On Unions Civil and Otherwise

by Kita-Ysabell

Ten years have passed- ten years to the day- and when Utena and Anthy's engagement party goes somewhat awry, Saionji finds that some things are not so easily forgotten, and faces the bitter possibility that to make good his escape from Ohtori, he must rescue his oldest and closest friend- whether that friend wants to be rescued or not.

3. If You Were Honest

If you were honest, really totally honest, which you never are…

But you're trying, now, sitting on the airplane, only halfway pretending to be asleep. Sometimes you really are asleep.

But if you were being honest, you would admit that you have a pretty clear recollection of last night. You were drunk, sure, but not that drunk. If you'd been that drunk, you probably would have spent the night puking into a toilet.

And, if you were being honest, you would admit that, on some level, getting drunk was an excuse to do the things you'd always sort of wished you'd done. Not that you don't regret it, because you do. You regretted it while it was happening, even, just not enough to stop. And that was when you were drunk. You're sober now, and much more capable of cursing your own poor judgment.

So you were right, weren't you, when you used think the worst about yourself. All that time, acting like a saint, pretending that when you didn't, it was just a mistake, a momentary thing, telling yourself that you knew better. And after that, when you would go back and say it was all too harsh. But the whole time, you knew what a monster you really were.

No, you were too easy on yourself. Because if you were honest, you would admit that what happened last night wasn't just a matter of picking the wrong person, or losing your temper, or failing to live up to some ideal of virtuous chastity that you're pretty close to letting go of anyways. No, if you were being honest, you might realize that as much as you might regret the moral failings of getting drunk, of getting angry, and of, let's be honest, getting into bed with Touga, there was something worse.

And that's where you stop being honest. Even now, you're too weak to really face the truth. So you go back over the little things, over and over. You regret those. And maybe, if you regret it hard enough, it'll be enough, and you'll never have to admit that those are the little things. Because that would mean admitting that there's something to compare them to, something that isn't little.

Of course there isn't.