This time Ste had remembered to set the alarm before getting into bed. He hand't wanked off though, because he was being paranoid about the noises and how they would echo in the quiet apartment. He had laid on the bed in the dark, allowed his thoughts wander and slid his hand between his legs, but just imagining it being Brendan's hand, Brendan's fingers gently stroking over his hole had made him whimper in the pillow so he had stopped.
He had a restless night with weird dreams he could hardly remember, except one part which had been clear as day. He had been anxious and lost somewhere with lot of people, certain that he had been followed. Them someone had been next to him, pulling him, and instead of fighting back Ste had surrendered to it, getting wrapped in tight embrace. There had been hand in his hair and words being murmured to his ear, and just when Ste had been wanting more the sound of alarm pushed through waking him up. Ste didn't need to guess who the person holding him had been, and hoped he could have had five more minutes of the dream.
Ste had hard time focusing in his morning tasks, when all he wanted to do was to watch Brendan standing there with his morning coffee, dressed completely in black today, while Ste quickly threw together a breakfast for them. He hoped that Brendan would count his edgy behavior for the nervousness because of the stalker and having to step on the TV cameras again.
It wasn't completely a lie either. Staying indoors with Brendan was easy. Being at Tony's was easy, because Ste knew the place and he could get lost in the work. Being with his kids had been easy, because even when they had been outside he had seen Brendan all the time. But going into busy TV station and knowing hundreds or even thousands people would see him through their television in couple of hours made him want to throw up. But at the same time he was desperate to show who ever was watching him too closely, that he wasn't afraid.
Still, once they got on their way to make it to the studio at time, the closer Brendan's car got the more anxious Ste was feeling. When he saw the group of fans on the front of the building he wanted to ask Brendan to turn away, but then they were already on the back gate and the guard walked to Brendan's side and indicated him to open the window.
"Good morning." He said to Brendan, then spotted Ste next to him. "Oh, morning Ste."
"Morning Jeff." Ste cleared his throat. "How's it going?"
"Bit busy since yesterday, with the new safety updates. You must know all about them already? The email?" He continued when Ste looked puzzled.
"I didn't check my mail. What is it?"
"Just need to keep a closer eye for anyone who enters or leaves the building, that's all, updating the register for the car license numbers and so forth. And people needing pass for their guest so no more sneaking friends on set." Jeff looked from Ste to Brendan and back. "I guess you don't have one, then?"
"No, sorry. We'll get one sorted right now. And you can add this car to your list too, we'll be using this one in the future."
For a second Ste thought Jeff wouldn't let Brendan in, but then he seemed to remember something and wrote something down in his notepad. "Of course, yes. I'll mark this license up and you get in the office and get the pass for mister..."
"Brady." Brendan said and Jeff made another note.
"Mister Brady. I'm sure there won't be any problem to get one regarding the situation."
"Thanks Jeff."
"Yes, thank you Jeffrey. Good to see the security is on top notch." Brendan said and Jeff looked pleased when letting them drive inside the parking lot.
There was a guest spot free and Brendan left the car there, and they made their way inside through the massive doors. Ste lead the way and took them into the info desk at first, where the newcomers, guests and reporters usually asked directions. Ste explained that they needed a guest pass for Brendan, and the woman who was on duty gave Brendan very appraising looks while sorting it out. Ste remembered the way Jem had been all over Brendan the day before, and his mood had a massive drop. He snatched the pass from the lady's hand before Brendan and rushed them forward towards his dressing room in upper floors.
"Steven. Jesus, Steven, slow down, what's the matter?"
"Nothing." Ste reached the lift where few people were already waiting the ride. "Here." He showed the pass in Brendan's hand and kept staring the number indicating which floor the elevator was coming.
He could feel Brendan's eyes on him and felt ashamed of his behavior. Brendan was an attractive guy, and what Ste had gathered he was single too so it wasn't Ste's business to control who he talked to. But at the same time he couldn't help this rush of feelings he had when he thought Brendan flirting with people. It had only been few days but Ste liked Brendan being there for him, and the idea of someone taking that away made him see red.
The lift arrived and they got in. With all the other people it got pretty full and there was a rush of panic for Ste to be in such a small place. But then there was a pressure against his side when Brendan leaned closer, and he made himself focus on sensations of that. It was so close to Ste's dream that it scared him.
Once the lift reached third floor Ste was already much calmer. They got out and Ste showed which way to go. There were other people rushing around, reading their scripts and carrying props or coffees for demanding stars. Ste stopped in front of his door and pushed it open.
There were fresh flower on his table and handful of letters. He had a quick look over them but nothing seemed suspicious so he let them be.
"Not gonna read them?" Brendan asked from the door frame where he stayed standing.
"Don't have time." Ste pulled his chef jacket from the hanger. Also he didn't want to read in front of Brendan in case he would notice how bad Ste was at it.
"Excuse me?" Voice was piping behind Brendan, who stepped aside and gave room to a young woman to make her way into Ste's room. "Hi, love, I came in earlier but you weren't here yet, I worried you'd be late."
"Sorry, yeah we had to run by the info desk to get the visitor pass to Brendan." Ste was pulling the jacket on while the woman placed her little make up kit on his desk. Ste was very aware of Brendan's presence. Ste didn't get the whole make-up thing anyway, but every time before stepping in front of cameras he needed to have his face covered with something, powder, was it, and God knew what else. Brendan was probably very amused about the whole thing, so Ste avoided looking at him while the woman did her thing and when she was pleased she was on her way towards who ever was the next victim.
"Right, we need to hurry." They made their way back to elevators and waited the lift to arrive to take them to next floor. There was no one else in this time so they had lot of space between them, but before the doors opened Brendan reached to straighten the collar of Ste's jacket.
"Ta." Ste managed a smile. "Are you excited to see the how the magic happens, then?" he asked while they entered the studio area. It was a big place, lots of different sections, lights and cameras everywhere, people rushing around to make sure everything was moving smoothly. There were two hosts talking in the couches in front of massive windows, and Ste knew his part was up soon. "This way."
He showed Brendan where he could stay so he wasn't in a way of anyone, and then rushed to his little kitchen set. Ste quickly ran through the tools and ingredients which were laid in front of him to make sure he had everything. Right, focus. What was it he was supposed to do today? Quick noodle wok, that was it. They decided the recipes weeks before hand, and it sometimes annoyed Ste how he was supposed to be natural when it was all very scripted after all. And the noise, there was so much going on around him, so many little things he needed to focus in. He saw the hosts were wrapping their part up, and the set director giving his signs to move things forward. Few moments from now and the cameras would be on him, all those people, watching and judging his every move.
His heart was racing and he felt he was starting to sweat any given second, ruin the make up which was supposed to make him look normal and easily related, and reveal what a mess he truly was.
The lights were on so it was hard to see what was happening behind them, but somehow Ste knew Brendan was close. He could just barely made his outline in the darkness behind the scenes. Suddenly he could remember the comforting pressure of Brendan's arm against his own. The security of it. And when the light of the camera turned green indicating it was on, it was easy for Ste to throw out his biggest smile and greet the viewers.
He was on a roll then. He didn't think about any of the creepers who might be watching over him. He didn't think about anyone who might laugh at him stumbling on words or accidentally making a bit of a mess. It was just him and the food and all he had to do was to prepare it and say what he was doing while he was doing it. It was easy. When he plated the dish he presented in to the camera and even said that fucking stupid catch phrase of his and kept on smiling until the light on the camera went off and they turned the bloody thing away from him.
Ste let out a mighty sigh and gave up with the cleaning when the crew members were already on it. He just wiped his hands and walked off the set away from the bright light and found Brendan standing where he had left him.
"Well? Was it as you imagined?"
"Sort of. I've heard something from Anne, but it's different to actually see how it all works, how many people are behind the scenes." Brendan tilted his head a little in a way that Ste realised he had started to adore. "You did well."
"Thanks." Ste hoped it was dark enough that Brendan didn't see him blush.
"Ste!" Ste turned towards the sound and saw the general manager making his way towards them. He was a somewhere around his fifties and trying to hide his age with insane work out routines and getting hair transplants which were kind of a joke among the staff. Ste had only talked to him few times and the man had always seemed to be extremely busy.
"Mister Clarke." Ste wondered what this was all about. "How are you?"
Mister Clarke stopped in front of them and his attention was in Brendan, looking up and down at him. "Yes, good, I assume your Ste's... What is it called?"
"Bodyguard." Brendan said. "Brendan Brady."
"Clarke." It looked to Ste like he was trying to battle for the dominance with his handshake, but Brendan's face remained unreadable no matter how hard Clarke was squeezing his hand. "Well then Ste," he said once he had got enough with his weird greeting ritual "I want to have a word if you don't mind. Private, please."
"Umm." Ste threw a look for Brendan but his expression didn't change. "Okay. Do you remember where we came in? If you want to go outside to wait. I'll meet you in the car?"
"What ever you say, Steven." Brendan agreed. Ste still felt awful to leave him stand there when he tried to keep up with Clarke who was already rushing through the hallways towards his office.
"Yes, come in, sit, sit." Clarke's office was full of schedules, contracts, magazines with station stars on the covers. Ste moved away pile of gossip magazines so he had room to sit in the chair Clarke was pointing. He himself half sat on the table in front of Ste. "Right. Ste. Are you doing alright?"
"What?" Ste was feeling confused.
"I have been informed by DC.. DC..."
"Scott?" Ste suggested.
"Yes, DC Scott, about your situation. I just want you to know how sorry I am about the situation and that all of us here in the station want to make you feel as safe and secure as possible." He gave Ste a fatherly smile.
"Okay."
"So, as you probably have noticed, we have tighten up the security so there's nothing to be worried about inside the building."
"Thank you." Clarke was looking at Ste like he was expecting more. "I appreciate it."
"It's no bother, we just want out staff and celebrities to feel as safe as possible. But there's something else I need to talk to you with. You remember that the stations 10 year anniversary coming up? I need you to go in the party."
"No." Ste was shaking his head. "I don't want to."
"Ste." Clarke was serious now. "I know this is a hard time for you. But in your contract you have agreed to attend at least six events during your stay with us, for publicity. So far you have only been on three, and your contract is coming to an end soon. And we need everyone from our team on that party to show how well we are doing, right?"
"But..."
"Besides you have your Marlon-"
"Brendan."
"Brendan who you can take in as your plus one if you feel scared to go alone." Clarke laughed. "It would give a good boost for your image, to have a bodyguard always gives up status of importance."
"I don't want to be important."
"I know, I know." Clarke sighed. "But I'm serious Ste. Everyone is going. Including you. I might look past rest of the agreed events judging situation, but I need you in this one."
It seemed he had no choice. "Okay."
"Good. Now. One more thing."
Oh God, what else? "Yeah?"
"About Noah Baxter. I know you two had a... a relationship before he moved stations. The thing is, he's going to be there too."
::::::
When Steven had walked in front of the cameras he had looked like he would break. Brendan wasn't sure did anyone else catch it, but in these few days Brendan had spent lot of time watching him and studying his expressions, so he could pick up the small but telling signs. Steven's eyes were running around the sets like scared animal, but then it seemed like they settled to Brendan's even when Brendan was sure Steven couldn't actually seen him from the blinding lights directed towards him. It must have been just wishful thinking of Brendan's side, but what ever it was it seemed to calm Steven, and suddenly he was like another person. Soon as the director gave a sign he started his performance and his confidence left Brendan breathless.
It had been joy to watch Steven through his TV screen, and it was even better to see him cooking live. Brendan could see the whole picture, not just his hands cutting the ingredients, but also the way Steven tongue poked out from his mouth when he was focusing, or the passion in his eyes. Still, no matter how much Brendan enjoyed watching Steven perform in front of the cameras, it didn't come even close the moments when he was still wearing his comfy home clothes and hair ruffled from the bed when he was sizzling sausages and bacon for Brendan's breakfast.
When the dish was ready and the cameras turned off Steven's shoulders dropped a little like what ever had just happened would have been exhausting. He made his way to Brendan and they had a little chat before Clark arrived and wanted to take Steven with him. For that few seconds Brendan had met him he could already tell Clarke was just someone who thought they were more important than they were, a show off. Steven seemed reluctant to go, but followed the man in the end, as Brendan didn't see any reason to stop it. He doubted the guy would be able to do any harm him.
Brendan started to make his way back outside, figuring which way they had come in to when he heard a click of heels coming to his way.
"Well this is a surprise!" Anne threw herself towards him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You all alone? Where's Ste?"
"Guy called Clarke snatched him away."
"Urgh, poor Ste. Clarke's quite a character. Means well tho, so your boy is completely safe with him." She gave Brendan a wide smile before getting serious. "But you being here must mean Ste's little problem has not gone away, then. I was surprised when I came in yesterday and they had tightened up the security... Is it because of The Thing?"
"Sadly, yes. It's a bit bigger problem now."
"Oh dear. I'm so sorry to hear that. But, tell me, how is it going on with you two?"
"Okay, I guess. Bit different than my normal gigs. He's not quite my normal customer, is he."
"I bet he's not."
"What do you mean?" Brendan frowned at the way she was looking at him.
"Oh come on. I have eyes. You were giving him The Look when we came over, weren't you?"
"What? No I didn't." Brendan tried but Anne didn't seem to be fooled.
"Ste is very pretty, very single and very gay. There's nothing wrong with finding him attractive."
"He's also my very client," Brendan sighed. "You know you don't shit where you eat."
"Didn't know that's what you like to do with your boys..."
"Anne, I'm being serious. I'm supposed to be looking after him, not... not try to take advantage of him. You know what happened last time when I..." Brendan swallowed. Anne was touching his arm lightly.
"You know it wasn't your fault. Anyways, I'm sorry for joking. I just thought my cupid senses noticed something when I saw you two together."
"Yeah, well, I'm sure Steven is not interest about old guy trying to get into his pants."
"'Old?' Are you being serious?" She looked outraged. "I once dated a guy who was 25 years older than me, and let me tell you, there are perks with older men... Not that you are one." Then she was grinning wildly again. "You just admitted you want to get into his pants."
Brendan gave her a long look but couldn't help but smirk. "The boy has a arse sculpted by gods, what else can I say."
"Ooh this is so exciting!" Anne squealed. Brendan rolled his someone called Anne to get back into set. She gave him another hug. "I'll start writing my best woman speech for your wedding." She whispered, winked and strode off before Brendan could reply.
He found his way to the lift and then it was just traveling to the bottom floor and figure out which was the way towards the backdoor. While he was walking out he was pretty sure he would regret what he'd just said to Anne, but the same time it felt good to say it out loud. Well, at least the very, very mild version of his thoughts.
Brendan sat on the car to wait Steven, and to pass the time he texted to Cheryl, to tell her he'd been in the sets of the show. Like he suspected, her eager reply came back soon and for a while they texted back and forth. She was a handful at times, but Brendan still missed her.
When the passenger door opened it startled Brendan a bit, and he turned to look Steven when he scrambled in the car and slammed the door shut.
"Okay?" He asked and then had a better look at Steven. "Steven, you okay, what happened?" The lad was breathing hard and staring in front of him like he didn't properly see anything. Brendan's heart started to race. Had that guy touched Steven, he would get back inside and break his neck and -
"We need to go." Steven was shaking.
"Steven?"
"Please can you just drive?" Steven shot him a anxious look.
"Okay. Okay. Home?"
"No." He shook his head. "I don't want to go there when I'm... Somewhere else, please? Anywhere, but not home."
"Okay." Brendan thought for a moment and then knew where to take him.
Jeff waved at them when they drew out from the gate, but Steven didn't even notice. They didn't speak while Brendan was driving, and every time he glanced over Steven he looked distressed and distant, biting his nails or playing with his sleeves. At one point Brendan quickly pulled on the side of the road and run to a coffee stand to get them drinks, constantly checking the car during those few minutes, before returning to car and continuing driving. Finally Brendan reached the area he had planned. He left the main road, drove uphill and few minutes later they came into an opening with a grand view for the countryside in front of them. Brendan parked the car.
He handed one of the coffees to Steven. "There was no milk, sorry. But there's sugar in it."
"Thanks." Steven took a sip and made a face, and then they looked at each other properly for the first time since Clarke took Steven aside.
"Want to tell me what happened? Is there something I can do?"
Steven shook his head at first but then it seemed he had to talk after all. "You know that in our contracts we have to kinda agree to give the station some good publicity? Like attend to events and stuff?"
"I do, yeah." Most his clients enjoyed to push themselves out there and didn't need a reminder, but Brendan should have realised Steven wouldn't enjoy events like that.
"So there's this party coming up, anniversary or something, and my boss wants me to go. And I was already upset because of that, 'cause I don't like those things even when everything is normal and now... Anyway, then he told me that... that Noah is coming there too. 'Cause apparently he's moving stations again and is coming back to ours." Steven stared at his coffee cup like he wanted to murder it.
"Noah?"
"My ex." His voice was very small.
Oh. Brendan turned a little sideways on his seat so he could look Steven better without straining his neck. "That what upset you?"
"Yeah, 'cause, me and him, we didn't... It wasn't nice. Any of it." Steven sniffed. " He was my first... first boyfriend and that."
Brendan hoped his face remained steady while his insides took a twist. "I see."
"I mean, I didn't know much about that and was just excited that someone wanted me so I didn't want to see at first how he just... used me." Steven looked like he was about to cry Brendan found a new kind of rage inside him towards this Noah fellow.
"Did he... did he hurt you?" There were flashes of memories of someone else Brendan had once known, someone who had been hurt, someone he ended up hurting too.
"No. Well, not in purpose, I think." Steven took a sip of his coffee and Brendan waited him to go on. "I had never done that stuff before, you know, so it wasn't... It didn't feel nice. And I thought it would just take time for me to kinda, get used to it, and it would get better, but I still thought that it wasn't supposed to be like that. I know it's not supposed to be like that. It should feel good, right, when you're..." His face went red and he threw a sideways glance towards Brendan. "I'm sorry, you don't probably want to hear about this."
"It's okay Steven." Brendan was surprised how calm his voice sounded. He had never been this mad for anyone, as he now felt towards someone he had never even met. The idea of someone having their hands on Steven so selfishly was almost too strange to comprehend. How could anyone touch him and not want to give him pleasure? Even with his randoms Brendan always made sure they enjoyed what was happening – that was kinda the whole point of it. His own satisfaction was strongly linked to the fact that he could see the desire from his partners, from being able to make them feel better than any man before him. To imagine that Steven had never had felt that kind of pleasure made Brendan's heart ache. "Are you sure it wasn't him on the security tape? That this is not all his doing?"
"I'm sure, it's not him. This is not his style, he likes to pretend his above everyone else. Can you believe it was him who dumped me? Because I wasn't invested in to him enough. How stupid am I? Jumping on the first guy who shows any interest on me and let him.. use me, and then leave me because I'm not good enough." Steven's voice broke down but he swallowed and pulled himself together again. "And then he fucked off because he got a better job from another station but apparently it's not been as good as he made it sound because he's been coming back to ours soon as he'd been offered a raise. And my stupid ass boss says it's all okay because they have put his show in the first half of the show and mine's on the last one so if I'm lucky I don't have to see his stupid face on the set and won't cause a scene." His voice was getting stronger as he spoke and he was almost screaming at the end. Brendan reached out to touch his shoulder and that seemed to calm him down. "I just don't know how I can see him again."
"We'll figure it out, yeah? You said he's going to be in that anniversary party or something?"
"Yeah. And once I heard about that I said again that I won't go but my boss insisted. Because it's some massive launch to one of the stations financial partners new office building as well, so they have demanded everyone should be there and give their new place a good publicity. There will be tons of press in there and people will be asking who am I wearing and other crap." He managed to laugh at the end and hearing that honking noise, even if just briefly made Brendan smile too.
"Well, I'll be there for you, and make sure that Noah fella has nothing to do with you the whole evening. Alright?"
"Yeah." Steven nodded and they sat there in a silence for a while. "It's a lovely view." Steven said finally.
"Isn't it? I sometimes drive here to think. And there's a nice path bit further away for running."
"Yeah I won't be doing that." Steven said and they both let out a laugh again.
"Okay to go home now?" Brendan asked and Steven nodded again. "Good."
He turned the car around and they made their way back to the village. They didn't talk much, both of them in their own thoughts. Brendan was so conflicted with his own feelings. He knew it was wrong to even think about anything sexual when it came to Steven, but after learning how badly the lad had been mistreated he couldn't help but imagining how much he'd like to show Steven what it could be like. What it was to be wanted and respected. He was becoming painfully aware that it didn't mean just physically either, that Brendan wanted all of him. At the same time he had the memories of Vincent in his head, how vulnerable he had been when Brendan had first met him. How Brendan had broken his heart. He couldn't risk doing it to Steven, who had already been through so much.
His usual spot in Steven's street was free, so he pulled over and they made their way in. Steven was saying something about how Brendan could have his last night's left overs for lunch same time he bend to pick up the mail from the floor and flipped through it. Brendan pushed the door close after him and Steven suddenly stopped talking middle of the sentence.
Brendan turned to look at him, frozen like middle of the movement with one of the letters in his hand. "Steven? What is it?"
"It's another one." Steven handed the letter to Brendan. It was basic white envelope, like the one he had shown Brendan the day they met. Steven's name and address were written on it with clear handwriting.
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I recognize the handwriting." Steven was shuddering. "I don't want to read it, but what if it's something to use like a evidence? Can you read it? Please?"
"Okay." Brendan ripped open the envelope and peeked in. There was just a note in it. Brendan pulled it out.
Are you thinking of me when he's fucking you?
"Well? What is it?" Steven was agitated.
Brendan pushed the note back into the envelope.
"Just nonsense. Nothing you should worry about."
::::::
Next few days Ste settled into this new situation he was in. In a way nothing was different, he had his breakfast, went to the studio, had a rest in home before heading to the afternoon or evening shift in Tony's. Only difference was that he wasn't doing it alone.
Maybe it should have been more strange than it was. Maybe it would have been, if he'd hired anyone else than Brendan Brady to be his bodyguard. But he almost kept forgetting why Brendan was there half of the time, that's how natural it felt. They shared the similar sense of humor, and Ste loved their little banters and jokes. Brendan liked eating and Ste loved cooking, specially when he was cooking for someone. When they went to get more groceries Brendan always tried to pay, but Ste batted him away – it was his job to feed Brendan, and it was Brendan's job to make him feel secure.
In evenings they watched telly together, sitting on the opposite ends of Ste's massive sofa and Ste could feel the space between them and had to battle with himself not to cuddle up. Several times a day he had to remind himself that Brendan was there just to do his job. That Brendan was straight and not interested on him, that no matter how much Ste loved to spend time with him Brendan was paid to do it.
During one of his shifts in Tony's one of the waitresses came to him while picking up the ready dishes. Ste didn't know what Tony had told to rest of the staff, but none of them questioned Brendan's presence or how he got foods and drinks on the house each night they were in. But now this woman who had just started working there few weeks earlier and who's name Ste still didn't remember, came to him with a curious smile on her face.
"Oh Ste, your friend is so fit, isn't he! I just dropped him his meal and the size of his arms..." She looked like she was imagining those arms around her. "You know if he's seeing anyone?"
"He is." Ste said before he could stop himself, but thankfully the woman just gave a shrug and said "Pity", before picking up the dishes and going back to her work. Stacy, the other chef Ste was working with gave him a long knowing look, but Ste pretended he didn't notice it while focusing back to his work. He did feel awful about lying, but he also couldn't handle the rage and jealousy filling him every time he thought Brendan with those women swarming around him. If he paid Brendan to spend time with him, he wouldn't want him to flirt with any women during that time.
He felt almost as bad thinking about going for a drink with Doug on Friday night. Ste hadn't been directly saying Brendan what the occasion was, he had run it past in one of their conversation, mentioning he'd agreed to have a drink on a pub nearby which seemed to be fine by Brendan. Ste had been texting with Doug a little, but he was still having very mixed feelings towards the whole thing. Doug didn't give the same buzz for Ste's insights than just sitting on the sofa with Brendan did. But Doug was nice and seemed kind, the kind of person who wouldn't hurt Ste the way Noah had.
Neither Ste or Brendan had mentioned Noah since their conversation in the car and Ste felt relieved. He had been nervous of saying too much, he knew how straight blokes got uneasy when mentioning gay sex, but he was also glad that Brendan now knew the vaguely what had happened between them and why Ste had been so upset. He still was, and just the thought of seeing him again, working in the same station again made his skin crawl.
Looking it all back he could see why he had fallen for such relationship. If it even could have been said as a relationship, they had dated little over a month or so before Noah informed he was leaving the station and Ste with it. But when they had met Ste was barely out from the closet. After growing in a abusive surroundings where gays were made fun of Ste had had his fun with girls before moving together with Amy and Leah, followed by Lucas and it had been good for a while. But something had always felt off, causing problems to their relationship and eventually breaking them off. It had been only then when Ste had sat her down and talked with her. She wasn't as shocked as he had expected, and after gotten used to the idea she had started to encourage Ste to date guys.
There had been few drunken fumble in gay bar loos which made Ste feel embarrassed when he remembered those, but nothing serious. After he started to work in the station he met Noah who gave him the attention Ste craved. Noah knew Ste was new to it all, and it seemed to interest him even more. Few dates later Ste was eager and willing to do what ever it was that Noah asked, just to feel wanted and accepted. The first time had hurt like hell and Ste had to stop before it properly even started. Noah said it was fine but Ste could see it wasn't, that Noah had expected more of him and he had let him down. So when they tried again few days later Ste made sure to have a long shower beforehand to relax, and tried all the tricks he had learned form online to prepare himself. It had still hurt, but he had bit his tongue and gasped trough it, and Noah had seemed pleased afterwards. "The first time always hurts", he had said, only the second time hurt too, and the third. Ste had hoped more foreplay, that it would have been Noah to make him ready instead of himself desperately trying to make it easier, but that never happened. Noah always wanted him all fours, so Ste just leaned on his forearms and tried to breathe through it, waiting the moment which would make him scream in pleasure like he saw in porn. But none of the nudging and pushing nor Noah's sighs or the way he kept hold on Ste's hips made that happen. Maybe they all faked it in porn, after all.
But he had seen homemade videos, couples filming themselves, and it was different than the porn with paid actors. There was the connection, and the desire to give pleasure for their partners. Even if the guys weren't as attractive than some of the porn actors were, seeing video like that where they kissed and touched each other with love made Ste's heart hurt. There was nothing fake in those videos.
It was almost like Noah could have sensed that Ste was starting to doubt the whole thing, because before Ste had found the courage to ask Noah to touch him differently or suggest something new, Noah informed that he felt like Ste wasn't really invested into their relationship and that he'd be leaving him.
It had taken months to get over the hurt, embarrassment and feel of being used and now Noah was coming back to bring it all back up again. Maybe a nice guy like Doug would be exactly what Ste needed after everything that happened to him before.
Ste tried not to think how it might be with a man like Brendan, who made him feel all kind of things he never had before. His desire to let someone as strong and big to take over completely was both scary and erotic.
He had done his best to hide how flustered he got around Brendan, and hoped that it didn't cross his straight mind that a man could have a crush on him.
On Thursday Ste did his bit in the studio, and after that he filmed the longer part for Friday morning with a recipe which took more time to prepare than the short slot Ste had on live shows. It wasn't as easy, sometimes he had to stop what he was doing or do it again because director didn't like how he was moving or something. Brendan was always hanging in the background and this particular day, knowing that he would later have to bring up the subject of the upcoming date, Brendan's presence made Ste more clumsy than usual. When the director was finally pleased and rushed the material for the poor editors to make it presentable for the next day's show Ste quickly wished everyone nice weekend before they made their way to Ste's dressing room to drop off his chef gear.
Ste felt relieved when they had the short drive into his flat and he could relax again. Well, almost.
"Um, Brendan?" He said from the kitchen where he was preparing their teas.
"Steven." Brendan had made himself comfortable on the sofa, flipping on his phone.
"I've been meant to ask you about the tomorrow." Ste poured the hot water over the teabags. "About my.. When I go for drinks."
"You mentioned that." Brendan put down his phone and was looking at Ste. "I said it's okay, didn't I, you having a pint with your mate. You can't stop living because of this weirdo is stalking you."
"I know. But it will be very uncomfortable to you."
"Don't worry about it. You wont even notice I'm there. Unless you want to introduce me to your friend."
"Doug already knows you, don't he, and it would be pretty weird to have you with us when it's supposed to be a date."
"A what?"
"Your tea is ready."
"It's a date?" There was a tone in Brendan's voice which made Ste more nervous.
"Yeah." He blew in his cup. "With Doug."
"With Douglas? You can't be serious." Brendan looked Ste like he had lost his mind.
"Why not? He's decent." He felt the sudden need to defend Doug.
"I could fit that guy for my pocket. Is that your type?" Then Brendan seemed to notice he was crossing the line. "I'm sorry. I just thought I was going to look after you having a chat with a friend, not that I have to witness your date with Douglas."
"You don't have to come, alright, it's just few street down, I can go on me own!" Ste knew his was pouting from the way Brendan's eyes dropped to his mouth.
"No, you won't." Brendan pulled himself together. "I'll go with you."
They didn't talk about it afterwards – in fact they hardly spoke at all. Ste felt miserable the whole evening, trying to come up with conversation at first, but even when Brendan politely answered to him it was like there was a wall between them. In the end Ste left Brendan watch TV alone and escaped to his room to have a early night in, only he ended up staying awake till the early hours tormenting himself with awful thoughts.
Maybe Brendan wasn't okay with Ste being gay after all. Or it was okay as long as Ste didn't bring that up. The conversation in the car might have been pushing it already, and now having a date with a man was like rubbing it on Brendan's face. When Ste had come out for Tony there had been some awkward moments between them and Ste had worried he'd ruined their friendship before things had got back to normal to his great relief. And Ste knew that if by some miracle he would have still been in contact with his mum or stepdad they would have made his life even more like living hell after learning his sexuality. So maybe this was going on with Brendan too, even when he had said only thing that mattered was that Ste was his client and his job was to keep Ste safe.
Next morning felt just as awkward and Ste was glad he had a early sift in Tony's so they could leave the house soon as they finished their silent breakfast. Brendan eyes were on Ste the whole time he ate, like he wanted to say something but didn't, and it made Ste even more aware of how unnatural the situation felt after them getting so close during the past week. For the first time during that week he was glad to let Brendan take his place on the bar desk while he could escape in the kitchen to get busy with preparing lunches for Saturday crowd.
One of the waiters informed there were few fans in again who asked if Ste could greet them, and once Ste had finished his current dish he wiped his hand down and went in the dining room to meet them. They were a lovely male couple, who had come in earlier to meet him and who sent him lot of encouraging fan mail too. They were getting married next summer and were asking if Ste could do their catering and saying what kind of honor that would be. Ste loved the idea – by next summer his contract with the studio would be over and any upcoming job sounded interesting, so he asked them to send him more details about the dates and their wishes so he could work out a plan for them. When the guys asked a waiter to take a picture of them Ste was aware of Brendan's eyes on him from the bar, but he did his best not to look at him while making his way back to kitchen. He couldn't have stand to see the disgust in his eyes.
They had a quiet ride back home after Ste's shift was over.
"Are you hungry, do you want anything to eat?" Ste carefully asked once they were inside his flat.
"The food you sent me in the restaurant was enough, thank you. Even though it was a salad..."
Brendan's attempt to joke eased the pain inside Ste a little and he managed a small smile. "There was double the ham so no complains."
Again Ste felt like Brendan wanted to say something else, but instead he swallowed and looked somewhere over Ste's shoulder. "What time are we going out?"
"We agreed to meet up around seven, if that's okay?"
"Yeah. I'm gonna take a shower then before we..." Brendan nudged his head towards the upstairs. "Okay."
"Yeah it's fine." Ste watched him disappear up the stairs and went to his own room to wash up and change his clothes.
He tried to think what would look nice on him, to show Doug that he'd been paying attention for looking good. The polo shirt he had chosen was tight and made him look so skinny that Ste felt bit insecure about his frame, but it was the smartest shirt he had if he didn't want to go in full suit. The jeans he chose were new and Ste wasn't sure did he like the way they hugged his bum, but hopefully Doug would find it appealing. But while he was styling his hair and checking how he looked Ste kept thinking did he look too gay and how Brendan would react.
Ste went in the kitchen to have a yoghurt for a snack before going out, and few minutes later he heard Brendan coming down the stairs. When he stepped in the kitchen area Ste felt like someone had punch him in the gut. Brendan had changed clothes too, abandoning the shirts he wore "on duty" and was now wearing a black sweater with a V neck and light grey jeans. He had trimmed his beard too, and the hairs growing in his throat were mixing with the ones peeking from the opening of his shirt. With sleeves pushed up revealing his arms he looked casual, yet he was oozing with masculinity. Ste prayed his dick would stay down.
Brendan's eyes moved up and down on his body, making Ste even more flustered. "Well don't you look nice for Douglas." Ste might have been imagining but it was almost like Brendan's voice was bit lower than usual.
"Thanks." He managed. "Are you ready to go?"
"When ever you are, Steven. Can't keep your date waiting."
Ste wanted to throw a comeback to him, or tell him to fuck off if he was going to be as difficult the whole evening, but arguing would just make things worse so he swallowed his anger, grabbed his jacket and made his exit while Brendan followed his trails.
The pub Ste has chosen was close by, just quick fifteen minute walk to the area where his quiet neighborhood started to melt in the more busier town. Neither of them spoke during the walk, Ste was still too pissed off, partly for Brendan being such a homophobic ass and partly for himself for still fancying him.
They reached the pub and Ste walked in first. It was early still for the party people to arrive, but there was still a nice buzz from people who had stopped in for a pint before heading home from work. He spotted Doug straight away, making his way towards Ste with a wide smile.
"Hiya, so good to see you." Ste had noticed a way back that Doug had a love for sweaters and he was wearing one now too, thankfully it was darker and more sophisticated than some colorful ones Ste had seen on him, but Ste was instantly comparing his to the one Brendan was wearing and was filled with guilt.
"You too, I'm glad we made this happen." Ste decided to bite the bullet and leaned in for a brief one armed hug. When he pulled back Doug was flushed red but looked pleased.
"I have us table by the corner and I was – Oh hi."
"Hello Douglas." Brendan had come stand right behind Ste, close enough that he could feel his body heat.
"Um. Have I misunderstood something?" Doug's eyes moved from Ste to Brendan and back.
"You haven't." Ste assured and gave Brendan a warning look. "Brendan just didn't want to stay home alone but he won't bother us, will he?" He placed his hand on Doug's arm. "Do you have something to drink already?"
"Not yet, no." Doug was still giving Brendan suspicious looks. Brendan stared him down like he hated the sight of him.
"You go sit down and I'll get us something, yeah? What do you want?" Ste desperately tried to move things along and get Doug as far away from Brendan as possible.
"Beer, please."
"Coming right up. Okay, just wait for me there, right?" And when Doug made a slow retreat Ste pushed Brendan towards the bar desk and ordered drinks for him and Doug. "Right. You promised we won't even know you're here, so you better."
"I'll be on my best behavior." Brendan said sarcastically, still staring where Doug had gone. "I just hope you two will be so you won't get into trouble with public indecency."
"Fuck off Brendan." Ste said before he could stop himself and the look Brendan gave him was so amused that it made Ste more angry. Thankfully he got his drinks so he just turned around and made his way to Doug.
"Here ya go. Listen, Doug, I'm really sorry, but he wanted to come and it's a free country innit, and he said he wasn't bothered -"
"Ste, it's okay." Doug leaned closer and placed his hand on Ste's on top of the table. "I was bit surprised to see him but can we just forget he's even here and, you know, focus on getting to know each other more?"
"Sounds good." Ste gave him a smile.
They got on chatting after that. They had spend hours together while making Ste's book so they already knew enough things from one another that they could ask questions if conversation seemed to be drying off. Ste talked a lot about his kids. Doug told about growing up in America and how he had ended up in England. They laughed. Doug had pretty eyes and he was kind. Every now and then either one of them made a small touch for the other when, like placing a hand on their shoulder when they laughed, or brushed their thighs together under the table.
Ste wished he would have enjoyed it all.
Part of him did, he was sure. All the while when they were talking he kept thinking that if the stalker hand't come in his life, if he hadn't met Brendan, this date with Doug would have been what he had wished for. But from the corner of his eye he could see the bar and Brendan's dark figure sitting there. Ste had a quick glance towards him once when Doug was looking up some pic from his phone to show him, and Ste had seen Brendan staring at their direction with a glass of whiskey in his hand. Every second Ste spent with Doug he was more and more painfully aware who he would rather be with.
But he couldn't have Brendan, and maybe with time he could forget why he did fancy him at the first place. Maybe he would start to find Doug's horrible sweater collection endearing. Maybe he would stop wishing his American accent was a Irish one instead. Maybe one day he would realised he wasn't faking his interest, but was truly invested on what Doug was saying.
At one point Doug went to get them more drinks, and Ste turned so he could watch. Doug went to stand on the other end of the bar, far away from Brendan as possible, and the whole time Doug stood there waiting to be served Brendan had his eyes on him, chewing a toothpick. Ste couldn't understand what his problem was.
Second drink became the third, then fourth. Ste was getting more light headed and Doug was suddenly much more fun, everything he said made Ste burst out his honking laugh and he wasn't even embarrassed about the sounds he made. He was just wiping of tears from his eyes after some story Doug had told him about his high school years, when Doug suddenly got more serious.
"I just want to say, I'm really, really glad we did this."
"Me too." Ste said, and it was half true. He liked this, he just wasn't sure he liked what was expected from him to do next. Maybe he should just go for it, getting back in the saddle, even though it seemed pretty clear that with Doug Ste would have to learn to be the more dominant one.
Their eyes met. Doug's dropped to Ste's mouth. He seemed to find the courage and when he leaned closer Ste didn't flinch away. He just closed his eyes and let it happen.
He waited a spark, a rush of warmth, the excitement, but none of that happened. It was like kissing his brother, not that he had one, but even his kisses with Amy felt more something than this closed lipped kiss Doug was giving him.
It didn't last long before Doug was pulling back and Ste opened his eyes. Doug was smiling, a little breathless.
"Wow. That was..."
"I know."
"...Amazing."
Wait, what? Ste's drunk brain was having a crisis, how should he go on? Lie? Tell the truth? Throw up?
He didn't have to do any of that because there was a black tower next to them.
"Steven, we need to go."
"If you want to go, go." Ste shoot an angry look on him and then hoped he hadn't because just seeing Brendan's face made him more flustered than kissing Doug.
"You are drunk, and you have to work tomorrow. We are going." And before Ste had the chance to say anything else Brendan took a firm hold on his arm and somehow Ste was standing.
"Let go of me!" He yanked his arm free and glared at him. Brendan eyes were dark and he looked annoyed. Ste would have wanted to stay longer just to rile him up more, but he knew Brendan was right. He had always been light headed with alcohol and would probably have enough hard time to make through his shift with hangover from these drinks he already had in his belly. So Ste turned to Doug who looked them with questions in his eyes.
"I'm sorry Doug, I hadn't realised the time. I really do need to work in the morning. But I had fun, yeah, so we'll... we'll do this again?"
"Yeah, yeah of course." Doug stood up too and came in for a brief hug. "I'll text you."
"Bye then." Ste said and while he was rushing out the bar he heard Brendan's "See ya, Douglas." which just made him more mad.
The fresh air sobered Ste a little while he was storming through the streets. Brendan was right behind him, like staying in Ste's speed was no problem to him. Because it felt impossible to escape him Ste slowed down just enough that Brendan could reach his side.
"What was all that then, Brendan? What's with the attitude?"
"What attitude?" Brendan asked but Ste wasn't fooled, he could hear the annoyance on his voice.
"Why are you being such a dick towards Doug? What he's ever done to you, eh?"
"I don't like him." Brendan simply said and Ste, who had been expecting Brendan to lie or avoid the question halted by surprise.
"Why?"
Brendan had stopped too and was looking at Ste. "Don't you think it's suspicious, this Douglas to come into your life around the same time these letters start to arrive?"
Ste had to laugh. "Have you seen Doug? Does he seem someone who can do something as horrible as that?"
"You never know Steven, it's always the ones you least suspect."
"But the guy in the video was not Doug."
Brendan shrugged. "I don't know, he could have wear heels or something."
"Are you serious?" There were no signs of Brendan joking. Ste let out another laugh and continued to walk towards his home.
Ste unlocked the door and marched in, shrugging his jacket off while walking and throwing it aimlessly somewhere on the floor. He turned to face Brendan again.
"I think you just have a problem with me going out, right. Admit it."
"Well, maybe I didn't think my job description was to watch you to smooch with a yank the whole night." Brendan stepped closer, lowering his voice. "It's my job to look after you but watching you get intimate is not what I'm here to do."
"It was one kiss, one, okay. And it was you, wasn't it, who said I shouldn't let this thing stop me from living, yeah, that I should do what I normally do!"
"And is this what you normally do, Steven, hmm? Picking up lads and making out with them?" He was so close Ste could feel his breath on his face. "Maybe that's why lovely Amy wasn't so keen to move in, knowing she would have to sleep on top of you and who ever the fuck you drag in. Well, I won't have any of that either."
Ste was so stunned he had to take a step back. It seemed even Brendan was shocked by his own words and he opened to his mouth again, but Ste didn't want to hear what he was going to say. Instead he lunged at him, pushed Brendan's chest but even with his full force Brendan hardly budged.
"Fuck you! How dare you? After what I told you about... You know, you know I'm not... And how about you then, all those people trying to get a piece of you, is that why you're so mad at me going out, because you can't go fucking around?! You'd much rather spend the night with someone else than be stuck with me! Do you have your eyes on someone? Who is it?! Or do you just pick up anyone you fancy for a night?!"
And then it felt like all the fight left him and he just stood there, gasping for breath. He gave Brendan's chest one last shove but there was no strength in it at all. Ste had to tilt his head to look up at Brendan's face. He couldn't read the expression he saw. It was like Brendan was battling with himself. His eyes were very dark and he was breathing heavily too. Ste could see his nostrils flaring up like in anger. For a second Ste thought he might hit him, but then Brendan's eyes moved to Ste's mouth and Ste thought he might kiss him instead.
Then Brendan pulled himself together and stepped back. He swallowed, and cleared his throat. "I'm going to bed."
And then he was gone, up the stairs before Ste had a chance to react.
Slowly Ste got himself a large glass of water and went to his room. He brushed his teeth and washed his face, changed into a pajamas and got into bed. All the while his head was banging and Brendan's words echoed in his head.
How could have he said that? Ste thought Brendan knew him, knew what he was like, that Doug was only the second man Ste had kissed since Noah. The upset and disappointment made him curl into a ball under the covers.
His phone buzzed on the the nightstand. It was probably Doug, thanking for a nice night of something. Ste almost didn't read it, but maybe that would take his mind off from what had just happened. He blindly reached his phone and opened the message.
Steven. I'm sorry. I was out of line and didn't mean any of the things I said. It was very unprofessional and I understand if you feel I'm not suitable person to work with you. But I want you to know I regret what happened and how I hurt you.
It took a while for Ste to process what he was reading. It seemed he wasn't the only one haunted by words they had thrown to each other. Above him Brendan was laying awake too. He then had troubles to come up with an answer, and settled with a small reply.
Sorry I pushed you.
Few second later a new message.
You have nothing to feel sorry about.
But I do. I shouldn't have said or do any of that.
It was all on me. I know it's cowardly blame the whiskey, but I had one too many and it blurred my judgement. I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?
You are forgven. Being drunk was no excuse, but the situation they were in was pretty straining for them both. More than anything Ste wanted that they could get back to normal, that nothing they had said would ruin the friendship they had. At least Ste hoped it was friendship, and not just another job for Brendan.
You sure?
Can we just pretend this nver happend?
Deal.
And just when Ste thought there would be no more messages his phone buzzed again.
Goodnight, Steven.
It was too much, all the longing and pain storming inside Ste, trying to hold it all in and suppress the feelings he had. He held the phone near his heart and cried.