hey, everybody! Time for another chapter! But can you believe it? After this, there's only two chapters left to go!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Chapter Seventeen

We flew for hours, and Steve suggested multiple times that I sleep, but I couldn't. Not while we were going back there. I would have terrible nightmares, and I didn't want him to hear me scream in my sleep, and if he woke me in the middle of one of my dreams, I might think he's HYDRA and try to kill him. Instead, I chose to distract myself. "What's gonna happen to your friends?" I ask.

Steve was silent for a long time before he sighed. "Whatever it is, I'll deal with it."

I shook my head. I can't believe that he's doing this. He threw away all of his friendships, his status and his safety for an international assassin with more blood on his hands than Steve could ever acquire. "I don't know if I'm worth all this, Steve."

Steve was quiet for another moment before turning around in his seat to see me. "What you did all those years? It wasn't you. You didn't have a choice."

I almost scoffed. "I know. But I did it."

I understood cognitively that I didn't have a choice, but that didn't help with how it felt. I didn't have a choice, but I still watched myself kill in the service of the same people Steve and I both fought to bring down. I felt the guns underneath my fingertips and their necks snap under my hand. I remembered it all, and I couldn't do a single thing about it.

"The Winter Soldier was active for fifty years," Steve pointed out. "They captured you in '45. That leaves twenty missing years. You fought back for twenty years. Any other person would have broken after one. Everyone has their limits. You held on for as long as you could."

It was the same rationalization that I told myself daily. It didn't help. I still had those memories inside of me, and those words could still affect me. If anyone knows those words, they can start the whole process all over again, but this time I wouldn't be able to fight.

All the more reason to bring HYDRA's Siberian facility down.

After almost a day of flight the mountains of Siberia came into view. I had a few moments of sporadic sleep that weren't very restful. The moment I started to dream, it was of distorted moments of those twenty years I spent there. I would jump awake again after only a few minutes, and Steve would glance back at me, though he wouldn't say anything.

As the mountains came closer, I tried my hardest to calm myself down, but my heart refused to slow. I was so sick to my stomach I thought I was going to throw up.

Natalia is alive. She made it out of the Red Room. She survived. I took comfort in that fact. If she can survive several decades in the Red Room, I can survive Siberia for a few hours more.

What are Sebastian, Sandu, Adi and Adela doing? Were they worried that I turned up missing, or did they see the news and brand me as a murderer? I was working when the bombing happened, so they probably knew I didn't do that, but what else were they thinking? I miss them all. When I first met them, I triple checked their actions to make sure they weren't HYDRA, but I grew to trust them, and they grew to trust me. I didn't think someone like me could make friends.

"Bucky?" Steve's voice called, making me jump and look up at him. "Ready?"

I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to admit to myself that I wasn't prepared for this either. If I did, I might stay on this jet and never come off.

I unbuckled myself from the jet's seat and went to the back where I spotted a compartment labeled "Romanoff" earlier. If she behaved the same way I remembered, it was undoubtedly filled with weapons. I pulled the drawer out and was greeted with several different types of assault rifles, knives, handguns, grenades and other weapons. I smirked softly to myself. Maybe she hasn't changed as much as I have in all this time. My memory of her is spotty, but I remember how she made me feel when I was around her. She made me feel so...human. Like there was more to me than just those ten words. I latch onto my memory of her and I grab one of the ARs. When we get out of here, I will meet her again, and I will remember her. It's my mind, my memory and my choice.

I move away from the weapons rack and meet Steve by the landing ramp as it lowered, revealing the coldest environment I could think of.

Steve glanced at me. "Remember that time we had to ride back from Rockaway Beach in the back of that freezer truck?"

I smirked. Finally. Something I remembered. "Was that the time we used our train money to buy hot dogs?"

"You blew three bucks tryin' to win that stuffed bear for a redhead."

I smiled. I remembered this. I remember that girl. "What was her name again?"

"Dolores," Steve answered. "You called her Dot."

"Man, she's gotta be a hundred years old by now."

"So are we, pal," he pointed out, placing his hand on my shoulder.

I glanced at him to make sure it was him grabbing my shoulder and not someone else. I knew understood that it was him, but the environment has put me on edge. I was grateful for the distraction, but we can't remain in this plane forever.

"Let's go," Steve stated as he started down the ramp.

I followed after him and guarded his six as we continue forward, the snow crunching under my boots. I barely feel the cold. I'm too busy trying to keep myself in the present.

Steve stops in front of me, and I take a few steps around him to find that the doors to the underground facility are propped open.

"He couldn't have been here more than a few hours," Steve says.

"Long enough to wake them up," I point out.

Steve continues forward and steps through the doors. I haven't been back here in so long, and I was always here on someone else's orders. Now, I'm about to willingly walk into a death trap. I take the deepest breath of my life and follow after him. I check behind us one last time and step through the doors. Here we go.

Steve calls the elevator and we both duck inside once it's here. I breath deeply to try to calm my racing heart, but it's of no use. I don't want to be here. There was so much pain and blood. I'm the weakest of the Winter Soldiers. If they're awake, I won't be able to protect myself-let alone Steve-from them. What was I thinking?

I glance up at Steve, and he nods encouragingly. I return it and take another deep breath. It'll just be a few hours. Either we'll die here or they will. If we live, then we can get this doctor and leave, and if we die, I'll never have to worry about hurting anyone else.

The elevator shudders to a stop, and the doors slide open. Steve reaches down and pulls the gate up. I raise my gun and walk slowly forward, checking all around for anyone that could kill us-which means anyone at all here. Steve follows after me, and we move through the narrow hall quickly. I know I'm rushing. I'm panicking, so I'm going faster than I should, but the thought of slowing down was more terrifying.

I slow down slightly when we reach the stairs. I take each step cautiously. These stairs lead to everything. Down here was mostly storage, but upstairs…

A loud thud sounds behind us, and I instantly turn back around, my finger on the trigger. Steve kneels on the stairs below me with his shield up. "Ready?" he asks.

"Yeah," I mutter. I'm definitely ready. Ready to kill whoever walks through that door.

The double doors creak as a hand forces its way through the crack between them. The doors part, and Tony Stark's red and gold metal suit stands in the doorway, the circle in his chest glowing brightly. Tony walks forward, and his helmet retracts, revealing his face. I tighten my hold on the gun. He's been trying to capture me since I met him, so he must be here to do that now. He should have left his helmet on.

But he looks so much like Howard that part of me thinks I can't pull the trigger, and at the same time, I already know that I can and will.

Tony glances behind him before focusing on us. "You seem a little defensive," he announces.

Quit being so loud. They'll hear.

Steve takes a few steps forward and meets him halfway, though he keeps his shield up. "It's been a long day."

Tony looks up towards me "At ease, Soldier. I'm not currently after you."

My already tense muscles coil ten times tighter when he calls me "Soldier".

"Then why are you here?" Steve questions, earning a shrug from Tony.

"Could be your story's not so crazy." Tony came to a stop just feet from Steve. "Maybe." He took a few steps back and leaned against the wall. "Ross has no idea I'm here. I'd like to keep it that way. Otherwise, I gotta arrest myself."

Steve turns to keep his shield between him and Tony. "Well that sounds like a lot of paperwork." Tony scoffs with amusement, and after a moment, Steve lowers his shield. "It's good to see you, Tony."

What is he doing? He could be lying. You have no indication that he's telling the truth, Steve.

"You, too, Cap," Tony mutters before looking back up at me. "Hey, Manchurian Candidate, you're killing me. There's a truce here. You can drop…" He trails off with a sigh.

Steve turns to me and puts a hand up, slowly lowering it towards the ground. I lower the gun with his movement. If Steve believes him to be trustworthy, he must be, but what changed between them? I suppose he wasn't ever trying to kill either of us and only bring us in.

"Okay," Tony mutters, standing up from the wall. "Sam told me why you're here. I assume the other Soldiers are upstairs with Zemo-the doctor?"

I nod. There is more than just Soldiers upstairs, but it wouldn't mean anything to them.

"Let's go, then," Tony says, gesturing up the stairs. "What're we waiting for?"

I turn slowly back around and pick the gun back up. I glance behind me and confirm that Steve was following and that Tony was behind him. I take deep, shaky breaths as we go up the stairs. It's just a few hours. And Steve's here. If Tony wants to shove me back into that chair, Steve wouldn't let him. It'll be okay. Just a few hours.

Then again. When I was here, I kept telling myself that it was just one more day until Steve and the Howling Commandos busted in here, and they never came.

We come up the stairs and spread out. Steve takes point this time, Tony puts his helmet up again and follows behind him, and I'm too unfocused to stop him. I glance at the cracked, bullet-proof glass wall. It was a small room next to us, and the door that lead into it had steel bars, but that didn't stop those Soldiers. There was still blood stained on the floor.

I force myself forward and follow them both down the hall. Something soft scrapes the floor, and I instantly glance behind us but find no one. Must have been a rat. Just a rat.

I turn back around and continue after Steve and Tony. We turn a corner, and Tony puts his hand up as we come into a larger chamber.

"I got heat signatures," Tony whispers.

"How many?" Steve requests.

"Uh...one."

I move around to Tony's other side so we were more spread out. This is that room. The room where the chair and their machine is. This is where I forgot.

The lights of the cryo-freeze chambers turn on, revealing the other Winter Soldiers. I briefly glance at my empty chamber. It was still open and wanting, as if waiting for an opportunity to drag me back in.

"If it's any comfort," a voice says, ringing through the air, "they died in their sleep." It's the doctor who said those words. The three of us cautiously move further into the room as he continued. "Did you really think I wanted more of you?"

One of the Soldiers sat in his chamber, a crack in the glass and a hole in his head, frozen blood on his face. "What the heck?" I mutter. If this guy doesn't want the Winter Soldiers to work for him, why is he here?

"I'm grateful to them, though," Zemo added. "They brought you here."

A light clicked on, revealing the small viewport that the HYDRA operatives stood behind as they watched me scream. The doctor stood behind it.

Tony put his hand up, and Steve instantly throws his shield. The shield clangs off of the metal and flies back towards him.

You can't break through that metal. Even with vibranium. I tried. It's too thick.

"Please, Captain. The Soviets designed this chamber to withstand the launch blast of UR-100 rockets," the doctor explained as we rounded the machine they used on me.

"I'm bettin' I can beat that," Tony announced.

I strain to keep myself from looking at the chair. I would freeze if I did. I shouldn't have come here. I'm compromised. I'm struggling to keep myself in the present enough to continue walking forward. I'll be no good in a fight here.

"Oh, I'm sure you could, Mister Stark, given time," Zemo responded. "But then you'd never know why you came."

HYDRA's dead. They can't tie me into that machine again. They can't.

Steve takes large steps towards the doctor. "You killed innocent people in Vienna just to bring us here?" he demands.

"I thought about nothing else for over a year," the doctor says as Steve and Tony come within a few feet of the chamber. "I studied you. I followed you." Stalker much? "But now that you're standing here, I just realized that...there's a bit of green in the blue of your eyes." He huffs quietly. "How nice to find a flaw."

"You're Sokovian," Steve concludes. "Is that what this is about?"

"Sokovia was a failed state long before you blew it to kingdom come. No," Zemo refutes. "I'm here because I made a promise."

Steve nods slowly. "You lost someone."

The doctor was silent for a moment before clicking his tongue. "I lost everyone. And so will you."

The doctor clicks a button and the scene besides Steve flickers to life. Cyrillic words appear over a black and white image. "December sixteenth, 1991."

Not '91. Not here. Not with Tony.

"An empire toppled by its enemies can rise again," the doctor mutters. "But one which crumbles from within? That's dead. Forever."

I train the gun on the doctor, though I know that the bullets wouldn't pierce the metal or he glass if I fire.

Tony slowly approaches the video screen and looks at it nervously, his helmet removed. His eyes fill with fear. "I know that road," he mutters. He picks his head up and almost shouts, "What is this?"

He receives no answer. I stand behind Steve and Tony as the video plays. I know what happened. I remembered it. I remembered killing my friend, but I still don't want to see it. Especially with Tony here. I can't imagine what this is like for him.

My chest tightens, and I lower the gun as the image of the Stark's car crashes into the tree and a motorcycle flies by on the screen. Tony shifts his weight as he watches me come back around and dismount the motorcycle.

Please, understand, Tony. I had no choice, no say in the matter. You will be hurt, I know, and if you want to hit me, that's okay, but please understand. I didn't want to kill them.

Howard crawls out of the car on the screen, and I march up to him, grabbing him by the hair. I force him to look at me, and he mutters a barely audible, "Sergeant Barnes?"

"Howard," the recorded voice of his wife calls.

My gun lowers even more. It's suddenly far too heavy to keep up, and my left shoulder is aching more than it ever has.

Tony glances between me and the screen, fear, mistrust and a deep sadness in his eyes.

I look away from the screen as I hit Howard with my metal hand on the recording. I can almost feel the breaking of his skin and nose against my knuckles.

I didn't have a choice. I didn't have a choice. I didn't.

Tony rushes at me, and I instinctively put the gun back up, my eyes stinging. Steve grabs his arm and holds him back as my vision blurs.

Tony takes a breath and turns back to Steve, as tense as can be. "Did you know?" he whispers, his sound so low that I almost couldn't hear it.

He needs to understand. My heart and mind are constantly crushed because of all I've done. It takes all I have just to get up in the morning, and it's even harder to smile at Adi or make conversation with Adela. If it wasn't for Steve and the memories I want back, I would have ended it by now.

"I didn't know it was him," Steve answers.

"Don't bull-crap me, Rogers. Did you know?"

Steve hesitates before quietly saying, "Yes," his voice cracking.

Tony forces Steve away and stands there for a moment, as if debating something. He suddenly brings his hand up and hits Steve so hard in the face that he goes flying several feet away.

I'd accept it if you hit me, Tony, but Steve had nothing to do with it.

I'm not crying. You're crying. Dang it! Both watching and writing this scene gets me every time!

Hope to see you for the next chapter!