The Night Before Ilos

"Two timing, power grabbing, ass kissing son of a bitch!"

Joker snorted, and I sighed as we heard Shepard's multiple expletives through the open comms, cursing Udina as she took out all her frustration with him and the Council out on that poor punching bag. The meeting with the Council hadn't gone well, to say the least. Even after all the evidence we had against Saren, the Council refused to send the fleet after him. They ordered it to standby to protect the Citadel in case Saren decided to attack, and they grounded the Normandy. Shepard had been fuming by the time the meeting was over, staring daggers at anyone who dared get in her way. I still didn't know how she'd managed to have enough self control and not punch Udina in the face. Even I couldn't stop myself from blurting out an accusation in the middle of the meeting.

Shepard continued working the bag, until we heard a loud rip and thud.

"Fuck!"

Joker and I looked at each other as Shepard let out a whiny, "No…"

"Uh, Commander?"

We heard as she took a deep breath and let it out. "Yes, Joker?"

"Are you okay?"

She responded after one long second. "Yeah."

"You sure?"

"The bag broke."

"Uh… What?"

"My bag broke." She repeated, irritation clear in her tone.

"Oh…" Joker gave me the most bewildered look, but I just chuckled. It honestly didn't surprise me at all; with the way she pounded it, it was a miracle that poor bag survived this long.

She sighed, long and deep. "I'm going to shower. Shepard out."

Joker turned off the comms and turned to face me. "That bad, huh?"

"Yeah… The Council won't do anything to stop Saren, and they denied her petition to go to Ilos. Udina, the bastard, berated her in front of the council for trying to start a galactic war with the Terminus Systems."

"Jackass."

"Yeah… Shepard didn't take it well."

"Yeah, no shit." He blurted, before giving me an apologetic look. "You should go talk to her…"

I raised an eyebrow. "What makes you think that would help?"

He gave me this look that basically screamed 'do you think I'm stupid or something' and rolled his eyes.

"Listen, I don't know what's going on between you two, but everyone – and I do mean everyone – can tell there's something going on."

I immediately opened my mouth to defend myself, but he cut me off.

"Don't even bother denying it, Kaidan. And anyway, nobody here cares. The whole crew stands behind Shepard, one hundred percent. We all care about her, so if she's happy… we're happy. It's not like anyone's going to report you for fraternizing. Anyway, that wasn't even the point."

"And what is the point?"

"The point is… you're good for her. She always looks happier, more relaxed, when you're around, or after your little midnight tea parties."

I couldn't help but laugh at that last part.

"So, go. What are you waiting for?"

"Uh… I think I'll wait for her to get out of the shower. I don't think she'd appreciate it if I just barged on there, and I'm sure I wouldn't like the most certain beating I would most certainly get from an enraged Shepard."

He laughed as he shook his head, and we kept talking for a while, until he insisted the Commander was probably done. He sent me off with a "Later.", he went back to his consoles and I went down the stairs to find Shepard.

The sight I encountered was… disheartening. Milla was sitting on the floor by her locker, looking so lost and small. Not even on the night she finally allowed herself to grieve Ash's death, had she looked so defeated. So utterly hopeless.

"Commander?" She clenched her jaw at the title and closed her eyes, and I mentally slapped myself. "Shepard." Her eyes opened and turned to me. "Are you all right? I'm sure there's a way to appeal. We're under Alliance authority, after all. Not the Council."

She rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Official channels are closed. They were quite clear about that."

"Closed. And we're supposed to accept that?"

She nodded, staring straight ahead.

"So, where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, may as well get a good seat."

The corners of her mouth quirked in a crooked smile, before taking a deep breath and slowly blowing it out. "We're out of the game for now. I need you to be there while I figure things out."

"You know you can count on me, or any of the crew, Commander." I echoed Joker's earlier words.

"I'm asking you, not the crew."

Her bluntness caught me off guard, and I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly.

"Come on, Kaidan. I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder."

"Yeah... I always leave a way out. You know that."

She sighed. "I suppose I do."

I crouched down to look her in the eye. It seemed wrong to look her down. "Listen, I'm here for you, Milla, but we're in a rough spot. I mean, are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?"

She rolled her eyes and smirked. "You seriously can't pull out a good, old fashioned 'it'll be alright', can you?"

"It's that simple, huh? Okay. Everything will be fine. You'll figure something out."

"There you go! That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"Yeah, I guess I could get used to it. Maybe. Now get up off the floor, Commander."

"Is that an order, Lieutenant?"

I fixed her with the most stern stare and tried to summon all the authority I could muster. "Yes, ma'am, it is. I never want to see you down there again."

She grinned and took the hand I offered. It happened in seconds, a tiny moment of clumsiness. Somehow she slipped and lost her balance and I instinctively moved to catch her. Her face was mere inches away from mine, her hands on my chest, and she swallowed as her eyes moved back and forth from my eyes to my mouth. A million thoughts raced through my mind. The last time we were this close had been the night of her breakdown, and before that, the night before Virmire. I could still remember her lips on mine, but with that memory came the gut wrenching guilt because of what happened the next day. We hadn't really talked about what we were or if either one of us wanted to go through with this after Ash's death, but now… holding her in my arms like this… I leaned in as she closed her eyes, her hands pressed against my che–

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander…"

I couldn't help the growl that escaped me, my frustration matching her own, displayed clearly on her face.

"I've got a message from Captain Anderson."

"Were you spying on us, Joker?" She glared at the ceiling.

"No, ma'am." He said, very nonchalantly. I almost believed him. "I just knew you were on the ship, so I figured I'd pass the message along. The captain said to meet him down at Flux, that club down in the wards."

Milla rolled her eyes, before taking a step back and fixing me with a resigned smile. "Duty calls." She began to walk away, before turning back and fixing me with a wicked grin. "Alenko, are you coming?"

I laughed. "Yes, ma'am."

So, thanks to Anderson, we had a small window of time to steal the ship. Man, I don't know how he did it, but thanks to him, we've got a chance to got to Ilos after Saren.

After we met him at Flux, Shepard sent out a message to all of the Normandy Crew, asking them to report back to the ship immediately. Once there, she explained the plan and gave them the chance to stand down and not take part in this whole thing. Not one person took it.

We'd all follow her to hell and back.

And now here I was – pacing outside her cabin for the last ten minutes – trying to decide if I should go in or just let her be. It's just… we could die tomorrow, and if this was my last night alive…

I raised my omnitool to her lock, requesting entrance.

The lock turned green. The doors swished open.

"Commander?"

Her cabin was dark. Once my eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, I saw her stand from her desk, long brown locks loose from the severe regulation bun, uncertainty written on her face.

"You probably shouldn't call me that… I probably shouldn't even be wearing this uniform." She looked down and gestured to it, before running her hand through her hair.

"Yeah, hell of a thing. We broke our oath to defend the Alliance so we can keep it. What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? We mutinied, stole a prototype warship – if they wanted to get technical, they can throw in kidnapping. We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?"

She sighed, a long, almost weary sigh. "I keep reminding myself we're doing the right thing. I don't believe me yet, but…"

"Well if I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here."

"Thanks." She whispered, low enough I almost didn't hear it.

My hand went to the back of my neck; nervous habit. "It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If things don't go well, I want you to know – Well, I've enjoyed serving under you."

She raised an eyebrow, giving me a pointed look. "Kaidan, I don't think I've had the pleasure of you serving under me. Don't you think it's time to rectify that?"

Ouch. I laughed nervously, then berated myself for laughing nervously. "I walked right into that, didn't I? We could get drummed out of the service for fraternization. Of course, we'll probably get the firing squad for mutiny…" And now I'm rambling.

Milla reached forward, stroking my cheek with her hand. "Kaidan…" she whispered. "Stay with me." She took a step forward, her face inches from mine. "Bunk here tonight, with me."

Her hand was on my chest; I'm sure she could hear my heart beating a mile a minute. "Is that an order, Commander?"

She rolled her eyes. "No, a request."

"Milla…" I wasn't surprised by how husky my voice was. She pressed herself against me, eyes boring into mine.

A part of me screamed for me to press my lips against hers, to take her in my arms, and touch her and kiss her and watch her come apart underneath me. It still amazed me that I'd somehow managed to get this incredible, smart, sexy woman to notice me, let alone want to be with me.

And yet... She was my CO. She isn't just Milla to me; can't be just Milla. She was my direct superior, and in charge of this vital mission. Nothing could go wrong tomorrow. Nothing could disrupt the mission, and by extension, the crew. I needed her to know that. Whatever happened here tonight, whatever we have, can't affect our jobs outside this room.

"This can't change anything, Milla. The mission, the crew… This is a good crew. The finest I've served with. I don't want to mess it up."

"Kaidan… You make me feel… like I can take on the universe. And right now? I kind of have to. And I just… I just want…" Her eyes drifted down to my mouth, before returning quickly to mine. "Would you just… do me a favor." Her voice lowered to a whisper. Her hands tangled and pulled on the chain of my dog tags. "Forget about the crew, just for a second. Forget about the crew, forget about the mission, forget about Saren, the geth and Ilos.

Forget about the Reapers.

Forget that I'm fucking Commander Shepard – your CO – and you're Lieutenant Alenko, my head of marine detail, and just… be Kaidan. Just Kaidan and I'm just Camilla.

Now, do you want this, Kaidan?"

I do.

"Do you?" she whispered, pulling the chain just a little harder.

"You know what, you're right… about everything." I moved to cup her face in my hands, running my thumbs over her cheeks. "I think about losing you and I can't stand it.

The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers will come around again.

But you and I, we are important right now. This is what will never happen again. Us. Milla, you make me feel…human."

She fisted her hands in my shirt and pulled me in, crushing her lips against mine. Her mouth was hot and demanding, mercilessly claiming mine. Our tongues warred with each other, and I cupped her neck with one hand to keep her close. Time seemed to stop and still as she kissed me senseless, pulling me under.

And I let her.

I let go and lost myself within her.

If this was my last night alive, I'd be damned if I didn't spend it with the woman I loved.

I woke up a couple hours later, my hand reaching for her only to find the sheets cold and the bed empty. I rolled over on the bed and found her sitting on her desk, working frantically on her terminal. Her hair was wet and I was a little disappointed to see she was already dressed.

And then, she turned and gave me the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen. She looked so beautiful, she took my breath away, and I made myself memorize this moment.

"Hey." She said, her voice husky as she rose from her seat and made her way to the bed.

"Hey." I cupped the back of her neck and pulled her in for a kiss, before pressing my forehead against hers. "It's been a long time since I met a woman who –"

Joker voice crackled over the comm. "Bridge to Commander Shepard. We're five minutes out from the Mu Relay."

We both sighed.

"I know." She brought her lips to mine. "You're a sweetheart, Kaidan."

"I swear though, if anything happens to you…" I don't think I could survive it. "Please be careful, Milla."

"You too, Kaidan."

We stayed like that, just holding each other, trying to find a last bit of calm before the storm.

"You should go. Joker's waiting for you on the bridge."

"I'm going, I'm going." Reluctantly, Milla stood, wrapped her wet hair in it's usual bun, and turned before reaching the door.

"Suit up quickly, Lieutenant. We've got a rogue Spectre to catch."

Just like that, we were back. I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

Author's note: And we're done with the ME1 timeline! Yay! I have to thank anyone who's been reading so far, those who've commented or left kudos.

I have to admit this chapter took me a little longer to write, mostly because I planned to delve a little deeper into their "night before Ilos", if you know what I mean *wink wink, nudge nudge*.

But as it turns out, I suck at writing smut, especially from a guy's point of view. It was seriously… really bad. So instead we get a more emotionally charged scene, and Kaidan NOT screaming "JOKER'S WAITING FOR YOU ON THE BRIDGE!" immediately after. I also switched Shep from sitting on her desk STARING AT HIM as he slept to her just working, because Shep's a workaholic. I just find it really creepy, the whole staring at him while he sleeps thing, so I changed it.

I hoped you liked it and thanks for reading!