4th Drink - Drugs are Bad?

Author's Room~

I drummed my fingers on the table softly as I listened to some songs by Thousand Foot Crutch.

Yes, another writer's block.

*sigh*

And you know what that means, right?

...

Back to the wine cabinet?

F*** NO.

I ran out of wine last chapter, and I'm waiting for the new shipment to arrive. So the craziness that you're about to read is the s*** I dream about when I'm sober.

I fell asleep trying to think of more ideas.

Screwed-up Dreamland~

I stared at the small pouch of powder in my hand. I looked around me, and found myself in the Vongola mansion. Apparently, this dream made me a part of Vongola in some way. I realized that I was wearing a nice, expensive Italian suit, a white dress shirt underneath. I looked down at my hands to see the three rings of my choosing adorning my fingers.

F*** yeah!

I decidedly took a peek inside the bag, and found a white, powdery substance in it.

What in blazes is this?

Suddenly, an egg with a machine gun appeared and said, "That, my friend, is sleeping powder." He then kicked open a door (how the hell is that possible?! He doesn't have legs!) and screamed, "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" before pulling out a smaller egg who let out a war cry before they ran inside. I blinked, once, twice, thrice.

And then came the evil grin.

I have a great idea...hehehehe...By the time I'm finished, even Reborn's sadism will seem mediocre!

I opened a large mahogany leading to Tsuna's office. "Neo Primo?" I called out.

Tsuna, who was now ten years older, looked up from his paperwork and smiled at me.

I kind of felt bad for what I was about to do to him.

But then again, I didn't.

I held out a mug of coffee and offered a smile. "I brought coffee, Neo Primo," Tsuna smiled as I walked over to his table and offered it to him.

"Thanks, Illusion," he said with a smile as he took the mug from my hands. "And, please, call me Tsuna." My smile slowly become evil as he downed all the coffee. "In that case, just call me Luke." He drank the last drops of the coffee, and my evil smile had become a sadistic grin.

"Or, would you prefer Sadism Incarnate?"

He doubled over, loosening his hold on the coffee mug. I deftly caught it just before it hit the floor. Tsuna stared at me, wide-eyed.

"What...did you...?" he tried to manage. I continued grinning, and leaned in close to his face.

"I'll be using you for my entertainment, if you don't mind," I whispered.

Tsuna collapsed on his table, out cold. I snickered mischievously.

"Phase 1: Complete. Time for Phase 2..."

"WHAT?!" Gokudera gasped. The other Guardians immediately gathered in the garden where I had decided to confront the Storm Guardian once they heard him shout. I had a somber expression on my face, and I mentally praised myself for my excellent acting skills.

"It's like I said," I repeated to them all, "I found Neo Primo unconscious in his office. No matter what, he won't wake up. I fear the worst..."

Yamamoto grabbed my arm. "Let's get going, then." In a flash, we were in front of the doors to the office.

Mafia? More like ninja.

They busted open the doors, and I could swear I heard the hinges crack.

"JUUDAIME/TSUNA/SAWADA/TSUNAYOSHI/BOSS/VONGOLA!" they said simultaneously as they opened the door. True to my word (and my doings), Tsuna was unconscious, slumped over his desk, which, surprisingly was clear of paperwork.

Actually, I burned them, but he'll thank me later.

He will.

Gokudera immediately rushed over and checked his precious Juudaime's pulse. He let out a sigh of relief upon feeling it.

"He's still alive," he stated. He heard the young Don snore softly, and then his expression changed into full relief. "He must be asleep, tired from signing all his paperwork. That might explain why his desk is clean." I mentally snickered, sure that Gokudera would come to such a conclusion.

Now the fun begins.

Gokudera started shaking Tsuna by the shoulders. "Juudaime? Juudaime! Wake up, Juudaime!" But Tsuna just wouldn't wake up. He continued repeating his words, all the while his shaking becoming more and more vigorous by each passing minute.

It's hopeless, I mentally taunted.

Gokudera eventually gave up on his routine. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and it was none other than Yamamoto.

"Maybe we should try pouring some cold water on him," he suggested. Gokudera contemplated about it for a few minutes before he nodded. Yamamoto lit his ring, and opened his Vongola box, releasing his Rondine di Pioggia.

"Kojiro, create a downpour on Tsuna's head." Did he know how weird that sounded?

The swallow proceeded to use its Rain flames to create some water, enough to soak Tsuna completely. Still, he wouldn't wake up. Now, his desk and carpet were wet, and so was their beloved Mafia boss. Yamamoto frowned, seeing as his plan didn't work.

"Let me extremely try!" Ryohei asked. The others agreed. Tsuna was known to be easily woken up by loud noises, and Ryohei just defines loud. Ryohei took a few steps forward, and took a deep breath. Everyone covered their ears.

"SAWADA! IT'S EXTREMELY TIME TO WAKE UP, TO THE EXTREME! EXTREMELY WAKE UP NOW! CAN YOU EXTREMELY HEAR ME?!"

Nothing. Tsuna didn't even stir.

Well, aside from that, a lot of other things happened. The windows shattered, the birds within a fifty-mile radius flew off, the doors fell off their hinges, and some poor soul who happened to be passing by immediately went deaf. The vibrations of his voice caused Tsuna's body to fall off his chair and hit the floor, considering the shouts were loud enough to cause vibrations that would rate a 2 on the Richter Scale.

The Guardians let go of their precious ears, though they still winced at the volume when the Sun Guardian was shouting. "...Nothing," I said quietly.

This time, Lambo stepped up. "Let me try something." He held up his hand, which held his Lightning ring. Sparks started coming off of it, and he went over to Tsuna's unconscious body.

He rubbed both hands together, and the sparks became larger. "CLEAR!" He pressed his hands against Tsuna's chest, and the shock traveled though his body, singeing his hair and clothes. Lambo did this a few more times before Gokudera pulled him away. "I think that's enough," he stated.

Tsuna was twitching, but he wasn't yet awake. I refrained from bursting into laughter.

This time, Chrome stepped forward. "I...I'd like to try something," she timidly said. I nodded, and she came forth. I started wracking my brain for what Chrome could possibly do.

She pulled out a sock, which looked like it was emitting purple fumes.

Good job, Chrome!

"What...is that?" Gokudera questioned.

"It's one of Ken's socks, which was dipped into Miss Bianchi's Poison Cooking," she quietly replied. The stench started spreading throughout the room, and the Guardians started gagging, while Gokudera had already barfed.

Five stars, Chrome. Five stars.

She dangled the sock dangerously close to Tsuna's nose. "Bossu should wake up from the horrible smell..."

But, of course, he didn't.

Chrome noticed this, and I wondered if she was going to try anything else. This is getting boring...and repulsive...

It was then that she shoved the sock into Tsuna's mouth.

Silence. Silence and gaping.

...You're officially the most awesome person in this world.

The upper part of her face was shadowed, but one could see a dangerous glint in her eye. She continued shoving it down his throat.

"Please wake up, Bossu..." Despite the innocent tone, she looked absolutely psychotic. Her face became normal once again when she felt Mukuro pull her away from Tsuna.

"Kufufu, I think that's enough, my dear Chrome," he said with a frightened look on his face. He never thought his precious Nagi would go that far...

Chrome merely nodded, and kept the horrid sock. Mukuro turned to Tsuna.

"Kufufu, my turn." Immediately, Gokudera and Yamamoto were in front of Tsuna's body. Mukuro sighed, knowing what they were thinking.

"I won't possess him. In Tsunayoshi's state of perpetual unconsciousness, it's possible that if I try to possess him, I'll be locked into a similar state. I'd rather not take the chance," he declared. The two Guardians became convinced, and parted for Mukuro to pass through.

He lifted his trident up, and then...

...he shoved that down Tsuna's throat. Pointy-side up, of course.

He started the motion of pulling it up and down vigorously. Gokudera, after recovering from shock, shouted at the illusionist.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU MIST BASTARD?!" Mukuro looked back at them, his eyes dancing in mirth.

"Kufu, I just thought that if I simulated a blow job, Tsunayoshi would wake up~!" He said this while he continued shoving his trident up and down Tsuna's throat, much like one would churn butter.

"YOU PERVERTED PINEAPPLE PEDOPHILE PRICK! GET AWAY FROM JUUDAIME!" Gokudera screamed.

"...m..."

They heard Tsuna mumble, and they started thinking that it was working.

Pft. Yeah, right. It's just an involuntary response.

"...Shove it in harder," Gokudera declared. Mukuro happily complied, and they could see Tsuna's hands start to ball up into fists.

"It's working!" Yamamoto exclaimed. They saw Tsuna's eyes tighten, and they thought they were on the verge of waking him up.

"...uhn...Ughn...!" Tsuna let out an orgasmic moan, and everyone stopped in their tracks. I mentally snickered once again, wondering what they would do.

"...Shove it in harder."

I nearly choked on air at Yamamoto's statement. Did I die and go into comedy heaven?

Oh, wait, no, it was my dream. Right.

I decided to make them stop, lest Tsuna loses all sensation in his mouth and throat. "Stop it. Maybe we should try something else..." I purposely trailed off, and Mukuro pulled his trident out of Tsuna's mouth.

This time, Hibari took a step forward. I nodded towards the others to leave him alone. I expected him to pull out his tonfas, but something else happened entirely.

He kicked Tsuna right between his legs. Hard.

He continued to do this process, each kick stronger than the last, eventually he pulled out his tonfas and started biting the unconscious Tsuna to death.

Eventually, he started laughing like a maniac, so we pulled him away before Tsuna could look any bloodier. I made a tired sigh escape my lips. "This is like trying to wake up Sleeping Beauty..."

Everyone looked at each other like they just struck gold. Of course they'd come to that crack-pot solution. They're f***ed-up like that.

And so, they spent the next thirty minutes fighting about who should get Tsuna's first kiss. Eventually, while the rest were still fighting, Hibari gave it a go. Nothing happened, so this was followed by Gokudera, then Yamamoto, then Mukuro (who kept on doing it until we pulled him away), then Lambo, then Chrome, then Ryohei.

Of course, nothing happened. I was mentally laughing my ass off at this point.

Gokudera frowned. "Nothing happened." Of course nothing happened. To be awakened by a kiss? Seriously?

I bit down on my index finger, pretending to be anxious. "It didn't work, huh?" I said quietly. "Maybe it should be the way it was originally done...?"

Yamamoto shot me a confused look. "Originally done?"

I nodded. "Originally, the princess didn't wake up due to a kiss. Disney just revised it so that it would be kid-friendly and more romantic. What actually happened was that the princess was raped in her sleep, and woke up due to childbirth." Everyone looked at each other again, they same way they did before.

Really? That gullible?

"Pull his pants down."

After they did so, they started arguing about who should take Tsuna's virginity. While they did this, I crept over to Tsuna, bent over, and whispered into his ear.

"Awaken, Neo Vongola Primo."

Slowly, he began to stir. He sat up and i left the room just before then. I watched the rest of the events on a computer monitor. I had a full-blown evil/sadistic Chesire Cat grin, which could rival Mukuro's, Byakuran's and Belphegor's all combined times the number of times you'll ever breathe.

Tsuna gazed at his surroundings, and his current state, and the Guardians suddenly realized what they had done.

They damaged property.

Which meant more repair work.

Which meant more paperwork.

Which meant an angry Tsuna.

The Mafia boss' eyes narrowed into a deadly glare set upon his Guardians, irises blazing orange. Pure amounts of killing intent were rolling off of him, and I could actually see it on the monitor.

"Now," his voice was low, and definitely dangerous. "Why is the carpet wet, the windows shattered, the door off its hinges, my mouth full of a disgusting taste, my hair and clothes singed, my body beaten and bruised, and my pants down?!"

Everyone cringed, and had dread written on their face. They couldn't even say anything; they were gaping like fish out of water.

More like fried fish in a few minutes.

A Sky flame erupted on Tsuna's head, and his Guardians immediately made a run for the hills. Tsuna made chase, and I was laughing like an evil genius.

Which I am.

Slowly, my laughs died down into snickers. After I was sure they wouldn't come back for a while, I pressed the button which would stop recording the events that were taking place in that room.

That's right. I recorded the entire incident, except for the scene when I drugged Tsuna.

I saved the video, then went onto YouTube.

I burst into an evil fit of laughter once again.

"Die, pineapple!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

*splat*

And that's all for now, minna! I hope you enjoyed!

By the way, in the previous chapter, the first part was a spoof of one of the chapters of The Product of Experimentation.I was originally going to spoof it all, but I lost interest halfway.

Thanks for Reading~