I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.

Chapter 13~ They Can't Do That! Can They?

((Joyful Note: Back again and now... now is when things might become a little... odd. I am fully aware that up until now this fanfic while containing obvious elements of sci-fi fantasy has been mostly grounded in some kind of reality. Um... that isn't going to last much longer I fear... I only hope you guys stay on board with me because the ship is about to tilt... you'll understand soon enough I suppose...))

Do I hate Prussia? No, no as I've said before, I don't hate him. Do I dislike him? Yes, yes I do. He's annoying, and loud, and shows up right when he isn't supposed to, straight up from the moment we met. Do I want him dead? ... no. God no. And fucking hell, I'm NOT going to let this happen. Even if Wes is staring like I'm crazy. Even if China's telling me there's no hope. Even if Little Russia is shaking his head and England's head is hanging. Even if Canada and America are standing and looking solemn. Even if Prussia is scoffing at me for being an idiot and raiding my fridge like a fucking gluttonous pig I WILL save Prussia from certain death! And I know I said something weird just now, but FUCK IT! Because you know I'm going to explain it to you anyway, because FUCKING HELL I'M GOING TO GET PRUSSIA BACK IF IT KILLS ME! AND I'LL START BY BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF THAT IDIOT UNIT THAT'S RAIDING MY FRIDGE!

When I had gotten home after that incident with Prussia at Wal-Mart, I had gone straight to my room to work on my novel. Unfortunately, I couldn't seem to write anything. Writer's block, it is a bitch. I decided I was still tired from the trip and determined it would be best if I started this task in the morning. I probably shouldn't have made that decision since that's usually how my procrastinating begins, but there you go. I turned off my monitor and went to lie on my bed in abject apathy. I heard sounds coming from my kitchen, but the whole house seemed... quieter than I would've thought it would be. I doubted it was entirely due to the absence of the albino Unit-who-shall-not-be-named. And who is not Voldemort. Surely he never made up so much of the noise in the house and America was here after all so shouldn't he be, I don't know, knocking shit over and annoying England? They couldn't be upset that other idiot left, he'd be back soon enough as I said and they didn't seem that fond of him anyway! Well, that I was aware of. Regardless, it was oddly quiet.

I didn't like it. I really didn't like it. It was distracting. I got off my bed to open the door and saw my dogs sitting outside it. I shooed them aside as I went into the hall, shutting the door behind me. It had seemed that Panda-aru had done his job in feeding the dogs and letting them outside in the backyard as I'd instructed, and cleaning the litter box for the cats while I was gone. That was good. I supposed in the future he would be a helpful live-in pet sitter if nothing else; the dogs seemed to have warmed up to him alright by this point, which was somewhat astounding since he was still creepy as fuck, even if I was starting to get used to him.

I walked down my hallway to the kitchen and peered inside with hesitation. Yep... there they all were. Yao was cooking something but didn't seem to be putting much attention into it. Little Russia was standing on a chair to look out the window that faced the front walkway... presumably waiting for Prussia, I guess. Canada and America were also sitting at the table and looking depressed and England was leaning against the wall, arms folded and making quiet conversation with Panda-aru though what they were talking about I couldn't quite hear.

And obviously, Prussia was... well, gone. Damn it. I wanted to go in there and tell them to lighten the fuck up but I had a weird feeling that this wasn't the best idea in the world, whether because I thought they had a reason to be that upset about it or because I just didn't want to get into such a stupid discussion I wasn't sure. Instead I slipped away again unnoticed and went back to my room. I looked at the computer and sighed, sitting in front of it again and flipping the monitor back on. I wasn't in the mood to write, but that couldn't stop me from surfing the internet to perk my mood up. I watched a few videos on YouTube and checked my email for fan fiction updates I was following. There were a few I caught up on before I checked my 'favourites' list on my browser for other sites to visit and I noticed the link to Prussia's Blog I'd added back when I discovered it existed. I clicked on this link and looked at the German entries with a blank expression, since it wasn't as if I could understand that moon-speak without a translator.

Most of these entries, if I recalled, sounded rather depressing. Or at least rather 'unawesome', involving forced sex acts and beer deprivation for the Prussia Units writing them. Maybe this whole 'pissed at the world' thing was normal for them. That was probably so, now that I thought of it clearly. I found that annoying since I began wondering if that meant Prussia would still hate me even if I was nice to him and still would've marched off if Corey hadn't said those things... I found myself copy-pasting a few entries into Google translate and reading them. To the best of my knowledge, none of the others had staged an attempt at 'running away' if that's what mine was really doing. If they were enduring the same amount of crap and staying with their owners, then why would Prussia try to run now? I hoped by reading these entries I could come to some kind of conclusion about all this.

The first entry I read was from earlier that day, the 18th of December. I'm going to do my best to clear up the translation errors the internet gave me to work with.

'It's me, the super awesome Prussia speaking! Gott, I am having such a crappy time here!'

So far, it seemed about what I expected.

'I got ordered by this chick who's absolutely flat [an A, I ended up raiding her bras], but I have to admit, she's got a nice figure going on [probably because she's obsessed with Wii Fit and DDR]... Anyway! She's super quiet and always murmuring to herself some weird-ass jokes when she's sitting at her damn laptop [I guess that's pretty good since I groped her and all she could say was ,"N-No.."]. Otherwise, when she has friends over, she won't shut up. She draws and writes on sticky notes, does a shitload of origami, sits on Skype 24/7, and just rambles to her parents in Polish.'

I frowned. Whoever his owner was, she seemed like she was probably nicer to be around than I was, so did that mean the Unit was better off than my Prussia? Still, that wasn't a reason in and of itself for Prussia to just leave forever... which he hadn't! He was coming back and... and me being overweight and anti-social wasn't going to stop him from coming back. Nothing to worry about. I read on.

'Oh yeah, her parents. They hate me. I figure that she saved up all her money to buy me-of course anyone would buy me, I'm so damn awesome!-and begged for me [Kesese, like everyone does]. She has a big-ass house too, but nothing to do in it! Her parents have tons of alcohol [including some awesome German bier!], but they won't let me drink it!'

There now, see? I had no parents to disapprove of him and I don't ban him from beer. Though granted I told him he had to buy his own beer now... damn it...

'Anyway, back to the chick. She argues about video games, movies, anime, and TV shows, because she's such a dork! She also keeps bitching about school and how much she sucks at Math, like I give a shit! So I'm looking through her computer files and all I see is language files, lame-ass drawings, and me and West making out- Wait what? Oh mein Gott!'

Ha! Germancest fangirl! Well I had a big one up on her right now! Damn, incest, still not my thing and never will be. Honestly, my Units should start counting their fucking blessings, all of them!

'She looks through fan-fics, role-plays as me on Skype, and has pictures of me and West making some man love [not that I mind]! The hell? I thought she was some nerd who just studies like some jacked-up college student, but oh Gott! She's one of those yaoi fangirls! Oh shit, she's in the room!

The King of Awesome, Prussia!'

Well... yeah, that Prussia didn't seem to be doing too bad I guess except for the fact his owner liked Germancest and even then he seemed okay with it. He didn't seem to show signs of wanting to leave at any rate. Then again, he didn't have a pissy ex-boyfriend hanging around and saying shit to make him miserable either. I decided to continue.

I began scrolling back into the database's archives and came up with an entry from a Prussia writing in mid November.

'It's been nearly three months ever since I got here, and this place isn't so awesome.'

That seems to be the typical opener in these blog posts, huh.

' For one, the owner, who was a tiny girl, barely a teenager too, didn't let me drink bier around her. Not just that, she said that I had to "get off my lazy arse and find a job" if I wanted bier, because she disapproves of it.'

Well again, I let him have beer! Seriously! No Germancest and I approve alcohol! What the fuck more does that bastard want from me? It's more than these assholes got!

'As unawesome as it is, I couldn't do much. Even though she's a midget, it hurts like a fucking bitch whenever she hits me with a fucking hockey stick. And not to mention the awesome me actually lost in a hockey game, to a girl as small as her!'

I snorted that that. I didn't want to stereotype and assume the girl was Canadian. Lord knows I couldn't play hockey worth a damn but come on, I was a Hetalia fan, I couldn't help it.

'Other than the no-drinking thing though, she wasn't that bad. Moody, kinda bipolar and looks like West's friend, Kiku, but she's one of Arthur's people! '

Oh... not Canadian... uh, see! This is why stereotyping is bad!

British accent, check, loves tea, check, and snobby like him, kesesesese!

... or... not? I don't even fucking know anymore. Stupid confusing British people, can't they just leave hockey to citizens who have it as a national sport? It would make things a hell of a lot simpler.

'One minute she's brooding, the next she was about to maim Arthur if he said he had a problem with the nation of France. She's insane, since she pulled a fucking gun on me when I first got here.

Her academy had a Halloween Festival before, and she scared the shit out of Alfred (he screamed like a girl)! She didn't tell us until now, that unawesome bitch.

The bitch and her rules aside, this is a good life, kesesesese'

Okay, so he was happy. Then again, no Germancest there. Clearly Prussia did not need beer to be happy with his arrangement, though. That was interesting to take into consideration...

... was I really trying to figure out why he was upset? Shit, I think I was. Well... well it's not like it was obvious or anything as he was making it out to be! God, he was such a girl, why couldn't he just tell me what the fuck was wrong, the bastard...

Anyway, I still didn't know what the fuck to do with the guy to make him stop being a moping idiot so I slid forward again in the archives to early December.

'Yo, the awesome Prussia here. I've been having some fun at my place, but my owner's a bit weird. She can never say a full sentence when West's around, and keeps turning this really unawesome shade of red when he talks to her. Thing is, she's totally fine with me, unless I try groping her which makes her get all flustered and scream-y, but I'm not the one she ordered. She ordered West, and got me as a bonus 'cause apparently she's a dedicated Hetalia fan. And...well... her house is sort of creepy. There are pictures of the Nations everywhere, even the bathroom.'

Well, this girl seemed a bit closer to me then. I wanted Russia, Russia would make me start stammering most likely and I had a ton of anime merchandise, some at least of the nations. No doubt Prussia found that creepy. But this Prussia only found his owner a bit weird, what the hell was I doing to make my Prussia this fucking pissed?

'Looks like the chick's an architect too or at least she's learning to be one. Her house isn't that big, and she spends more than I think she has on anime DVDs. West took one look at the mess around the house and started cleaning, and she told me that she was about ready to propose then. Only thing that wasn't messy was her study, which was more obsessively clean than even West's stuff. I think it's just weird, but West says it proves she's not a total loss.'

... well, my ground floor was pretty clean... I doubted that cleanliness had anything to do with this situation though.

'Her friends, I don't know about them. She claims that one of them is the future Overlord of the world, and that when the time comes she will take her place as Historian and Overlord's heir. I say she's insane. Funny, she agrees. At least she's not making me and West do it in weird ways, which is a lot better than most of you lot can say.'

Yep, seems to be the case. I wouldn't have that happen either! Though at that moment the thought struck me that Prussia still might be upset about my plotting to have Russia violate him. Honestly, I don't quite understand the aversion, but that could have been something of a contributing factor I supposed.

'Aaaaand she's reading over my shoulder. Got to go before she starts figuring out what my words mean. Barely speaks German really...later other awesome mes!'

Well whatever. This wasn't really helping that much. I figured I'd read one more and scrolled ahead down the page to the recent entries. The word 'Kaliningrad' caught my eye and since I recalled that this was the Unit that could accidently be shipped to new Unit owners instead of the Prussia that was ordered, this was the one I decided to run through the translator.

'Kaliningrad:

I'm not very sure what to write about, or if i even want to write about anything. If I write something wrong, I'm afraid that Russia will find out and get mad, and I really don't want to think of what happens then...'

Russia... huh... well, I supposed it was true that Kaliningrad was supposedly a Prussia Unit that was raped and abused to submission by Russia according to the manual. Well, that's... sad and all, but my Prussia wasn't a Kaliningrad and ANYWAY, this Unit Co was some kind of clone growing institution, they wouldn't... they wouldn't actually let rape go on... though that's not to say it didn't maybe happen anyway... If Prussia really was abused by a Russia Unit at some point, maybe that does kind of explain his hostility. But if he wants to believe that all Units don't have to be created equal just because they are clones of the same character, then shouldn't he give a new Russia the benefit of the doubt? Especially his child version! Damn it Prussia, why can't you just... just... make sense or something! Be consistent! I know people aren't usually consistent but as a fictional character you should be! Except... well you don't really want to be thought of as fictional... er...

'I guess the best thing to write about would be anything but him.

Living here is actually kind of nice if you don't count the CHIBI!IVAN that lives here, also. My owner is actually very nice, she doesn't force me to do anything I don't want, and her house is very quiet. Well, most of the time. Well, maybe a little of the time.'

Sounds like my house, though I was surprised that I wished it was less quiet about now. Damn, I was mad when the Units made my house noisy before, but I guess at some point I must've gotten used to it. Anyway, I was paying close attention to this 'Kaliningrad' Unit. It seemed very... very different than the other Prussia Units. Now I really wanted to know what they did to a Prussia Unit to get him like this. Well, they probably just grew them that way I guess.

'The other units and her friend don't get along with each other very well, so really most of the time is yelling. My master will sometimes try to calm them down, but it seems like the PIRATE!ENGLAND here really despises her friend, so usually she just gives up.'

She has a Pirate!England? LUCKY! If there's anything that makes England sexier, it's when he's dressed like that and... god I just... oh, um, I'm heading off track. No but seriously, that's hot.

'Really, I think that my master puts up with too much.'

I put up with too much too! I wish my Prussia freaking saw that...

'I have to end it here, Russia just came in. I hope that my master is here to help me.

Kaliningrad Gilbert'

... you know I... I kind of hope his master was there to help him too... why did I feel so bad for this guy? His situation seemed better than some I'd seen on that blog but... maybe it was just his mannerisms in that entry? It seemed so... un-Prussia-like, to the point where it was uncomfortable. Still, that means there are Prussia and Kaliningrad Units. If they're different Units then it's expected that they would act different. I shrugged it off and navigated away from Prussia's website. That was a lot to mull over. My ultimate conclusion about my own Prussia Unit was that he was being an overreacting douche and when he got back I'd confront him about it.

For the moment, I had other pressing business. Namely, I had checked my credit card debt after reading those blog posts and it was not looking good. At all. I needed help with this mess and so I needed to give Unit Co a call about getting SIN numbers and stuff for my Units. They would be working if I had anything to say about it. And honey, I DEFINITELY had stuff to say about it.

Of course, my only actual phone was in the kitchen. So I had to enter the war-zone so to speak... or at least subject myself to whatever was awaiting me should I destroy this delicately balanced quiet-time that had set over my household. If nothing else, it would be nerve-wracking.

I tentatively slunk my way through the hall toward the kitchen entryway and peered around the corner again. Not too much had changed. China was finishing up the meal by the looks of it; Little Russia still stared out the window, but now Panda-aru and England sat at the table with Canada and America was nowhere to be seen. I heard the TV in the living room though, so I presumed that was where he had gone. Taking a breath, I entered the room. Immediately all eyes turned to look at me. It was creepy as hell for a good half second before they all turned away again.

Okay... awkward... I made my way to the phone, grabbed it, and scuttled out into the hallway again. The mood was far too...

Wait a minute... I did have a phone in my bedroom, why did I think I had to go to the... damn I hate brain farts. Well, I'd done it now! I was calling Unit Co so... so let me be!

I dialled the number, which I still believe it wasn't right that I'd memorized y the way, and waited for the usual robotic female voice to take me through the menu. Instead, to my utter shock, I was immediately met by Wes' voice, sounding rather... distracted.

"Hello, Unit Co is currently experiencing slight technical- PUT THAT DOWN I SAID! –difficulties, and our automated menu is- GOD FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO! – down at the moment, if this is not an emergency, please call back at- I'M GOING TO TELL YOUR MOM YOU LITTLE- another time," The shouting wasn't into the receiver, but it still made my ears ring unpleasantly.

"WES!" I shouted into the phone and the man paused for a minute.

"Oh... the Russian fangirl," he muttered, "I said that I'd get your Russia Unit to you next year! I SAID PUT THE DAMN THING DOWN!"

"Okay bub, you've gotta stop yelling there. What are you doing, anyway?"

"Uh, well, my neighbour dumped her twin brats on me but obviously I'm working, so now I'm babysitting too. Extra cash, but at this rate- IS THAT A FUCKING TASER GUN?"

"Uh-huh," I said, supremely uninterested. I mean, that was his problem and like I gave a damn about the man who was the cause of my miseries. "Well I need to order job credentials for America, Canada, England and Prussia."

"Prussia?" His voice sounded confused a minute, but somehow it got worse on the next word, "England? You don't have an England."

"Yes I do," I snorted, "I won him as a door prize in Toronto."

"Toronto?" Wes' voice went up in pitch, "Shit, uh, I guess it's fine... I should make a note of th-AH! DON'T SHOCK ME WITH THAT THING!"

"Yeah anyway, can you send credentials for them? SIN numbers, resumes, the whole shebang?"

"Well, uh, I guess for America, Canada and... Prussia..." Why the hell did he draw that out? "Er, yeah we can. But England's under a different company. We can't supply credentials for Units created by other companies."

"Other company?" I was bewildered for a moment, but then I recalled that other companies did in fact make these things, it wasn't a monopoly or anything. "Which company?"

"You should ask him to be sure but... seeing as he's from Toronto it's likely Flying Mint Bunny Inc."

"Well shit," I muttered into the phone and sighed. "How do I contact them, then?"

"That number should be in his manual, er, though it might be a little difficult to reach them from where you are... uh... bad connections?"

My eyebrow rose. "How would you know that? Have you called them recently? Where's your head office by the way?"

"Uh, that... that is not allowed to be divulged to customers for the safety of both personal and Units still being raised to their perfected potential."

"Whatever," I sighed, "Just get me the credentials you can then. How soon will they be here?"

"We'll get them to you as early as tomorrow afternoon. Shall I charge it to your credit card account you used in your last purchase?"

"I guess, if it doesn't max it out. Damn. How much does this cost, by the way?"

The number made me gag.

"Are you serious? I just want to get them some decent entry-level jobs, they don't need a fucking doctorate!"

"Well it's not that simple, we have to manipulate records, create false job history..."

"That sounds illegal."

"Er, do you want them to be able to work or not? Anyway, it's hardly THAT expensive, just a few hundred dollars each."

"Fine, fine, do what you have to then. Fucking hell, forgot that I had three of them... whatever. Okay, I'm going to end up calling the other company then I suppose, and get those credentials here ASAP!" I hung up before the man could reply. I had things to do for Christ's sake! And also I wanted to annoy someone outside of the house, since the silence was still irritating me. I used to like silence. I really did. What the fuck happened?

I turned around to put the phone back in the kitchen, and nearly shit my pants to see England leaning against the wall, looking at me with a raised eyebrow. And boy, with eyebrows like his that gesture was EXTREMELY pronounced. I'd say it's impossible for a face to look more quizzical than when you raise a monster like that higher than its brother, I'm telling you.

"Ah! Um, w-what the fuck Arthur!" I snapped, fiddling with the phone in my hands and trying to decide if England was creeping me out with that stare or turning me on. It was a close call.

"So I suppose you wish to contact Flying Mint Bunny Incorporated, then?" he asked in his death-to-haters British accent of sexiness.

"Er, yeah," I replied, coughing slightly and trying to ignore the sensation in my loins that, had I been a male, would've cause my pants to tighten. Females are lucky. We can pretend we're not aroused most of the time. It's handy, especially around British accents.

England nodded, seeming... concerned, for some reason. "You do realise that this is impossible?"

I snorted, "Impossible? Why would it be impossible? I happen to own a strange device called a 'telephone'. It does allow for such contact."

England coughed, looking awkward, "Well, er, you see I am sponsored by a different company than your other Units, correct?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, obviously, I was just told that, hun."

England fidgeted. "Well, er, yes. Of course. But you see... once you have registered under one company by procuring a Unit, you are not allowed to receive Units from the other company. Um, to put it bluntly, this case is a rare mistake."

"Well it's their mistake, not mine," I huffed, "So what, Flying Mint Bunny isn't going to talk to me?"

England shook his head, "Well, no. Not as such. I mean, y-your phone likely won't go through to them at all. So there isn't really a point in trying. Even if you did, they might actually... er that is... well I can assure you I'm fully capable of finding a way to make money without such items that you intend to order!"

"Oh really?" Most of what England had told me had, admittedly, gone in one ear and out the other, leaving naught but slight arousal in its wake. However, not having to purchase nonsense like SIN card numbers would be nice.

England, upon noticing my interested look, seemed to be relieved. "Yes, I'll get to work on that straight away! I-I can assure you it will be done!"

My eyes narrowed. There was something odd here. "Why are you so relieved about this? Why don't you want me to even try calling your company?"

England squeaked here, blushed, and waved his hands in the air in front of him. It was cute. Adorable even. Damn that adorable Brit. "W-well I... Well the reason is... i-it's not that important! I-I just don't want you to have to spend more money when it's unnecessary!"

"Uh huh," I muttered, and then sighed, giving a shrug. "Well whatever, it's not like I even care. Saving money's typically a good idea in this strained time and all. I'll leave off with it then."

"Good," England's shoulders sagged in open relief now, though I chose to ignore this.

"So how are you planning on making money?"

"Oh!" England grinned, "Well, as you may know, I do have a good hand for needlework! I thought, perhaps, I could knit and embroider some things and sell them online, or at a flea market..."

I perked up at that. "That's... not a bad idea actually. You can get on it, there should be some sewing equipment and... well some sort of materials and fabric in my room with my cosplays... not sure if I have yarn or thread right now though..." I frowned. "Well we'll go out and get some later then."

"Great, yes, bloody brilliant," England smiled and nodded excitedly, "I know just what to start with too!"

"A unicorn parade?" I asked, half-joking. I don't remember where I heard it from, but I remember reading something a fan wrote once about how every time England embroidered something, it was a unicorn parade. Always.

However, my England Unit huffed at this. "No, for your information I was going to knit a scarf with an English rose on it."

"Eeeh, still pretty girly," I shrugged, inciting England's glare. Whatever, man.

"DINNER IS READY-ARU!"

The call was sudden, but welcome as my stomach growled in response to it. I was really starting to like this whole 'live-in chef' thing. It was definitely worth it, having China around, except for that incident with my ceiling porn. That was still a bastard move.

Dinner was... tense, to say the least. That is to say, there wasn't much in the way of speaking for most of it, and Little Russia kept turning around in his seat to stare out the window. I noticed that it was snowing again, as if we didn't already have enough of that demonic fluff around here.

It was only when everyone had mostly finished eating that I finally could not take this any longer.

"ALRIGHT!" I shouted, making all my Units jump and turn to stare at me, wide-eyed.

"Was shouting really necessary?" England grumbled, twisting a finger into his ear. Being the one sitting closest to me, I suppose it was loudest for him. Well, sitting, standing at the counter... I still had far more people than chairs right now and Although America and Tony were eating in front of the TV everyone else seemed to have deemed the kitchen as the only suitable place to dine.

"Yes, shouting was completely necessary," I grunted, "You're all being too... well, quiet. What the fuck? Seriously, will SOMEONE explain why you're all being such... such... Negative Nancies!"

"Negative who-aru?"

"Never mind," I snapped, "The point is, Gilbert will be back. And hell, even if he isn't you're all being... well... strangely solemn about it!" I took an angry bite of noodles and swallowed hard, glaring around the table. It was Little Russia, however, that spoke before China clapped a hand over his mouth.

"I do not want Big Brother Prussia to die," The Russian said quietly before he was silenced by the Chinese man's hand.

"Die?" For some reason, I suddenly rather cold inside. To be honest, I hadn't considered that possibility. Though I'll grant you, Prussia didn't have Corey's house to run to now and it was dark outside. "Well, he," I cut myself off and shivered, "W-well you Units you... you heal really fast, and I-I'm sure you can take the cold better than the average human. I don't think the elements will be, er, that bad."

"Actually," Canada's soft voice, so rarely heard at the best of times, made all heads suddenly swivel in his direction. He squeaked at the attention and flushed. "A-actually, um, w-while you do have a good point, eh, about the cold probably not being an issue... um... m-maple well... Th-that's not what the major issue is."

"Uh, really," I frowned, "Then... what is the issue?"

China stood up from his chair abruptly, "We are not supposed to speak of that-aru!"

"Well Mattie was already speaking, let him finish!" I snapped, turning to glare at Canada who let out a small 'eep' as China sent him a warning look as well. "Come on, I have a right to know what the fuck is going on with my Unit!"

"Th-the problem is-"

Though at that moment Canada was cut off by a loud knock on the door. Little Russia, having been distracted until now, jumped up and twisted to look out the window.

"BIG BROTHER PRUSSIA!" he squealed and clapped his hands. I heard soft sighs of relief coming from my other Units and, to my shock, I found myself giving a slow breath out as well. Not that I was ever worried!

"I'll let him in then I guess," I said, putting my empty dish in the dish washer before heading over to the door. That idiot, took him long enough to get here! I was going to give that asshole a piece of my mind. Or, well, I was going to do that. Except that when I opened the door I was greeted with a cocky, perverted grin and two pale hands suddenly clamped on my ample chest pillows.

What the fuck.

"DAMN IT GILBERT!" I screamed, grabbing his wrists and thrusting his arms away from me. "I thought we'd gotten past that stage! Now get the fuck in here before I beat you fucking senseless in the doorway!"

"Kesesese! What shoved a stick up your ass?" Prussia snorted and came in the door, looking around with that odd, smug smile on his face. What the fuck was wrong with him? Guess he was over the Corey thing then... finally... that was good, right?

Little Russia came running into the room heading straight for the Prussian Unit when he suddenly stopped dead and stared up at the guy with wide eyes.

"U-um, B-Big Brother Prussia?" Little Russia asked, hesitantly.

"Yeah, wha- oh, you! Kesesese!" Prussia laughed and grabbed Little Russia up into his arms and started... giving him a noogie. And a hard one too. The kid's eyes were watering for Christ's sake!

"Hey! Let go of him, asshole!" I snapped, pulling Little Russia sharply from the albino's arms. Prussia shrugged and gave the kid a feral grin. Weird that was... well I wasn't going to think much on it. Maybe the cold rattled his brain or something. "God, I don't even want to deal with you and your... stupidness! I'm going to watch TV! So go... go do something!"

Shooting the Prussian a glare and ignoring the other three Units staring from the kitchen doorway, I put Little Russia down and marched into the living room where Tony and America seemed mesmerized by that stop-motion Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer movie that's been played at Christmas time since time and TV began. At least as far as I'm aware. And hell, it's not even that good of a movie but it's a 'Christmas Classic' so we're continuously subjected to it.

Though I was kind of fond of that little dentist elf. What was his name... Hermy? Herpes? He was kind of cheerful, but I always got the sense that if he hadn't met Rudolph in this movie both would've ended up meeting their ends with bitter plunges into the icy Arctic Ocean. It was depressingly tragic really.

And who doesn't like Yukon Cornelius? That guy was just fucking awesome. With his dog sled with mix-matched dogs that he pulls around himself... and... well... he's just awesome. And in later years of watching I sort of put him on par with Hagrid from Harry Potter in terms of bearded greatness too, so there was that.

However at the moment the Rudolph gang was on the Island of Misfit Toys which is a stupid idea. First of all, some of these toys aren't even misfits. Firstly, 'Charlie in the Box'. That's not a misfit, that's a knock off, and the kid will call it a 'Jack in the Box' anyway. There's no issue. And what the fuck was ever wrong with that one doll? I never could figure that one out. She's just... a doll. I think at one point she says something about what's wrong with her but either I couldn't make out what she said or I didn't understand it. Or maybe she didn't say anything and I'm remembering things wrong. What the hell. And there's a toy gun who shoots jelly! WHAT THE HELL LAME KID WOULDN'T WANT THAT? It's delicious AND makes a better weapon than water or plastic bullets ever did! Well, I would've liked it anyway. And that polka dot elephant? That was just cute.

And so I found myself sitting next to America, staring at the screen as well. I think it might've been a natural progression. On the commercial break I turned to the Unit with the glasses and asked him why he was ostracizing himself from everyone. After explaining what ostracized meant, he answered.

"Oh, well, uh, I was distracting myself, I guess."

"Distracting yourself? Oh, right," I nodded. Well, if he was as weirdly stressed out as the rest of the Units over this Prussia tantrum I could relate to watching TV as a distraction. It really did help. "Well Gil's back now, so no more issues, right?"

America frowned slightly at this, strangely enough, and looked over his shoulder at Prussia who had Canada clamped to his side and was speaking into his ear as the Canadian grew steadily redder and began trying to pull away. Yeah, I guess Prussia was over Corey alright. Asshole. Well, maybe some yaoi for later? Though Canada didn't seem really into it... oh well, Prussia had already made his stance again bondage and non-con so I doubted there would be too much of a problem. I turned back around to watch the movie.

America, however, got up and started marching toward Prussia with what I would assume was murder in his eyes. I assume it, because he was marching away from me and I couldn't actually see his eyes but he was giving off the body language that he was pissed.

Then he decked Prussia.

Chaos as Prussia jumped up and started swinging back. What... those two had never fought before! Canada was looking embarrassed and likely would've managed at fading into the background if the fight hadn't been about him.

My dogs came running in, barking loudly. They sniffed Prussia's leg, barked louder and then... bit him. What?

"OW! FUCK!" Prussia kicked out his leg and now I was running over, pulling my yapping animals backward. What the hell, I thought my dogs had accepted Prussia already! They never even barked at him anymore! However, when Prussia got a look at the dogs he cackled. "Kesesese! Doggies! Here!" he knelt down and I curiously let my pups go. They ran at Prussia, but the albino accepted them openly, rubbing at their heads until the dogs decided to calm down a little. Well... great... I guess.

Meanwhile, America seemed to forget about what they were fighting over, spotted Canada again, and dragged his twin over to watch Rudolph with him. I ran my fingers through my hair in annoyance and marched out into the kitchen again where England was helping China do the dishes. The two were getting along rather well, actually, despite the warnings in the manual. Well, they had similar personalities, at least when it came to being responsible for others. No matter the troubles they had in the past, met under different circumstances I'm sure they could get along cordially.

However, the fact they had been talking when I walked in and immediately stopped talking when they noticed me was both suspicious and annoying. I considered calling them out about it for a moment, but then sighed and chose to let it go instead. I was tired. Really tired. I drove five hours and dealt with... whatever the fuck all this was today! I was done. I whistled for my dogs and retreated to my bedroom. I had a lot to write tomorrow...

I had been sleeping rather well, actually, until two in the morning when a loud German accent screamed from my kitchen.

"HEY! WHERE'S ALL THE BIER?"

I groaned, half asleep, "I DON'T HAVE ANY!"

There was stomping, and my bedroom door was flung open. Prussia filled it, looking horrified. "What do you mean, you don't have any?"

"I mean I don't, that's what you getting a job was about! So you could go buy your own damn beer!" I grumbled. I had a weird sense of déjà vu. Damn it Prussia, you can't even remember this much? "Let me go back to sleep!"

"No way!" Prussia pouted, then grinned, "Well, if you don't get me bier, you could help me feel better some other way..."

"Okay, WHAT THE FUCK is the matter with you?" I snapped, finally pushing myself upright and glaring into the dark. My shout made my dogs jump up on the bed, but I brushed that aside for now. "You're acting... weird! You're being really perverted and cocky and... and you're just..."

"Awesome?" Prussia suggested, "Awesomely awesome?"

"NO! You're an asshole!"

Prussia sniggered. "And you expect less of the great Prussia?"

"I thought you didn't want to be compared to Prussia from the anime!" I seethed.

Prussia's eyebrow rose. "Uh, well... Prussia's just..."

"Awesome?" I suggested, sarcastically.

"Yeah!" Prussia agreed happily... Prussia usually hates it when I do that. I frowned.

"Seriously. What's going on?" I asked softly, more softly than I would've liked, but it seemed that was the only way I could make words come out.

Prussia snorted, "Nothing, now, get me bier!"

"No," I said sharply, "Now get out. I... I need to sleep. If I drove anywhere now I'd crash the car and I'm certainly not giving the car keys to you. Go to bed."

Prussia frowned this time, but finally chuckled, slightly. "Kesese, fine. Tomorrow, we're getting bier! And for now I'll go to bed... in the um... on the..."

"In the basement?" I said, wearily.

"Right! Going!" Prussia laughed and slammed my door on the way out. Fucking bastard. What... what the fuck was wrong with him? Well... whatever it was... it wasn't like he was dead so... we'd figure it out in the morning. I went back to sleep.

That morning I was awoken, as I often seem to be recently, by the doorbell. I sighed and stretched, making sure I was wearing pants before heading to my bedroom door and releasing my doors into their race up the hall and toward the front door. When I reached there, I opened the door to find Wes holding an envelope with burn marks on his hands, probably the tazers from yesterday. Heh. Bastard deserved it, he sucked at his job.

"So, these are your papers for America, Canada and Prussia," Wes handed them to me and a dutifully looked them over this time before signing for them. All seemed to be in order. Wes continued as Prussia walked behind me from the living room to the kitchen. I didn't even know he had been in the living room. "Oh, and your replacement Prussia is here, that's good."

I froze in my signing and my head jerked up to stare at Wes. "My what?"

Wes froze as well, looking like a deer caught in headlights. "Uh... I mean Prussia's back!"

"What..." I took a deep breath, "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN REPLACEMENT?" I'll grant you, this definitely cleared up why Prussia was acting funny.

Wes winced, "U-um..."

Prussia poked his head back into the front hall. "Oh, yeah, there was another Prussia here, but he sucked at being the awesome me, so Unit Co replaced him with me. So, no more problems! Kesesese!" He then proceeded to go back into the kitchen and open my fridge to look for food. I turned a wild gaze back at Wes.

"WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK?" I screamed and Wes backed up. I shook my head and grabbed Wes' shirt, yanking him into my house, though he protested it seemed I was the stronger of the two of us. I pulled him to the living room, threw him down on the couch and gave him the mother of all glares. "And who, pray tell, authorized this whole... replacing thing?"

Wes gulped, his ice blue eyes completely rimmed in white. "W-well it's procedure, when we notice a Unit has declared himself running away forever. I-It saves on refunds and bad PR and-"

"Shut up," I hissed, "So, where is my original Prussia, then?"

"It um... it..." Wes sighed, "Well it was sent back to headquarters for deactivation."

"Deactivation?" my eyebrow rose, "He's a clone, not a robot." Suddenly, my eyes widened. The cold feeling entered my stomach and spread through my body. "What... wait you... he..." I shook my head, slowly. It couldn't be. "They can't... they can't do that! They... they're going to... kill... NO!" I shouted, "They can't fucking do that! He's mine I... I paid for him didn't I?"

Wes gulped again, "B-but they sent a replacement, i-it's the same thing..."

"NO HE'S NOT BLOODY WELL THE SAME!" I roared, but suddenly I felt short of breath. I clenched my fists and unclenched them, trying to process what was happening. Suddenly I felt an arm around my shoulders and I startled, looking up. It was... America? "Wh-what are you...?"

America sighed and in a weird, un-America-like gesture pushed his glasses up his nose and looked at me with a serious expression. Very un-America-like indeed. "Dude it..." he sighed, "It's too late."

It was then I noticed that my eyes felt... wet. Wet? Why... why would I... over him? Over Prussia? My... over Gilbert? What the... what the fuck this can't...

"Get him back!" I snapped at Wes, "There has... there has to be a way! Take me to your goddamn HQ! Do it now! GET ME THERE SO I CAN GET THAT BASTARD BACK! He's not walking out on me! He's not... he's not going to do this!"

Wes coughed, "That's impossible."

"NO IT ISN'T!" I yelled, "If you don't, I'm going to report you and your serious issues with delivering me the correct Unit! And then hey, you lose your job, don't you? So you better take me to that goddamn HQ!"

This got Wes' attention, "You can't-"

"YES I FUCKING CAN!"

We stared each other down. Then I stared around the room. I was shocked to find my Units had gathered in here, probably to see what the shouting was about. Well, except the imposter Prussia who was raiding the damn fridge. I think if America wasn't holding me back I would be trying to wring Wes' puny neck.

This is where I am now. My god. My god I... I WILL get him back!

"Why can't I?" I say, firmly, looking Wes in the eye, "What exactly is stopping you from taking you to Unit Co. Headquarters right now?"

"It's against policy," Wes says quietly.

"I don't care! I need to go! Just jump in your van and take me there!"

Wes shakes his head, "It's not that simple."

"Then I'll jump on a plane and go there, how far away is it?" I ask angrily.

America snorts, "Like, thirty years..." Suddenly all heads but mine are looking at America in horror. I stare at them, and then up at America who is looking seriously down at me again.

"What do you mean?" I ask, softly again, "It doesn't take thirty years to go anywhere on earth."

"It's not..." My head whips around to see China speaking, looking away, "It's not distance it... Unit Co will not be officially founded for another ten years. And we won't be of the age for distribution for another thirty."

I blink and turn to Wes who is looking terrified now. "Wait... so Unit Co... Unit Co is in the future... and you all... time travelled here... to sell clones of anime characters." Wes nods.

Well... well... shit.

((Blog Posts: PlatinumPixels, Ekishou Kitai, Karen Elaine DuLay, Meco64))

((Joyful Note: Shorter than usual. 17 pages. But a month early. And yes. Time travel. Well... it's the only way it makes sense! Without time travel, you can't sell clones of fads because in the time it takes to grow the clone from child to adult the fad could be out of style! So time travel is NECESSARY for this sort of operation!

Anyway, OCs name is revealed chapter after next. Excitement for all. Is Prussia/Gilbert really dead? IS HE? Hell, he might be, I'm not adverse to darkness in stories like this. But we'll see. Hope you enjoyed... because the dramatic bit starts here I suppose.))