Chapter 22

Sirius sat on a bench near the platform, watching the train lumber off into the distance. He wrapped his coat closer to him, and buried his face into the collar. If he had been alone, he would have just transfigured into his dog state, he always seemed to be warm then. Leaning back, he watched the train round the bend and out of site. James and Lily were probably snuggled together in their own compartment, talking about the holidays and how wonderful life was.

Sirius wanted to vomit.

Sighing he stood up and went back toward the castle. He had wanted to catch Olivia before she got on the train to say good bye to her. He wasn't entirely sure why since she now openly hated him. Olivia, he decided, was like an addiction. Sirius pondered the analogy on his cold walk back through the castle. She was bad for him, that was plainly obvious, but he still sought her out like he couldn't get enough of her. He wanted her attention, and he didn't really know why.

"Women are bloody confusing." He huffed, finally reaching the Gryffindor Common room.

He saw Peter reading his Astronomy book near the fireplace when he came sauntering in. Peter looked up excitedly and Sirius all but threw himself onto the seat next to him.

"How's Remus? The uh…cycle is soon isn't it?" Sirius asked, eyeing the room carefully for anyone who could overhear.

Peter shrugged. "A few days, he's getting a little rough around the edges." He looked at his friend carefully. "Did you see her?"

Sirius shook his head and looked away. "Peter, why do I even care?"

Peter smiled. "Because you love her and won't admit it."

Sirius didn't acknowledge him right away. He thought about all of his convictions, thoughts of love, and tried to string everything into a tangible thought. Since the moment he realized how to manipulate women, he'd been doing it well. Love was something normal people could feel, but Sirius was anything but normal. His family hated him, and most of the time he thought he hated himself too. Surely people who grew up with no love couldn't be allowed to experience it themselves. It didn't make sense, how would he even know how to do it right?

Olivia's face flashed through his mind and he found himself smiling. Everything about her, even down to her own insecurities and violent behavior, he wanted her. He didn't just want her; he wanted to be with her. He looked over at Peter who was smiling stupidly at him.

"Peter, if you want to be with someone…not sexually…that's friendship. Not love. I think I want to be friends with Olivia." Sirius said thoughtfully.

Peter rolled his eyes. "You're not convincing anyone but yourself mate."

Sirius frowned. "But I'm good at strings of meaningless sex, and if I only had meaningless sex with just one person…it might end up meaning something and that's the exact opposite purpose of having strings of meaningless sex."

Peter sighed heavily. "And you all think I'm the stupid one." He said sadly, standing up to leave. He looked down at Sirius before he turned. "Sirius, think about all the meaningless sex you've had, and then think about Olivia. Do you think you'd be ok with just having her once?" Peter looked at him for a moment, piercing him with an odd stare, and then he departed up the stairs.

Sirius draped his arms behind him along the length of the couch, staring into the fire. He thought back to his drug analogy. Cursing softly he leaned his head back to stare at the ceiling.

If he had to spend the entire break thinking of ways to make everything up to Olivia, he decided that he would. When she had looked him in the eyes to tell him how much he had been hurting her, it made him feel awful inside. He'd never felt awful about doing anything to a girl before…but this was Olivia after all.

He thought of all the awful things she used to do to him and couldn't understand why no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't feel resentful, he only felt more awful.

"She'd beat me with blunt objects and not feel sorry about it, but I take a girl she hates to a dance for selfish reasons and I feel like an ass." He said angrily to himself. "And I still feel like an ass."

He thrust his hands through his hair in frustration. Thinking on Peter's words, they sank into him like concrete. Would he be ok having her just once? If he couldn't openly revolt against her without feeling like the worst person in the world…if he couldn't go a day without hurting her in some minuet way and felt the need to take back everything and make it up to her… how was he going to go through with this bet without completely destroying himself in the process? Would his conscious let him?

"Bloody hell, I think I do love her." He whispered to the fire.

Olivia sat on her bed thinking of all the ways she could stay out of sight during the holidays. As long as Sirius didn't know she was here, she could be completely and blissfully by herself.

She didn't want to stay away from him that was the only problem. As much as she'd love to hit him again, she felt the need to talk to him. Olivia grimaced. Talking wasn't her norm when it came to boys. Who needed communication when she could just grab their arm and twist it behind their back until they said 'Uncle'? She'd win, and there was no talking involved. Problem solved. So why did she feel like everything was so unsettled?

She probably didn't hit him hard enough. Olivia nodded resolutely. That had to be it.

Looking around the empty dorm room she frowned. Christmas was in a few days and avoiding Sirius would most likely become increasingly difficult if she planned to venture out for food. Olivia sighed, even if she wanted to talk to him, what would she say? Thinking about the scene in the foyer, her blood boiled a little hotter. He was taking her for a fool, and that was a big mistake. He had been playing games with her, and dragging innocent, albeit clueless, people into the mess and he was still going along with the bet. How stupid could he be? Olivia fumed with her thoughts. She clenched her fists. She was done. Why waste her time on a stupid boy who only thought of himself? Olivia's heart wrenched and she thought about the pain on Severus' face when he accused her of never knowing about loving someone who couldn't love you back. The breath in her chest caught, and her head felt heavy. The only way this could be solved, was for him to leave her alone. She was so angry it hurt, but she couldn't tell if she was angry at Sirius, or herself.