A/N: Hello, lovely readers! It was my birthday on Wednesday, so to celebrate (belatedly), I'm putting up an extra chapter! And it's super-depressing! Just like getting older! Whee, what fun!
In all seriousness, though, the reactions to this story have been overwhelmingly positive, and that's the best birthday present I could have gotten. Thank you all so much! I hope you'll stick out the rest of the ride with me!
The song being referenced in this chapter is called "Love Makes the World Go 'Round" from Carnival. I highly recommend listening to it – not for the chapter, necessarily; it's just a good song.
And, as usual, the story and characters of Dragon Age, as well as some of the dialogue in this chapter, belong to Bioware. I'm just playing with them. We're also venturing into spoiler territory for Act II of Dragon Age 2 (not that we weren't already there, we're just going further in).
Enjoy!
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Chapter Eight
9:34 Dragon
Kirkwall
The first sign was when she began to hum a lively waltz as she sashayed around the estate: Love makes the world go 'round.
The second was that she stopped mentioning that her daughter should marry a suitable husband, with a small but pointed emphasis on suitable. She made more positive references to the elf she thought was courting her daughter.
We should have him over for dinner, she said, full of warm affection and concern. He's so skinny. I don't think he eats enough.
The third sign was a talk about courtship and marrying again.
No one could ever replace your father, she said, but it's nice to think I could still be courted at this age.
The final sign was a bouquet of white lilies and blind panic.
Where's Leandra? Gamlen barked, his eyes dark with concern.
She should have seen the signs.
Love makes the world go 'round.
I told you, I saw her! the urchin cried.
Where did she go? Gamlen demanded.
What will you give me for telling you?
She gave him silver.
He told her to follow the blood.
She set off on the trail, only barely hearing Gamlen call to her.
Take someone with you, girl! You'll get yourself killed!
It didn't matter.
Find Mother.
Follow the blood.
Alessa fell off the cot and made a limp heap on the floor.
Her hair was white.
Had it always been white?
Mharen... it's a pretty name, the note read.
Emeric had been looking for Mharen. It seemed she had been found.
Too late.
Much, much too late.
The portrait looked like Mother.
There were white lilies in a vase on the mantle.
She didn't stop to look at the books.
Maker, let me find her. she thought. Please.
Leandra was so sure you'd come for her, the mage said.
I don't want to hurt anyone. Just give me my mother and I'll go, she replied.
She is here, he crooned. She is waiting for you.
There was something seated behind him. He looked back at it.
Do you know what the strongest force in the universe is? he asked.
Love, he answered himself.
I pieced her together from memory. Her skin.
Alessa.
Her eyes.
Ninette.
Her delicate fingers.
Mharen.
And, at last, her face. Oh, this beautiful face.
Maker, no.
The Thing turned around.
It had Mother's face.
It slowly stumbled toward her.
It had Mother's face.
It wore a bridal gown and a veil and it had Mother's face.
There were bangs and flashes and noises and screams.
There were demons and abominations and shades.
There was blood seeping onto her hands.
There was a terrible silence.
Love makes the world go 'round.
She held a body that wasn't Mother's and looked into eyes that weren't Mother's. But it was Mother who spoke.
I knew you would come, Mother said.
You know me – I always save the day, she replied.
Mother said, That man would have kept me trapped in here. Now, I'm free. I'll be with Carver and Bethany and... your father. But you'll be all alone.
... Say hello to them for me, she said.
My little girl has become so strong. I love you. You've always made me so proud.
She sat with Mother, stroking the hair that wasn't hers, singing the song that was:
Love makes the world go 'round.
Love makes the world go 'round.
Somebody soon will love you
If no one loves you now.
High in some silent sky,
Love sings its silver song,
Making the earth whirl softly.
Love makes the world go 'round.
"Kaffas! You're bleeding," Fenris said.
Was she?
Hawke looked down at her arm and stomach, where everyone's eyes were currently locked.
Oh.
It seemed she was.
She looked around her. Apparently she was in the Hanged Man. When had she gotten there?
Her eyes eventually focused on her friends. They were all there, seated around Varric's table, in varying states of drunkenness: Anders, Aveline, Fenris, Isabela, Merrill, Sebastian and Varric... All of whom were now standing and wearing their concerned faces.
It was Wicked Grace night, Hawke dimly recalled.
"Hawke!" Fenris barked.
She turned her head to him. She didn't know why she was here. What was going on? Why was he angry with her?
Anders got up from his chair and healed her. She felt the warmth of the magic as much as she had felt the pain of the injuries.
"What. Happened," Fenris growled.
Hawke noticed desperation and fear in his voice.
"I had to find Mother," Hawke replied.
Why did Fenris look confused? Didn't he understand? It was simple enough.
Her friends argued for a few minutes. She wasn't paying attention.
A moment later, she was being escorted to Hightown by Aveline, Anders, and Fenris. She tried to walk out in front a few times, but they would always bring her back to a spot in between Aveline and Anders, with Fenris following behind.
She'd always been out front before. What was different now?
They brought her home. Anders examined her, healing a few more cuts and bruises, some of which were serious. Hawke hadn't noticed any of them.
"Will she be all right if we leave her?" she heard Aveline ask Anders.
"You and Fenris live in Hightown," he said, "and I can be here at a moment's notice if she needs anything. We need to find out what happened."
The door to her estate opened and shut.
Hawke mechanically changed into her house robe.
"Did you find her?" Gamlen asked.
"I'm sorry, Uncle," Hawke replied. "She's gone."
"You were right about the flowers and everything. I just can't believe she's gone," Gamlen choked. "Why her? Why Leandra?"
"Will knowing why ease the pain?" Hawke asked.
"No, it won't. It'll always feel senseless, won't it?" Gamlen snarled. "Where's the one who did this to her?"
"He won't hurt anyone else ever again."
"It won't bring Leandra back, but I'll take comfort in that, at least," he said, turning to leave. "I'll make the arrangements with the city guard to retrieve Leandra... Leandra's body."
Not just Mother's body.
Oh, Maker.
"Take care, my dear," Gamlen said as he left.
He'd never called her that before.
Whenever Hawke tried to think about Mother, the memories slipped away. The more she tried to hold onto them, the faster they went.
She couldn't see Mother anymore.
It was all her fault.
Andraste save her, it was all her fault.
The funeral was short and awkward.
Gamlen was there. He didn't say much to anyone.
Her friends were there. They said they were sorry for her loss. Merrill gave her a hug, and Isabela offered a swig from her flask. Hawke didn't take one.
All of the families who'd lost loved ones were there. Several of them came up to Hawke to thank her. She didn't know what they were thanking her for.
The Grand Cleric spoke about goodness, about sacrifice, about souls being sent to the Maker's side, and about honoring in life those who loved you before they died.
She didn't talk about Mother.
The bodies were burned and the ashes buried, just like any others.
"I don't know what to say, but I am here."
She knew he was there, standing awkwardly at the door to her bedroom, but she didn't look up.
"Am I to blame for not saving her?" she asked.
He took a few steps into her room.
"I could say no, but would that help?" he said, sitting next to her on the bed. "You want forgiveness, but I'm not the one who can give it to you."
The only one who could forgive her was Mother.
And Mother was dead.
The realization hit her like a fireball to the face.
Mother was dead.
Mother was dead and there was nothing Hawke could do about it.
She shattered, collapsing into Fenris's arms and giving the huge, heaving sobs of a lost, frightened, and utterly hopeless little girl.
She was the only Hawke left: Father, Carver, Bethany, and now Mother were all gone.
It had been her job to protect them. Father had asked her to, and she had failed.
She saw Carver being picked up by the ogre and smashed into the ground as if he were nothing more than a child's doll. She saw the ogre toss him aside the same way it had picked him up: without warning, preamble, or significance.
They had all pretended his death had had meaning: he fell in Mother's defense, and got to be the hero he had wanted to be. In reality, he had been an eighteen-year-old boy with so much life left to live and his death meant nothing to anyone but his family. It was a tragedy, not an inspiration.
She saw Bethany, her skin blackened with the darkspawn corruption. She saw her own dagger pierce Bethany's heart, precisely aimed so that Bethany would bleed out and her suffering would end in seconds.
A kind, innocent girl falling to the Blight was allowed to be a tragedy, at least. Somehow that didn't ease the pain.
She saw Mother. She would never be able to stop seeing it now: limp, dull hair; a scarred neck; and dim, grey eyes that weren't her own. She saw a sweet smile on a grotesque creature, a beautiful song in a haven of death, and words of love in the middle of horror.
She was the last Hawke.
Maker forgive her, she had failed them all.
After a moment, Fenris began to stroke her hair, holding her awkwardly while she cried, comforting her the only way he could.
High in some silent sky,
Love sings its silver song,
Making the earth whirl softly.
Love makes the world go 'round.