Thank you all for your reviews and for the general interest in this story. They're unexpected, gratifying and a little bit pressuring. I really hope I'm not going to disappoint your expectations.
Enjoy your reading!
The interview
Part 2
The morning after, Rachel wakes up from a night of tormented dreams with Finn's body pressed into hers. She has long lost the feeling of happiness, protection and excitement that comes with it and so she quickly stands up and goes in the bathroom to take a shower.
Under the pouring water she rethinks of Quinn's interview and tries to remember the little high school moments that could have made her aware of the girl's feelings for her.
Rachel remembers a frustrated Quinn telling her that she couldn't hate her for hoping to send her on her way; she remembers the reassuring hug the girl gave her when she was feeling sorry and guilty about her car accident; she remembers the bittersweet smile on Quinn's face the day of her wedding.
Were there adoration and love in Quinn's eyes whenever she looked at her? She honestly can't remember.
Rachel had learned to consider Quinn a friend after the bullying stopped, but she had never been sure about where she stood with the girl. She had surely felt valued for her talent and strong character but she had never felt loved.
Was Quinn keeping her at a distance because of her feelings?
She is still searching for answers in the past when she picks up her copy of 'The Lima Gazette' from the porch. A big bold title states 'Quinn comes out. "I was in love with Rachel Berry!"'.
It figures that Jacob Ben Israel had to make an eight-page special about Quinn's love confession and sexuality, and about her relationship with Rachel throughout high school.
Rachel scans the article and gets sick at Jacob's interpretation of their history. No one can understand what passed through them; no one was ever present to their most heartfelt moments. And considering how unexpected Quinn's declaration was, clearly not even Rachel truly understood all their interactions.
She is contemplating throwing the newspaper away but then she realizes that it is the easiest way to let Finn know about it.
When she goes back in the house, her husband is coming down the stairs – still in his boxers and shirt but freshly shaven – and smiling at her.
"Good morning!"
"Morning!" Rachel replies. She quickly enters the kitchen, throws the paper on the counter and starts making breakfast.
Finn follows her and takes a sit. She can hear him take the paper and unfold it.
"What's this?" Finn asks after a moment. "Do you know what this is about?"
Rachel starts the coffee machine and turns to her husband who is holding the newspaper in the air.
"Nothing. Quinn was at The Tommy Thomson Show last night. She was asked if she's ever been in love and she said that she was in love with me back in high school," she explains with dryness.
Finn looks at the title again. "That must be a joke. I mean, Quinn is not even gay!"
Rachel sighs loudly. "I really don't think she was joking, Finn. No one comes out for fun in Hollywood."
"But how? Come on, don't tell me you believe this. She bullied you. She was never that happy to be your friend. She fought with you over me!"
Rachel can't blame Finn; her relationship with Quinn was complicated. "She really was my friend, Finn. And I do believe her."
"Why? I mean, has she ever been kind to you?" Finn inquires.
Rachel doesn't answer him; he won't understand. Actually, they shouldn't even be talking about this, about something that Quinn – someone who is no longer part of their life - has said in a stupid interview.
She just turns her back to Finn and finds two mugs for the coffee. She then retrieves the milk from the fridge and puts it on the gas ring, while her husband reads the article.
"This is bullshit," Finn says closing the gazette angrily. "Quinn was probably asked to say this by her agents. You know, to get all the media attention about her supposed gayness or to win over lesbian fans everywhere."
Rachel gets angry at his words. "Is it that impossible for you to believe that Quinn loved me?"
Finn does not offer an immediate answer.
"God, she did love me," Rachel is now screaming. "She was the only one to rightfully tell me I shouldn't have married you!"
"What are you saying, Rachel?" Finn springs from his sit making the stool fall on the floor. "You wanted to marry me. Quinn was just being stupid."
At that moment Andrew pokes his head in the kitchen. "Why are you yelling?" He timidly asks.
Finn sends a furious gaze at her wife and leaves the kitchen. Rachel tries to calm herself and looks remorseful at her son.
"It's nothing, honey." She kisses the top of his head and lifts the fallen chair. "Sit here!"
Rachel moves to pour chocolate covered cornflakes and the heated milk in a batman bowl. "Here, have your breakfast!"
She pours herself a cup of coffee and when Andrew has finished his cereals she goes upstairs with him to help him get ready for kindergarten.
When they come back downstairs Finn – in his blue overalls – is already at the door waiting for his son.
"Bye, mom!" Andrew kisses Rachel goodbye.
"Have a nice day, honey!"
Rachel looks at Finn, who is still clearly upset.
"I'll be home late," is all he says as he closes the door behind him.
-x-
As soon as Finn and Andrew have left, Rachel starts cleaning the kitchen. The vigorous wipes at the granite top and at the dirty cups make her anger deflate.
She hasn't expected to start a fight with Finn. She had imagined that he was going to be confused and surprised but not that he could refuse to accept Quinn's words as truthful.
One hour later – when the kitchen is more pristine than ever – the doorbell rings. Rachel goes to the door but keeps it closed when she sees Jacob Ben Israel through the spy-hole.
"Come on Rachel! I just want to ask a few questions…" comes his annoying voice from behind the door.
"Go away Jacob. I've got nothing to say."
He is so persistent that Rachel has to call the police to make him leave her propriety.
-x-
At around midday she checks her cellphone – she usually looks at it only once in a day since there are not many people who contact her – and sees the messages and missed calls (mostly from Tina and Kurt).
The only message that she bothers to read is the one from Santana, who has not written to her in months and has certainly done that now because of her best friend's interview.
'Berry, I bet you watched The Thomson Show last night. I'm sure you want to talk to Q. here is her number. don't yell at her too much. Britt says hi.'
Rachel hasn't thought about contacting Quinn, but now that the chance is presented to her she realizes that she wants to hear an explanation from her former friend. There are so many things that she wants to ask: she wants to know when Quinn fell for her, if the girl was jealous about the wedding, if someone (Santana perhaps) knew and why Quinn never told.
Rachel spends her afternoon – and of course it has to be one afternoon without any singing lessons to distract her – pondering if it is a good idea to contact Quinn.
It's around 5.30 when she finds the courage to call. She sits at the living room table, on the edge of a chair, with a little notepad in front of her. After five rings – and many nervous circles drawn on the paper – someone picks up.
"Hello?"
"Quinn? I'm -"
"Rachel. Santana told me you might call," Quinn interrupts her. "I'm happy you did. I really wanted to apologize. I should have -"
"It's okay. There's no problem." Rachel reassures her; she hasn't call to hear an unnecessary apology.
"But I'm sorry. I didn't consider how it could affect you and I really hope no-one is bugging you about what I said."
"I'm in Lima, Quinn. The only one is Jacob Ben Israel."
"Tell him, he'll hear from my lawyers if he bothers you again."
"There's no need Quinn. I can handle him."
"Okay."
A long silence falls upon them; Rachel draws other circles on the notepad.
"So, you were in love with me…" She finally says.
"Yes, Rachel."
"You never told me."
"You would have rejected me. I spared myself the humiliation."
Until that moment Rachel has only thought about the difference that Quinn confessing her feelings in high school would have had on her own life; she hasn't considered once what it would have meant to Quinn. As the actress has just said, back then Rachel would've rejected her, she would've broken Quinn's heart, she would've hurt the girl as too many people had already done. Quinn would've put herself on the line for nothing. Rachel realizes then how selfish it was to just even think about expecting that from her.
For the first time she feels honestly happy that Quinn never said anything.
"But why did you tell it now?"
"I-I don't know. Tommy made that question and it felt like the right moment to tell the truth, to finally confess it. And the bonus is that now everyone knows I like women."
It's a very simple and a bit disappointing reason but Rachel understands. "I guess I can only be happy to have indirectly being a part of your coming out. Quinn, you're going to be such a good role model for a lot of young queer girls…"
"Oh, I'll be ecstatic even if I gave the courage to only one girl to be her true self!"
"Did you really not love anyone else after me?" Rachel asks after a beat, bringing the conversation back to its central topic.
Quinn laughs, "Oh boy. I had a lot of lovers since high school, but I never felt anything for any of them. You'd been the only one whom my heart ached and swelled for; you were the one whom I wanted to be better for. Only you made me want to belong to someone."
Rachel swallows hard and keeps silent; she doesn't know what to say. She is embarrassed by Quinn's words and she feels strangely guilty for not having had any romantic feelings for Quinn. All of a sudden Rachel looses her hunger for answers.
Quinn must sense the awkwardness and offers a change of topic, "So tell me, how is Andrew?"
"He's doing very well, thank you. He grows up so fast."
"I bet. He is 5 now, right?"
"Yes."
"And how's Finn?"
"He's fine. Burt's business is going well and he's thinking of remodelling the garage during the summer."
"That's good. And…how are you, Rachel?" Quinn's careful tone implies she already knows the answer.
"I-I'm…I'm…" Rachel finds herself unable to form the word 'fine', to give voice to a lie. A loud sobs leaves her lips, instead.
"Rachel?"
Rachel starts fully crying. God, she is so miserable she can't even lie about it. Letting Quinn – who is living the perfect and successful life - know that she is so unhappy makes her feels pitiful and mortified.
"Rachel, don't cry!" The plea in Quinn's voice only makes her cry harder. In a futile attempt to conserve an ounce of dignity Rachel cuts the call off.
Quinn is quick to call her back but Rachel doesn't answer and when Quinn tries again and again, she turns the phone off.
-x-
Later, when Finn comes home, Rachel has put aside her tears and embarrassment and started dinner.
"I'm sorry. I guess I understand if Quinn loved you. I mean, you're great," Finn apologizes about that morning.
He could have definitely offered a better apology but Rachel is pleased: the fight is over and she won't have to discuss the fact that she implied that she's not happy with their marriage.
One hour later her dads bring Andrew home after their afternoon together. Seeing her son gives Rachel the peace and the serenity that have eluded her the whole day.
"We read the paper this morning. You never told us that Quinn was in love with you!" Her dad says as she escorts him at the door.
"That's because I didn't know!"
"Really? Oh my! And she felt like saying so after seven years? On a tv show?" Hiram asks shocked.
"Yeah…"
"Just tell me you didn't love her back or everything is simply tragic!"
Rachel looks puzzled at her dad. "Of course not. I was with Finn!"
"Yeah, right. Oh, I bet she would've been the perfect girlfriend…and the perfect daughter in law!" Hiram says wistfully.
Her dad (and daddy too, actually) has never been fond of Finn and Rachel has found herself defending her husband on many occasions; occasions that have become less frequent as Rachel's blind love for Finn has started to wither.
So Rachel easily ignores the veiled jab at her husband and just opens the front door. She kisses her father goodbye, waves at her daddy who is waiting in the car and gets back in the living room.
-x-
That night, as she gets ready for bed, she thinks back to her father's words. Rachel is sure that Quinn would have been the perfect girlfriend: the girl hadn't acted the part with her boyfriends but she had also never loved them. Rachel imagines Quinn writing love poems, organizing wonderful dates, defending her from Karofsky's slushies…
"G'night!" Finn says, interrupting her musing, when she slips under the covers.
"Good night!" She replies as she turns off the lights.
In the darkness Rachel forces herself not to think anymore about Quinn and about what the girl – given the chance to be in Finn's place – might have given her.
It's a lost battle until sleep overcomes her.