In the instant message conversation in this chapter, if you notice random 3's just chillin' out in the middle of a paragraph or as part of a username, they are meant to be less-than-three hearts.
As always, thanks for reading, everyone! :) We're getting down to the homestretch...
Suggested Listening: "Friend is a Four-Letter Word" - Cake
Feel It in My Bones
~Friend is a Four-Letter Word~
It's funny how when you decide to stop worrying obsessively over things that you actually start to get things done.
… Okay, maybe this is common knowledge for most people – but it's news to me.
After Halle left, I made an effort to finish things that I'd been ignoring for a while and, basically, just enjoy myself. This pretty much translated to me spending the last two days gaming until my thumbs went numb, doing the shit-tonne of laundry that I'd let pile up in my closet, and even helping my mom bake cookies (she coerced me into trying on a pink, frilly apron much to my dissatisfaction; though, I am man enough to admit I looked fantastic in it, thank you).
The only thing I did not do was work on my car. Maybe it's kind of lame, but I couldn't even contemplate finishing that project without Mello. A promise is a promise.
However, there had been one major hiccup in my plan to let things be for a few days. I had logged into my IM account, something I hadn't done in over a year, only to see that Mello was online. I had stared at the screen before slowly moving the cursor over to his username and opening a chat window. Then I had sat there, staring at it some more. I couldn't help but notice that he had removed his picture, which had been of us making funny faces on his webcam. I had deliberated for quite a while before I had finally decided that the first time that I talk to him should really be in person – but by then, a message had already popped up, indicating that he had signed off.
I had felt very frustrated after this happened and was about to sign out myself, when another chat window had popped up on my taskbar. Looking at the name, I'd known it was Misa. I had clicked on it with a sense of trepidation.
3Superstar3 says: matty!
Sighing, I had put my laptop on my lap and started typing.
TheMattHatter says: Yes?
3Superstar3 says: were have u been? i heard from lawli who heard from his grandpa that u and mells are fighting!
TheMattHatter says: Not exactly. It's just a misunderstanding. He's not really talking to me right now, though.
3Superstar3 says: mello can be sooo grumpy… give him chocolate! :) lol
Despite myself, I had smiled.
3Superstar3 says: OH! And since when have u and wedy been dating?
And just like that, the smile had disappeared.
TheMattHatter says: Um… Long story. We're not anymore.
3Superstar3 says: :O
3Superstar3 says: did she dump u? misa can go teach her a lesson if u want
TheMattHatter says: Uh… no. That's fine. Won't be necessary.
3Superstar3 says: ohhh misa gets it
TheMattHatter says: …
3Superstar3 says: u were going out with wedy but mells got all jelly and so now wedy is out of the picture. and u really loved mells the whole time but now he wont talk to u cause mello hates any1 putting him in 2nd place!
TheMattHatter says: … How long have you all known about this?
3Superstar3 says: lol! like a really long time. i mean its really obvs if u think about it. theres no doubt that mells flaming but we werent sure about u. i always thought u guys would be cute tho 3 so best of luck! i still say get him chocolate lol
I didn't type anything for anything for a long time after that. A response hadn't been needed, however, because Misa had taken the hint and changed the subject.
3Superstar3 says: so i dont know if u know but my light and lawli are going to school in japan next year
TheMattHatter says: That's awesome. Not really that surprising that they got into the program, though.
3Superstar3 says: i know! my light is the smartest person i know 3 im so sad that hes not gonna be here tho :(
TheMattHatter says: I'm sure you'll keep in touch.
That would be unlikely knowing Light, but I hadn't been about to tell Misa that. Also, I'd wondered if this had anything to do with the "problems" that Halle had mentioned.
3Superstar3 says: oh we will :) but what i wanted to tell u is that this weekend every1s gonna get together on greybrook hill and bury a time capsule thing and have a fire and stuff. mello said he might be there ;)
TheMattHatter says: Yeah, I'll come… Will Wedy be there, too?
3Superstar3 says: um probs…
TheMattHatter says: I see.
3Superstar3 says: so ya lol bring something good! gtg toodles xoxo
Almost immediately, she had signed off, and I had been left with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ
The morning of the third day, I was woken by the distant sound of music. The more I regained my consciousness, the louder it got. At first, I was all for stuffing my head under my pillow and getting some more sleep, but then it occurred to me that it might be my phone ringing. Once I had considered that possibility, I immediately recognized the song I used for Wedy's ringtone.
I jumped out of bed and snatched my phone off my dresser, pressing it to my ear just in time. "Hello?"
"Uh… Hi." There was a pause. "Matt, is that you? You sound different…"
"Sorry," I said, then cleared my throat. "I just woke up."
"… You do realize it's noon, right? Isn't today one of your workdays?" A critical note crept into her tone, making it almost sound like she was scolding me.
I ran a hand through my hair, which – of course – was made even messier than usual by sleep. "Not anymore. Everyone got laid off. The store is closing down."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry… but, uh, why did you call?" I asked, looking about my room awkwardly. "Not that it's a problem or anything…" I flushed, all too aware of how much that sounded like an afterthought. It didn't make a difference, anyway; it's not like she could actually see my face.
She didn't answer me right away, but when she did, she completely caught me off guard. "Do you think you could meet me somewhere? You know, to talk."
"Um… Sure. Where were you thinking of?"
"The bleachers by the football field, maybe…"
"That's fine," I said without thinking. A part of me thought it was a little strange that she was calling me like this after how angry she had been, but that component of it piqued my curiosity, too. "I'll see you in twenty."
She hung up without saying goodbye. After that, I threw on some clothes, wrote a note to my mom to let her know where I'd run off to, and then set out for my old school.
I guess I really am a masochist.
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ
By the time I reached the football field, my curiosity was pretty much trumped by an intense feeling of anxiety. With each step, the feeling that I should turn around and go home became stronger. However, I resisted. Avoidance was what got me into this whole mess in the first place, and it was seriously time to man up.
Besides, if she didn't punch me when I told her that I had cheated on her with my male best friend, I doubt that she would do it now.
… I hope.
As I walked towards the stands, I was blinded by the sun. I shielded my eyes against it (yet again missing my goggles) and carried on walking. It was only as I ascended the steps that I spotted Wedy sitting by herself at the very top, watching my approach while casually smoking a cigarette. I noted that she was back to her usual attire.
She pushed her sunglasses back onto her head and held out the cigarette carton to me as I got closer.
I grabbed my own cigarette pack out of my pocket before sitting down next to her. "It's okay; I won't be mooching this time." I smiled at her, but her expression remained completely blank, and I quickly dropped it in favour of looking out over the field in front of us. After a time, I lighted a cigarette and allowed myself to sink into the quiet.
Wedy didn't leave me in suspense for long. Her cigarette burned down quickly, and as she stubbed it out, she rasped, "Don't think that me inviting you here means I've changed my mind; I'm still mad at you."
I watched her as she glared out into space, choosing not to say anything. I don't think she wanted me to, anyway.
She pursed her lips. "The worst part is, it's not really because you cheated on me. It was because I always knew it was going to happen at some point. Everyone always thought you and he getting together was inevitable – some people thought you already had. I was just the interlude, the girl who really should have known better." As she talked, she twisted a large ring around on her finger. The knuckles on her other hand were white from the tension.
Still, I said nothing.
"You know when I first started liking you? After that presentation that you and Mello did in Chemistry. All people could talk about was the fact that Mello had finally gotten a better grade than Near in something – but I knew the truth; you were the one that devised the whole experiment. I saw you working on it during lunchtime when I went back to the classroom because I forgot my textbook."
She looked over at me, possibly gauging my reaction, and I shrugged. "Mello had bronchitis at the time; I knew that Mello would want a good mark, so I picked up the slack," I explained. "Besides, it's not like I did everything. Mello was the one that formed the hypothesis that we wanted to test, and he wrote the whole lab report."
Wedy shook her head. "Regardless, it made me see you in a different light. I used to think you just didn't care about anything, but when I saw how much effort you put in to help your friend without expecting recognition, that completely changed. I started asking Halle what she knew about you, and the more I heard, the more I realized just how much I had misjudged you. I even tried to talk to you a few times, which I'm sure you don't remember…"
I tried to think back, but I couldn't remember it any more than I could the other everyday conversations I had had with my classmates that year. Even though she'd expected it, I still felt guilty.
The corner of her lips turned down into a scowl. "Mello was quick to pick up on my crush; if I so much as approached the two of you to ask for a pencil, he would give me a death glare. Whenever I ate lunch with Halle, and you guys happened to be there, he would always be hanging all over you and whispering in your ear while giving me a smug, sideways glance. It drove me nuts. But when I ranted about it to Halle, all she said was that I should probably stay out of it. Obviously, I ignored her."
She paused to light another cigarette. I waited as she took a few drags, looking like it dissatisfied her, but it was as if she was persevering out of habit more than anything else. She finally stopped her incessant twirling of her ring, and I realized for the first time that it was a mood ring. What didn't surprise me, though, was that it was a dark, dismal black.
Wedy continued, "I know I was being naïve. I mean, I built up this story in my head that you were this really deep, sensitive guy that was just being held back by your shyness. I thought if someone could crack you out of your shell and encourage you to stop depending on Mello so much, you would be much better off. And, you know, maybe on some level that's true – but I still didn't account for the fact that maybe you were the way you were by choice.
"You were too oblivious, anyways – about both Mello's feelings and my own. It's not like we could've asked you which person you preferred because you weren't even aware of our competition in the first place. That's why we started racing bikes on the highway. It went past hating each other for liking the same person; we just couldn't stand each other."
"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I didn't know."
She glared at me, somehow affronted. "Stop saying sorry for things that aren't your fault. It's really annoying."
I wisely said nothing, and she started speaking again.
"Mostly, I was just really mad because I couldn't understand why you said yes to going out with me when you didn't even feel the same way. I felt like you thought I wasn't even good enough to be told the truth. But my dad," – I flinched – "said something that made a lot of sense to me. He told me that you have to love people for who they are, not for who you think you can make them into. Sometimes it's better to just accept things as they are instead of resisting and trying to make them exactly how you want them." She bit her lip before lowering her head, letting her hair cover her face from my view.
"When I told Halle after L's party that I was thinking of asking you out," she continued, "she again told me that I should let it go. I was angry, and I told her that I would give you the choice and see which option you would choose. But I had this idea of who you were, and what you were supposed to say, and I guess I made that pretty clear when I asked you. I can't exactly be mad at you for giving me exactly what I wanted. So… I guess… That's why I wanted to talk to you today: to let you know that I don't think you're a complete bastard."
"Oh… Well, um… Thanks," I said.
She nodded.
By this time, my cigarette had burned down to the filter and I crushed it beneath the toe of my boot. I exhaled slowly, turning over everything that she had told me in my head. I heard her shift next to me, and I looked over at her. For the first time during this entire conversation, we met each other's eyes.
Wedy narrowed her eyes at me. "What are you thinking? You always just sit there, brooding, and it's like you expect me to fill in all the blanks. Just tell me for once."
I ducked my head and looked down at my lap. Stalling, I picked at a hangnail. I could feel the weight of her gaze on me like an actual physical presence, and my comfort level was dropping fast.
Okay. You know what? Fuck this shit.
I looked her straight in the eye. "Do you want me to tell you the truth?"
"Raw and uncensored." Her lips twitched up at the corners almost imperceptibly. "Do your worst."
I took a deep breath. Then…
"You actually sound a lot like how Mello talks about Near."
Her eyes widened.
"See, for them it's grades," I continued on, my anxiety dissipating with each word I forced out of my mouth, "but it's not at the same time. It's just a stand-in; for Mello, an A represents physical proof that he's special and that it's actually worth it to be who he is. Validation, you know? That's why it bothers him when Near seems to just have things easy. And I think – remember you told me to be honest – that maybe that sense of being special is what you were trying to get from me.
"I know that this is not what you're going to want to hear, but I have to say it…" I turned towards her, and she avoided looking at me. "I'm not proud of what I did to you. In fact, it ranks near the top of the things that I've been beating myself up over for the past while. I really do like you as a person – and you're right; I should have never strung you along like I did. It was wrong, and I fully admit it. I've been lying to myself and others for a long time – but I've been trying to change that.
"And don't think either that I kissed Mello just because you didn't measure up in some way. Because of my mistakes, the relationships that I had with the both of you got tangled in ways they never should have, and I'm sorry for that."
As I finished speaking, I noticed the tears running silently down her face, and I reached out and placed my hand over hers. She jerked her head to the side, but she allowed my hand to stay where it was.
"Wedy…" I pleaded, "Please look at me."
She did, and despite her tears, her gaze was unwavering and strong.
I softened my expression. "Don't you see? It's me that's not good enough for you – not the other way around."
She hiccupped in response, and I smiled.
"Shit… Stop being so nice," she moaned. "It's really not helping."
"I'm sorry," I said, pulling her into a hug.
All of a sudden, I felt a minor pain in my shoulder as she smacked it with her palm. I pulled back in surprise.
"I told you to quit saying sorry." Wedy glowered at me as she wiped away the last of her tears.
I smirked, just asking for it. "'Sorry."
Yeah, that whole 'Mr. Kenwood is not amused' look? Wedy totally inherited it.
After that, I joined her in having one last cigarette, the entire time watching her while she pretended to not notice me. Finally, I wore her down and she plucked her cigarette out from between her lips, stuck her tongue out at me, and then primly crossed her legs, angling her body away from me. I laughed, finding this incredibly funny.
She huffed, trying hard to hide her smile. "Man, you're annoying… Forget I ever complained; I'm sure you and Mello will be perfectly happy together."
I smiled, but this time it was half-hearted. God knows we're nowhere near that point.
"So… you're okay with this?"
"I never said that." Wedy furrowed her brow. "I'm just not raging mad anymore. That's progress, right? And maybe – in time – we can be… friends."
I was taken aback by this, but I got over it quickly. This conversation had certainly turned out differently than I had thought it would. I guess you just can't go around in life thinking that you know everything.
I bumped her shoulder with my own good-naturedly, smiling. "I'd like that."
For the first time today, a true smile lit up her face. Then, her demeanour did a one-eighty again as she groaned jokingly, sounding put upon, "I guess that means I'll have to make an effort to get to know Mello, too."
I laughed. "Just be warned; he has a bad habit of growing on you without you realizing it."
She snorted, hiding her smile behind her hand as she reached up to take her cigarette out of her mouth. "'Like a tumour."
It descended into silence after that, but it was a comfortable one. It was strange, but I realized that this was the most at ease that I had ever felt around her. As we sat there in the warm afternoon sun, watching the clouds and jet trails slowly dissolve into the blue, one thought remained clear in my mind.
Life never turns out the way you expect.