Chapter 39

His family was safe.

Spencer leaned against the wall in Dave's upstairs hall and let out an exhale that seemed to come from the base of his spine. His family was safe. Laura was napping, finally. It seemed like she was still not entirely recovered from her ordeal, from pregnancy and childbirth and Maggie's loss and having to dry up her milk and regain enough stamina to walk, possibly through snow, since they hadn't known what was waiting for them up top. She would have made it, he knew that, but she had pushed herself hard on top of the pain of grief and now she really needed time to rest and heal. And Maggie, tiny Maggie who had fit in his hands and who had only ever cried twice in her too short life, was being safely watched over by Hotch, JJ and Alex. As much as he hadn't trusted them with his emotions for the longest time he knew in his bones that he could trust the team with his family. They would look after Maggie like she was one of their own.

His family was now safe.

He didn't feel any actual guilt over Maggie's passing. He had done everything he could to protect her and Laura, up to and including putting himself, unarmed and helpless, between them and Rudger's shotgun. He couldn't blame himself for mucking up the profile, Rudger had simply not communicated with them at all, possibly in an attempt to avoid being profiled. He couldn't blame the team, they had tried their best but Rudger and Harris were not unintelligent men, they had profiled the team and knew how to avoid them. He couldn't even blame himself for not taking the true meaning of that shotgun into consideration; the dammed thing was a prototype. He had literally taken every variable he had into account; he just hadn't had enough of them.

But his family was safe at last.

All he could do now was say good-bye. Say good-bye to little fingers that never stopped moving and fine brown curls and a little weight that had snuggled in to his chest and fell asleep in perfect trust. Say good-bye to wondering when she'd start reading or if she was a genius too. Say good-bye to wondering if she would be tall like him or elfin like her mother or somewhere in-between. Say good-bye to college and graduation and watching her change the world. Say good-bye to walking her down the aisle.

And once all those dreams were laid to rest…no, he could barely think of them now. But he could sense, just on the edges, new and brighter dreams. Dreams of walking down the aisle himself and creating a bond that would never be broken, of having the support of the people he cared about in ways he never thought he'd have. Dreams of coming home after the hard cases to warm, welcoming arms and a place that would shelter him from all the coarseness and cruelty in the world. And dreams of a swelling belly and that intense, joyful look on her face when the baby slipped free, and first words and graduations all over again.

His family was safe at last.

But before he could dream again he had to see one of them to rest.

He went downstairs, only to find Morgan and Garcia waiting. They both knew, he could tell, and he first thought 'I cannot do this. I cannot hide this for them this time'. But Garcia turned to him and the first words out of her mouth were, "You don't need to act okay for me. I bet she was beautiful."

A wave of relief washed over him. The emotions were here now, they had processed enough that he could feel them, he could wear them on his skin. Now he knew he couldn't put them away again anytime soon. "I don't think I can." He admitted. "She was." They both came over and hugged him. "Sorry I couldn't explain."

"That's okay." Morgan said. "Everything takes time. Now without making up stuff just to make us feel better is there anything you need?"

Of course the minute they asked that his brain started swirling. "Probably a lot. A funeral." Which meant he was going to a funeral. He was not showing up at his daughter's funeral in jeans and t-shirts, she deserved better. The world needed to see how much they valued her. "Something to wear to a funeral. A place to live…"

"Worry about stuff like that after the funeral." Dave counseled. "Get from here to there first."

"I can help you go get the suit." Morgan said, "Maybe a haircut."

"After." Maggie had known her father with long and shaggy hair; it didn't feel right to change that before they said good-bye.

"And I'll go get something for Laura, if she doesn't want to go out." Garcia offered.

Wait. "She needs to see a doctor." Spencer told her. "The only pre- and post-natal care she had was what I could manage with a textbook and since we're planning to have more she needs to be healthy…"

"Oh, I can totally find a doctor for her." Garcia said. "That is so not a problem."

"One who can be sensitive to everything…" There were words for the concepts in his brain, but at the moment he couldn't find them. "Maybe a midwife…"

"Not to worry, I'll find someone perfect."

"We need to stay healthy too. You know, eat healthy, I've been running…"

"You've been running?" Now that surprised Morgan.

"There was no other way to burn off energy." Spencer admitted. "Physically I feel great, well except for…" He raised his casted arm. "I want to keep it up I think."

"I'll go with you."

"And I'll make sure you two eat healthy until you find a place to live." Dave told him. "I take it she's eating for the next 'experiment', huh?"

Spencer quirked a smile, "It's still hard to talk about."

"That's all right; do what you have to, at least we're on the same page. But why all the cholesterol?"

"The human brain is born with 100 billion brain cells, and only continues to add more in most of the brain through age two. More…complicated brains don't have more cells but they have more axons. An axon, from Greek, axis, is a long, slender projection of a nerve cell, or neuron, that typically conducts electrical impulses away from the neuron's cell body. The function of the axon is to transmit information to different neurons, muscles and glands. Now myelin is an electrically insulating material that forms a layer, the myelin sheath, usually around only the axon of a neuron and is essential to its functioning. In humans, the production of myelin begins in the 14th week of fetal development, although little myelin exists in the brain at the time of birth. During infancy, myelination occurs quickly and continues through the adolescent stages of life."

By the time he finished the three others were slowly smiling. "I never thought I'd be so glad to hear another Reid lecture." Morgan said. "So what does that have to do with cholesterol?"

"Myelin is made out of cholesterol, almost entirely. While there's no guarantee that genius is genetic…"

"…she doesn't want to keep it from developing due to lack of proper building materials." Dave nodded, "Thoughtful Momma."

"Yeah, she is." Oh, that hurt, to remember how careful she had been, they had been, nurturing that slowly growing dream.

"Well we're going to do what we can to help, whatever it is." Garcia said, rubbing his shoulder.

"Thank you." They understood. They weren't laughing and teasing. They were actually there for his family like they had been before it all went south with Emily. How remarkable. Add that to the list of thing Maggie had done in less than a day, she re-built his extended family. "Thank you."