Chapter 21

Dirty hands and Silly Fears

I grumbled a bit as Ramses' maids bustled about, pinning my hair, fixing my dress. I hated this kind of thing. Sakuwai was in the other room watching over Yuri.

"Uhm. I can dress myself…you really needn't go through all this trouble." I began but one of the maids shushed me quickly.

"General Ramses commanded that this be done and that you be taken care of!" The young girl exclaimed. I sighed. These women were more stubborn then Hadi. I looked down at the dress. It had more decorative beading at the neck compared to clothes from Hattusa. It was Much more colorful too. They both draped loosely and pooled at my feet. It was a bit too open in the back and front for my liking, but at least everything was covered. The other dress has completely open in the front, revealing my breasts. I took one look at that dress and immediately rejected it.

There were too many maids here…there were two dressing me, two putting jewelry on me, one was fanning me with a large palm leaf, and one was trying in vain to hand feed me from a fruit bowl.

I couldn't help but scowl at all of it. Why is it that in every palace, they treat me as if I could do nothing? I have been feeding and dressing myself for years now. I think I could manage on my own. But no, here I am being treated like a child. I wonder if other noble girls actually couldn't feed and dress themselves…actually, I had never seen noble ladies and princesses eat or dress themselves when they were in the seraglio in Hattusa. So they could plot murder but not take care of themselves…huh…weird.

I pouted into the mirror. This dress showed almost every single one of my scars…seeing it like this…I never realized quite how many scars I had obtained over the years.

"Ouch." I wince as one of the maids pinned my dress wrong and pricked my skin instead. It didn't really hurt; I was just a bit surprised but the sudden jab.

"I-I'm so sorry! Oh no, there is blood!" One of the maids suddenly kneeled in front of me, shaking as she tried to dab the tiny wound.

"Huh? It really didn't hurt. I'm fine." I wave her off.

"B-but…. blood…." The maid was sobbing now. I glanced at the mirror and saw a single drop of blood by my collarbone. I quickly wiped it off.

"There. All better." I grin. Why did that girl look so terrified?

"P-please, I am sorry, I beg you for mercy, I will take the whipping!" She wept.

"What? That's ridiculous. There will be no whipping." I scrunched my face in confusion. It really was only a prick…it paled next to all the scars that marred my skin.

"Do you wish her executed, My Lady?" Another maid piped up, reaching for the poor girl on the floor.

"What?! No! Who executes for something so small! Leave her be!" I stood in front of the girl, who had finally glanced up, sniffling and hiccupping.

"Th-then…how many days shall I go without food?" She whimpered…did she sound hopeful? Hopeful to have no food for days? Well…if she was expecting execution, then I guess a few hungry days sounds pretty good in comparison.

"Skipping meals will make you sick. You shouldn't skip meals if you can help it" I declared.

"But surely, you must punish me! I have wounded you!" She was still shaking, but the fear in her eyes had subsided.

"I wouldn't call it a wound. If you truly wish for a punishment, then how about you do a favor for me?" I sigh.

"Anything!" She hopped up in elation.

"How about you find me a dress that covers more of my front? Or perhaps…do you have pomegranates here?" I smile gently at her.

"Th-that's it?" She seemed shocked.

"Yeah. That's it." I grinned.

"Yes, My Lady, I will go fetch that for you right away!" The girl practically sprinted away.

What was with this place? I had read that the caste system was drastic, and the lower caste rarely got respect, but this was ridiculous. Execution was handed out that easily here?

"You weren't born an aristocrat, were you?" A new voice chimed from the doorway. I glanced behind me to see a young Egyptian woman. I glanced away quickly when I noticed that there was nothing covering her top half. Yes we were both women, and I guess this shouldn't bother me. But perhaps it was just a habit. Seeing someone nude is seeing them exposed in more ways then one. Well at least in Japan. Here, it seemed the style. Hopefully a style I would be able to ignore for my time here.

"Oh what is it with you two, your sister wouldn't look at me either! You're like old ladies!" The woman huffed. I snuck a glance at her. She had black wavy hair and light eyes. She was not dressed to be a maid though…

"Uhm, I don't believe we've met." I began.

"Oh we haven't. My name's Nefert. I'm User's sister." She came in closer, as if she were examining me. Suddenly, I felt a draft as she yanked my dress down to my waist.

"H-hey! What are you…?" I quickly drew my arms up and tried to cover my breasts.

"Ohhh they are so cute! They have to go on display! Such a shame with these scars though." Nefert tutted.

"I would prefer they don't…" I pulled the dress back up. She was still staring at me funny. As if she was trying to figure me out like a puzzle.

"You're not like the girls User usually brings home. You aren't voluptuous, or particularly pretty. I can tell you aren't of royal linage either. I heard something about you being a goddess…but you don't act like one." She kept staring at me in consideration.

In a way I feel like this would offend a regular girl. But I was indifferent to her words. She was right. I was by no means beautiful or voluptuous. I did not act like one of royal blood. I don't really know how a goddess should act though. I am the goddess of darkness, I guess I should be slightly more cruel. Perhaps a bit scarier?

"So how do goddesses act?" I pulled some of the heavy necklaces off and place them on the table nearby. All of that jingling just drove me insane.

"Well, goddesses wouldn't be nice to maids. They wouldn't reject fine clothes and jewelry. And I guess I would expect them to act more entitled." She crossed her arms over her bare chest with a wide grin on her face. I drifted my eyes away from her quickly.

"Goddesses sound awful." I laugh. "Good thing I'm not one!"

"Ha! I like you! I hope you stick around a bit longer!" She laughs as she leaves. The curtain swishing behind her as she left. The maid had come back with a plate of pomegranate seeds. The girl had removed the seeds from the shell of the fruit for me. Gods I can't wait until I go home and can feed and clothe myself!

I absentmindedly popped the seed in my mouth. Sweet. The next one. Sweet. They were all sweet.

I sigh. I guess I should be happy, someone actually knows how to find a ripe pomegranate. I have no doubt that every one of these are sweet.

They weren't as sweet as I usually found them. Not at all. I found myself wishing that I could find just one sour one, just one. So the next one could be sweeter then the rest.

Having all of them sweet…it leaves no mystery. Leaves nothing to look forward to. If there was no sour, the there is no sweet. Going through all of those sour ones for just a tiny sweet one…that's what makes it worth it.

I sigh, silently hoping that Nefert is wrong. That soon, I will be on my way home. On my way to the maids that let me have some independence, back to where I could find a sour pomegranate. Back to a man that loved me even with my scars and my nature to constantly worry him.

Ilbani…I wonder if he was worried at me or angry at this point. I hope he is safe…

I suddenly had a realization. He had gotten word that the ship sank. If the sisters made it back, they did not know of our fate. They had left us floating out in the middle of the freezing sea, clinging to some driftwood. His Majesty had illness of the heart, he believed Yuri was lost at sea. So that means…Oh gods. Ilbani believed me to be dead. Dead!

I wonder how he was doing? Was he sad? I hope he is not ill like the King. Such a thing was dulling the King's wits. It was costing him the war. Ilbani cannot fall to that, he was the tactician now. Mistakes cannot be made here. Not while I am the cause.

"Well, we will have to correct this little error, won't we?" I whisper under my breath. My mind was already formulating a plan. I couldn't stay here, not while there was a spy. If we don't find out who is using the spy, how they have connections to Hattusa. An Egyptian would have trouble blending into our army. None of our aides had honeyed skin, or any connections to Egypt as far as I knew. I cannot leave Egypt while this remains a mystery. It would endanger Hattusa too much.

But I must get information back to Hattusa soon. The spy…that the goddesses of war and darkness still live. But how? It would be no easy task to send a message to a country we were at war with. I have no connections here in this strange land. I could not go around asking randomly for a spy to work for me. They could tattle on me and I could end up in some trouble. If a pinprick leads to execution, I don't want to know what heresy leads to. So I will have to work with the people that I have with me.

I don't want Sakuwai in danger though…and Rusafa as well. How could I put them in danger by sending messages like this. It was too dangerous. But…what if I found a way to get them to a safe place at the same time?

No matter what, I am getting us all back home. All of us.

I looked at myself in the mirror. Where had I gotten that resolve that was shining in my eyes? When did I begin to stand so tall, hold my head up so proudly? I looked older. I doubt I actually grew in a past few months, but I looked older. I looked sure. I brushed my hair back from my face. I was sure. I am sure, that I will get us all back to Hattusa. That my time in Egypt is running short. I know it. I'll be home soon. Only a bit longer, and I will be able to run my hands through Ilbani's silky hair and laugh as I hide from Hadi's latest schemes to make me more ladylike. Soon, I would be a married woman.

Married…I twisted the old iron ring on my finger. I had adamantly refused to take it off. It is my treasure. It was a promise. I was going to be married. I would be lying, if I said I wasn't afraid. I loved him. I really did. But mother loved father too…that's why she fell apart when he left.

Marriage is a lot of trust. It's your entire life. Leaning on another. Supporting another person. It is a difficult thing to do. Vulnerable. It leaves you vulnerable. But…it also makes you feel this feeling in your stomach…a unique fluttering. It makes your heart race. It makes you forget all of your problems and just see all that is good in the world.

I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm so scared. I'm scared.

I couldn't help but laugh a bit at myself. Prince of Darkness, running right into enemy lines, murderous queen? No problem. Holy matrimony? Leaves me quivering in my seat.

Who would have thought? The queen of Darkness, afraid of a little thing called marriage.

Silly. Isn't it?

"You are going to go look for the spy?" I ask incredulously.

"Yeah. I'm going to where the information was relayed and I'm going to trace it. I don't want to win with dirty tactics." Ramses stated plainly.

"I'm going too!" Yuri piped in.

"But Princess, you still need to recover. Please reconsider." Rusafa cut in quickly.

"I want to go! Please?" Yuri glanced at me with pleading eyes.

"I would prefer you stay. But I know that it's useless for me to say that. So I guess we are both going." I exhale.

"Don't I get a say in this?" Ramses said with a mock look of hurt.

"No." I grinned. My mind was already going through things that I needed to get ready before we leave. "Besides, having women with you makes it so much less suspicious, don't you think?"

"Ohhhh So that means I go too?" A voice chimed from behind the curtain.

"Nefert! You were eavesdropping!" Ramses exclaimed. He didn't really seem surprised though. In a way, I guess I wasn't either. Since my time in Egypt, I've actually come to like Nefert in a way. She was a bit exuberant, but she was honest and headstrong in a way that I found rare in this land. She was also incredibly trusting. She had immediately taken to Yuri and I and had acted like an older sister since our arrival. In a way, she was much like her brother. And in a way much like Yuri. They just did whatever they pleased, the are unconcerned with how others viewed them. They did what they felt was right, what felt right to them, not those around them. That takes a certain amount of bravery. To go on without a care as to what others think of you.

As much as some of us hate it, the opinions of others often weigh heavily on our minds. That's why we try to dress nice, why we watch our words, tried not to hurt someone's feelings. There are different types of bravery. Some find bravery in boldly going into battle. Some find it in facing a fear. I find it in telling the truth.

Telling the truth can often hurt others. It may push them away. Your truth may make a loved one think differently of you. That can be intimidating. Because a wound will heal eventually. but a relationship with another person takes time. Some never heal.

As much as we hate it, People's opinions weigh on our minds. Even if it is just self-consciously.

It seems our little spy group was growing quite a bit. I wasn't keen on Sakuwai and Yuri coming, but I can see how Yuri feels. It gave me cold shivers to think that there was someone so close to His Majesty giving away secrets. Someone betrayed us. The sisters, Kikkuri, Mittanammwa, Kash, Ilbani, Shubas. Those were the options. Those are the only ones close enough to get the information we were hearing.

Every time I thought about it, it felt like there was spider web cracks forming in my heart. I trusted these people. They fought along side me. They protected me and I protected them in turn. I trusted these people with my very life. I had opened my heart to these people. And one of them betrayed me. Now the question is, which one will face my fury when I get back to Hattusa? Whoever has done this doesn't realize…I don't take betrayal easily.

Yuri's POV

I looked up over the horizon as we lazily drifted along the Nile. It seems we spend a lot of time on the water, nowadays. I found myself clinging to the side of the boat. At first, the scent and sounds of the water reminded me of Japan. But now, it draws nothing but pain.

How could I lose our child? Kail had sent me home so I could protect this child…and I've failed.

Empty. I feel empty. This child depended on me. He was defenseless. I was the only one who could protect him. And I couldn't even do that. I failed him. I failed my own child.

The nurse said that I could always have more children…but none of them would be the one I lost. None would fill this empty feeling in my heart.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. I glanced up to see Yuki. Concern in her eyes. I quickly plastered a smile on my face, but I know it was too late.

"Your heart has been wounded." It wasn't a question. She stared at me. Under her gaze, I always felt like she could see my very soul. I looked away.

"It won't ever heal." She continued. I felt tears fall down my cheeks. I wanted to laugh though. Yuki has always been blunt. Everyone else kept feeding me all times of lines. That the baby was in a better place. That I was young and there would be more. I know all of that. I know it. But it didn't make me feel better. Perhaps hearing it spelled out would snap me out of it…or it could just feel like a stab in the stomach like it did right now.

"But it will get better." Yuki ducked her head to look at me. Forcing me to face her.

"How do you know?! How could you possibly know?!" I suddenly screeched. I was angry. I wasn't angry with Yuki. I was angry with me. But I couldn't control where my temper directed itself. After my words left me I immediately regretted it. But words cannot be taken back.

She suddenly took my hand and put it on her shoulder…on the scar left by the arrow when we had traveled with Prince Zannanza. When we lost him.

"You see the scar. But do you feel it anymore?" She asked softly. I brushed my fingers over her skin to feel that the scar felt smooth like her skin. If I weren't looking, I would miss the scar entirely. It was as smooth as her skin.

"I will bare this scar for the rest of my life. It reminds me of Zannanza. But it no longer bleeds. It no longer hurts. Its texture has blended into my skin. Sometimes, it does hurt to see it in the mirror. To remember how I got it. But not like when I first received it. I know that it hurts now because it is a deep wound on your heart. And I know that it will be a long time until you stop bleeding. But one day, it will stop. Such a deep wound will scar. Scars will never disappear, but they don't hurt either. You will never forget, but the aching will begin to fade." She smiled and left me to my thoughts.

When had she grown up so much? I wonder, how many scars riddled her heart? How many wounds had she suffered? I wonder if they have all stopped bleeding. How long has she silently bled before they began to heal? My sister…has faced hardship nobody should face in a lifetime. Every scar on her body…she never really hid them. She wore them with pride. They were a part of her life. Just like how this was a part of mine. She's right. I will never forget. But eventually, it will stop hurting.

I sob and held my arms around myself. But it still hurts. Right now, it hurts so badly. How long until the bleeding stops? How long until I can breathe again?

Yuki's POV

We suspect the one behind the espionage is no other then Queen Nefertiti. To confront a queen though? Even Ramses must have second thoughts about that.

I didn't know much on Queen Nefertiti. Not many records of her rule were kept. What I knew was that she was a beauty, that her bust was a famous piece of art. She was a face without a queen.

I didn't know what to expect of her. If she was anything like our Queen Nakia, then we could be in some trouble. A cunning woman is a dangerous thing. Combine that cunning with beauty and you have a deadly problem indeed. This place looks like it's going to become incredibly dangerous very soon.

"Yuri, we can't leave here. Ramses won't let us, and we need to gather information. But Rusafa and Sakuwai can." I whispered to her one day. She nodded knowingly. I suspect she was thinking along the same lines as well.

"Leave it to me. Rusafa won't refuse me." Yuri turned her heel and left. I went to find Sakuwai as well.

"No! I don't want to go! I won't!" Sakuwai screeched, tears running down her cheeks.

"Listen to me, Sakuwai. You must get the information back to Hattusa. It is imperative." I say soothingly.

"Rusafa is going, only one person is needed to deliver a message!" She protests.

"Sakuwai, this place is going to be a battleground soon. It is going to be dangerous. Dangerous for you." My voice was almost pleading.

"I-I can fight! I'll learn! I'll do what it takes! Please! Don't send me away!" She was shaking and sobbing.

"Sakuwai, I don't want to send you away. I don't want you to get hurt." I heard my voice rise.

"I won't! I can learn to fight, I will wield a sword!" She tries to compromise.

"I don't want you to have to!" I suddenly shout.

She looked at me with hurt in her eyes. I took a deep breath and looked at her, taking her hands in mine.

"Sakuwai. Your hands are so clean. They are not stained with the blood of war and the dirt of politics. You are still so pure. And I'll be damned if I keep putting you in situations where you will have to stain your hands! Putting that knife in your hands when I had to leave the room back in Ramses' residence…it broke my heart. Sakuwai, I took you in so you would never have to dirty your hands. Please, Sakuwai. I want you to be safe." I smiled softly at her.

"I understand…" Sakuwai looked away. I wonder if she did? She still looked heartbroken, but at least she finally agreed. At least she will be safe.

I had let her come to Egypt this long because of what she had said before.

"Don't abandon me!"

How could I? When I saw her, I saw a reflection of myself. I saw the hurt of a difficult past. Abandonment. My father had abandoned me. And my mother had emotionally abandoned me. Her family as well. They had forsaken her.

How could I abandon her as well? How could I leave her, after I had promised her I would take her in? She didn't come with me for the money, or the posh environment of a palace, otherwise she would have happily hightailed it to Hattusa already. She was lonely. She was hurt. How could I leave her alone?

Was this how I was like with Yuri? Did she ever feel like this? Torn? I was forcing her away from me. It hurt to know that I had pushed her away. But I know it is for the best. It is for her benefit.

A few years ago, if someone had tried to take me away from Yuri, I would have thrown a fit. I would have fought with all I was.

I looked at my own hands. They were dirty. When I saw them, I saw blood of soldiers. Soldiers lost under my command. I saw the blood of Prince Zannanza and Ursula. I saw the muck of politics. Of the many people I had condemned, good cause or not, to their fates when I faced the senate. My hands have been stained. And they will never be clean. So at least, all of my work…through all of this, I want to be able to see girls like Sakuwai go through their lives with clean hands. At the very least, I want that for her.

Sakuwai's POV

I ducked under the tall grass behind Rusafa. Our skin had been painted to match the honeyed tone of an Egyptian. Rusafa had already locked on a boat, we were going to have to sneak onto it.

We barely took a step when a flutter of birds flew up into the sky, cawing and raising a dust under their wings.

"Hey!"

We had been found. I watched in horror as Rusafa fell into the shallow water, the makeup washing off and revealing his pale skin underneath. We were finished.

"What are you doing to my aides?" A new voice joined the fray. I looked to see Ramses standing there.

"Let them through. They have my permission." He dismissed the guards and grinned at us.

"Why?" Rusafa seemed suspicious.

"I wish to beat Mursili at his best. He is not at his best if he believes Yuri dead." He replied curtly before turning and leaving us.

We hustled into the boat. We were heading back to Hattusa.

I looked at my hands. Clean. That's what Miss Yuki said about them. She said they were clean. At first, I had always thought them dirty. With all the things I've done. How could they be clean? But…now as I look at them…they were clean. Miss Yuki had wanted them to stay clean. But…I don't believe her hands are dirty either. Only she saw them as such. Perhaps… she was like me? I had thought my hands dirty. That I was unworthy. That I was nothing. But recently, my mind has begun to change. My hands were cleaner. I was bright. I was sweet. All those things Miss Yuki had told me. I wonder if anyone ever told Miss Yuki how pretty she was? How kind she was. How much she shined.

Her hands were not dirty. I'll have to tell her that when we meet again in Hattusa.

And there's Chapter 21 for ya!

I'll move on to what's going on in Hattusa with the other group in the next chapter.

I was wondering, Does anyone actually know what happened to the Dragon's Eye?

It kinda just...disappeared in Mittani. I feel like such a powerful thing doesnt just...go away...

if anyone knows what happened to it, I would love to know :) Please and Thanks!

Thank you for the nice reviews and thanks for reading!

~Eternally Snowy