Hello!

Thank you for all your reviews! I finished this chapter earlier this week and it's a lot longer than I expected, so I had to split this into 2 chapters. Chapter 4 is ready to be uploaded. Still one more week before we finally get to see S09E11.

I had fun waiting for this ep. Imagination runs wild. I rewatched 910 multiple times and still felt incredibly sad every single time. I really, really love the interaction among Steve/Joe/Cole. No argument, no insulting, just friendly batter, full of respect. I love it. Wish Cole could live a bit longer though.

I also rewatched 421 and it seems to me that these two Omar Hassan are not the same. But when I planned out the plot for my story, it would make a lot more sense if they are the same person (Also, thanks Kimphin on Twitter for the realization – I wonder if it's a simple coincidence or there will be an explanation next episode).

Enough for my rant. Thanks for your time and I really hope you will take some time to leave some reviews! It would make my day!

Chapter 3:

A safe cabin in Montana

Wade was able to get all of them to a secure cabin, not too far away from Joe's ranch. It had been an emotional day for all of them, losing a dear friend, a strong mentor, a loyal brother. They sent Cole's body to his family, and had just come back from Joe's proper, yet simple funeral.

"Steve, maybe you should get some sleep", sitting down next to Steve, Catherine handed him a cup of green tea, trying to convince him, "You've been through a lot. When was the last time you had some sleep?"

Taking the cup from Catherine, Steve took a big gulf, felt disappointed when he realized it wasn't a cup of coffee, "Every time I try to close my eyes, all I can see is my SEAL team and my last moment with Joe. I just can't sleep."

He put the picture of Joe and a younger woman in his other hand down on the side table next to his bed. Catherine caught a brief glimpse of the picture, her face saddened almost immediately, realizing what it meant for this woman.

"Did you call her? How did she take the news?"

"Just got off the phone with her. Turns out she didn't really know about Joe's past. Believe it or not, she thought he's a professional swimmer or something. A "handsome, funny, romantic guy", her direct quote", Steve emphasised, finally letting out a laugh, "That guy is, was, still so smooth", Steve quickly changed the tense, still wasn't used to using past tense when talking about Joe White.

"I hope she's going to be okay."

"She will be. She was surprised at first when I called, but it seemed like she already moved on. When Joe suddenly disappeared last year without any contact, she thought he lost interest and bailed, and she realized they didn't have any mutual friends, she didn't know anything about Joe, so she tried to find him for a while but gave up eventually", Steve filled Catherine in about the reason that Joe disappeared, and rescuing Joe from the prison where Joe had been held for almost a year. "I mean, it's understandable, right? It's hard to be left behind, not knowing what's going on. She can't just... wait", Steve defended the woman he hardly knew.

Been there, done that.

"Yeah, I understand", Catherine nodded her head, subconsciously avoided eye contact with Steve. A sudden sadness and fear gripped her, sometimes she couldn't help but wonder – what if something bad happened to her while she's on a CIA mission? Who is she in his life? Would her people call Steve to break the news if she couldn't make it?

"Hey, you okay? I'm sorry", Steve's sorry came out of nowhere, but both of them knew what his sorry was about. About moving on, about dating other women. Dating Lynn.

Catherine was genuinely happy for him, but the truth was it also crushed her, knowing he could be happy without her.

Though this certainly wasn't the best time to discuss their personal stuff, they had something more important ahead of them. Catherine got back to business, "I'm fine. What's now? Where do we start?", she asked, and quickly added, "I've got your back, okay? Whatever you have in your mind, no matter how crazy it is, I'm in."

Steve was deeply touched when he saw the determination in Catherine's eyes. She took this mission personally, just like when he told her almost six years ago, that he would act on his own to bring Freddie home, without waiting for the Navy's approval. They both knew that it would be the end of her Navy career if both of them got caught in North Korea, but nothing could change Catherine's mind. Not back then. Definitely not now.

She would do anything for him, to protect him, or the people he loved. Freddie, Doris, Kono, Chin, and now Joe.

Tears blurred his vision; how could he ever doubt her?

"I made some calls. They will be arriving first thing tomorrow morning."

"Good. But right now, get some sleep", her voice sounded a bit more assertive, like an order, "Just two hours. At least try. You look tired", Catherine reached out, gently touched the wrinkles on Steve's forehead.

Steve smiled, feeling incredibly grateful that she was right next to him, when he needed her the most. He wanted to say, "Thank you", but couldn't utter a single word, as if he was afraid that a simple "Thank you" wouldn't be powerful enough to express how much her presence at this moment meant to him. No words would be enough. Actions always spoke louder than words, so Steve brought her hand to his lip, savouring the moment for a little while.

He whispered, after what it felt like an eternity, "Thank you for being here! I can't imagine how I can deal with all this without you."

"There's no other place I would rather be", she flashed him a cheerful smile, shushed him by leaning forward, pressing her lips into his for a lingering kiss.

It felt like time stopped in that kiss. She wasn't sure if the saltiness in their kiss was from her tears or his, but she enjoyed the butterflies in her stomach very much. Still after all these years.

For a moment, it took Steve back to their first kiss. In the hospital. After he came back from the classified mission with Joe and his team – where he came so close to death.

Catherine rushed through the hospital hall. When Joe White called, her whole body was almost paralysed with fear, thinking that Steve came so close to not be able to make it. There were so many things she hadn't said. Hadn't done. To him. With him.

She rushed into the room, finally able to take the breath she didn't even realize she was holding. He was leaning against the headboard, looking tired, bruises all over his face, yet the moment his soulful eyes fixed on her, he flashed her the most goofy grin, the most beautiful smile she had ever seen.

For the first time in her life, she decided to just follow her heart.

The next thing she knew, her lips were pressed on his lips. It took him by surprise, but he returned her tender kiss with passion. They deepened the kiss, no words were needed, that kiss conveyed all of the emotions they had been holding back since the moment they met.

He had wanted to kiss her for a really long time, but was afraid to ruin their friendship, which meant too much for him to lose. It was the best feeling in the world, he could still remember the taste of her lips on his mouth. The best kiss is the one that has been exchanged a thousand times between the eyes before it reaches the lips. Steve finally understood, his body trembling with happiness and joy.

Joe White was right. The feelings were mutual. Indeed.

When their lips parted, Steve finally worked up the courage to officially ask Catherine out on a date. A part of him was afraid she would say no if he ever asked, but in that moment, Steve felt like there was nothing in the world that could defeat him. Her kisses said it all. They both knew there was no going back, neither of them felt any regret.

"Don't you need to be at work right now?"

"Right now, there's no other place I'd rather be."

Feeling the slight grimace on his face, Catherine pulled back, feeling embarrassed for getting carried away with the moment. Yes, he kissed her earlier, but she shouldn't have read too much into it.

"No, it's not like that, don't stop", Steve quickly responded seeing Catherine pull back, divert her eyes to the floor, clearly feeling uncomfortable, probably misinterpreting his reaction. He slowly took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeve, showing her the bleeding wound on his arm. He almost forgot about it, the constant pain in his body had become the least of his problems.

"Oh no, you're bleeding. Why didn't you tell me earlier?", Catherine immediately went to get her medical kit and came back within seconds. He thought about pretending like it was nothing, but decided it wouldn't work on her anyway, so he let her take care of his wound.

Deep down inside, he wanted to have just a moment with her. To be vulnerable for a second. Mentally, and physically.

While Catherine took care of his wound, Steve started telling her everything that happened since yesterday morning, when he came back from his daily swim, just to be attacked by an assassin. Chin wrapped his wounds for him, and he hadn't thought about the wound or the bandage since.

"Did you call Five-0?"

"I texted Chin about Joe. Telling him to tell the team that I'm not coming back. I called the Governor as well."

"Steve, you can be honest with me. Really, why didn't you want to come back to Hawaii?"

"I can't. If Omar wants me dead, he won't give up until I'm dead. I'm not going back until I find that bastard. And I can't let Five-0 get involved, either. It's too dangerous, it's Omar Hasson we're talking about."

Silence fell over them. Catherine squeezed Steve's hand, encouraging him to continue.

"You know what, I don't expect this mission to be an easy one. It took the Naval Intelligence Department five years to get a solid lead on him, yet he still played us, by faking his death, and now he's killed a whole ex-SEAL team. I was just lucky to be alive. If I took Cole's position, I probably would be dead by now. Of all people, you know how dangerous Omar Hassan is, I can't just ask Chin and Kono to come. They belong in Hawaii. The island needs them. Danny and Gabby are happy together, and I don't want to ruin that for them."

"Are you thinking of...", Catherine instantly read Steve's mind.

"Almost nine years ago, when I first came back to Hawaii, I didn't intend to stay. I thought I'd just go back for my dad's funeral", he remembered the mixed feelings the day he went back home when his dad was killed as if it were yesterday. To other people, Hawaii could be paradise with breathtaking, stunning scenery, but to him, the island just reminded him of a family that he didn't have – a mother that he lost, a father that sent him away as if he were a parcel. It was Colorado and San Diego that gave him a sense of belonging, it was the Navy that kept him grounded. The Navy was his family. "I never thought I would have my own task force, I had no intention of leaving active duty back then, I just thought I'd go back and do what I had to do". Navy was his life, his purpose, being a Navy SEAL was his passion, but he abandoned all that to chase after the man who murdered his father, without knowing what the next chapter of his life would turn out to be.

"But I stayed, to hunt down Victor Hesse, and then found out about Wo Fat, and Shelbourne. It took me five years, Catherine, to finally kill Wo Fat, to close that chapter of my life. Who knows how long it's gonna take this time? Omar had been on the radar of everyone, CIA, FIB, the Navy, the Army, both official and classified black ops. Five-0 doesn't have the access to that kind of information, what they found was Omar being a normal businessman, with no association with any terrorists. It's very unlikely that I could chase after Omar using Five-0's resource."

"But it will hurt them if they find out you will not be returning anytime soon."

"They are really good people, I just don't think they are the right people for this mission. It's too dangerous. I won't drag Five-0 into this. I didn't drag any Navy buddies to Hawaii when I started this task force, I knew it wasn't their thing. It's no difference now", Steve elaborated, "Besides, I need someone who doesn't question my every move, who respects my strategy, who accepts my leadership, who can handle pressure well, Danny clearly doesn't fit the bill here", he tried to make a joke.

Even though there was some truth in what he said, Catherine could feel how torn Steve was about his decision.

She nodded, stating that she understood. There was a momentary silence between them, until Steve heard his voice again, cracking with emotions.

"When these assassins approached the other three members of my SEAL team, they killed their whole family, whoever was at the scene with them. These professionals work under individual contracts, so they will keep coming. Returning to work means I put my whole team in danger. The only way to stop this is to be on the run for a while, keeping a low profile, secretly chasing Omar down, while leaving no trace behind."

"You are running away, Steve", Catherine wasn't afraid of saying it out loud, "Don't let the guilt get to you."

Steve turned to look at Catherine, wasn't surprised at all that she could always read his mind.

"I tried not to, but...", Steve struggled to form sentences. He stood up and went to open the window. He needed some fresh air, the cold wind helped him clear his mind a bit. He looked into the darkness and looked up at the starry night. Montana truly has a breathtaking night sky.

All sort of flashbacks flooded Steve's mind, almost drowning him.

The guilt was eating him up.

The guilt he had been living with since the moment he heard Victor murder his dad in cold blood over the phone, while he was halfway around the world. Because he wasn't good enough. He should have known.

The guilt he had been living with since the moment he left Freddie behind, watched Cole die, and heard Joe call off the medevac.

Catherine moved closer to him, hugging him from behind, her face pressing into his shoulder. The comfort of her warm, tight, gentle embrace melted his heart, reminding him that she's here now.

"What happened is not on you."

That was something they kept telling each other over the years. It worked sometimes, but the guilt always managed to come back, torturing them, sooner or later.

"I was chosen for a classified mission. Joe was trying to get me promoted to Commander back then", Steve was still a Lieutenant Commander before he left the Navy, "he said I could pick anyone with me, and I chose the best soldier I know", Steve revisited the past. Everything happened that week was still fresh in his mind, because it totally changed the course of his life.

"Freddie", Catherine confirmed. Freddie was Steve's best friend, and he was quick to become one of her friends, too. She always felt so grateful to know Freddie was always there for Steve, when she couldn't be.

"Yeah. If I didn't pick him to go with me, Kelly would still have a husband. Emma would have the chance to see how stupid her dad is. If I had known about the pregnancy, I never would've chosen Freddie for that mission. I am the reason Emma will never know her father, Catherine", Steve whispered, he never revealed this to anyone else. The guilt was the reason he couldn't face Kelly and Emma, he only started visiting them after he brought Freddie's body back home, six years ago. He understood more than anyone else how hard it would be to grow up without a parent. He wouldn't make the same mistake with Danny. Grace and her little brother needed their father.

"And it was my plan to leak the information to Greer that Joe was still alive. It was reckless and risky. But Joe insisted on coming and so did Cole. They were the ones who died. I'm the one who came up with the plan – me. And I'm the only one that is still alive and kicking. Tell me, Catherine, why am I the only one who survived, while everyone else sacrificed their life?", Steve turned around, his hands squeezed Catherine's arms. She was pretty sure his squeeze would leave some serious marks. She wasn't afraid he would hurt her. He wouldn't, especially physically.

She was afraid for him.

The survivor's guilt was attacking Steve, full force.

It was the first time in years Steve actually shared his most vulnerable thoughts. He occasionally went to PTSD sessions with Lou in the past, but he stopped confiding in Lou after Lou tried to trash talk Catherine, and pushed him to go out with Lynn, even called Lynn "weekend booty". Steve realized that he didn't want to let himself sink to that level. So for the past few years, he and Lou only saw each other for work, if the case required SWAT team's support. He let Chin deal with Lou most of the time.

Telling Catherine didn't exactly make the guilt go away, but at least she understood and being able to talk to her took some of the weight off his chest.

"Because you're worth the sacrifice", Catherine patted his back, her touch felt incredibly soothing. Her head gently pressed against his heart.

"Am I? The way I see it, my life is doomed. Everyone important in my life eventually leaves me. It's like I'm not worthy of being loved."

"Steve, stop saying that."

It killed her inside to witness the excruciating pain written on his face. Catherine leaned in to steal another kiss, her only desire at that moment was to comfort him, to prove that he was wrong. The past two days really took a toll on Steve's face. His beard had grown incredibly fast in such a short amount of time.

"So... Is that why you don't want Danny and Five-0 on board this time? Because of Gabby and Grace, and Danny's little guy?", Catherine carefully approached the question.

She could feel Steve gently nod on top of her head, could hear his soft sniff.

"You were trying to protect them", Catherine simply concluded, as if she truly understood the feeling. There was a touch of sadness in her voice that made Steve's heart clench.

Realisation dawned on him.

Hit him hard.

Things were never been more obvious than that moment.

"Was it what you were trying to do the whole time, Cath? The guilt, you running away, trying to protect... me?"

How do you imagine the next episode? Share your thoughts with me!

Next chapter will be uploaded later!