I Ordered Russia Online I Didn't Get Him

by JoyHeart

I didn't bother asking what a 'unit' was. It was Ivan freaking Braginski related and damn it I wanted one! Unfortunately stupid company is stupid and did not send me what I asked for. Based on "est. 1995"'s Formerly Lollidictator manuals, here's my story. I feel unoriginal.

6. Prussia's Omake

I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.

Chapter 6: OMAKE ~ Prussia's Awesomeness is Fucking Awesome and Asians Just Can't Fucking Appreciate It

((Joyful Note: I know what you're thinking. 'WHERE WERE YOU FOR SO LONG?' Well I'll tell you. I had to write 2 essays, prepare for 2 presentations AND study for exams, plus regular school and work, plus planning my birthday party. BTW, I am now 19. Also, I know I shoved out a bunch of one shots but... THEY DONT LEAVE ME ALONE UNTIL I WRITE THEM. And, and, I have to work every bloody weekend... This time next year I will be living out on my own! Phht, I feel all old and stuff. Anyway, here we go! OMAKE HERE WE COME! Also... take note of that rating gentle lady. M. Consider that all the warning you'll ever get in this story. Even if right now it isn't as sexy as you would like... later it definitely will be.))

((Joyful Note II: It took a FECKING LONG TIME to figure out how to write this omake. I had to pick a point of view, figure out how to tell it, gah. Well I just hope it works out... APPRECIATE MY HARD WORK DAMN IT! Because writing as Prussia ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME. I mean I know that he makes the most sense to do a POV from but... god I really REALLY detest Prussia. I mean I love him as a Hetalia character in all the wackiness but... he just... I don't like him as a protagonist. Which is why he's in this story as a protagonist. I mean I NEED to give myself some foils or this will turn all wish-fulfilly Mary Suey and THAT WOULD RIP OUT MY HEART. And although this should be obvious, I will inform you that the following journal entry would have been written in German originally and if we were silly and assumed this was a factual account, we could call this a translation even with the occasional German work. So with that...))

Dec. 14, 2020 (Monday 1am because I'm way too awesomely pissed off to sleep right now)

I was so cool today! But no one else was. Well maybe Corey, and Gilbird obviously, but that's it. I swear this is completely un-awesome! How the fuck was I supposed to know that stupid Russian midget wouldn't like being held upside down over the bathtub? Sure it was full of water and had a hairdryer sitting in it (while it was plugged into the wall kesesesese) I didn't deserve a fucking wok smashed into the side of my face! I wasn't really going to drop him; I was just showing him who the awesome boss was!

Fuck this stings. Damn it. Stupid Asian... thank god I'm a Unit or else that would bruise like a motherfucker. Where the hell is Gilbird? I've got to rant about today or I'm gonna fucking explode. Well I guess I have my journal here but that isn't the same as the awesome little fluff ball. I don't know, he hasn't been around much since he figured out the vent system in the basement can get outside. I have no fucking clue how he can stand the fucking FREEZING temperature out there but then again I guess he's just awesome like that. I'd be awesome like that too if it didn't remind me of that rapist Russian who I was dangling over the tub earlier. I mean sure it was his kid self but he probably deserves it since he's so damn creepy.

Seriously, I don't know how anyone could stand that creepy piece of communist trash! He's got that weird innocent smile that he gives just before knocking you unconscious with his water pipe and then you wake up to him shoving himself inside you and giggling over it. Fucking giggling like a five year old! I swear to gott every time I hear that kid upstairs laugh I keep getting flashbacks and I just... I mean you'd want to get revenge anyway you could too right? I mean why not? It's not like I'd stand a chance getting revenge on the full grown version so you take what you can get.

But seriously, how anyone likes that un-awesome Red I'll never know. Yet for SOME reason, he's one of the number one sellers at Unit Co.! Hell, even the geeky bitch upstairs is trying her best to get him here so she can, I don't know, jump him or something. Or watch him jump me. Seriously, what the hell, why would anyone EVER want to watch that EVER? Gott what a freak... EVERYONE knows the Great Prussia should always top in any relationship!

Anyway, I GUESS I should rant about today since that's what I wanted to do anyway but I got sidetracked again by the impending RAPE that freak upstairs is planning for me. WELL MEIN GOTT WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT THAT WOULD DISTRACT ME? Gott I am way too awesome for this...

Okay so this morning I was completely hung over after my totally awesome date with Corey. Seriously, that guy is adorable, especially when his face is drenched in my cum. Kesesese... oh but I'll get into that later. So I wake up and my head's pounding for some reason my back hurts, and I hear the doorbell ring upstairs and those stupid mutts running around barking. I bury my head under the pillow and wait for it to be over but it's hard because I swear to gott you can hear every damn footstep through the ceiling like fucking tap dancing elephants or something. I mean I knew that bitch (who, yeah, has no name STILL I don't even know what the hell she's doing not mentioning it, it makes no sense AT ALL. I mean I can't help but feel like I know it just like at the back of my head since it was programmed in before shipping but I can't access it unless she fucking TELLS me) and that creepy little Russia Unit were up for a while before that but at least they were kind of quiet.

But yeah, finally the dogs shut up and I heard some mumbling voices. I knew one was the geeky bitch. I groaned and pulled the blankets over my awesome head and hoped to Gott it wasn't Russia being delivered because that sure as hell wouldn't help my headache. I think that was when I noticed I wasn't wearing a shirt and I started wondering how I ended up in bed at all. The last thing I remembered was stumbling into Corey's house while making out and a couple of things before that... things got fuzzy at some point...

Oh right, and then there was this un-awesome scraping noise that I swear split my head in half and I guess that was probably the crate because ten minutes later there was a loud thud, voices, and then a really loud screaming over something being cute which was obviously that stupid Asian with how he kept ending his sentences with that dumb 'aru' noise.

After a while of listening to that, I got pissed off and jumped out of bed (and if I slid on a stray shirt and landed on my ass I totally meant to do that because it's just a part of my endless awesome) I pulled on a shirt (not the one I totally definitely did not slip on) and went upstairs to tell the dumb Asian to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

When I got up to the kitchen the first thing I see is that Russian brat pulling some Pop Tarts out from a cupboard. Obviously I had no idea those were there or else they would be gone already but whatever, I grabbed the kid, threw him in the oven and was going to go all be cool and tell him that all Pop Tarts and anything else awesome was to be delivered straight to the Awesome Me on sight, but then that stupid Asian came out of nowhere and smacked me over the head with his un-awesome wok.

That's when things got totally cool because I went all Teutonic Knights on his ass and threw punches and kicks and he swung his wok and it was extremely awesome (at least from my side). I think we ended up in the living room and I heard the phone ring but I figured the bitch would get it and call me if it was Corey so I just kept beating the crap out of Yao. (Any hits he might have got on me were just lucky hits or else I let him hit me so he would think I was slightly less awesome so I could catch him off guard with something REALLY awesome, like a Super Prussia Headbutt! Kesesese)

I could see the Russian brat giggling on the couch and dropping pop tart crumbs on the cushions. I hoped the bitch would get pissed at him for once but next thing I know there she is, not even looking at the kid making a mess and only looking at me making a mess of that Asians stupid FACE. (Though I admit I'm pretty damn awesome and cool to look at so maybe I'll forgive her just this one time.)

And then I was about to dodge Yao's wok again but the bitch walks right in the middle telling us to quit fighting and obviously went right into the line of fire. Yao's face when she hit the floor was priceless! He was all "Oh no aru! Oh no aru! Is she alright aru? I didn't mean to aru!" or something like that. It was kind of annoying but his face was hilarious so whatever.

Anyway so she's out for a good ten or twenty seconds and we all just sort of look at her. I don't know what we're supposed to do, it's not like there was a class on this at Unit Co or anything. Okay maybe there was but I sure as hell don't remember it, since it probably wasn't cool or awesome enough for the awesome me to attend. But anyway, I was sure she'd wake up so I wasn't worried at all obviously, but Yao was freaking out and that Russian brat was looking all scared and weak as usual. It's weird he looks so weak as a kid when it's obvious he's got major strength when he actually tries but I guess he's just trying to lull us into a false sense of security or something. Well I'm not falling for it damn it!

So yeah the bitch wakes up finally and looks at us like we have six heads. Kesese, maybe she got a concussion and she really saw six heads. That'd be hilarious! So Mini Russia is all "OMG IS SHE OKAY I'M A PSYCHOPATH SOMEONE SHOVE ME IN A BLENDER" and Yao's all "OMG FORGIVE ME LORD AND MASTER FOR I HAVE SINNED AND STUFF WITH MY STUPID ASIAN COOKING UTENSILS" But I was super cool and told her that she was stupid for walking in front of where Yao was swinging his wok. She didn't answer or glare at me though so I guess maybe she didn't hear me or whatever.

So then she tries to sit up and falls back down again. I would've laughed but she kinda looked really pathetic and not in a good way. Then she asks for the phone and I guess she had been talking on one when she came in but I didn't really pay attention because like I care who she's talking to. Mini Russia goes and grabs it and she redials and listens for a second before apologizing about dropping the phone or something uninteresting like that so I tuned her out and started noticing that my hangover seemed beaten out of me when about ten seconds later the bitch stands up all huffy and dramatic and tells us she's going to work on her novel all day and not have us bother her. I... didn't know she was writing a novel. That's weird. Is that her job then? I thought she ran porn websites or something. Gott I never want to read whatever novels she writes. Yech.

So she storms out leaving me in the living room with those uncool losers. How lame. Then Yao looks all pissed off at me for some reason so I asked him what his damn problem was.

"So what's your directive-aru? Being an ass? Because that's what you're doing!" Which obviously I rolled my eyes to because obviously that Russian brat is one thousand times the ass I am.

So I tell him, "That bitch never gave me a directive, she didn't want me in the first place. I guess she wants my directive now to be 'let Russia rape me when he gets here' but like hell I'm letting that happen." Then Yao's eyes are suddenly huge and he starts hyperventilating and asks if I think he's supposed to get raped by Russia too. Well... I guess thinking about yeah, that's probably what's going to happen, so I say as much and Yao's eyes suddenly go all dead and we both turn to look at Mini Russia smiling up at us from the ground.

"I love you China!" is what he says in Russian. Yao picks that up too and shudders slightly before swallowing. Well good, I was glad the stupid Asian finally got why I keep trying to show the brat who was in charge.

But then he goes and says, "But even so, I am directly to be this boy's guardian-aru. If that is my job, I will not allow myself to be distracted by personal feelings. And besides-aru, he is at least much cuter like this." Then he smiled and gave Mini Russia a hug. I made an awesome retching noise and got Yao glaring at me over Mini Russia's shoulder but the brat just started giggling. Damn it, why couldn't that stupid bitch order a Unit that's actually cool? Like maybe another me... but a female me because there's no way I'm sharing a house with someone who looks identical to me! Anyway yeah, so then I take off and decide that if the bitch's gone all reclusive again and those other guys are going to be lame I might as well explore the house some more.

I've already pretty much figured out the basement. Mostly it's this big space at the bottom of the stairs full of random junk, most of it is dusty or broken like that one laptop. I tried using it even though the screen was cracked but the battery was dead and I couldn't find a power cable anywhere. I'm still looking but there's literally so much stuff you can't move without falling over something. And then from there there's about six or seven rooms branching off from it. Three of them are as full of stuff as the room at the bottom of the stairs. It's weird, because in one of the rooms I saw a bunch of Japanese stuff that actually looked pretty nice and I wondered why she didn't want them to decorate the rest of her house because it looks almost barren in the rooms she actually uses. I don't get it. But anyway, one of the rooms down there I guess is the laundry room, and she has a bathroom down there, but that's pretty full as well. I don't know why she put stuff in the bathroom since there's a room down there with nothing in it at all, but that one's furthest from the door so I guess she was too lazy to go all the way over there to dump stuff. I don't know. My room was empty too when I got here, but I've moved her old bedroom set in there now at least. It's kind of girly but at least it looks more like a room now and less like a Russian prison. And yeah, she still probably hasn't even thought about getting me a door for my room yet. Which is totally un awesome, especially if she tries moving anybody else down here because I don't need anybody touching the Great Prussia's stuff!

And I guess I know the first floor pretty well now. Like I said, it's kind of barren which is weird because it seems like it's the only floor she really uses. The front hall is kind of in the middle of the house and both staircases (one to the second floor and one to the basement) are right behind it (even though the staircase to the basement opens in from the kitchen). The front hall has a long closet, but that's pretty much it. Going in from the front door, the kitchen's on the right hand side. It's pretty small in comparison to the rest of the house I guess, it doesn't even have an island, just a string of cupboards, a dishwasher, sink, stove, microwave (the Ruski's already been introduced to that! Kesesese) and then there's a small table with two chairs off to one side. I don't know why there's two chairs since I can't see anyone being friends with that reclusive bitch but whatever.

On the left of the hall's the living room. Even that doesn't have much in it, just a big corner couch in the middle with a couple of end tables and her big screen TV. If there were some paintings or vases or something it could look nice in there, but for some reason all that stuff is stacked in the basement or maybe upstairs in some of the rooms I didn't look in. I have no fucking idea how a person can own so much stuff and have such bare walls everywhere.

Both the kitchen and living room open up to a hallway at the back of the house, and there's literally nothing in that hallway. Branching off is a little closet with some bath towels in it, a bathroom, and the tiny room she sleeps in. I think it's supposed to be a study but somehow she crammed a single bed in there beside the desk with her computer on it. And the ceiling it covered in yaoi hentai. Some of it with torture devices. Seriously, this chick could be a psychopath, which probably explains why she wants Russia so damn badly. What a freak.

Anyway, that mostly left the second floor. I'd already been up there once and seen a couple of rooms, but I figured that this was as good a time as any to check out the rest of it, since I'm just that awesome. So I climbed the stairs and was faced by another pretty much empty hallway, except for one of the bitch's cats sitting at the end of it. It was the fat calico one with the big yellow eyes. It was glaring at me from the dark end of the hall so I ran at it while growling. It ran away and I laughed because no cat is a match for the Awesome Me! Kesesesesesesese...

But anyway, I started by opening the door directly across from the stairs I hadn't bothered opening the last time. Good thing too, since I had to close it right away to stop a pile of stuff from falling on me. Seriously, how the FUCK do you fill a room that full? This packrat psychopathic... yech.

The room next to it I opened for a second before closing again. There were sunflowers freaking EVERYWHERE so I assumed that was where she was storing the Russian brat. Damn that guy, now I couldn't even look at sunflowers without thinking of that huge mass lumbering at me from nowhere and- well you know so...

Anyway! The room next to that I didn't bother with since I already knew it was full of creepy plushies and dolls so I moved on to the last room on the left hand side. I peered in and saw yet another bedroom, this one seemed mostly empty save for some boxes of what looked like clothes. I pulled one out and nearly dropped it in disgust- it was a Japanese school girl sailor suit. I mean, maybe it could be sexy on the right person, but the idea of that bitch trying it on and posing was just... urg... I mean she'd throw a fit for me saying it but that would be like seeing your mom wearing that kind of thing. Just kind of wrong. And uncool. And unawesome. A quick look at the rest of the boxes made me believe that this was where she kept her cosplays. Creepy.

Across the hall was another bedroom, this and the one next to it didn`t have much in them either, just random junk piled up. Then there was a closet with more bath towels and an upstairs bathroom. This one wasn`t full of junk like mine though. Fucking lucky Russian brat was too precious to have to clear it out himself I guess. Damn it.

Anyway, that left one room to the left of the stairs and I didn`t really expect to find anything cool or awesome in there either since I hadn`t found anything yet, but I have to admit the bitch kind of surprised me. Cause in there... well... it was cool. There were swords freaking EVERYWHERE. I swear to Gott, there were hunting knives and daggers with ornate handles and broadswords and long swords and shuriken stars and axes and samurai swords and I even saw a couple of shields and a mace... it was like a weapons factory in there! Though I guess when I went in and actually looked not many of them were good quality, I don`t think any were even sharp... but they were still pretty cool to look at.

How someone as uncool as that bitch could have a cool hobby like weapon collecting I have no idea but I guess she thought they looked pretty or something stupid like that. The Awesome Me was still bored so I went back down to my room to see if Gilbird was around. I found him sleeping on my bedpost and poked him in the side until he finally woke up. Seriously, Gilbird is awesome but he sleeps like a log. Anyway, he gives me this little glare and I guess I can't blame him because first he's awesomely cute and second I think he didn't get much sleep that night anyway but whatever I was bored and the house was full of losers except for him!

So I said, "Hey Gilbird, have a good sleep?" And Gilbird chirps that I was an asshole for waking him up. Which is completely unfair because I was only gifting him with my awesome presence and he should really be thanking me, but he's so cute when he's pissed that I was able to forgive him. This time.

"I'm bored, let's do something!" and maybe I whined but seriously that's the ONLY way to make Gilbird hang out sometimes, especially when he just woke up. He glared a bit more but finally sighed and chirped in agreement. "Awesome!" So Gilbird flew up and perched on my head as I started looking around the basement for something to do. I dug around in one of the storage rooms for a while and found a super old Battle Ship game. I guess if there's anything to be said for the geeky bitch, at least she doesn't lose game pieces since there was still all the little pegs and ships in the boxes.

"Let's play Battleship!" I told Gilbird, and he sighed again but chirped consent. We went back to my room and sat on the bed, Gilbird flying across from me as I opened his Battleship station for him. He began grabbing ships with his beak to set up while I concocted a super awesome battle strategy of my own. Sure, some people would say it was cheating to move your ships around whenever the opponent was going to hit one, but I'm awesome enough to know that any strategy is good, even 'cheating' ones, as long as you don't get caught doing it!

So after beating Gilbird three times in a row he got all huffy and refused to play anymore, which I don't get because I only did about a quarter of my victory dance both times because I didn't want to offend him. That was kind of un-awesome of him, but he was cute and fluffy, so I forgave him again. Then I was feeling kind of hungry so I decided to go get some food in the kitchen. When I was climbing the stairs I started smelling something really good and when I opened the door I saw Yao at the stove making Chinese food and mein Gott it smelled good! I had no idea where the fuck he got ingredients for it, hell they could've just burst out of his magical wok but I didn't care, that stuff looked awesome! There were noodles, bean sprouts, green onions and stir fried beef... I think Yao told me it was called 'Beef chow fun' or something weird like that, but it tasted as awesome as it looked. Not as good as wurst made by me of course! But, even if he's a stupid Asian he can at least cook.

I don't think Yao liked me just grabbing a fork and eating it out of the wok, but since he was using his wok to cook he hit me with the spoon instead so it didn't hurt that much. I did burn my tongue a little on the food I swiped though.

So I whined at him until he gave in and handed me a plate. I passed Mini Russia shovelling food in his mouth at the table and sent him an evil grin as I went to the living room. He cowered at me. That felt great, I love watching that brat freak out because of me, fucking deserves it...

Anyway I switched on the tube and started watching some awesome cartoon show about these kids and a platypus, I don't remember what it was called, but it was awesome. After about a minute the geeky bitches dogs jump up on the couch with me. At least they're cute, but they're really unmanly. Dogs should be more butch, but whatever, they curled up on either side of the awesome me. (For some reason Gilbird didn't like sharing and flew off somewhere) But then I hear someone walking behind me and I turn and see this FUCKING HUGE PANDA walking behind the couch to the kitchen. And then when it GETS there, it starts telling Yao that he'd given the 'young lady' her food. By 'young lady' I guess he means the geeky bitch but... he was talking. And like, not all cute talking like Gilbird but TALKING LIKE SOME FUCKING ACTUAL GUY and that was ... fucking ... creepy. And he was in the kitchen, so I couldn`t even run by him and hide in my room from his obvious unawesome radioactive freakiness!

S-so I... now don't you dare judge me but I ran to hide in the bitch's room! I mean yeah she's fucking annoying and all but I figured if she encountered that monster and lived through it maybe her insane bitchiness would scare it away again if it came back for blood ne? Anyway, so I pretty much slam open her bedroom door and the dogs run in past me because I guess they were terrified of the huge monster panda too. (I think I dinted her wall when the door opened but she probably deserved it so whatever, I'm too awesome to care about that)

I slammed the door shut again behind me and saw the bitch staring at me from her computer chair, hugging her little black dog with the beige one at her feet. She looked kind of surprised to see me so I calmly told her that there was a giant panda in the kitchen talking. And if my voice was shaking which it DEFINITELY WASN'T I blame the mutant pandas because those should not exist. The bitch bit her lip and looked concerned so at least she wasn't a total idiot and didn't know an obvious threat to the peace when she saw one. She made some nervous laughter and agreed that he was OUTRAGOUSLY creepy, which is good because it's bad enough she won't admit Russia is a creepy bastard, if she was on the side of the panda thing too I'd think she was insane! Well, she still is insane but... more insane! Way WAY more insane!

So then she asks, "Why didn't you go hide in your own room?"

Now obviously I wasn't going to tell that bitch that I was too afraid to run past the bear to the basement stairs because the Awesome Me is not afraid of anything, and shows no weakness! But luckily I quickly came up with the fact that the bitch STILL hasn't given me a door for my bedroom.

So then I say, "I'm not going to stand at the top of the basement steps holding onto the doorknob you know, I'm too-" and the bitch CUTS ME OFF and finishes my 'awesome for that' line, which I obviously glared at her for because it's not fair that she interrupts my awesome catchphrase!

So then she says, "Well find somewhere else to hide from the mutant panda, I'm busy working. I thought I said not to bother me?" in this really annoying voice like she's trying to act all snooty or something. As if she was really working, she was probably looking up more porn or something!

But she did say not to bother her, so I decided to play it cool and distract her from kicking me out so I asked her who she was on the phone with before and mentioned that they seemed to piss her off. I cackled after saying it, but I guess maybe I was a little curious. I mean I didn't think it was anyone awesome or cool, but if they annoyed her maybe I could join forces with them and REALLY give her something to be pissed about! Because even if she's definitely not pretty, she's kind of cute when she's pissed!

And I swear to Gott if anyone reads that and tells her so she takes it the wrong way, they're going to die. I only said KIND of cute. It's like... well her cheeks puff out and her eyes go all slitty and she kind of reminds me of Gilbird when he's pissed cause he gets pretty much the same look. In fact, I probably only think it looks cute because it makes me think of Gilbird and so I was thinking of him when I look at her when she's pissed off. So there.

So she gives me a weird look for a second and then says she was talking to her mom.

So I just say, "Oh, grandma then," and she looks completely pissed and Gilbird-y again. Seriously, she's WAY too easy to piss off so I just shoot her my awesome grin as she starts ranting at me about not being my mom as if I don't KNOW that. It's just too funny to get her mad. Finally she tells me straight off to get out again so I just cross my arms in my super awesome manly way and say "no".

Then she gets all weirdly tense and is all, "What did you just say?"

Which I guess was kind of weird, but I didn't think she was going to do anything, so I just went, "I said no, what are you going to do about it?" And gave her a challenging look. So she pushes her dog off her lap and stands up, marches over to me and jabs a finger into my stomach! And yeah she's not that strong or anything but that's kind of a sensitive area and it hurt like the bitch that did it. Damn. Then she goes and grabs my shirt and makes eye contact and she's like... maybe four inches from my face and I could still smell the Chinese food on her breath, especially the onions. Totally unawesome. Though I guess if she got glasses with less geeky lenses her face wouldn't be that bad looking. Kind of spotty though. Yech. She should get some zit-cream too.

So then she says (spraying her disgusting breath on me with every word, I swear that's the only reason I didn't pull away- I was paralysed by the stink) "Gilbert, do you know how much I would suffer if I threw you out in the snow with your annoying little bird and left you to die in the frozen wilderness?" So I ask her how much and she says, "Not at all."

So that was an unawesome thing to say. I pull up and she let go but she just stood there glaring at me like I should be intimidated by this annoying reclusive chick with a stained t-shirt and an extensive porn collection. So I just walk past her and jump unto her bed to stare at her ceiling. I STILL can't believe how much yaoi she's got up there. But I guess now I get that it's not all torture porn... it's still pretty kinky up there though for the most part. I have no idea where most of them are from, but some of it just looks like fan art so it probably isn't all from X-rated anime... oh and I don't even want to talk about all the pictures of naked Russia up there because I'm trying to forget about those because they're just... erk... though I DID notice that she had NO pictures of the Awesome Me up there. Not even any of me getting raped by Russia which is what I thought she was into. Fucking bitch...

So I just staring at the ceiling and out of nowhere she suddenly starts gushing about how I scored with Corey last night and poked me in the ribs. I had no idea how she knew that, and it was kind of embarrassing to have it come out of nowhere like that while I was looking on her ceiling for naked pictures of myself so I asked how the fuck she knew that.

She gives me this little drunken smile and says, "You told me last night, when you came home drunk, fell down the stairs, vomited on my basement floor and then begged me to kiss you goodnight." Then she laughs like that's funny or something. Geez. But that explained why my back still kind of hurt and I said as much as I went back to looking at the ceiling. Then I guess I realised the rest of what she said, and seriously, she makes it WAY too easy to piss her off. I just grin at her and ask if she kissed me, and she suddenly starts blushing and rambling about how she definitely didn't. But when she stopped for a minute I could totally tell she was lying and I said as much and obviously started laughing because that was solid evidence that she totally liked me even if she kept pretending she didn't! I mean, why the hell else would she give in and kiss me just cause I asked her? I mean she was probably right that it would be disgusting since I was covered in beer and vomit at the time but yeah, I guess for a human girl it'd be impossible to resist genetic perfection right?

Of course then she got pissed at me for laughing and smashes my shin with her fist. I called her the bitch she is and she skulked over to her computer chair again glaring at me. I seriously need to get onto that computer again and put up another blog entry, and read the ones that are on there, I'll bet there aren't any other Prussia Units that have to deal with this kind of abuse. I mean it's bad enough I have to share my genetic code with all those other Units and stuff, but I don't deserve to get hit by a bitch who can't take a joke or anything...

So then she's all, "You are a dick. Get out of my room. I'm writing." But I wasn't done just yet and knew exactly what would keep me in that room as long as I wanted.

So I just smirked and said, "What, you don't want to hear all the juicy details of what I did with Corey last night?"

And she totally froze in her seat and I knew she was putty in my hands. Obviously it was disgusting that she wanted to know about my sex life but if that's what it took to get my way I was damn well going to do it!

So finally she gives in and is all, "Okay okay tell me then!" So I start laughing at her and she gets even more pissed and puffed up and throws a pencil, that totally misses me by a mile and obviously I start laughing harder because that just makes her even more pissed. Then she yammers something about grabbing a crowbar if I don't start talking, so I shrug and tell her that I wanted to brag anyway. I lied and told her I'd already written a diary entry about it but I'm going to do that in a second anyway so it won't be a lie anymore I guess. I also dropped a line to tell her I wanted to use the computer again but she gave a whole Japanese 'we'll see' line so I'm guessing that was a no. Like I said, bitch. But I did want to brag about Corey I guess because he is one seriously hot piece of ass I groped and as soon as I get online again that's the first thing I'm bragging about! Kesesese...

So I start telling her about the party at the bar we walked in on and how we started getting drunk and then this one girl who was pretty hot in this little red mini skirt came up and got all over me. I mean she was totally drunk but she starts rubbing herself on my leg and tells me that she wants my man meat. And I definitely played it cool and wasn't getting all sweaty and freaked out over it, because that would definitely be uncool! Er... but then Corey's all "PAWS OFF MY DATE!" And I knew he only freaked out that much because he was getting drunk too and his face was all cutely flushed and then he leaps over to start frenching me on the bar stool. The tramp gets all upset and ditched us, but it was pretty awesome that Corey was getting so forward.

So I didn't detail all this for the geeky bitch obviously, but Corey started rubbing his crotch on my leg, same spot the tramp had been doing it, and making these super sexy mewling sounds. Then he goes and nibbles on my ear and I could feel my pants getting tight when he whispers for me to fuck him in the bathroom. And well, who was I to argue with that? Kesesese... so I took him into the bathroom and he was giggling insanely at that point and I shoved him into the stall at the end of the row. I locked the door, got our pants down and his button up shirt was yanked open, turns out he brought a bottle of lube with him so luckily he was thinking ahead this far. So I slicked up, shoved some fingers to make way for the Awesome Me and pounded into his ass on the toilet seat so hard we probably would've been kicked out if the music in the bar wasn't louder than him screaming my name! I swear to Gott, I've never heard anything sweeter than that!

Of course all I told the bitch was that I fucked him, but she got all huffy and wanted to know the details. She argued it a bit but shut up after I gave her the finger so I could continue my awesome story.

So we left the bar to get some decent food at a diner. I had a steak and bier and then he looks over at me with this cute little mischievous glint and we both look at the bathroom and about five minutes later we were having a repeat performance in there too. He was saying that we should go all over town and fuck in every public bathroom there was but then I hit his prostate and he screamed really loud and then the diner manager sent the cook in with a spatula and he chased us out. We were yanking up our pants while running, but he was pretty fat so we outran him anyway. We kind of decided not to fuck in every bathroom in town after that since we might want to go to some places more than once. But we still went to this one other bar that was kind of seedier and we drank a lot more and then everything goes really hazy. Cause I remember him telling me he was taking me home with him and then dragging me out of the bar and up the street from it a few blocks and I think we were lost for a while and it was really late, but we managed to get to this little house that I guess was probably his, and I think we walked in the door, and I know we probably fucked some more, but then I black out and I still don't know how I got from there to my bed at the bitch's house this morning.

I also didn't know where the shirt I was wearing last night was, but the bitch told me it was in the laundry, so that was fine I guessed. I'm starting to like it even if it's cheap Walmart stuff, since Corey said I looked really hot in it. Sure he was getting seriously drunk when he said it, but I saw him checking me out earlier, so I wanted to keep it.

I look at the bitch again and she's looking pissed off and asked how I got home if me and Corey were both so smashed. Which was a stupid question since I'd just said I didn't remember getting home. I said as much and we were quiet for a second before she turns back to the computer and tells me to get out again. Which was definitely a bitch move because I'd just given her what she wanted to hear (well mostly but she doesn't need to hear about Corey's sexy face when he's cumming! His hair got all sweaty and his eyes half lidded and... yeah) So I tell her as much and she just sends me this disgustingly patronizing look, as if I'm being the immature one or something!

So she's all, "Don't give me that, I don't have to do anything for you. You're lucky I've done as much for you as I have, considering that I didn't even order you in the first place."

Which well... she doesn't have to keep reminding me of that! I know perfectly well she didn't want me and she was still being a bitch to me since SHE was the one that decided to keep me anyway! But I wasn't going to say that since that wasn't going to keep me away from the mutant pandas, so I just pointed to a random picture on the ceiling and asked what porn it was from to distract her. It worked pretty well, she floundered for the name a bit and then went on her computer to find it for me even though I could care less about porn, the real thing was way better. Though I seriously doubted this bitch ever had the real thing to compare it to. But I had to act interested or she'd keep trying to kick me out so I went over next to her to see the screen. The file folder was called 'yaoi hentai' and there looked to be a good two hundred videos in it. Yech.

Then I notice she's actually looking at me and she says, "You know, for a country that's known for grabbing vital regions and a guy who I've witnessed grab the genitals of total strangers in public, you seem strangely uncomfortable around porn."

Which is a totally stupid, I'm not uncomfortable around porn! I just... don't... well a lot of it's disgusting! So just told her most of the truth, "I just… don't really like torture porn and I don't really like rape much either. I mean, molesting is fine obviously, especially if it's the awesome me doing the molesting, but well… hey I can be a gentleman under this awesomeness, and I have some respect for people!"

Then she just scoffs and says, "A gentleman? I don't recall any of that behaviour from the anime. I mean sure that one time you gave Hungary your coat when you realised she was a girl, but I wonder if that's because you were afraid of sinning by touching her vital regions or something."

Yeah. She just had to fucking go there. Why the hell do these human fan girls, hell even the humans at Unit Co, they all seem to think I should be responsible and judged for the shit that guy did in that damn anime! I'm not the same guy who did those things! I don't have any real memory of doing those things! I had totally had enough of that, so I grabbed her chair, spun her so she was facing me, and grabbed her breasts!

... okay yeah I don't know exactly why I grabbed her breasts, I mostly meant to yell at her what I was just ranting about, I guess it was probably a programmed response... damn it.

So then I had to think about what she said again and come up with some sort of reason for grabbing her breasts so I went with, "Do I look afraid to you?" and she started blushing and looked about to hyperventilate so I let go. But, well, she deserved to feel all freaked out after saying something stupid like that!

And THEN she goes and stammers out, "I-I… you… d-don't do that you little… fuck… Prussian!"

And damn it, I was NOT in the mood to listen to that. I was... well I was mad. I was... really, really mad. And I said it, even if I knew I was breaking set character, which is totally the worst thing any Unit can do (as they told us all the fucking time at that... place), I said, "I'm not really Prussian you know."

But she obviously STILL doesn't get it and goes, "I… well I suppose Prussia did dissolve but… you consider yourself German then? Weird, wouldn't have thought you'd want to give up your identity." Which obviously gets me even more pissed because well, is she acting stupid on purpose? Seriously. NOT. COOL.

So I spelt it out for her. I wasn't born in Germany or Prussia, I was born in a FUCKING laboratory, those manuals are made to help the fantasy, and I wasn't even CLONED from the guy she's fantasizing about (well, maybe not fantasizing but at least thinking about) so she should STOP associating me with him because I'm NOT him! So she should stop judging me just because she didn't like Prussia in Hetalia because, well, I'm NOT him! I'm the awesome ME even if I'm genetically engineered and cloned to be as close to that guy as the scientists could make me, even if there's a bunch of others that look and talk and... and even probably think like me a lot of the time... they ARE NOT me! But even after I spill my guts on that she just stares at me like I grew an extra head. It wouldn't fucking surprise me if she didn't hear any of it, fucking bitch...

Then she has the nerve to tell me I was insane to think she wouldn't associate me with Prussia since I look and act like him, and then told me it was my job to be a fantasy. Well... why? Why should that be my fucking job? That's not fucking fair!

And that's what I said! I said, "And how the fuck is that fair? What about my awesome fantasies? Those don't matter then? Mein gott, why is it so wrong to want your own identity? I want to be special damn it! I don't want a hundred others with the same face and name as I do!" And maybe I stamped my foot at that, but fuck I just... it's not fair! Why should I have to deal with that? Why shouldn't I have the choice to be different? Gott... fucking... damn it...

Gott... I... I asked a guy at Unit Co about that once you know? One of the teachers and he said that... said that since I was genetically engineered I couldn't be different even if I wanted to be... and said that I should just go along with it, it would be better for it, that I was just mad because I wanted to be special, like any Prussia Unit. I don't know where the fuck he got off telling me that, how the fuck should he know why I'm mad! I didn't see any other Prussia Unit as pissed off about being a Unit as I was, I still haven't...

Then she said, "You want to be special? Find a different reality; no one's really special anyway. Unless you want to evoke mass genocide on all Prussia Units in the world, you're sort of stuck. You seem good with yourself as you are and with good reason, you're a hot guy with a cute boyfriend. So be happy with who you are and stop caring if other people are like you."

Which I guess... I guess maybe she had... some kind of point. I mean, I did like being the Awesome Me. And obviously it was great having Corey, and I knew I couldn't change things so I was the only one of me, but how could she fucking get how I was feeling? She wasn't a fucking... cookie cutter fictional character shipped out all over the world for the sick pleasures of anime fans!

So I said, "Yeah, and what happens if Corey ever sees another Prussia Unit and thinks it's me? Knowing me, the other Unit would probably go along with it and have sex with him, I won't know... if he found out I was a clone, what if just decides to order one of his own that has to obey his commands? Or else... gott. You don't have any idea what it's like knowing that mass production of yourself is going on!"

And then she just... she just rubs her forehead and asks if I wanted to watch the porn or not! I tried to force her to go back to what I'd just talked about, but she just kept on about the damn... PORN! What the hell? What the FUCKING hell? Does she have ANY idea what would happen if Unit Co employees found out that I'd talked straight up about stuff like that? I'd be seen as... defective... or something. And... and I was totally serious she just... she just doesn't fucking care. Yeah. Guess that must be it. Fucking figures. She didn't want me in the first place, and she doesn't fucking care now. Just... just fucking awesome. Well fine! If she doesn't care I'm not going to bother talking to her about this, I guess I'll tell... Gilbird. Yeah, I'll tell Gilbird sometime, if I need to. That little guy's always there for me!

Anyway, I guess the bitch managed to switch the subject pretty well when she mentioned that I was calling her Mom and still grabbing her boobs so she didn't want to do incest. I managed to snort and ask if that meant we were related now, but that made her pissed and she demanded I leave again.

But really this was all kind of stupid because the only reason I started calling her 'mom' in the first place was because she didn't tell me her actual fucking name! So I ask her for it, and just when I think finally she's going to say it already Mini Russia picks JUST THAT FUCKING SECOND to run into the room screaming "MOTHER RUSSIA" at the top of his lungs and jumps into her lap to hug her. Fucking crazy kid, and she doesn't even seem to notice he's snuggling his body into her breasts! She just gets all flushed again and asks what he's doing there. So he says there's some guys at the door with packages. For a second I hope it's a freaking door for my room, but obviously since she doesn't give a damn about me it wouldn't be that.

Actually she confirmed that by saying she hoped it was the brat's bedroom furniture. The fuck, I'd been here longer, why does he have to get priority over me? So she dumps mini Russia on the bed and leaves the room. The kid watches he leave and then turns a little creepy smile on me. Okay maybe the bitch would call that smile cute, but for me, any expression from that kid beside abject fear of me will ALWAYS be fucking creepy.

So the brat just grin at me and says, "Hello Gilbert! We can be friends today, da?"

And obviously I was about to give a resounding HELL NO but then I realised where I was. I was at a computer filled with porn, and sooner or later the bitch would be back... wouldn't hurt to corrupt the kid a bit if it pissed her off that I'd done it, ne?

So I say, "Kesesese, you know what kid? We can be friends! But only if you come and watch some erm... very special videos with me, okay?"

And Mini Russia looks ecstatic (which is code for CREEPIER THAN BEFORE) and rushes over to fling his arms around me. Luckily I have good reaction time and was able to block him and keep him at arm's length because there was NO WAY I was letting that little... thing, hug me. Ever.

So I got him sitting in the computer chair and clicked 'play' on the movie she had brought up earlier. It seemed to drop straight into the torture porn and I hoped the bitch or the stupid Asian would come in soon because it was really them I expected to annoy by doing this and the brat's excited expression was only making me uncomfortable.

Luckily it was about another minute and both Yao and the bitch ran into the room (they were followed by the mutant panda but hopefully it would control its blood lust with so many witnesses) and Mini Russia turns and stares at them before getting this shit eating little grin on his face. But I guess this once I can forgive him because he says pretty much the most perfect thing he could've said.

"China! When I am powerful, I will play with you like these men, da?" is what he said while pointing to the screen where a man was chained to the floor while another man fucked him from behind. I swear to god, the look of terror on that Asian's face was PRICELESS. Of course then he freaked out, screamed, and smashed the monitor, which pretty much fucked up the whole day. Of course right THEN I thought it was pretty damn hilarious as the bitch started screaming at the Asian and threatening to kill him. Or was at least screaming 'DIE' over and over. But it would be bad if she actually killed the guy, since he made good food and all, so I rushed forward with the brat and mutant panda to hold her back from leaping on the guy. I had her arms, the brat had her legs (since it was all that midget could reach, kesesese) and the mutant panda was grabbing her around the waist. But even then it was hard to keep her from moving, so I guess she must've been really mad. I don't get it, she obviously has enough money to replace the thing.

So Yao starts begging forgiveness again until the bitch calmed down enough for us to release a little. Then she announces that she's giving Yao some money all us Units are to go into town and get her a new monitor. She even told me to bring Gilbird. That was kind of suspicious actually now that I think of it but I didn't really consider that right then because then the bitch went and put that Asian in charge! I mean, I'd been here the longest, so shouldn't I be in charge? Damn it... and then Yao starts whining about being blamed and starts accusing the bitch of being a bad parent or something for letting the kid watch porn and then the kid just looks up and smiles and says he likes it and China freaks out and the bitch deadpans for us all to get out. But by this point I was fucking pissed because damn it, I should be in charge!

And I said! "Why is China in charge? I've been here the longest, so I should be in charge! Not only that, I'm the oldest!"

And then she says, "Indeed, but leaving you in charge of Ivan would be like leaving a weasel in charge of a henhouse. Just not a good idea. And as I said, China broke it, therefore he is in charge of replacement. He's just lucky I won't make him pay me back for it. This time." And then she glared at Yao, so I guess as long as this is some kind of punishment for him I would let go for now.

Then the mutant panda asked why she wanted us out of the house, which I guess was probably a good question since the bitch started freaking out when he asked. I know she said she wanted to be alone for a while but that didn't really make sense and damn it now I kind of wish I'd made her tell us. Fucking unawesome. Oh, but then Yao did the first awesome thing he's done since he got here (except for maybe cooking) and that was convincing the bitch to take the porn off the ceiling. They argued over it, but somehow Yao won out and she promised to take them down if we left. She even thought to call a cab for us. I mean, I could've driven us since even though I don't have a license I can drive on the power of pure awesome, but I didn't want to shovel the driveway again so I went with the others (Gilbird having returned his awesome feathered self to my head) and headed down to the end of the driveway to wait for the vehicle she called for us.

We probably could've waited in the house, but noooo, the bitch apparently wanted us to all freeze to death. Fucking... unawesome bitch. Okay seriously, I need to find more words to show unawesomeness. I'll work on that later.

So after waiting, I don't know, half an hour I guess in the FREEZING SNOW the taxi finally shows up. The driver looks really fucking confused as two guys, a kid, a bird and I guess what looked like a guy in a mascot costume got into his car. The awesome me secured shotgun because I'm just too awesome to sit in the back, and Yao ended up in the middle in the back because Mini Russia demanded to sit at the window and next to his beloved China. Yao looked pissed off, which was hilarious and by the time it was quarter to two we were finally dropped off at Wal-mart. I think that's where things started fucking up for us because when we got out and paid for the ride the guy drove away, and I don't think any of us knew the number for the taxi company to call him back. But we didn't think about that straight away and we walked into the store.

I noticed the greeter lady looked fucking terrified to see me and covered her breasts again. I snickered at the confused look Yao shot me. He asked why the woman looked terrified, I said it was because I grabbed her breasts, and I think that disgusted him or something because he called me a sick pervert and grabbed Mini Russia and the mutant panda's hands to drag them to the electronics section. I followed them for a while, but got bored pretty fast as Yao freaked out over not remembering how big the bitch wanted the monitor to be, so I left and went to look at other shit even though I knew I couldn't buy it because it was better than dealing with all the weird looks people were giving the mutant panda and the guys were with him. (Seriously, like, six kids ran up and hugged that thing... god are ALL kids nutcases?)

So I'm looking at some awesome hot wheels cars with Gilbird in the toys section and I hear this weird gasp from beside me, and I turn and see this blond chick with green eyes staring at me. At first that creeped me out but then I realised she probably just recognized from Hetalia, so it really shouldn't be a big deal. I also saw she was wearing that uncool Walmart vest, so she worked here.

"Um, a-are you Prussia? Th-the same one that was in here the other day?" she manages to squeak that out, so I guess she just likes stating the obvious.

So I roll my eyes (since there's no point grabbing the breasts that weren't there, chick was FLAT) and say, "Yeah, what's it to you?"

The chick then starts blushing and looking away and... well I guess she was pretty cute, even if she was flat. After a minute like that she finally says, "O-oh. Um, I was just... confirming..." and then she scurries off at top speed. I thought it was kind of dumb, if she wanted an autograph she should've just said so! Also I went to go look at the racing bikes and saw the same chick talking into a cell phone really fast. She saw me looking and ran away, which I admit was starting to piss me off. She was lucky Gilbird was asleep or it would've pissed him off too, and when Gilbird's pissed you don't want to see him. Even if he's awesomely cute.

Finally I decided to go back and see if Yao had gotten a monitor when I saw five adolescent girls watching me from the cosmetics department. I saw the green eyed chick pointing toward me with a shaky finger, and... gott that scream was loud.

So yeah, I was running through the store as fast as possible with a herd of jail bait chasing me. They were chanting things like, "GRAB MY BREASTS!" and "YOU'RE SO AWESOME!" Obviously when I realised I was running from my adoring fans I stopped and let them catch me.

Yeah... that was kind of dumb. In an awesome way. Cause I got to grope a lot of girls, and they were rubbing against me and hugging me, but when they pulled back I realised Gilbird was gone. And I asked where he went. None of them said anything. I glared. They sniggered. I heard a distressed chirp.

I glared at this brunette who looked like the leader (the green eyed chick was gone, I don't know where) and told her that if they didn't cough up Gilbird in the next ten seconds they would die by Teutonic Knight Awesome. She just smiled. Then they all ran. Fucking BITCHES.

So now there was a herd of jailbait being chased by me, and they weren't fucking STOPPING. It definitely wasn't fair, they were on some super drugs since they were all faster than me... stupid teen fan girls!

I ended up chasing them past the toys again, when a hand comes out of nowhere and pulls my shirt nearly choking me to death! I turned and saw that stupid Asian glaring at me and asking where I'd gone to because he was in charge-aru, I shouldn't leave without permission-aru, whatever, I'm older than him! I mean in the actual Hetalia no he would be older but we were Units and I was definitely the oldest damn it!

So I say, "I went to look at awesome stuff and then fan girls attacked and they stole Gilbird LET ME GO." So I kicked him in the shin and ran again. Because I'm that awesome.

So now I was chasing jailbait who had stolen Gilbird while Yao chased me with his wok. No idea where mutant panda and mini Russia were and I didn't care. I had to get back Gilbird damn it! Though I guess maybe I could've cared a little when i tripped over the brat and went sprawling onto the floor. Damn kid...

He hovered over my head and says, "Hello comrade! Do you need some help?"

So I glare up at him and say, "I need to save Gilbird! What the hell are you doing getting in my way, brat?"

And he looks up at the girls who were watching and giggling a ways off and then looked back and me and said, "I will get him back for you, da? That is what friends do!"

So I stare as he runs up to the girls. They immediately start going bat shit trying to hug him and Gilbird manages to break loose and fly at me. Then Yao catches up and starts hitting me with his wok, and I go back to beating his ass like earlier... then security caught us and threw us out. We were both banned for a year. Yao was freaking out over it, as if it meant anything. I was just glad Gilbird was safe from those fans, even if his feathers were kind of bent now. After a few minutes the mutant panda came out holding mini Russia and there were followed by the five girls from earlier, plus that green eyed chick was back, but the vest was gone. Hopefully she was fired after drawing attention to the Awesome Me because NO ONE steals Gilbird! NO ONE!

So then the green eyed chick comes up to me and says, "Um, I'm sorry, Brooke is kind of... obsessive... I didn't think she'd call her friends but I wanted her to see since she already knows about Vash... sorry..."

"Um, yeah, sorry," the brunette came up with a smile that I guess was sort of sheepish. I still glared at her but she didn't seem to care. She was kind of short too. Probably a B-cup from what I felt earlier before she stole Gilbird.

Of course Yao smiles like the nicey-nice Unit he's made to be and says, "Oh, that's okay-aru! I'm sure you didn't mean it!"

Suddenly the girls start spewing out their names at us, as if I give a damn who they are.

The brunette starts by saying she's Brooke, she loves Hetalia, and wants in my pants. Too bad for her I'm not programmed to promote statutory rape, she looks only about fourteen. The tall blond with the boy cut hair and C-cups said she was Mindy and she wanted my babies. Too bad for her she looks fourteen too, and also that Units can't have kids. The girl who looked like she was Filipino or something said her name was April and wanted Yao to be her gege (I think that's Chinese for something but like I know what), and I think the fat one with the dyed red hair and earrings was Ramy or Remy or Ritzy or something weird like that that. And the ginger was Deb. Like I said, these ones all looked fourteen or something, the green eyed chick looked closer to seventeen or eighteen. She might even be legal actually. But apparently her name was Stephanie and Brooke is her step sister or half sister or cousin or... something. They were related somehow.

Gott introductions are un-awesome. So then Yao realises that if he's barred from Wal-Mart we can't get the monitor from there so he looks at the girls with this pleading look and asks them if they know anywhere else they could go to find a computer monitor. (And yeah, we probably should've just made the teenage bitches go in there again and buy it for us since it was their fault I was fighting with him anyway but we didn't think about it at the time so... yeah) Stephanie offered to drive us to the other side of town but said she had to pick up Switzerland Unit from his job first. Brooke demanded that she should go too, but there weren't enough seats in Stephanie's car (even if she was driving her mom's minivan) to hold her and so she left in misery with her bratty friends.

Thank gott for that. I didn't need Gilbird in any more danger!

So we get into Stephanie's van, the awesome me once again in shot gun (though I had to throw mini Russia out first and get hit by Yao's wok but IT WAS WORTH IT), Mini Russia sulked in the middle seat next to Yao and mutant panda was in the back. Actually it looked like Brooke could've come... kesesese, I guess her sister... cousin... relation... didn't want her coming either. We drive across the parking lot and pull up in front of the ice cream store and I... I definitely did not blush when I saw the liquor store okay! I just... I just remembered that I had to bug the bitch to buy more beer is all! When I looked in the window Corey wasn't behind the counter anyway, it was some old man with hair growing out of his ears which was disgusting.

So Stephanie jumps out of the driver's seat and goes into the store. From behind me I hear mini Russia say, "When I am big, I will toss you out of the passenger side and across the parking lot, da?" and I'm about to turn around and throttle the kid when Stephanie comes back out with Vash who looks pissed off (but I don't think he ever looks anything else so that's pretty normal then). He looks at me in the passenger side door and glares at Stephanie who gives him a harassed look and kind of pleads with him until he finally opens the car door and tells Yao to go to the back if he doesn't want his head blown off and the Asian moved pretty damn fast.

So yeah, I decided I kind of liked that Swiss guy.

So about fifteen minutes later we get to Future Shop and all I'm thinking is that Switzerland is like this big wall of neutralizing...ness because ever since he got in the car everyone had been totally quiet when before I guess we were all kind of snapping at each other. Mutant panda still hadn't said a word the whole trip by the way, at least when I was with him. Which is probably good since it would've made everyone around him FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

Oh, Future Shop is an electronics store. It was pretty cool, they had a couple of TVs as big as the one at the bitch's house and lots of video games and stuff. I have to remember to make the bitch buy some decent video games too since hers are all lame rpgs from ten years ago. She doesn't even have an up to date game system! Which is actually kind of weird since the PS5 seems to have full body motion sensor technology with expansions that allowed for realistic sound and 3D graphic displays. I would've thought she'd get something that cool but whatever, I guess it's kind of expensive at eight grand...

Oh yeah, so we go in and this time Yao practically drags me with them to look at the monitors and Mini Russia ran off to gott knows where (Yao was going to freak when he realised he was gone somewhere again). Mutant panda was being stared at again obviously and Stephanie was trying not to look concerned with the fact her unit looked ready to murder everyone that came within five feet of her. I guess his directive is probably 'bodyguard'.

Anyway so Yao's trying to figure out how much money he would be allowed to spend when he suddenly realising the brat's gone. So obviously he freaks out and starts scrambling to find him and tells the rest of us to help. I took the chance to go look at the war and zombie apocalypse games (seriously NEED Resident Evil 10, even if it's for PS4 I'm going to get that bitch to buy it for me!) and then next thing I know I hear that brat saying, "You will become one with Russia, da?"

And so I spin and send him I swear the MOTHER OF ALL GLARES because I NEVER wanted to hear that again EVER. And he just looks up at me with this little shit eating grin and I tell him that I would NEVER be one with him EVER. And then he gives this little pouty face. That stupid little psychopathic brat...

So then he actually smirks, SMIRKS, and says, "But someday I will be big and strong and you will not be able to refuse, da?"

That kid... that fucking kid... that bitch has NO FUCKING CLUE, since obviously he seems to love her but goddamn it... so I grabbed him by the jacket and ran straight into the back room of the store (probably a good thing there weren't any employees back there at the time) and shoved him into a box I saw lying around. Then I grabbed packing tape and started taping him up and the box started shaking because he's apparently claustrophobic (well GOOD) and finally I told that stupid kid I was sending him back to his goddamn mother land so I never had to look at his ugly Russian face again!

Of course apparently the mutant panda had seen me running with mini Russia and told Yao and Yao ran in after me right then and smacked me with his wok some more. But I was done with this, I mean, what the hell! Yao knows as well as I do that Russia is a creepy mother fucker and YET he tells me to freaking APOLOGIZE to him! So I told him to go fuck himself and he threatens me with his wok again. Goddamn it. I still didn't apologize though and Yao was getting really pissed that I wouldn't do what he told me but like I cared. I was older, I should be in charge. Besides, Yao was in charge as a PUNISHMENT right? So why not make it hell for him?

Anyway, so finally Yao manages to pick out a monitor and gets through paying for it so we head out of the store to Stephanie's van. But that was when the Awesome Me noticed something was wrong. I looked down. Mini Russia was toddling along. Yao was obviously there holding the computer monitor and Vash was marching silently beside his ward like normal. But somehow even with Mini Russia things seemed less creepy then before. So it finally clicked and I said, "Hey, where's mutant panda?"

And Yao's like, "Panda-aru?" he looks around and his eyes go all wide and he screams, "OH NO! WHERE IS PANDA-ARU?"

So we ran back into the store and asked random people if they saw a giant panda and if they knew where he went. Obviously everyone had seen the giant thing because you'd have to be blind not to notice an ABOMINATION OF GOTT wandering among them. But we had to ask like seven people before one of them said he was taken by their friend to be part of some indoor rock climbing kids' birthday party nearby somewhere.

So Yao gets the address and we head off to that place (I hear Vash bitching at Stephanie about having to help people she doesn't even know without even getting something out of it. I'm with him on that kind of, except he doesn't seem to realise helping the Awesome Me is always a reward in and of itself). It takes twenty minutes but we find this rock climbing place and right in the front doors we see the mutant panda standing with a bunch of kids latched onto him. Yao looked happy anyway, but I was sort of hoping he would be horribly mutilated or something when we reached him so we wouldn't have to take him home with us. I am way too awesome to share a house with that genetic freak.

So we go inside. Stephanie and Vash look a little awkward when Yao jumps and hugs his mutant panda, with Mini Russia at his heels causing the kids around the panda to back away a little. See? Even human kids know that kid is creepy! What the fuck is wrong with that psychopathic bitch at my house? Mein Gott... Anyway, so the kids back off a little and Yao's like, "PANDA-ARU NEVER SCARE ME AGAIN" and mutant panda says, "Calm down, it's okay."

And obviously everybody in that place went dead silent because... talking panda. Creepy, creepy, CREEPY talking panda.

So I look at the panda and tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP because his mutant panda ASS was scaring the kids! Then a parent gets all pissy that I swore (and not about the giant mutation in front of their kid probably filling them with radiation poisoning?) and Yao glares at me, waves his wok and tells me that he'd 'had enough of my attitude' and if I didn't start doing as I was told he going to send me home in pieces. Obviously I flipped him off, told him if he didn't need me I didn't need him, and walked out like the Awesome guy I am. I walked off down the street past some random stores and houses ranting to Gilbird on my head about how much of an asshole Yao is (because NO ONE bosses around the Great Prussia damn it!)

After a while walking I guess I... I might've gotten kind of... lost... well I think I'd been around this part of town at some point when I was out with Corey but it wasn't like I was paying attention or anything so I can't say I really knew where I was. Or how to get back. So... maybe it wasn't ... that smart... to leave when they had the only car. Damn it.

Eh, so I walked for maybe, I don't know, an hour? Hour and a half? Give or take. Anyway, I was getting hungry and I was tired and I couldn't find anything that familiar either. Plus it started snowing again and it was getting colder cause the sun was going down and finally I sort of just leaned against a building to catch my breath or something. Cause... fuck. I guess maybe I fucked up a bit. It was kind of a stupid reason to run off on my own but... well Yao was a prick! Anyway, I was stuck. I ended up sitting beside the sidewalk with my head down wondering if Yao would bother having Stephanie drive around looking for me or not.

Suddenly I see a small pair of legs and look up to see this kid who looked, I don't know, twelve? Something like that. It was a boy with kind of long brown hair and he looks at me and then pulls out a five dollar bill from his pocket. Obviously I'm going to tell him no because I don't take charity, especially from little kids! But he thrusts it at me and then takes off running through the snow so fast I lose sight of him before I can get up! So I shrug and head for the nearest store to get some food.

I end up in a convenience store and get a hot dog. Not as good as wurst by a long shot, but it was better than nothing anyway. I see a pay phone but I didn't actually remember the bitch's phone number so that was pretty much useless, even with the phone book since HA THAT'S RIGHT I STILL DIDN'T KNOW HER NAME.

So sitting in the store wouldn't help. I went back outside and started walking again, of course by then it was even darker and colder and I felt Gilbird shivering on my head. I lifted him off my hair and tucked him into my breast pocket since that should be kind of warmer and dryer at least. I didn't want my little buddy catching cold, ne?

But FINALLY I see something I recognised, it was that bar from the night before, where I went with Corey just before I sort of blacked out. So obviously I'm excited because this meant Corey's house wasn't too far! Sure it was dark and cold and snowing out, but I knew I could find my way to Corey's! But... okay but first I went into the bar and asked if the bar keep knew where Corey lived, because, well, I'm not stupid okay!

So I follow the directions and end up in front of Corey's house. Thank Gott. I was still pissed at Yao and Mini Russia and I was cold and wet and tired and well... gott I wanted a fuck. So I rang the door bell and while I waited I guess I got a good look at the outside of his house. It was pretty small, I think the whole thing would be the size of the bitch's living room, front hall and kitchen together. The roof was almost flat and the door was painted a dark blue colour. There was a white car sitting in the driveway too under the snow, so I had to assume someone was inside.

Finally the door opened and I give my best sexy smirk, only to see it wasn't Corey and instead that older guy with the glasses that I think is his boss. I didn't remember his name, and I didn't really care who he was anyway. All I knew was that he wasn't Corey and yet he was in Corey's house.

So I glared at him and asked, "Where's Corey and what the fuck are you doing in his house?"

And the guy just gives this smart ass half-smile and says, "Corey's in the living room with his pants around his ankles, want to join in?" I start screaming swear words until the bastard held up his hands and admitted he was joking and Corey was in the living room messing with his computer and the guy with the glasses was trying to help him fix it. I rolled my eyes and told the guy to get out of my fucking way, because I was going in there to have my way with Corey. That's right, I'm awesome enough to make that awesome play on words.

So I push past the glasses guy who looks kind of amused (bastard) and go straight into the living room (somehow I remembered where that is... because I'm that awesome!). I see Corey sprawled out on his ugly yellow couch reading a computer manual with headphones jammed into his ears. And... damn he looked sexy. His dark brown hair pushed back from his eyes and splayed across the couch cushion (though it'd be hotter on his bed), his eyes dark and scanning the page he was on with a glazed expression and his little pink lips twitching every once in a while (better with my lips on them, kesesese...). He has on a loose white t-shirt with a flaming skull on the front (it would look better on his bedroom floor), and some baggy jeans (see previous insert), no socks and one foot mindlessly rubbing against the other. Gott I wanted to fuck him right there, of course there had to be some random glasses guy in the house so that wasn't happening. I don't like an audience in the same room.

So I walk up to Corey, grab his manual and yank it out of his hands. His eyes suddenly go wide and he looks up at me in the most adorably gorgeous surprised expression before breaking into a huge grin.

And I smirk down at him and say, "So, want a fuck?"

Five minutes later I'm ripping off those jeans and t-shirt in his tiny bedroom while that glasses guy sat in the living room. I admired the clothes on the floor (way nicer than on his body) before turning to the kid, admiring his torso, not toned exactly but definitely in shape. Way nicer than that bitch back home, urg, not that I wanted to think of her at a time like that. And I wasn't, I just thought of it now, don't think weird thoughts!

So basically once we're both stripped I pushed him back on his single bed and shoved my tongue down his throat. I ran my hands all over his tight little body before he actually pushed me back and grabbed my cock in both hands, pumping the living shit out of it. Gott that felt good... then he started sucking me off and... DAMN that kid has a talented tongue! I have no idea where he learned that but... damn that was just...

Finally he goes and grabs some lube and I flip him down on the mattress so I can shove some fingers up his ass. It was then I noticed my jacket moving out of the corner of my eye and remembered I'd left Gilbird in my pocket. Oops. Well I wasn't going to worry about it then because I just hooked Corey's legs over my shoulders and slammed myself in up to my balls. And mein gott he was tight too, damn I'm getting hard just writing about it!

I end up grabbing Corey's dick too and stroking it until we both managed to cum (I think he lasted about twenty seconds after me, which wasn't so awesome but he seemed fine with it so...) and then we sort of laid on his bed for a little while breathing hard until he grabs me into another make out session. After that he starts rubbing me back into an erection and this time he starts riding me up there since we're both still slick from the lube. This was kind of nicer since I didn't have to do as much work, I just had to thrust up every once in a while. It was... it was fucking awesome that's what it was!

Finally I flipped him over and started thrusting in hard again and we were both getting really sweaty. I heard a phone ring but Corey waved it off and gasped out that that glasses guy... er... I think his name was Dale or Danny... Derek? I think Derek. Anyway, Corey said he would get it and then screamed when I hit his sweet spot. Kesese.

Then we hear a knock on the door and we both groan. I heard Derek yell my name, which was kind of weird since it was Corey's house.

So I shout through the door, "What?"

And he says, "Your mom's on the phone!"

I pause for a second to figure out what the fuck he's on about when I realise he means the bitch. Duh. I frowned and asked what time it was. Corey pointed to his alarm clock. 7:30pm. Shit, and we left just after noon right? Shit. The bitch was probably pissed. I jump off the bed and notice Corey roll his eyes and start jerking himself off as I open the bedroom door enough to grab the phone and dart back inside. Obviously the first thing I said was that it was all Yao's fault because it definitely was.

And all I hear from the bitch at the other end is, "Really." Sounding all fucking sceptical.

So I explain! "Yeah! He's the one who got all pissed off because I tried shoving Ivan in a box and told him I was shipping him back to the Motherland- I was only joking! Then he hits me with his damn wok and he was bossing me around, I'm older! And then someone thought his stupid panda was supposed to be at a children's birthday party and apparently I wasn't being helpful swearing in front of the kids and Yao screamed that he didn't need the awesome me so I left to have angry sex with Corey."

And she just freaking ignores all my obvious reasons and just says, "Damn it Gilbert! Where'd you leave them? You had better FIND them RIGHT NOW and come HOME before I drive into town and possibly commit homicide!"

Suddenly Gilbird manages to free himself from my jacket and flies over to me, landing in my hair and chirping that he couldn't breathe in there and passed out twice. Well... I had to answer the bitch so I'd apologize later, ne?

So I tell her that the other Units probably aren't even where I left them anymore and she says in this creepy, angry voice, "Gilbert, get Corey and Derek to help if you must, but you had better find them if you ever want to come home again."

So I just sniff and say, "Mein gott... fine. Whatever. Bitch." Because that's all she is! I mean, what the fuck, she doesn't want me, it's fucking obvious, she just wants to be sure the rest of the Units could all die for all she cared but...

But then she goes and says this: "Remember to call when you find them, and... and be careful! It's dark, there are probably perverts out there so... so yeah."

And obviously I can't say anything to that because well... she just sounded kind of... like she actually wanted me to be... like she actually cared if I was...

So the only thing I managed to choke out was, "... careful huh?"

Then she goes and clarifies it so I shouldn't worry about it now. Apparently it's because she thinks of us as 'her' units and 'her' property so she doesn't want us hurt for that reason. Damn it... then she asks how it takes six hours to find a computer monitor.

And I consider going into it right there, telling her the whole fucking story and ranting at her until she fucking stops being a bitch and realises how creepy mini Russia is and how bossy and pissy Yao is and takes my side for one goddamn second. But then I see Corey looking expectantly from the bed and sigh and just say, "It's a long story." Damn fucking straight it is.

So we said some quick goodbyes and I hung up. Corey looked at me with a raised eyebrow and I sighed and rubbed the back of my head before telling him why I came over for a fuck.

He listens to everything, shakes his head and says, "Well that sucks. So you want help looking for them?" Obviously I say yes, because it would be totally unawesome looking for those uncool loser Units by myself.

We put our clothes back on (damn it) and go and see Derek to explain why we have to go and find those losers. Of course that bastard decides he wants to come too and I end up stuck in Corey's car with him being a buzz kill in the back seat. We go back to the rock climbing place but like I told the bitch, they're not there anymore. We end up driving around for about an hour before we finally find the mutant panda standing in the window of a restaurant. I have Corey pull over so I can go meet them, and he pecks my cheek before I left. I… I didn't blush because I'm too awesome, but it was kind of weird having someone do that with that glasses dick in the backseat grinning at us like a porno. What a fucking creepy old bastard…

So I get out and Corey drives off, and I go inside the restaurant. The first thing I see is Yao running at me with his wok and thirty seconds later we're banned from another place in this town. I don't even fucking remember what happened, I think that stupid Asian gave me a concussion of something. Damn. Mini Russia hugged my legs and told me that he wouldn't lose me again but I managed to kick him off so that was fine. Apparently the mutant panda had been standing in the window specifically to flag me down if I went by, which was kind of smart I guess…

Well anyway Stephanie and Vash were still around too (Vash looking fucking pissed at that, not that I care), so she was able to drive us home. It took us about a half hour to an hour to figure out how to get back to the bitch's house but it seemed Mini Russia was paying enough attention to know somewhat. About time that brat did something useful. I spent most of the ride snapped at Yao since he was snapping at me for running off like a kid. I am not a kid damn it!

Finally we reach the bitch's house again and Stephanie leaves us at the end of the driveway. We wave goodbye and Vash moves to the passenger seat yelling that he never wants us to inconvenience them again unless we want to be shot in the face. Kesesese… what a prick.

We march up to the front door of her two story house on a lot that is seriously way too big for even that, I mean she would never be able to afford it if it wasn't out in the country like this. We get up to the door and as Yao's about to open it (the mutant panda was holding the monitor) we hear the bitch scream, "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?" Yao looks at me and asks what I did this time. I tell him to fuck off and we go inside, which is good because as I think I mentioned it was FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE.

Then out of nowhere this guy runs up and starts talking really loudly and really, really fast. I have no idea what the fuck he was trying to say, but I suddenly realised that this guy with an America Unit, from the looks of his little hair fringe, bomber jacket and glasses. Fucking weird, I knew the bitch wouldn't order an America Unit, she had to be going into debt as it was. I expect the bitch to run up and start ranting at us, but I saw her standing back from us with her arms folded and… well I guess she just looked kind of tired. I have no idea why, since I was the one who was wandering around in the cold dark for hours!

So then China tells America to slow the fuck down because we can't understand a word he's fucking saying and then he looks at the bitch. She just sighs and declares that he was an America Unit, as if we couldn't tell, and that they gave her the wrong manual. She looked kind of disappointed, so I asked why they sent her an America Unit at all. She shrugs it off, mentions that it'll take a while for Russia to get here and she was sent some compensation. Then she asks about her precious computer monitor which China points to before that little suck up of a brat runs up to the bitch for a hug. He whispers in her ear and I don't know what he said.

It was probably creepy though, since the next thing I heard was the bitch giggling nervously and saying, "Um, no Ivan, that's discouraged." If he was telling her to kill me in my sleep or… or to let him sleep with me or… fuck it better not have had anything to do with the Awesome Me at all or so help me gott…

So the bitch sends the mutant panda to put the monitor in her room and to take the porn off her ceiling which he agrees to and leaves. About fucking time. Then America starts stabbing the bitch in the shoulder with his finger and whining about McDonalds. She did manage to resist his extreme uke face when he pleaded though, which… I guess was a little impressive. She's still a bitch though, since she disappeared into her room a couple of minutes later without so much as asking me about my day. Oh well, as if I needed to rant to her or anything. Stupid…

Anyway, we end up hanging out in the kitchen for a bit, mini Russia drops his 'become one' line again so I start poking him hard on the cheek and explaining that, "I. WILL. NEVER. BE. ONE." With him. Ever. And then Yao thinks I'm hurting him again and throws his wok at me with America fucking LAUGHING! I mean seriously, what the FUCK? I'd had enough, so I grabbed the kid, ran to the bathroom with him and… well I said what happened in there. And yeah, it fucking still stings. Goddamn, I need to get a helmet at this rate, that Asian's fucking brutal…

So I run downstairs and grab my fake journal and take it upstairs to write in at the kitchen table (as if I'd write my real journal in front of those other guys! My fake one's just a bunch of insults at them anyway, so it makes me feel better. Kesesese, I must have enough for a chapter of insults on the bitch by now.) I start scribbling as the bitch comes back in and tells Yao he has to sleep with mini Ivan. Well better him than the Awesome Me! It wasn't long after that the brat and the stupid Asian went to bed, so I went back down to my room too. Gilbird was waiting down here and chirped that he was going out for a while and zoomed out before I could rant, and I was left messing around with the bitch's old junk before I took a shower and went to write this journal entry, and now I'm doing that.

Damn that took a fucking hour to write! Well it's not like I'm doing anything tomorrow so I guess I can sleep in. I hope Gilbird comes back soon, I have no idea what the fuck he's doing out in the middle of the night. Oh well, he's cute and cool and awesome, so I can forgive him.

… yeah I should probably get a Thesaurus or something.

Till next time from the Awesome Gilbert "Prussia" Beillschmidt!

((Joyful Note: Well that sucked. Only 25 pages long? Phht… I know it took a month! I know you want to lynch me! But hear me out. As I said, I had presentations to put together, exams to study for, the new semester starting up. But I also had friends to hang out with, money to make at work, a new boyfriend, first kiss, all that jazz… applying to universities as well. MY LIFE IS INCREDIBLY BUSY YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. Also, this chapter was INSANELY DIFFICULT TO WRITE FOR ME. Because Prussia is so… so… gaaaah, and I never know if I'm even writing like he would write! And since I fucking hate Prussia this whole part makes me want to kill him because he's so fucking annoying but I still wrote as him and I don't know why and… and… well. I'm glad it's over finally. It's out. And the next part should be written much faster because I can write as my comfortable OC and not as this dick head anymore. THANK YOU JESUS CHRIST. Hmm… well maybe I could try it sometime as third person limited. That might work out easier.

And if this sucked, ignoring the time it took to get it out and possible over hype, if it really sucked and I didn't perform well as Prussia, please tell me. Also, if the sex scenes sucked… well no need to tell me since when I have one viewed from my OC's POV it will be detailed much more nicely. I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. But whatever! It's up! It's done! Rejoice! I'll go work on the next chapter right straight away now! God this chapter here I… I was very tempted to just give up on it. I probably should have, it's not like it really told me anything… oh and soon I will be adding an element from another writer who based something of Lollidictator, but I won't say what until it's in here so it will be a surprise.))

AND NOW A REQUEST: Three things here to just tack onto the end:

First, I offer one free one shot with whatever prompt you want to my 100th reviewer

Second, I have chosen the first name of my OC to be revealed in a future chapter. You are free to guess five names in any given comment you make, and first person to guess the correct first name will receive a free one shot when I reveal the name. I will be revealing a clue to the name in every chapter after this in the last 'Joyful Note'.

Third, As mentioned before, the Prussia Blog in my story has entries from Prussia Units all over the world. So my request is that, be it in messaging or in the comment section, send me entries from Prussia Units! If you have a Unit story of your own, make it one tailored about what Prussia experiences in your story please, but if not just any entry is fine. I might not use all of them, actually I probably won't but… the best ones I see I will likely use and I'll credit you and will appreciate you forever and ever and ever the end.