"You'll wanna watch your step – the basement connects to the sewer, and most of what Croc eats ends up down here, in one form or another," said Joker as he led Batman down through the tunnels below Arkham.
Harley let out a little shriek. "Ew…Mr. J, I think I just stepped in something nasty!" she whined.
Joker looked down. "That ain't anything nasty, pooh, it's just a dead rat."
"Ew! Mr. J!" she shrieked, jumping backward and landing in something else that squelched under her feet.
"Now that is something nasty, Harley," agreed Joker. "Jesus, Harl, you're even crap at walking. Get it?" he chuckled. "Cause you got crap on your feet now!"
Nobody else laughed, and Harley looked about to cry. Joker sighed. "All right, climb up, kiddo," he muttered, gesturing behind him. Harley squeaked happily and climbed up onto his back. He carried her piggyback style as they moved deeper into the tunnels.
"It's a pretty complex system of tunnels, but once you figure out the escape route, it's pretty easy to remember. Just find the river and follow it and it'll lead you straight out," explained Joker to Batman.
"So this is how you're always escaping from Arkham," murmured Batman.
"This is one way," agreed Joker.
"Well, how many are there?" asked Batman.
Joker looked puzzled for a moment. "Um…I've lost count really. Any idea, Harley girl?"
"At least five-hundred that we know of," replied Harley.
"What are some other routes?" asked Batman.
"Well, there's the vents, the laundry chute, the…" began Harley, but Joker suddenly slammed his head back into her face. "Ow! Whad da hell was dhad for?!" she demanded, cupping her bleeding nose with one hand while clinging onto him with the other.
Joker laughed. "Pumpkin pie, I'm surprised at you! We can't let Batsy in on all our secrets - it'd ruin the mystery! And there's no spark in a relationship without mystery, am I right? Anyway, he won't always be on our side. The last thing we want around here is tighter security."
"Yeah…dorry, Midah Day," she muttered, pinching her nose and holding her head back to stem the bleeding. "Guedd it was kinda a doohpid ding do do."
"Not surprising that you did it then, really, is it, pooh?" asked Joker. "My Harley girl's not known for being clever."
"Hey! I wad a docdor!" snapped Harley.
"Not a very good one if you don't even know how to stop a nosebleed," he muttered. "You lean forward, Harley, not back. Not on my shirt, you useless waste of space!" he shouted, as her nose dripped onto his uniform.
"Oh, calm down, puddin', I'll ged da blooddains oud like I alwayd do," muttered Harley. "Dhis ain'd even your nice duit, doh quid whining!"
"Bet you'll be glad to get back in the old Batsuit and outta this itchy uniform, eh, Batsy?" asked Joker, smiling. "They ain't the most flattering color, I'll grant you."
"Mostly I'll be glad when Ra's al Ghul is stopped and I know innocent people are safe," retorted Batman.
"For now," agreed Joker. "But not for long, hopefully! Where would be the fun in that?"
He laughed, and it echoed around the tunnels. The laughter mingled with a gentle roar, and a moment later, the river was in front of them. They followed it. "You know where this guy Ra's is hiding out?" asked Joker.
"Yes," retorted Batman. "At least, I know his general location. He shouldn't be too hard to track from there. He won't be expecting me to be looking for him, so he probably won't have moved."
"Ah, y'see, over-confidence," sighed Joker sadly. "It's every villain's downfall. You ever wonder, Batsy, why we don't just shoot you when we have the chance?"
"Yes," admitted Batman honestly.
"I duggeded dhad," muttered Harley. "And I god acid dhod ad me."
"And I think I explained to you at the time, Harley, not that you were listening, because you never do, because things go in one ear and out the other with you, because there's nothing in between your ears like a brain like most people have, that Batman's death must be nothing less than a masterpiece," snapped Joker. "The triumph of my sheer comic genius over his ridiculous mask and gadgets! No offense, Batsy, but some of your gadgets are ridiculous…"
"So it's not what you told the others at all," murmured Batman. "It's not that you don't want me dead. It's that you want you to be the one to do it, in your own time, in your own way."
Joker giggled. "Correctamundo! Well, I couldn't leave you to the Z-listers, could I? No, it's gonna be you and me in a battle to the death, one day. The greatest day of my life."
Batman looked at him. "Not today?" he asked quietly.
Joker grinned. "Not today," he murmured, nodding. "But someday. When you least expect it. But not today, because now you're thinking today is the day you'd least expect because I just confirmed it wasn't today, but it isn't today, it's another day you'd least expect…"
"Midah Day, you're giving me a headache!" snapped Harley.
"Yeah, me too," muttered Batman. He paused. "What's that light up ahead?"
Joker giggled. "Light at the end of a long tunnel? Maybe it is today after all, Batsy! Although more likely, it's the sun."
They headed toward the light, which was indeed the sun shining through a large pipe at the base of the tunnel, where the river flowed outside. Joker put Harley down and nodded. "There ya go, Bats. It'll put you out just outside of Gotham. I'm guessing you can find your way from there."
"Yeah," agreed Batman. He crouched down, and then turned back. "Thank you," he murmured.
Joker shrugged. "Just tell this Ra's al Ghul guy to lighten up for me, ok, Bats?"
"I…will," said Batman slowly. "I…um…" He struggled to think of something else to say, but gave up. "Thanks," he muttered again, nodding at both of them. Then he slipped through the pipe and was gone.
"Bye, Batsy!" called Joker, smiling and waving after him. He pretended to wipe a tear away. "Aw, they grow up so fast, don't they, Harley doll?" he sighed. He looked around sadly. "And the nest is just so empty without him!"
"Yeah…" agreed Harley, slowly, still holding her nose. She looked at him. "Aren'd we…uh…gonna edape doo, Midah Day?"
"Oh, God yes," retorted Joker. "I ain't spending any more time in this dump if Batsy ain't here to put a smile on my face. Time for us to fly the nest as well, my little turtledove. We just need to give Batsy enough of a head start to make it look like we ain't following him. But I wanna meet this Ra's al Ghul personally and see if I can't put a smile on his face too." He grinned. "A permanent one."