I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.
Chapter 5: Well... I Don't Know, Maybe I Just Want Some Sanity, Is That So Wrong?
Actually, things are pretty quiet right now. Well, it's the middle of the night and I'm staring at my now-bare ceiling thinking about how much I wanted to skin Yao alive for making me take down my porn pics, but still it's nice to know I can still get a quiet moment around here once in a while, even if there seems no logical end in sight to my screw ups in delivery. What is so hard about delivering one clone of a genetically engineered adorable, sexy psychopath is anybody's guess. But before I lead you all down the inevitable dance toward this quiet moment from where I left off last time, I would like to tell you about someone very close to me who has inspired me to distance myself from family as much as possible. I want to tell you about my dad.
My dad wasn't a hard man or anything like that. He liked smiling, except in photos, it was rare to get him to smile in those. Even when he did, his moustache tended to hide it. He was always good for a joke. He was in the military, sure, but he was never enforcing military regulations on me or my sister. Our rooms were messy and he didn't like that, but as long as there weren't piles of stuff on the floor he'd usually give a trademark eye roll and move along. I somehow doubt I'd get off so easily if he saw the state of most of my house, but he's never visited me.
He was kind too. If I was down, like after getting a verbal bully thrashing from the morons at school, he'd give me a hug and tell me that when I grew up they'd all be working for me. And generous! I remember vividly all the awesome Christmas presents over the years like my laptop, or iPod Touch... I think I remember saying he gave me his old car, the Ford Taurus right? Well that was only because the car he bought for me turned out to be something of a lemon. Rather than risk me having such a dangerous thing he insisted I take his old car and he drove that lemon back and forth to work instead until the day it died completely. And he wasn't just generous to our family either. When my grandpa died, he donated a full $2000 from his inheritance to different charities. My dad was and I suppose, if you twisted my ear and made me say it, probably is a good man. I know that. In fact, we always tended to agree on a lot of things, and even dare I say share a somewhat twisted sense of humour.
However, we also disagree on some things I would consider rather important. My dad's a religious man, and my beliefs are more... vague. I mean, God just doesn't seem to factor into my life very much, you know? Still, that isn't what our biggest problem is, since my dad seemed to accept for a long while that I was having a... spiritual crisis of sorts and I think he believed I would find God again given enough time. He wasn't going to push it though.
And, well, he definitely knew about my anime addiction. But he was cool about that too. Even if he was rather vocal that he thought the Japanese were trying to take over North America and it was working because anime was so popular, he still would give in and buy me anime DVDs and Japanese video games whenever I asked for them over Christmas or for my birthday. Anime was not... precisely the catalyst for the row that made me sequester myself from my family for the last five years. Not precisely, but it played a role. A rather big role, I suppose, giving it some thought.
Maybe it was my own fault for not speaking up sooner about how I felt. When I lived with my parents, I always found it best to live under the radar. I would do what my parents asked since I knew they asked relatively little, and when either parent started a conversation that would cause a problem if I voiced my opinion on it, I would either try to force the topic away or else sneak out of the room entirely. If both those options were unavailable I would sit quiet, eyes glazed and trying to ignore the bubbling angry goo that would seem to line my intestinal track during my dad's rants. Rants about something I would never be able to agree with him on. Rants about something I would never be able to sway his opinion on. Rants that I could barely stand to hear, that would prevent me inviting certain friends over for fear of what my dad would do, that would make me have to warn friends of what they said or implied in his presence. Rants that would always limit what I could confide in him and that would always place one Grand Canyon of a chasm in our relationship that could never be crossed without a painful fall.
My dad hates homosexuals. He hates them with every part of his body. And that is something about my dad I will never, ever be able to accept.
... I think that's enough for now about him. No doubt I'll have to get into that more later, but that's all I can stomach for now about that whole mess. So let's get back to where I left you last time, shall we? No really, we'll get back to this later I promise, I'm just wiped out.
In my bedroom/study, I watched Chobits for a good two hours before I felt calm enough to actually work on Heart of Darkness. I got two paragraphs done and was sitting back in my chair balancing a pencil crayon on my upper lip and wondering if I should have Lilith, the rival of my protagonist for her love interest, actually be working with the kidnappers, or if I should have her redeem herself and help save my protagonist. It would likely be easier to make her evil, but it would probably be more interesting if she turned out not as bad as the protagonist thinks of her. This train of thought was disrupted when my bedroom door opened and the scent of Chinese food wafted toward me. This wasn't the usual Chinese buffet crap though, this was the real thing straight from the wok.
I was annoyed at the thought of being bothered, but the smell was just too delicious to resist so I spun in my chair, expecting to see Yao holding up a plate as a peace offering and perhaps professing another apology for accidently hitting me with his wok. I doubted Prussia would be hospitable enough to bring me food and... well maybe it could be Little Ivan but I somehow thought that unlikely.
What I did not expect in the slightest, but what seemed to be there holding the plate of delicious smelling food was a gigantic panda bear.
"G-g-g-giiii... giant Panda. Oh my God," I whimpered, sitting back far in my chair. I was frozen. I don't know what it was about this creature that had entered my midst. Giant animals are fine. Talking animals are fine (and I sort of recognised it as China's panda. I knew he could talk and likely would in a moment). But... this panda was just... he looked as if someone was wearing a panda costume and then some wizard made it so the costume was their actual skin and fur. It's just... a really creepy thing to see, or even think about in that context. Particularly when one had read the manga 'Franken Fran' and a particular story of surgery gone horrific when a man's brain is placed inside a monster created from a theme park costume and... oh god. Why did I have to go through such a long horror manga phase in my youth? Now I had all sorts of scary mental images that come up at random...
"Hello," the panda blinked and cocked his giant mutant head to one side, "I am Panda-aru. Yao has sent me with some food. He would have brought it himself except he is afraid you're still mad at him for hitting you with his wok, as well as he's busy guarding the small Russian child from the strange albino man."
"Er... a-at least he's doing his job," I coughed a little to try and hide my stammering. Panda-aru's voice sounded just... wrong. Too human, I guess. It's weird I would prefer a squeaky or growly voice to emanate from black and white creature, but the extremely normal human sounding voice just seemed unnatural coming out of the bear's mouth. It was odd that its mouth could even form normal words, now that I thought about it. I did like the smell of the food it had brought with it though. "Um... just put the food on my bedside table and go. I-I'm busy."
"... I see," the panda glanced at the computer screen over my shoulder. I glanced there as well, a little involuntarily, and saw a game of minesweeper halfway completed. When did I start playing minesweeper? Damn, I played it so much apparently it had started popping up out of nowhere (or more likely I just pulled it up without thinking about it and quickly forgot when I looked away). But it certainly didn't look like work.
"Y-yes, I was just er... Minesweeper helps me think okay?" Why was I defending myself to a giant panda bear? This was too surreal. The bear shrugged.
"Well, I suppose to each their own," the bear placed the food where I'd asked and left, shutting the door carefully behind him. I turned slowly back to the screen and thought about what I had in my house right now.
A cute yet creepy Russian child. An egotistical idiot albino Prussian and his annoying bird. A cuteness-obsessed Chinese man who wields a mean wok and is friends with a giant mutant panda bear. Two adorable dogs terrified of the Russian child. Two adorable cats who have been running in fear much more often than normal lately. And an anime fan girl of twenty eight years of age, trying to hold her last shreds of sanity together.
God help me. My life was turning into a crack fic and I couldn't summon up enough energy to reverse the damage.
I got up after a moment and went to retrieve the Chinese food from the end table. China had supplied me with a fork, most likely because I only had one set of chopsticks and they were in my bedroom. This was because they were quality chopsticks and came in a special box and it just didn't feel right keeping them in the kitchen. I... really don't know why that didn't feel right, but that was the case and damn it, this was my house and no one should question me on where I keep my foreign eating implements! I set the fork aside and quickly retrieved the chopsticks for use, because Chinese food doesn't taste the same when eaten with anything else, am I right? Don't bother answering, I know I am.
I have to say, it was probably the best Chinese food I'd ever eaten in my life. Though that makes sense, considering China made it. I pushed the plate to one side and stared at the computer screen. My musings had somewhat fled, but I had a deadline to meet and I was determined to get at least one more chapter finished today before I had to go deal with the fact my life might never be the same again. I didn't want to think about that. I liked my life before!
My hands were held over the keys to resume my work when my door swung open again, slamming into my wall so hard the doorknob probably dinted it. I jolted forward in my seat and my arms swept to hug myself as I spun to face the intruder. This time, it was Prussia. At his heels, Bandit and Dudley burst into the room. Bandit cowered at my feet and Dudley jumped into my lap. My arms gently released my shoulders and encircled my dog, which I petted absently as Prussia shut the door firmly behind him and gazed at me wide eyed.
"There is a giant panda bear in the kitchen and it's talking," Prussia whispered. I bit my lip, both out of my own concern over this situation, and to bite back some laughter at how freaked out the albino looked right then.
"Yeah, it's China's. He came in earlier with food so... yeah he's creepy isn't he?" I laughed nervously before clearing my throat. "Why didn't you go hide in your own room?"
Prussia rolled his eyes. "My room still doesn't have a door," he explained, leaning heavily against mine. "I'm not going to stand at the top of the basement steps holding onto the doorknob you know, I'm too-"
"Awesome for that," I finished for him. He didn't seem to like my tone and glared, but piss on him the catchphrase was wearing thin on my patience by this point. "Well find somewhere else to hide from the mutant panda, I'm busy working. I thought I said not to bother me?"
"Yeah... oh hey that's right, who were you talking to on the phone again? Whoever it was they seemed to piss you off," Prussia let out a stream of 'kesesesese' that I did my best to disregard.
I nibbled on the inside of my cheek before responding. "It... was my mom."
"Oh, grandma then," Prussia nodded; grinning maliciously at my both angered and further scandalized expression.
"Gilbert, I'm not you mother, my mother is not your grandmother, you are not related to me at all. And thank fucking God for that. Now get out of my room."
Prussia's grin widened and he crossed his arms. "No."
My hands abruptly stopped petting my dog. My muscles tensed. "What did you say?"
"I said no, what are you going to do about it?" Prussia's head cocked to one side and his eyebrows rose in challenge. I pushed Dudley off my lap and stood. I marched over to the albino and stabbed a finger sharply into his stomach.
"OW!" he cried and covered his stomach with his hands, doubling over slightly. I took this opportunity to grab his shirt collar and yank his head further down to my level to look him in eyes. It was a good thing he was surprised, because I was well aware that with his wits about him he could easily break my hold right now, it wasn't a very strong one.
"Gilbert, do you know how much I would suffer if I threw you out in the snow with your annoying little bird and left you to die in the frozen wilderness?" I asked quietly, my face inches from his and my blue bespectacled eyes boring into his red ones.
"Er... how much?"
"Not at all."
Prussia frowned as this and pulled himself upward. I released him so he was uninhibited from standing upright again, but I stayed in the same location, my hands on my hips and glaring up at him with a continued stream of intensity. Prussia seemed to consider me for a moment, then walked straight past me and threw himself on my bed. He looked at the ceiling. This time however, instead of turning on his stomach he peered at the pictures more closely. Well... he was in a homosexual relationship now I supposed. Oh wait. Oh god he-!
"Oh that's right; you scored with Corey last night!" I grinned, waltzing over to my bed and poking Prussia in the side. He grunted looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
"How do you know?" he asked, and I noticed his cheeks turning a little pink. Awe, he was embarrassed? Who knew Prussia could be cute.
"You told me last night, when you came home drunk, fell down the stairs, vomited on my basement floor and then begged me to kiss you goodnight," I laughed. Thinking back on it, it was kind of funny.
"Oh, that's why my back hurt this morning..." Prussia scratched his cheek, eyes returning to the ceiling. Then his fingers froze and a creepy smile was turned on me. "So, did you kiss me goodnight?"
"What?" I reared back and flushed. "Of course I didn't! I don't want to kiss you, especially last night when you were covered in sweat and vomit and beer, disgusting."
Prussia stared at me hard, his eyes narrowed. I chewed the inside of my cheek and grimaced as a grin grew on the albino's face. "HA! You totally did!" He broke into hysterical laughter that I managed to turn into a cry of pain when I slammed my fist down on his shin. As he clutched it and whined about me being a bitch, I went over to my computer chair and firmly planted myself there, still sending Prussia a dirty look. (And I mean dirty as in another glare, not dirty as in... well you know).
"You are a dick. Get out of my room. I'm writing," I looked back at the document on the screen behind me to emphasise my point.
Prussia smirked. "What, you don't want to hear all the juicy details of what I did with Corey last night?"
I paused, my eyes slowly moving back to the albino still lying on my bed. My lower lip was sucked into my mouth and I fought with myself for a bit. On the one hand, I should continue to emphasize that he should leave, both to assert the fact that I was the boss around here, this being my house and having paid for him and all... well paid for Ivan but you get the drift, and also because I really did have to work on my novel.
On the other hand... a live recounting of gay sex.
"Okay okay tell me then!" I snapped loudly, facing the Prussian with full attention. He began giving me his 'kesesese' but I would have none of that and grabbed a pencil from my desk to throw at him. I missed and hit the wall with a soft thunk and Prussia only laughed harder. "Dick! Either proceed with the recount or get out of my room! If you don't I'm grabbing my crowbar and don't think I won't wield that thing like Russia's water pipe!"
Prussia scoffed. "I doubt you've had as much practice as Russia has wielding a water pipe. But hey whatever, I want to brag. I mean, I already wrote a journal entry about it, but I can't go get it right now. Oh, and I want to borrow your computer so I can post about it in my blog too."
"We'll see," I said with raised eyebrows and a neutral expression. I waited for him to continue.
Prussia sniffed but his grin overtook him again as he started with enthusiasm. "Okay, well it was awesome, obviously, cause we started just walking to this local bar cause we wanted to start off a little drunk right? Only it was totally awesome because there was a party going down all day for some chick, I don't even know her name but everyone there was already drunk and having a good time and didn't know we weren't part of the party ne?"
I nodded absently with glazed eyes, but don't get me wrong, I was paying attention. I was just getting the mental picture into my head. I wasn't one to get off only on an act of sexual deviance alone. Atmosphere, presentation, story, these were all important parts of any Fanfiction, any story, any hentai, any yaoi I watched. If there wasn't any of that, there was no emotion behind it. Sure, watching a sexual act was exciting in and of itself to the body, but the mind needed stimulus too, doubly so when only hearing about a sexcapade rather than witnessing it firsthand.
"So we started off getting some shots and bier, I was just starting to feel a buzz but Corey was already giggling up a storm, it was really cute," Prussia beamed, eliciting a smile from me as well, "And then one girl at the party comes up and starts flirting with me, she was totally wasted. And then Corey gets all jealous and red-faced and screams at her to keep her paws off his date. And she cries about all the hot ones being fags while Corey rushes over to french me. So I took him into the bathroom and fucked him."
I had laughed at the image of Corey getting all possessive over Prussia, but now I looked at Prussia with irritation. "Come on, that's all I get? You fucked him?"
Now Prussia looked irritated as well. "Yeah, what? You want to hear about how it feels to throw a giggling drunk boy into a bathroom stall, shove his pants down and pound into him to the stench of shit and vomit?"
"Um, duh," I said with an eye roll to accent, "Though obviously with more detail than that."
Prussia stared at me for a moment. I stared back. He gave me the finger. Dick.
"Anyway, after I shoved him full of the Prussian Awesomeness that is my five meters, we left the party and decided to go get some food. There's this one little diner in town we went to, 'Grace's' I think. Anyway yeah, we went there and had some steak and more bier. It was pretty awesome I guess, but it would've been better if they'd had German bier. Oh well. Then I took Corey into the bathroom and fucked him again," the Prussian's eyes glazed at the happy memory. "I made him scream my awesome name, and we got thrown out."
"Hmph," I folded my arms. The screaming was interesting, but he seemed to be cheating me out of the details I really wanted to hear. Bastard.
"Then we went to this other bar and drank… gott I don't know, a lot. I think I might've fucked him again but I don't really remember what happened, I think we started walking again and ended up at his house, it's kind of tiny but we drank a ton more I guess and..." Prussia suddenly looked puzzled. "I guess I blacked out because the next thing I remembered was lying in my own bed with no shirt on."
"Yeah, that should be in the laundry," I sighed, assuming that he wasn't going to reveal any further details. Oh well, the camera system would be delivered soon, and then I would be able to see any further sexcapades if I could arrange for them to happen in the house.
Oh that reminded me, I had to figure out how to get my Units out of the way while they set up my surveillance system so they wouldn't know it was there. Maybe I could drive them into town and-
Wait… drive? How did…
"How did you get here if both you and Corey were falling down drunk? That doesn't make sense; Corey said he would drive you home!" I was actually pretty pissed that he would drink irresponsibly after promising me as much.
"Eh, I don't remember," Prussia shrugged, rumpling my bed sheets further from his position atop them.
"Of course not…" I muttered, resigning myself to never knowing a lot of things about Prussia's first date. What a gip.
We sat in silence for a moment before I turned back to my computer screen. "Now get out of my room."
"Hey! I told you about my date, you have to let me stay now!" Prussia's cheeks blew up in rage, to which I sent a patronizing look.
"Don't give me that, I don't have to do anything for you. You're lucky I've done as much for you as I have, considering that I didn't even order you in the first place."
"What porn's that from?" Prussia asked, suddenly pointing up at a ceiling picture of a guy chained to the floor while another guy pounded into him.
"Hmm?" I glanced at the picture and took a moment to recall the anime it was from. "Oh, I remember that one it was called… um…" I floundered, "Um… well I think I only had the Japanese version so the title was in kanji letters so I don't know how it's pronounced. But I saved it, want to see?" I asked with a smile, already going into the video file folder and the yaoi subfolder of my computer as I asked.
"Well… yeah I guess that's okay," Prussia frowned a little but still scooted up beside me at the computer. I shot him a sideways glance.
"You know, for a country that's known for grabbing vital regions and a guy who I've witnessed grab the genitals of total strangers in public, you seem strangely uncomfortable around porn," I observed, recalling his first encounters with my yaoi fixation and the disgusted looks he'd given me.
Prussia frowned. "I just… don't really like torture porn. Which you've got up there by the way," he gestured to the ceiling. Well yeah he had a point… "And I don't really like rape much either. I mean, molesting is fine obviously, especially if it's the awesome me doing the molesting, but well… hey I can be a gentleman under this awesomeness, and I have some respect for people!"
"A gentleman?" I scoffed, "I don't recall any of that behaviour from the anime. I mean sure that one time you gave Hungary your coat when you realised she was a girl, but I wonder if that's because you were afraid of sinning by touching her vital regions or something."
Suddenly, Prussia's eyes seemed to flash and he grabbed my chair, swivelling me towards him and grabbing my breasts in both hands. I squeaked. I'm not proud of that.
"Do I look afraid to you?" Prussia menaced. I tried to find my voice but only issued another squeak as he clenched my breasts tighter. It hurt. Damn it hurt. But it hurt… good you know? Oh god I'm a masochist! My cheeks were heating up. A moment like this passed before Prussia mercifully released me and stood back a little so I could catch my breath.
"I-I… you… d-don't do that you little… fuck… Prussian!" I was breathing heavily and my heart was beating rapidly. In some sense, that was rather terrifying. I had honestly felt like I couldn't move.
"I'm not really Prussian you know," Prussia said darkly. I blinked and stared at him for a moment, surprised by this shift in tone.
"I… well I suppose Prussia did dissolve but… you consider yourself German then? Weird, wouldn't have thought you'd want to give up your identity," I shook my head, but noticed Prussia's eyes darken further.
"I wasn't born in Germany, or in Prussia. I was born in a laboratory. I know the manual says I was made in Prussia but even you should realise it's only to help with the fantasy in that respect. Hell, I wasn't even really cloned from the guy you associate me with, so why the fuck should I have to be like him? And even if I am like him, do you even know what he's like? You just watched the anime but from what I can tell you didn't like the Prussia character much so wouldn't you be biased? How about you stop just assuming what I'm like because of how you interpreted that character and get to know the awesome that is me?"
I had sat glassy-eyed throughout this little speech and the gears of my mind turned rapidly in my head. Honestly I… hadn't really thought about it that much. Here and there it would come up but… well… yeah he wasn't really Prussia was he? He wasn't a nation, he was a Unit. He didn't even really go by Prussia, he was... Gilbert. I mean, so would any other clone like him but... huh. I haven't really been thinking about him as Gilbert, just Prussia.
Although... "Even if you aren't Prussia, you still look and act just like him. It'd be insane to think I wouldn't associate you. Isn't that your job anyway? To be someone's fantasy?" I asked haughtily.
"And how the fuck is that fair? What about my awesome fantasies? Those don't matter then?" Prussia said... Gilbert said? Is that even right? Geez, what did he want from me? "Mein gott, why is it so wrong to want your own identity? I want to be special damn it! I don't want a hundred others with the same face and name as I do!" The childish foot stomping at this point was enough to break my trace.
"You want to be special? Find a different reality, no one's really special anyway!" I spat, "Unless you want to evoke mass genocide on all Prussia Units in the world, you're sort of stuck. You seem good with yourself as you are and with good reason, you're a hot guy with a cute boyfriend. So be happy with who you are and stop caring if other people are like you!"
Prussia glared. "Yeah, and what happens if Corey ever sees another Prussia Unit and thinks it's me? Knowing me, the other Unit would probably go along with it and have sex with him, I won't know... if he found out I was a clone, what if just decides to order one of his own that has to obey his commands? Or else... gott. You don't have any idea what it's like knowing that mass production of yourself is going on!"
I rubbed my forehead. So melodramatic. "Okay I'm confused, did you want to watch this porn or not? Because I was going to play it, and-"
"Did you even listen to my awesome speech just now?"
"And you don't seem very into it. I mean if not that's fine but you should probably get out of my room then. I do have work." I... wasn't precisely ignoring him. I realised he was upset, but between being annoying, having a conceited problem and grabbing my breasts about a minute ago, I wasn't really sympathising with him very well right now.
Oh hey that reminded me...
"And by the way, you call me Mom right? So what the hell are you doing grabbing my tender chesticles? I don't do incest."
Prussia snorted, his mood seeming to lift a bit. "So we are related now?"
"What? No! Just... stop calling me mom! And get out!" I shouted, looking away fiercely.
"If you don't want to be called Mom, why don't you tell me your name? Dumbass," Prussia folded his arms. I paused. Well... yeah, why didn't I just tell him my name? This was kind of stupid never introducing myself.
"Fine, whatever, my name's-"
"MOTHER RUSSIA!" the bedroom door burst open and Little Russia ran past my dogs, who whimpered and ran out of the door when he entered, and leapt into my lap, throwing his arms around my neck. Prussia scowled.
"AH! W-what?" I stammered as the little Russian giggled wildly into my ear.
"There are some men at the door with packages and they say they are for you!"
"Oh, something must've been delivered. I hope it's your bedroom furniture," I sighed, grabbing Little Russia more firmly so I could stand and carry him. I dropped him on my bed and left the room, heading for my front door. In the kitchen I passed China and Panda-aru.
"Oh, feeling better-aru? Someone is at the door for you," China said, pointing.
"Thank you I know," I said, not looking at China to also avoid the dark gaze of Panda-san, because that thing was still horrifying, seriously.
As Little Russia had said, at the door were a couple of guys (one blond, one a red head) in jeans and t-shirts with a bunch of packages at their feet. They were looking around my front hall, but their eyes snapped to me as I entered.
"Alright, what've you got for me?" I asked with a smirk. Hopefully it was something good.
"Yes, you ordered a surveillance camera installation?" the red head asked, looking hopeful.
"Oh! Yes, I did!" my eyes lit up for a moment. In that moment visions of live streaming yaoi action danced tantalizingly before me. Then I froze. China, Prussia, Little Russia and a giant Panda were still in the house. Oh dear. "Um... hey could you guys just stay here for a really short while?"
"Um... I guess so," the blond said with a shrug. I supposed they were not paid extra for speed then. With a nod I darted into the kitchen.
"Hey China!" I say quickly.
"You may call me Yao, aru!" China said with a pretty smile. I smiled back a little, but that fled when Panda-aru turned his monstrous head so I had to look away quickly as I told them to come with me for a minute. I ran back to my room followed by the Chinese man and his bear.
Prussia and Little Russia were at my desk watching porn.
Little Russia. Oh fuck no. I winced as he turned to look at me wide eyed. Then his eyes shifted to China.
"China! When I am powerful, I will play with you like these men, da?" he said, pointing to the screen on which a man was, as I mentioned, chained to the floor while another man took him rather harshly from behind.
"AH! N-NO ARU!" China screamed, rushing over and smashing my monitor screen.
Oh you heard me.
SMASHED. MY. MONITER.
"DEATH! DEATH! DEATH! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!" I screamed the loudest I ever have, I swear. That's where I worked. That's where I watched pornography. That's where I read Fanfiction. That's where I ordered things and downloaded Japanese anime.
Now it was smashed. Well, the monitor anyway. And I would have to go into town to get a new one because it was my monitor that I ordered things with.
China will die.
DIE.
I was still screaming and thrashing with fires blazing in my eyes as I worked to decimate the Asian Unit. However, this was difficult with Little Ivan clinging to my legs, Panda-aru grabbing me around the stomach (in a calmer mindset I would've freaked out at this) and Prussia holding down my arms. But even then it was a struggle for them.
"Ah, ah, I'm sorry, aru!" China said quickly, looking quite terrified at my rage. Well good! He destroyed my monitor, the bastard!
"Okay. This is what I'm going to do," I said quietly. I had stopped struggling and the three holding me loosened their holds ever so slightly. "I will give China some money. He will take all of you Units... you should probably bring Gilbird as well, come to think of it. And you will all go into town and find me a new monitor. It must be at least as big as this one. If you do not succeed, I'm kicking you out. China is in charge since this is his fault and therefore will be responsible for whatever trouble the rest of you get into."
"B-but that's not fair-aru!" China wailed, "I can't help it if... if you can't keep your pornography away from Vanya!" suddenly the Asian glared. "You should not be allowing young children to see things like that-aru!"
"Oh, but I like it..." Little Russia said wistfully, looking up at the ceiling. China's gaze followed the child's and as his eyes widened I had a strong feeling that this would not end well.
"Wha-wha-WHAT IS THIS PLACE?" China gasped, forgetting his trademark –aru. He seemed to be having a mental breakdown. Great.
"Porn mansion. Now everyone, get out of here," I said deadpan. I noticed Prussia was seething. Wonderful.
"Why is China in charge? I've been here the longest, so I should be in charge! Not only that, I'm the oldest!" the albino protested. All valid points. Unfortunately I had a valid point of my own.
"Indeed, but leaving you in charge of Ivan would be like leaving a weasel in charge of a henhouse. Just not a good idea. And as I said, China broke it, therefore he is in charge of replacement. He's just lucky I won't make him pay me back for it. This time." I shot China a dark look.
"I have a question," a scarily human voice came from the direction I was making a point not to look in.
"Um... y-yes?" I asked as calmly as possible.
"Why do you want all of us out of the house?" Panda-san asked.
"None of your business!" I said quickly. Four sets of eyes bored in on me. "F-fine! I just want some me-time okay? God, with you guys running around I get no time to myself these days! Now go!"
"Fine-aru!" China said, sniffing loudly. Apparently I'd driven him close to tears. Good for me. "But you have to take your porn down from the ceiling!"
I stared at him. Then I began laughing manically. Panda-aru, China and Prussia shuffled back from me a little, but Little Russia was staring up in what looked like adoration. Well at least someone around here appreciates a good evil laugh! I used to practice all the time with my old friend Valerie- same one who deemed creepy children more terrifying then any given Saw movie. (While her laugh was always more the traditional deep 'mwah ha ha' mine was more of a deranged cackle.) It was nice to have a good opportunity to use my well-honed skills.
Wiping away a tear, I looked at China with a smile devoid of mirth. "That's not happening."
"Th-then I'm not going-aru! As his appointed guardian, I do not approve of Vanya being subjected to this debauchery-aru!" China protested angrily. I was about to argue further when it occurred to me that the camera-set-up-guys were still in the front hall.
Well... if it had to be done, it had to be done. I needed to get them out of the house, fast.
"Fine! I'll take them down, just get me my monitor! Happy?" I hissed. China frowned, but nodded. "Good. Oh... oh wait... none of you can drive, can you?"
"I can drive," Panda-aru offered. I shivered, imagining a cop car going by to see a giant panda in the driver's seat. Even if he assumed it was a costume, I think there are laws against wearing suits like that while driving since normally they would restrict vision.
"I'll call a cab. You guys go wait at the end of the driveway. P-Panda-aru will not speak while you're out because Lord knows we would prefer people thinking he was a crazy guy in a Panda suit rather than a talking animal. China, instead of cash I'll give you my credit card but I will track it later, and if you've paid for anything besides my monitor and the cab fare, you'd better have a damn good reason." I reached into my pocket, pulled out my wallet and handed my VISA to the Asian. He looked at it uncertainly, but finally nodded.
"Alright but make sure to take down those pictures-aru!" China said stiffly before leading the procession of Units out of my room. I followed them to the kitchen, watching as Prussia went to the basement to retrieve Gilbird, and then to the front hall where they pulled on coats and boots and left via the front door. When I was sure they were heading to the end of the driveway, I grabbed the phone and called for a cab to pick them up and take them to Wal-Mart because, well, they had monitors there right? I knew they had TVs at least...
I looked at the camera guys who were at the moment eating a couple of sandwiches. They thought it was break time? Wrong.
"ALRIGHT!" I yelled and both men jerked upright from their seats on the floor.
"Uh... you're done?" the blonde asked, blinking.
"You bet I am!" I laughed, "And now we're going to set up hidden cameras freaking EVERYWHERE, with a remote link so I can log on under a password and view any of them from my personal computer. Ready?"
"Let's do it," the red head nodded. I grinned gleefully and began to direct the two men. I didn't know how long it would take to set up the cameras, but hopefully we would be done long before the Units returned...
So after about three hours, the last of the cameras were set up. Every room was covered in the basement, ground and second floors, save for the master bedroom because it was filled with too much stuff to get into. I even had them in the closets. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to check if the remote link was working until China returned, but luckily one of the camera guys had a laptop in their van. With it, I added my password to the link (It was HetaliaIsMoe, in case you're wondering. I'm just so sentimental) and bid the guys adieu. They weren't too bad I supposed. They looked alright, followed orders well... they were okay guys. I smiled as I watched them get into their van and drive off. Now I had only to wait for my lovely Units to return and all would be well.
Deciding to wait in my living room since it had a large window facing the driveway, I decided that it might be a good idea to look over those manuals again. Especially Little Ivan's, since it would apply to full-size Russia as well, presumably. So I set about trying to find the manuals.
First I found Prussia's, since it was still in the kitchen where I had left it. What was not where I had left it but nearby was Ivan's manual. China's was more difficult, but after a sweep of the kitchen I realised I'd brought it to my bedroom and hadn't looked at it, so a quick trip there found it sitting on my bedside table beside my dirty dishes. I grabbed those as well and dropped them in the kitchen sink on the way back to the living room.
I checked out the window and saw nothing, so I lay on the couch face down, propped up on my elbows and a blue cushion. The second I landed, both my dogs jumped up with me. I'm not sure exactly when they entered, but I didn't mind much as Bandit cuddled up at my side and Dudley curled up on the small of my back. They were warm, it was quite nice. I do this rather a lot when I wanted a change of scenery and my eyes hurt from staring at the computer. Just coming into my living room, lying down with my dogs… it was a peaceful feeling. Relaxing, which was a feeling I'd been deprived of since Prussia entered my house. I surveyed the manuals and decided to look at China's first, since I hadn't really bothered to pay much attention earlier.
"Wait a minute," I muttered, looking over the ways to address China. "China can be called 'Panda-san'? How does that make sense?" I shook my head and continued moving my eyes down the page. Age seventeen. Oh. Oh dear. How old was Russia supposed to be? I checked his manual briefly. No age specified.
Well, um, what you don't know can't hurt right? Anyway, if I decide it's too statutory-rapist for my liking I could always just try to distract the Russian with Prussia, and myself if he wants of course although I was getting more under the impression this Unit procuring would lead more toward getting me off on homosexual sex rather than getting any sex for myself, if you know what I mean. But there's always vain hope, and I really do love Russia.
Anyway, I continued on with China's guide. However, when it listed China's items, I gave pause. I looked in the front hall. Then back at the manual. Then back at the front hall.
The crate was gone. Come to think of it, all the crates were just… gone. That was weird. Very weird. I actually shivered before coming to the conclusion that perhaps my Units had removed them when I wasn't watching. I… I'm uncertain when or why they did it, nor am I sure precisely where they would've put them but perhaps I would ask when they got back? Still though, creepy. I forced myself to go back to the guide.
Strangely, I noticed that all programming and reprogramming features for China had to do with babysitting and sex. Well, that was sort of... that just... didn't seem right now did it? It was sort of like a mail order bride. Disgusting actually. And to speak so casually of raping him it was... well I did write Fanfiction about that, read it too, but... he wasn't a robot. This seemed kind of wrong to me.
Biting my lip, I continued along, wincing when more sex or rape was mentioned. Well, perhaps it would be okay as long as he consented to Russia... but if he didn't then...
I really didn't want to think about this. Not now. I coughed a little and grabbed Prussia's manual, intending to skim it over before Russia's. Just my luck if I caught a cold I supposed as I sniffed.
My eyes lingered on the possible professions for my idiotic Prussia. I wasn't sure how much money drinking would get him, and as far as model and band mate went there wasn't much call for either in the small town. However... perhaps I could bring up that he could perhaps get a job writing for the town newsletter or, hell, perhaps any online writing group. If he wanted to try journalism he could be my guest, but he'd likely need another job as well.
Most of this manual I'd read through already, as I'd said, so I mainly skimmed the remainder. The only other thing I made some effort to remember was that if ever Prussia lost his iron cross, I was to tell him to get off his lazy ass and find it. Not that I likely would've done anything else, but it was a good thing to remember to do in case I was in a generous mood that day and offered to get him a replacement for some reason. This in mind, I moved on to Russia's.
His jobs were less than intriguing to me. Sports and drinking obviously never interested me, and bodyguard, well, perhaps if I ever decided to try and use my book writing to become famous as my publisher wants (since it would mean more money for her as well) maybe that would be useful. As it was, he would have to find monitory sources elsewhere.
Moving on to removing him from the package, I supposed I could likely convince or trick Prussia into screaming about his awesomeness again. This would lead to his rape but... rape. Again with that. Geez, I didn't care before! Why should I now? No, if Russia wanted to rape Prussia, he could go ahead. He was a dick anyway. But... well for now I supposed China would be under whatever rape protection I could provide. If Russia coaxed him into it that's fine, but there will be no raping of the Asian. And if anyone beats him, it will be myself because he did something horrible like break my monitor again. I wondered briefly if I should actually take down the pictures from my ceiling or not. If I did, I could probably put them back up when my door lock arrived. Perhaps I would then, but later. For now I continued my reading.
Hmm... Sadistic mode concerned me. I, of course, would not be so stupid as to state I preferred beer to vodka, not liking either one myself, of course. Prussia, however, likely would do something that stupid, and as the manual stated, Russia could become stuck in that mode forever and would invoke his sadism on myself and the rest of the house. This was not a happy thought at all. I would have to talk to Prussia about that.
The rest of the manual was either uninteresting, or I knew as much already (such as that he was afraid of his sister and would not eat hamburgers) so after a moment I piled up the manuals and laid my head down against the cushion, closing my eyes and feeling Dudley shift against my back.
This was quite nice. Very quiet. Very peaceful.
"MEOW"
"Damn it Coco..." I groaned, tried to bury my head further into the cushion.
"MEOW"
"Shut uuuuup..." I moaned. I was so comfortable...
"MEEEEEEOOOOOOW"
"FINE!" I screamed, causing my dogs to jump and start barking. I yelled for them to shut up and glanced out the front window where there was still nothing but snow and trees to be seen. I checked my watch. It had been nearly four hours now, what was taking so long? How much work was it to buy a monitor for a computer? What if the police had caught them or something? Jesus...
I fed my cat without paying too much attention. It occurred to me a minute later that I was worried about them.
Oh shit. I was worried about fellow human... well... I was worried about them. China, although I still was pissed at him for smashing my monitor and demanding I remove porn from my ceiling, still made a killer plate of food which I would miss if they were lying in a ditch somewhere. Obviously if Little Russia was hurt that would just... of course Units apparently healed quickly if Little Russia's dog bite was any indication, still though. And Prussia... maybe I was a little concerned. But if I was it was because I wanted to see him have sex with Corey still, as well as with grown up Russia. I had a camera system now and everything!
If Panda-aru was dead in a ditch... well I can't say I'd be so upset about that.
I shook my head fiercely and marched back to the living room to stare out at the yard. As we were approaching Christmas, it was already starting to get dark out there. Only Prussia knew anything about the town, and that wasn't much knowledge. God... what had I done? Where were they?
I had a horrid feeling gnawing at my stomach and replacing the peaceful feeling from before. God. Worry. I'd forgotten exactly what that felt like, having managed to avoid it so long by avoiding most news media and family phone calls. No news is good news they say but I knew that really, they should be back by now.
I couldn't stand just waiting here, but I had to be here in case they came back. I might've called Corey in town to ask where they were, but I didn't know his last name let alone his phone number. All I could do was wait for the police to call saying they found my credit card and a bunch of dead bodies in a dumpster. I would check my credit card information but obviously I had no computer monitor and I couldn't have a cell phone because in my teenage years my mom gave me the book Cell by Stephen King. Suffice to say, I did not wish to become a bird-like swarming zombie that bites off the ears of dogs. Not my poor puppies.
But at the moment, I wished that my Units had a cell phone because I was starting to wring my hands over this. I shivered. I needed something to take my mind off this, or make me happy... something.
I wasn't sure if this was bad judgement or inevitable since my mind was thinking of them at the time, but I ended up going upstairs into China's new designated room. Inside the various DVDs and electronics I owned were still piled in the middle of the floor, surrounded by plushies. I'd have to move those but for now I shifted through the DVDs and came up with seasons one and two of Hetalia: Axis Powers. I hurried back downstairs and peered hopefully out the ever-darkening window but there was nothing.
Feeling sick, I went to the front door and turned on the porch light. It flickered to light easily, and it occurred to me that I probably had only used it once in all the time I'd lived here, and that was because I had to meet the man who was going to appear in public for one of my pennames at a restaurant in town during the evening. That was nearly a year ago. Time flies.
I turned on the TV and popped the old DVD into the player. As the commercials that could not be skipped played on the screen (the one downside to anime DVDs, you could never skip the previews) I went to the kitchen and decided to pop myself some popcorn and grab a Pepsi. I liked Pepsi better than Coke, it tasted sweeter in my opinion. Grape Fanta was of course my favourite soda, it was like drinking a Popsicle after all, but I didn't find it went well with popcorn.
As the popcorn continued to heat, I went back to the living room, turning habitually to look out the front window, (no dice) and pressed the play-all button. Say what you want, this was the one and only anime I actually preferred the dub to the sub. I only had two objections to it. One was the scene where Italy hugs Japan and while the Japanese had Japan insinuate that Italy had to marry him to take responsibility, FUNimation only had him express how awkward the hug was for him. Far less moe if you ask me. And the other was Russia's voice. Not that I found anything wrong with it per say. It was still nice and creepy, and as voice acting goes it works with the series. But it sucked the innocent child quality right out of Russia, and that always killed me.
Still, for the most part, the dub struck me as funnier both for the accents and the additions made to the dialogue. So English it was for watching now. This said, I do love the Japanese as well, of course.
The popcorn dinged halfway through the first episode, but I didn't bother pausing as I ran to get the bag from the microwave. I'd seen it countless times before after all. When I laid myself back against the couch cushions once again to absorb myself in the peace of Hetalia-viewing, my dogs jumped up with me and began begging for my food. With a resigned sigh, I gave them each a small piece. By the second episode, Coco had leapt unto the top of the couch and was settled near my head, looking content. No clue where Kelly was, but she did tend to wander a lot and rarely sat with the rest of my pets.
As I munched the popcorn it crossed my mind that the only real food I'd eaten today was the Chinese stuff way earlier. The only reason I could think of for me not being so hungry was that my stomach was squeezing too much to feel it.
Still, I let myself be as distracted by the show as possible. Oh, I don't think I'd mentioned this yet, but the Units seem to speak with their Japanese voices, even if they're all speaking in English. It was a little strange to hear to be perfectly honest, but it did make me feel better about when Russia would arrive. Whenever that would be, I had no idea. The English voice just wasn't as awesome.
I finished the first season and they still weren't back. For the first time I wished desperately to leave the house and yet was terrified to do so at the same time. What if they called? What if they came back but couldn't get in? It was nearly 7:30pm for Christ's sake! In December, that means its pitch black out there, save from the moon reflecting off the snow. Okay... so a bit brighter than it could be. But still, this did not help alleviate my fears.
Suddenly a thought occurred to me. Jumping from my seat I hurried to the phone in the kitchen. I checked the list for recent calls.
There it was, gloriously written above my mother's name, the phone number of that Corey kid. Thank you God. No, honestly this time, thank you.
I hit the button to call and after ringing several times (I swear my blood pressure hitched with each dead ring) the line finally picked up.
"Hello?"
"Yes, er, is this Corey?" I asked with hesitation.
"Nope, I would be his friend Derek. Who is this?"
"Oh," I said with a frown, "Um, this is Pru- uh... Gilbert's landlord. He, er... he and my other tenants went to get a computer monitor in town earlier today and they've taken far longer to get back than I thought they would. Normally I wouldn't care of course, but one of the tenants is new to the area and one is a small child so I'm a bit, um, concerned. So I was hoping Corey had at least seen them today or something."
A laugh came from the other end of the phone. "Oh he's seen them alright. He's in the bedroom with Gil right now. I swear to God I've never seen as much stamina in a guy as that Prussia has!"
"Ye-aaaah..." I trailed off mid-reply. "P-Prussia?"
"I know Hetalia kiddo. Corey doesn't, but I sure do. I'm assuming he's a Unit hmm?"
"Yeah, you know about Units too, huh?" I said, feeling a bit sheepish. Then suddenly it clicks. "Wait a second, PRUSSIA'S THERE?" A wave of relief crashes over my body. "Oh thank God, what about the others?"
"Others?"
Worry was back. Oh God. "Y-yeah, he went out with three other tenants... well other Units I guess since you know about them. China, Panda-aru and Chibi Russia."
"Panda-aru?"
"China's giant panda friend. Kind of freaky looking."
"Well he didn't mention anything. He just kind of turned up at the house while I was helping Corey fix his computer and asked if Corey wanted a fuck. He seemed pretty pissed actually. Did you want to talk to him?"
"Obviously!" I huffed. No wonder they weren't back! Prussia was the only one who knew even a little about the area and he ditched them. What a wanker! Well... not a wanker if he was with Corey but... you get my point!
More laughter from the other end of the phone and footfalls were heard on tile as presumably Derek went to the bedroom. This theory was further emphasised as sounds of creaking bedsprings were heard punctuated by loud moans and a yelp or two.
No my hands! Away from breasts! Back!
"Hey Gilbert!" Derek's voice was a little distant, clearly not speaking into the receiver.
"What?" Prussia's voice was muffled, but distinctly his own.
"Your mom's on the phone!"
"NOT HIS MOM!" I yelled into the phone. More laughter. For the love of God... this is going to haunt me forever, wasn't it?
"What? Oh, shit, what time is it?" Well... at least he seemed surprised he was so late. Still though. I heard a softer reply, and assumed he was being told the time as a door was opened and Prussia's voice was suddenly much clear. "It's Yao's fault!"
"Really," I said, sounding sceptical.
"Yeah! He's the one who got all pissed off because I tried shoving Ivan in a box and told him I was shipping him back to the Motherland- I was only joking! Then he hits me with his damn wok and he was bossing me around, I'm older! And then someone thought his stupid panda was supposed to be at a children's birthday party and apparently I wasn't being helpful swearing in front of the kids and Yao screamed that he didn't need the awesome me so I left to have angry sex with Corey."
"Damn it Gilbert! Where'd you leave them? You had better FIND them RIGHT NOW and come HOME before I drive into town and possibly commit homicide!"
I heard some chirping. Apparently Gilbird was with Prussia.
"Er... it was... well they probably aren't even where I left them anymore!"
"Gilbert, get Corey and Derek to help if you must, but you had better find them if you ever want to come home again," I said in a soft, deadly voice.
"Mein gott... fine. Whatever. Bitch," Prussia sniffed.
"Remember to call when you find them, and... and be careful! It's dark, there are probably perverts out there so... so yeah," I finished lamely. There was a short silence on the other end.
"... careful huh?"
"Y-yeah," I said, my forehead furrowing, "Because, well, you're my Units right? If you want to get technical you're kind of my property. Like it or not, and I don't want you to get hurt! So just... just come home. Honestly, how does it take you six hours to find a computer monitor?"
"It's a long story."
"So I would imagine," I sighed, "Well go then, the less time wasted the better."
"Okay, er, talk to you later."
"Bye," I said, hanging up the phone. Well... Gilbert was safe at any rate. Still though... well at least someone was looking for them. I was still anxious, but it wasn't quite so bad now. Phone in hand, I popped season 2 into the DVD player and began watching again.
As I watched, I couldn't help but spend more time concentrating on China's character in the series. I would've concentrated on Prussia's as well, but he wasn't shown more than once or twice in Axis Powers. As I watched I have to admit I was recalling some old fondness for the character, which made the current lack of knowledge regarding his whereabouts even worse. And of course, Little Russia's absence wasn't helping either.
Which is all why when the phone rang during the episode where Japan, Germany and Italy asked the other countries how they celebrated Christmas, I nearly cried in utter joy as I paused the DVD and answered.
"Hello?" I asked before the other end could get a breath out.
"Hello? Is this, er, Mother Russia-aru?"
"China? Yeah, um, well no I'm not Mother Russia but I am who you think I am so-"
"I said you could call me Yao-aru, it's okay! Oh, and we... w-we... we seem to have lost Prussia-aru," I could almost hear the wince in his words.
"It's okay, he's alive, he was at Corey's house but I sent him to find you. Just stay somewhere he can find you alright? When you're all together, give me another call and come home alright? And when you do, you had better have a DAMN GOOD reason for staying out so long!"
"Eeah! Um, yes aru... I'm sorry aru!"
"Yeah, yeah, okay, bye," I said with a sigh, hanging up the phone. Thank god. They were all still alive. I could just cry.
Then the doorbell rang. My head jerked up. The hell, they couldn't possibly be back already. I got up from my seat as my dogs scampered to the door, barking their heads off as per usual.
I tugged open the door and my eyes widened. Well. This was unexpected.
"Er... hello Mr. Delivery-Person," I said blankly looking at the Unit Co man, behind him a large crate.
"Hey," he said with a smile. His eyes nearly sparkled too. How odd.
"Oh! So you brought Russia," I said suddenly in understanding. Though... I strangely wasn't feeling excited over it. I'd chalk it up to the unexpectedness and having spent the last few hours worrying over my other units.
"Nope!"
"No?" I said, eyes narrowing, "What do you mean no?"
"I mean, that we don't currently have any Russia Units in stock," he continued to smile. This smile ended when I punched him in the face. "HOLY SHIT LADY WHAT THE HELL?" he screamed, clutching his face. I grabbed his shirt, yanked him to face me fully and glared into his eyes.
"What. Is. That. Supposed. To. Mean?"
"I-it means... w-well I-I guess we could have one shipped to us from overseas, they sell English speaking models there too, I- er, i-it just costs more and-"
"Get one," I hissed.
"Er... I brought you America as a replacement! But um... I guess I c-could talk to my supervisor and... and yeah I could probably get you a Russia Unit... eventually... it might take about a month though so..." the man bit his lip.
"What's your name?" I asked suddenly.
"Huh? Oh, er, it's Wes," the guy blinked.
"Well Wes. I appreciate the thought, and as much as I like Russia/America pairings, my life is chaotic enough now without a super strong hamburger crazed moron fucking things up more. I don't want it," I said, glancing at the box.
"Well... here, at least have a look at the manual! If you don't like how it functions I'll take him back now, alright?" Wes looked at me pleadingly. I quirked an eyebrow. "Okay look, I'll admit I kind of suck at this whole delivery thing."
"Understatement, go on," I said, taking the manual but not yet looking at it.
"But I really, really need this job. My dad's sick, and my mom's already got three jobs, if I get another complaint that I fucked up a delivery I'm fired, okay? So please, I swear to god I will get you Russia just please don't tell my supervisor!"
I sucked in my cheeks and glared at him. "Then don't fuck up next time," I growled and finally looked at the manual.
It read: MATHEW WILLIAMS: User's Guide and Manual
"I thought you said this was America?" I asked, though I admit I wasn't upset by this in the slightest. After all, Canada was one of the few sane characters in Hetalia and I could do with some sanity right now.
"I- oh," Wes glanced at the manual upside down. "I guess not. Sorry."
"No don't worry, if it's Canada I'll take him. Bring him in," I said, standing back and watching Wes push the crate into the house. I helped him make it the last few inches so I could close the door faster, the cold air sucked.
"Okay, so you're good? I have to ship out, and I will get to work on Russia right away, I'm totally serious about needing this job," and he looked dead serious. Though I was unsure if he really needed it because of the reasons he stated.
"Alright, good luck with that, I'm serious that if I don't at least get a status update on where my Russia Unit might be by the end of the year I will lynch you," and I looked dead serious. Wes frowned.
"Right, well... bye then..." he said awkwardly, leaving through the front door. It seemed anti-climatic to me, but not all of life came equipped with a proper punch line. Now I looked at the crate in front of me.
Well, I was still waiting on that call saying my Units were coming home, so I decided to read over this new manual before I even thought about releasing Canada. Even if he was sane, I didn't want to be caught off guard by something as weird as Prussia's random pink apron or Panda-aru.
The first thing I noticed as I sat in the living room and looked over the first page was that he came with a Kumajiro unit. Finally! A country with a pet I found truly adorable, unlike that pesky bird and creepy panda, Kumajiro always gave me moe giggles. That was all good then.
Once again, his potential jobs all seemed a little fanciful. Hockey player? Secret Agent? Blackmailer? However, if Switzerland running an ice cream parlour was any indication, they could get normal jobs as well. And would have to soon, because I was getting a little terrified at how big the bill was going to be if I need to buy food, clothes, furniture, alcohol and whatever else was needed to run a household with five people and seven animals if I had to pay for it with my budget alone. Good god, how was I going to buy any anime merchandise at all? This just sucked.
As for getting him out of the box, that seemed like it would be easy enough. I could just sing the national anthem, or speak the very little French I remembered from grade nine and he'd be happy as a clam, nothing to it. I could of course insist he apologize for Justin Bieber because someone needs to apologize for that guy. Honestly, he's twenty six years old now and looks and sounds exactly as he did at age sixteen. I swear he's either a robot or a eunuch. But that really wouldn't be fair to Mattie, since he wasn't really the country of Canada. The national anthem it would be then.
The modes didn't seem too bad. In fact, unlocking French and MANADA might even be fun later. Much later of course, after things had calmed down around here a little. I hoped to god they would soon. I mean, today was pretty peaceful but I was starting to think I didn't want to know what happened when the other countries were out...
Ah here we go, relationships with other units.
Prussia/Canada pairings. I forgot all about those! How could I? Holy Moses... oh but Prussia has Corey so maybe he won't... unless maybe if they were drunk...
"Woah there, hold the evil cackles in for now girl," I chortled to myself and continued reading. One thing I noticed was that now I had three units who uke-d for Russia. Was I somehow collecting a harem for him? If I was then... god I'm a terrible person. I was still going to get him though, and let him sex up whoever he wanted, as long as he got consent first- that was important! No rape unless he makes them want it! Or yells surprise...
So Canada could cook well too. This was good; he could be in charge of breakfast since I didn't want Chinese three times a day. The bit about waking him up leading to pain seemed a little unexpected, but I figured I was usually asleep well past dawn anyway, and I wasn't going to wake him up for no good reason.
The FAQ was pretty standard fare. I didn't think I'd forget Canada; he was too cute for such a thing. If he wanted to make hash brownies he could go ahead as long as I or Little Ivan didn't accidently eat them. And I knew about the curl, obviously, and I'll leave the tugging of it to more seme-ing male Units thank you.
The only things that concerned me were the trouble-shooting instructions. I didn't need a tiny Canada that only spoke French, which would only be a pain and another kid to traumatize. And Cracked mode didn't sound good. Still, if I kept him happily within notice, that shouldn't be much of a problem, right?
Oh God tell me I didn't just jinx that.
Suddenly the phone rang again. My heart sped up a moment as I answered. After a quick conversation with Prussia and China yelling at each other over control of the phone and screaming that it was all the other's fault, it was announced by the voice of Panda-aru that they were coming home. I shivered and hung up. That voice was less creepy when I didn't see it coming from the panda's mouth, but imagining it was still uncomfortable to say the least.
Turning to the box at hand, I decided to start things up.
"Oh Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love, in all our sons command! With glowing hearts we see thee rise, the true north strong and free! From far and wide oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee!"
Now I have to tell you, I'm nothing that could win American Idol or Britain's Got Talent, but my voice is none too shabby; which is why it confused me when I received no response from the box.
"God keep our land, glorious and free! Oh Canada we stand on guard for thee! Oh Canada we stand on guard for thee!"
By the end, I still heard nothing from the crate.
"Well that's a bit of a sticky wicket," I mused rather Britishly.
"HEY IGGY! Is that you?" the loud response came as the lid of the crate flew up and cracked my ceiling. Again. Seriously, this must be causing structural damage at this point, one day it would cave in I swear. But that was not the issue. Oh no, the issue here was that I had not received Canada, I had received America as Wes had said originally.
Only the fucktard had GIVEN ME THE WRONG MANUAL.
So I had no idea what to expect, and not a clue what to do.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
"Oh, you're not Iggy! Are you British then? Is that why you're smacking your head off the wall like that? Arthur does that sometimes when I talk so yeah. ANYWAY, nice place you got here! Ceiling's a bit cracked though, oh hey is that SNOW outside? Looks deep too. So do you live in the Northern States? Or... hey do you live in Canada? Is that why you were singing that lame sappy song before? Weird. Hey, you're hitting your head even harder! Doesn't that hurt?"
Yes it hurt. I was hoping to knock myself unconscious again. It wasn't working. Instead I slumped into the living room and hit play on the DVD. More Hetalia. Other countries. Please God tell me why this had to happen. I only wanted some sanity.
"Oh hey... this is that show! The one with me in it! That's so cool!" America leapt onto the couch beside me and immediately had my dogs sniffing his legs. "Oh look doggies! There're so cute! Only they're not real, manly dogs like golden retrievers, kind of like old lady lap dogs. Hey, how old are you anyway? I'm nineteen myself, physically anyway. But I'm strong, I can take on anything, you can count on me grandma, cause I'M THE HERO!"
"Wh-wha-WHAT? Grandma? I'm only twenty eight!" I said indignantly, show on the screen forgotten.
"Ooooh, um..." America paused, "Mom then?"
"WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?" I screamed as the front door opened and China, Prussia, Little Russia and Panda-aru walked inside, the first two still bickering until they saw America. And by saw, I mean America jumped up and ran over to them talking at a speed I would've assumed was reserved for supersonic jets. I was hoping to rant at them myself but America seemed to have exhausted me.
"Wh-what? Slow down-aru!" China held his hands up and looking over at me with wide eyes.
"Er... America Unit... came a little while ago. They gave me the wrong manual too," I said, holding up Canada's manual and feeling rather dejected I might add.
"Why an America Unit?" Prussia asked, deciding to try to ignore the bespectacled blonde nattering away.
"Apparently it'll take longer to get Russia here than originally though, so this is some twisted form of compensation I guess. Oh, did you get my computer monitor?" I asked suddenly. China nodded and gestured to Panda-aru who was holding a box. Little Russia ran over and reached up for a hug, to which I obliged.
When he was next to my ear, he whispered, "I do not like that American pig. May I make him bleed?"
"Um, no Ivan, that's discouraged," I said, trying to laugh off my chills. Was this psycho behaviour normal or was Ivan getting corrupted by living in this house? I wondered... dear lord. "Well Panda-aru, just, um... just go put it in my room. And while you're there... you may as well take my pics off the ceiling too. Put them in a pile so I can put them away when I get there."
"Sure," Panda-aru shrugged and left. I suddenly noticed that America was poking me in the shoulder rather hard.
"Okay, what do you want?" I sighed in resignation.
"I'm hungry! Let's go to McDonalds!" America said cheerfully.
"No way. That will cost a fortune the way you eat," I grimaced.
"No prob!" America yanked out a piece of plastic and waved it in my face. I looked at it. Huh, an unlimited for lifetime supply of McDonalds food. Well that was useful.
"Not going to town tonight," I said sternly. America turned on full puppy dog eyes with tears and everything. Luckily I'd seen that episode where he suckered Japan into paying for his Christmas party enough times to resist it. "No Al, not happening."
"No faaaaaair!" America wailed, going to sulk like a child. For fuck's sake...
The rest of the evening passed in a blur. I managed to hook up my computer and couldn't help but feel weird that my ceiling was so... white. Pure looking. It seemed wrong to me. Still, a quick look into the kitchen where Prussia was poking Ivan's cheek, getting hit with a flying wok and being laughed at by America told me the surveillance system was working so that was good at least. I closed the system window and turned off the new monitor. It wasn't bad, a full three centimetres bigger than my old one. I then went on Amazondotcom and with a sigh ordered up yet another single bed. I could just forget buying any new manga or anime next year I guessed. Any at all. It was take a miracle to afford all this I swear to god...
I returned to the kitchen feeling rather dismal and announced that for the night, China should sleep in Little Russia's bed if that would be okay (he agreed readily) and America should sleep on the couch in the living room. He asked if he could use the TV. I said sure as long as it wasn't too loud. With a grin he ran to use the plasma screen and immediately found the movie Die Hard playing for the yuletide season.
According to China, the group had eaten while they were out at some point or other, so it wasn't long before Little Russia yawned widely and China scooped him up and carried him to bed. I sighed and looked at Prussia, who had brought a journal to the kitchen and was scribbling furiously until a moment ago, but at my gaze he seemed to decide to disappear to the basement once more.
A quick look at the living room saw America enjoying the last of the popcorn I'd left sitting aside and laughing loudly at each explosion. Well, as long as he was happy I supposed. I glanced at the clock and learned it was only 9pm, so when I got back to my room I actually managed to get another several pages written up before I made my way to bed at midnight, stared at the ceiling, and felt some more resentment toward China for insisting I remove my pornography. Who was he to tell me what to do? What a little bitch.
Which is of course where I am now. You're all caught up. Here I am, in a rather peaceful state, except for some resentment toward China. I suppose tomorrow I should really ask what they were doing today for all those hours. It should be somewhat interesting at least. For now, I suppose I'll just get some well earned sleep.
Why do I hear my door opening...?
"Um, hey," some shuffling of feet. I turn my head to see America shaking in the doorway, clutching a teddy bear. Where he'd found a teddy bear I couldn't say, it might've been in the crate with him I supposed.
I mumble something obscene before responding properly. "Yes, okay, what do you want?"
"Um, so, I finished Die Hard, and that was cool, but then I was changing channels and I saw A Haunting in Connecticut and I watched it because it's American and that's always cool! But now I... I..." and now he was sobbing. Shit. "Can I sleep with you so the ghosts don't get me?"
If I had the energy to scream right now I would. I really would. But I'm too drained to fight right now. "Fine. Come on then," I move over as far as my single bed would allow and America wastes no time slamming my door shut and jumping into the bed with me, pulling the covers up to his nose and cowering into my chest, clutching at my overly-large t-shirt I used as pyjamas. And now I'm frightfully aware at how pants-less I am at the moment. Shit.
"Um, hey, what's your name?" America asks suddenly, looking up with wide eyes. I realise he's still wearing his glasses.
"Idiot, don't wear those to bed, you'll break them," I mutter, snatching them from his face and folding them before setting them beside mine on the bedside table. When I turn back the Unit is asleep. What the hell, he asked a question... whatever.
Strangely, I think I'm forgetting about the bare ceiling as I fall asleep, my nose practically inhaling America's silly little fringe of Nantucket.
((Joyful Note: I feel like I took too long posting this and I'm sorry. Still though, I don't think I did too badly. 27 pages. Very nice. And America is here, so even more FUCKING INSANITY. So next chapter, I'm planning to do something of an OMAKE of the Units day out in town and what exactly took them so long anyway. Which means, NOT MY CHARACTER'S POINT OF VIEW. Nope. Not certain at this second if I'll do it all China's view, all Prussia's view, or if I'll switch it up between. Not sure if I'll detail Prussia's sexy time with Corey (if I do, rating will be bumped to M, how would people feel about that? I don't mind personally, I'll add it in if it's requested) but I hope it will be good. I'll work hard! Hope you're all happy!
... god I have a lot of little things going on here. Prussia's relationship, his frustration of being a clone, my character's problem with her dad I'm trying to build on a little, Unit Co and its shipping difficulties... damn. This is going to be one huge fucker of a story when I'm done, eh? Heh.))