I Ordered Russia Online I Didn't Get Him

by JoyHeart

I didn't bother asking what a 'unit' was. It was Ivan freaking Braginski related and damn it I wanted one! Unfortunately stupid company is stupid and did not send me what I asked for. Based on "est. 1995"'s Formerly Lollidictator manuals, here's my story. I feel unoriginal.

3. Is This Some Strange Marketing Campaign?

I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.

Chapter 3: So What, Is This Some Strange Marketing Campaign or Something?

Apparently, the gods are firmly against me fulfilling my sexual wishes. Why else would they do this to me? All I wanted was to order a potential sex toy in the shape of an attractive animated character, and I end up with the self-absorbed idiot personification of Prussia and an adorable little kid version of my sex god who is about to enter a house that is not exactly built to house children. That is, not if I don't want to scar them for life.

"Mother Russia, are you okay?" asked the little Ivan junior, standing up in the crate and looking concerned over my heavy frown and dark, twitching eyebrows.

"I'm not Mother Russia," I said darkly, moving away from the crate and going to stand in the corner. The gods hated me. My life was trash. Why.

"So what's in the crate?" Prussia asked, moving in to get a look. I watched him from my corner as he looked over the edge.

"Oh! Are you Mother Russia?" The little voice came from inside the crate.

Prussia gave a look I would've laughed at if I wasn't feeling the doldrums of disappointment leeching through my veins. No full grown Ivan. No BDSM yaoi today. No backbreaking sex against the headboard watched through a video camera… oh wait, I forgot to order that didn't I?

"Do I LOOK like a girl to you?" Prussia demanded into the crate as I continued to think about this.

'Okay… well I did forget to order the surveillance system… perhaps I could do that now? And then just call the company and have them take back the kid and give me the real deal! I-it's easily rectified. Everything is fine. Though seriously, to mess this up twice in a row is really bad service…' I clapped my hands together and forced a smile onto my face. "Okay! I know what I'm going to do!" I pointed at Prussia who had his attention drawn by the whole hand clapping thing. "You will babysit while I order something online. Then I will call the Unit Company or whatever it's called…"

"It's called Unit Co., yeah," Prussia shrugged, "But I'm too awesome to babysit."

"Just watch the kid and keep him in the crate. And… and we should probably get the vodka out of there too, I don't think kids should drink that stuff…" I walked over to the crate and reached down to get the vodka but Little Ivan jumped on the bottles.

"NO! I need it! It is Russian fuel!" Little Ivan screamed, looking up at me with wide pleading eyes.

I blinked and withdrew my hand. "Um, sure why not," I mumbled. It wasn't like he would be here long anyway. And well… that wide eyed look was kind of hard to refuse. Damn, I knew Ivan was cute as a kid but when faced with him in person like this with such an expression was just unfair.

"You're letting him keep the vodka?" Prussia snorted, "You seriously suck as a parent."

"I'm not a parent! I have no intention of being a parent!" I snapped, "I am totally unqualified… plus then I'd probably have to get married and cut down on my perversion indulging and… and well… I can't do that okay? A-anyway, just watch the crate, I'll be back." And with that I marched out of the front hall, through the kitchen, down the hallway and into my bedroom.

Sitting down at my swivel chair and giving it a good three spins just to keep my mood up, I quickly logged onto Amazondotcom and began looking for an in-house hidden camera network system and set-up package. Some would call it a horrid wonder that the internet had progressed to a stage where I could choose a system that would place cameras in all rooms in my house including the bathrooms and have people install it in under seven days, paying for it all with a account and a few clicks of a mouse. I wouldn't call it a wonder however; I would be more inclined to call it only natural. After all, the first thing people did with the internet was use it to mass market porn, then they made human shaped robots because they needed human shaped sex toys... and now apparently genetic engineering and cloning was being used to sell sex slaves to horny anime fans across the world. In a world of such perversions, to be able to buy and install such a clearly invasive system in a home so easily is a simple concept to accept.

Once my camera system was ordered, I leaned back in my seat, trained my eyes on a rather naughty fan art of Light Yagami chained to a chair and L licking whipped creamed from his... well you can imagine, and wondered what I should do about Little Ivan in the crate. When it came down to it I would probably have to send him back and ask for my fully grown Braginski. After all, besides the fact that the small child would require much more hands-on care than a full grown Unit, I would also probably have to make some alterations to my house. Like taking porn off my ceiling. And not swearing as much. Like hell I would do that.

So with a sigh, I wandered out my bedroom and toward the kitchen. I had left the Russia manual in the front hall, so I intended to grab Prussia's manual and look up the customer service hotline number again. However, upon entering the kitchen I heard Prussia speaking to Little Ivan and I couldn't help but be tempted to listen in, though I stayed out of sight.

"No, I'm not Mother-fucking-Russia! I'm Prussia," there was a pause; "You will call me 'Your Awesomeness'."

"You are Russia? No, I am Russia!" said the soft yet insistent voice of Little Ivan. He sounded in good spirits. Bah, and even his voice was hopelessly adorable. I was going to have to hurry and call the company before I lost the nerve. I grabbed Prussia's manual from the counter where I'd left it and began to riffle through it for the customer service phone number.

"No, I said I'm Prussia. With a P damn it!"

"You know in my Cyrillic alphabet, the letter that looks like the P in the Latin alphabet makes your R sound," Little Ivan piped up.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Prussia asked huffily.

"I am just making an observation. When I get older and more powerful, I will become friends with you, yes?"

"Phht, like I'd ever be friends with a creepy psycho like you!"

"Creepy?"

"Yeah, you're fucking creepy!"

I found the phone number and picked up the cordless. Hopefully, this would be the last time I'd have to call customer service but... well I wouldn't bet my collection of Gakuen Heaven body pillows on it at any rate.

"Are you sure? Because my sisters do not find me very creepy, though sometimes I think Natalya acts a little creepy. I don't really speak to many others right now though, not until I have grown big. Are you sure you are not Mother Russia?"

The automated voice rang in my ear. "Hello, you have reached the Customer Service Hotline for Hetalia Units..." blah blah, I pressed five for exchanges.

"NO! I'm not a fucking girl! I am the Awesome Prussia!"

"Hmm... so who was the woman I saw when I woke up then?"

I grasped the phone hard as I pressed one for receiving a unit contrary to the one I ordered. "Gilbert if you tell him I'm Mother Russia so help me god I'll..." I muttered under my breath.

"Eh, you can call her Mom. That's what I do, since the bitch still hasn't told me her name yet."

"Oh, so she is Mother Russia?"

"DAMN IT GILBERT!" I screamed, punching three for having activated and interacted with the incorrect unit.

"Why is Mother Russia angry?"

"Kesesesesese..."

"I'm not Mother Russia! Now shut up, I've got to talk to the guy who's going to fix this mess," I snapped, finally poking my head into the front hall again. Prussia was leaning against the wall, and Little Russia seemed to have leapt up enough to hang onto the edge of the crate facing the Prussian, his legs still dangling inside. He turned his head and smiled as I came into the room, holding the phone.

"Oh, hello Mother Russia! May I come out of the box now?" he waved, and losing his grip fell back into the crate making an 'oof' sound as he landed. Prussia broke into hysterical laughter and called the toddler nation something in German that I likely didn't want to understand (nor did I honestly care too much).

"Jesus," I hissed, sending Prussia a glare as the same harassed voice from before sounded in my ear. Once again, I found it a little familiar but couldn't place it. Oh well, like it mattered. I went back to the kitchen as I listened.

"Hello, this is the returns and exchanges help desk. I understand that you have a Unit that you did not order and it has already been activated and interacted with?"

"Yeah. I called you two days ago when you sent me Prussia instead of Russia. Kudos on the speedy delivery of the replacement and all, but you fucked up again. Big time."

There was an exasperated sigh on the other end. "Is this a Chibi Unit that you received, or an altogether different model that looks nothing like what you originally sent out for?"

"Chibi this time bub and lemme tell you, I'm not happy. Seriously, what the fuck? What kind of service do you run over there? How the hell do you screw up a simple order twice in a row?" I huffed into the receiver. Because seriously, that's just bad business.

"Well... to be fair, we did ship it rather quickly so... mistakes are made?"

"I had better be getting some god damn reciprocation for this mess! I could sue you, ya know!" Well... not that I knew exactly how to go about suing someone and Lord knows that seems more of an American tactic but if they kept depriving me of my fully grown, outrageously well-endowed Ivan Braginski they deserved anything I could throw at them, lawyers included!

"Now hang on a minute, we can fix this! Now if it's a chibi unit... you got Russia right? So, oh. Russia. Little Russia. Erm... well technically we could take him back but uh, first you have to seal him back in the box. And I would do it quick before you start to get too attached."

"What? Attached? You've got to be kidding; I can shut a little kid into a box!" I snapped, walking into the front hall and set down the phone. Prussia seemed to have heard my outburst on the phone and was somewhat gaping at me as I brushed past him, grabbed the lid and glared down into the box. Little Ivan looked up at me.

"M-Mother Russia?" he whispered, starting to shiver. I hesitated. Oh shit. "What a-are you doing Mother Russia? I-I'm scared of the dark, and it's lonely if I am by myself... please don't..." His pleading look was cast upon me once again. Shit shit shit shit shit...

"SHIT!" I screamed, throwing the box lid at Prussia, who didn't expect it and didn't have time to block it. He immediately let loose a long stream of swear words in both English and German as the crate lid smashed into his face. Great things to be teaching the kid. I snatched the phone back up and marched back to the kitchen.

"Well?"

"I... can't."

"...right. Well that can happen, Little!Russia is one of the more difficult Units to send back."

"Well can't you just send someone to pack him back up?"

"No, that's not really our department so... um, we're very sorry about this, but lacking the wrongly delivered unit when it is technically possible for you to return your incorrect delivery, if you want a full grown Ivan Braginski Unit you will have to order (and pay for) another one."

"... You have one twisted marketing campaign there bub. And what the hell, I can't raise a toddler! My house is filled with porn and I swear all the time, not to mention I have a Prussia Unit and according to the troubleshooting section of the manual he's going to bully Little Ivan into next year!"

"I suppose I can see where you're coming from. Here, I'm going to speak with my supervisor and get right back to you, deal?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," I muttered, turning to glance back into the front hall where Prussia seemed to be stemming off his nose bleed.

"What the fuck did you have to do that for?" Prussia demanded; his eyes bloodshot (well, more so than usual, they were always red).

"Mother Russia is very angry..." a soft but ominous voice came from the crate. The box trembled slightly; I assumed the kid was shaking. Fantastic, he's been in the house less than an hour and I'd already traumatised him. Do I really need to re-iterate that I shouldn't be trusted with children? Hell even my dogs and cats seemed to have fled all the noise and commotion...

Oh wait no; I could see that Coco was now in the kitchen pawing at the cabinet with her cat food. Figures, I hadn't fed her today yet and nothing would stand in the way of her and her food. No wonder she was so pudgy.

"Meeeeeyooooow..." she howled mournfully at me. With a grumble I opened the cupboard, grabbed her food dish and filled it with cat food as I listened to Prussia continue to swear and Little Ivan tremble in the crate... not to mention the hold music on the phone was some Nickleback song I didn't particularly like. A few days ago my life was so peaceful, just me and my adorable pets and all the anime merchandise I wanted, where the hell did that lovely time go?

I had just set the bowl in front of my cat (who started shoving her face in it immediately) when the customer service rep picked up the line again.

"Hey, I've got good news!"

"You're going to send me a full sized Ivan Braginski and send some sort of child services person to pick up the small one?" I asked hopefully. Because... well you know.

"HA! Hear that brat? Mother Russia's getting rid of you!" Prussia sniggered from the front hall, having calmed his swearing enough to listen to by phone conversation apparently.

"What? Wh-why would Mother Russia do such a thing? Does she not care about me?" Little Ivan had stopped trembling it seemed, but now I could hear sniffles coming from the box.

"SHUT UP GILBERT!" I roared. I took a couple of deep breaths. "N-no, I'm not getting rid of you sweetie! I'm just... erm..." I trailed off, unsure if the kid was even listening or not, I couldn't see into the crate from here.

"Er..."

"Uh, sorry go on," I muttered into the phone.

"Well, if you're not going to shut him back in the box for shipping we can't send a full grown Ivan Braginski. You'll have to fill out another order form for that. However, because you do not believe yourself capable of taking care of a child unit, my supervisor has given the go ahead to send you a Unit that features child rearing capabilities!"

"The hell... I don't want another Unit if it isn't Ivan Braginski!"

"Well... it would be free. How about I list the options available?"

"Free? Er... well I suppose... yeah. Go ahead, what've you got?" If nothing else, maybe I could get one that would offer more pairing options for Ivan or Gilbert, and having someone else take care of Little Ivan could only be a good idea.

"Alright. Oh, and so you're aware all these options are only Hetalia Units. If you in the future decide you want a different Unit to take care of children, Unit Co offers a wide selection of different animated character Units that can be viewed on our company website that-"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll check it out, what are my options for a freebie then?"

"Freebie? What, they're sending another one?" I jumped, the voice coming from so close behind me. I spun and was within a ruler's length of Prussia, who was apparently trying to hear both parts of the conversation now.

"Go back and watch Ivan!" I snapped, holding the phone away and sending Prussia a glare.

"Not till I find out who you're getting sent this time!"

"Er..."

"Sorry, go on..." I muttered into the phone, still giving Prussia my darkest look. He looked pissed, but still didn't leave. Goddamn fuck of a Prussian when my full grown Ivan got here (which he most certainly would, I would be off to order him again as soon as I hung up) I would personally lock him in a room with the guy until he was so firmly lodged into "frightened" mode that no amount of therapy would ever cure him!

"Yes well... the Units for Hetalia we have with child care functions are Yong-Soo Im, Yao Wang, Feliciano Vargas, and Vash Zwingli. Do any of these Units interest you?"

I searched my brain for the nation equivalents of those names. Though I loved Hetalia to death, those names were only used in Fan fiction so I was limited to what Fan fiction I liked to read.

"Okay, that's China, Italy... Vash is... Sweden? No, Switzerland. Who was Yong-Soo again?"

"South Korea, and don't fucking get him, get Italy!" Prussia gave an extremely perverted grin.

"What about Corey?"

"Oh... oh right. He said he'd call me today..." Prussia looked a little uncertain.

I disregarded this and spoke into the phone again. "South Korea? Yeah, no, I don't want to be groped anymore thanks," I scowled. No more groping unless it was Russia of course. Then he could grope me all he wants. "And... I don't know, Italy? Child care? Really?"

"Yes, I know he doesn't quite seem the type but he loves kids!"

"Yes, but loving kids and taking care of them are pretty different... plus I think Italy's afraid of Russia so... huh. Switzerland? I'm pretty sure he won't be happy with Canada's gun control laws."

"So Yao Wang then?"

"I suppose so... hey, that could work out well when I get my full grown Ivan, right?" I grinned.

"Yeah... and hey, it could even distract him from the awesome me! Not that anyone could get distracted from the awesome me but... definitely get that one!"

"Shut up," I hissed at Prussia before speaking into the phone again, "But yeah... okay fine. China then. Super."

"Alright, seeing as you seem desperate, I'll have them ship your babysitter Unit ASAP. I hope you will continue your business with us in the future, could I have your shipping information?"

With a sigh I relayed this over the phone and hung up. I frowned at Prussia, who was giving me a look with raised eyebrows.

"What?" I asked after a moment of staring each other down.

"Nothing," Prussia shrugged. "So where's the stupid brat sleeping? Cause it's not my room, I am WAY too awesome to share a room."

"Obviously I wouldn't-" I was cut off by the phone in my hand ringing. I jumped a little at the sound, I heard it very rarely. I typically did the calling. I held up a finger to indicate that Prussia should hold that thought while I answered. "Um, hello?"

"Yeah, uh, hi! It's Corey... is Gilbert around?"

"Unfortunately," I grumbled and handed the phone to a suddenly delighted Prussia. He practically giggled as he grabbed the phone and ran off for his basement, babbling incoherently on the way. Was that in character for Prussia? I really couldn't tell anymore. I sighed and walked into the front hall, glancing into the crate.

Little Ivan wasn't there.

"FUCK!" I shouted. This was just too much, how was I supposed to live my cushy life with this sort of crap going on? I can't handle this. It had been way too long since I had constant interaction with other people... Units... clones... anyone... so to suddenly be thrown into this was just overwhelming. I circled the crate. No Ivan. I checked the closet. No Ivan. I went to the kitchen (even though I had just been there) and checked around. No Ivan. No Ivan in the living room. I ran upstairs. No Ivan. I checked the downstairs bathroom. No Ivan.

One room left. Oh god, it would be, wouldn't it? I, for the first time, turned my head and forced myself to look at my bedroom door. It was open a crack. I winced and moved toward it, pushing it open. Little Ivan was standing dead center in the room, eyes fixated upward. At his feet, Coco was brushing up against him as his fingers absently scratched at her head.

"Um... Ivan? You, er... you okay?" Damn! I just kept traumatizing this kid over and over...

Little Ivan's gaze from the ceiling broke suddenly and he looked at me with a wide smile on his face.

"Those men on the ceiling must be very good friends, they hug each other very close! When I get big, I can have friends like those, yes?"

I opened my mouth to say something, but quickly closed it. When he gets big, yeah, I would want... well not this Ivan specifically but the big version of him yes I... no I had to wipe that perverted grin off my face! Okay good, um...

"Y-you can have friends now Ivan, don't be silly!" W-wait what the hell was I saying? "Er, not friends like those specifically because... because uh..." Little Ivan looked confused, maybe slightly hurt too? Oh fuck oh fuck, I AM NOT GOOD WITH CHILDREN. "H-hey, you can't just go walking into people's rooms, its fucking private!" I stopped dead. "Uh, and swearing is bad! I can do it because I'm a legal adult, so don't you start!" Uh, did I dodge a bullet? I haven't a clue... "S-so, erm..."

"Oh, I am sorry for trespassing in your room Mother Russia!" Little Ivan bowed his head and quickly scampered from the room so fast that Coco startled and bolted away herself, tearing up threads in my carpet as she did so. Damn it. Well, it wasn't as if there wasn't stains from pops and tomato sauces past on there anyway.

Oh shoot, Ivan just ran off again, didn't he?

"Ivan? HEY IVAN! Get back here!" I demanded, leaving my room and firmly shutting the door behind me. The sooner my lock arrived the better... what was taking it so long?

"D-da?" Ivan reappeared around corner of the doorway to the kitchen. He was trembling again.

"Ah, er, i-it's okay, I'm not really that mad it's just... my room is off limits, got it?" I said sternly. He nodded. "G-good. Now uh, I guess you can have Russia's room since, well you are Russia and I don't want to clean out a new room right now so..." I walked toward Little Russia as I spoke, carefully holding out my hand. He watched me carefully as I approached, finally darting forward and grabbing my hand. He smiled up at me.

"Da, okay!"

Gah... too cute... I felt my face heat up in embarrassment. "Right. So. Room. Let's go there." Walking at half my usual speed so Little Russia's toddler sized legs could keep up, I walked through my kitchen, into the front hall and up the stairs to the second floor. Bypassing the room too full of stuff to think about, I noticed my two dogs cowering at the end of the hallway. Suddenly both of them began barking loudly.

"Hey, shut up! SHUT UP YOU GUYS!" I snapped, but my dogs continued to growl and wouldn't come near me or Little Russia. To my surprise, Little Russia did not seem in the least concerned by this.

"Oh, you have very cute doggies!" he laughed, squeezing my hand lightly. I felt my eyebrow rise.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry, they aren't usually this unfriendly. Guess they just aren't used to kids, Lord knows I'm not." I shook my head and opened the door to Ivan's room. It still seemed kind of barren. There wasn't even a bed, just dozens of sunflowers lying everywhere, matching the bright yellow walls. "Sorry for the lack of furniture in here by the way, I ordered a bed and I suppose I'll have to order a dresser and... damn you're going to need extra clothes too. The view from the window's a bit bleak but in the summer it faces the forest and backyard so... anyway I guess we're going to have to set you up on the couch tonight or something."

I looked down, but Little Ivan did not appear to be listening. His eyes almost shone as they danced from one vase of flowers to the next. Then without warning his hand was yanked from mine and he was suddenly crushing my legs in a hug reminiscent of a vice grip.

"AH!" I shrieked as I fell off balance and crash over on my side. As I lay in a daze, Little Russia moved up my body and curled into my side, throwing his arm around me and giggling like crazy.

"Spаsèbо! Spаsèbо! Thank you! Thank you!" Little Russia squealed happily and dug his fingers tightly into my regrettably generous love handle. I'm only going phonetically here. I assume he was saying thank you in Russian. Lord knows I could be remembering it wrong too, so probably best to ignore it if I'm wrong.

"Hurting, HURTING!" I groaned, pulling back his hand. Luckily he wasn't nearly as strong as his full grown counterpart would be. He had a grip like a bitch though, damn... that might actually bruise later. "Well I'm glad you're happy but... well yeah." I sighed, managing to sit up as Ivan hurried to touch the sunflower petals with his bare hands. No gloves. Huh. Oh right, I remembered that one episode of Hetalia World Series with Little Russia and Little Lithuania meeting for the first time. He hadn't had gloves then either, I remember commenting on the video on Youtube (that happened back in high school didn't it? Huh, old memory...) that I thought his hands looked frost bitten. Well, they seemed alright now, but I would probably have to find him some gloves if he was going to go outside. He was going to need more new clothes actually now that I thought about it- the stuff in the crate was all for a fully grown Russia. I would also probably need to find Prussia a couple of outfits too... damn this Unit deal was getting expensive! Well, Wal-Mart carried cheapish clothes so maybe that was fine... oh crap, did that mean I had to drive back down there today? That was so not fair, I don't even know where to start ranting.

"Mother Russia? You look angry again..." I startled out of my thoughts and looked at Little Russia, who was trembling again.

"Ah, look, I'm not Mother Russia. Really. If there is a Mother Russia at all she's not around here, so... so yeah," I decided that we had best clear this up now, the last thing I wanted was people at Wal-Mart thinking I was his mom while I was screaming at Gilbert to quit groping everything that moved... I didn't think for a minute that he would stop because he had Corey asking him on a date.

"Oh," Little Ivan's head drooped downward, and his next words were spoken to the floor. "I guess I might have known as much but... do you think I could maybe... call you that anyway?"

"What? Uh, no, no I don't think that's a good idea," I said with a frown, worry lines growing on my forehead.

"Oh but, it would make me feel better, less lonely..." he looked up again, his adorable, pleading eyes staring directly into mine. Oh god oh no oh shit...

"I- well I- Y-you see- Well people will assume... that... well..." I trailed off. The pleading expression was growing sadder and more pitiful by the second. Well maybe... maybe it would be okay... as long as he knew I wasn't... and since he was about six people wouldn't think I'd had a baby too young or something so... "Um... well sure I guess that's alright." Why was I instantly regretting this?

"Yay! I love you Mother Russia!" Little Ivan leapt at my chest and hugged me tightly around the neck. After some hesitation I awkwardly wrapped my arms around him as well, my regret fading a bit. Were all children this cute, or was it just because he was a genetically modified clone of an anime character? Yeah, that likely had something to do with it. So cute though... and damn it if I didn't love cute things almost as much as I did sexy and perverted things. Maybe this would be okay. Maybe I could handle this, after China arrived to take care of all the hard stuff like feeding him and making sure he brushed his teeth of course. I tightened my hug on the little nation, noticing for the first time that I was starting to smile. This was nice. This was quite nice indeed.

Then suddenly Bandit came barrelling into the room, snarling like mad and charged at myself and the young boy I was cuddling. Before I could blink he had bitten straight down on Ivan's leg.

"OUCH!" Ivan screamed, kicking out and looking horrified. I shrieked as well, slamming down a hard open handed blow on my dog. He let out a loud bark and whine, cowering backwards as I stood up and grabbed him. He struggled in my arms, snapping again but I managed to lock a fist over his muzzle. I carried him across the hall to the bathroom where I shoved him inside and slammed the door shut.

"AND YOU CAN STAY THERE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY UNTIL YOU CAN BEHAVE YOURSELF!" I yelled through the door, even though I knew he wouldn't understand me. Hopefully after being stuck there a while he would get the message that biting children was unacceptable though (hell, even I knew that much).

Inside his new room, I could hear some quite sniffling and hiccups. I slowly approached the toddler, who was cradling his injured leg. When he saw me though, to my surprise he actually smiled a bit.

"Your dog is very strong! I wish to get to know him better; he could be a good friend when I am powerful!"

"Strong huh?" I laughed a little uncertainly, still confused over his behaviour. Six year olds typically didn't act so calm after a dog digs their teeth into them and certainly didn't want to be friends with the dog afterwards. Then again... was he six? Well, if he were the actual Russia from Hetalia he wouldn't be, he'd probably be at least a few to several hundred years old but being a clone he likely was about the age he looked. The genetic modifications though... arg, what the hell this all amounted to I had no idea. What I did know however was that the kid was bleeding, and needed some disinfectant. Luckily I had that handy.

"Well, come here then," I sighed, digging my hands under Little Ivan's armpits and lifting him up against me. If he got blood on my shirt, that was just too bad I supposed. Any sniffles that remained quieted as I lifted him; he seemed just as surprised by my response as I was at his. I carried him from the room and awkwardly down the stairs (it was hard because I was going sideways to make sure I could see the steps as I wasn't really able to grab the railing, I was actually kind of terrified I would fall.) eventually making it to the downstairs bathroom where I kept my bandages and other first aid articles.

When Prussia arrived I'd had to bandage both Dudley and Gilbird. Now I was bandaging Little Russia. Was this going to become some kind of tradition? Yikes. Anyway, I carefully cleaned Ivan's wound with warm water and soap. He winced a little, but didn't make any sound as I in turn wordlessly began banding up the bite marks on his leg. Now that I was thinking of Gilbird, I recalled that when Prussia had brought him to Wal-Mart the day before he had been missing his bandages. He was healed already then, I wondered if I should remove Dudley's now...

"Thank you Mother Russia," Little Ivan said softly as I began putting away the first aid stuff. I looked at him with a small smirk.

"Well hey; it was my dogs that bit you, so don't worry about it."

"Okay!" he said happily jumping down from the toilet seat where I'd sat him. He grimaced a little as he walked with his injured leg, but seemed more or less alright and we walked out and into the kitchen just in time for the basement door to burst open.

"HEY MOM! COREY WANTS TO GO- oh," he saw me standing in front of him, covering my ears at his unnecessarily loud shouting.

"And what did you need to deafen me for? Corey wants what?" I snapped, glaring at the albino as he shifted giddily from foot to foot.

"Corey wants to go out tonight! I need you to drive me to get something to wear; all I've got is this and a military uniform! He said I could meet him at the liquor store too. Heh heh, I guess my five meters were too awesome for him to resist any longer..."

"Tonight? Awe fuck... well I guess I have to go get some clothes for Ivan too," I sighed and walked to the front hall to peer out the window. The driveway was covered in snow again. Naturally. I groaned and wrenched open the closet to find my boots. Why were the gods so against me relaxing all of a sudden? They were turning into downright jerks, and all after blessing me for so long! It wasn't fair.

At any rate, I got my boots and coat on. I had a lot of shovelling to do and Prussia had better well watch Ivan while I was doing it!

After about half an hour I had managed to shovel and snow blow my way into a clear driveway. At least by this point it was snowing only very lightly, so it might now be completely covered when I got back. I pulled my Ford Taurus out onto the driveway and closed the garage door before heading inside to check on my reluctantly received Units. When I found them, I couldn't help but gape.

"I- what- you- GILBERT! What is Ivan doing in the microwave? Let him out!"

"Help, Mother Russia!" Little Ivan sobbed from his prison. Gilbert seemed to have shut him inside and looked like he was threatening to press the power button.

"I wasn't really going to cook you, idiot!" Prussia grinned, pressing the button to release the door, "You're too un-awesome to eat."

"Gilbert, I swear to god..." I went to the microwave and pulled Ivan out. "Why the hell would you do that? Asshole!" I snapped, checking Ivan over. Except for his leg (obviously) he seemed more or less unharmed. He wrapped his small arms around my neck and I could feel his trembling rather easily.

"Look, the kid had it coming! He told me to make him something to eat- like I was his fucking servant or something! So I went to make him something to eat, play on words right? I can't help it if he's too un-awesome to take a joke made by the Awesome Me!"

Little Ivan was still sobbing into my shoulder and I sent my best death glare at the albino Prussian. "If you ever do that again, I'm going to shove Gilbird in there next. Got it?"

Prussia's eyes brightened and he gave me a deadly look. "Stop. Threatening. Gilbird."

We glared at each other for a while longer, and I noticed Ivan's trembling increased. I held him tighter. Finally Gilbert seemed to give in to annoyance and changed his stance from warpath to irritation.

"So the driveway's clear right? Are we going into town or not?"

"Yeah, we're going. Come on Ivan, I don't have a child's seat so you're going to have to duck if you see any cop cars, alright?" I said as I carried the six year old back to the front hall. Prussia followed, albeit with some reluctance. Clearly he was still angry at my, to quote what was likely going through his head, 'un-awesome' behaviour. I waited as Prussia grabbed his shoes and pulled on the coat I'd assigned him on our last outing. With a brief nod, I sent him out the door with Ivan toddling along on the ground behind them. It only took a minute to set the alarm and lock the door. I walked out to the driveway. Prussia stood by the car, grinning widely.

"... where's Ivan?" I asked flatly, my eyes narrowed.

"Mother Russia!" I heard a muffled cry from the snow bank behind the car. I looked to see a pair of boots kicking in the air, the rest buried in snow.

"GILBERT! What the fuck, I can't even leave you alone for a fucking minute without... FUCK!" I yelled, grabbing at the boots and pulling the sputtering child free. His face was flushed from the blood having rushed to his head and as I flipped him upright and set him back on the ground I noted his shivering had only increased, likely from cold this time.

"Hey, he was the one being all un-awesome and complaining about the cold, I was only showing him the awesomeness of snow!"

I was going to kill that man-unit-thing. Very soon. It would be bloody.

"Just get in the damn car," I muttered, taking Ivan to the back door of the vehicle and setting him inside, buckling him in. I made sure the shoulder strap was behind so he wouldn't choke himself before shutting the door and getting into the driver's seat.

I glanced at Prussia and noticed something. "Not bringing Gilbird this time?"

"Nah, it's kind of awkward having sex with him around," Prussia shrugged.

"... right," I said, starting up the car.

"What the fuck is sex?" Little Ivan asked hesitantly from the back seat.

"AH! Ivan, fuck is a swear word, don't say that!" I said quickly.

"Oh, sorry Mother Russia."

"... right," I sighed, pulling out of the driveway and heading down the road, passing the trees on either side.

"Oh, so you are Mother Russia now?" Prussia asked with a smirk.

"Shut the fuck up," I muttered.

"... so what is sex?" Ivan asked again.

Somehow, I could tell that this was going to be a long and awkward twenty minutes.

"Um, sex is... erm... well when a man and a woman love each other... or two men sometimes, or two girls I guess, or um... two people. Yeah, so when two people love each other and... they have to be adults!" Why was I having this conversation with a six year old? "Sex is for adults! You can't know about it until then, sorry!"

"Oh, but, I won't tell that you told me, I promise!" Ivan pleaded. I kept my eyes firmly away from the rear view mirror so I couldn't see his expression. If I couldn't see it, perhaps I would be immune to his hypnotising cuteness.

"Sex is when you shove your penis into an ass or vagina," Prussia said with another smirk in my direction. I gave him a horrified look back.

"GILBERT! What the hell, children are supposed to be innocent of that or something!"

"Oh, that doesn't sound so bad. Perhaps I will try it sometime!" Ivan piped in happily.

"NO! N-not until you're an adult!" I stammered quickly, passing the farmer's field on the right. Why oh why was this conversation happening? The gods hated me, it was the only explanation. Why I didn't know, but thus far I had pretty much assured Little Ivan the most messed up childhood ever, and all within a couple of hours! He's seen gay porn, been shoved in both the snow and a microwave, had a dog bite his leg, not to mention learned what sex is and said his first swear word. They had better send China soon, because if they didn't I was starting to think it was entirely possible the kid could be dead before the end of next week.

After that, I tried my best to divert the topic to something, anything else. I finally settled on asking if they wanted to get some McDonalds while we were at Wal-Mart, since we hadn't eaten today. Well, Prussia might've, I didn't know, but I sure as hell hadn't.

"What is McDonalds?" Little Ivan asked.

"Disgusting, greasy, and un-awesome," Prussia snorted, "They don't even have bier to wash is down."

"Alright Gilbert, where do you suggest we get food then?" I asked in irritation as we began to pass a few houses. There were many more cars on the road today than there were yesterday. Well, it was kind of later in the day on a Friday, so maybe that made sense. It was actually pretty busy. That meant the lines in Wal-Mart would be longer, the parking lot more crowded and Prussia would likely be groping far more people than is considered excusable by society, even for the mentally unstable. Again, the gods hate me, no idea why this is coming on all of a sudden.

I found a parking spot with difficulty, as I suspected. We were far from the front doors when I pulled in and got out of the car. I went to the back and got Ivan out of his seat (he seemed to have some trouble with the buckle). Holding his hand tightly, I walked around toward Prussia and grabbed his upper arm tightly as well.

"OW! What the hell?" Prussia growled, trying to pry off my fingers with his other hand.

"No groping when we go in there. At all."

"No... what? Awe, but that's so unfair! You're no fun at all!" Prussia pouted, yanking his arm out of my hand at last and crossing his arms defiantly.

"I'm serious. If you do I'm going to tell Corey and good luck getting him to sleep with you then."

"Why would he want to sleep with Prussia?" Little Ivan asked wide eyed.

"Uh..." I tightened my grip on Ivan's hand and flashed the six year old a slightly-too-wide smile, "Let's go into Wal-Mart and find you guys some clothes eh?" I giggled, noticing that my tiny Canadian accent had snuck into my speech right there. I always laughed when I noticed that, and I had no idea why.

We walked through the front doors and saw the greeter from the day before. She appeared to remember us as her smile momentarily dropped when she saw Gilbert and her hands immediately darted up to guard her breasts.

'Good idea,' I thought with a small, exasperated smile as I tugged my white haired Units into the store and toward the clothing section. Over the next half hour, I was forced to listen to Prussia complain over the poor quality of the clothes and moan and grumble when I told him it was here or nowhere since there wasn't much in the way of clothing stores in this town. Finally he consented to legitimately look for a few new outfits while I looked into the children's clothing section for stuff for Ivan. He was happy to receive a set of soft yellow footie pyjamas (they looked pretty warm), a pair of white gloves that matched his scarf, and though he wasn't exactly happy he didn't object to me choosing a few pairs of dark pants and a few shirts in varying colours for him. I also grabbed a dark red sweater with a white diamond pattern on it that looked especially cute on him.

I had been separated from Prussia while I looked for clothes for Ivan. I probably shouldn't be surprised that I heard a hysterical scream coming from the men's clothing department...

"Great, just great, what's he gone and done now?" I muttered darkly, taking Ivan's hand in my own, holding the hangers with various articles of children's clothing in my other hand.

I marched to the men's clothing, but Prussia was nowhere in sight. Odd. I saw a pair of legs sticking out from beneath a clothing rack and pushed aside the trousers to find a man lying on the ground in a daze.

"Erm... are you okay?" I asked, debating if I ought to get help for him or just cover him back up again. If I got help I'd likely have to stick around longer and answer questions and I was about done with the crowd in here. There were people wherever you looked and it was so noisy...

Luckily my internal debate seemed unnecessary as the guy (presumably an employee judging by the blue vest) managed to sit up and manage to shake his glazed expression. "S-some albino guy came up, grabbed my crotch, clubbed me over the head and stole the bear costume I was taking out of the Halloween department... what the fuck..."

"Damn it Gilbert..." I grumbled.

"Um, maybe we should leave without him?" Little Ivan suggested. I looked down at him.

"Uh, yeah let's check out. We can wait at McDonalds for the police to escort him out I suppose." How I was going to explain why they should release him into my custody was anybody's guess.

We managed to work our way out of the clothing department and hurried into the lineup that looked the shortest. It was while we were waiting there, distracted by Ivan looking at the many chocolate bars gracing the shelves, that Prussia snuck up behind us in a full realistic looking bear costume and grabbed Ivan's shoulders, letting out the loudest roar he could possibly make.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Little Ivan's scream seemed to carry on and on and he grabbed my leg, digging his fingers in with the same bruising vice grip as before. I winced hard, feeling tears spring to my eyes, but I didn't let them fall. Goddamn Prussia. Goddamn Ivan. Goddamn company sending me the wrong units. Goddamn gods for hating me.

Oh yeah, that's my situation right now and let me tell you, I am not happy. Not happy at all.

"GILBERT, TAKE OFF THAT COSTUME NOW!" I roar, raising a fist and preparing to hit him with all the force I can muster.

"Gott, I was just having fun... you're so un-awesome Mom..." Prussia mutters, pulling off the bear mask at any rate.

"I'm not your mom, and thank god for that," I say, eyes narrowed, "Now where're the clothes you picked out?"

"Here," Prussia unzips the costume to show some rumpled clothes pressed next to his body. I pull them out and try my very best to ignore all the stares we're attracting. Damn it's hard.

"Now go return that costume to that guy you jacked it from and meet us at McDonalds. If you grope him again I'll know. Then you can change into whatever you picked for your date and I'll drop you off at the liquor store. Is that awesome enough for you?"

Prussia only snorts before he turns on his heel and heads back to men's clothing. I will assume he will do as I instructed only because I do not have enough patience left to consider anything else right now.

I turn and notice that the line had moved while I was talking with Prussia. I sigh and place the clothes on the conveyer belt thing, grimacing as the purchases are rung up. Ouch, even at Wal-Mart that was a bite out of the old manga budget. It would be much worse when I ordered Russia again; I should hurry and finish Heart of Darkness so I could get some more royalties coming in. And maybe force Prussia to get a job too, that ought to help.

"Hey, um," I look up and notice that the cashier, a timid looking girl in her late teens with long strawberry blond hair and bright green eyes, was addressing me.

"Yeah?" I ask, a little confused. Normally the only conversation that came from cashiers I spoke to was limited to 'Hello', 'How are you?', 'Would you like a bag?', and 'Have a nice day/night'.

"Um, that guy who was just here, was that, you know, Prussia?" her voice had suddenly dropped and I wondered why.

"Oh, um, yeah, he's one of those Unit things. I actually ordered a Russia Unit but they sent the wrong one, so I got to keep him as a freebie. Still trying to get Russia though..." I grumble.

"Wow! Uh, this is actually the first time I've met anyone else with one of those things, I thought I was the only one! I mean, I thought maybe they were some other world thing that... well cause I never... so people can actually order those things for real?" the cashier is blinking slowly. It's actually quite creepy.

"Uh, yeah. It's expensive but... I'm sorry, why are we having this conversation again?" I ask in irritation. Honestly, I just wanted to get some greasy food and go home, I didn't want to have to talk to this blond bimbo stammering around like she was.

"Oh! Well, it's just that I clicked a pop up ad online and got sent a Switzerland Unit about six months ago. I thought maybe I got some sort of magical miracle but I guess it was just a normal ad... still though," she shakes her head and I sigh heavily.

"So are we done? Can I pay now?" I ask.

"Oh! Oh yeah sure!" she nods hurriedly and I pull out my VISA. Within moments I'm done and pulling a quiet Ivan over to the McDonalds. I order him up a Happy Meal while I get myself a Big Mac, a large fries and a medium Diet Coke (because you know, I've decided I should really be cutting down on the junk intake, am I right?).

"Um, Mother Russia, are you sure that this is edible?" Little Ivan asks, poking at his small hamburger experimentally. He looks at me with wide eyes. So cute.

Okay, so maybe the gods are against me, but at least they were trying to kill me with cuteness. Not the worst way to go.

"Well... if you don't like it we'll go see if we can find some carrot sticks or whatever it is you want to eat, does that sound good?"

"Okay!" Ivan giggles, and I can't help but giggle as well. Damn he is cute. I look up to see Prussia heading toward us, a grin on his face that I don't like in the least but for now I don't care. At the moment I'm feeling pretty good, what with the McDonalds sugar rush kicking in and all.

I know the good feeling isn't going to last, but what the hell. I take a long leisurely slurp of my Diet Coke and happily prepare myself for whatever idiocy Prussia would be spraying at me this time.

"So Mom, can you get me some condoms for Christmas?"

Okay, and now the Coke is coming straight out my nose and I'm choking. Thanks gods, thanks a lot. (Sarcasm hand raised).

((Joyful Note: Okay, closer to length of the first part now, a bit longer... I don't even know guys. Consider this like... the second part of the last part. I don't know. I just don't. I'm tired and it's 1:30 in the morning and WHY AM I TYPING SO EARLY I DONT EVEN. So yeah. Arg... so China appears next chapter, and Prussia goes on his date. Look forward to it. I'm going to bed. Yaaaaaay.))