and forth on her back, her little legs in the air as her hands clutched her tiny feet, showing off her flexibility. Spotting her Daddy she smiled widely and giggled sharply that brought smiles to Jack's face. "Let's go see Mama, ok?" He smiled talking to her in a voice reserved only for her and he scooped her up. Her little hands immediately clamping against his cheeks and squeezing painful, unaware of her own strength and impressive given she couldn't couldn't even bend two of her three fingers on her left hand.
"Owe!" Jack inhaled sharply at her little attack and she immediately looked at him stunned until he smiled, and laughed, kissing her cheek and neck making her laugh as he carried her into their bedroom. "She attacked me with that iron grip of hers again." He laughed rubbing his jaw as he passed the baby to Irina who was lying against the pillows of their bed.
"At least you don't have the long hair she loves to get tangled into her chubby fist." Irina laughed just as Lena dove her little hands in her Mama's hair with determination holding on all the more tightly with her right hand.
Jack laughed propping himself up on his side to watch them.
When Irina managed to dislodged the baby's hands from her hair, she held her on the sides as the baby bounced off her stomach with her strong little legs, every third jump Irina launching her up into the air above her head and making Lena laugh with delight before bringing her back down and doing it all over again.
"She's getting so big, I can't believe it." Jack ran his hand over Lena's back as she perched atop Irina's stomach and chest a few minutes later, propped up on her little elbows thoroughly content to pull at her Mama's, "Mother's Locket" she and Sydney had given Irina on her birthday. "It goes by so quickly."
"Too quickly." Irina smiled sadly fingering her baby's dark hair as Lena tried to get the necklace into her mouth and kept failing but kept trying. She could still remember very vividly being pregnant with Sydney and that was almost thirty years ago; time had flown by much too quickly.
Irina suddenly remembered something she thought about in Kashmir, talking with Sydney and wanted to ask Jack if they ever got out.
"Jack, when I was pregnant with Sydney," She turned to look at him, having his full attention now and a slow smile lit his face drifting back in time remembering, "You used to talk to her, through my belly," She smiled warmly at him, "Before I woke up in the morning."
Jack nodded with a curious smile, remembering the conversations with his first daughter before she was even born.
"One morning I woke up and when you realized it, you clamed up immediately with this look on your face like ,like you were terrified I was listening or something." Jack's mind clicked remembering exactly what she was talking about. "You don't have to tell me what you were talking to her about. It's just that, I was telling Sydney about your conversations with her before she was born," Irina smiled softly at him, seeing his surprise, "And I remembered that morning. Part of me has always been curious to know, what it was, that you were telling her. What was so terrifying for you, to think I heard?"
"I had been telling her my fears." Jack admitted softly, astonished that 'this' was one of those things that left Irina in wonder for almost 30 years about. "My fears of being a father. You know about my father..." He looked up to meet Irina's eyes which held nothing but understanding and love as she nodded. "He was never a good father and then he abandoned us, first emotionally and then physically. I always told myself I would never do that to my children. I was telling Sydney this, that I was terrified I wouldn't live up to my own promise, that I'd turn out like him. I was apologizing to her before she was born for all the mistakes I was bound to make. That I would try my best not to become my father." Jack looked down at Lena feeling himself getting choked up, "But I became him anyway; first I abandoned Sydney emotionally after you were extracted…and then physically, leaving her to be raised by the nannies."
"Jack, you are 'not' your father. We all make mistakes. You weren't the only one apologizing to her before she was even born for the mistakes, I did, too." She admitted with a smile remembering all the times she broke down crying by herself for her failures as a mother before Sydney was even born. "Life happened and things went wrong. But you were 'never' your father in spite of everything." She reached over tracing his strong jaw-line with her finger lovingly, "You loved Sydney even when you weren't there. You were and are…an amazing father."
"And you are an amazing mother, My Love," Jack turned his head propped in his hand to look at her smiling, "Happy Mother's Day."
Irina's eyes went wide in surprise, 'today was Mother's Day!' She hadn't even thought about it, having not celebrated the American Mother's Day since the year of her extraction, avoided it at all costs, drank herself numb for the first 10 years until the pain went away. Gradually, over time, she pushed the day and its memories way down deep inside her. Immediately, tears began to form in her eyes as she looked from Jack back to Lena.
"You didn't realize what day it was, did you?" Jack looked at her with an arched eyebrow and sad smile.
Irina shook her head, too overcome with emotion to respond as a big tear made its way down her cheek and she kissed the top of Lena's head and then her little fists holding onto her Mother's locket.
"I spent twenty years trying to forget this day. I guess I finally succeeded." She spoke softly and her voice cracked with emotion.
'It was too painful.' Jack realized and reached over to grab her hand, holding it tightly in his as he brought it to his mouth to kiss it.
"Come with me." He sat up and pulled gently on her hand with a sneaky smile.
"What are you up to, Jack?" She smiled through her watery eyes, flashing him that seductive grin and she stood beside him, Lena in her arms and still trying to get the necklace.
"You'll see." Jack's smile widened and he kept their hands together, leading her down the massive staircase in the palace towards the kitchen.
"Mmm. Something smells good." Irina's nose picked up the scent of something delicious as they moved through the house. When they rounded the corner and pushed through the door into the kitchen, Irina stopped dead in her tracks, tears instantly flooding her eyes.
There before her, stood Sydney smiling with a massive plate of toast and Julian had just filled the last glass of champagne with orange juice for Mimosas' on the table.
"I promise I didn't burn the toast this time, or make you eat eggs with shells in them." Sydney spoke in fluid Russian, the only thing she spoke in country now, feeling her own tears already building as she stood looking at her mother who was obviously frozen with emotion. "And I let Julian take care of the orange juice as I seemed to spill it all before it got to you last time." She looked over her shoulder and smiled softly at the irritating blonde, who was now her brother looking just about as frozen as their mother. "Happy Mother's Day, Mom." She turned back to Irina smiling through her tears, she set the plate of toast on the table and took the remaining steps towards her mother, wrapping her arms around her and kissing her cheek.
One of the only vivid memories Sydney managed to hold onto in spite of her Project Christmas training, was her last Mother's Day with her Mom.
"Oh, Sweetheart." Irina breathed out smiling through her tears as she pulled back and cupped Sydney's face with her free hand. "Thank you." She smiled and cried again, leaning forward to kiss Sydney's forehead. "I can't believe you remembered."
"It's one of the only clear memories I have from that year." Sydney confessed shyly, clasping Irina's fingers in her own, not wanting to relinquish the contact. "I remember climbing up on your lap while you were still lying in bed…sitting on your stomach and singing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow." She smiled as more tears found their way to her chin and both Irina and Jack were smiling with pooling eyes remembering that morning well. "Every year on Mother's Day after…with the exception of the last two years."
"When you learned the truth about who I really was." Irina said softly what Sydney 'wasn't' saying aloud and her daughter nodded, pained over that fact.
"I would go to your grave…and sing that song." Sydney smiled remembering well that as she got older and learned the meaning of the words, she usually only made it to the end of the first verse before she was sobbing and hiccupping trying to finish.
Julian noticed Jack's eyes going wide and realized that secret Sydney just divulged was even kept from him.
"Oh Sweetheart." Irina pulled her in closer, crying.
"It's ok, Mom. I love you and always have, even when I was mad at you, I still loved you. I love you now more then ever." Sydney smiled, kissing her mother again.
"l love you too, Sydney. Every minute of everyday, then and now, I love you." She looked into her daughter's beautiful hazel brown eyes.
"I know." Sydney kissed her again quickly, and took her hand, guiding her to the table. "This
is your day, Mom."
"Happy Mother's Day." Julian walked cautiously up to Irina, still nervous as he kissed her cheek and felt her wrap her arm around him, pulling him in closer and kissing his cheek with more tears in her eyes.
"I love you, Julian." She whispered over his shoulder, pulling back to look into his piercing blues as she had with Sydney to make certain he saw her truth. "From the moment I walked up to that school in London and saw you, five years old with curly blonde hair, sitting on the cement steps in your little school uniform…a scorned look on your face and tears in your eyes…I've loved you." She saw his lip quiver and kissed him again quickly, letting him go knowing he didn't want to start crying in front of everyone.
He set her black testing kit with a syringe and insulin next to her place setting with a soft smile before taking his seat and Irina had to smile at her family's continuous concern and attentiveness for her health; always doing things without her ever having to ask.
Jack took Lena from Irina and set her in the high chair, pulling it up beside them at the table so they could all eat breakfast together, as a family.
Lena entertained them when she was finished with her cereal. She had started squirming against her restraints and Irina lay a blanket on the area rug next to the table, laying Lena down on it and all watched as she rolled herself over and over, showing off the latest skill she'd mastered. Lying on her back and sucking on her little toes while she cooed happily and then rolled over again to attack her toy turtle with her mouth, gnawing on it incessantly signaling she would be teething any time now.
When breakfast was finished, Sydney dragged Irina by the hand through the palace to the living room and plopped her down on the couch as Jack and Julian carrying Lena followed.
Sydney sat down beside Irina and picked up the remote, turning her body and curling her leg under the other to face her mother.
*Goodbyes*
"Mom, when I had my regression therapy and remembered your 'goodbye' to me that day of your Extraction, had remembered what you'd said, that you loved me to the moon and back more than the stars in the heavens and the grains of sand on Earth, forever and always…I remembered your love," She reached for Irina's hands as tears began pooling in both their eyes again, "What I mean is, in that memory, I remembered 'feeling' that love. Your love and it was powerful. I knew in that moment, that when you left, you loved me. You really did love me."
Irina nodded wiping at her own tears, and reaching out to catch Sydney's.
"But it was after the raid on your house in Rio and we found evidence that suggested you still loved me just that much, had always loved me, just as you promised. We found the DVDs and when Dad, Vaughn and I sat down and watched them, especially the last one, I knew without a doubt how much you really loved me…always had." Sydney choked on her tears feeling embarrassed now for, ever doubting her mother's love. "And how hard it was for you to leave. Not two seconds passed after it was over that we jumped off the couch and started making plans to come find you in St. Petersburg. I had to tell you that I knew the truth, that I remembered, that you always loved me. But more importantly," She inhaled a shaky breath squeezing her mother's fingers as tears ran rivers down both their cheeks, "I had to tell you, that I loved you. That I'd always loved you, forever and always." She smiled through the blinding tears, shaking her head trying to focus she forged on. "This film is the perfect representation of the love between a mother and daughter and I wanted to watch it with you. As it was the final spark of reason, that led us to find you that night, that led us where we are today."
Julian had no idea what Sydney was talking about but judging from Irina's reaction and the unshed tears in Jack's eyes, it had to be powerful.
"I would love nothing more, than to watch it with you, Sydney. The only thing that could make it more perfect…" Irina's voice caught and her breath faltered with pained emotion.
"Is if your mother were here." Sydney said softly; a fresh wave of tears washing over her seeing the pain in her mother's eyes; and remembering the harsh reality behind her grandmother's death. Her mother had lost her own mother, because of the love she had for her and her father. "To have Babushka Anya watching it with us." She said softly with a big sigh, pulling her mother into her arms. "I'm so sorry, Mom." She cried softly into her hair.
"She would be so happy for us, Sydney. To see us sitting her, together in a house she loved." Irina pulled back, smiling and wiping her tears. "And I think she's here," She put her closed fist over her heart and then Sydney's, "I see so much of her in you and in Lena, she will live on in you."
"And you." Sydney pointed out the most obvious one her mother neglected to mention. "Everyone, Alexei, Dmitri, Katya, Mikhail…Talia…everyone, Mom, says how much you are like your mother. That you are your mother's daughter." She smiled earning her a smile in return, "As people tell me I am yours and I couldn't be more proud to have you as my mother, to have people tell me that I am like you."
Irina was too emotional to say anything for a moment and grabbed Sydney into another forceful hug, never wanting to let her go.
"And I couldn't be more proud, than to have you as my daughter. I love you, Sydney."
Sydney would never tire of hearing her mother tell her she was proud of her or hearing her tell her she loved her. She pushed play and the song that spoke so much of the truths between the three women filled the room as their images flashed over the enormous screen.
Seeing the video now, after knowing the entire 'truth' that had taken so much time to find, changed the way Jack and Sydney 'saw' it. What had been emotionally touching for them the first time; was now immensely moving knowing what they did about Irina's love for her mother and child, especially watching it with her and seeing her reactions. She held Sydney's hand tightly through the entire thing, crying and smiling in unison as she watched.
Julian, once again, learned a new and greater depth to the love between Irina and her mother and between she and Sydney; thinking about how insanely hard it had to have been for her all those years he was with her, suffering in silence over the loss of her mother and child. He could 'see' the enormous amount of love shared between them on screen.
By the end, they all had tears in their eyes and now it was his turn to present Irina with her first Mother's Day gift from him.
"I guess I am up." Julian smiled nervously at the tear-streaked faces before him. Slowly he stood from his space on the chair; shifting Lena in his arm he walked toward Irina and held his hand out to her.
When she took hold of it with curious dark eyes, he knelt down before her on the couch and Jack and Sydney watched the interaction with rapt fascination, seeing Julian physically trembling with his nervousness and having no idea what he'd planned.
Irina felt him trembling and closed both her hands over his one finding his eyes with her warm gaze trying to comfort him seeing how nervous he was.
"You truly are the only mother I have ever known and this holiday, a celebration of mothers, is very important to me. I have never celebrated the occasion before; I have never had a reason to." Julian swallowed hard determined to keep looking into her eyes when he said this. "You have given me a reason and this day will always be sacred to me. As your son, celebrating it with you for the first time, I wanted to give you something from me. I wanted to tell you how much you've meant to me in the past, how much you mean to me now." Lena was hanging on to his ear and throat with her little hands when he reached behind him and retrieved beautifully wrapped box off the coffee table. "This isn't much." He swallowed hard, "But it is everything to me." He handed it to her carefully.
Irina saw the massive wells of unshed tears in his eyes and carefully removed the wrapping. Her own fingers trembled as she removed the tissue paper and reached in to remove an old, well worn red t-shirt that had the Soviet emblem blazed across the front. Irina gasped instantly with wide-eyes, looking at Julian, "Is this...?" She asked in barely above a whisper remembering this shirt well and what it meant.
"Yes." Julian smiled blinking back tears, "This is your shirt. The shirt you gave me to wear the very first night you brought me 'home.' You may not have been able to show me physical affection... but wearing this shirt, your shirt that night that smelled like you, and wrapped around my whole body...I felt safe and loved and wanted." His voice cracked and he inhaled his own sob as did she, tears pouring from her eyes in remembering. "We went shopping the next day to get me clothes and my own pajamas but this shirt, I slept in whenever I wanted to feel your love and remember that you cared enough to come back for me." He swallowed hard confessing this to her now, "And even when I outgrew being able to wear it," He laughed softly thinking about his teenage years, "I still slept with it under my pillow and carried it with me everywhere we went, all over the world." He let his tears fall, "But I no longer need the shirt to feel your love and to feel close to you. I have you, Mama." He addressed her for the first time in his life, forgoing the English Mum and American Mom and choosing the Russian Mama.
"Oh Julian," She gasped and pulled him to her tightly, hugging him as more tears flowed from her already red eyes. "I love you." Her heart simultaneously breaking and thundering in joy over his gift and what she had just learned from him. That he had longed for her for so long to be his mother and to feel her love that he took what he could from a shirt. Sydney was crying beside them relating more than ever to her new brother than ever before in hearing about the shirt. She too, had longed for her mother by holding onto old shirts of her mother's to feel that love and remember after she was gone, and Julian had done the same. Only he was living with the real live woman who was just a ghost and existing. She couldn't imagine how torturous that had to have been on him to live with the mother they both craved day in and day out and never be able to feel it or express it or receive it. His jealously towards her and her mother's love all these years even in her absence suddenly made a great deal more sense to her. While Irina was doing everything in her power to save and protect Sydney at all cost even absent from her physical life, Julian was sleeping with one of her old shirts in the room right next to hers, just hanging onto the scraps of whatever love he could get from her.
"There's more." Julian pulled back with a shy smile, wiping at his tears and nodding towards the box still in Irina's lap.
Irina was almost afraid to see what else may linger in the box and gasped loudly with instant tears when she removed the framed photo from the tissue paper. She'd never even seen it before but remembered a neighbor in their apartment block taking it not long after Julian had come to live with her. He was in her arms and both were smiling. It was the only photo that ever existed to her knowledge of them together when he was this little and her heart cried at just how little he was. Especially when looking at the red shirt in her hands and hearing how he'd kept the shirt and slept with it just to feel her love, all this time. He'd spent his whole life craving it and her and she sobbed, pulling him back to her chest to cry again. "I love you." She kissed his head, "I love you. I love you. And I'm so very sorry I couldn't tell you or show you more then."
"I know, Mama." He addressed her again with a smile and saw and heard her sharp intake of breath so overwhelmed to hear him call her that now and in being reminded of their past.
"Wherever did you find this?" She asked looking at the photo and then showing Jack and Sydney who were both crying themselves and stunned to see the photo of just how little Julian was in Irina's arms. And they both understood all the more the relationship between the two before them.
"Yelena gave it to me, right after she had taken it." He admitted quietly.
"You've had it all this time? All these years?" Irina gasped in astonishment that he had secretly held onto this photo as well.
"Yes." He nodded with a smile to see the genuine happiness in her eyes to have such a precious photo. "I made a copy to keep for myself but this is the original. And I want you to have it." He held her hand, "You changed my life, Mama."
"And you changed mine." She cried again, cupping his face and kissing his cheek again. "I love you, Julian. Thank you."
Lena reached for Irina and she took her baby in her arms, snuggling her tightly and then pulling Julian and Sydney to her again, hugging them all at the same time, for the first time.
Sydney and Julian forgetting any awkwardness the closeness might have normally brought to them and wrapped their arms around each other and Irina in order to sandwich her and Lena between them, knowing this was about their mother and never thinking otherwise.
"This is the best Mother's Day of my life. Thank you, all of you, for being everything I've always needed. And yes, that's 'need,' not 'want." She laughed softly and so did they, all having been well versed in Irina's lesson of the difference between need and want.
The following morning they had to travel to Moscow to take care of some last minute legal doctrines that needed to be signed to finish the shift in power from a democracy to a monarchy again. This was also the first time that Jack and Sydney had been inside the Kremlin outside of CIA missions, the first time ever seeing its hidden depths.
Lights of flashes went off on hundreds of cameras as Irina picked up the pen cast in pure gold and diamonds to sign the last of the documents, the official documents proclaiming her the legal Tsar of all Imperial Russia having been signed by every member of the Cabinet, the new Parliament, Vladimir as the former President and now Prime Minister. She smiled and with swift and elegant penmanship legally claimed the thrown of a now Imperial Russia. All that was left was the official Coronation in three short days.
Irina was flawless in the front of her Cabinet and the Public and Press and if Jack hadn't have been married to her, known her as well as he did, he too would have missed the one, very brief moment when Irina's hand shook as she took hold of the pen before reigning in her control.
Inside, Jack knew it was all really finally starting to sink if for her. She was nervous. Something he'd rarely seen and doubted few had ever. He and Sydney and Julian, the entire family were obviously nervous but Irina…she was the one they counted on not to be in her confidence; after all, she had been the ruler of Russia for years now.
Irina could feel Jack's eyes on her as she finished strapping Lena back into her car seat on board the plane from Moscow back to St. Petersburg. He knew her too well, knew she was a nervous wreck inside starting to unravel.
"Are you ok?" He asked softly, sliding into the seat beside them, clamping his hand down on her upper arm softly.
"Yes. I'm fine." She answered too quickly and not convincingly enough obviously when Jack cocked his head and arched his eyebrow at her, "Ok, I will be fine, is that better?" She breathed out quickly, agitated at herself for both being nervous and then snapping at her husband who was just concerned. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you." She gave him her sorrowful doe eyes at the same time Lena turned her attention to him with the same eyes, listening intently to her parents.
"I know you didn't. I love you. I just wanted to say that I love you." He smiled softly, leaning in to brush her lips softly with his own feeling the tension leave her body for just a second before it came rushing back when he started to pull away.
"I love you, too. I just…this is all," She couldn't find the right words to say, something that rarely happened and only added to the confirming fact of her inner turmoil to Jack.
"Overwhelming?" He found the word and she nodded with a soft smile.
"Irina. Jack." Vladimir and his wife came to sit by them, riding on the plane with them for the Coronation.
Their family was going to be staying at Alexander for the next few days and then at Peterhof with all the other foreign leaders, royal families and dignitaries who were already arriving for the celebration.
"She's just the perfect baby." He smiled looking over at Lena who was smiling contently at her mother in her car seat, snuggled under her blanket and already wearing her pajamas in this late hour.
"No arguments from me." Irina smiled happily, the stress leaving her temporarily looking down at her smiling Angel.
"She's just such a happy little traveler! Our girls were always screaming their heads off on flights. You're very lucky." Putin smiled running his finger over Lena's cheek getting her to smile.
"Yes, we are very blessed." Irina reached for Jack's hand and threaded their fingers with a smile. "Very blessed." She repeated softly looking from Lena who had now seized her finger to Jack thinking about their life and where they were now. They had gone through some of the worst tragedies and yet also received some of the greatest blessings…such was life.
By the time they arrived in St. Petersburg, it was late and driving home, they were amazed to see the thousands of people already lining the streets, sleeping outdoors just to get 'good seats' for when the Coronation procession went by.
Irina's eyes were held steadfast to the crowds in the dark looking through her tinted windows of the limo but only for a few minutes before it became over powering and she turned away, forcing back any tears.
Being the ever-brilliant hostess, Irina showed them to their rooms and greeted those who'd arrived in her absence. Mikhail and Bella had just arrived as well as Vaughn returning with his grandmother, uncle and aunt and cousins, all staying under her roof.
She sat up with them for a while after putting Lena to sleep in her nursery hearing the beautiful tale of the long awaited introduction of Bella to Mikhail's mother and family.
Katya, Marcelo, Sergei and Sophia had all flown to Moscow to be present at the signing; their presence required as official members of the First Imperial Family.
Those coming from America, including the President, First Lady and their daughters, and numerous other government officials all arrived in the morning with the First Family also staying at Alexander.
"Holy shit…" Kendall gaped quietly as the limo rolled by the millions of people already lining the streets for miles and miles as they made their way to the palace. He had flown in with Devlin and his wife, Weiss, Carrie, Marshal, Dixon and his children who were leaving the country for the very first time in their lives and over ecstatic at being a 'special guest' of the Imperial family.
The CIA had sent a Director Chase to take over JTTF while the majority of its agents attended the Coronation of a former prisoner and #6 on the Most Wanted List, something all of them found ironic.
"Oh wait 'til you see the palace." Weiss raised his eyebrows at Kendall grinning, thoroughly enjoying seeing his boss blanching at the scene before him. When the giant gates opened and thunderous rounds of cheering and clapping went up signifying to the people at least, that important people to the Tsar were arriving.
"Oh wow, Dad! Look at the size of this place! That's the biggest house I've ever seen!" Steven gushed with his face plastered against the limo's window when they pulled into the circular drive.
"You said it kid." Kendall couldn't believe what he was seeing, it literally was the biggest house he'd ever seen.
"They live here? They really, really live here, Daddy? Sydney and Irina really live here? This is Irina's castle?" Robin asked excitedly practically bouncing on her knees.
"One of many." Marshall smiled his famous grin nodding madly at the young girl.
"Yes, Pumpkin, this is where Irina lives and now. The whole family." Dixon smiled at his children's excitement feeling it to.
"This is just so…surreal." Kendall stepped out of the limo, staring up at the enormous palace before him and to the massive grounds surrounding it. "All the time we were looking for her…never would have thought to look for her here."
"That's because we had no idea who the hell she was! Who could have guessed that Irina Derevko would turn out to be Anastasia Romanov's daughter and heir to the throne of Russia?" Weiss laughed at Kendall as they followed the men in uniform to the house carrying their baggage.
"When dealing with Irina, we should have exhausted every possible scenario." Kendall stated seriously with brows knit.
"Well, it doesn't much matter now does it? Look at where we are and why we're here." Weiss slapped him on the back when they stepped into the massive foyer and he heard Kendall, Dixon and Carrie's collective gasps when they looked around. "And to think she gave all this up, turning herself into the CIA and that tiny glass cell for almost a year. You wouldn't even give her a pillow and blanket and now she's invited you to stay here, in her Imperial Palace sleeping on Egyptian Cotton with a massive thread count that feels like you're sleeping on 'butta." He laughed using his best Jersey accent in the slang.
"Eric!" Sophia came out of her room and saw him below and took off running down the hall and enormous staircase, launching herself into his arms kissing him deeply until Dixon coughed smirking, reminding them there were children present and it was suddenly climbing past PG-13 into R-Rated with the hand grabbing.
"Sorry." Sophia apologized while Weiss stood there trying to get his breath back after the incredible kiss, "I haven't seen him since he left Moscow two months ago…phone calls and web cams aren't enough."
"No they're a tease." Weiss muttered under his breath thinking about her 'live' stripteases for him over their web cam connection ala 'American Pie,' and grabbed his side when Sophia nudged him with her elbow.
"Hey, those are some faces I think I used to know!" Vaughn called out with a big smile as he, Sydney, and Jack came in from the kitchen.
"Like you could forget! We lived together for years and suddenly you're gone two months and about to marry some gorgeous Grand Duchess, move into a palace and you forget us little people! All those times I fed your dog!" Weiss huffed like he was mad and Vaughn laughed, grabbing him into a bear hug.
"I missed you, too, Buddy." Vaughn punched him in the arm making him wince before he moved on to greet the others.
"Where is everyone? Lena? I am dying to see her!" Carrie squealed with a smile, "She looks like she's gotten so big in the pictures Irina sends."
"She has. You won't believe it when you see her." Sydney smiled happily. "She's in the garden with President Bush, the First Lady, the Putins and Vaughn's parents. Katya is showing them around. I have no idea where anyone else is. I don't even know where Mom is. Do you know, Dad?" She turned to look at him and everyone else zeroed in on him as well.
"I have no idea. She disappeared about a half hour ago from the kitchen and I haven't seen her since." Jack shrugged with a soft smile.
Just as he said that, Irina opened the door to their room and came thundering down the steps looking at the ground obviously distracted by something, wasn't hard to guess what and everyone else, distracted by her…or rather her outfit.
She was dressed completely in black leather looking completely sexy and dangerous. Suddenly she looked up when she hit the bottom of the stairs and saw the group of people staring at her.
"Oh…Hello, everyone. Welcome." She smiled pulling out a pair of fingerless gloves from her back pocket and pulled them on. "I'm so happy that you could all join us and I look forward to visiting with you all. Pease make yourselves at home. Sydney," She turned to address her daughter with a smile, "Your clothes are upstairs in your room…meet me outside on the East lawn in 10 minutes." She winked at Sydney with a smile and Sydney's eyebrows shot up in surprise and curiosity.
"Irina, what are you doing?" Jack eyed her outfit nervously and then seeing the look in her eye, his blood pressure began to rise.
"I'm feeling restless, Sweetheart. I need an adrenaline fix." She flashed him her mega-watt smile, "I promised Sydney I would show her how I jumped the cars in Spain; today's the day."
"Yes!" Sydney squealed launching herself at Irina, wrapping her arms around her as she bounced and kissed her mother several times, "Thank you thank you thank you!"
"Go get changed." Irina raised her eyebrows at Sydney smiling and her daughter tore off up the stairs with wild abandon needing an adrenaline fix herself after retiring from the CIA.
"She's going to jump cars with the motorcycle again?" Steven asked excitedly looking around and then at his father. He'd seen the footage on the news and had delightedly told everyone in his class he 'knew her.'
"You can't be serious?" Jack couldn't believe what he was hearing nor could anyone else.
"Of course, I'm serious." Irina narrowed her eyebrows with a smile, kissing him on the cheek winking at the group as she went by towards the door.
"Irina!" Jack boomed drawing her attention and forcing her to stop only momentarily before she continued on her way, knowing he was going to try to talk her out of it and so he and everyone else followed.
"Irina…" He caught up to her half way across the lawn and grabbed her arm softly, turning her. "You can't do this. Tomorrow you are going to be crowned the Tsar of Imperial Russia! You can't go doing something crazy like this now!"
"Why not?" Irina asked defiantly. "Jack," She took a calming breath seeing that everyone was listening and watching with rapt attention. "I need this, ok?" Her eyes sought his for understanding…she was under a lot of pressure, she needed a familiar release. "I promise I won't kill myself or get Sydney hurt. That is why I am teaching her on dirt bikes in soft grass and dirt rather then street bikes and pavement and with stationary cars that are parked, not moving towards me at highway speeds." She cocked her eyebrow at him, capturing his lips in a smoldering kiss before he could object further and finally laughed when they heard Weiss yell, 'Yeah!'
"I can't stand by and watch you do this again. I almost had a heart attack the last time." Jack shook his head looking at her still stunned.
"Then don't stand. Pull up a folding chair and sit." She swatted his butt and climbed on her black motorcycle. "I already told Sergei, Viktor and Julian to set up chairs at the end of the run…that's what they are doing now." She smiled madly at his stunned face and slammed her foot down on the kick-start roaring the bike to life before tearing off in front of him.
"Holy crap! Holy shit! Fuck yeah!" Weiss went tearing through the gardens yelling with glee, "Oh sorry, Mr. President…First Lady, Ma'am...Prime Minister." He stumbled over their titles realizing when he ran into them what he was yelling.
"Mr. Weiss, what's going on that has you so excited?" Just as Katya asked the question with her daring eyes the distinct sound of a motorcycle dirt bike could be heard ripping through the air and in the blink of an eye a flash of black went tearing by them behind the trees.
"That!" He pointed happily at the culprit, "Irina's going to teach Syd how to jump the cars like she did in Spain!"
"She isn't…" Katya paled visibly in disbelief knowing her sister to well at times.
"Yes! She is! Right now, let's go!" He waved at them vigorously guiding them to the lawn chairs set up at the end of the massive East lawn were suddenly two small cars had been parked in a 'T' position, just as they had occurred naturally on that day in Spain. These cars were much smaller in size for safety sake and the purpose of teaching, they were exactly what Irina had wanted and so…her people delivered.
"Well, now you get to see our famous Irina up close and in action, Mr. President." Mikhail laughed nervously at his crazy friend.
Sydney came bounding out of the house moments later, decked out in the exact same outfit her mother was wearing only hers was a deep red. She was so excited she was literally jumping as she bound over to the group assembled.
Everyone who was staying at the house with them, including the servants and grounds keepers paused to watch this mother daughter death-defying lesson.
"Sydney," Vaughn grabbed her arm as she tore by him, the concern running rampant across his face, "You can't be serious about doing this! It's insane you're going to get hurt or worse…killed."
"Vaughn," She looked at him with a deviant smile and used her own 'teacher tone,' "Do you honestly think my mother would let me doing anything that could get me hurt or killed now?"
"No." He shook his head, knowing she was right, "But accidents happen."
"Yes, they do. But she is an expert and I'm not a novice to this game." She reminded him of her own remarkable skills.
"I know you're not. I've seen you do hundreds of insane things over the years but that doesn't stop me from worrying about you every single time." He gave her a shy nervous smile.
Sydney's smile lit her entire face looking at the sweet adoring man she was going to marry; she kissed him soundly on the lips.
"I won't get hurt. I promise. Trust me. Trust Mom." She gave him one more peck before walking the last couple of steps to straddle her bike. Irina came flying up beside her and threw her back tire, fanning out and sliding to a stop with a smile. Her blood pumping now after a few trips around the grounds.
"You ready?" Irina asked smiling madly, revving her bike.
"Yep. Let's do this." Sydney returned the smile.
"They're insane. Both of them." Jack shook his head and slumped down on the folding chair as the others chuckled.
"They're adrenaline junkies." Weiss clarified and everyone kept laughing.
"I can't imagine how they are going to be content to live a life of fancy dresses and tea parties." Kendall shook his head along with Jack.
"Isn't that what they did before? Getting dressed up and attending parties. Only there was secret stealing going on behind the scenes?" Devlin smiled and everyone burst out laughing nodding along that he was right.
"Alright, Sweetheart. I'm going to do go through it once for you first so you can watch and then I will talk you through it on your headset when its your turn, ok?" Irina placed her hand over Sydney's on the handle-bars, "You sure you want to do this?"
"Yeah. I really want to." Sydney's voice took on a pleading tone, worried her mother would rethink this idea and not show her after all.
"Ok." Irina smiled widely and revved her bike, "Then let the fun begin." She gunned the bike and turned around to head back down the starting point way on the other side of the lawn.
*Where's Your Head At?*
"Irina!" Jack jumped up screaming her name over the roaring buzz of her engine. She flipped her hair over her shoulder and turned back to look at him with an enigmatic smile. "Your helmet!" He grabbed it off the hood of the front car and threw it over to her shaking his head and everyone burst into hysterics again at the hysterical couple.
"Thank you, Sweetheart!" Irina caught the flying black object and pulled it over her head quickly before tearing away.
"Buckle it!" He screamed after her when he saw she hadn't taken the time to do it and everyone laughed harder.
"Jack, Jack, Jack. Have you forgotten who you're married to?" Julian laughed, slapping him on the shoulder when he sat down beside him, finding an ease with him now but still not able to call him Dad yet. It would come with more time but for now, they were both comfortable with just 'Jack.' "You're lucky she even put it on. She normally doesn't wear one and the fact that she is for you now, speaks of how much she loves you." He smiled widely and there was a mixture of 'awes' and laughter.
"She's going to do what?" Talia screeched from behind them as Vaughn guided his grandmother to one of the chairs, her face ashen at hearing what Irina had planned on doing. "Oh Sweet Jesus." She crossed herself in prayer. "Her mother was outgoing and adventurous but Irina, she's thee extreme!"
"Yes, Mother, she is!" Mikhail laughed, grasping her soft hand in his, "But that's why we love her so and she makes life fun and interesting again!"
"Here she comes!" Marshall peered down green seeing the tiny ball of black moving towards them at great speed and gradually getting bigger as the sound increased with her nearness.
"Oh dear God." Kendall sucked in a breath when she was a few feet away, using her arms and heels, kicked the bike up and back onto its rear tire, "Ho-ly shit!" He gasped as did everyone else when she ramped off the little red car and flew over both cars at lightening speed and height, landing gracefully on her back tire in the grass before pushing forward and landing the front tire, the control much easier with this lighter bike.
"She's just fricking amazing! Hands down, she's the bomb!" Weiss laughed and clapped loudly whistling when Irina turned back towards them, everyone jumping to their feet clapping and cheering while Jack sighed in relief shaking his head.
"I couldn't do that." Laura Bush gasped in shock over the woman tearing towards them in black, the same woman that tomorrow would be crowned the Empress of Russia…and she'd just bore witness to her flying through the air over cars on a motorcycle with wild abandon.
"I don't think most people could, Honey. I know I couldn't." The President laughed softly, kissing his wife's cheek.
"Awesome." Weiss smiled at Irina when she slid to a stop just in front of them, whipping her helmet off and flinging her long mane over her shoulder with a smile. He eagerly reached out and gave her a high five.
"Thank you. Sweetheart," She glanced over to Sydney, "Your turn. Don't worry…piece of cake." She winked at her as Sydney kick started her bike and tore in a circle up the green to the starting point.
"I swear you're going to give me a heart-attack, woman!" Jack remained shaking his head as Irina laughed making him smile when she hit him with her playful seductive eyes.
"Ok, Mom I'm ready." Sydney could be heard coming through the Com in Irina's helmet and she pulled it out, putting it over her ear to talk her daughter through it.
"Alright, Sweetheart…When I say 'when,' I want you to rev it up as far as you can go. When I tell you to pull up on your rear tire I want you to jerk the bike up with you…it will be easy with the bike's light weight. Keep your body centered over the bike, heels firmly on the pegs and arms slightly bent but remaining pulling back so the front tire is in the air." Irina brushed her hair behind her ear and everyone listened to her instructions using a mixture of her soothing mother and no-non-sense teacher tones. "While you're in the air clearing the cars I want you looking for the place you're coming down at…make certain your back tire hits that mark and grabs before you lean forward and relax your weight alright?"
"Ok." Sydney took a deep breath feeling her blood thundering through her body with excitement.
"Well now you get to see what your future daughter-in-law can do." Weiss smiled boldly at Mikhail and Amelie, who was wearing a look of intrigue, amazement and terror.
"Alright Sydney. Hit it!" Irina instructed holding her fingers over her ear piece as Sydney came flying towards them. "Up!" Irina yelled when she hit the mark and Sydney followed the direction immediately and was doing a wheelie for a few feet before launching off the front of the car, soaring through the air. "Knees and arms bent! Find that mark!" Irina commanded while Sydney was still in the air and everyone held their breath watching in slow motion as Sydney's back tire hit the ground and then the front. "Good job, Sweetheart!"
"I knew she could do it!" Irina smiled proudly watching Sydney circle and come back to them.
"Like mother like daughter." Devlin laughed, grasping Jack's shoulder, "You married a helluva woman, Jack. Best of luck to you there!" He laughed harder and Irina's eyes flitted to his with a dangerous playful gleam.
"That was awesome!" Sydney was yelling with bright eyes before she stopped the bike and took her helmet off. Tucking the protective gear under arm with a smile she shook out her own long locks riding her adrenaline wave. "Let's do it again!"
Irina threw her head back laughing, her daughter really was just like her with her severe addiction to adrenaline.
"Ok, one more time." Irina gave in smiling, kicking her bike starting it again she moved it closer a few feet to Jack and leaned over, pulling him towards her and crashing her lips to his. "Last one, today. I promise." She giggled, brushing her nose with his feeling very alive at the moment, "I love you."
Irina drove him crazy, but he loved her with every fiber of his being and it was this 'craziness' that was part of her electricity, part of her that he loved. She stuck her helmet back on and tore off with Sydney. The two of them jumped the cars one more time each before doing good on their promise and stopping for the day.
Irina once again disappeared after dinner and Jack searched the palace everywhere but couldn't find her. Finally giving up searching by himself, and getting worried about her, knowing how stressed she was, he made his way into the family room filled with people and laughter as they talked excitedly about tomorrow.
"Have any of you seen Irina?" Jack broke through the laughter and everyone turned their' attention to him.
"You lost her again?" Devlin asked with laughing eyes, "You have a hard time hanging on to her."
"So it seems." Jack shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest.
"I saw her about forty-five minutes ago." Viktor offered from the back of the room, "She was leaving with Dmitri. Said she was stepping out for a little while to 'clear her head and get some advice." He shrugged his eyebrows and his shoulders having no idea what she was talking about, "I have no idea what that means but she said not to worry."
"Get some advice?" Jack repeated in question his own eyebrows narrowing thinking about where she could have gone and to 'whom' for this advice. "What does that mean? Who would she be going to for advice right now?"
"Irina's only every really sought advice from one person." Katya's eyes lit up and then saddened with realization, "Mama. She went to see her."
"What?" Jack looked at her still confused for a moment then it registered. "At St. Peter and Paul's?" He asked to clarify, intending to go find her, knowing that for her to go, she must really be upset.
"Yes." Katya nodded softly; and everyone's happy disposition suddenly left, thinking about Irina leaving in the night to visit her mother's tomb seeking advice from beyond.
"That's where the entire family is entombed, isn't it?" Marshall asked softly and everyone's eyes darted to his and he sunk down into the couch feeling as though he shouldn't have asked.
"Yes." Katya answered softly again, giving him a smile and a reprieve.
"I have a question. If the KGB…and they found Anastasia's body in a…how did they…never mind." He shook his head, "I shouldn't have asked."
"Are you asking how they found my mother's body in Ekaterinberg near where the rest of her family died? When she didn't until she was murdered by the KGB for Rina's refusal?" She spat out quietly and rapidly shaking her head, "The KGB dumped her body there…knowing the rest of the family was in that area somewhere and if her body was found near where the rest of the family was killed, they wouldn't suspect anything. Believe her to have perished with them. Irina was the one who hired the excavation teams to start looking in that area, not only for Mama…but for all of them. She found them and in order for them to be given the burial they deserved, and not shroud an already terrible tragedy with more darkness of inquisitions into another wrongful death and years of lies by the Soviet Government. She made it seem as though our mother had died when she was seventeen years old with the rest of her family, that they all died together so that they could all be buried together and finally have peace. It was something our mother always wanted, was always terribly saddened by. The thought of her family buried somewhere in an unmarked grave to be lost and forgotten. Rina fulfilled our mother's life long wish by finding them."
"Oh…I see." Marshall gulped.
"I'm going to find her. Be back in a while." Jack turned on his heel determined.
"He left quickly." Weiss nodded softly at Jack's retreating form.
"He's worried about Mom. She's obviously stressed out which isn't good for her on many levels." Sydney answered softly.
*Science and Religion*
When Jack walked into the enormous cathedral he saw his wife kneeling in the front of the enclosed tombs at the altar. Her bodyguards watching closely from the corners, sides and backs nodding at Jack with solemn eyes when they saw him walking quietly up the aisle. The closer he got, he could see her arms were folded on the metal barricade fence enclosure, her head buried face down in her arms, completely still.
"Irina," He called out to her softly before closing the final distance, not wanting to scare her by touching her if she hadn't heard his approach.
Her eyes had been closed, hidden under her arms and flew open when she heard Jack's voice, not realizing how much time must have passed. Slowly, she lifted her head to look at him as he stood beside her, then knelt to her level, looking at her with sad loving eyes when he saw her red eyes and tear stained cheeks.
"I couldn't find you. Katya told me…she thought you might be here." He spoke softly, and with respect for his surroundings. "She thought you might be talking to your mother." His eyes left hers briefly to scan the casket tombs before them, a horrible sadness washing over him taking away his breath with the reality of their deaths, seeing their tombs for the first time.
"Jack, this is my mother, Anastasia...'Anya" Irina nodded to the white tomb in front of her with a golden cross, "Mama," Her voice cracked, "This is, my Jack." She smiled through her tears, "I've wanted the two of you to meet for a long time; this is as good as we're going to get, I guess." She shrugged sadly as another round of tears rushed over her eyes.
Behind that thick layer of marble lay the remains of Irina's mother, her mother who was executed because she wouldn't leave America, leave he and Sydney. A woman who knew she was about to die and her parting words to her beloved daughter had been to follow her heart, telling her she understood why she didn't want to leave them and gave her blessing.
"She sounded incredible." He looked back at his wife with tears building in his own eyes, "I would have liked to have known her and I would thank her," He moved forward and dropped fully onto his knees beside Irina, brushing her hair over her ear and wiping her tears, "For giving me two miracles: you, " He smiled softly, "And time for a second chance for us."
Irina smiled and felt more tears coming, he was incredible.
"Talk to me, Irina. Tell me what you're thinking and we'll figure it out together." He ran his hand down the back of her head, smoothing her hair. "I know this is about tomorrow."
"It's not about tomorrow." She breathed out a big sigh, trying to collect herself, she rocked back on her heels and stood, moving to sit in the first pew. "I mean it is and it isn't."
"Ok," Jack followed her, waiting for her to go on as he sat beside her, wanting to crush her into his arms and take away whatever was making her so upset but knowing she needed some space.
"Jack, I don't know if I can do this. Be the Tsar of Russia." She finally voiced the fear that had been growing quietly.
"What do you mean? Irina..." He was surprised to hear what she was saying.
"I don't know if I can do it, Jack. To be responsible for millions of lives. The future of my country. I don't know that I am the right person for this." Her eyes remained locked on her mother's tomb.
"I think you have your answer." He said quietly and her head whipped to his. "Irina, you just said, my country and your concerns are for the wellbeing of your people, realizing what an enormous responsibility this is and you're afraid you're going to make mistakes." He threaded his fingers over the back of her hand. "You admitted to me on Mother's Day, that when you were pregnant with Sydney, you had fears of failing. Of making mistakes before she was even born."
"And I did. God, Jack, look at the mistakes I made with her! I abandoned my child! I failed her in the worst way! How can I not be concerned that I will fail all of them, too?" Irina's eyes were intense through their red puffiness, her voice rising and falling with her emotions.
"You didn't abandon, Sydney."
"Yes, I did."
"No... you didn't. I wish I had never used that word with you as it seems to have stuck. I know now that you were faced with the most difficult choice of your had to chose between saving our lives…Sydney's life, your daughter's life!" He stressed his point, turning her face towards him softly, "Or staying and risking it knowing they just murdered your mother for your refusal…you did the most unselfish, selfless act I could ever imagine. You gave up your child. Gave up knowing your child, so that she could live. That's not abandoning her, Irina, you loved her more then anything and you put her needs before your own no matter how much it hurt you. That is 'why' you are such an phenomenal mother." Jack searched her eyes, and wiped the new tears with his thumb, "You are worried for all the right reasons. That is a sign of a good ruler. Someone who cares this much about her people to take a step back and ask, 'am I the right person for this job?' It's not about the power for you or the title or the position. It's about the people, the country as a whole. You are exactly what they need. You are willing to put their best interests before your own. You have no ulterior motives but to love them and support them, guide them into a better life, the same way you are with our children. That is why the people want you, to be 'Mother Russia."
Irina looked away, digesting all that he said.
"You've already been doing it for years, Irina. You've been Mother Russia for almost 14 years. You're going to be doing the same things you've always done." He moved her face back to his and kept his hand framing the side looking deeply into her brown pools, drowning with every beat of his heart. "And I am going to be there, right by your side. Whenever you need me; I'll be there to help in whatever way I can. I support you all the way, Irina. You know in your heart, you were born for this." He paused swallowing hard when she blinked slowly and new warm tears ran down her cheeks, "That is why you came here tonight, to this place, the resting place of all the Tsars that came before you. Your mother...you came here, to seek her advice; which you already know is inside you, because she's a part of you. You are her legacy and this is your destiny. I really believe that; and I know, you know it, too. Don't doubt yourself, Irina."
"And if I fail, Jack?" Her voice quivered with emotion even as she spoke resolutely.
"You won't fail. You can't fail at this. You haven't failed at this for the last nearly 14 years!" He smiled running his thumb over her cheekbone. "You've learned from the mistakes of the past, Irina, yours and others' and you're using the wisdom you gained from them, to push forward and succeed where others fail because they didn't learn from the past mistakes. They kept repeating them over and over. You won't fail."