The One with the Baby on the Ceiling

August 10, 2015

"Hi, Ben," Natasha spoke with a little wave. She was pretty sure small children enjoyed waves. Ben began to cry. "You didn't do this last week." Natasha had already made her greetings with everyone else.

"He's probably just being cranky and tired. He's not even using his big boy words," Phil spoke, handing her a piece of pie as they all stood in the kitchen area of the apartment that Phil and Loki shared. Clint was already sharing a piece with the toddler. She took a fork and dug in. Ben was smiling again and declaring, "Pie".

Toddlers were fickle creatures. Clint began coughing.

"If you must be sick, please do so in the toilet," Loki requested from the safe distance of the couch.

"What is it?" Phil asked.

"What's in the pie?" Clint asked between coughs.

"The usual, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi-"

"I'm al...allergic to...kiwi," Clint stuttered.

"What?" Phil asked, "I thought you were allergic to strawberries."

"That's Pepper," Natasha informed them.

"Peanuts?" Phil asked.

"Peter Parker," she said, automatically. Clint mimed a clicking motion with his hand.

"That's at work. I've never needed an Epi pen at home before so we need to go to the hospital," Phil spoke. Clint shook his head.

"No neeb hobital," he argued. Natasha felt really bad for him. His tongue was definitely swelling.

"You're going, even if I have to taser you on top of everything else," Phil threatened. Clint's fight left him. They both knew that tone.

"Daddy?" Ben asked.

"Cat leab 'im," Clint spoke and reached for him.

"We can't take him with us to the hospital. He'll be fine. He has Tasha and..." he started, hesitated and repeated, "Tasha. Go on."

Phil seemed to wait for Clint to reach the door before turning to her, "It's not hard. Just make sure he doesn't kill himself."

"You're leaving me alone with him?" Natasha asked at the wide-eyed toddler watching his dad from the booster seat.

"Not entirely alone, you'll...you'll have Loki and you could call Sue..."

Natasha was relieved at the mention of Sue. She could even take Ben over there. The Baxter Building was just next door.

"They're away on a mission but you could still try," Phil finished. Her spirits sank. He turned to Ben, bending down to his level. "Your daddy's going to be fine and we'll be back before you know it, okay?"

Natasha wasn't sure Ben understood but the boy nodded anyway. Then, Clint and Phil were gone. She'd never been responsible for a child before. He finished his pie. There didn't appear to be any allergic reaction.

"So..." Natasha started. Ben wasn't any help. He rocked his booster seat, trying to break free of the restraints.

"He might be in need of a nap," Loki suggested from behind her. She looked back to see him writing in his journal. Small children did require naps.

"How do I know?"

"You could try asking."

"Ben, are you sleepy?" she asked the toddler.

"NO!" he cried.

"They are also prone to lying," Loki added.

"Great, temperamental and prone to lying. All children are simply you in miniature form," Natasha spat. He sat his pen and journal down to stand up.

"I could leave you alone with him," Loki threatened.

"No," Natasha spoke and realized what she could do. She let Ben out of his booster seat and set him down. Then, he immediately ran for the door. He jumped for the handle. She ran after him and scooped him up.

"No, your daddy was sick and had to go to a doctor. He'll be back soon," Natasha told him.

Please let it be soon, she thought.

"Let's play with your toys," she suggested and set him down near the pile. All the Avengers were there in toy form although her figure didn't really look like her at all and Tony kept teasing Phil about his not having one. Ben seemed appeased and Natasha began cleaning up the kitchen. She was almost finished when there was a tug on her jeans' leg.

"Diaper," Ben announced. No, this was below her pay grade.

"Aunt Tasha doesn't do diapers," she tried to explain.

"Diaper!" Ben screeched. "My diaper!"

"All this time and you've never learned how to change a child," Loki spoke with a smirk.

"Just because I'm a woman..."

"But I thought the illustrious Black Widow prided herself on knowing everything," he chided.

"My life has never depended on knowing that," she argued. Ben was wailing. She supposed she would have to learn.

"Ben, where are your supplies?" Loki asked. The toddler stopped crying and ran to the diaper bag on the floor. "I'd rather not have shit where it doesn't belong or a miniscule banshee in my home."

Natasha assumed she would have to jump in and stop him from using magic or some nefarious plot. Instead, he changed the diaper without much consternation.

"Interesting," he said of the adhesive strips that attached the diaper together. She supposed Asgard wasn't that advanced.

"How?" she asked when he was all done.

"Amazed?" he retorted and laughed. "Thor has a much younger brother by the name of Balder. His servants weren't always on top of his every need as planned. Sometimes, they were occupied in other ways."

Natasha had no idea. Thor had never mentioned a second brother before. However, his opening up felt weird to her. She wasn't sure she liked it so she couldn't help ruining it.

"With Thor or did you join in?" she retorted.

"Sometimes," he agreed, making the diaper disappear.

"Oops," Ben said as his sippy cup fell off the table, broke apart on the floor and grape juice spread over the rug.

"Foals are easier," Loki muttered. Something about that seemed familiar but she couldn't put her finger on it.

"Me nap," Ben announced. His verbal skills reminded her of the Hulk and she shook her head. She was about to clean up the mess but Loki magiked that away, too.

"Come on," Natasha said, picked Ben up and took him to Phil's bedroom. When he was on the bed, she turned to leave.

"Sing," he requested. It was so much easier when she could just kill people.

She started to sing the first song that came to mind.

"Now somewhere in the black mining hills of Dakota

There lived a young boy named Rocky Raccoon

And one day his woman ran off with another guy

Hit young Rocky in the eye Rocky didn't like that

He said I'm gonna get that boy

So one day he walked into town

Booked himself a room in the local saloon."

Natasha assumed he had fallen asleep by the last verse and began walking away. Ben shot up.

"More," he said. Natasha opened her mouth, trying to think of something else. "No, he do it."

"You want Loki?" she asked and he nodded. "I'm not even positive he can sing."

Ben crossed his arms, just like his father. Natasha went in search of the god.

There was only one room left. Natasha knocked on the door and braced herself for anything on the other side. Then, she nudged the unlocked door open. Loki was reading on a chair beside the bed.

"Ben requests you to sing for him," she explained. "Or he won't sleep."

"Naturally," Loki spoke and stood up.

"Try not to scare him," she said as they walked back to Phil's bedroom.

"Being Barton's progeny, I doubt that is easily done," Loki remarked.

Ben was still sitting up, waiting for them as they entered. Then, he lay back down. Natasha was curious. Was there such a thing as Asgardian folk songs? However, she wasn't expecting what he started singing.

"The secret life of Arabia

Secret secrets never seen

Secret secrets ever green..."

By the time, he reached the middle, Ben was already asleep.

"The secret life of Arabia

You must see the movie the sand in my eyes

I walk through a desert song when the heroine dies"

"That's an old song," Natasha pointed out.

"I suppose it hasn't come to your attention but I'm not exactly young," Loki retorted. She knew he was right but it was easier to overlook his and Thor's true ages compared with Steve.

While he was sleeping, it was simple to forget that Ben was even there. Instead, Natasha played Phil's X-Box. She had just finished a routine in Zumba when Loki appeared.

"Has your Ben duty been relieved?" he asked. Natasha turned the game off.

"No, he should be sleeping on the bed," she explained.

"But he is not," Loki told her. She ran to the bedroom but he was right.

"Chyort voz'mi."

How had she lost Barton's kid that easily? She was in front of the door the whole time. It never opened. The windows had security sensors. Maybe he was hiding somewhere. She began opening every crevice and door, anything a toddler could possibly get into.

An hour later, she had covered the penthouse apartment and found nothing. She turned to Loki.

"Is there some sort of magic locator spell?" she asked.

"You've been reading Rogers' books," Loki commented although she noticed he didn't deny it.

"I just don't know where Ben could be!" Natasha complained. Clint was going to kill her and it wouldn't be fast. Then, she heard giggling and it wasn't from Loki. "Ben?"

More giggling could be heard. Strangely enough, it sounded like it came from above them. She looked up.

"Are all Midgardian children capable of that?" Loki asked and she shook her head. Ben looked down at them from the ceiling. He was able to crawl on it just as easily as walking on the floor.

"That's cheating," Loki declared. "How is that possible?"

"Well, Barton is normal but his ex-wife...she's what most people would refer to as a mutant. She appears to have passed some of that on," Natasha tried to explain as she took in what she was seeing. She assumed the lack of warning meant that Clint didn't even know yet.

"We should get him down," Natasha spoke. Then, she noticed his expression. "Not with magic!"

"You were prepared to use magic to find him," Loki reminded her and she glared at him.

"This is different and why do you have to have such high ceilings anyway? In a normal apartment, you'd be tall enough to grab him," Natasha complained.

"I like the space. Everywhere else is too confining," Loki told her. Then, there was a thump behind her. She turned to see that Ben had fallen onto the couch. For an instant, her heart stopped before Ben giggled and smiled.

"Fun! Do again!" he yelled.

"No," Natasha told him.

"What else can he do?" Loki asked, full of curiosity. She was considering her options when the door opened.

"Daddy!" Ben screamed and ran to Clint. He looked much better and grinned as he picked him up. Phil came over to her.

"You and the apartment appear in one piece. Loki is smiling. I'll find out why later," Phil spoke, looking at him. Then, Natasha caught him glancing upwards. "Why are there handprints on the ceiling?"

"About that..."