Suggested Listening: "The Middle" - Jimmy Eat World

Feel It in My Bones

~The Middle~

"Her heart beat within her chest like a caged bird. Any attempt to form words failed as she found herself drowning in his shimmering orbs. Her lip trembled as she found it difficult to hold his gaze, and she looked away. All of a sudden, she heard the sound of his footsteps as he crossed the drawing room. He drew her to his chest without warning, causing her to gasp.

'Hush, dearest,' he soothed. 'I'd sooner be shot in the heart by my own pistol than ever let any harm come to you.'

Her cheeks lit up with a ruddy glow at such passionate language, and she refused to look at him. Her good breeding demanded that she maintain her modesty at all times.

He grasped her chin gently and she closed her eyes. 'Do you not love me, too?' he asked, sounding half-crazed. 'Have you not been overcome by this wave of feeling? Has it not taken your heart soaring on birds' wings and plummeting into the abyss all in one breadth of time?'

'I'm too scared to let it,' she whispered, tears pricking at her eyes. She tried to blink them away, but one solitary tear succeeded in making a path down her cheek.

'My darling…' he kissed her cheek, stopping the tear in its tracks. Tenderly, he brushed her hair back away from her face. 'It is not a fear you face alone. Let us fall together.'

At last, she let herself look into his eyes, and there she found all the reassurance that she needed. 'Alright.'

With great care, he swept her up into his arms and deposited her onto his desk. Some envelopes containing his correspondence with other lords of the land fell to the floor as she took their place, but he seemed hardly aware of it. He pulled off his riding coat and threw it onto a chair. He then loosened his cravat and left it to the same fate. The entire time, she watched him in rapture, scarcely breathing.

The entire process seemed to her to entirely take far too long, but at last he was left in nothing but his breeches and his Wellington boots. She flushed at the sight of his bare chest which at once set her heart into a flutter. She didn't know how much more she could bear when he returned to her, holding her close once more.

With one deft movement, he removed her hairpin and her tresses fell down her back in a cascade. Then, taking a hold of her hands, he pressed his mouth to hers and swallowed the sweet sigh this action elicited. Slowly, he guided her hands over his well-developed abdominals, continuing down, down… Until she finally had enough, and under her own initiative, reached past his waistband and–"

Okay – what the hell did I just read?

Setting the book down on the edge of my bed, I scowled up at the ceiling.

That's definitely the last time I pick up one of my mom's books. I was now one-hundred percent sure that I never want to find out what goes on at those book club meetings. Just knowing that Mrs. Keehl and my mom read that kind of stuff was enough to send my brain for a loop.

I looked over at the book again and its seemingly innocuous cover which showed a large, English estate and the title Secret Passions in elegant script. With less than a second's deliberation, I brushed it off my bed and onto the floor where it will probably remain for the next few months, gathering dust.

Satisfied, I crossed my arms behind my head and went back to staring at the ceiling.

About five seconds passed, and then I sighed, already bored. Only about a week and a half had passed since the day I'd gone to Wedy's house, and already I was officially out of things to do.

As they always did when I left myself without distraction, my thoughts turned to the situation I was currently in, and I frowned.

Time had seemed to pass by sluggishly after the rapid pace with which it had accompanied the most stressful moments in the last while. The moment I had kissed Mello, my life seemed to have made a sudden about-face. Maybe it was even before that. Maybe my life had been set on this path the day that Mello had approached me in Kindergarten and decided that I was the only person worth harassing.

If that were so, then there must be a way to get through this. Mello and I have been friends for so long now, and have been through so many ups and downs that there just had to be a way to fix this; I just haven't thought of how to do it yet.

And then there was Wedy…

I clenched my eyes shut and swore under my breath as I hit my head back against the pillow I was propped up against.

If there was any part of this situation that I regretted the most, it was what I did to her. If only I had actually paid attention to what was going on with Mello – what was going on with myself – this whole thing would have never happened. Maybe if I'd just kissed him that first time in the basement –

"Matt," I heard my mother say softly from the other side of my door as she knocked once on the wood. She cracked the door open a bit and peered in at me. When she caught sight of my position (sprawled on my bed, clutching at a pillow and feeling generally sorry for myself), she gave me a smile that was a mixture between amusement, exasperation, and sympathy. It was the smile she gave me when I was eight and I had scraped my knee when falling off of my bike after going too fast – right after she had told me not to.

This was different, though; she couldn't just take this away with a Band-Aid and a kiss on the forehead. Something told me that she wished that she could, nonetheless.

I was expecting her to come over and sit on the corner of the bed like she had the last time she had found me like this, but she stayed in the doorway. Part of me was grateful; I was too tired to have another soul-baring conversation right now.

"There's someone here to see you," she said, and then faltered as if she were contemplating going back downstairs and telling whoever it was to come back some other time.

However, as soon as I heard this, I jumped up out of bed. If it was who I thought it was – or rather who I hoped it would be – then I would only kick myself later for turning them away.

I headed down the stairs, taking the steps two at a time. My mom had only reached the top landing by the time I had jumped off the last few steps. Grabbing onto the banister, I used it to swing around to face the door – and that's when I caught sight of blond hair.

I froze, and it took a few moments for my brain to catch up to the information my eyes were feeding me.

Standing in the entryway, hand on hip and eyebrow cocked, was probably the last person I had been expecting.

"Hey, Matty-kins," the person simpered, giving me a little finger-wave.

My heart sank to my feet.

Halle Lidner.

My feelings must have been written all over my face because she snorted and then brushed past me, throwing over her shoulder, "Don't be too over-joyed, now."

Shaking my head rapidly in an attempt to get my stuttering thought process back into working order, I turned around to face her. By the time I did so, Halle was already making her way up the stairs and past my mom, who decided it would be helpful to point out where my room was.

If not for the fact that I had just come out to her not too long ago, I would find the fact that my mother was inviting a girl with a mini skirt and an exposed midriff to waltz right into my room quite baffling. Never mind the fact that I was of legal age – that sort of thing is just not standard motherly practice.

When I had reached my room, I found that Halle had already made herself quite comfortable on my bed and was examining her nails while she waited for me. As I walked in, she motioned for me to shut the door behind me. With a sense of trepidation, I did as I was told.

Her eyes flicked up towards me and pinned me with a look. Her tone was crisp and business-like. "As both Wedy and Mello's best friend, I feel the urge to punch you in the face while at the same time am overwhelmed by the need to ask you for details."

I blinked, mentally calculating the distance between us and how long it would take me to open the door – which unfortunately swung inwards – so that I could make my escape. "… Which option are you here for?"

"Both."

Before I could react, she lunged towards me with her fist at the ready and I threw up my arms to block. Wrong move – at the last moment, she changed direction, and her fist collided with my gut. I doubled over with a grunt, and then she was behind me. The next thing I knew, my right arm was being bent behind me at an awkward angle and my face was being shoved into my mattress. I felt her weight settling over my back and I ceased all wiggling as she dug her elbow between my shoulder blades.

I went limp with a sigh that was muffled by my pillow.

Halle giggled, the sound of it musical and in complete antithesis to the strength with which she was pinning me down, and I could clearly imagine a maniacal grin spreading across her face.

Of course the girl that Mello had chosen as the gal pal to his gay B.F.F. would be just as insane as he was. I wasn't all that surprised.

Accepting my fate with as much dignity as possible (which really wasn't all that much), I turned my head to the side so that my cheek was pressed against the bed and I was able to breathe again. My tone was saturated with boredom as I told her, "That was a lot more than a punch."

Another snort, and by the exaggerated movement, I guessed that she had shrugged. "I improvised. Besides," – she dug her elbow further into my back and I gritted my teeth – "this makes it much easier to extract details from you. 'Like pulling teeth – except without the mess."

Oh, yes. I could see why she and Mello got along so well.

Halle's hair tickled my cheek and the mattress dipped slightly as she leaned forward. "So, tell me, Matt… Was there tongue?"

I made a sound in the back of my throat that could only be described as disgusted. Then, after having gathered all of my strength, I gave a tremendous buck. Unlike the times when Mello (who was much closer to my weight) pinned me in our rough-housing, Halle was thrown off. I heard an undignified uff off to my right, and guessed that she had probably landed on the floor.

Sitting up, I ran a hand through my dishevelled hair and glared at her warily. "What are you here for, Lidner?"

Halle rearranged herself so that she was sitting in a more lady-like position (which I was very grateful for) and then responded, "I already told you."

"I know. After which you punched me in the gut and pinned me to a bed."

She pouted mockingly at me. "Awww… Is wittle Matty feeling emascuwated?"

"No, I am not feeling emasculated. I just –" I stopped myself and took a deep breath. Don't let her side-track you, Matt. "Please answer the question."

She shrugged. "It's as I said. I'm friends with both Mello and Wedy, and have decided to hold an equal interest in both sides. As you are the common denominator, and are currently leading this shit parade, it only makes sense that I would come and talk to you."

"… What are you talking about?"

Halle gave me a look of utter exasperation. "Do you need me to spell it out for you? Even with the fact that you apologized to both of them, the consequences of all the shit that you pulled are still heavily stacked against you. If one were to do the mental math – factoring in all the pluses and minuses – you would get the absolute value of…"

She scrunched up her face as if in serious thought and muttered a few random numbers. I stayed where I was on the bed, feeling intensely uncomfortable. Suddenly, she froze.

"You're fucked," she deadpanned.

Yes, I know, thank you. No breaking news there.

"But!" she exclaimed and I jumped. She got to her feet and made a grand, sweeping gesture with her arms. "That is why I am here."

There was silence as she was apparently waiting for her words to sink in. I avoided her gaze and instead looked down at the carpet.

Finally, I muttered, "… Why do you even care?"

I heard soft footfalls against the floor and then her hands were cupping my face. With her gentle urging, I looked up and met her eyes. Without my goggles to block my eyes, I felt like she was seeing deep down into my soul – but it was alright. In the depths of her eyes, I only saw compassion.

"Matt," she started, her voice surprisingly serious considering how this encounter had played out thus far, "just think of this as your time where you're strung out on the driveway of life, and I came to find you. It doesn't matter why I care – I just do."

I opened and closed my mouth a few times, but no words came out. I don't think that there were any words to describe what I felt in that moment.

Halle knelt down in front of me so that we were closer to eye level. "Look – I know we never really made an attempt to get to know each other, but you have the good opinion of Mello – and we both know how hard that is to get. Anyone who Mello cares about is okay in my books. It's because of that that I'm here to lend you my shoulder to lean on. I know that you and Mello share a lot with each other, but what he couldn't tell you for… well, obvious reasons – he told me. And since you can't talk to him about what you're going through, I thought I could fill the role."

She smiled at me then and I smiled back. I couldn't even imagine what it was like for her having to hear three sides of the story from equally emotional people and I told her as much.

Halle shrugged, looking entirely unbothered. "I like being in the middle; this way I can help all of you."

Once again I was at a loss for words in the face of her kindness, but she saved me from having to say anything when she jumped up and dusted herself off.

"Now, usually when Mello and I need to have a heart-to-heart we break out the nail polish and ease into the convo by discussing which guy we would rather have stumble in on us in the shower – but something tells me that that isn't going to work with you."

My mouth fell open just a little bit. Too much information…

She giggled at the look on my face before continuing, "A little birdy told me that you like working on your car, correct?"

I nodded. "Yes. Why?"

"Perfect!" Halle clapped her hands together. "Then I have just one more question for you…"

Suddenly, two objects were being shoved in my face and I had to lean back to bring them into focus.

"What will it be? 'Mauve It Like It's Hot' or 'Red-y for Bed?'" she asked, waving the bottles of nail polish enticingly.

I pulled a face that adequately demonstrated my opinion on the matter.

The smile she gave me was the epitome of serene. "No pressure."

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Thankfully, Halle had had no intention of applying the nail polish to anyone's nails other than her own, and so I could relax. This wasn't hard to do as I always felt a sense of calm wash over me when I was working on my car; it just kind of came with the territory. Halle also had no trouble with making herself at home, as the moment we entered the garage, she hopped up on the workbench and set to work on painting her nails.

It was quite some time before anything was said.

Halle blew on her nails, catching my attention, and I watched as she extended her hand out in front of her to admire her work. I was surprised by the first thing that came out of her mouth; I had been expecting her to get right down to the nitty-gritty as soon as we got here, but so far it seemed she was taking her time. "I think I want to join the police."

This was a bit of a shock. I tilted my head to the side in confusion, forgetting about my car for the moment. "Didn't you want to be a makeup artist?"

At least, I'd heard her mention that a few times when she, Wedy, and I had been hanging out in Wedy's basement.

She rolled her eyes. "No way. You just saw firsthand how capable I am of kicking ass. If I pursued any other occupation, I would just be wasting my talents."

I smirked, shaking my head. "How did you come to this conclusion?"

"'Met some guy at the job fair they were holding at the rec centre not too long ago. 'Really sold me on the subject. And," – she waggled her eyebrows – "he was really cute."

Snorting, I did my best valley girl impression, "Oh, please tell me you got his number."

She chuckled as she finished putting on the second coat. "My dear Matt, don't underestimate me. Not only did I get both his home and cell number, but we've already been on a couple dates and we reached third base in his car the other day – while he was driving." The grin she was donning made her look like the twin of the Cheshire cat. "It was quite scandalous."

My eyebrows bounced up to the point where they might as well have been touching my hairline. "How old is this guy?"

"Somewhere in his twenties, I think. No big D," she said, giving a flippant wave of her hand.

I shook my head and focused on working again. It didn't last for long, though, because as soon as I started moving the wrench again, she started snickering.

"What?"

She covered her mouth with the back of her hand to hide her smile. "Oh, nothing…"

I shrugged. "Okay." And back to work I went.

"Fine," she groaned. "It's just that I realized that we did end up talking about boys, anyways. 'Kind of funny if you think about it."

I glared at her, trying to think of a response. All I could settle on was a weak, "Shut up."

Halle grinned. "It's weird; you act so reserved all the time, but it's actually really easy to get you talking. Mello… Well, that boy may seem like he has nothing to hide, but you really have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."

"So he's gotten physical abuse from you, too, eh?"

"Nope." She smirked. "He's too quick. In fact, he told me once that the only reason you've ever won in wrestling against him is because he lets you pin him down."

As usual, my face went instantly red at the implication, which of course set her off snickering again.

"You're way too easy to tease!"

So… did that mean that she made that up? I couldn't tell…

"Anyways," she said, hopping down from the workbench, "I'm sorry for making the situation out to be so bad earlier; I just had to give you a hard time. Believe it or not, I think it's actually working out in the best possible way for all three of you."

"Really? It sure doesn't feel like it." I quirked an eyebrow. "By the way… How do you even know what happened?"

She bit her lip. "Well… That's kind of a funny story. See, Mello's been ornery lately – like, way more than usual – and so I haven't been talking to him as much. Giving him some space is pretty much the only way I've found to deal with him when he's putting on a diva act. Anyways, then I found out from Wedy about the breakup, and I figured that it was related. 'Turns out, I was totally right.

"When I asked Mello about it, he got this really weird look on his face. He said, his words exactly, 'That doesn't make any sense.' I asked him what he meant, but he wouldn't say anything. Then, I tried the only thing that might get a reaction; I asked why he wasn't happy about it. That made him really angry. And, well, you know what happens when he gets angry…

"He went on this huge rant about how he'd kept everything so tightly wrapped up for years, trying to keep his own feelings separate from your friendship because he didn't want to ruin it. He said that changed when he noticed you were starting to react to his teasing differently. But then you got involved with Wedy, and, according to him, everything went to shit. He ended it with a bombshell: 'We may have kissed, but it doesn't mean anything. Even if he broke up with her, he didn't want me either. So, no, I'm not fucking happy.'"

With those words, I felt like the world was swaying all around me. Everything I was seeing was stationary, so I knew I wasn't moving, but I had this sinking feeling in my stomach that was very similar to the feeling that I'd gotten the first time I'd ever been on an amusement park ride as a child. I felt like all control was slipping through my fingers like sand.

How did I ever let it get to this point?

Halle must've noticed the emotional turmoil I was in, because she walked over to me and grabbed me by the shoulders, giving me a gentle shake. "Hey. He was angry. You do know that people tend to be reactive and say things that they don't necessarily mean when they're angry, right?"

I swallowed around the lump in my throat. "It's not that. It's… Why didn't he ever tell me that he felt that way? Why didn't I realize it sooner? And then the whole thing with Wedy… I'm such a terrible person!"

That's when she slapped me.

Okay, so not that hard – but it was still enough to shock me.

"Enough of the teenage angst already," she said, frowning sternly. "Yes, you went out with Wedy when you liked someone else and then cheated on her with that person. Dick move, yes, but you at least owned up to it. To be fair, Wedy knew what she was getting into when she asked you out, so it's not like–"

"What do you mean she knew–?"

"Don't interrupt. Anyways, with Mello, he did the exact same thing to you; it's not like he ever stopped to consider whether or not he should ask you about your feelings before he decided to take on the role of martyr of unrequited love. The only thing that's separating you two from each other is your guys' own damn pride and love of having something to complain about."

I paused and really let it sink in. It was… very much true. I could try to make up for what I'd done as much as I wanted, but as long as I continued to beat myself up about it, I wouldn't ever move past it or get into a state of mind to do better. Self-pity wasn't accomplishing anything other than wasting time and making me feel worse.

"You're right. So, what do you think I should do?"

Halle shrugged. "To be honest, I don't think it would be so bad if you guys spend some time apart for a while. Get rid of all the emotional baggage and re-sort your priorities, you know? You need to learn to get along with yourself before you can ever make things work with another person."

I nodded. That was probably the best course of action. I mean, I was still afraid of confronting Mello in case I said the wrong thing again, but maybe that was because I knew I wasn't ready yet. Instead of just rushing into things, maybe I should actually figure out what I want to say and, more importantly, what I actually want.

I should probably talk to a few more people, too. Since everyone and their mother apparently already knew about this issue, there were probably other people that have advice that I could benefit from.

This whole conversation was making me look at Halle differently, too. I'd always thought of her as either a) competition for Mello's attention while I'd mistakenly thought she liked him or b) Wedy's friend with loose morals that happened to date a lot of guys. I was realizing now, listening to her surprisingly sound advice, that a person's actions can be viewed entirely differently when you actually know their reasons behind them. Maybe, in time, I'd get to know her reasons just as she was currently finding out mine.

I didn't have an opportunity to think more on these things at the present time, however, because my attention was jerked back to the present when she suddenly hugged me. Taken aback, I didn't react for a good three seconds before I timidly wrapped my arms around her.

She pulled back and smiled at me. "I have faith in you. If you continue to do the right thing, things'll work out just fine. To be honest, your guys' problem is nothing compared to Light and L's– Whoops!" She slapped a hand over her mouth.

I blinked. "I'm not sure I want to know…"

"Good. Then let's just keep your ignorance intact." Halle chuckled nervously. "So, yeah. Topic change, but" – she ruffled my hair – "you look adorable without your goggles. Seriously, I will never understand why you wore those things when you have such a killer pair of bedroom eyes at your disposal."

It's probably not that healthy to have as much blood rushing to my face as I have had lately…

Slinging an arm around my shoulder, she cooed, "So cute. Man… You, me, and Mello will certainly be a force to be reckoned with, eh? I can already tell; this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship."