Chekov was in the mess hall standing line waiting to get something to eat. While he stood there he thought about what he had almost done earlier on the bridge, after Kelly's father had called.
The ship had been travelling through the nebula for a few hours and in another 15 minutes it would have reached the other side. The course shouldn't have been a problem, even with all the dangers the route wasn't as dangerous as some places they had travelled through. With a well trained crew and careful calculations it was almost as easier than some academy training exercises. The bridge crew especially Sulu, Chekov and Spock who had the most crucial jobs at the moment was focused on the task.
Chekov was tired, exhausted. He had trouble concentrating, and was trying to keep himself alert until they were out of the nebula, then his shift would be over. Sulu looked over at him as he yawned and asked "you okay?. Chekov nodded and glanced down at his console, he noted the data Spock was feeding them from the science console and plotted a course correction to avoid the black hole they were nearing. Black holes normally wouldn't have been that great a threat, but with there damaged shields and engines and reduced warp capacity, if the ship got to close it was quite possible they would be drawn into the event horizon.
Seconds after Chekov had fed the course correction to the helm; Chekov heard Sulu curse under his breath and turned his head slightly to see the helmsman quickly typing a command into his console. Chekov turned back to his console trying to figure out what was going on; nobody else on the bridge was reacting with alarm. He stared at his screen for a moment before he realized that Sulu had changed the course from the coordinates Chekov had given him. The course Chekov had plotted would have taken them directly into the black hole. Chekov turned ashen as he realized he had almost killed everybody on the ship. Sulu glanced at him after he had corrected the course, but didn't say anything. Sulu turned back to his console after a moment and the rest of the shift passed without event, although Chekov noted that Sulu had checked every course plot Chekov had given him before implementing it after that.
Chekov knew he would have never made such a large and almost fatal mistake if he hadn't been so tired, but ever since Kelly had died, He couldn't sleep, he didn't want to eat. All he could do was exist, each moment of everyday turning itself into an almost unbearable agony. After his shift was over, he would wander the ship's decks for hours walking restlessly from place to place then moving on, as each brought back a memory. Several times during the day he would turn thinking he heard someone, and would see Kelly standing there sometimes her face was smiling;often times he saw her as she had looked when she died. Her face was pale and scared; blood soaked her clothes, the shard of metal protruded from her chest.
Somebody passed with a tray laden with food a whiff of something travelled across to his nose, and it reminded him of one of Kelly's favourite foods. It was something that she had teased him into tasting, and he had thought it tasted okay but had politely declined a second bite. Now the smell of it made him feel physically sick. The line had moved up, he ordered something to eat without paying attention to what it was. It all tasted like nothing and settled in his stomach like a lead ball. The only reason he ate at all was because Dr. McCoy had looked at him two days ago, and said he looked like he had lost several pounds and threatened to drag him to sick bay for a check-up.
As he turned away from the line searching for a deserted table, he saw Kelly standing next to him; he nearly dropped the tray he was holding. He stopped moving and stared at her pale face and ruined uniform, somebody bumped into him.
"Hey kid, get out of the way" a voice said behind him. He moved, and glanced back at where Kelly had been, the spot was empty.
Was he going crazy?
He didn't know the answer to that question, and he wasn't sure he cared.
XXXX XXXX
"I need to know"
Chekov looked up from his plate of picked-at food and into Ensign Tanner's face, the girl who had been Ensign Kelly's best friend. The girl was tall with blond hair, her face was long and angular, and she was widely regarded by most of the male crew as very beautiful, she was also prone to hysterics. At the memorial ceremony she had dissolved into tears and refused to be comforted. She had wailed and moaned for what seemed like hours. Now, she sat down in the chair opposite Chekov and said "You were there. I need to know how she died."
Chekov looked at her uncomfortably; he didn't want to tell her. He didn't want to relive it himself. "I can't-"he began.
" Please, she was my best friend" The girl said tears welling in her eyes as she reached across the table to grasp his hand. Chekov gulped painfully past the lump in his throat as he looked at her, his own eyes burning.
Tanner knew the story the rest of the crew did, Chekov didn't want to tell her the truth, but he couldn't bring himself to tell the lie that everybody assumed was real. He cleared his throat, and looked down at the table, away from her pleading eyes. "We were in a shuttle—"he began and slowly, painfully he told what had really happened. As he finished he looked back up. She stared at him her face was angry? Accusing?
"She was alive? You left her there and she was alive" Tanner said loudly, anger present in her voice.
"I tried to free her, I couldn't get her out" He said the words sounding weak even to his own ears.
"You left her there" She whispered angry tears flowing down her cheeks." You left her" As Tanner's voice rose people in the mess hall turned and looked at them.
"I didn't…I tried-" he began.
"No, you didn't" said another voice
Chekov turned around. Lieutenant Roth was standing behind him and had apparently been listening in.
"You left her there to die" Roth said, enjoying the look on Chekov's face.
"I didn't leave her. I tried to get her out." Chekov said his voice breaking angrily, and yet almost pleading.
"you didn't try. You're a typical Russian you saw that shuttle was about to blow it was you or her and you left her there." Roth said loudly, a cruel look on his face;the noise level in the mess hall had dropped abruptly as the crew members assembled there watched the scene before them.
"I didn't" Chekov repeated, his voice was almost a whisper.
"You got cold feet, and left her, you didn't give a damn about her as long as-"
Before Roth could say another word, Chekov had laid into him knocking the Lieutenant to the floor. Chekov was vaguely aware of a crowd surrounding them, but he didn't care. He wanted to kill Roth. Lieutenant Roth was fully unprepared for the ensign's attack or Chekov's fury and was barely able to offer any resistance.
The fight only came to an end when somebody bodily removed Chekov from Lieutenant Roth.
Roth looked up from where was on the ground and said through a mouthful of blood from a broken nose.
"He's f-ing crazy!"
Chekov strained against the security guards holding him and shouted "Иди На Xуй!" at the prostrated Roth.
"That's enough you two "one of the security guards holding Chekov said jerking him back.
But Roth wasn't finished, he spat out the mouthful of blood and pulled himself up, saying "I wouldn't have left her there Chekov, she wouldn't be dead if she was my girlfriend, - I wouldn't have been such a f—ing coward"
With a roar Chekov lunged at Roth, straining to break from the guards grip and succeeded in ripping one of his arms free. Roth backed up, for the first time he looked scared.
"Damn it! For God sakes somebody restrain him, he's insane " Roth said nervously.
The security guards got a grip on Chekov and before he could break entirely free, they slammed him down to the floor twisting his arms behind his back. Still Chekov fought them, swearing and yelling like a crazed animal. The two guards strained to hold the thrashing ensign down. Ensign Tanner was in the background saying repeatedly "oh my god, Oh my god." Roth was for once, thankfully silence as he pinched the bridge of his bloody nose.
Noise broke out from the surrounding crew at the commotion, but the words didn't make sense, it was just a mass of noise. Chekov continued struggling to get up, until he heard the noise surrounding him dim.
"Let him up" a quiet voice said from above him.
"But, sir he's-" one of security guards said.
"Let him up Johnson…Vilk" The voice repeated, just as quietly.
Slowly Chekov felt the pressure lessen and the security guards let him stand up .They nervously positioned themselves between Chekov and Roth providing a physical barrier against any further altercations. One of the guards held onto his arms and as Chekov tried to move his hands he felt a wrenching pain in his shoulders and realized that they had restrained his arms behind his back.
"Free his hands" Chekov looked around for who had spoken and saw Dr. McCoy
"Sir, I can't do that."
"Damn it, Johnson free his hands."
The security guard hesitated, and then complied, nervously watching Chekov as he did so.
"Sir we still have to take him to the brig" Vilk said.
"No you don't, he's going to sickbay" Dr. McCoy said.
"Sir, he was assaulting an officer, by Starfleet regulations, I have the authority and obligation to-"
"And I have goddamn medical authority, that usurps your little power trip" Dr. McCoy said becoming angry and losing the little patience he had. First he had to deal with his damn ex wife, now he had to deal with some young man's overinflated ego.
"Sir, I'll have to check with my superior about—" began one of the guards.
"You check with your goddamn superior, you check with whoever you damn well please, but he's coming with me. He's a patient and I'm taking charge of his care under the power given to me as CMO. Go see what your regulations say on that!" Dr. McCoy yelled at the security guard daring him to challenge the decision.
The security guards stared at Dr. McCoy but for several seconds made no answer before they nodded tersely at the doctor.
"I can't believe this! " Roth said looking from the McCoy to security to Chekov and back."I'm pressing charges, that little sh- tried to kill me" Roth said "and you're taking up for him, he's a f-king lunatic"
The security guards hands tightened on Chekov, as they felt his body tense.
McCoy looked at the ensign praying he wouldn't start attacking Roth again and force him to sedate the boy. "You'd better shut the hell up" McCoy said angrily as he turned and glared at Roth. "Everybody in here heard what you said, you should count yourself likely that nobody's hauling you a- to the brig."
Lieutenant Roth quieted under McCoy's glare. All the mess hall was watching the display and the entire room was quiet. The only sound breaking the silence was Lieutenant Roth and Chekov's ragged breathing.
"Come on, son" McCoy said laying a hand Chekov's shoulders, he felt the ensign almost jerk away at his touch before he moved, the security guards released his arms and stepped back clearing the way for the ensign. The crowd of crew surrounding them broke apart and Dr. McCoy left the mess hall, with Chekov following, anger mixed with guilt showed on the ensign's face.
XXXX XXXX
Chekov sat quietly as the doctor repaired the split skin on his knuckles and the cuts on his face.
McCoy grumbled to himself as he set about his work. "I'm writing a report that's going to say that you had a severe reaction to stress and I'm also filing a report against Lieutenant Roth for verbal assault and instigating an altercation, that a—hole has got away with too many things too many times with too many people." McCoy had finally realized who had beat up the ensign the time he had walked into sickbay, almost two weeks earlier, when McCoy had forced his way through the crowd gathered around the fight and heard the words Chekov was yelling laced with profanity as he hit Lieutenant Roth.
McCoy bandaged the ensign's knuckles, so the new skin would have time to strengthen, noting that Chekov stared straight ahead like he hadn't heard a word he said.
"Chekov, I understand that Ensign Kelly died and you were very close to each other, but you can't go around attacking people" McCoy said " Roth's an a-, and a bully but if you act like this you'll wind up being kicked off the Enterprise."
The young Russian sat mutely; he avoided the doctor's gaze.
"I want you to know that it's okay if you want to talk about what happened, maybe it'll help you come to terms with Kelly's death."
Chekov stared at the floor in stony silence, a muscle twitched in his jaw; he was clenching and unclenching his other fist.
McCoy tried again to get through to the ensign "you're taking Kelly's death hard—"
"No I'm not. I'm fine" Chekov yelled angrily cutting the doctor off , ripping his hand free from McCoy's attempt to finish bandaging it, and sliding off the exam table "I'm fine you can leave me alone, you and everybody else can chust leave me the hell alone! Okay, I'm fine!"
"No you're not". The doctor said unperturbed. After he had calmly waited for the outburst to end he continued. "Your temper's frayed .You haven't been getting much sleep, and, you're tired. I'm going to give you something to help you sleep. Then, I want you to go to your quarters and get some rest and I want you to come and see me tomorrow"
The doctor waited until the ensign calmed down and wearily agreed to do as McCoy said, he shook two pills out of an almost full bottle into another container. He was about to pass the container to the boy and dismiss him when he heard the sickbay door open , he glanced up and sighed angrily, standing there framed in the door was a security guard , and not just anyone it was the head of security. McCoy glanced at Chekov, the ensign was staring dully at the floor, and he looked back at the security chief who was looking around the sickbay like he was searching for someone. The security chief sighted Chekov and began moving towards the ensign pulling a set of restraints from his back pocket as he did so. McCoy swore underneath his breath and moved to head the guard off. He walked over to the man and they began having an animated argument, as it grew louder McCoy gestured for the man to go into his office. He followed him in and shut the door.
Several minutes later, McCoy exited followed out by the man who carried a data tablet and looked somewhat satisfied. The security guard began walking towards the door. McCoy looked at the man with distaste. The guard was utterly single minded, he had been determined to drag Chekov to the brig at all cost, only the promise of a long report and an explanation of McCoy's suspicions about Roth had gotten the man off his case. The security guard had left with plans to look into Roth's activities as of late and claimed that if McCoy's assumptions were true than Roth was in serious trouble. , McCoy doubted whether that would come to anything, Roth was the son of a rich, prominent admiral, and nothing short of mass murder would likely get that kid into serious trouble.
McCoy was thoroughly flustered, by his conversation with security guard and he was still concerned about his daughter. His mind was elsewhere. He moved back to Chekov who was still seated on the exam table where he had left him, looking lost. He grabbed the bottle of pills he had left sitting on the tray, not noticing the contents and gave them to Chekov. Then he dismissed him.
XXXX XXXXX
Chekov didn't go back to his quarters; he knew his roommate would probably still be there. Instead he wandered around the ship, avoiding people. He was sitting on the floor of the cold observation deck, staring off into space. This had been Kelly's favourite place to come, she was perfectly content to sit there and watch the stars flash by as warp turned them into streaks of white across a black canvas. The place brought back memories and he couldn't get away from them. He didn't even try anymore.
Chekov shivered in the cold air, Scotty and the rest of engineering had rerouted the majority of life support to the central parts of the ship to conserve power. Chekov didn't move to somewhere warmer; he felt he deserved the punishment, and beside the coldness that he felt outside was nothing compared to the coldness he felt inside.
After a few minutes of sitting there, Chekov became aware of someone near him. He glanced to his side and saw that it was Kelly. He watched as she settled down next to him. He starred at her for a long moment. Kelly was only a foot away, but Chekov knew that if he tried to touch her nothing would be there. He realized he was slowly losing his grip on reality. He couldn't figure out whether the reason he kept seeing her was sleep deprivation or because he was becoming insane, but it didn't matter to one part of him which one it was anymore. He just wanted to see Kelly again.
The other part of him was scared and horrified by her image. He tried to assert some reality by saying "you're not real" but the words were hesitant.
Kelly just smiled at him and said "does it matter?"
Chekov stared at her for a few seconds, and then shook his head mutely. He turned away. They both sat there for several minutes.
Then Kelly turned to him and said "I know it's getting late, but can we stay here a while? Chekov will you stay with me?"
"Sure, I von't leave you alone" Chekov said quietly thinking about how he had left her alone back on the shuttle.
Kelly smiled trustingly at him and said "I love you Chekov."
Chekov didn't say anything he was thinking of how he had never said the same to her.
"Chekov... are you talking to somebody?" A voice said uncertainly from behind him. Chekov turned and saw Sulu standing behind him.
Sulu had come searching for Chekov after he had heard about the fight in the mess hall. After searching for over an hour and a half, Sulu had finally found his him. When he neared the Russian he had heard the soft murmur of a voice, as the ensign spoke. As Sulu drew walked closer he had realized with a start, that Chekov was alone.
Sulu had watched as Chekov glanced repeatedly to his side, almost like he saw someone there. Something was very wrong. When Chekov had gotten back from T'karis, he had been withdrawn, barely speaking to anybody and avoiding people. Sulu knew that Chekov had almost died on that planet and that his girlfriend Kelly had, but if anybody asked him Chekov would say that he was fine or everything was okay. Sulu knew it wasn't. He knew that after the ensign completed his bridge shift, he would leave and go off by himself. Sulu had tried numerous times to bring him back from wherever he had retreated to, but whenever he tried to get Chekov to do anything, the boy would say he didn't feel like it or was busy. But Sulu had glimpsed the Ensign numerous times after he had made excuses, not doing anything but wandering aimlessly across the ship late into the night.
Chekov stared up at him now, his face was gaunt. He didn't say anything he just stared at Sulu emptily. He looked incredibly tired, like he hadn't slept well in weeks. Sulu thought about the mistake Chekov had made on the bridge and knew that it would never had happened if he hadn't been so fatigued.
Sulu asked "is it okay if I sit here?"
Chekov shrugged like he didn't really care and turned away to stare out the observation deck window.
Chekov knew that Sulu had come because he was worried about him, but Chekov didn't care, he just wished the helmsman would leave. There was nothing Sulu could do to make him feel better because there was nothing, Sulu could do that would bring Kelly back.
It was silent for several minutes before Sulu said "Chekov, you can't keep punishing yourself for Kelly dying."
What's he talking about Chekov? He says I'm dead! Kelly asked Chekov.
Chekov glance at Kelly who was sitting between him and Sulu, but he couldn't bring himself to answer her, so he said to Sulu "I'm not punishing myself , I chust vant to be alone for avhile"
"You're alone almost all the time Chekov, you spend every chance you get by yourself. You avoid people. You haven't been yourself." Sulu said
Chekov said tiredly "leave me alone Sulu"
"I'm not leaving you alone, somebody needs to help you. Chekov you nearly made a mistake on the bridge that could have killed all of us."
Chekov looked at Sulu and the helmsman saw his guilty expression and said "I didn't come here to blame you Chekov, I came here because you need to take care of yourself ,come on go back to your quarters and get some sleep."
Chekov turned away and muttered "I don't vant to go to sleep". The dreams he had, had gotten worse and every night since Kelly had died, if he allowed himself to sleep he awoke to nightmares.
"Well, eat something. You haven't eaten have you?"
"I'm not hungry."
Sulu said "okay if you aren't hungry or tired, then let's go to Havarii and Musgrave's reception, almost the whole ship will be there."
Chekov shook his head and continued staring out the window. Sulu continued talking trying to persuade the ensign to leave the cold deserted observation deck. Halfway through Sulu's one-sided conversation, Chekov turned to look at him and appeared to be listening intently. Sulu didn't realize that Chekov was looking at him , but at Kelly. He didn't realize Chekov was listening to her.
Finally Chekov said loudly "Eet's okay! I'll stay with you. I von't leave you alone." Sulu stopped mid-sentence and watched as Chekov stared at empty space looking anguished. Kelly had been begging him to stay while Sulu had been talking.
Kelly continued, pleading like she hadn't heard Chekov's statement. "Please, Chekov you said you wouldn't leave me. Let's just stay here .Don't go .Don't leave me alone"
"I'll stay here vith you all right, okay? I promise, I promise I von't leave you" Chekov said desperately as Kelly started to cry.
As Sulu, watched Chekov attempt to console empty air, he realized that he had been right at first when he suspected that Chekov was talking to somebody else. He was quite worried but tried to be calm as he said "Chekov, come on let's go back to your cabin, and you can get some sleep, or maybe we can stop by sickbay and –"
Chekov, stared at Sulu then back at Kelly. Sulu and Kelly were both talking to him at the same time and Kelly was pleading with tears running down her face for him to stay and Sulu was telling him to leave her. Chekov couldn't take it.
Chekov was talking half to Sulu and half to Kelly , when he yelled "Don't you understand! I'm not going anyvhere, I'm not leaving her. I'm not leaving you. I von't leave you alone. I'm not leaving L—" Chekov stopped as he realized what he was saying.
Sulu finished quietly "Leah?" Chekov didn't say anything, but Sulu knew he was right and understood why Chekov had seemed so distracted while he had been talking to him.
Sulu said concernedly "Chekov, Leah's ... not here anymore. She's gone; you've got to accept that."
Chekov shook his head violently at Sulu's words. He had seen Kelly die, but she was sitting here talking to him. It didn't make sense. Chekov knew his grasp on reality was slipping, he knew it had been for days, but he couldn't agree with what Sulu had said.
"Chekov whether you want to accept it or not she's dead" Sulu said gently. He added quietly almost to himself. "It's the hardest thing in the world...but you have to let them go."
Kelly asked hysterically "what is he saying, Chekov why is he saying that!"
Chekov couldn't bear her frightened questions and he more than half didn't agree with what Sulu was saying himself.
Chekov shouted at his best friend "you're lying, you're a damn liar. She's not, she's not, don't say that!"
"It's true Chekov; she's gone... she's not coming back." Sulu said kindly realizing that Chekov was perilously close to the breaking point, but Sulu couldn't reinforce the ensign's delusion.
At Sulu's last statement Kelly stood up and faded away. Chekov stared at where she had disappeared then rounded on Sulu furiously. He stood up and said "she's not dead!She can't be!"
Sulu stood up also, he saw how furious the Russian was but couldn't agree with him, instead he said "She, wouldn't want you to fall apart like this ... She's gone... let her go."
At Sulu's words Chekov's face twisted into an expression of pure insane rage. Before Sulu could move, Chekov swung on Sulu. Sulu's quick reflexes saved him from a blow that would have broken his jaw. Sulu dodged out the way, as Chekov attacked him, he tried to manoeuvre himself into a position where he could restrain the ensign without injuring them both in the process.
Chekov wasn't concerned about who he injured, he was enraged and beyond caring as he lashed out in any way he knew how.
Sulu was vaguely surprised with the expertise Chekov displayed. When they had sparred together Chekov had been skilful, but it was nothing like the deadly proficiency that anger had unleashed. Chekov used a mixture of various alien techniques as he did his best to kill or at least seriously injure Sulu.
The fight was mostly one sided as Sulu tried to subdue the ensign without hurting him and Chekov showed no such restraint. Sulu swore loudly as he got a grip on Chekov and the boy broke the grip and punched him in the stomach. Chekov then twisted around and kicked Sulu hard in the kidneys, knocking the helmsman to his knees.
Sulu had, had enough. Before Chekov, could use the opportunity he had, Sulu got to his feet. As the ensign blindly rushed him, in a rage, he swept his feet out from under him. Sulu then pinned him to the deck, Chekov tried to buck Sulu off, and generally refused to be held down. Sulu knew that if he let him up as he was now, he would renew his attack. Sulu was having difficulty containing his own temper now. Chekov snarled something at him in Russian, then spat in Sulu's face. As Sulu's grip slackened slightly Chekov tried to free his arms. Sulu let him get an arm free , but before he could resume his attack, Sulu hit him across his face as hard as he could, several times.
The blows did what nothing else had; Chekov stopped fighting and seemed to come back to himself. Sulu waited several moments waiting to see what Chekov was going to do. Chekov glared at Sulu and panted "let me up."
Sulu eased up slightly, and when Chekov showed no sign of going berserk he got completely off him and stood up.
Chekov regained his feet and they both stood staring at each other. Chekov had fresh bruises on his face, a split lip and his nose was broken. Blood trickled down his face.
Sulu was sore all over and knew from the twinges going through his chest as he moved that he probably had a broken rib or two.
Chekov felt guilty as he saw Sulu wincing and realized that he had attacked his best friend. The anger faded leaving guilt and shame behind.
Chekov said "I'm sorry Sulu". He couldn't meet the helmsman's eyes and instead stared at the ground as he dabbed his bleeding nose with a sleeve.
Sulu was still angry himself but he said "It's cool Chekov" He saw that Chekov was still feeling guilty so he added "it's fine really."
Chekov looked up at him and Sulu saw tears in his eyes as he said "Eet's not. Nothing's fine. I feel so guilty... Sulu... Leah vas—" Chekov stopped talking, he was unable to continue.
Sulu thought he understood what was bothering Chekov so he said "Chekov , you had to leave her behind. She was already dead. There was nothing you could have done to save her."
Chekov stared at Sulu and swallowed; he couldn't bring himself to admit the truth. Sulu only knew that story that almost the entire crew did, apparently Tanner and Roth hadn't told anybody else what Chekov had said yet. Chekov had done nothing to refute McCoy's assumption of how Kelly had died and when he had been debriefed it had been easier to go along with the assumption than admit the truth.
But the truth was eating away at him.
Chekov felt miserable; he was angry with himself and ashamed of what he had done both to Kelly and Sulu.
Sulu saw his expression and walked over to Chekov he tentatively placed a hand on his young friend's shoulder and said gently "It's not your fault she died, there was nothing you could have done to save her."
Something about the sureness and finality in which Sulu said the words angered Chekov further. Chekov shook Sulu's hand off, then glared up at his friend, Sulu thought we was about to attack him again but instead Chekov snarled furiously "f—k off!". Then he stormed away, leaving Sulu standing on the observation deck staring after him.
XXXX XXXX
Uhura was about to exit her cabin, she had only a few minutes to get to the auditorium where Havarii and Musgrave's wedding would be held. She was typically punctual, but today she had dawdled. She didn't really want to go. There would be so many people there….and Spock would be there. She had been avoiding him every since they had gotten back from T'karis. She couldn't stand to be in his presence and yet she was torn, he was her husband she loved him. He reminded her of Silkar, and yet he comforted her. She couldn't begin to decipher the mass of emotions that filled her she did the best thing she felt for them both and stayed away.
She slowly pulled on her clothes and was trying to clasp the back of her dress uniform when she felt the soft brush of warm, almost feverish hot fingers, across the back of her neck and the uniform sealed up.
She spun around, jerking away from the touch. She had felt a familiar presence flicker at the corner of her mind as the warm skin had brushed her neck. "Spock " she gasped as she looked into his solemn face. He had entered her cabin quietly and her preoccupied mind hadn't noticed. She stared at him now, trying not to flinch away and said "Spock what are you doing?"
"I came to find you and you appeared to be having difficulty closing your uniform so I assisted you" Spock replied formally he raised a hand "on your neck there is a -" he reached out to brush something away and his hand made contact with her skin again. She closed her eyes. Images of Silkar flashed through her mind, her rational mind knew it was Spock touching her; irrationally his touch reminded her of Silkar.
"Spock, don't ...just …don't" Uhura said pulling away.
Spock dropped his hand and took a half-step back through the link they shared he could feel the pain his touch had caused her.
Uhura looked at him fighting back tears. She swallowed and said "I know that we were supposed to go together to the wedding and I said that would be okay, Spock but— I can't-" She broke off tears tumbling from her eyes against her will. Spock instinctively pulled her towards him, trying to comfort her. Gently he kissed her forehead. He stopped as he felt her stiffen in his arms. He could still feel her mind but it was more shielded now. He longed to mind meld with her and find out what was wrong, what had happened on T'karis, to fix her. He had even suggested a mind meld to her a few days ago and she had reacted with such anger and revulsion at the thought that he had let the subject drop.
Now, Uhura stepped several paces back from him. He let her go, allowing his arms to fall to his side.
"Nyota what's wrong " He said knowing that the words were extremely inadequate to phrase the level of his concern. She refused to look at him.
"Spock I need some time alone for awhile-" she looked up at him. He could see aversion and fear in her eyes at the sight of him.
"I would never do anything to hurt you." Spock said quietly.
"It's not you. I just need time alone Spock" she glanced away. She couldn't bear to look into his eyes, to see his face; it reminded her too much of Silkar. She couldn't bear the touch of his skin; the slightest brush was reminiscent of Silkar. His hands running along her, his hot breath against her face and neck. His harsh panting in her ear...
She shook herself and with a shuddering gasp pulled herself back to the present. "Can you go?" Uhura asked.
"Nyota please come—" Spock had moved closer. Uhura froze as he leaned down and she felt the slightest brush of his lips as he kissed her neck. She shivered and pushed him violently away.
Uhura shouted "I'll be there Spock, I just can't go with you! I can't stand to be around you!—" Uhura stopped as she realized what she had said.
Spock gazed at her, his face held the deepest expression of pain she had ever seen him display. He looked more grief stricken then he had, even when, his mother had died and his home planet had been destroyed. "Spock I'm so sorry " she whispered before rushing past him out of her cabin. The last glimpse she had of him was as he stared at her an expression of intense loss on his face. She felt the worse she had ever felt. She loved him more than anything and she had caused him more pain than anyone. She longed to go back and comfort him. She didn't
….because she couldn't stand to be in his presence a moment longer.
Next Update will be April 9th (with a two day margin either way) Specific questions for this chapter are what did you think of the scene with Chekov talking to Kelly? Do you think Spock and Uhura will be able to get over this or is their relationship irreparable? Thanks to the few people who reviewed and to my followers and favouriters. Enjoy!