I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.

Chapter 12~ Somebody Didn't Think This One Through

((Joyful Note: I love you all. You are my reason and my life. And you are beautiful. All of you are beautiful. I'm in a wistful mood today, lord knows why. Probably because chocolate milk was on sale. Anyway, story time~))

I... didn't expect things to go this far. I thought he was over it by now but... I guess not? Well he... can't have left... forever... right? No... no he'll definitely be back. Oh! Um, you totally have no idea what's going on, do you? Right, well, it's really kind of stupid, I mean, this Corey thing should've blown over by now! But no, of COURSE not, cause that'd just be too easy. Needless to say I'm home now. God, fucking Prussia... er, n-not that this is any kind of big deal or anything. Okay! Fine! I'll explain what's going on; as usual you're all probably interested. And why the fuck not? I'm an interesting person and my life... my life is... fucking hell...

Anyway, back to where we left off last time or else I'm just going to confuse you more. That is, Hannah and I had by chance stumbled into ownership of an Italy Unit and an England Unit respectfully. Deep in my heart of hearts, I remembered that Hannah always found England hot, but I rationalized my dibs-calling on two points. Firstly, England has more common sense than Italy and is hopefully less likely to disappear randomly and be whiny. And he was hotter. With a British accent. God call me shallow, I don't care. Secondly, Hannah was married and so I was doing a service of relieving her of temptation. And she could chain Italy to a stove. Not something I could do with England.

Hannah and I were each handed a manual for our respective units. I took a moment to skim it, obviously skipping the crate delivery instructions entirely.

"So do you have your clothes with you?" I asked England looking down the list of included items that I'd yet to see.

England looked a bit surprised at being addressed rationally after my scream of 'dibs' upon seeing him. "Er, yes I do, I'll go and fetch them then, shall I?"

"That would be a good idea," I said with a nod and continued reading. Meanwhile Hannah asked Italy the same question and both he and England went back with the Anime Express manager to get whatever items they came with. I scanned down to possible jobs and was pleased to see that he could be made a waiter. At least that was a job that was possible to get in that small town. And damn straight he'd be sexy in a police man uniform! No girl, keep it together, you like Russia best, he's on his way but... okay I had to stop right there. Hannah was tugging on my arm.

"Um, okay so most of this is cute for the most part but... what's this sadistic mode? And um... h-horny mode?"

I glanced at Italy's manual under his available modes. Sure enough they were present. "Well... horny mode requires a France Unit and Sadistic requires a dead Germany or a raped Romano. You'll probably be fine since you have no other Units, right?"

"I guess." She read on, as did I. England's 'modes' were nothing I couldn't have predicted from general fandom portrayals, excepting this 'Loving' mode. Surely simply stating I liked British food wouldn't be enough I didn't think. Then again, I never had a serious problem with British food I've tried in the past. Even so, it probably meant food England himself makes and then, if he actually cooked as poorly as fans portrayed... god I was NOT eating burnt stuff and getting myself sick in order to make England 'Loving'. Whatever. Moving to relationships...

Aw HELL no! I mean I suppose I should've expected this but... DAMN USUK. Okay I know I'm making some enemies here but I SO do not support that pairing! Well, not usually. Not enough to... to have it in my house! Wait... I... SHIT! NO! I refuse; I wouldn't even want to watch that! That's just... they're supposed to be BROTHER FIGURES for Christ sake! Gah! No. Nope. I refuse. There will be NO USUK under my roof kids, I will put a stop to it I swear! Oh, but if only I had a Francis Bonnefoy... well, you can't have everything. All at once you can't, anyway.

Also, they mentioned him in a relationship with Sealand. What. The. FUCK! What is WRONG with these Unit Co people? That's worse incest than USUK, and it's pedophilia! WHY? WHY IS THIS A THING?

"Uh-oh, I don't think Ishmael will like waking up if Italy's in the bed naked with us..." Hannah said in concern. I bit my lip and nodded slightly.

"Well, um, maybe if you explained the situation really carefully, he would understand?"

"I don't know if I can explain this to Ishmael at all."

"Well he's like... he's like pet, right? Kind of at least, except he can cook."

"I guess..."

At this point England and Italy re-entered the room, each holding a suitcase with their nation-flag printed on the side. Hannah and I thanked the manager of Anime Express and wandered onto the streets of China Town. I didn't know about Hannah, but my own head was still swimming over all this. Now yet another Unit was under my care... where was he going to sleep? Damn. Okay, I had America and Prussia in the basement, China and Little Russia upstairs, Canada... Canada can... damn. Okay, we'll figure that out when we get home.

"So are we going directly to your house then?" England asked suddenly and I was startled out of my thoughts.

"Huh? Oh, no, I'm kind of a tourist. I live in a small town some hours away from here, and anyway we have to meet up with my other Units first." I replied.

"Oh," England looked a bit flustered suddenly, "Er, you have others already?"

"Ve~ Are you a tourist too? Oh, and what's your name? You're pretty!"

"Who me? Nah I live in Toronto with my hubby Ishmael. My name's Hannah!"

"Do you have other Units too?"

"Nope, just you!"

"Well we'll be very good friends, right? And eat PASTA!"

"Of course!" Well Hannah seemed to brighten up anyway. That was good. Then I noticed England was trying to recapture my attention when he poked me in the ribs.

"HEY! Don't do that!" I groaned, rubbing my side. I was tender there!

"Well then don't stop listening when someone's speaking to you! Honestly, you clearly need to learn some manners or people will start thinking-" At this point I stopped listening again. You might think I was being rude, and I'll grant you that may be part of it, but have you ever been scolded by a hot guy with a British accent? Because strangely, unlike my other Units, this one's voice was straight out of the English dub, as was Italy's voice for some reason. And the British accent kind of erased the meaning from the words and just made them sound like a lot of sexy gobbledegook as far as I was concerned.

When I came back to myself, the British Unit was kind of raging. I suppose I couldn't blame him for that. "OH SOD OFF! Listen long enough for me to ask a damn question anyway!"

I came back to myself and coughed, a tad embarrassed at my long running hypnotized state. "Um, okay, shoot."

"I asked what other Units you had!" England sounded exasperated at this point. I wondered how long he'd been raging. A quick glance over my shoulder saw Hannah and Italy talking animatedly about cute things. How like them. I smirked before answering, counting Units off on my fingers.

"Right, other Units. I've got Prussia, Russia in child form, China, America and um..." I stared at my fifth upraised finger for a second, "Oh and Canada."

"America," England rolled his eyes, "Of course. Well it's better than the frog I suppose."

"Phht, I wish! That France is-" I cut myself off at England's warning glare. That was... kind of scary. I laughed nervously. "Er, that man is an idiot! And definitely not sexy! Nope, just a total unlikable pervert!"

England scoffed as we finally cut through the crowd enough to see the plastic statue of a chibi Japanese girl that marked the outside of the ramen restaurant we had agreed to meet the Units in. I wondered briefly how to explain the presence of England and Italy, but determined ultimately that it really didn't matter in the altogether.

We opened the door to see if they were inside, and I was pleased to see that China, Little Russia and Canada at least were sitting at one of the longer tables. I waved at them and initially they all waved back, but then China looked rather alarmed and I wondered why until I saw England looking rather stiff at well. China's manual, if I was recalling correctly, mentioned some animosity between England and China. Well, um, too bad for them I guess? Anyway, we sat down at the table.

"What is he doing here-aru?" China grumbled, glaring at the Englishman.

"I just won him, apparently, so he's going to be living with us and we're all going to be civil about it," I said sharply. China scoffed and turned away and England cleared his throat a little, having the decency to look a bit abashed at least.

"Um, it's good to see you, Arthur," Canada said softly.

England turned to glare at Canada. "Oh sod off Alfred," he snapped.

"I'm Matthew..." Canada said, looking sad. England's eyes widened.

"Oh, er, sorry lad, you know I mix you both up..."

"PASTA!" Italy suddenly said in happiness upon viewing the menu.

"I believe you mean ramen, but it does use noodles," China nodded, looking at Italy with a more forgiving expression.

"So where's Prussia and America?" Hannah asked, looking around the table.

"I don't know," Canada told her, looking upset, "I lost track of them pretty fast, I hope they haven't gotten themselves into trouble..."

I grimaced. "Well if they come in here and ruin my meal by bringing a fan girl legion, I'm never taking them out shopping again. Honestly, they've found a way to wreck every stop we've made today it seems like! Well fuck them, let's just order. God, I'm going to spend more money on food then on merchandise today, what a travesty..." I bemoaned this as everyone went around placing orders for drinks and food. I got a bottle of strawberry flavoured Japanese soda, the kind with the marble stopper on top. I also got some vegetarian ramen simply for the sake of it being one of the cheaper options.

It was about halfway through our meal that the door of the ramen place was flung open to reveal Prussia and America breathing hard with huge shit-eating grins on their faces. They strutted over to the table and flung a small bag down in front of me that sounded like it was full of coins. Shooting the two a confused look I opened the bag to see it was full of coins, as well as bills, though none larger than a ten.

"Uh, what is this?" I asked dully, as the rest of the table also shot the newcomers confused looks.

"Kesesese! Dinner's on us!" Gilbert announced happily. Alfred nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, and we totally know what to do for money now!"

"What, thievery?" I muttered, wondering if maybe they pick-pocketed all this. It seemed unlikely for some reason, but I couldn't think of another explanation.

"Nope!" America laughed, loud enough for other customers around us to shoot him angry looks, "Street performing!"

"... come again?" I said, blinking and trying to process that.

"Dude, it was awesome!" America laughed as Prussia plopped down next to me on the side Hannah wasn't occupying, god knows why he chose there. "Okay so we got bored of China Town pretty fast since we couldn't buy anything and we went a couple streets over, and there was some kind of event going on, cause there were people with guitars and people dancing and whatever and people were just giving them money! Well, an event or that's just where street performers hang out, I dunno. So we were like, hey, we're awesome, we could totally do that! And then there was this one guy dancing to this old boom box but no one was looking at him. Then Gil and I take him aside, we talk a minute about what we can all dance to, and he says we can help since he's not making cash anyway. So we turn on 'Sexy Back' by Justin Timberlake, I mean I know it's old but WHO CARES and we dance like the sexy beasts we are and we RAKED IT IN!" The manager was heading over now because America was being too loud. Shit shit SHI- oh, China's cutting him off and talking in some kind of Chinese language... well hopefully he'll fix things for us.

I glanced at Prussia. "So you took his money and ran?"

Prussia glared at me and rolled his eyes. "No, he SPLIT it with us, obviously. Stealing is unawesome. Anyway, I'm counting up at least $100! Let's order some grub!"

I paused and counted the table quickly. "And you're covering everybody?"

"Yeah, no problem!" Prussia laughed.

I frowned slightly, thinking, "Well, Ivan's is going to come out to about $7 since he ordered something small, and giving the average price of $18 each for dinner and drinks... um..." I pulled a napkin toward me and borrowed a pen from Hannah to do some calculations while Prussia and America ordered. "That's like... around $150."

Prussia coughed and sputtered. "What? At BEST we just cover that!"

I nodded. "Yeah well, eight full meals plus the small plate for Ivan, so-"

"Eight?" Prussia snorted, looking a bit relieved, "You mean six."

"Uh, no," I shook my head and pointed to Italy and England. Italy waved happily and England rolled his eyes.

Prussia stared for a minute. "Oh god fucking damn it."

"Mm, well anyway, as you can see there are eight."

"YO! HEY IGGY!" America waved cheerfully. England flushed and sputtered.

"You have TWO Americas?"

"I already said, I'm Matthew..."

Hannah piped up here, "I totally don't mind paying for myself and Feli!"

"That's helpful," I nodded.

"Okay, so, six," Prussia looked relieved. "So that's less, right?"

I quickly subtracted two people from my calculation. "Yep, down to roughly $110."

Prussia leaned back in his chair and grumbled. "Still a lot."

"Well what did you expect? Anyway, you can't expect street dancing to support you back home, small towns don't really have a market for that," I said, following up by taking a good bite of noodles.

"Yeah, yeah I know," Prussia looked irritable as he counted up his money again, this time more carefully. "Huh, even if it comes out to that, we've still got almost fifty bucks! Kesesese!"

"So twenty-five each," I said, taking another bite.

"Oh, uh, yeah," Prussia frowned a little, then leaned back in his chair and sighed. "I need a job."

I snorted. "Glad you agree. We're going to work on that when we get home."

The rest of the meal passed without major incident, Prussia shelling out the money to pay for it as promised. I have to admit, it was a relief to know I didn't have to put out another $100 to feed these guys, lord knows I had to dish out enough for a second hotel room. Speaking of which, when we got back that was going to be a new fight I supposed, trying to figure out how we were going to arrange the seven of us on four beds.

At any rate, when we at last left the restaurant we ran into another snag trying to get onto the street car, as the family pass was only good for five adults and we now had seven who had to use it. Luckily I had enough change to help cover Italy and England though, so we began the long public transit journey home, the entourage having increased.

"I still don't know how to explain this to Ishmael," Hannah said after sitting on the second subway car for a few minutes.

"Erm, well," I nibbled on the inside of my lip, "Well, maybe we should come with you, you know, to tell him. So at least he knows you're telling the truth about Units?"

Hannah shook her head. "Nah, I'll figure it out. Hopefully the manual and Hetalia clips off of You Tube will be enough to convince him. I don't think just bringing your Units will help much if Italy himself doesn't."

"True enough I suppose," I said with a shrug. However when we got off the one train to make out last transfer before Hannah's stop, we noticed something a bit unusual. That being an alien leaning against a wall staring at us. A very familiar alien.

"TONY! Bro, been wondering where you went!" America laughed and ran over to the alien who nodded in acknowledgement.

Hannah stared at Tony, and then at me as Italy ran over to greet the alien as well. "Um, another Unit?"

"Yeah, I don't know if you remember that America had this alien friend named Tony..."

"Oh... OH! Right, I remember. Is it okay to have him just wandering around when he looks like that though?"

I shook my head. "Probably not, I'd hoped we could pass him off as a toy... well luckily no one seems to have noticed so far."

America hurried back to the group with Italy and Tony in tow. The alien looked up at England at this point and I noticed that he and the Brit were viewing each other in some kind of mutual loathing.

"Fucking limey," Tony said suddenly, making Arthur's frown deepen and his cheeks blaze red.

"Why you-"

"OKAY!" I stepped between them. "They'll be no fighting here! Alfred, pick this guy up, Tony, please act like a toy for a while."

"Whatever," Tony muttered in his eerie ringing little voice.

"Oh!" Hannah said suddenly as our group approached her last subway train, "Can I borrow Tony maybe, to prove to Ishmael about Units? I think a live alien might make it more convincing."

"Hm? Oh sure, sounds like a good idea," I smiled.

"I do not like the little grey man, Mother Russia," I suddenly heard from my feet and I looked down to see Little Russia looking up with a pouting expression. I sighed.

"Why not?"

"He... he called me a stupid backwards Ruski," he pouted more, "I'm not stupid..."

My eyebrows went up, "No, of course not, er, China!"

"Yao-aru," China muttered, "What?"

"Reassure Ivan, would you?"

"Why don't you do that-aru?"

"Not qualified," I said as I pushed Little Russia off toward the Asian.

"Nice parenting skills," Prussia snorted from the back of the group, "No wonder the kid's going to turn out just as creepy as he'd be if you'd gotten him full-sized."

"Shut up, asshole," I gave Prussia the finger and he stuck his tongue out at me. Stupid immature idiot. Because I am certainly not immature in any way. No, seriously, it's all him.

After some more time and quarrelling passed, we again were heading toward Hannah's apartment as I had the night before with Canada. It was tough squeezing us all into the elevator as Hannah called up to be sure Ishmael would be there. She mentioned that she was bringing some people in with her but they wouldn't be staying long. I still don't think Ishmael expected a group our size to be stumbling into his apartment, laughing and talking and arguing too loudly to hear the television.

The large black man looked up and twitched as Hannah hurried over to give him a reassuring hug.

"Hey honey, um, so, how do you feel about a roommate?"

After roughly an hour of explaining, proving, and convincing with assistance from our resident alien, Ishmael somehow was swayed to believe Hannah's tale of winning contests and purchasable fictional characters. What was the harder sell was to convince him that he should put up with Italy being kept in the house. That ended up with Prussia sitting with Ishmael and explaining that Italy was too stupid to cheat with his wife, made great food, didn't mind cleaning, and liked getting his belly scratched. Like a servant and pet dog all in one. I don't remember the belly scratching thing being in the manual.

Once Prussia had said his peace, England was quick to point out that Italy was also housebroken, but a very picky eater.

Then Alfred said he was also cute when he curled up in bed with you at night. I hit him hard for that one but the damage was done and Hannah had to work hard to calm Ishmael down from a spaz attack about the guy crawling into bed with them.

Finally Italy actually stood up for himself (previously he had been lying on the floor and taking an impromptu siesta) and told Ishmael he didn't have to worry because he knew better than to crawl into bed with people who are married to each other because Germany told him not to. Then he smiled, sang something in Italian, ate a tomato off of Hannah's counter and went to bed like an Italian. At that point, Ishmael seemed to have had enough and relented to Hannah's squeal of happiness and we were finally able to leave the apartment in peace. I was happy as fuck, because I was feeling claustrophobic with all those people in such a small space.

Still, as my Units piled out into the hallway, I had to say my goodbyes to Hannah. This time I didn't feel the hesitation due to uncertainly of hug etiquette; I wrapped my arms around my bud and squeezed her for all I was worth.

... I might've choked her just a little. People have always told me that my hugs are kind of lethal ... I don't give them often though since usually they make me feel awkward...

"You're going to call me later, right?" Hannah asked.

"You can call me too you know," I reminded her.

"Oh, right, man," she laughed a little, looking embarrassed. Then she brightened. "That's right I wanted to ask, are you going to Anime North next year?"

I blinked. That old anime convention? It's true I went to it most years between high school and the end of university but I hadn't since... but it was always a good time... "I... I might give it a go."

"It'll be awesome if we went together, like old times man!" Hannah laughed and punched my shoulder lightly. I smiled back.

"Yeah... yeah I'll go. I'll look forward to it," I grinned, hugged my friend one last time, and left into the hallway where my Units were already gathered around the elevator, impatient and ready to leave.

Obviously Canada was the one to navigate us through public transit back to the hotel because fuck it all, I'm not going to remember that. I never remember where I'm going if someone was leading me around the first time, only when I discover a path for myself do I remember it in the future. I typically don't do that though as it involves work and as you should know by now, I tend to avoid work. Which is why I was stuck in Toronto in the first place. Still, this misadventure did allow me to reconnect with Hannah, so I suppose if serendipity has chosen to smile on me this business trip I should accept it gratefully. Or at least without as much complaining as usual. I think I can manage that better.

After the long day I'd had to go through, I was quite happy to get back to our hotel rooms to enjoy a decent night's sleep. Unfortunately, a decent night's sleep was not meant to be as America upon entering the room immediately began whining about ordering pay-per-view. England smacked him over the head, America whined about him being unfair, Prussia started snorting in laughter, China tried to break it up and then Tony began swearing...

I wasn't sure what to do, so I went through to the other hotel room and shut the door between us. I didn't lock it just in case there was some reason they absolutely had to contact me, but as I went to the bed I felt tugging on my leg. I looked down to see Kumajirou looking sadly up at me.

"I'm hungry," he said.

"Ah shit," I muttered and opened the connecting door again. "MATT! Where are you?"

I heard a whimper from behind where I'd thrown the door open. "I-I'm here eh..."

"Oh," I blinked, perhaps just a little bit stupidly. Well... how the hell was I supposed to know he was back there? He could've... yelled... or something. "Well, your bear's hungry."

"Kumakoo!" Canada's pain seemingly forgotten, he ran to snatch up his bear, "D-don't worry, I brought some of the salmon ramen I had, just for you."

"Who are you?"

Canada sighed. "Matthew. The one who's going to feed you."

I sighed and went to sit on the bed to see whatever movie America can decided to put on the TV. Even if it were pay per view, at this point ten more dollars wasn't going to matter much in the long run.

... shit.

"Alfred, why the fuck would you put on Paranormal Activity 2?" I asked quietly, giving him a hard look.

"Um, it's really cool!" America laughed slightly, already wide eyed as England gave him a sour look.

"I told him not to, not that he ever listens to me!" the British Unit muttered, looking cross. I would have to agree with him, this was just bullshit.

"Okay, FIRST of all, not everyone here likes horror movies. I mean, I personally have a fondness, but I don't think Mattie does and probably not China or England either, at least not this kind and given that we're all confined to a small room we should have consensus. Second of all, we have a small child here," I pointed at Little Russia who looked up and smiled. "Now I know he's pretty much mentally scarred for life anyway but God knows that'll only make it worse. Lastly, horror movies make you infantile, and when you hug people in fear, bones crack. Change it to something else with nothing higher than a PG-13 rating."

"That is reasonable-aru, thank you," China nodded, looking pleased at my ability to take charge. Well damn straight I could take charge! I was the oldest one here, and I owned all these little bastards! All hail me, damn it!

"Aw, but I don't wanna!" America whined. England hit him over the head. "AH! Iggy don't- OW!" America rubbed his head and pouted as England took the remote and went back to the menu, scrolling through the movies.

"Oh! They have Harry Potter!" England suddenly said, looking surprisingly happy. Well, maybe not so surprisingly. I mean, they were British, magical, and let's face it- the book series is fucking awesome.

"Okay," I said with a bit of a smile, "But only pick one of the first three."

England's mouth opened as if to protest, but then he glanced at Little Russia who chose that moment to look incredibly innocent. England bit his lip, then smiled and nodded, choosing the first movie. Gotta love classics.

"And after this, we're going to bed," I announced, looking around at the now-mesmerized faces. Well, America, Little Russia, England and Canada were mesmerized. China seemed only half interested and Prussia was... on the phone?

"Hey, what're you doing?" I asked, tapping the guy on the shoulder. Bastard better have a good reason!

"I'm ordering pizza," he said flatly, "Hope you have money on you."

I gaped, and then smacked him, "LIKE HELL! You already ate!"

"Yeah, and I paid for it too," Prussia smirked, "Do you honestly think this group's only going to watch the first movie?"

I stared, glanced at the Units watching the television including China who seemed to be getting more into it, and then turned back to Prussia, biting my lip. Well... maybe it would be a good call... but still, money... gaaaaah pizza...

"Okay, but make sure at least half of one is pineapple, mushroom and tomato," I muttered, picking the three golden toppings that have graced all my special order pizzas that I've had since high school.

Prussia snorted and added my order. I sighed and leaned back on the pillows on the bed near the wall, Prussia on the bed next to the phone... wait, how the hell was I next to Prussia on the bed? Didn't even bloody notice. The hell. China was on the floor leaning against the chest of drawers between the beds with Little Russia in his lap, America and England were against the cushions on the other bed, and Canada was sitting at the foot of their bed holding Kumajirou... wait, where the fuck did Tony go? Ah hell I don't even care. It was Harry Freaking Potter time!

I think it was about a third of the way through the second movie surrounded by three empty pizza boxes and two empty 2 litre bottles of Coke (one completely consumed by America) that I realized that this situation... well, all of us sitting around watching a movie it was kind of... well it reminded me of being at home with my family on Friday nights. Especially the pizza, it was the Friday routine: get pizza, get a movie or two, watch them as a family...

Of course none of my family were as god awful annoying as Prussia is usually, but he was being quiet right now... I dunno, it was... it was okay. I liked it, I think. Too bad all my moments with this crew of lunatics couldn't be this nice. And too bad three movies and all this pizza were going to put me out about sixty bucks. What a dick move on Prussia's part, seriously. We didn't need that pizza. Stupid tempting pizza. Tasted damn fine though. Curse my inability to resist its tempting goodness.

I'm pretty sure I fell asleep some time during the third movie because I definitely remember Harry being on the Knight Bus but I don't remember much past that. The next clear memory I had was of opening my bleary eyes to find myself stiff necked on top of the bed covers with my glasses askew on my face and sunlight coming in through the window. I felt weight on my chest and glanced down, raising my eyebrows. On one side Little Russia appeared to have curled up next to me again which was getting kind of normal for some reason. On the other side... uh... well it seemed that Prussia had also fallen asleep atop the covers and um... his arm was across my stomach with his head under my arm. That was... yeah I didn't know exactly how to respond at that moment, I was kind of tired still. I glanced at the other bed to see America, England, Canada and Kumajirou in a heap, nuzzled up together. It seems that they, at least, had found their way under the covers. That was pretty cute. The TV was off, so someone at least had managed to stay up long enough to turn it off. I carefully moved Prussia's arm off of me and pushed myself to move into a seated position, noticing that China was asleep as well and slumped between the beds. How late were we up... till two, three in the morning maybe? I wasn't sure, but a check of the digital clock told me the time at the moment was only eight thirty in the morning. What the hell was I doing awake so early? I didn't really feel sleepy though for some reason.

And... and crap! We didn't even use the other hotel room the whole time we were here! A hundred and fifty dollars wasted... phht...

Anyway, I might have been a little more tired than I had originally thought since I kind of ended up staying in a seated position staring into space for about ten minutes before my brain kicked in and told me that I had to go to the bathroom and I had to manage it somehow without waking the Units around me. ...in retrospect I'm unsure why my brain would tell me such a thing, surely I hadn't cared about waking up the Units the morning before but for whatever reason I was left trying to ninja my way out from between Little Russia and Prussia, carefully detangling my shirt from Little Russia's fingers on the way and attempting not to move the mattress too much. Somehow this ended with me standing precariously and hobbling in large steps to the end of the bed and hopping to the floor. I think I made a louder thump than intended, catlike I am not, but it seemed that the Units were pretty much knocked out so I was able to enter the bathroom without more than a couple disrupted breathing patterns. Score one for my non-existent ninja skills I suppose.

Once my bladder was relieved, I decided that since I was up anyway I might as well shower before anyone else tried to. I left the bathroom to gather my last set of clean clothes from my overnight bag and withdrew back to the bathroom, shutting the door and stripping, ecstatic once I felt the warm water rolling over my skin. This joy lasted approximately five minutes, letting me just wash the shampoo out of my hair before the shower curtain was pulled back, making me shriek like a friggen banshee. Must've forgotten to lock the damn door, shit. I'm not sure if I should say I was lucky or not, but the one who pulled back the curtain was Little Russia who seemed very curious.

"Mother Russia! What are you doing?" His eyes widened, "Where are your clothes?"

As I desperately tried to cover up the important bits I gave Little Russia a glare, "Hey, remember how you're not allowed in my room without permission back home?"

"Y-yes?" the boy seemed put off balance by my glare. Good.

"Well same applies to bathrooms. If someone is in the bathroom, you need to ask permission to come in," I explained, "I'm cleaning myself."

Little Russia laughed, "Silly! I was supposed to ask permission to be in your room at home if no one was there! I think you are confused, da?"

I stared at him in disbelief now. "No, you're confused. The correlation was in the whole 'permission required' thing."

Little Russia hummed. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"And why are your legs hairy?"

I winced. "B-because it's not like anyone's going to look at them or anything! NOW GET OUT!" Seriously, shaving takes so damn long and I'm the only one looking at that shit, so why would I do it all the time? I wouldn't. Not that I never do it, sometimes it gets too bad for even me to look at, but I might do it once a month at best is all I'm saying.

The boy paused a moment, then closed the curtain. I sighed in relief and returned to washing, wondering what China was doing, was he still asleep after that scream? Probably not, so maybe he didn't come get Little Russia because he didn't want to see me naked? ... I'm just going to count that under things I should be relieved about.

Or I would. You see, not long after Little Russia left he ran back in, this time butt naked.

"I want to wash like Mother Russia!" he said happily from my feet. I looked down and twitched. First time seeing Russia's cock and it's on his child self. Charming. Well, I suppose ultimately I didn't really think about Little Russia in any kind of sexual way, but it's hard to completely ignore how much his adult self makes me swoon. I'm not a paedophile but I couldn't help but wonder what that thing would look like grown up and... gaaaaah there was WAY too much wrong with this situation and my eyes quickly averted themselves.

"Can't you do that with China?"

"China takes baths! I want to try this!" Little Russia said, grabbing at the soap from the edge of the tub and rubbing it on himself.

"Whatever..." I muttered, not sure if it was appropriate to keep washing myself in this situation or not. I guess this was probably more cute than creepy. If he were about four years older we'd be crossing some uncomfortable boundaries though.

Then... god... okay THEN, the curtain opens again, I scream, and naked America was now in the shower with us. FUCK THE FUCK FUCK WHAT?

"WHAT THE FUCK ALFRED GET OUT!" I punched him in the stomach and he whined, but I don't think I did much damage.

"Get out pig!" Little Russia raged at my feet, not being particularly helpful.

"But, this way we're heroically saving water!"

"Who the fuck told you that?"

"Well Gil mentioned it, but he might've been being sarcastic..." America admitted, suddenly looking uncertain. Then he looked down. "Hey! Nice chest! Why're you legs hairy though? And hey! You've got a blubber gut!"

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" I think my face was probably pretty fucking red at this point. Seriously. What the fuck, who the fuck does this? No one does this! "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, PRUSSIAN ASSHOLE!"

"What did I do?" came a faint voice through the wall.

"DID YOU TELL AMERICA TO COME IN HERE?"

"Oh, uh, kesesesese..."

I screamed in rage and kicked America in the shin. Or attempted as much, I ended up slipping in the shower and slammed my head on the wall. Dazed, America ended up carrying me out of the shower and onto the bed, England and China quickly having the decency to cover me with blankets unlike that asshole America, fucking hell, what did I do to deserve this? Second time these stupid Units will possibly give me a concussion...

"I-I'm terribly sorry about Al," Canada murmured, putting a cold cloth on my forehead.

I gave him a weary look. "Mattie, I'm already wet, the cold cloth can't help that much."

"Oh, s-sorry eh..."

"Whatever," I muttered. This was such bullshit. "Okay," I groaned when I felt alright to speak in a louder voice, even though my ears kind of rang a bit, "Somebody bring me my clothes from the bathroom, and a towel. Everyone else, shower if you're going to, if not, start packing stuff up. When I feel like I'm not going to pass out suddenly, we'll check out and go home. Got it?

"Yes-aru."

"Er, stiff upper lip, it'll be alright," England said with an uneasy smile and bustled about putting clothes into bags as Canada hurried to fetch my clothes for me. It was nice to see my orders followed as I fumbled around putting on clothes under the covers. I heard China scolding Little Russia, Canada and England scolding America... yep, that was good. No one was scolding Prussia though. Definitely was going to do that... soonish... soon as my head stopped smarting like that... fucking hell...

Alright, well, maybe my head stopped hurting so much a while before I stopped moaning about it. Mostly at that point I didn't want to help with the packing. But, once everything was stored away I made my miraculous recovery and immediately started yelling Prussia for his dumbass remarks. He just laughed. What a bastard.

"Schadenfreude," Prussia shrugged. Damn it. He was using my favourite Avenue Q song about happiness at the misfortune of others against me. For shame.

Anyway, so finally, at long last, I brought our things to the front desk, checked out with the staff, and headed out to the parking lot. We put the bags in the trunk, Tony seems to reappear at the critical time and then... then we had a problem. My car was, objectively, full when we left my house. I have an extra Unit now.

"Oh we're fucked," I muttered, trying to work this one out.

"Why?" England asked, looking confused, "We have five seats, as long as Tony and Ivan sit on laps we should be fine.

"You're forgetting Mattie," I said reflexively. The British Unit looked confused for a moment before comprehension seemed to dawn and everyone looked at the car with puzzled expressions.

"Well... someone could ride in the trunk-aru?"

England snorted, "For how many hours?"

"I don't see you thinking of anything better-aru!"

"Maybe Captain America can sit in the trunk," Prussia suggested, glancing at the guy in question, "Be the heroic thing to do."

"HA HA HA!" America laughed, then sobered. "But no. That's five hours dude! It'd be boring in there!"

I groaned and opened the car door, looking around the interior. "Maybe someone could lay on the floor by people's feet?"

We got Canada, China, America, Kumajirou, Little Russia and Tony sitting on the seat and quickly noted that there would not be enough room to squeeze anyone down there for five hours straight.

"Well what now?" England huffed.

"Hey, Mom," Prussia said from the passenger's seat where he had shoved himself as soon as he could have managed, "I was looking down on the floor, there's a seatbelt down attached to the front seat."

"Duh, there should be two," I rolled my eyes.

"DUH!" Prussia countered, "This is a third one!"

"What?" I said dully as Prussia waved it at me. "So... OH!" I looked at the midpoint between the driver and passenger seats of my car. There was an upraised armrest I liked using and underneath was where I stored my CD collection but some back recess of my mind remembered some point in university where my sister had once mentioned that my car could fit three people in the front. I experimentally began to remove my CDs and handing them to Prussia who immediately began scoffing at my collection which was mostly classical, some older pop, and soundtracks from movies and TV shows. Once devoid of discs, I was able to miraculously remove the cup holders and flip up the armrest, revealing a seat beneath.

"Oh, jolly good!" England said, looking relieved.

"Huh, yep that's pretty interesting alright," I said with a nod and then flipped the armrest back down.

"H-hey, what the bloody hell are you doing?" England asked, looking suddenly fearful and more than a little angry. I snorted.

"No way in hell I'm getting squished up here! You can lay on the floor, or kick someone else on the floor..." I gave Prussia a look and he was quick to scowl at me.

"Just put the guy up front with a seatbelt, at least that way it'll be frikken legal!" Prussia snapped. I winced. Well he kind of had me there, and I didn't have the cash to waste on a traffic ticket just then.

"Fine. Whatever," I flipped the armrest back up, "But you are to avoid distracting me at all times! Don't knock into my arm! And driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole!" I aimed the last remark at Prussia, quoting Supernatural which was an old live action show I enjoyed very much. Because I have more diverse tastes than anime, I just have a nerd focus. Nothing wrong with that.

"... you're rather testy, aren't you?" England asked grumpily as I moved out of the car to let him crawl into the newly made seat and fumble with the seatbelt.

"Aw sod off you wank," I growled and got into the driver's seat, putting on my own seatbelt and slamming the door. It was going to be a long drive if my squished right arm had anything to say about it, and my right arm has yet to lie to me. It was nearly numb after two hours when we took a break at a rest stop equipped with a Tim Horton's and a Wendy's. The drive even to this point had been stressful, the cramped Units complaining or arguing with each other and myself constantly turning up the volume on the music until England complained and turned it down. My headache had returned and so at the small newsstand I got a bottle of Tylenol and took that with my Coke from Wendy's. It also didn't help that the further we got from the snow-free dome Toronto lived under the icier the roads became.

Before we all piled back into the car, China and Little Russia still holding half-full cups of soda, I instructed them that if they didn't shut up I was liable to run us all off the road and into a ditch. America was quick to point out that if that happened he could easily pull us out of the ditch and put us back on the road. I replied that it would be harder to pull us out of a tree when the car was wrapped around it and possibly on fire. The American shut up after that. Thank fucking God.

Unfortunately, just because America shut up did not mean the rest of the car would be so accommodating even as America tried to mime for them to be quiet and not get us all killed horribly. Prussia was soon into some kind of spat with England about how he should stay on his side of the dividing line of the cushions and Little Russia was apparently pulling Kumajirou's fur in the back seat making him growl and Canada have to hold him back. China scolded Little Russia of course but I don't think it helped much.

The snow started coming down harder and my windshield wipers were working non-stop during the fourth hour of this nonsense. I took comfort in the knowledge that my GPS told me there was only about half an hour to Duran, so only an hour left until we reached home. I hoped to God that Panda-aru had fed my pets and let the dogs out while we were gone- or at least cleaned up after them if he hadn't. I suppose I should feel a bit lucky. If he hadn't been around then I would've had to bring my dogs with me and found a hotel or motel near Toronto that allowed pets since I didn't have anyone else to leave those cute buggers with.

Then, however, Little Russia started whining that he had to go to the bathroom again, and China admitted that he could use another break as well.

"There is no damn way!" I shouted, sick of this juvenile bullshit. "We're an hour away, I am NOT looking for a rest stop. It might be mid-afternoon but with the snow like this I feel like I'm going to crash damn it I am NOT stopping!"

"B-but Mother Russia I-"

"NO!"

A moment passed.

"Oh nice going-aru! He wet himself!"

"What, seriously? Kesesese!" Prussia laughed, "Take that, brat!"

"It's not funny-aru! It's all over my lap..."

"S-sorry big brother Yao..."

"I-it's not your fault-aru, it's yours!" China kicked the back of my seat.

I growled and hit the break, pulling over to the side of the road so sharply the car slid and there was a few panicked seconds of terror as everyone in the car screamed. We stopped before calamity hit at least, and as we were driving on side roads as I was wont to do there weren't any other cars to inconvenience in the low visibility.

"Okay!" I snapped as I threw the car into park. "I will NOT be kicked when I'm fucking driving! China! You need to piss too right? Well get the fuck out of the car and go!"

China's eyes widened as I glared at him in the rear view mirror.

"B-but that's outside-aru! And it's cold!"

"Kesesese! Should've pissed more at the rest stop!"

"GILBERT!" I roared, "You shut the fuck up too! And England! And everyone! You're all fucking acting like... like fucking CHILDREN!"

"And you're acting like a fucking MOM!" Prussia yelled back, "So drive bitch!"

I clenched the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles turned white.

"Ah, perhaps we need to calm down?" England said tentatively and reached over to touch my hand. My hand twisted quickly and locked his fingers into a death grip. He squeaked and I swear the car went dead silent.

"Get out of the car," I growled.

"I-I... okay-aru! I-I can pee in the snow! R-really!" China looked terrified.

"Not just you," I said through gritted teeth. "Everybody. Out. Now. I've fucking had it. I'm done. Fuck Units. Fuck all of you. GET OUT!" I released England's fingers.

England swallowed hard beside me as everyone remained dead quiet. "Y-you can't... you can't mean that... d-don't be rash about this-"

"I'LL SHOW YOU FUCKING RASH IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF THIS CAR! THIS IS A FUCKING ORDER GET OUT OF THIS DAMN CAR!" I breathed hard as the Units shivered and slowly opened the doors of my car, one by one getting out. My head was pounding and my blood was racing as they lined up beside the road, the doors of my car shutting behind them. I stepped on the gas and the tires squealed, I releasing the car was in park and swore at myself, turning it to drive and taking off down the road. I drove about ten minutes before I started to cool down and realised what exactly it was I had just done. I swore again, pulled over to the side of the road and put my head down on the steering wheel, trying to understand why the fuck I just did that.

This was why I'd suck as a mother- I was just... I just couldn't handle... this... whatever the fuck it was. Hetalia characters... they all acted like fucking children. They fought over silly things and they all had some kind of mental disorder and... and...

And regardless they were... they were my responsibility right now. Fuck and I just... I just...

I was tearing up. This was ridiculous. What was I even fucking doing? I dried off my eyes, turned the car around and drove again, searching the side of the road where I'd left them. They were still there, only now huddled into a group, though Prussia was apart slightly, searching down the road. He saw me and I swear to God he smirked, the fucking prick. The rest of the Units looked far more relieved when I pulled back up in front of them, Little Russia even had tears in his eyes and when Prussia opened the door the kid dove in first, crawling across the seat and flinging his arms around my neck and sobbing, promising never to pee himself ever again. And damn I... I felt bad. I honestly felt like a horrible person. What the fuck, what the fuck, I never feel this way about shit I do even if someone gets hurt it's their problem but...

"I-I'm... sorry, I guess," I said as the Units quickly got back into the car, shutting the doors against the cold. Little Russia was still on my lap however. "I... overreacted. I had a headache and everyone was loud and I'm not... used to this. At all. And, I'm just really stressed out, with all of you here, I've lived alone a long time, and then all of a sudden... and you're all so expensive, and I need to still find places for everyone to sleep and if my book doesn't do well I'll probably go fucking bankrupt at this rate and... and my editor and publisher want the book done in two weeks! That's just... I'm not nearly far enough and... and..." my breathing hitched and I shut my mouth, there was no way I would let myself get worked up here.

England sighed and put a hesitant hand on my arm. I didn't react so he spoke, "It's alright lass, we should have been quiet when you asked us as well."

"Y-yes, we're very sorry-aru!"

"Yeah, we didn't mean to!" America said rather loudly, "We'll be quiet!"

"I-I'm sorry for Kumajirou," Canada said quietly, holding his bear tightly, still shivering.

"It's okay, I mean, like I said, overreacted," I shrugged and Little Russia let out a final sniffle before letting himself be awkwardly passed over into the back seat.

"Phht, I'm not sorry," Prussia snorted, "And I knew you'd be back."

My eyes narrowed in a way I hoped was dangerous and I looked at the albino. "Oh really? And why the fuck should I have done that? You know I really don't fucking like you."

Prussia's expression was cool as his eyes turned to meet mine. "Yeah, I know, but you love that kid back there and at least like the rest of these losers well enough. You'd be back for them."

My eyes widened slightly and I felt uncomfortable, so I turned back to the road, "Yeah well, whatever," I grumbled as I put the car into drive again and turned back around to drive toward home. But then...

"Where's Tony? Oh shit!" America asked suddenly. I noticed then that Tony was missing, and apparently he had been since the rest stop. So my trip ended up extended WAY longer than planned as we had to drive an hour and a half back to the rest station where Tony was reading a magazine inconspicuously near the newsstand and apparently waiting for us. I was pissed as fuck, but after that stunt earlier I was more wary about leaving him behind, I didn't want to spark bad feelings again or anything. So the alien was brought to the car and finally, two hours after that we managed to reach Duran where I decided to stop at Wal-Mart to get England an extra change of normal clothes, keeping things cheap of course.

I wondered if that blonde girl who had the Switzerland Unit would be working today, but I didn't see her. I told the Units to meet us at the front of the store in about fifteen minutes because I couldn't see finding one set of clothes taking longer than that. The group dispersed and England and I went to the men's section. England wrinkled his nose at the long quality of the fabric, but didn't complain which was good because I would've about bitten his head off for it.

As England was in the change room, Prussia ended up strolling up to me for some reason.

"Artie's changing?" he asked, folding his arms and looking toward the changing rooms.

"Yeah, what of it?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Just wondering, it's been twenty minutes already."

"What? It has?" I checked my watch and sure enough. I shook my head. "Well he was being a girl about picking out colours."

"Figures."

"Kind of, I guess."

At that moment England walked out of the changing room wearing a green sweater that perfectly matched his eyes and brown pants. It looked nice enough.

"That the one?" I asked.

England flushed, "I-I don't know, do the pants make my bum look- w-what the bloody hell is HE doing there?"

"Yo," Prussia wiggled his fingers and smirked. England grumbled.

"It's fine, Arthur," I said with a sigh, "Now go take it off so we can pay for it, we're running overtime already, bub."

"Er, right," England nodded and disappeared back into the changing room. Prussia and I waited outside with equally bored expressions for a while, when Prussia suddenly tensed and looked over my shoulder. I looked as well and... not five meters from us was Corey, looking at Prussia like he'd seen a ghost. Once eye contact was made however, the boy coughed and looked away, flushed and a tad angry for some reason.

"What're you two doing here?" he muttered.

Prussia gaped, but then his gaze hardened and his mouth turned into a frown. "It's a free fucking country, I can go wherever I damn well please!"

Corey glared up at Prussia, "No! You just go wherever the fuck you're programmed! Anyway-"

"Programmed?" Prussia's hands clenched into fists, "I'm not fucking PROGRAMMED to like people okay? Other Units, sure there's some I'm supposed to be more inclined to, but not YOU damn it!"

Corey froze, but then shook his head. I felt like neither of them was acknowledging my existence at the moment... probably a good thing. "Well you're still not fucking REAL! Okay? You're just a soulless... body! That's all you are, and I can't fucking believe you tricked me into thinking you had feelings for me! Asshole!"

Prussia's eyes screamed that he was hurt but Corey wasn't looking at him anymore.

"Well... well yeah!" Prussia snapped, "Why the fuck should I feel anything for you? I'm fucking Unit! Why the hell should I have any sort of relationship with a human? Humans... humans fucking SUCK!"

"GOOD!" Corey shouted, "Then I'll be able to find a human that sucks as good as you, probably better!" Now people were staring... attracting attention... fuck.

"GILBERT!" I shouted, smacking him on the arm as Corey ran off, "You're making a scene! Why don't you shut up, it's not like it's a big deal!"

Prussia's angry eyes turned on me now and... and shit were those... were his eyes wet? Fuck... "Not a big...? You know what? I'm not even fucking surprised! And when I said humans suck, that fucking INCLUDES you!"

"Well... well shut up! Anyway, you hate Little Russia and fight with China too, so I guess Units must suck too! And hell, you DEFINITELY suck, you... you unawesome bastard!"

Prussia's eyes narrowed and he shook his head slowly. "You know what, bitch? I'm the one who's fucking done. I've had it with you. And maybe I can't get away before they find me but it's better than being here."

"What are you on about?" I asked, folding my own arms and not noticing as England came up behind me looking nervous, clothes in hand.

"W-what seems to be the trouble?" he asked carefully. Prussia snorted and turned on his heel.

"I'm leaving, that's what. See you never," Prussia started walking away and... and I just stood there watching him. Gilbird flew out of his hair and grabbed a few strands trying to tug him back, but Prussia said something and the bird slowly flew back down onto his head. When he was out of sight I noticed England tugging on my sleeve, looking horrified.

"Aren't you going to go after him?" England asked with wide eyes.

"I... n-no," I shook my head, "He just... needs to cool off, I think, he'll be back." I nodded, "He'll definitely be back." England looked unsure so I gave him my best attempt at a sincere smile which he uncertainly returned. We paid for the clothes and met with the other Units, who were confused and asking about why Prussia had left the store in a huff. I told them he left, and though they exchanged worried looks they still followed me out to the car without further comment. It was nice to have a normal amount of space in the front of the car on the way home.

Hopefully Prussia would be able to find the house in all this snow. But I doubted I could find him in this much snow anyway. I'd just have to wait until he got back, because he WOULD come back. Definitely, I mean, there's no way he wouldn't... right? I mean he doesn't like me, okay, or Little Russia... or China, really, or England either perhaps... America got along okay... he liked Canada, didn't he? That... that should be enough and... where else would he go?

Now I'm at home, sitting at my computer trying to finish half a book in two weeks but that cursor is blinking on the word document and I don't think I have any motivation to write. Why... why is that, do you think?

((Joyful Note: THE END. Of this chapter. Yep... since February I had 3 pages done, got up to 10 pages done in the last week and wrote 12 pages this morning. Ain't that always the way? Here it is, god only knows when you'll see the next one, but let's just say the plot is going to start moving a bit faster now. Prussia has left... will he be back? We shall see... Also, many thanks Silverwinds1313 for helping me edit out typos in the first 11 chapters of this! Prussia blog posts will reappear starting next chapter so I'll finally be able to use this backlog of them you guys have built up for me. Thanks guys, see you when I see you.))