Mourning

"Bomb is in position! We're all set here!"

"Commander, can you read me?" Ash's voice came through the comm.

"The nuke is almost ready. Get to the rendezvous point, Williams!" Shepard ordered.

"Negative, Commander." We could hear shots and fighting in the background. "The geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We're taking heavy casualties. We'll never make the rendezvous point in time!"

Shepard closed her eyes, scowling. Fuck, she mouthed, before pressing her hand to her ear. "Get them out of there, Joker! Now!"

"Negative! It's too hot! Can't risk it! We'll hold out as long as we c –"

"Williams! Williams, do you copy?"

"It's okay, Commander. I need a couple of minutes to finish arming the bomb! Go get them and meet me back here!"

I could see doubt in her eyes for one brief second, before she squashed it down. "Are you sure?" she whispered.

I only nodded.

"Up to the AA tower!" She motioned for the rest of the squad to follow her. "Move!"

They took off immediately, running towards the tower, while I got to work on the bomb with the rest of the marines. I focused solely on arming this nuke, effectively blocking out the sounds of fighting, and Shepard's voice shouting out orders. I was almost done when I heard one of the marines.

"Reinforcements! We better hurry."

I looked up to see a geth cruiser landing a couple hundred meters away. Hundreds of geth dropped from the ship, swarming us. I took cover, before trying to capture some in a stasis field, while lifting and throwing others around and shooting them. It wasn't working; there were too many of them!

"Heads up, LT! We just spotted a troop ship heading to your location."

"It's already here! There's geth pouring out all over the bomb site!"

"Can you hold them off?" Shepard's voice rang through the comm.

"There's too many! I don't think we can survive until you get here!"

It wasn't until I'd said those words that it hit me how dire the situation was. I was going to die. Here. Right now. But I would do it to help Shepard stop Saren. I would blow up this disgusting facility and a portion of his geth army. I could live with that.

"I'm activating the bomb!"

"Alenko, what are you doing?!"

"I'm just making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what!" I ran towards the bomb and activated it before she could argue. "It's done, Commander. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here!"

I felt my heartbeat in my ears, adrenaline coursing through me. I was scared, but at least I knew Shepard must be close to Williams and soon they'd all be gone. She'd be safe. She'd live and save the galaxy.

"Screw that! We can handle ourselves! Go back and get Alenko!" Ash argued.

There was a tense silence that seemed to last forever, before Shepard's heavy voice came through. "Alenko… radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site."

What?!

I felt as if I'd been hit in the stomach, weak and unable to breathe. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears, could feel a migraine coming on. I had to get a hold of myself!

"Yes, Commander… I – I…"

"You know it's the right choice, LT!"

"Ash…" Shepard's voice was heavy with grief. "I'm so sorry. I had to make a choice."

"I understand, Commander." She sounded incredibly calm, almost… at peace. "I don't regret a thing."

I wanted to say something, anything, but the words didn't come to me. I realized there was nothing I could say... And nothing I could do but take down as many of these geth bastards before Shepard got here.

Drawing energy from my anger, my grief, my sorrow, my biotics seemed to engulf me as I began hitting geth after geth with them. A small part of me knew I was pushing myself too hard, but I just couldn't seem to care. All I wanted was to kill every single son of a bitch that crossed my path.

Moments later, Shepard and the squad came barging in, the Commander's fierce war cry breaking the noise of the shooting. It seemed to take the geth by surprise, though it didn't last long. She tore through every single one of them, shooting every single one of them with her multiple weapons, leaving a whirlwind of destruction in her path.

It wasn't until every single geth was dead on the floor, that Shepard seemed to deflate. She was breathing heavily, an ugly gash on her cheek, eyes unfocused. Her eyes met mine for a split second before both of us looked away.

Now that she was here… reality sank in, for both of us. She chose me. I would live and Ash would die, because Shepard chose me. Because of us.

I didn't have much time to dwell on it though, before Saren finally made his appearance. He swooped down on us, throwing multiple biotic attacks from his hovercraft.

He floated down with all the grace of an asari matriarch. Shepard tried to talk him down as he ranted on about Reapers and how we should submit to them or face extinction. She tried to make him see that he was wrong, that he was indoctrinated, that he was only a pawn for Sovereign. For a moment, I thought she had gotten through to him, as the turian hesitated just a bit. But no. He refused to listen and all hell broke loose.

He began shooting biotic beams at us, one of them knocking me down near the bomb. I hit my head hard enough to leave me dizzy, my vision blurry and unfocused, and my back and side aching. I tried to lift my head, my eyes scanning desperately for Shepard despite the blur. I saw how Saren had her by her throat raised two feet in the air. She was clawing at his wrist, and I tried desperately to get up, to summon my biotics, but my body wouldn't cooperate. Shepard lifted her fist and punched Saren square in the jaw. He let her go and took a few steps back, dazed, as Shepard fell to the ground, gulping air into her lungs. She crawled to reach her gun as Saren ran back to his hovercraft.

Then Shepard was in front of me, offering her hand and urging me to get up. I took it and she pulled me up, and I groaned from the sharp pain on my side. I think I may have broken a couple ribs. She pulled my arm over her shoulders as she helped me walk towards the Normandy.

"Garrus, get him to the medbay now!" she yelled as she handed me to the turian before running for the elevator, probably off to the cockpit.

I felt numb, was in some sort of daze all the while Dr. Chakwas saw to me. Just as she was finishing bandaging my torso, Shepard called for a debriefing in the comm room. I stood up slowly, making my way there with Liara's help.

Milla looked absolutely exhausted, her eyes glassy and red rimmed, the gash on her cheek now dry with caked blood. She looked at me when I came in, her eyes flashing a different million emotions, all raging from relief to guilt to sadness. I let go of Liara and made my way to her, never breaking eye contact. She gave me an almost imperceptible shake of her head before gesturing to sit down.

"Did you get your side seen to?"

"Uh, yeah. Just a couple of bruised ribs."

"Okay. Good."

As everyone else came inside, I couldn't help but look to Ash's seat.

Empty.

So very empty.

Shepard began speaking, directly addressing Ash's death.

"… and she was a good soldier, but more than that, a good friend. We will remember her and honor her memory and sacrifice." At her pause, I looked to her and saw she was barely holding it together. "I will inform her family personally."

"Shepard…" Garrus began.

"No. I'm fine." She cut him off. "Now, about the beacon…"

She and Liara joined minds again, a chill running down my back when the asari told her to embrace eternity. After their joining, Liara deduced the Conduit was on Ilos, before feeling faint. Without further ado, Shepard dismissed us and asked Joker to patch her in to the Council.

I didn't leave after dismissal. It was like I was glued on the spot.

"Joker, hold on a minute." I heard her say. "Kaidan."

She came and sat next to me. I saw her reach for my hand before pulling back, the silence stretching on between us.

"I – I just… can't believe that Ash didn't make it."

Milla laid her elbows on her knees and brought her face down to her hands, blowing out a deep breath. "Williams knew the risks going in. She gave her life to save the rest of us."

I could hear the defensiveness in her tone, just as I felt my anger simmering beneath the surface.

"But why me? Why not her?"

Milla finally raised her gaze to look at me. "If you were anybody else, I'd tell you it was because you're the higher ranking officer, you have more combat experience, and it just makes tactical sense." She looked away, steeling herself. "But I won't lie to you. Ever. I'm sorry, Kaidan. I'd never leave you behind. I couldn't. You know that."

Her tear filled eyes pleaded with me to understand, but I couldn't. Not right now. Everything was too fresh, too raw. I mean, honestly if I'd been the one to have to make the call, I'd have saved her too. Because… I loved her. But that didn't change anything. It didn't help with the pain, the grief, the guilt. Ash died because of me! Because of how Shepard felt about me! Because of this – this… thing, whatever this was, between us.

"I know. But Ash died because of me. Because of us."

"Don't!" She interrupted harshly. Her hands were balled into fists, and she was trembling. "Ash died because of Saren! He's the only one to blame here." She stood. "Now… if you'll excuse me, I have to report to the Council."

"I – I… yes, ma'am."

I stood and headed straight for my pod, just looking to be alone. Once inside, grief and exhaustion took over me as I cried myself to sleep.

A few days later, we were on our way to the Citadel, as the Council commanded. I hadn't seen Milla since that day in the comm room. If I was honest, I'd admit I was avoiding her, and she was probably avoiding me.

As I replayed the conversation in my head, I realized how… accusatory I must have sounded. Hell, it sounded like I blamed her for Ash's death, like it was her fault for choosing me because of… whatever we had. No wonder she was so defensive. I knew I should apologize, but I was still working up the nerve to do so.

And I wanted to hold her, desperately. Once I cleared my head – once I was able to look past my own grief – I realized this must be hard on her as well. It's never easy to make those kinds of calls, and Ash was a friend to her as well… It hit me then how tough it must be for her – to have to keep a straight face and push herself forward. To not be able to cry or scream or properly mourn your friend, because you're the Commander and you have to keep it together for your crew, for the mission. And here I was… wallowing in self pity and guilt, blaming her for saving my life. God, I'm an ass.

That night, I waited up until most of the crew fell asleep, before heading to her cabin. The holo lock was green, but I still decided to knock. No one answered, so I just let myself in. Maybe she was in the bathroom or something. If she really wanted to be alone, she'd have locked her door. But once I stepped inside, I realized the cabin was empty.

There was only one place I could think of where Milla might be. I ran towards the elevator, pushing the "down" button and waiting for the torturously slow elevator to begin its descent. I could hear the thumping before the doors even opened.

There she was, taking all her anger and frustration out on the punching bag. She was completely zoned in, her fists making contact with the bag so quickly that they were almost invisible. The bag was moving and swaying with every brutal hit it received, but she kept going at it, a thin sheen of sweat covering her forehead.

She was so focused she didn't look up as I walked to her and held the bag in place for her. It was then when Milla's eyes cleared and she seemed to see me. She looked so sad, so… defeated. It made my heart ache to see that hopeless look in those usually vibrant eyes.

She broke eye contact before long, resuming her assault on the bag. I grunted with every hit, making a tremendous effort to keep the bag in place. She refused to meet my eyes, but I kept mine on her face.

"Stop… staring… at… me." She said through gritted teeth.

I said nothing, just openly disobeyed her order, and she launched into an even harder series of combinations, making me hold on to the bag for dear life. Tears began to trickle down her face and I swung the bag out of the way in one quick motion, standing in front of it and catching her in my arms just as she faltered.

It was then she finally broke. I held her tight as she sobbed into my neck, her fists balled tightly in my shirt. Her small frame rocked with each sob, and she began to collapse slowly as if all energy was leaving her body. I pressed her closer to me before sitting down on the floor, cradling her. I rubbed her back and whispered soothing words into her ears, just letting her cry out all her stress. As her sobbing began to subside, I stood and carried her to the elevator, absolutely refusing to let her go. Not that she put up a fight, anyway. I carried her all the way into her cabin, before laying her down on her bed. For a moment there, I'd thought she'd fallen asleep in my arms, but as soon as I moved to stand, she grabbed my wrist.

"Please… don't go." She whispered.

A million thoughts raced in my mind, thoughts of crossing boundaries and of frat regs, of how it would look to the crew if they saw me leaving the Commander's cabin in the morning…

"I need… your warmth."

Before I knew it, I was climbing into bed with her, not a thought in my mind. She immediately snuggled closer to me, holding me tightly against her as she buried her face in my chest. I was sure she would be able to hear the frantic beating of my heart, but before long her breathing evened out and she was fast asleep. I pressed my lips to her head before feeling my eyelids droop. As the exhaustion of today caught up to me, I let myself close my eyes and sleep.

"Kaidan." A tender voice whispered, lulling me from sleep. I felt a small shove on my shoulder and groaned. "Kaidan, wake up."

I turned, pulling my pillow over my head, and heard a soft chuckle. Wait… pillow? The pods don't have pillows. I opened my eyes slowly, waiting as they adjusted to the dim lighting. The first thing I saw was a clock on a dresser that blinked 5 am. Just like that, last night's events came crashing back to me, and I sat up to find Milla by the edge of the bed, a cup of coffee on her hands. Her long hair was wet, and the smell of her shampoo – something coconutty and tropical – wafted in the air.

"Hey." Her eyes were still red and puffy.

"Hey." I said, surprised by how hoarse my voice was.

"I brought you coffee."

"Thanks." I accepted the cup, it's smell wafting up to me, filling my nostrils and instantly waking me up.

"Listen, abou–"

"How're you d–"

We both grinned sheepishly at the other, and Milla laughed nervously.

"You go." I told her.

"No, I mean… I just wanted to thank you… for last night. And apologize. I'm sorry you had to see that."

I drew my brows together in a frown. "Milla…" I reached for her and she pulled away. "Milla."

"No." She shook her head. "I shouldn't have done that, broken down like that. Not in front of a subordinate."

A subordinate? Really? I couldn't help but scoff. "A subordinate? Is that all I am?"

"When we're on duty, yes."

"Well, we weren't on duty last night."

"But still… you shouldn't have – I shouldn't have –"

"Shouldn't what? Have feelings? Emotions?" I set the coffee down and went to her, placing my arms firmly on her shoulders. "You're allowed to be human, Milla. To feel the loss of your friend. To need comfort."

Her head drooped. "You're only human, Milla." She opened her mouth to protest, but I kept talking. "You don't always have to be the Commander. Not around me, anyway. You can come to me with anything, Milla, and I'll be here. You can count on me for anything."

"Thank you." She whispered as she pressed herself against my chest and I wrapped my arms around her. She sniffled before pulling back, rubbing her hands over her eyes.

"I should go." She nodded. "Wouldn't want the crew to see me leaving the Commander's cabin."

"Yeah." One corner of her mouth quirked in a small sad smile.

Her eyes met mine and I made no move to leave. It was like I was glued to the spot, transfixed on all the emotions that played in those deep brown eyes.

"How are you doing? Considering…"

"I'm…" I couldn't help sighing. "I'm dealing. Milla, listen. I'm sorry for everything I said back there. Adrenaline, I guess."

"Kaidan, it's okay."

"No, it's not!" I cut her off harshly, her eyes widening at my tone. "I'm sorry. It's just… I was out of line. I mean, i-it… it almost sounded like I was blaming you. And it wasn't your fault. It was Saren's."

She took a deep breath and exhaled. "Kaidan, really. I understand. I hate loosing people too." She whispered.

"I've served for years, but never lost a soldier under my command. Not to hostile action, anyway." Milla reached for my hand and interlaced her fingers with mine. "I-If you don't mind me asking, how did you deal with the losses on Elysium?"

She brought my hand to her lips before walking to her desk. Beneath a pile of datapads, she unearthed a small notebook – an actual, paper notebook. My eyebrows rose as she handed it to me.

"Open it."

I met her eyes hesitantly and she nodded. The first page was blank. The second page contained what seemed to be a never ending list of names. I skimmed through the pad, and for the next seven pages were the names of everyone she'd lost in her lifetime, along with dates and different quotes or descriptions.

Victor Shepard, 10/21/2170, "You can't find a fighter, but I see it in you. Rise up."

Virginia Shepard, 10/21/2170, "Good night, sleep tight. I love you."

Sebastian Shepard, 10/21/2170, "I want mashed potatoes with french fries!"

I couldn't help but huff a small laugh at that, and she gave me a knowing look.

"He was 11. And he liked mashed potatoes and fries." She shrugged.

Eryck Brito, 10/21/2170, "Fight or flight. It's that simple. It's basic human instinct. Whenever you feel scared, choose. You fight or you run. So? What'll it be?"

The names, dates and quotes kept going, few of them catching my eye.

Elizabeth Moreno, 07/04/2176, "There's nothing that can't be solved with a nice cup of tea and chocolate… or some type of fried food covered in cheese."

Bryan Willems, 07/04/2176, "I swear, Shep, you ever need anything, I've got your back. But, you know… do it, call me. It's okay to ask for help." I couldn't help but roll my eyes at this one. I'm sorry, Bryan, but seven years later, she still doesn't know how to ask for help.

I kept on reading, noticing the dates – the last two were probably with her on Elysium – slowly turning the pages, making sure to read every name out of respect, until I finally reached Jenkins' name. Under his, was Nihlus'.

Nihlus Kryik, 03/28/2183, "You are extraordinary, Camilla Shepard."

There, with that one line, all the suspicions I had that night at Purgatory were confirmed. I looked up to find Milla's eyes on me, carefully neutral, yet attentively watching my reaction.

"It was Nihlus… wasn't it? The turian you..."

"Yes."

"I saw… I saw how he looked at you. How you looked at him. I remember, before Eden Prime…"

"Ah." She huffed a self deprecating laugh. "And here I thought I was so subtle." She shook her head. "We met last year, on a mission. He was there as a Spectre, I was there for the Alliance, both investigating a base we thought to be Cerberus. When I introduced myself… he knew me. He'd heard of me… of the Blitz. After the mission was over, we just sort of started hanging out… spending our free time together."

I wasn't surprised by the flicker of jealousy that wove its way through me, listening to her speaking of him with such warmth in her voice.

"He was the one who nominated me for Spectre candidacy. I thought it had been Anderson or Udina, but no. It was him. I was so angry at him. I asked him if he'd done that because we were… well, we weren't together, not really. I guess we never really defined what were. But he said no. He said he admired me deeply, for the Blitz… for Mindoir. For my 'drive to protect the innocent and hold the line'. He always said I would be a great Spectre."

"Did you love him?" I asked, knowing it was a pretty invasive question. But I had to know.

"No…" She shook her head. "No, I don't think I did. I definitely cared for him though. Maybe, if we'd had more time together, then I might have fallen for him. But no… I didn't love him."

Relief flooded my entire body, and I couldn't help but smile. Shepard looked at me before turning her eyes back to the ground, and I turned my eyes back to the final name on the page.

Ashley Williams, 05/26/2183, "You say jump, I'll say how high. You tell me to kiss a turian, I'll ask which cheek."

Tears filled my eyes, but I let out a small laugh.

"She said that?"

"Yeah..." Milla's lips quirked up in a small, sad smile.

It sounded like her.

"So, to answer your question… I vowed to do better. It was my job to get everyone out safe. I failed. I vowed not to let that happen again. Same here. I'll remember her, and I'll do better for her. For all of them."

"Yeah… I guess that's all we can do."

She nodded and I handed her back the tiny notepad.

"I should go."

She hummed in assent.

I stood there awkwardly, my arm unconsciously moving to wipe my forehead.

"Bye, Milla."

"Goodbye, Kaidan."

I took my coffee mug, and with one final look in those deep brown eyes, I left her cabin.