The One with the Meeting of Insensitivity

August 24, 2015

Darcy Lewis wasn't sure how she wanted this to go. Was it like prison and she should do something insane to show her toughness? Then again, JARVIS probably wouldn't like that. It would be better to try and follow Coulson's example. Ipod stealer could be extremely badass without saying a single word. Still, she was very nervous to be in the conference room at Avengers Tower surrounded by all of them. Well, all of them except...

"Stark, you're late as usual," Coulson commented after Tony and Pepper came through the door.

"What's she doing here? I thought she and Foster were a package deal," Tony complained with narrowed brown eyes. Darcy readjusted her glasses out of habit.

"Sit down and I'll explain," Coulson retorted. After a moment, he continued, "SHIELD is fully equipped to handle just about every need but the six of you end up taking up a lot of our time and manpower so it's been decided that you need two handlers. I will continue to handle missions and official SHIELD business. Agent Lewis will handle your media needs; appearances, press releases, damage control..."

"If this is Avengers business, why am I here?" Pepper asked.

"Agent and I agreed that since Tony will tell you everything anyway, this was just faster," Darcy spoke. Pepper nodded and Tony smirked. She viewed it as a small victory.

"I don't see why we would have to give the media any more than they already take," Clint complained.

"You mean the way they gossip over Agent and who he really is?" Darcy asked.

"No, I don't mind that. We're old enough to handle it but my kid's not even two. He doesn't need that," Clint answered.

"Ah, Ben Drew-Whedon. He's a cutie and he looks just like you so that's kind of irresistible. Really, with those genes, probably would have been hard to make an ugly kid-"

"But does it end? And when?" Clint asked, cutting her off.

"After age five, celebrity kids start being graded on what they're doing, who they're with and how pretty they are. Take the Bishop girls. Susan is legal and attractive; goes out with all the right guys and all the right parties. She's always on the society page. The younger one doesn't do any of that. She just does the charities and plays her violin. She's almost never on the society page," Darcy explained.

"In her defense, Katherine Bishop is just eleven. It's a cello, not a violin and Julliard really isn't that easy to get into," Pepper spoke.

"Whatever, she's still boring," Darcy said with a shrug.

"As for your question, Legolas, the answer is no," Tony spoke. Of anyone there, he would have the most experience with that.

"I don't think you're our new special media handler person," Clint retorted.

"He's right though. From what I hear, Ben will never be boring because he's a mutant," Darcy said.

"He's not a mutant. He just takes after his mom that way," Clint argued.

"Fine, but there are tactics we can use to make their photographs less valuable, like releasing our own. We really need more official photos out there anyway. If nothing else, I'm sick of the same ones on Tumblr all the time. There are only so many ways you can photoshop Thor's head on Romanov's lingerie shots," Darcy complained.

"What?" Thor asked. Bruce shook his head and she saw him visibly letting it go. Jane could explain it later if he remembered.

"We do have a more serious issue to address," Darcy said. She wasn't sure how they would take it so she took a deep breath, released it and continued, "We're all white and most of you are male. It doesn't look good. Actually, the media describes you guys as 'a sausage fest'."

Natasha smirked.

"I don't understand," Thor complained. "We are not breakfast meat."

"I think they are referring to a penis as a sausage and that we have a lot of them," Steve tried to explain.

"Midguardian sausage is made out of human penis? That is very bizarre. We eat sausage on Asgard and it may have penis but never of an Asgardian," Thor stated.

"No, we don't eat other people," Steve told him.

"This is so not the conversation I want to have right now," Darcy complained. "We need to focus. I have a list of candidates to run by you."

Darcy was starting to learn Phil's slight variations in his official capacity. He had shifted just a fraction of an inch. She wasn't sure if it was surprise or annoyance or both because she hadn't mentioned the list to him beforehand.

"Steve, why haven't you invited Samuel Wilson to be an Avenger?" Darcy asked. Steve's expression was apologetic.

"Coulson has mentioned it..."

"Mhmm and?"

"He suggested it really but I hadn't talked it over with everyone else. I don't want to ask unless everyone is okay with it," Steve explained.

Damn, he was too polite for his own good sometimes.

"Don't you guys have a leader?" Darcy asked.

"Sure," Clint responded and all six of the superheroes looked at Coulson. Darcy sighed.

"Among you, you guys have to have a leader," Darcy spoke and when they didn't say anything, she added, "I want you to come up with a leader right now."

"Do we have to listen to Taser Girl?" Tony asked Coulson.

"Yes, and we have equipped her with the latest in taser technology," Coulson spoke. Darcy smiled as Thor paled just a little bit.

"Steve," said five voices in unison.

"Now, this is getting somewhere and see Steve, they all have such faith in you," Darcy pointed out.

"Actually, none of the rest of us wants the job," Bruce said. She should have been waiting for that other shoe.

"But that's not how we're going to spin it for the media," Darcy spoke. "So, you'll ask Sam and Tony, why not Rhodes?"

Tony and Pepper shared a look.

"Rhodes is more of a West Coast kind of guy and he has his military responsibilities. I could ask but I doubt he'd say yes to a full-time position," Tony told her.

"What about Luke Cage?" Darcy asked, looking at Coulson.

"Isn't he just a teenager?" Pepper asked with a worried expression.

"Eighteen but he's out of school and he's been doing this for years," Coulson explained.

"He's allowed out without Thing 1 and Thing 2?" Tony asked, folding his arms against his chest.

"If you're referring to Danny Rand and Peter Parker, Rand could be a definite asset. Parker can't be an Avenger until he graduates," Coulson told them.

Darcy's mind was already imagining the buzz they would get from Spider-Man joining them before she caught that last part.

"Why?"

"Because I made a promise," Coulson spoke.

Damn.

"What about White Tiger? Ava Aly-Ally-Olly oxen free?" Darcy asked, snapping her fingers and still not coming up with the right name.

"Miss Ayala is brilliant but she's also brilliant at her studies. She's being a full-time student at the moment. I'm only supposed to pull her in if it's really important," Coulson spoke again.

Damn.

"If we add all of them, might as well have a Young Avengers or something," Tony joked. However, that wasn't a bad idea. The youth demographic was important. Next time...

"We need more women on the team," Darcy told them.

"I wouldn't mind more beautiful women on the team," Clint stated. Darcy cringed. Then, she looked at Pepper sitting beside him and nodded.

"What? No, I can't-"

"I give you full permission. Do it," Darcy told her. Pepper hesitated for a second longer, then pulled her hand back and slapped Clint across the back of his head.

"I didn't say I'd do anything to them, just look at them. I have Phil for doing things with," Clint explained.

"Your hole," Tony remarked and made a motion of digging a hole bigger. Coulson was looking at the table but his ears were turning slightly pink.

"The correct answer is that you would welcome more women on the team as long as they are qualified and it doesn't matter what they look like," Darcy spoke. "Now, how about Barbara Morse? Jessica Drew? Sif? Jewel? Wanda Frank? Kitty Pryde? Jennifer-"

"That last one is classified and not to be repeated," Coulson interrupted. Darcy decided not to press the issue but it couldn't be that classified or she wouldn't have been able to hack into the files using Stark's technology. She liked how Clint's composure seemed a bit more off now. Natasha was grinning.

"Jessica might like a break from the baby, getting back into things," Natasha suggested. Clint nodded.

"Who's Morse?" Steve asked.

"Agent Morse is a new recruit, prefers Bobbi but she has a lot of talent and potential," Coulson agreed.

"Sif hasn't much interest in Midguard. She's taken it upon herself to be Asgard's protector in my stead," Thor explained.

"Jewel's not ready. She needs more time to mature into her skills," Coulson added. It made Darcy wonder just how old Jewel was exactly and her real identity.

"I don't know if the X-Men would want to join or not. They seem to have their own thing," Clint spoke.

"Oh yes, we can't get in the way of their 'thing'", Darcy complained and rolled her eyes. "I know some of them already work with SHIELD."

"Which one's Wanda Frank?" Tony asked.

"Scarlet Witch, she's not...anything really. So far, she doesn't side with anyone but herself and her brother," Coulson explained.

"But she can do actual magic, how cool would that be? Like Harry Potter but real?" Darcy pointed out. "Nobody else has any ideas? Natasha?"

"I haven't worked with women that often actually," Natasha admitted.

"That is the saddest most pathetic thing I've ever heard," Darcy spoke and turned to Coulson. "Is that true?"

"Agent Romanov has a unique skill set unmatched by most men much less women. Aside from Barton and Hill, she also tends to work better alone," Coulson answered. Darcy resisted trying to rip her hair out.

"It's not always that easy to even recruit women," Pepper added. "Especially with Tony and his reputation, I have a very hard convincing them to join Stark Industries. I lose them to AIM, Hank Pym, other places..."

She held eye contact with Coulson. Having a level two clearance sucked. There was a lot of stuff that Darcy felt she should know but didn't.

"AIM? Aren't they...evil?" Bruce asked.

"Extremely," Tony agreed. "How about if we have a video with Natalie saying how wonderful it was to work for us?"

"First of all, I think everyone would recognize Natalie as Natasha. Second of all, that party is still on Youtube," Pepper spoke.

"Which party?" Tony asked.

"The one where you flirted with her and showed her how to operate your suit," Pepper reminded him. Darcy had seen that footage. It was pretty hot.

"Oh that," Tony spoke. "In my defense, I did think I was going to die."

"That doesn't help," Pepper argued.

Still, if women would rather work for an evil organization than Stark Industries, then that was a definite image problem and meant they needed to add females on the team more than she realized.

"Are we done here?" Clint asked. This was like commanding a kindergarten class, or herding a bunch of cats.

Darcy nodded and the group shot off like a rocket. She slunk back in her chair.

"That went well," Coulson commented. With that, she closed her eyes and sighed.

"Did your first meeting go that well? So well that you wanted to kill yourself afterwards?" Darcy asked, opening her eyes again and standing up. Coulson was almost at the door.

"Actually, my first meeting with them didn't have much speaking on my part which was good because I was still in shock that I'd met Steve Rogers and maybe he would sign my cards. There were a lot of incoherent noises in my head," said Coulson with a small smile that faded. "But I did kill myself afterwards."

Darcy was mid-stride when that caught up with her.

"Wait. What?" she asked and gave him a look of utter disbelief.

"I checked out a really large gun and my LMD. It even fooled Fury," Coulson explained.

"How'd the team take it?" Darcy asked.

"Not well at first," Coulson admitted. "They don't trust easily."

He leaned down to Darcy and turned against the camera.

"They're not like us. They didn't choose any of this. They're accustomed to people using them," Coulson whispered. Darcy hadn't thought about that before. It was a little too heavy.

"What makes you think I chose this?" Darcy tried to joke.

"Other than saying 'yes" when I asked?" Coulson retorted. "Darcy Lewis was an Honors student who could have had her pick of internships, including those closer to her actual field but you picked Foster."

Agent was good.

"She seemed so enthusiastic about it all but when I checked it out; no one else had even applied. No one wanted to help her," she revealed. She'd never told anyone else before.

Coulson hit the button for the elevator.

"That's part of why I picked you," he said.

"And the other part?" Darcy asked.

"I asked Leila Taylor and she turned me down," Coulson told her with a hint of a grin. The elevator dinged open and they stepped in. Darcy had her own floor now. She knew Coulson had one if he chose but he still insisted on living with Loki. However, he pressed the button for Hawkeye's floor.

"Maybe we could have a West Coast Avengers with Rhodes," Darcy joked.

"It's not a bad idea for the future. It would make more sense to have more localized groups. We could have one on most continents even," Coulson spoke.

"Great Lakes Avengers?" Darcy asked.

"That might be pushing it," Coulson stated.

Darcy was starting to like iPod Stealer.

Phil walked onto Clint's floor. With school starting up again, Darcy was going to be a big help but was it going to be enough? He always seemed to be working. It seemed unfair to Clint. He deserved a better boyfriend especially with pining over him for eleven years.

Phil found him in his bedroom with a photo of Ben. The small boy was smiling and only wearing a diaper. Clint looked up.

"Promise me that we won't be sent out on the same missions," Clint stated. His blue eyes were a million miles away.

"I promise, but even if that happens, it would never be like what happened to you. Ben has Vange, me, all the Avengers, SHIELD and the X-Men looking out for him, not just you and Jessica," Phil told him while wrapping his arms around his body.

Clint put the photo down and started kissing him.