The sound of her helmet cracking came to her after the pieces escaped her bare fingers and fell on the icy ground. Two halves of a whole forced apart to never be together again.
She glanced down at her fingers. Small cuts covered them. She did not remember when she had lost the gloves, but believed to have seen a piece of one among the flower petals she had stepped on earlier.
"How many… times…?" Sora's voice had lost any shred of life it once had.
"I don't know…" Birdramon spoke with sorrow. Her eyes did not seem to be able to form new tears. "You come, try to free me, fail, try to get the crest, fail, shout at the cloaked person, remember that you came here to save Koushiro… then you cry… that thing sends you away… then you return, without remembering anything and more worn out than before…"
Sora's sight got blurred by her tears. Her knees felt weak and she had to sustain her weight on her palms against the wall of ice. They slipped, tainting the surface red. On her knees, she looked up to Birdramon, who still managed to have kindness in her eyes.
"Because of me…" The girl muttered.
"This ice doesn't hurt me, Sora." Birdramon assured her.
"I trapped you here…" The human insisted.
The digimon hesitated but decided to reveal the truth. Maybe that would diminish her friend's pain.
"I can leave if I want to." Birdramon confessed. "That thing told me that I could leave. I just had to say it."
"Liar." Sora shook her head. "You're stuck here. You're lying to me to make me feel better but that won't-"
"I'm not lying to you."
"Yes, you are!" Sora insisted. "If you could leave, you would've done that already! You wouldn't still be here!"
"I'm not going to abandon you!" Birdramon stated.
"Stop it!" Sora pleaded.
"I don't care about how many mistakes you made! I forgive you!" Birdramon told her. "I love you, Sora! I'm not going anywhere without you!"
"STOP IT!" Sora cried, punching the wall with her right fist. The pain in her hand was not comparable to the one she had in her heart. "Stop it stop it stop it stop it… please… tell me that you're lying… tell me that it's all my fault!"
"I forgive you."
"NO!" Sora punched the wall again and continued to do so, with both her fists, until the backs of her hands were completely red. Birdramon begged her to stop but Sora could no longer hear her. "CURSE ME! LEAVE ME! SAVE YOURSELF! TREAT ME LIKE I DESERVE!"
"I am treating you like you deserve!" Bidramon affirmed. "Sora, you deserve to be-"
"SHUT UP!"
As the yell left the girl's throat, the temperature dropped drastically. Cold wind came from her right. She looked down and saw a thick layer of ice spreading around her. Sora stood up, using the wall to support herself. She turned around slowly.
Her jailer was standing a couple of meters in front of her, ready to once again deliver the punishment the girl deserved.
Chapter 21: A short story about love
The cold wind struck Koushiro's skin. It felt like several sharp needles cutting him. He opened his eyes and found himself beside the wall of ice. A few meters in front of him, the cloaked person he had seen in visions was approaching Sora, who was not running away. Behind the girl, Birdramon was stuck in the wall, with only her head free. The boy noticed that the fifth-grader was not wearing her helmet or her gloves, and that her hands were harmed.
"Sora!" Birdramon cried.
Sora did not say anything back, nor did she move. Her tear brimmed eyes showed acceptance for her fate.
But Koushiro could not accept that.
"SORA-SAN!" The boy shouted, right before the person dressed in black could place a hand on the girl's chest. Sora, Birdramon and the mysterious figure turned their heads to him.
"What…?" Birdramon was speechless. How did Koushiro get in there? Why was he showing up just now?
"Koushiro… kun…?" Sora felt as if the ground itself was trying to swallow her. Koushiro had been trapped in that place too? Had she not been able to protect him? Was Koushiro trapped in the same cycle as well? No… she begged, mentally, not this… I can't be responsible for this too! I can't have dragged him to this! No! NO!
The cloaked figure took a step in the boy's direction, spreading ice on the floor. Koushiro attempted to walk away but fell on his back; he lifted his upper body and realized that his feet had been frozen to the ground.
Sora saw panic filling the boy's face as he watched the cloaked figure getting close to him, unable to escape. His imminent doom lit something in the girl's spirit. She jumped into motion and caught up to the enemy, grabbing the right wrist of the cloaked figure moments before the palm touched the fourth-grader.
"STAY AWAY FROM HIM!" Sora ordered.
A wave of hot air burst from where she was and spread in all directions. The cloaked person shrieked, as if in pain. Ice covered the mysterious figure's body and it vanished in thin air, while a few crystals were left floating behind. The ice on the boy's feet was melted and Sora stretched her right hand to him. Koushiro paled, taking a closer look on the girl's wounds. He grabbed the bloody hand, nevertheless, and stood up. Back on his feet, the fourth-grader looked at Sora with wide open eyes.
"That never happened before…" Birdramon was astonished. "Koushiro had never appeared… Sora had never overpowered that thing…"
"What do you mean by 'overpower?'" The girl asked her partner, shaking and letting go of the boy's hand. "I didn't do anything!"
"Sora-san, you saved my life…" Koushiro said, examining the blood stains left on his glove. "That wave of warmth was your doing."
"Don't be absurd!" Sora was losing her patience. "How could that be possible?!"
"You might have power in this place." Koushiro theorized. "It could be a representation of an aspect of your personality."
"Enough with this already!" Sora snapped.
The children shivered. Cold air was surrounding them again.
"Is she coming back?" Koushiro wondered, afraid.
"She?" Sora asked.
"Her voice sounded feminine to me… but I could be wrong." Koushiro explained.
"How do you know her voice? That thing never spoke!" Sora was perplexed.
"I had visions of this place before coming here after you." The boy told her. "I saw that person talking to Birdramon and-"
"Coming after me?" Those words almost did not make it out of the girl's mouth.
Koushiro noticed how her pupils contracted and her skin grew paler every second.
"I searched for a way to bring you out after you saved me." The boy explained. "I found Otae-san and she told me that I could get in and out of the orb. So, I came here to talk to you… to help you."
The temperature was decreasing quickly. Wrapping his arms around himself, Koushiro waited for the girl to say anything. She kept staring at him in astonishment and, perhaps, terror.
"Sora-san, you don't have to worry about me. If things get dangerous, I can get out… okay, I acknowledge that I panicked there and couldn't say anything but I promise it won't happen again." He believed he could mollify the fifth-grader by saying that. "I came here because I was worried about you. Everybody is worried about you! Besides… I need to apologize."
"Apo… logize…?" A murmur came from her half open mouth.
"I shouldn't have let you convince me… no, wait!" Koushiro scratched his head with his right hand. "You were right, actually. Otae-san said that in normal circumstances a single memory shouldn't have been enough to make the orb target me. If we had told Kanda-san, the odds are that he would've agreed with you. The reason why I triggered the trap… that wasn't your fault at all… you had no fault in what happened…"
"Liar!" Sora said in loud voice.
Koushiro was taken aback.
"Sora-san…?"
"Both of you are lying to me." Sora stated, slowly. "You're both trapped here… because of me… I was irresponsible… I didn't think things through… and you must hate me for that!"
"Nobody here hates you, Sora!" Birdramon affirmed. "Koushiro hadn't appeared before, so he must be telling the truth! He came here because he cares for you too!"
"NO!" The girl shouted. A fierce wind came from behind her, carrying ice crystals; Birdramon and Koushiro were forced to close their eyes. When they reopened them, Sora was nowhere to be seen.
"You have to go after her!" Birdramon urged the boy. "If the creature with the black cloak finds her, Sora will lose her memories of this place again and go through everything again!"
"She's stuck in a repetitive cycle?" Koushiro asked. "How? Why?"
"I don't know." Birdramon said. "She always loses hope at the end… when she blames herself for everything. She's defeated and sent back to the beginning."
"But she defeated the cloaked figure this time." Koushiro pointed out.
"Yes…" A spark appeared in the digimon's eyes. "It must've been because she wanted to protect you. Sora just moved… like the time you fell from the mountain and hit your head."
"To protect me…" The boy muttered. Sora was kind and cared a lot about other people, he had always known that. Koushiro glanced at the wall of ice where Birdramon was trapped and noticed the stains of blood on it, like he noticed the pieces of the girl's hat on the ground. She must have been trying to protect Birdramon, and succumbing to desperation. Why could she not free her partner but was able to help him? Was it because the danger the boy was in was more imminent? Was it because it was simpler to save him than to save the digimon? Was it because Sora had more hope for one than the other? Koushiro was not able to figure out the answer.
"Go after her!" Birdramon urged again. "Help Sora!"
"I will." Koushiro promised. He walked forward, leaving the digimon behind, hoping to find the girl.
Birdramon observed the boy fleeing. Then, she closed her eyes for a brief moment, wishing for the best outcome.
"The boy won't change anything."
That voice made the digimon open her eyes immediately. That person was a few steps in her front; the cloak was completely wet.
"Sora will be saved this time!" Birdramon spoke with conviction.
"She can't be saved by another." The figure stated. "No matter how many come to this world and try to rescue her, the result will remain the same."
"You're wrong!" Birdramon roared. "Sora is going to be saved! She's going to beat you and we'll all escape this place!"
"Do you honestly not understand what is happening here?" The stranger had a grave tone. "After all this time, you still refuse to see the obvious?"
"I'm not falling for your games." Birdramon had resolution in her voice. The other did not insist, disappearing in an icy cyclone.
Koushiro saw silhouettes at the distance and rushed there. What he found, however, were dozens of human sized flower dolls. They wore pink kimonos with large red ribbons and cherry blossom details, like the one Mimi had shown them the night before the mission. The dolls had red flowers for the eyes and orange ones for the hair. Koushiro looked down. The ground was covered by petals and destroyed pieces of cloth. In some points, there were even pieces of pink rubber. They mystery of what had happened to Sora's gloves had been solved.
The boy remembered that he had seen Sora's mother working on a flower arrangement in that memory. And the girl had accused the woman of not caring for her, but only for the heiress of the Ikebana tradition.
But Sora-san's mother was concerned about her, wasn't she?
Koushiro reprehended himself mentally for thinking like that. It was not his place to make those assumptions. He could not understand Sora's situation. He could not comprehend that anger, despite having felt it while holding the mirror.
An all consuming anger that lacerated the heart from the inside.
He could not understand that, he believed.
Koushiro kept walking, noticing thin spots of ice covering the petals and cloth, here and there. Under the window of a building sealed with thick ice, Sora was sitting, hiding her face behind her knees. Her wounded hands were shaking.
"Your hands are hurt." Koushiro said, a few steps away from her. The boy sat in her front and took off his own gloves, offering them to the girl. Sora lifted her face and saw what he was doing; she also noticed him looking at her with a mix of concern and apprehension.
The look on his face cut her deeper than the thorns or the ice could.
"These silly cuts are no big deal." The girl told him, looking away. "Keep those gloves on; it's cold."
"Those wounds must be aching." Koushiro commented. "You would feel better if-"
"I don't need to feel better!" Sora yelled, slapping the boy's hand that was offering the gloves, which made them fall on the ground. Koushiro did not pick them up.
"I came here to help you, Sora-san." Koushiro said in low voice. "This place… it's like a torture chamber molded after your destructive thoughts and emotions. Your only way to escape is by overcoming them… I want to help you but I'm not sure about what to tell you. I don't know how to be sensitive or empathetic… I'm sorry."
Sora looked down, feeling nauseous. Her body trembled but she knew it was not because of the cold. The sight of the petals made her feel sicker, so she lifted her face again. Koushiro was still looking at her. There was a light tremor in his lips and there was cold sweat on his pale face. His eyebrows were slightly contracted.
Why did he have to worry about her? Why did he have to come after her? And now he was suffering for not knowing how he could help her. That was so wrong. After everything she did for him, it did not make sense.
He could leave whenever he wanted? And so could Birdramon? She could have escaped that trap? She could get out of the ice? And yet she did not? She stayed there just so Sora could watch her misery? Just so Sora could be reminded of how she had condemned the being that had most openly showed affection for her to eternal torture? If they could leave, they should already have done it. They had to! They had no reason to want to stay!
"You should resent me." Sora muttered. "I ignored your preoccupation and put you in danger. If I had listened to you-"
"It would have made no difference." Koushiro interrupted. "I've told you already that Kanda-san would've agreed that I wasn't a likely target."
"I was irresponsible. What I did to you…"
"I didn't stop you. I was as responsible for it as you were."
"Stop trying to minimize my guilt."
"You wanted to protect Takeru-kun."
"It wasn't just to protect him!" Sora cried, shutting her eyes closed and grabbing her hair with her hands. "I didn't want anyone to know… I wanted to keep that a secret… I was scared!"
"I know." Koushiro told her, glancing down.
"Of course you do… you saw it all, didn't you? You felt it all…" Sora murmured, opening her eyes again. "And somehow you still want to help me. Why?"
"I… actually thought that you resented me, Sora-san." Koushiro confessed. "I invaded your privacy-"
"You couldn't have known."
"I know it doesn't make sense." The boy sighed. "I can't always make sense of the things I feel… they're illogical… and they make me see things worse than they are."
Sora sensed hesitation in the boy's voice. She examined his face and realized he was staring at the frozen petals under them.
"You don't have to force yourself to tell me anything you don't want to." She assured him.
"Otae-san said that the memory was not enough to make the orb target me." Koushiro informed. "It happened because we have similar personalities."
"Eh?" Sora had never expected to hear that. "What are you talking about?"
"Sora-san, you, just like me… you let your negativity cloud your ideas and tell you things that are not true."
Sora stood up, slowly. Koushiro stood up as well. The girl gave him a glare that made him shiver.
"Are you calling me delusional?" Sora's voice was deadly cold.
"Please, don't twist what I'm saying!" Koushiro asked.
"Are you denying that you just called me that?" Sora raised her voice.
"Sora-san, I understand how you feel."
"YOU UNDERSTAND NOTHING!" She shouted, closing her hands into fists. "What do you think you understand?! We are nothing alike!"
"Yes, we are! You just don't see it yet!"
"You're the person who said that parents were kind people who loved you and took care of you!" Her voice was overflowing with spite. "You told me that your parents would never force you to do anything, isn't that right?"
"I'm not here to talk about my parents." Koushiro raised his voice as well.
"Oh, really? How is that fair?" Sora questioned. "You think you are in a position to give me advice but you can't even begin to understand how it is to live in my shoes!"
"Sora-san!"
"How could you? You have such a perfect life with kind and sweet parents, don't you?! Parents who love you and who expect nothing from you!"
"Sora-san, please!"
"You don't know how it is to look into your mother's eyes and see that you're a disappointment to her! That no matter what you do you'll always be a disappointment to her!"
Sora burst into tears, turning her back to the boy. She had said too much. What would Koushiro even be thinking now? She did not want to say any of that. What was the matter with her?
Apologize to him! Sora ordered herself. You crossed the line! You shouldn't have said those things! He was just concerned about you! But the girl was not able to apologize. Her breathing became irregular and she thought she could listen to her own heartbeats. Her sight was becoming blurrier and her insides were getting colder. How could I say those selfish things? That's not what a good person should say. I wanted to be good… I wanted to be kind and be there for people… I tried so hard… is it just impossible for me? Am I incapable of going from pretending to being?
Good people don't exist.
Was that the truth? Was that really the truth? But my partner is good. And so are Koushiro-kun, Mimi-chan, Takeru-kun and Jyou-sempai… They're all so good! And I'm nothing like them! Why can't they see that I'm nothing like them?!
"Sora-san, please, talk to me." Koushiro asked, approaching her and gently touching her shoulder. "If you help me to understand your situation, I might-"
"Go away!" Sora gave an order. "You can leave whenever you want, right? Then do that!"
"I'm not leaving yet!" He stated. "I came here to help you, I'm not leaving before doing anything!"
"Stop it!" Sora pleaded, trembling.
"Sora-san, please!" The boy insisted. Sora turned around, put her right hand on his chest and pushed him away.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" She cried, running from there.
Koushiro tried to take a step forward but fell to his knees. The point in his chest that she had touched felt like freezing. The boy soon realized that the ground was completely covered by a thick layer of ice. How could she not slip on the ice? Where did it come from? Could it be?
The cold sensation spread inside his body.
"The ice… it's her m-making the ice…" He stuttered.
Koushiro coughed and little ice crystals escaped his throat. He began shaking violently and fell to the ground, with his face down.
So cold… am I freezing from the inside out? Sora-san… she did this… both the warmth and the coldness come from her… then, what is that cloaked figure? So cold… am I going to die? If I get out of here can I save myself? I can't even talk anymore… I had promised Motimon… I had promised… I can't die like this… I can't do this to them… and to Sora-san…
Suddenly, the coldness began to cease. Koushiro glanced up and saw the cloaked person kneeling by his side, with a hand extended above his back.
"What are you doing?" Koushiro asked in a weak voice.
"I can't remove the ice she put on your heart but I can alleviate your pain." The other replied.
"Am I going to die?" He inquired, fearful.
"This is a subjective landscape representing that girl's inner world. Nobody can die here." The mysterious figure explained.
"A private torture chamber…" The boy recalled the explanation Otae had given him. "Everything here is created by Sora-san's darkness… does that include you?"
"What do you think I am?" The other sounded interested in the answer.
"Someone to torment Sora-san… to stop her from moving on." Koushiro theorized.
"She doesn't need anyone to do that for her." The cloaked person replied.
"I saw you in the pyramid, right after the darkness enveloped me." He remembered. "Sora-san hadn't arrived yet. How could you be there, before her?"
"I was born in that moment, from the memory you carried." The stranger narrated. "That time when Sora disregarded her mother's preoccupation and acted immaturely."
Koushiro sat up but his eyes were focused on the icy floor. He could see the flower petals and pieces of fabric underneath.
"I didn't know enough about the situation." Koushiro spoke with no conviction. "I didn't have how to understand Sora-san's relationship with her mother."
"I was born from your mind. Don't believe for one second that you can deceive me."
"I'm not…" Koushiro muttered, unsure. He knew that he could not judge Sora, right? She was a kind person who always put others before herself. She must have had a reason to behave that way. Besides, it was presumptuous for him to attempt to understand what kind of relationship a regular kid would have with parents.
"You're as bad as Sora." The other said. "People who refuse to face their true feelings trap themselves in a labyrinth of delusions."
Koushiro shivered. He examined the stranger hidden under the dark cloak, sitting next to him. That creature had been born from Sora's memory present in Koushiro's mind. Did it mean that it was the boy who wanted to punish Sora? He did think that she had been unfair to her mother but almost immediately shut that thought down. Koushiro knew that Sora was a good person. He remembered her putting herself in danger to save him. She cared so much… he could not doubt how much she cared.
But then, the memory of Tentomon criticizing the girl hit him. Koushiro snapped at his friend, who was just concerned about him. He had the need to stand up for Sora. Why was that? Because he admired the girl? Because he felt guilty? Because he understood her? Or could it be that Koushiro deep down resented Sora, since the time he saw how she treated her own mother? But Koushiro could not admit how he felt, so he convinced himself that he did not feel those things. He convinced himself that he had no harsh feelings for Sora.
Always taking the responsibility. Always assuming that he was the one at fault. Always believing that his emotions mattered less than those of others and easily forgiving whoever harmed him. Always apologizing. Koushiro never thought much about those things; he thought he was okay by doing that. But he was not, was he? Those little things kept accumulating in his heart and kept hurting him without him noticing. And they became unrecognizable to him.
"Sora is always hurting those who love her. And that terrifies her like nothing else." The stranger said. "She makes up lies... she distorts the facts and suppresses her memory… she also fabricates culprits and puts the blame on them."
"Why did you put Birdramon in the wall?" Koushiro inquired. "You tried to freeze me too…"
"I wanted to protect you from her." The other replied. "If I kept you away from that girl, I would be able to convince you two to leave this place. The ice I create and the ice Sora creates are the same. It can't harm anyone physically. The discomfort should be enough to make you want to leave."
Koushiro placed his right hand on his chest. The freezing sensation on his heart was still present, although not as intense as before.
"You have a lot of Sora-san in you, right?" He asked.
"I've been more in contact with her mind than yours." The stranger answered. "I've seen her trapping herself in a repetitive cycle and always forgetting everything by the end of it. She doesn't learn anything… always falling for the traps she sets for herself."
"You're like the part of her who wants to protect us by sending us away, then." Koushiro theorized. "And since you originally came from me, you have an outsider perspective that enables you to see Sora-san's shortcomings."
"Like you?" The cloaked figure questioned.
After half a minute, Koushiro nodded.
"Are you going to stay here or leave?" The stranger inquired.
"I'm not really in danger, am I? I'm staying." He replied.
"She hurt you." The other said.
"That was inevitable." Koushiro affirmed.
"She'll cause you more pain if you go after her." The cloaked figure stated.
"I know." He admitted. "Maybe that's the thing… maybe people can't avoid hurting one another, wanting it or not."
"Why do you insist on going?" The stranger's voice became colder.
"Because abandoning Sora-san would hurt a lot more." Koushiro spoke with resolution, standing up.
"You're ridiculous." The mysterious person said, standing up as well. "Perhaps you'll accept my offer after failing again."
The cloaked figure touched the boy's forehead with her right hand and he had a vision of Sora hiding in a bedroom. The vision zoomed out and he saw how to get there. The fourth-grader blinked. Once he reopened his eyes, the other had disappeared.
Sora had returned to her fake apartment and locked herself in her fake room. I definitely burned my bridges with him this time, she thought. He's going away. If I stay hidden here, Birdramon will give up and leave as well. That's how it should be. That's the right thing for them to do.
But Sora did not feel any relief by thinking like that. If I really were kind… if I really thought more about other people than about me… I would be happy by being left behind, right? I should… I should be happy thinking that everybody would finally get rid of me and move on. Thick tears rolled down her cheeks. Why do I have to be scared now? How pathetic! How selfish! Just let them go, Sora! You don't deserve anyone's concern… you're not worthy anything… just let people be free from you!
"Sora-san!" Koushiro's voice came from the other side of the door.
Sora did not say anything due to shock. He had not left. Why? That did not make sense! Who would not give up on her after everything she had said? Sora wanted to tell the boy to leave but she could not. She found herself incapable of pushing him away any further. Would that even work now? Would he just keep trying to reach her, no matter how many times she rejected him? Like Birdramon? That insistence should make Sora furious. But she was not. The girl felt too tired to say anything. Perhaps, she was too tired to feel anything as well.
"You don't need to open the door or talk to me." The boy said. She could hear him sitting down and could felt his weight against the door; Sora was leaning on it too.
"I think… I resent you a little." Koushiro informed.
Of course, Sora thought, hiding her face behind her knees, feeling the hot tears flooding her eyes. So, he came here to tell me that he's leaving?
"But it isn't because of the pyramid or anything that happened afterwards." He explained.
Sora gasped in surprise.
"I wasn't aware of how I felt… maybe I just tried too hard to bury it. I knew you were a good person who cared for everybody and that…" He hesitated. "I couldn't reconcile that with how you spoke to your mother in that memory. I tried to convince myself that I didn't understand your situation and couldn't make any judgment but… it bothered me so much. It's incomprehensible to me how you could act that way when she just wanted to protect you."
"Seriously?" Sora chuckled but felt no joy. "After everything I did to you, the thing that you hold against me is how I treated my mother? What does that even have to do with you?"
"I would never talk to my parents like that, in any circumstance." Koushiro informed her. "I can't imagine anything worse than doing that."
"That's because you're a good boy and have fantastic parents." Sora said, bitterly. "You can't understand-"
"I think it's because I'm adopted." Koushiro interrupted.
Shocked, Sora could not manage to think on a comeback. Koushiro was adopted? His parents… that sweet couple who showed up for games even when he was not playing, who were always smiling and seemed to be so encouraging, who prepared him big and beautiful lunch boxes and about whom the boy always had words of admiration… those people were not related to him? They did all of that for him without having any obligation?
Sora had to hold her arms to attempt to stop her shaking.
Koushiro was so loved! He was so damn loved! His parents chose to have him in their lives! They did not see him as a continuation of them! The boy could live his life happily and in peace, without any preoccupation in letting them down. How unfair was that? If only Sora could have had a family like that, maybe she would have been less miserable.
"But children like me are not well seen by society." Koushiro's voice became somber, sending chills down Sora's spine. "I had overheard my parents talking about my adoption and searched about it online… I wish I hadn't read those vile things…"
"I'm sorry…" Sora said, ashamed for what she had thought before.
"My parents have always been kind." Koushiro continued. "But from that night on, I couldn't stop thinking that I was a problem to them. It was illogical but I convinced myself that they could regret having taken me in… that idea terrified me so much that I tried to never cause trouble… I tried to be the best son possible and to fit in… but I was too different. I knew that even before that night. No matter what I did, no matter how much I tried not to be a problem to anyone… I felt unworthy… I felt I was less than everybody else…"
Sora could no longer bear to stay sitting behind that door. She stood up and opened it. At the other side, Koushiro turned around and looked up to her; his eyes were brimmed with tears.
Feeling as if her heart was being squeezed, Sora kneeled in his front and pulled him to a tight hug.
"You're nothing like that!" She assured him. "Never think of yourself as a problem or unworthy or lesser in any way! You're a sweet kid! You always do your best, do you hear me? You're extraordinary! Never doubt that! I forbid you from ever doubting your value!"
"You're t-too kind." Koushiro sobbed.
"I'm not kind, you fool!" Sora scolded him. "I'm a fraud! I just try to be a good person but I'm not one… I'm just pretending… I deceive everybody…"
"Then, you didn't mean what you just told me about not doubting my value?" Koushiro asked, worried.
"I was telling you the truth!" Sora stated. "I don't have to be genuinely kind to tell someone the truth!"
"What is a genuinely kind person, Sora-san?" Koushiro inquired, softly. "You're capable of bringing people up even when you are down… you're capable of worrying for others even when your situation is dire… if that's not kindness, then I don't know what it is!"
"But it doesn't come to me naturally!" Sora protested. "I have to work on it, to think about what to say, to decide to act like I want to!"
"Doesn't that make it more remarkable?" Koushiro questioned. "The fact that you work hard on it… doesn't it make you more admirable? You chose to be kind, Sora-san. And you're so much more competent at it than I. I find you truly formidable."
Kindness… is a choice? Sora asked herself, while putting more force in the hug. Then… just by trying to be good… just by doing my best… does that already make me a good person?
"How can you say that to me?" The girl inquired. "You told me that you resented me for the way I treated my mother."
"I do resent you for it. And I do think that you were wrong. But the bad things you do don't erase the good things you've done." Koushiro explained.
"They… don't…?" Sora repeated. "But I did so many terrible things! I hurt Birdramon! I hurt you!"
"I know." Koushiro said.
"If you know, then why don't you go away?" She cried, trembling.
"Because I don't care less for you just because you hurt me." He replied.
"That doesn't make sense." Sora murmured.
"Making sense is not our strong point, I believe." Koushiro commented. "We overcomplicate things… we distort reality to make it fit our beliefs born from our negative feelings."
"What are you talking about?" She muttered, fearful of the answer.
"Sora-san…" Koushiro took a deep breath. "Your mother turned your alarm off because she didn't want you to get hurt."
"Stop bringing her up!" Sora pleaded. "You don't know how she is!"
"Neither does you, Sora-san!" Koushiro insisted. "The things you think about your mother aren't real; you just want to believe they're real!"
"Do you think I want to believe that my mother doesn't love me?!" Sora raised her voice, breaking the hug and glaring at the boy. "Do you think that I want to believe that she sees me as a disappointment? That she can never accept me for who I really am? Why would I want to believe in that?"
The boy gulped. For a moment, Sora thought that she had been too harsh on him. But, soon enough, Koushiro gave her an answer, looking into her eyes.
"Because it's easy." His voice was more serious than before. "It's so easy… not to defy those thoughts… to just believe in the little voice in your head telling you that your parents don't really love you. That they took you in out of pity and that someday they could regret it… and that you have to work extra hard not to be a problem for them… despite you being a problem… despite you doing everything wrong all the time…"
"Koushiro-kun…" She said, holding his hands. "Your parents love you. Anyone can tell that they love you."
"I k-know that!" Koushiro freed his left hand from Sora's grasp and wiped the tears from his eyes. "I know that they love me but… these thoughts don't go away. I can't stop feeling like I don't belong… and that makes me so damn easy to manipulate!" He interjected, seemingly angry at himself. Koushiro closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. When he reopened them, he spoke again. "Homeostasis tricked me to let it enter my mind by showing me a memory of my biological parents, who are probably dead… and then the Spirit of the World…" The boy gasped, shaking. Sora squeezed his right hand more tightly, encouraging him to continue. "… Fate made me see the 'spirits' of my biological parents… they sang to me… and they were calling me to be with them… they wanted me to die for them! And I almost… I almost obeyed them… it would be so easy to do as they told me… I thought I wouldn't have to s-suffer anymore…"
Koushiro's voice cracked and new tears busted from his eyes. Sora pulled him to another hug. He buried his face on her shoulder and cried loudly.
"Did you ever tell them?" Sora asked. "Did you ever talk to your parents?"
"They d-don't know that I k-know that I'm adopted." Koushiro sobbed. "I didn't want to t-trouble them… I n-never want to trouble them…"
The girl remembered their conversation in the underground temple. Koushiro wanted to be similar to his parents. He was always so defensive of them. And he was always so polite and soft spoken to everybody. Sora felt her own heart breaking. She had believed for so long that he was simply a socially awkward boy with a good heart, happy to help others, always smiling… not for one second she had suspected what he kept inside.
"You have to tell people how you're feeling! You can't keep this kind of thing to yourself! It's harmful!" Sora told him, soon realizing how hypocrital that sounded.
Did she not always hide her true feelings from the others? Was she not always putting up a good face so nobody would worry about her? And while she did that, she drowned in self-deprecation. She cursed herself for not really being a good person, but pretending to be one. She wanted to be sweet and look after others, unlike her mother did to her.
She felt as if her heart had skipped a beat.
"Do I do that too?" She questioned in a whisper. "Am I… giving in to my negative thoughts? Am I letting them convince me of things that are not real? Convince me that I'm a failure… that I'm… bound to let everybody down? Convince me that my mother…?"
She felt tears rolling down her face. Could Koushiro be right? Could her mother not be the heartless person Sora had believed?
The girl tried to remember moments of her childhood without letting her dark feelings influence them. She recalled the first day in kindergarten. She had returned home and gone straight to her bedroom, throwing the hair clip against a wall. Toshiko had knocked on the door, asking if she was alright. Sora had told her to go away.
The following day, when the girl used a hat to go to school for the first time, the woman asked if something had happened. The girl left the apartment without explaining anything.
That day, when Sora returned home, she found Toshiko sitting on her bedroom's floor, with a mythology book on the lap.
"Is that…?" Sora asked.
"Your father's." The woman replied. "He had to write a paper on Greek Mythology when he was in University. Do you want to know what creature he wanted to write about?"
Toshiko did not wait for the girl to reply. She opened the book and showed the child a picture of a bird made of orange and red flames.
"Phoenix?" Sora read, after approaching the book.
"That creature burned itself down and from its own ashes resurged. No matter how many tried to destroy it, it would always be reborn." Toshiko explained.
"An immortal fire bird?" Sora tried not to sound impressed.
"Do you like its plumage?" Her mother asked.
"If I like fire?" The girl was evasive.
"It's beautiful, don't you think?" Toshiko smiled.
"There's nothing beautiful about fire!" Sora stated. "It's just an ugly destructive thing…"
"It's true that it can be destructive." Toshiko agreed. "But it also gives people light and warmth. Don't you find its power admirable?"
"No." Sora denied. Her mother glanced at her with sadness and stood up.
"Maybe you just need some time to appreciate its beauty." She said, leaving the bedroom.
Was my mother using that bird as a metaphor for something? Sora wondered. Toshiko had not been aggressive in any moment during that exchange. But she had never been very expressive either. Was she trying to make me feel better about my hair and failing at communicating that? No! That can't be right! She was always cold… wasn't she? She was always disapproving of me, she didn't like me… isn't that right? It has to be… it was… or wasn't it?
The girl thought about how her mother had drove after Sora, after the girl had stormed off to try to get to the game in time. The child was standing alone in the middle of the sidewalk. Toshiko asked her to get in the car but Sora did not listen. Then, the woman left the vehicle and carried the little girl to the car. Sora tried to resist but her leg was hurting too much. She tried to muffle her crying during the silent trip to the doctor, who scolded her. Sora's leg had to be immobilized and she needed to use a crutch for a couple of weeks.
Toshiko helped the child with everything but never said much. Sora had believed that the serious expression the woman had was due to annoyance; her mother had never been easy to read. Taichi had visited her many times and Toshiko made sweets for the two of them. Toshiko had never acted like that before, when one of Sora's friends came over.
Her mother always had that serious indecipherable expression.
What was she thinking? Sora wondered. What was she feeling? Mother never told me. She didn't forbid me from joining the boys' soccer club… why was that? I never understood her at all…
Sora paid more attention to the feeling of having Koushiro in her arms. Wasn't he someone who was bad at communicating his emotions? Wasn't he someone Sora never expected to have so much pain in his heart? And now, there he was, crying on her shoulder. Letting it all out. If Toshiko ever opened up to Sora, would she cry like that too?
I never gave her a chance. Sora thought. I never tried to see things from her point of view. I was so sure she was a terrible person… I wanted to believe in that. It was better than acknowledging that we were simply different… I always thought that she couldn't forgive me for not trying to meet her expectations, but didn't I set high expectations for her as well? Could it be that I made her feel inadequate? When I rebelled against her… did I hurt her feelings? Did I ever make my mother feel like she was a failure?
Tears washed her cheeks. This time, it was Sora who hid her face in Koushiro's shoulder.
"I need to talk to my mother, once I go home." The girl whispered. "I need to ask her things… and to apologize."
"You need to apologize to the others too." Koushiro complemented. "Mimi-san even told me to scold you."
"She's a good girl." Sora said. Gently, she broke off the hug. The girl could now look at Koushiro's face. His eyes were red and a bit swollen but he showed her a small smile.
"I spent so much time imagining how I could save you…" Koushiro muttered, drying his tears. "I hadn't planned to cry on you like that… how embarrassing…"
"There's nothing embarrassing about it." Sora reprehended him, rubbing her eyes. "Besides, I did the same thing."
"Otae-san said that we had similar personalities." Koushiro recalled. "I thought I had to focus on that to reach you but… maybe it was our differences that I should've focused on."
"What?" Sora smirked. "Our similarities separated us but our differences brought us together?"
Koushiro chuckled.
"I remembered something kind of random." He said. "Do you know Camões?"
"Who?" Sora asked.
"A Portuguese poet from the Great Navigations time, I think." Koushiro explained. "I read a translation of one of his poems sometime ago. A poem about paradoxes... probably…"
"How was it?" Sora inquired, in a soft voice.
"I don't remember much… there was a part about… a wound that hurt without being felt… and fire that burned without being seen…"
Suddenly, Koushiro placed his right hand over his chest.
"It's warm." He said, surprised. "I didn't notice when it happened."
"You were cold… where I had touched you?" Sora paled, glancing at her hands. "I did that… I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything…"
"It's okay, honestly." Koushiro smiled. "The cloaked person said that this place is a representation of your mind. Maybe the warmth and the coldness are linked to your emotional state."
"That thing… didn't hurt you?" Sora inquired.
"She wanted to take me and Birdramon out of the orb." The boy replied. "She was born from the memory I had seen in the mirror… some of my negative feelings might've influenced her. But she's mainly part of you now… and she wanted to protect Birdramon and me."
"Protect you two from me." Sora thought aloud. "Birdramon wouldn't leave me behind. No matter how much I messed up, she wouldn't give up on me."
"None of us would." Koushiro clarified. "You're our dear friend, Sora-san. We all would do anything to help you, and we know that you would do the same for us."
"I would." Sora had a serene smile. She could make mistakes and hurt those she loved, but they would always forgive her in the end. They trusted her and cared for her. Now Sora had come to understand that, if she opened her heart to them, they would understand. And the girl would do the same for them whenever they needed.
"Koushiro-kun, you can leave now." She told him, standing up and helping the boy to do the same.
"But-" The boy was going to protest. Sora put her right hand on one of his shoulders, which made him stay quiet.
"It's okay." She smiled. "You helped me a lot."
Koushiro blushed. He seemed to think deeply about something for a few seconds, and then he said in loud voice:
"I want to leave the orb!"
In a blink of an eye, he disappeared. Sora left the apartment and soon the building as well. On the street, hot wind caressed her face. She looked up and saw the sky being taken by huge orange flames. The crest of love shone vividly among them.
Sora ran in the direction of the wall of ice, paying attention to nothing else. Once she arrived there, the girl saw Birdramon's body almost completely free from the melting ice.
"Sora!" The digimon called the girl, happily. Sora jumped to her and embraced her partner's neck.
"I'm sorry, Birdramon. I hurt you so much." The girl told her. "I made terrible mistakes."
"It's okay." Birdramon shed tears of joy.
"I need to make it up for you and everybody else." Sora said, leaning back and looking into her friend's eyes. "Thank you for waiting for me."
The digimon was gladly surprised to hear that. Sora is not drowning in guilt anymore.
"I can't believe it." A voice said behind them. Sora turned around and saw the cloaked figure.
"You!" Birdramon hissed.
"It's okay, she's not our enemy." Sora calmed her friend down. She went to the stranger and, once she was only one step away, the girl pulled the other's hood.
Staring back at her there was a girl with reddish eyes and hair of fire.
"Another… Sora?" Birdramon was confused.
"She's part of me." Sora explained. "She wanted to protect you from myself."
"I thought there was no hope for you." The other said, becoming transparent. "I thought you would never stop hitting the same dead end."
"That would've happened if I had stayed by myself." Sora admitted.
The other chuckled.
"All you needed was a shoulder to cry on? Seriously?"
"Isn't that what everybody needs?" Sora smirked.
The other Sora had almost totally disappeared. Before vanishing completely, she said one last thing:
"No more running away."
Sora picked her glowing red digivice and pointed it to the sky.
"Never." She vowed.
The sky was torn apart and the orange flames descended. Instead of burning, they felt like a warm rain. The crest shrunk and fell into the digivice like a shooting star. Once it was absorbed, the machine emitted red and orange flames that completely surrounded Birdramon.
"BIRDRAMON SUPER EVOLVES TO… GARUDAMON!"
A giant bird with arms and legs emerged from the flames and lowered one of her hands to Sora's level. The girl jumped on it immediately.
"We can't let them wait anymore." Sora said.
"Let's go!" Garudamon replied, ascending to a world free of darkness.
Mimi, Jyou, Takeru, Tanemon, Pukamon, Patamon and Motimon had entered the room after Koushiro was absorbed. The boy's partner had explained what Otae had said about the orb.
"All of this because of a broken mirror?" Mimi was surprised.
"I wonder what kind of memory Koushiro saw." Patamon commented.
"We shouldn't ask them about it. It'd be rude." Jyou said.
"Sora-san wanted to protect me…" Takeru muttered, looking down. "All of this because she couldn't trust me."
"You weren't giving good reasons for her to trust you." Tanemon told the boy. "Snapping at people doesn't send a good message."
"Angemon had just died." Takeru said. "I'm getting better now…"
"We know that." Mimi smiled at the little boy. "I'm sure Sora-san knows that too. But it's a slow process."
"Things changed and we have to adjust ourselves to them." Jyou added. "Everything is messy right now and we were dealing with things out of our control…"
"Then, I should work hard." Takeru decided. "I have to convince you all that I don't need to be protected instead of just complaining about it."
"Everybody needs to be protected once in a while." Mimi said. "People can be both fragile and strong. That's why we need to support one another. When someone is down, the people who are in a better place can bring them up. And then, when these people get down, they can be helped by those helped before."
"Mimi-han, that was beautiful." Motimon grinned at her. "Be sure to tell Koushiro-han once he comes back."
"No need for that. I've heard it." Koushiro's voice caught their attention. They looked to their left and saw the boy standing there, smiling.
"Koushiro-han!" Motimon went to him. "Are you okay? You don't seem hurt! That's good! Where are your gloves?"
"Oh." The boy seemed to only notice the absence of his gloves in that moment. "They stayed behind."
"What about Sora-san?" Takeru asked, apprehensively.
"We had a good talk. I think she's better now." Koushiro replied.
"You had a good talk during the couple of minutes you were away?" Pukamon was skeptical.
"Couple of minutes?" Koushiro sounded surprised. "I see… time must be faster inside the orb."
"Should it be glowing like that?" Mimi inquired, pointing to the sphere. It was glowing in red and orange, and emitting heat.
"We'd better not get too close to it." Jyou suggested.
They all went to the opposite side of the room. Suddenly, the orb exploded, dispersing flames that did not burn. Once the air was cleared, Garudamon had replaced the orb. The giant bird-like creature kneeled and lowered one palm to the floor. Sora jumped from it to the ground.
"Guys!" She called them. I have so much to apologize for. And so much to explain. How should I begin? She wondered. Before she could say anything else, Takeru ran to her and hugged her tightly.
"SOOOORAAA-SAAANNN!" The little boy cried.
"T-Takeru-kun!" Sora was taken aback. "I'm so sorry! I'm sorry for worrying you like that… for worrying you all…"
"You better be sorry, Sora-san!" Mimi scolded the older girl, getting close to her. However, her disapproving look soon changed to a teary one. The fourth-grader also hugged Sora and cried. "Don't scare us like that again!"
"I won't. I promise." Sora said, softly, putting an arm around each child.
"I want a hug too!" Pyokomon said, jumping around Sora.
"Pyokomon, when did you…?" The fifth-grader was confused, glancing from the little digimon to the spot where Garudamon had been moments before.
"We have many things to talk about, Sora-kun." Jyou told her. "But before that... what happened to your hands?!"
"Ah!" Sora was startled. "I can explain! I need to explain a lot… I don't want to hide things from you guys again."
They all sat in a circle and Sora told them everything, starting from her relationship with her mother. She hesitated in some points, but kept going, knowing that she owed them an explanation. Mimi had a sorrowful look on her face when Sora mentioned that she had been bullied because of her hair. Jyou paled and showed Sora an apologetic look when the fifth-grader explained how she felt about continuing her family's tradition. Takeru, who had already heard about Sora's father living away, developed even greater sympathy for the girl now that he understood how much his absence hurt her. When it came to the part of her conversation with Koushiro, she tried to omit the details, but the fourth-grader boy took it on himself to explain everything.
That full disclosure was not easy for any of them. They got anxious and got tears in their eyes at some points. But nobody pressured or interrupted Sora or Koushiro. Once the narration was over, nobody said anything for a brief moment.
"Are you… okay?" Sora inquired, uneasy.
"Are you?" Takeru asked, worried, looking from Sora to Koushiro.
"I can't understand how you could keep so much to yourselves." Mimi murmured.
"If you had told me how you felt, Sora-kun, I wouldn't-" Jyou began.
"I thought I couldn't possibly be your leader." Sora did not let him finish. "I allowed my misconceptions to cloud my views and couldn't see my own value clearly. I thought that I wasn't as good as you perceived me and was terrified of you finding that out. I was scared… I kept things from you that I shouldn't have. I'm deeply sorry for behaving like that."
"We've already forgiven you, Sora-san." Mimi assured the older girl and everybody nodded in agreement.
Sora smiled, brightly, and continued:
"I want to help you and look after you all. And if I get overwhelmed, I'd like to be helped by you as well. If it's okay… if you all agree…" She took a deep breath. "I would like to be your leader. I promise you I'll do my best."
Everybody remained quiet for one long minute. Pyokomon was the first one to manifest.
"If that's what you really want, I give you all my support!"
"I already considered Sora-san our leader but it's good to make it official." Takeru said.
"I know Sora-kun will do a great job." Jyou affirmed. "I only ask her to keep being sincere with us and letting us help her."
"Jyou, she already said she was going to do that. Were you paying attention?" Pukamon teased.
"O-Of course I was!" Jyou blushed intensely.
"I wholeheartedly accept Sora-san as our leader!" Mimi announced.
"Me too." Koushiro added, giving the older girl a confident smile.
"I have no complaints." Tanemon declared.
"If a leader is needed, it better be a kind one." Patamon commented.
"If everybody agrees, I won't oppose." Motimon said.
"Thank you." Sora felt a couple of tears forming in her eyes and did not feel the need to wipe them. She was at peace, showing all of her to her trusted friends. She would give her all and that would be enough, because she knew how much she mattered for them.
If kindness was a choice, maybe love was promise. And Takenouchi Sora promised to herself that she would never again lie to those she loved.
The poem Koushiro alludes to is called "Amor é um Fogo que Arde sem se Ver" by Luís Vaz de Camões.
Also, I want to wish a happy birthday to my friend SkuAg. I had planned for this chapter to coincide with your special day. I dedicate "A short story about love" to you, wonderful Sku. :)