I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.
Chapter 4: Fine I'll Re-Order, But You'd Better Get It Right This Time or So Help Me God...!
My life is spiralling into chaos. I mean it was never absolutely perfect, and I suppose it was never normal per say, but it was at least a peaceful, predictable existence and now that was all going to pot. I am not happy about this. I've got a crazy Chinese guy with a pony tail having a duel to the death with an equally crazy albino Prussian in my living room while a miniature Russian is dropping strawberry Pop Tart crumbs on my rug. My dogs are barking up a storm, my tabby cat is nowhere to be seen while my fat calico cat is meowing loudly at her food dish (nothing fazes her when she's hungry, honestly), and I am trying to hold my sanity together as I try to explain to my mother on the phone why I can't join my family for the holidays again this year. For once I have a good reason and yet I don't think I can explain this properly...
Of course, naturally, you are all eager to find out how my life got to this point from the last time you checked in. As per usual I shall explain; if only to regain a bit of routine back into my life. Because seriously, this is just fucking out of control and I need a break. God I'm so tired I could start hallucinating at this point. Not that I would likely notice I was hallucinating since things are already so unbelievably bizarre in my house now anyway... bah.
So back in the McDonalds eating area at Wal-Mart, after Prussia's request for a... a 'special' Christmas present and I finished gasping for breath around the Coke that was running through my windpipe, I managed to inform him that if he wanted condoms, he was buying them himself.
"But I don't have any money!"
"Then get a job!"
"I'm too awesome for a job!"
"But you're not too awesome for a kick to the crotch are you?"
"... yes I am."
"Um, Mother Russia? I don't think I can eat these potato wedges, they are really too salty..."
I turned to look at the small boy beside me, who had set his burger aside and was licking the top of a fry with his tongue. His eyes turned to meet mine. I shrugged and pushed the little cup of ketchup towards him.
"Try dipping it in there, it usually helps. And anyway," I turned back to Prussia, "I wasn't really planning on buying Christmas gifts anyway. I think I just bought you new clothes; yesterday I got you alcohol. That should be good enough I think. If you want more you'll have to get funds yourself."
Prussia rolled his eyes. "Phht whatever. So can we go now? I do have an awesome date to go on," he flashed a grin. I sighed and gave him an exasperated look.
"You know the liquor store's right across the street. You could walk there."
"I have to change first!" Prussia huffed, crossing his arms firmly. I made a 'tsk' sound and wordlessly held up the bags of clothes.
"Bring back the rest when you're done, just shove what you're wearing now into one of the bags."
"Duh, I know that," Prussia scoffed, snatching the bags from my hand and heading directly for the men's washroom. Okay, so that should be taken care of at least. I glanced back at Little Ivan who seemed to be eating his fries alright now that he had discovered the wonders of ketchup. Well, he was a small child. If he was full grown Ivan he probably wouldn't have been won over so easily by the tomato-y goodness of ketchup.
"How much longer do you think that's going to take you?" I asked him, gesturing to his meal after I'd finished off the last of mine. I was always something of a quick eater.
Little Ivan shrugged and continued to shovel ketchup coated fries into his mouth; when Prussia came back and handed me the clothing bags with his usual outfit jammed in on top of the rest of the clothes Ivan was still finishing off the last few of them. Prussia was wearing a surprisingly good looking tight black t-shirt and skinny jeans... skinny jeans? Huh.
"Skinny jeans, really?" I said with a cocked eyebrow, looking the Prussian up and down.
"What's wrong with that? Skinny jeans are awesome!" Prussia sounded defensive. Interesting.
"They're... very gay looking. Not that I find anything wrong with that. In fact, they look quite sexy I just... I didn't expect it," I shrugged dismissively.
"Ja, well, i-it looks good right?" His expression was suddenly uncertain and he was tugging at the shirt hem.
"Is the Great Prussia really going to work himself up over his appearance? You're a fucking- er," I glanced at Ivan but decided he'd heard it enough times already today that it probably didn't matter at this point, "You're a fucking anime character come to life! You're too pretty to exist and would easily overwhelm Corey with sexiness if you wore a paper bag!"
Prussia snorted. "Obviously, I'm too awesome to worry about my appearance! I just... is it too much bitch, not enough butch? Cause I am not letting Corey top me and I don't want him thinking he can..."
I frowned at that. "Erm... well the pants do seem rather uke-oriented. But with that shirt and... well you're both taller and more masculine looking than Corey anyway. As long as you act as the seme and be assertive as per usual you should be fine. I think. I mean, I've read plenty of yaoi manga, watched romance anime and I would say that would seem the case but... well I'm not..." I trailed off there, looking uncertain.
"You're not what?" Prussia looked annoyed. Good for him.
"I just realised I have absolutely no idea if anything I learned in fan fiction, anime or anything else fiction related has anything to do with real life at all," I said dully, staring at nothing in particular. It was a strange thing to realise. Or rather, to have hit me. I guess it was always a question under the surface, but faced with an actual person-unit-thing asking me a question regarding a relationship with another human being it occurs to me that I had no clue if the real world operated in any way similar to the fictional realm I tended to exist within.
"... so... I can wear the pants then?" Prussia asked after a moment's awkward silence.
"Huh? Oh yeah, sure, whatever," I mumbled, still staring at nothing. I felt a tug on my shirt and looked down to see Little Ivan, his lips and fingers coated with ketchup. He might've just killed some small animal and eaten it alive from the look of him- his proud grin wasn't doing much to lessen the effect. Maybe that's why he took to ketchup so well...
"I'm finished! We can go now, da Mother Russia?" he asked, eyes shining. I glanced down at my shirt wear he had been grabbing. A ketchup stain was just visible on the black fabric of my old 'No Kangaroos in Austria' t-shirt that I had gotten on my single trip to Europe back in the summer between grades eleven and twelve and it still fit to this day! Though granted it used to be roomier... heh heh McDonalds. Well, at least the fabric was black so the stain wouldn't show too much. I grabbed a napkin and dabbed it off myself before turning to Little Ivan.
"Just hang on a second, clean yourself off first," I snickered at his confused expression and handed him a clean napkin. "You look like you just killed something."
Little Ivan stared at me for a moment before taking the napkin and smiling. "You are so funny Mother Russia!" He proceeded to rub his face into the napkin, which didn't seem to do more than spread the ketchup around more.
"Hey, you're doing it wrong! Don't you know how to clean yourself off yet?" I groaned, taking the napkin out of his hands. He looked apologetic at any rate.
"I'm sorry Mother Russia..."
"Yeah, yeah it's fine, um..." I looked from him to the napkins and back again, trying to figure out how to explain the finer points of cleaning ketchup from your skin.
"Hey Mom..."
"Not your mom... what?" I asked Prussia, who had taken a seat across from myself and Ivan and was currently balancing his chin in his hands.
"Why don't you just clean him off yourself?"
I stared at Prussia now, down to the napkin, then back to Ivan, then to Prussia again.
"Uh..." I giggled a tiny bit, "Right, could do that. Heh heh heh..." God I was being a dumbass. I blame exhaustion! I grabbed a clean napkin and wiped it across Ivan's mouth, catching the biggest globs of the red stuff. Brownish smears still graced his features when I pulled away however and got another napkin. I tried again to wipe it off but it wasn't coming, it had dried.
"You have to spit on it too, stupid," Prussia scoffed. I sent him a glare.
"I knew that!" I snarled before horking up a wad of spit and wetting the napkin with it, attacking Ivan's face again. The small boy giggled as I finished clearing off his face and moved to his fingers. Once he had stopped looking like a beast after a hunt, I put all the trash on the McDonalds tray and dumped it in the garbage before returning to the table.
"So you can drop me off at the liquor store now, ja?" Prussia asked, looking amused for some reason, his cheek leaning on his palm now, propped up on the table.
"Yeah, yeah," I waved my hand dismissively, though in all seriousness he could just walk... "Come on Ivy, let's go." I took the kid's hand. He looked at me strangely.
"Ivy?" he asked.
"Yeah- oh right, that's not your official pet name is it? Sorry, let's go Vanya," my lips quirked up into a smile as I called him this, and my smile was mirrored by Little Ivan. What can I say, it was a cute little name and the fact that I got to use it was so bizarre and awesome, how could I not smile? Because, well, it had occurred to me in that instant that holy shit I am at Wal-Mart with anime characters. I mean, fuck all if it was Prussia and miniature Ivan Braginski as opposed to the full grown sex god, this was the most awesome thing to ever happen to anyone! Plus the post-McDonalds food buzz was a help in keeping my mood up for the next while as well, which was nice.
We strolled out of McDonalds. After I had run back to grab the clothing bags I'd forgotten (to Prussia's smug laughter... dick, he forgot about them too!), we left Wal-Mart as well and made our way to the car. I looked at the liquor store standing perhaps sixty metres away and in full view across the small street. Oh well, I had to drive past it anyway.
"Oh wait... I was going to get a kid's seat when I was in Wal-Mart..." I muttered to myself, unheard by the white haired units. Now at this point I could've rushed back inside and found a child's car seat, but that was all the way back in the sweaty crowded store and... oh to hell with it, if I met a cop I can pay the fine and buy a seat later! Brushing the thought aside, I helped Little Ivan buckle into the back seat again and climbed in the front, Prussia already eagerly in shotgun. He actually looked a bit nervous. It was strange... but kind of endearing. Huh.
As I started the car and began driving across the parking lot (stopping frequently as pedestrians and other cars kept jumping out in front of me. Do people never look?) I decided to interrogate Prussia a little about this alleged 'date'.
"So it's what, about three in the afternoon? How late are you going to be?" I asked casually before hissing a curse at a red punch buggy that saw fit to back out of their parking space just as I made to pass them, making me slam on the break. Seriously. Rear view mirrors people. USE THEM.
"I dunno, why? Do I have a curfew now?" Prussia asked with a snort and a dancing expression in his eyes that told me if I tried to give him one he was disobey it just to spite me. Not that I had any intention of that anyway.
"No, but I will lock my door and turn on the alarm and electric fence at midnight. Usually I'd do it at 10pm, but just for you I'll leave it for midnight because I'm just that thoughtful. If you're back past that you'll be waiting outside until morning when I put the dogs out. Of course you could always stay the night with Corey and come back tomorrow I guess, whatever works for you. Oh and how are you getting back to my house anyway? Is Corey going to drive you?" I swore again as a harried looking mother darted between a set of cars, each hand clutching that of a young girl- presumably her daughters, whom I could've killed if my foot hadn't been on the brake pedal already. Great job honey-bunch, you won't be receiving mother of the year.
Prussia seemed to think about that for a moment before answering. "I don't know... I guess so. We didn't actually talk about how I'm getting back after; I don't even know if he has a car. I guess I could get a taxi."
I scoffed. "With what money? I'm not paying for a taxi service!"
"Well then why don't you come back and pick me up?"
"Because I'm not a taxi service either!" I sent him a glare as I managed to work my way onto the street at last and swung over to park beside the liquor store. I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel for a second before unlocking the door so Prussia could get out.
"What?" he asked, noticing my debating expression.
I let out a heavy sigh. "I suppose I should go in with you and find out how you're getting back. Since I think I technically own you after all, it's probably the responsible thing to do."
"Hey! No one owns the Awesome Prussia! And since when are you responsible?"
My eyes narrowed. "I am plenty responsible! I just went out and bought you guys clothes cause I know you need them, I'm setting up a bedroom for Ivan... okay sure I'm not exactly good with kids but I'm not incompetent in general. I take my pets to the vet, and pay my bills and get my work in by the deadline! Well… I usually get in by the deadline! I mean sometimes I have to push the deadline back a bit but… Anyway, I'm coming in, I should really talk to Corey too." I turned back in the seat to look at Little Ivan, who had been sitting quietly and listening to this exchange. He smiled at me. "Think you can be good and not touch anything until I get back?"
"Um... will you be long?" he cocked his head to one side, his smile faltering momentarily. I shook my head and told him I didn't think so. "Then, da!" So cute so cute so cute...
"Right then!" I nodded firmly, unbuckling my seatbelt and getting out of the car with Prussia. He didn't seem overtly thrilled I was walking him in to meet his date but he would have to suck it up because I wasn't getting a drunken plea of a phone call at three am from Prussia begging for me to shell out money for a taxi ride home.
Just before we opened the door I quickly turned to Prussia, grabbing his wrist to stop him opening the door just yet.
"If you come back in 'domestic' mode again, I might have to slap you. That pink apron was creepy as hell," I said with all the seriousness I could muster.
"You're just jealous of my awesomeness, I understand," Prussia smirked and I rolled my eyes as he pushed the door open decisively. Behind the counter was Corey speaking with an older man (presumably whoever was taking over when his shift ended) who wore glasses and had a small black goatee. Not the worst looking guy in the world, but the crow's feet around the corners of his eyes told me he was in his late thirties at least, more likely mid-forties. As the bell rang to indicate our entrance, Corey's eyes went straight to Gilbert's and he smiled brightly.
"Oh, see Derek, there he is now!" he waved and then suddenly blushed brightly and pulled his hand down. "Uh, yeah. So, um, ready for our- ah!" Corey had barely acknowledged Gilbert's presence and already the albino had leapt over the counter and was molesting his crotch and shoving his tongue down the smaller man's throat.
"Gilbert! Seriously, what the h-hell," I sputtered, noticing my face heating up and my hands trying to work their way up to grasp at my chesticles. Well... it looked hot okay! I was bound to have a reaction to unbridled yaoi sexiness presenting itself in front of me!
Finally Gilbert released Corey who slumped against the counter; face bright read and mumbling gibberish. The other guy, Derek, let out a chuckle and leaned against the wall shaking his head.
"So you're Gilbert huh?" he asked, putting out a hand for Gilbert to shake. The albino did so with a smirk.
"Yeah, but you can call me 'Your Awesomeness'."
"Or you could call him dickhead. Or idiot. Or moron. Or Kaliningrad."
Prussia's eyes flashed into anger and his head whipped around to look at me. "Don't call me that. Ever."
"Kaliningrad?" Derek looked confused.
"Inside joke, don't worry about it," I waved the question away. "So you're Corey's co-worker I assume?"
"His boss actually," Derek grinned. "I don't usually work on the weekend, but Corey begged for an early end to his shift so he could go on a date. I figured I wasn't doing anything anyway and this way I don't have to pay him as much, so why not?"
"Why not indeed," I nodded sagely.
"So who are you?" Derek asked, raising an eyebrow and looking down at my ketchup stained t-shirt poking out from beneath my short purple winter jacket. Yep, just spreading the geek all over the place.
"I'm Gilbert's roommate, er, landlord actually. More like that. Except he needs to start paying rent soon. Oh right, do you think he could maybe get a job here? And if not, do you know anywhere else with a job opening?" I decided that since this Derek guy was in charge he would likely know about hiring positions.
"Hey! Quit trying to make me work, if I want a job I'll get one!" Gilbert snapped, crossing his arms and looking like a petulant child. Corey seemed to be recomposing himself, but wasn't talking just yet.
Derek glanced at Gilbert and seemed to think about it. "Well... I guess I don't really like working the late shifts. Can he work week nights?"
"Er, I guess so. How late are we talking?" I nibbled my bottom lip, coming to terms with the fact that if Gilbert got a job in town I'd likely have to start driving him back and forth from work and at minimum wage, was it all really worth it?
"HEY! I said I'm too awesome to get a job, so can you get out of here so we can go on our date? I don't need a chaperone!"
"I'm not chaperoning! Jesus... hey Corey!" I snapped my fingers to get the feminine-looking man's attention. He still looked a tiny bit dazed but nodded at me. "Can you drive Gilbert home whenever you're done? Cause I don't really want to drive all the way back here."
Corey took a short breath before giving a smile and answering. "Y-yeah, no problem! I've got a car, where do you live?"
I quickly gave him my address, deciding that one person possibly coming to call now and again wasn't too bad as long as it was to remove Prussia from my sight once in a while. I had a feeling I would be getting sick of him fairly soon...
Bidding a quick farewell after informing Corey of the midnight cut off time for getting back into my house, I headed out to the curb where my car was parked. However, Little Russia was not smiling and waving where I had left him. I opened the car door and looked in the back seat. No Russia. I checked the front seat, just in case I'd over looked him, but not there either.
Little Russia was gone. Again. Oh shit.
"IVAN!" I shouted, pulling my head out of the car. "VANYA?" I tried that as well as I'd had no immediate response to the first call.
I scurried around the car. Nothing on any side of that. I looked under the car. Again, nadda. "VANYA IF YOU HEAR ME YOU HAD BETTER FUCKING ANSWER ME!" I screamed, starting to feel cold threads of panic coursing through me. I had had the kid for less than a day and I already lost him? Behind me I could hear the liquor store door open and Prussia's voice sounded behind me.
"Hey, what are you still doing here? I told you, I'm too awesome for a chaperone!"
I whipped around and stared at him with wild eyes. "Ivan's gone! He was in the car when we went into the store and I come out and he's not here!"
"Ivan?" Corey questioned, glancing from me to his date and back again.
"Gilbert's little brother," I said without missing a beat. Prussia immediately glared at me. Well if he wanted to call me mom and induced Little Russia to call me the same then what did he expect to be the first relationship to come to mind? "He's only six... SHIT." I stormed off to check the alleyway next to the liquor store on impulse. No luck. I stomped back to the car and checked under it again, not sure why.
"Oh, we'll help look for him!" Corey offered immediately. Gilbert rolled his eyes.
"I'm sure he'll be fine. He's too creepy to be kidnapped."
"He's not creepy, he's fucking adorable and you are going to help me find him before he gets into trouble!" I snapped, twirling on the spot to survey my surroundings. Across the street was obviously the Wal-Mart parking lot. There was the liquor store, and beside that a... a...
"Since when has there been an ice cream parlour there?" I said in surprise.
"Oh, that just opened today. I didn't even know what it was until they put the sign up," Corey explained. "I went there on my break, it's pretty nice. They're offering one free scoop per person on opening day!"
I quickly ran to the store and peeked in the window. Sure enough, Little Russia was sitting at a table holding an apparently animated conversation with the owner of the parlour as he licked a vanilla ice cream cone.
"Thank God," I muttered, pulling open the door.
"Okay, well we're going on our awesome date, don't wait up!" Prussia laughed and draped an arm around Corey's shoulders, steering him down the street. I myself hurried over to Little Russia who grinned at my approach.
"Oh, hello Mother Rus-"
"Ivan, what the hell do you think you're doing in here? You almost gave me a heart attack, I told you to stay in the car!"
Little Russia tilted his head to one side and looked confused. "Oh? No you did not! You told me to be good and not to touch anything! So I got out of the car as soon as you left so as not to touch anything! But I decided to wait inside the ice cream parlour because it was cold outside and the nice man gave me an ice cream cone for free!"
I sighed and turned to the man behind the counter who I hadn't looked at until now. I froze. This was definitely weird. If I hadn't already known about units and had two of my own, I would likely have started questioning if God had sent me a miracle. As it was, I wondered if maybe I was seeing someone else's 'miracle' as I stared into the face of Hetalia's Switzerland wearing a white uniform and apron with a small paper hat balanced on his blond hair. He was also looking slightly irritated I might add, but didn't he always?
"Holy shit, you're a Unit," I said in deadpan, eyes wide, unable to fully grasp the situation.
Switzerland's irritated expression didn't change. "Yeah, so?"
"So... nothing I guess." I shrugged. "Oh, hey do you live with that blond chick from Wal-Mart?" I said suddenly, remembering the cashier who had gaped at Prussia. Switzerland frowned, but nodded stiffly. I blinked. Well... suspicion confirmed then. "Huh. Well, if you'll just give me a scoop of chocolate ice cream I believe I'm entitled to, I will be on my way."
Ice cream in hand, I drove back to my house. Little Ivan still sat in the back seat because even though I didn't have a car seat for him I knew enough not to have him up front where air bags could crush his ribs or something if I crashed. And with icy roads, lots of cars and driving one handed between licking drips of ice cream from the cone and my wrist, crashing was actually a possibility. Luckily I managed to avoid that fate this time around however, I got back to my house without incident. As I had hoped, the driveway was still relatively clear and I pulled into the garage with ease. Just as I was releasing Ivan from his seatbelt however, a delivery van pulled into the driveway behind us. At first I thought 'Oh god oh god Russia!' then I mentally slapped myself, remembering that I hadn't even re-ordered my dream unit yet. My next thought was 'China? Already?' Because I had only ordered that unit today so it would be odd if it was here already.
However when the delivery woman (yes, a woman this time! She was stout with orangey red hair) came up to get me to sign her clipboard, I discovered that I had been in fact delivered Little Ivan's bed. How convenient! I supposed he wouldn't have to sleep on the floor after all.
It took a couple of trips from the front hall to upstairs, but I managed to get all the parts of the bed into Ivan's room eventually. After the first trip up the stairs, Little Ivan had stopped and waited in the room as one piece of bed after another was brought in. As I passed the bathroom door I noticed Dudley lying outside it (he'd growled at Ivan as he passed too) and I remembered Bandit was still locked inside there. Well, I would let him out when the bed was set up. That way he wouldn't be underfoot. On my third trip (deciding to bring up the pillow, sheets and blanket in one go this time) I noticed that Coco had joined Ivan and was rubbing herself against him. Well, if my dogs didn't like the kid for some reason, at least one of my cats was willing to be friendly. Little Ivan seemed to like her too, so that was good.
Finally all the bedding and bed parts were upstairs. The mattress and box spring were the hardest to get up, but since it was a twin size bed it wasn't too heavy and only somewhat awkward. I started fumbling around to put them together. One again, Little Ivan merely watched with a big smile plastered on his face. If I hadn't already dignified him as utterly adorable, I suppose I might've sympathised with Prussia that he was a little creepy just then. As it was, I just tried to forget the never ending stare and concentrated on the task at hand. As I worked my mind drifted off on a tangent and I began fantasizing over what Prussia and Corey were likely doing at that moment. Perhaps Prussia had found some secluded corner of a restaurant bathroom and had shoved Corey into a stall and was currently-
"FUCK!" I swore loudly as the wooden side of the bed I was trying to manoeuvre into place slipped from my grasp and landed on my foot. I didn't think it broke anything but damn it hurt like a bitch! And Little Russia seemed to be giggling. I shot him a glare. "So that's funny, huh?"
"Oh, um, no, s-sorry Mother Russia," Little Russia looked away and trembled to show he still feared my anger... but something in that didn't seem quite genuine. Was he trying to manipulate me now? He turned his puppy dog eyes at me. Crap. Well if he was manipulating me it was working.
"Uh, no, it's alright don't worry about it..." I mumbled and continued messing with the bed frame. Since I had managed to set up my own bed in the study I had a point of reference and it only took me about twenty minutes to fully put the bed together, sheets and all. When Little Russia saw the sunflower print, he immediately glomped my legs in vice grip again, though this time I was able to grab the bed frame and prevent myself from falling over. Coco jumped up onto the bed and curled up in a sunbeam, falling asleep instantly.
Sunbeam.
"Oh shit, I need curtains too," I mumbled, trying to sort out everything I had to order online now. I needed a dresser, bedside table, curtains... damn. Pricy. Maybe I should auction off some of my anime stuff on eBay or... no. No how could I do that? My things were too precious for that! I shook my head and glanced at Little Ivan.
"Yes Mother Russia?" he asked with wide eyes.
"I'm going to let Bandit out of the bathroom now. Um, are you okay with that?"
"Why wouldn't I be, Mother Russia?"
"Uh, because he bit you..." I gestured to Ivan's leg. Under his pants still lay the bandages from that encounter from the morning.
"Bit? Oh, that was nothing! It is probably healed already," Little Ivan pulled up his pant leg and started to pull off the bandages.
"What? No!" I grabbed his hand to stop him, it can't have already healed, it had been a deep bite! Even if he hadn't limped or winced since a short while after it happened, it couldn't be better already.
"No, it is fine, do not worry, Russians heal fast!" he jerked free of me and I sat in puzzlement as he ripped away the bandages. I stared.
There was no mark whatsoever.
"See?" Little Russia giggled.
"But- how- it- what the fuck..." I sputtered and breathed heavily. What the hell was this? Even if the bleeding had stopped there should be a scab, a scar, there was quite literally nothing. I brushed my fingers over the place I thought the mark ought to be, but the skin was smooth. My eyes widened and I gazed into Little Russia's little violet orbs.
He placed a hand softly on my cheek and rubbed it in what could be considered a soothing gesture... or maybe a bit of a creepy one. Yes he was cute, he was, I just... he was starting to freak me out at this point.
"Do not worry Mother Russia," he gave me a concerned look, which was sort of nice I supposed, "This is normal, I am a Unit, not a regular human remember? We heal quickly."
I pulled back from his touch and blinked, my breathing slowing to normal. Right, Units, forgot. "Oh! Well yeah, I guess I understand that then, so it's fine. Um, are you hungry? I mean I know we ate maybe an hour ago but you only had fries and that isn't that much."
"No, I am fine. Perhaps I could meet your dogs again, da?" Little Russia asked. I frowned. Well... if he was going to live in the same house as them they would probably have to make some sort of peace I supposed...
"Um, sure I guess. Just... you wait here and I'll bring them to you alright? Alright," I answered myself before leaving the room. I spied Dudley still sitting in front of the bathroom door where Bandit was trapped inside. I decided that since Dudley was smaller, I should have him meet Little Russia first and if that worked out I could give Bandit a second try. As it was, I lifted the small dog from the ground. As I moved him towards Little Russia's room he immediately began barking his little doggie lungs out and struggling in my grasp but I still pressed on and Little Russia's face lit up with delight as he saw the desperate animal in my arms.
"Oh, he is so cute!" Little Russia exclaimed, jumping onto his bed and holding out his arms to receive the puppy. I couldn't help but feel this was a very bad idea all around, but if Ivan felt like bleeding some more today he could feel free to. I handed the dog over and Ivan's arms tightened around it instantly. Dudley yelped as Little Russia twisted him into a position where he could barely turn his head, let alone bite the child. I watched in horrified wonder as Little Russia leaned forward and spoke into my dog's ear, it sounded a little like Russian, but with a growling edge over every word. My dog fell still and began to whimper. The Russian child relaxed his hold and Dudley lay quietly in his lap, unmoving and looking at me with terrified eyes. With a soft, secretive smile Little Russia began stroking his head, causing the small dog to tremble.
Coco took one lazy look at the scene from her sunbeam before going back to sleep. I, on the other hand, was gaping like a fish. Because, well, you saw that right? That was just... that shouldn't... what. What the fuck.
"May I see your other dog now? This one will not trouble us any longer!" Little Russia giggled again. Okay. I was definitely starting to see the creepy parts now. I mean on full grown Russia the creepiness was sexy, but as my old childhood friend Valerie would say 'There is nothing creepier then a creepy child'. And well... yeah. I could feel my skin crawling as I numbly walked to the bathroom and opened the door. I was immediately faced with Bandit barrelling out from between my legs and racing for Little Russia's room, barking growling and slobbering up a storm as he did so. However it seemed that this time Ivan was ready for him and from the doorway of his room I watched the child jump from his bed, land on top of my dog, and repeat the process he'd just done to Dudley. Unlike Dudley however, Little Russia did not whisper into Bandit's ear. Instead, he fully bit down on it.
I somewhat remembered an old movie I'd seen where it said biting a dog's ear made him recognise you as dominant, but damn it all if I could remember what movie it was. Anyway, it seemed to have the desired effect because when Ivan pulled away, Bandit looked at him, sneezed, and then jumped onto the bed to sniff at Dudley's trembling figure.
Well alright then.
"So, er, I have toys and stuff around if you want them but um... I think I have to work so... just knock on my bedroom door if you need anything... okay?" I said, hoping it would be okay to leave the kid alone. Well at the very least I doubted he'd be bitten again, and quite frankly I was about done hanging out with him for the time being. I mean, yes he was cute, but he was also coming across as rather creepy right now, so some time to compose myself would be nice.
"Okay!" Little Russia nodded and hopped onto his bed to start stroking Coco's flabby stomach as she sprawled across the comforter. With a brief nod, I left the room and hurried down to my own. I was about to shut my door when Kelly darted in and leapt onto my computer chair, looking at my imploringly.
"Oh Kelly! My life is just bizarre, what the hell!" I moaned tragically and shut my door before running over to scoop the tabby into my arms. I nuzzled her fur with my cheek and after struggling to get a better position the cat began purring. My adorable Kelly, always the best to talk to about things!
"Kelly, I'm afraid Ivan is creeping me out."
"Meow"
"I mean, the fast healing is normal for what he is I guess, but you didn't hear him talk to Dudley, and now the poor little pup won't quit shaking... I don't know if I should be happy or mad or upset about this."
"Meow"
"Yes, I know I like grown up Ivan because he is cute and creepy and sexy beyond imagining. Just... little kid creepiness is more... terrifying?"
"Meow"
"Well yes... I guess creepy kids are more interesting than impossibly cute ones..."
"MEOW"
"Okay fine I'll get you a treat! God!" I snapped, dumping the cat on my bed and opening the drawer in my bedside table where I kept a bag of tuna flavoured kitty treats. I dug into the bag and took out about a dozen, dumping them on my mattress for Kelly to devour as I went and plunked myself down in front of the computer monitor. I was quick in bringing up Heart of Darkness and after reading over the last couple of paragraphs of the chapter I began furiously typing out the next. Since I'd just hit the halfway point, it was time to escalate things quickly toward the climax. I was surprised to find I had rather a lot of inspiration that day and had typed out nearly three pages before my fingers trailed off on a sentence and it occurred to me that I wanted to order some things off the internet. I quickly minimized my story and brought up Amazondotcom once again.
It didn't take long to order up an end table, a lamp and a small dresser for Little Russia, but it occurred to me that China would also need a bed to sleep in, and that is where everything went downhill. I wasn't very familiar with China's character- in truth I hadn't actually watched the Hetalia in quite some time, reading Fan fiction for it more than anything else. Funny, considering how much I professed my love for the show when I hadn't seen the first couple of seasons in... god I don't know how long. Well, before I worried about that I hurried to the Hetalia Units section and ordered up Russia again. As I did so I noticed a new Unit available now, America. Well, that was interesting. I always liked Russia/America pairings in Fan fiction. But of course it would be insanity to order him up, I was already going on credit to order Russia again as it was. If Heart of Darkness bombed I would be in deep shit let me tell you. Honestly, at this point I would have to make Prussia get a job no matter what the hours because we needed the income. China could probably get a job too, though I really needed him to take care of Little Russia because Lord knows I was doing a terrible job at it.
Anyway, after ordering my full grown Russia for the second time, I decided that perhaps it would be useful to re-watch Hetalia: Axis Powers in order to get a feel for China's character again. That would probably help me figure out what kind of furniture to get, or where to set his room up. All I could remember was that he was Chinese (well... duh) and that he liked cute things. Cute things. Cute things. Hmm... maybe I could just get a bed and put it in my plushie room? Those were definitely cute. Though it would mean moving my electronics again...
I stopped heading for my door and went back to the computer. Maybe I didn't need to watch Hetalia right now after all, that was a pretty good idea I'd just had. What was better was that the plushie room had a closet already so no dresser required! I quickly ordered a twin sized bed for China with a plain white comforter (since I still had no clue what he would actually like). I resolved that in order to save money, I would just take one of the freestanding lamps from the living room and put it in China's room, and if he complained I'd just tell him to earn the money for furniture himself! Ha ha, that worked out well. I smiled to myself as I closed Amazondotcom and brought up my novel again. I felt ready to finish off perhaps a whole new chapter before dinner, or at least before bed time!
And so I typed. Eventually I found myself getting hungry and I decided to cook up some mac and cheese. I was about to eat a bowlful when Little Russia appeared in the kitchen and I remembered, oops, you have to feed kids. So I offered him a bowl. He looked at it uncertainly until I grabbed some ketchup and doused the meal in it. With a smile the kid started to eat, effectively looking covered in blood once again. He was smiling again too. Well, at least I could get him to eat stuff, thank god.
After dinner Little Ivan expressed the desire to spend time with me. This weirded me out a rather lot since most of the time people don't really seem to enjoy being around me, but I figured he was probably bored. So I offered to watch TV with him and he agreed with vigour. I flipped on the television (apparently the satellite was back on) and scanned through the channels until I found some old re-runs of Phineas and Ferb. Well, that was always a cool show. And kid friendly too, a bonus! I still had a Perry the Platypus t-shirt in my drawer and a Ferb mug in my kitchen cupboard. It was the episode about the aglet, which was a classic. However despite my constant laughter and enjoyment of the old cartoon, I sort of noticed that Little Ivan seemed rather bored by it all.
"I do not understand this show," he finally said during the commercial break, "Why is there so much fuss over what the tip of a shoelace is called?"
"It just... it's what the show is about! They always do something weird, like building a water park or starting a fashion line or making a big deal out of aglets... and what about Perry and Doofinshmerts? They're just awesome you have to admit... well it's... I'm not lame damn it!" I felt my cheeks heat up, why am I getting embarrassed about this in front of a six year old? This was my house and I could watch and enjoy what I wanted damn it! I looked at the clock. It was ten pm. "Woah, look at the time! So late already, better go to bed!" I laughed at my luck and gently pushed Little Russia off the couch. He frowned a little and stumbled to the front hall, looking up the dark stair case to the upper story. I saw him tremble again, although this time he didn't seem to be faking at all.
"Um, Mother Russia, can you come with me to bed? It is only that I cannot quite reach the light switch and um..." he had his hands to his chest and was looking hopelessly adorable once more. Something I would never be able to fight- I could tell. Damn it!
"Y-yeah, sure," I mumbled, shutting off the TV and walking over to gather Little Russia into my arms again. I ascended the stairs without too much trouble and adjusted my hold on the kid to open his door. I flipped on the light and found both dogs and Coco lying on the bed where I'd left them before.
"Thank you Mother Russia!" Ivan giggled as I placed him on the bed and nudged my dogs to wake them up. They whimpered in their sleep and opened their eyes.
"Okay pups, I'm going to put you out in a minute, so get off the bed," I pushed them again and they lazily jumped off to the floor. They didn't even seem to notice Ivan watching them. I looked at Coco and then at Little Russia. "If you want the cat in here with you the door has to stay open so she can get to the litter box."
"Oh, that is fine," Little Russia nodded and I nodded back.
"Right! Okay, so get some sleep, Prussia might be back in a couple of hours or else in the morning I suppose. And if something bad happens, um, I guess come wake me up, urg... god I hope China gets here soon," I muttered, going to close the door when Little Russia piped up behind me.
"Oh, do I not get a kiss goodnight, Mother Russia?" he asked quietly. Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. My first time kissing Russia and it was going to be his kid self. No pedo thoughts! Well, there wouldn't be anyway because I wasn't into kids it was just that... well it was confusing because I loved big Russia and wanted to have back breaking sex with him but his child self was adorable and slightly creepy but really sweet and... "Mother Russia? Are you okay? Your face is turning very red..."
"Oh, no I'm fine!" Sure my voice was at a pitch that would normally give dogs a migraine but I was fine I swear! "S-sure you can have a kiss goodnight!" I let out some uneasy laughter and Little Russia continued to look concerned as I cross the room and gave him a brief peck on the top of the head before dashing out of the room so fast the rug could've caught fire from the friction. Why I ran I would have trouble explaining, but it seemed the thing to do at the time so...
I stumbled to the back door to find my dogs already waiting for me, back to normal and wagging their tails eagerly. I smiled in some relief; they seemed okay after whatever they experienced with Ivan. I opened the back door and the dogs burst out into the snow drifts, bouncing along. I sighed as I watched them and let my mind drift over once more to what Prussia was doing with his newfound boy toy right now. I felt myself grow heated again and my hands drifted towards my chest as I opened the door to let the dogs inside again.
With the kid tucked into bed and Prussia safely out of the way, not to mention good headway met on the writing front, I decided that maybe, just maybe, it was time to watch some good old internet yaoi hentai...
Heh heh heh heh heh heh...
So two hours later when I went to lock up the house, I was feeling very, very content and giddy. I always felt that way after watching two hot animated guys bumping uglies in the middle of the night. It was a good feeling.
Roughly three seconds after I locked the door and went to turn on the electric fence, my doorbell went off. Immediately my dogs raced in and started barking up a storm and I'll admit I might have been surprised by the sound as well. Still, it was no surprise to find Prussia when I opened the door, looking thoroughly shit faced and grinning like a maniac, clothes and hair mussed rather well.
"Most. Awesome. Night. EVAAAAAA..." Prussia started giggling wildly as he stumbled past me. I shook my head and shut the door, finishing locking up just as a crash sounded from the stairs to the basement. Presumably Prussia had fallen down them. I sighed heavily and walked to the stairs. The door was hanging open and I could see Prussia sprawled at the bottom. Gilbird was on his head again and chirping wildly.
"Are you alive or should I call the morgue?" I called down the stairs. Unintelligible groans followed by a shaky thumbs up was a pretty good answer I supposed, so I made to shut the door. However, curiosity stopped me here. I did rather want to know what had gone on to put the Prussian in such a good mood so throwing caution to the wind I descended the stairs and poked Prussia in the side.
"What do you waaaaaant?" he moaned, turning his head to face me and looking bleary eyed.
"So, you had fun I take it?" I asked with a smirk.
"Yeah," Prussia giggled again, "Corey is sooooooo cute!" The albino hiccupped.
"Mm hm..." I hummed thoughtfully, "So what did you do with him?"
"Kesesesesese... I fucked him!" he made a lewd gesture with his fist. Immediately I had the mental image of Prussia and Corey naked and sexing it up... Corey's body might've been a tad romanticized, but it was a hot image. Might have to look up more porn...
"So was that all you did, or did you do regular date stuff too? When'd you get smashed?" I asked, noticing that his breath reeked of beer.
"Nrg, uh... I dunno..." he seemed to be straining to think past his inebriation. After a moment he gave up and started to laugh wildly. "H-he wants to hook up again! And it was awesome!" Prussia then tried to get up and threw up all over the floor.
"Oh gross!" I reared away from the drunken albino and looked around for something to mop up with. My eyes settled on the open door to the bathroom I had never used, though it seemed Prussia had since the items inside it had at least been cleared all the way to the toilet. I got off the floor and grabbed a towel, coming back to start mopping off the floor. I then took a good look at Prussia. His shirt and chin were dripping with the stuff too. Gross.
"Kesesesese... I sh-should clean up huh?" Prussia slurred, giggling again.
"Yeah, I think that's a good idea," I said with a sigh. Sadly, this wasn't an entirely new experience for me. Before I tossed my Toronto roommate, Christine, out after my first publishing deal, I had the poor fortune of getting to clean up her drunken vomit on multiple occasions. The difference was that she tended to get depressed and burst into tears when she was drunk, at least Prussia looked rather exuberant. I never did understand why Christine drank if it made her feel so down, but that was years ago now so back to the matter at hand. Even if it was gross, I think I preferred this to domestic mode.
"Come on Gil, let's go to the sink," I tugged on his arm and after a moment I managed to get him back on his feet, even if he swayed a bit. In the bathroom I grabbed another towel, wet it in the sink, and attacked Prussia's face with it.
"HEY! Phht, get away from me!" Prussia sputtered, trying to pull his face from my towel assault but I would have none of that!
"Fuck off; I know what I'm doing!" I spat, pulling away the towel only when satisfied that he was vomit free. I then grabbed the bottom of his shirt and yanked it up over his head before he had time to breathe.
"W-what are you doing?" Prussia gasped as he stood shirtless. I frowned. Some more vomit had gotten onto his face from the shirt so I attacked it with the towel again. "STOP THAT!"
"I guess all this can go through the laundry then," I sighed, grabbing the shirt and towels and heading out of the bathroom and around the corner to the one room downstairs I used on a semi-regular basis, the laundry room. I dumped the articles in with the rest of the clothes that had been mounting up there over the last couple of weeks and turned on the washer. Then I returned to the Prussian, who had left the bathroom and had managed to get into his own room, collapsing on the bed face down again. I shook my head. This is why I didn't drink. Well, one of the reasons. No dignity in it. Also, I liked remembering everything that happened to me. Plus, I'm kind of afraid of what I'd act like if I was drunk. And there's the fact that I had yet to find an alcoholic beverage that didn't taste like shit to me.
In any case, I walked over to the Prussian and pushed him over so he was on his back. His red eyes opened slightly (redder than usual from intoxication). He glared.
"What now? Let me sleep... un-awesome..." he mumbled as Gilbird flew over from wherever he had been and perched on the bed post.
"I'll leave when you get under the covers like a big boy. Come on, it's not that hard," I put my hands on my hips and gave an expectant look.
Grumbling so much you'd think I'd asked him to drive thirty minutes to pick up milk at two in the morning, Prussia slithered his way up the bed and managed to get himself more or less under the covers. I smirked.
"Not so hard, was it?" I smirked. He gave me the finger. I laughed. However, as I went to leave the room, I heard a mumbled whisper from behind me. I frowned and turned to look at the Prussia, my hand already brushing the light switch. "What was that?"
Prussia gave a small, soft snort. "You're so un-awesome Mom, not even a goodnight kiss?"
I glared and chewed the inside of my cheek before giving him the finger. "You probably taste like vomit and beer; no way am I kissing that."
"Not even on the cheek?" he sent a cheeky grin. Stupid drunk Prussian. He probably wouldn't even remember that I helped him clean off in the morning. He probably wouldn't remember any of this actually.
Huh...
No, no! He's dating that Corey guy and I'm saving myself for Russia now damn it! And he's so drunk he probably can't get it up at this point anyway.
"Fine. On the cheek," I said decisively marching back to the bed. Prussia looked surprised as I leaned down and pecked his cheek before striding out of the room, clicking off the light as I did so. I ignored the 'kesesesese' that followed me up the stairs, because I had been right. He tasted like vomit and beer. Disgusting.
I brushed my teeth to rid myself of the taste of Prussia before heading to my room. It had been what, three, four days since my life went to pot? That was tiring. I needed sleep. I settled under the covers, after a moment I felt two creatures jump onto the foot of the bed (by the sounds of dog tags jingling I assumed my dogs) and they curled around my legs as I slowly drifted off.
Several hours later, I awoke to feel three lumps pressed against me. Two of them were by my legs. One was lying up against my side. I turned my head to see a small boy's face inches from my own. His eyes were closed and he was breathing lightly. I was groggy, confused and slightly terrified.
"AH! KID IN MY BED!" I screamed, jettisoning my hands forward with all the force I could muster, effectively giving the kid a stellar wakeup call as he landed on the floor and stared at me with wide, confused and horrified eyes. And he started trembling.
"W-why Mother Russia? I-I'm sorry I came into your room without permission but you were asleep and I had bad dreams so..." he shivered harder. I stared at him for a moment before it came to me.
"Oh... oh fuck Ivan! I forgot you were... oh. Um, sorry about that," I swung my legs out of bed and picked Little Russia off the ground. "I just have this weird problem where I can't remember anything in the morning. I'm not a morning person. What time is it?" I glanced at my clock. Seven AM. Too early to be moving really, but I was awake now so whatever. "How about breakfast?"
"As long as it isn't those disgusting noodles from yesterday, the red stuff you put on them only just masked the taste."
"... well that was rude," I muttered, opening my bedroom door and heading for the kitchen. I deposited the kid at the table and set about making a couple of bowls of cereal. Little Russia looked at it suspiciously before giving a resigned sigh and picking up his spoon. I had a strong feeling that he found the meals he was receiving in my house less than satisfactory, but hopefully when China got here he could cook him up something more palatable for the tiny Russian.
"So did Big Brother Prussia come home from his date last night?" Little Russia asked after a few grimace-heavy bites of cereal.
"Oh yeah, he did," I nodded.
"Then why is he not at breakfast?" Little Russia cocked his head to one side, cute as usual.
"Oh, he has a hangover. He drank too much."
"Oh. Oh! That's a good idea, perhaps this would be better if I washed it down with vodka, da?" Little Russia piped up happily. My lips quirked downward, but I figured that well, it was Russia, even if he was in miniature. He could probably handle more alcohol than I could. I went and got a bottle, pouring some into a glass and setting it in front of the Russian. He frowned.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Why is the glass so small?"
"Because it's early in the day and I want to see how you handle that before I give you any more," I said sternly, leaving no room for argument. Little Russia pouted, but still took the glass and raised it to his lips, giving a contented sigh as the liquid poured down his throat.
I had given a six-year-old boy vodka just because he asked for it. I am a terrible person.
I was just putting the dishes in the dish washer and was in the process of turning it on when the doorbell rang. I shut the washer and pressed the power button before going to answer it. My dogs were already at the door and barking, but strangely when Little Russia followed me into the hall both looked at him and fell silent, backing away into the living room. Damn that kid travelled from cute to creepy like a flash.
When I opened the door I found myself facing what was growing to be a familiar face.
"Hello Mr. Delivery Person, I assume you brought China?" I asked, rubbing the last of sleep from my eyes. He looked at me bizarrely.
"Uh, is this a bad time?"
I looked down. Oh, right, no pants. I don't usually wear pants to bed but living alone for so long tended to make me forget about putting them on in the morning sometimes.
"Nah, bring it in. I'll just go grab some pants while you do," I said and dashed quickly back to my room. I grabbed the first set of jeans I touched and pulled them on before heading back to the front hall where the blue-eyed delivery man had just finished grunting and straining to drag the crate inside.
"Sign here," the delivery man handed me the clipboard and I signed quickly. He handed me the manual.
It read: YAO WANG: User Guide and Manual
"Yep, sounds right. Although if it's the chibi version in there I'm probably going to castrate you when I see you next, fair warning," I said airily as I started flipping through and scanning the booklet.
"Well don't shoot the messenger, it's not my fault!" the delivery man protested. My eyes darted to meet his.
"I said castrate, not shoot. And how do I know this isn't all because you kept mixing up crates? You just better hope you got it right this time. And next time too, I ordered Russia again you see," I smirked.
"I know," the delivery man rolled his eyes. Suddenly they widened. Mine did too for an instant before narrowing.
"And how would you know?" I asked suspiciously, suddenly putting pieces together...
"I just- I don't! I just figured since you were so obsessed with getting him you would keep trying so..."
"I think I know where I recognised that customer support guy's voice! It was you, wasn't it?"
"Uh..."
"Wasn't it? Mr. Don't-Shoot-The-Messenger-I'm-Just-Delivery?" I glared and tapped my foot.
"Well... I got you two free Units already, I don't get why you'd be upset!" The delivery guy looked pissed off and crossed his arms huffily. I rolled my eyes and gave another glare.
"Just one more reason to castrate you if you screw it up again. Clearly if you're in charge of re-ordering my Russia Unit and in charge of delivering it, you're quite likely to be the reason I keep missing out. So just be sure it's right next time, and your balls have nothing to fear, okay?"
"Whatever lady..." the delivery man grumbled before stalking out of the house, slamming the door behind him. I glanced toward the crate. Little Russia was standing beside it, running his hands over it in a circular pattern, his eyes wide.
"China is in there?" he whispered in wonder. I raised an eyebrow, but nodded, unsure what to make of the excited expression on the kid's face. Oh well. I opened the manual again and began reading. "A Panda-aru Unit? Oh wait... that was that giant panda that could talk wasn't it?" I grimaced. I always found that thing strangely creepy when it appeared in the anime or the manga. Well, China would likely be able to control it so... Oh and of course he's a babysitter... and a voice actor? I didn't know he had a good voice..."
"Yes, China sings beautifully!" Little Russia cooed, hugging the box. Okay, he was just crossing the boundaries of cute and creepy again... best keep reading along...
"Removal from packaging! Here we go..." I read silently down the page. I didn't know the Chinese national anthem, and I didn't want a lesson in Mandarin. I supposed I could play the Japanese national anthem, but that would kind of be like tricking China out of the box and he likely would be disappointed without a Japan unit... but I would come back to that probably. And speak Russian and he would... well obviously I didn't want him to jump me.
"Y lublu vаs Кetаoy!" Little Russia said happily. Or something to that effect, I'm not entirely sure, not being able to speak Russian myself let alone be sure of pronunciation. But it was Russian, whatever it sounded like. The room seemed to become almost eerily quiet. Little Russia turned his wide violet eyes on me. "We can open the box now, da?"
"N-no, I don't think that's a good idea. How about I go find some Japanese music and calm him down, sound good?" I offered with a shaky laugh. I did not want China jumping me and trying to kill me today. Just wasn't in the mood.
"Hmm... no, that's fine. I do not want to listen to Japanese music," Little Russia smiled. "I know! How about I open the box for you, Mother Russia?"
"No! That's fine, I-" But it was too late. Somehow, Little Russia jumped up and hit the edge of the crate lid with enough force to send it flying off. I had no idea he was that strong... I needed a crow bar to get him out... where was the cute little helpless kid from yesterday? In that instant a man no taller than I launched himself out of the crate, performed a mid-air triple somersault before landing in front of Little Russia. His dark hair was held back in a ponytail and... and...
Well he was pretty.
Very, very pretty.
I mean... well damn.
He looked down at Little Russia and suddenly looked rather confused.
"Er... Russia, is that you-aru?" China asked hesitantly.
"Da!" Little Russia grinned, holding up his arms as if in want of a hug. China's confusion continued as turned his head and looked at me. I held his manual loosely at my side and shrugged.
"Um, I tried to order full grown Russia and they sent me the chibi version... and then they sent you to babysit him," I explained, not really having much else to say to China. He wasn't a character I either really liked or disliked, I never felt much for China at all that I could recall offhand. "I ordered your bed yesterday, but if it doesn't show up you'll sleep on the couch till it gets here I guess. You're in charge of looking after Ivan and cooking since I don't really think Prussia should be in the kitchen and Ivan doesn't like what I make."
"You'll make me many delicious things, da?" Little Russia said to China happily, arms still raised for a hug. China looked down at his adorable eyes and flushed. I could see resistance weakening in his eyes.
"I-I can do that... but... well i-it's Russia-aru and... well he..." China closed his eyes and let out a wail before dropping to his knees and grabbing Russia's miniature, hugging him so tightly that I thought his eyeballs would pop out of their sockets for a second there. "HE'S SO CUTE-ARU! CUUUUUUTE! ... ARU!"
I blinked. It was too early in the morning for this.
"Well... good luck with that. I actually think I'll be going back to bed now. Have fun." And with that I left Little Russia struggling to breathe in China's embrace and went to my bedroom. I still lacked a lock but... hey, I'd been lacking a lock for a while now hadn't I? Where was that thing I wonder? Well, not that I could do much now. Too much stimulus for one sitting. I sank back onto the bed, yanked off my jeans and tossing them on the floor I snuggled down and prepared to go back to sleep until noon.
It was only ten minutes later that my phone rang. Giving a cry of frustration I lifted it from its cradle beside my bed and held it to my ear.
"Yes, what?" I asked in tired irritation. I could still hear China screaming about Little Russia being cute from the front hall.
"Honey? It's your mother!"
My eyes widened. Shit.
"Oh, uh, h-hey Mom," I stammered, rolling off my bed and going to lean against the bedroom door to prevent unwanted entrance. "What's up?"
"It's almost Christmas sweetie, I was hoping you could come home for Christmas this year. I know you're busy with your work, but we all really want to see you! Your sister's coming up with her husband and kids; she has two now you know!" Yeah I knew, she'd called me to tell me the good news three months ago. I still hadn't seen my sister's first child though I at least remembered that it was a boy. I thought her second was a girl, but I couldn't really remember.
"I can't come home Mom, things are even worse right now than usual. I have to finish my new novel by the end of January, plus I'm... er... I have some fri- frien... I'm renting rooms in my house right now."
"Y-you're renting rooms? Oh, are things really that bad honey? I don't hear from you often, just be careful when renting. I know your aunt Paula had some serious problems with renters in the past."
"Yeah I know, I've heard," I suppressed a sigh. I could tell my mom thought to some degree at least I was bullshitting her. But she couldn't complain. She knows why I won't come home. I know why I won't come home. Neither of us will say it, but we both know why. This call happens every year. We both know how it will end.
Though I didn't account for the huge crash I heard from the living room and the absurd shouting match that followed.
"What was that?" my Mom heard it too apparently. Great.
"Uh, that was probably my boarders. Crap. Uh, I'd better go check this..."
"Honey, if you need any help, you know I'll be there as soon as I can!"
"Not necessary Mom!" I insisted as skittered out of my room and down the hall to the living room. The sight I faced was Prussia, dark circles surrounding his red eyes and hair a mess, duking it out with China, looking ready to kill and swinging a wok (from the crate presumably) around like a maniac. On the couch was Little Russia, eating Strawberry Pop-tarts. I wasn't happy about this. I only had two packages of strawberry pop tarts left after all.
Oh and the chaos thing. None too happy about that either.
"Erm..." I watched helplessly as China clobbered Prussia over the head. The Prussian grabbed the Chinese man's ankle and yanked him to the floor. The dogs were barking uproariously.
"Honey? Honey are you okay?"
"I'm fine Mom!" I laughed into the phone, though it sounded faked, even to me. I frowned and looked at Little Russia who had waved when I came in. I covered the mouthpiece on the phone so my mom wouldn't hear any more. "Ivan, what are they fighting about?"
Little Russia giggled, both a cute and creepy thing. Well I seemed to be getting used to it by this point. "Big Brother Prussia came upstairs and saw me getting these pastries from the cupboard. He called me a brat and tried to shove me into the oven. Then Big Brother Yao came back from the bathroom and clubbed him with his wok, and then they just kept fighting! It is much more amusing than that strange cartoon from last night."
I tucked my tongue into my cheek in irritation and looked back at the other two Units. From the kitchen I heard some telltale meowing. Coco was hungry.
Yep, here's where I stand, and I can't say I like it as much as Little Russia.
Throwing all sense to the wind, I step in between the two fighting Units.
"ALRIGHT GUYS! That's enough, quit fi-" Huh, everything's gone black suddenly.
...
...
...
I open my eyes. I'm on the floor. Prussia, China and Little Russia are standing over me.
"Mother Russia, are you okay?" Little Russia whispers, tears in his eyes. I mumble, unable to find words. His eyes widen.
"That was dumb, walking in front of China while he's swinging his wok around," Prussia snorts.
"I'm so sorry-aru!" China says, looking very upset.
"I... I'm okay..." I manage to choke out, moving to sit up. The room spins. I lay back down. "Er... for the most part. Oh, shit, where's the phone?"
"Phone?" Little Russia looks around and moves out of my line of sight, returning quickly with the phone. "Here, Mother Russia."
"Thanks," I mutter, grabbing it and holding it to my ear. There is a dial tone. Shit. I quickly work to dial my mom's phone number. One ring, two rings...
"Sweetie are you okay? I hear another crash and the phone goes dead, what happened?"
"It's okay I just er... I just dropped the phone! Chin- uh, Yao... broke a dish. Yeah. So it's okay, nothing's wrong, sorry I can't be home for Christmas!" I say as quickly as possible, feeling rather nauseous.
"Well... if you're sure dear just... remember I'm only a phone call away. If you ever need help with anything, I'm here. I just... I miss you sweetheart. Your sister does too, e-even you Dad..."
My face darkens. "Mom, we both know that's not true."
"Yes it is! It is true!"
"Goodbye Mom." I press the button to end the call. I sit up, not feeling dizzy this time. I bite my lip but recomposed myself before the silent Units around me could question my phone call. I stand swiftly. "I'm not exactly sleepy now, so I'm going to work on my novel for the rest of the day. Don't bother me."
With that I march to my room, ignoring the questioning looks from those in the living room. I ignore the dogs racing after my feet. I ignore my cat meowing in the kitchen. I go straight inside and shut the door. I go to my computer. I go online and look up the anime Chobits and pump the speakers up to a blaring level, watching with a blank look and fighting back any tears that try to come out of my eyes.
((Joyful Note: Ah ha. Daddy issues. I know it's probably cliché... well I already knew I was being unoriginal. I'm also sorry we didn't see much China interaction but I assure you that we'll see more as time goes on. ... you know, even if it is unoriginal of me, I'm kind of liking what I wrote this time around, at least the last part. Kind of a downer ending, but things will improve with time. I just want some genuine conflict as well and I figure there needs to be a reason my character here is living away from human contact! So we shall discover. Anyway, I updated 24 pages! Huzzah! And who knows? Perhaps next part she'll get... oh who are we kidding at this point, honestly? Well stay tuned to see how our delivery guy fucks up next time! Tooda-loo!))