S2 E2 - Some Kind of Code

"Not all women are nuns and/or bikini-babes, you know. About 90% of us are perfectly ordinary average people. There's no reason to fear us all."

"I don't fear women… if they keep their distance. I just don't know what they want."

"We want what you want… love, happiness, safety, friends…"

"Well then why don't you just say so?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's like you all talk in some kind of code."

"We do not!"

"Yes, you do! Might I remind you of the big fight we had just last week? Over wine?"

"Wine?! We never talked about… oh. Do you mean your cruel comparison of me to the 'house red'?"

"There! You see?! I did NOT say you were the house red! You asked me about going on a blind date and I said…"

"I NEVER asked you out on a blind date!"

"I didn't say you did! You wanted to know…"

"Besides, you were clearly NOT interested later that night when…"

"Oh! Oh! Look! You're doing it AGAIN!" Pause. "Um, when what?"

"Doing WHAT again?" Pause. "When what… what?"

"You're twisting everything I say into an insult… almost like you WANT to fight… like you enjoy fighting in general and with ME in particular." Pause. "Um, about me not being interested that night…"

"WHAT night?"

"The night of the red dress… I mean the blind date!" Averted gaze.

"My blind date? THAT night? It was a disaster, same as…" Keen glance, lidded look. "The red dress? THAT'S what you remember?" Little smile.

He leaps to his own defense, "Women always do it… always. Say one thing and mean another. How are men supposed to cope?"

"Obviously, you can't… which is why you need an interpreter… and… Wait a minute! WHAT women? When! Where?"

Eyes closed. A groan. The very questions he had avoided last week with such thankful relief… and here they were… thrown right back into his face! Serves me right for pushing my luck! LUCK?! Hah! If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all! The best defense is a good offense, right? Right! He takes a deep breath and gives it his best effort, "An interpreter? Who? You? Who will translate what YOU say so I can understand it?"

"I make perfect sense! All the time. You just don't listen."

"Oh, is that right? And do YOU listen? What did you think I meant by a 'mature Rioja'?"

Sudden lull. "This is about the wine again, isn't it?"

"It is and it isn't. I was trying to compliment you but instead you tried to set fire to me. Some interpreter! That's the thanks I get… Er, what are you doing?"

"I'm looking up 'mature Rioja'…"

"Um, no need for that. What's passed is passed. We should move on…" Shuffling of expensive leather.

Smug look, pleased smile, "Well, well, well…"

"Now look, I can't be held accountable for every poser's wine review…"

"Velvety smooth, wonderful finish, exotic hints of vanilla and leather…"

"It's very good wine."

"Rich DEEP sensuous colour…"

"Oh, well…"

"Ideal for quiet intimate settings…"

"Good value for the money."

"A romantic finish to a meal... a hopeful start to an erotic evening…"

Wide panicked eyes, "It NEVER DOES say that!"

"Well, I'm interpreting. That's my job, after all…"

"You can't just make up stuff out of thin air!"

"Yes, I can! Especially if I like my version of the conversation."

Mutual silence. He is the first to break it, "Now, you see, I don't understand what you just said. I know what all the words MEAN but… it's some kind of code, isn't it?"

Sigh. "Yes, it is. Can't you tell by my tone of voice? My body language? No clue at all?"

Sad head shake. "No. Can't you just talk to me? Person to person. Or DS to DI?"

"Not DS to DI… this isn't business. It's personal so why not man to woman?"

"Oh, well, then we're in trouble. I barely understand men. Women are beyond me."

"OK, person to person it is then."

"Please. What are you trying tell me? Is it important?"

The pacing begins. He watches hopefully, sees her pause twice to try to speak but then the pacing starts up once more. Camille? Lost for words? My god, it must be the end of the world! He can't stand to watch any more, "Is it really that complicated? I can't imagine anything that you can't handle with ease. Can you at least give me a hint?"

"OK." Deep breath. "Here goes. You are a very attractive man…"

"No, I'm not."

"… and I… WHAT?! Are you calling me a LIAR? After that impassioned 'let's communicate' speech?"

"Well, then, talk sense. You're wrong."

"Am I? And you know what I find attractive, do you?"

"No clue at all."

"Well, I'm trying to TELL you but you're not listening!"

"You're trying to start another fight, aren't you? Why are you DOING that?"

"Because it's FUN! Fun and stimulating! Stimulating and passionate! THAT'S why! Happy now?"

Long thoughtful silence. "So… the words don't actually matter?"

"No."

"How can that be? Words always matter."

"Except where they can't really say what you need to say."

"But…"

"I know. You don't understand. Again. I wish I could make you understand."

"You said I was attractive. Did you really mean that?"

"Yes."

"And by 'attractive' you mean…?"

"REALLY? That's the word you're hung up on? It only has one meaning!"

"Well, no, attractiveness has many variables; mental, spiritual, emotional…"

"… physical…"

Slight stammer, "Wh… which variable are we discussing here?"

"All of them plus quite a few more that I haven't really… Look, I don't have a shopping list, you know!"

"But you must have SOME idea. All those blind dates must have focussed you somewhat."

"The blind dates again! That really bothers you, doesn't it?" Averted gaze, slight nod. "OK, let's see… can I put my finger on it? Hmmm, are you listening?" Nod. "Closely?" Another nod. "OK, are you ready?" She leans in and drops her voice, "None of them were you."

He frowns, waits a beat, expecting more. "That's it?"

She throws her hands up, "That's it."

"But that's… how can you… that doesn't… no one is me except ME."

Pleased 'now he GETS it' smile, "Exactly!"

"I don't get it."

Frown, "You don't? How is that possible? How much more explicit can I be?"

"Explicit? Do you even KNOW the definition of the word? I think you've confused the word with 'opaque' or perhaps even 'clear as mud'."

"Explicit… you want EXPLICIT? Come closer, I'll have to whisper this because it's pretty explicit."

He does so, hoping for clarification… and remains frozen in stunned amazement and growing embarrassment as the whispering goes on for many moments punctuated by various tiny hand movements and body shiftings.

Finally, she sits back, "There, does that clear things up?"

His turn to pace now. Pace and loosen his tie. Loosen his tie and realign the paradigm of his life. Finally, he stills a bit shakily and passes a hand over his brow, "I can't BELIEVE you said that! To ME! I know I asked for explicit… but REALLY!"

"I aim to please."

A worried sideways glance, "Um, OK. That's a lot to take in. I'm not sure I can… I mean, you're not serious, surely?"

"Now who's talking in code?" A helpless look and lost shake of the head. "OK… so you don't believe me. Well then, can I at least achieve #1 on my list?"

He flinches, "I don't remember what #1 was! I can't allow lewd public behaviour, not on my own person! What was #1 again?"

"To put my arms around you. That is hardly lewd and this is hardly public."

"Well NO, but…"

"Too late… and there. Does this hurt?"

"Well no, BUT…"

"Think you could stiffen up a bit more so it feels totally wooden?"

"Sorry… I'm just not used to…"

"If it helps, imagine I'm Meg…"

"Don't you SAY it! I've tried so hard to live that down! Don't you EVER say it!"

"All right but why were you so soppy over her and never me?"

"Because I was so HOME-sick! Because I was out of my mind! Because she was the soppy type! The type that needed rescuing… needed a man…"

"And I'm NOT?"

"YOU?! Oh, my god… SO not! Don't you know how scary you are? I'm still smarting from that strip you tore off me during the dead bride case. You can shoot the eye out of a gnat. Men are putty in your hands. No one can best you. NO one!"

"You can."

"I… what?"

"You can. You've bested me since day one. You just didn't know it."

"What are you talking about?"

"Remember when we met? Right here? I was hiding behind the bed? You menaced me with the mop?"

"Oh, the mop. Not my best moment."

"Do you know what I wanted to do about 10 seconds into our first conversation?"

"Clean? Dust? Do a laundry?"

"No… items #3 and #4 on my list of explicitness."

"Remind me again? I don't quite remember…"

"No, I'm sure the shock hasn't worn off yet. By the way, have you noticed anything odd?"

"Odd? Odder than this whole conversation, you mean? No. What?"

"Not only are my arms around you, but…"

They both look down. His arms are around her too.

He clears his throat, "Well, that IS odd. And… I don't seem to feel the slightest urge to step away."

A smile. "Can I move on to item #2?"

"Is it lewd?"

"Could be. Could also be innocent and chaste. Won't know until…"

"… until we give it a go, yes?"

"Ye…" but she is interrupted, ambushed, and otherwise waylaid for many moments until, "Now JUST a minute! I was supposed to kiss YOU not the other way around!"

"Maybe I've been compiling my own list these past few minutes. Could happen."

"Oh, I see. And is your list as explicit as mine?"

"Let's get through item #3 and compare our lists on the way to item #4, shall we?"

"So you DO remember…"

"The shock has worn off. I remember everything plus I'm having new and intriguing thoughts of my own."

"Finally! So… no more secret code?"

"No. Plain speaking from here on in."

"Yes, emphasis on the 'in'! Did you understand THAT code word?"

"Oh, yes, plain as day and easily supplied."

"This will be like one of our fights; fun, stimulating, and passionate."

"But hopefully with less cluelessness and shouting."

"Well, as to the shouting… that remains to be seen…"

He smiles and slips his hands up her back, "… seen… AND heard."

END