A/N: So all you reviewer types really liked the chapter I thought you'd hate. Well, colour me confused! lol Thank you though, all of you, for the lovely comments, I really do appreciate them. Now, if this chapter had a tagline it'd be: sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better.

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 13

It wasn't like it had been before, and Parker hated that. On the upside, she and Eliot were both still here, in his truck and headed in the same direction they had been two days ago. On the downside, the mood had shifted, and Parker highly doubted it was going to get back to the way it was any time soon.

The relief she felt when Eliot was still in his room when she went to find him for breakfast this morning was immense. That feeling faded some when she realised that whilst he was still prepared to stick with her on their road trip, he wasn't anything like the same person he had been before. All through their meal, he had barely spoken, hardly even looked at Parker. She tried a couple of times to make conversation but he wouldn't bite, and in the end she gave up, hoping he would just get over it.

They packed up their things and got back on the road, with no mention of the night before's events. Parker caught Eliot looking at her though, sideways and surreptitiously. She wasn't supposed to notice, she guessed, but Parker was smarter than that. She knew why he was looking too, at least she thought she did. He wasn't seeing her face or anything when he glanced over, only the marks still visible on her neck where he had grabbed her mid-nightmare and pinned her down.

Wearing her hair down only covered them so much, but Parker had made the effort. She really didn't want their friendship to fall apart over something so dumb. Sure, what happened was bad, she understood that, she wasn't stupid. At the same time, it wasn't as if Eliot meant to her hurt her. He would never, ever do that. Parker believed that whole-heartedly even before he told her as much. Unfortunately, he just wouldn't or couldn't accept that apparently.

Sat beside her, Eliot tried to keep his eyes on the road, but it wasn't easy. With his shades on, he figured Parker probably hadn't noticed he kept casting glances her way. It was stupid, it wasn't as if those marks, the tell tale signs of what he had done to her, were going to just magically disappear. They were there, red and angry, reminding him of the monster he still had the capability to be, no matter how much he wished he could fight it.

Parker was too nice about it all, it honestly only made Eliot feel worse. If she got mad at him, showed some fear, he might actually take it better. Not that he wanted Parker to hate him or be afraid of him, because he kind of loved that she trusted him the way she did, but he knew he wasn't worthy of that. He couldn't deserve her good opinion, especially after last night, and yet she was still here, willing to threaten him with anything she thought might make him let her along on the rest of this insane road trip.

Things were not right with them, and Eliot wondered if they ever could be now. The fact he had shown his true nature and Parker was still here, that had to mean something, but he couldn't accept it, just couldn't let it be like she could. Hurting her hurt him inside, more painful than any bullet or knife wound or torture he ever withstood. Seeing her in pain was bad enough, but knowing he caused it was killing him by degrees. He wasn't sure how much of this he could take, but what choice did he really have? She wouldn't leave on her own and he didn't have it in him to abandon her, not now, not ever.

The worst of it was that Parker knew it too. From that moment in the coffee shop in Katonah, when she sat down at the table and looked him in the eye, Eliot knew they were both on the same page. They were on this trip for the long haul together. She wasn't leaving, not then, not now. It astounded him, thrilled him and scared him all at the same time, though Eliot would admit to nothing.

Parker's hand at the radio made him want to flinch. but Eliot fought the reaction. She turned up the volume on a Garth Brooks number they had happily sung along to together not two days ago now. Today was different, today he was so far from a happy singing mood, and couldn't believe she much wanted to join in either. Her throat had to hurt, after what he did to her. He'd had similar wounds, worse than hers since the marks at his own neck would've been intended and much more viciously made. Still, the injury was in the same place and it would hurt, no matter what Parker tried to convince him or herself.

"One of my favourites," she smiled just a little as she gestured towards the radio.

"Yeah," Eliot replied only so she wouldn't keep repeating herself or get more persistent.

Of course he ought to have known better. Parker wouldn't just let it go. It wasn't her way or her nature. She wanted to have some kind of conversation, she wanted all the bad things between them to evaporate and for everything to go back to normal. Eliot knew because he wanted the same thing if he were honest. The difference was, he lived in reality and knew there was no way for it to happen. Parker lived in hope, even after all she had been through in her life, the pain and anguish that he added to every day, every moment...

"He's right, you know," she said then, catching Eliot unawares.

"Who is?" he checked, wondering at his own curiousity but there it was anyway.

"'Life is like a windshield'," she quoted as she gestured at the radio once again. "'It ain't no rear view mirror'. You have to look forward, not back," she explained how she took the lyrics, whether her interpretion was right or not. "Nobody is a hundred percent happy with their past, Eliot, but you can't live the rest of your life feeling bad about it or..."

She stopped talking fast when the truck swung abruptly. It spun in practically a U-turn, landing up the wrong way round on the side of the highway. Parker thanked her lucky stars that her reflexes were good and her seat-belt was tightly buckled. A lesser person would've feared flying through the windshield, but not her, not a woman that dived off fifty storey buildings for fun.

"What the hell, Eliot?" she asked him anyway, not exactly loving the move he just pulled out of nowhere.

He didn't answer. He was already half way out the truck before she even finished the question, stalking off around back, his boots kicking up dust as he did so. Parker didn't understand what had just happened. One minute she was talking about a song, hoping her words were the right ones to be helpful. Next thing she knew the truck was pulled over in an alarming fashion, the engine dead, and her friend and driver storming away from her, mad as hell.

"Eliot!" she called behind him as she scrambled out of her seat, immediately wishing she hadn't tried to yell when her throat strained tight with the effort.

"Get back in the truck, Parker!" he called over his shoulder, but he ought to have known she would never comply with that demand or any other.

To be fair to her, she didn't move or try to talk again. It made Eliot feel sick to think she had hurt her throat bad enough yelling that she couldn't make a sound. He'd done that. He had given her the injuries on her neck, he had almost crashed the truck with her in it, he was probably scaring the life out of her now. In that moment, Eliot truly felt like the monster he used to be and feared becoming again at a moments notice.

"This wasn't how it was supposed to be!" he yelled, arms over his head, then just waving in some random gesture of frustration. "This was my trip," he reminded Parker, jabbing his index finger into his own chest. "For me, to help me to... to let me deal with all the stuff from before," he told her frustratedly.

"I know," Parker nodded, taking a couple of tentative steps towards him and away from the truck, "and I wanna help you..."

"Why?" Eliot's booming voice interrupting would have startled anybody else, anybody that wasn't Parker. "You think I'm some Goddamn saint or hero or somethin'?! Even after what I told you?!" he shouted still, slamming one hand into the other too hard. "About me and Moreau?! What's the matter with you?"

Parker wasn't sure if he was really mad at her or at himself or even just angry with Moreau right now. All she knew was that he was getting crazy about it and that was no good. She had seen Eliot mad before, so mad she thought he might explode. This was different, though she could never explain how or why. All Parker really knew was that she didn't want him to be this way. Eliot was her friend, more than that actually, though she would have trouble explaining if asked. She wanted him to calm down and be how he was before, but God only knew how she was meant to make it happen.

"We all did bad things, Eliot," she said carefully, so afraid it was the wrong thing.

Parker didn't know whether to be glad or more worried when the fight seemed to go out of the hitter then. His shoulders slumped, his head went down, his hair falling to hide his face a moment. Parker was about to reach out to him when suddenly his head came up, one hand pushing his hair back off his face as he looked her right in the eyes.

"No, darlin'," he told her, just as gentle as he'd ever been with her. "No, you don't know what bad things really are. Believe me, I'm glad you don't, but stealing a few paintings, lifting a few wallets... that don't even put you close to what I did," he said seriously.

"I know you hurt people," Parker swallowed hard, closing a little more space between them, "but only because you had to.."

"No!" he exploded once more, but Parker wouldn't back up, not this time, no matter what he said. "Not because I had to. Sometimes, yeah. It was kill or be killed and I picked the option that let me walk away," he explained too loudly, too close to her face. "I ain't proud of it, but I can live with it, because I have to, but for Moreau..."

Parker watched his expression start to crumble and heard his voice break then. Eliot never cried, never. The only time he came close was in that park, just a couple of weeks ago...

"I told you that the worse things I did my whole life I did for him," he said in a low voice that vibrated through Parker's whole body as their gazes remained locked. "You looked at me and you asked me what that was, you remember?"

Slowly she nodded, then swallowed painfully hard so she could speak.

"You don't have to tell me."

"Yeah, I do," he sighed too heavily. "Because nothing else is gonna make you understand, and..." he cleared his throat, "and if I don't let this outta me, I can't... Parker, I killed him," he admitted at length, tears glistening in his eyes that made Parker want to die.

"Who?" she forced out around the lump in her throat that hurt that much more than any bruise he had given her last night.

"His name was Tom," Eliot croaked out, eyes drifting away to a spot in the middle distance. "I could tell you his date of birth, his driving licence number. I had to know everything, I had to," he shook his head sadly at the memories. "Moreau wanted him gone, and I was his right hand. I wanted out and he said 'just one last job, man, just one, then you can walk away clean'."

Parker couldn't bear the pain in his face and voice as he went on, but there was no choice but to let him finish the explanation she had wanted all along. At this point, he needed to tell her, whether she wanted to hear or not.

"So I learnt everything he gave me about this guy and I went and... and I did it," he choked out as one tear escaped down his cheek and his gaze returned to meet Parker's own. "He had a little girl, Parker. She was five years old and I took her daddy away and... and I don't even know if he did anything wrong."

Parker couldn't stand it. She wasn't even in control of her own body as a sob flew out of her mouth unbidden and tears came pouring from her eyes. She never thought about it, never. Of course she knew Eliot had hurt people, even killed people, but she never thought about them being innocent, about them having families or friends. What hit her harder than that particular realisation was how broken Eliot himself looked in that moment. This was the first and only time she'd seen him genuinely in tears, and the only thing she could think to do was reach for him.

His arms slid around her frame like the most natural thing in the world as she put her own up around his neck and pulled him in close. With his face buried in her shoulder, Parker could feel Eliot's tears soaking through her T-shirt but barely noticed at all as she cried just as hard on him. At some point they gave up on standing, knees buckling with the overwhelming emotion. Knelt together in the dust, it really didn't matter. They just held onto each other until the moment passed.

"I'm sorry," he said against her shoulder a while later.

"Me too," she told him as they pulled away enough to meet each others eyes again. "I shouldn't've come along, I just..."

She didn't have a reason or an explanation. From the start Parker knew she couldn't ever tell Eliot exactly why she was here without admitting something that scared her half to death. She had kissed him last night, offered him sex even, and he turned her down. What came after didn't matter, what he told her just now couldn't change anything. What she felt for this man was beyond anything she ever knew before. As he was now, broken and tear-stained, he was still Eliot, and she still wanted to stick with him, come what may. These were things she could never verbalise and simply didn't try as she leaned in ever closer and put her lips to his own.

This was so different. There was no alcohol involved, no fumbling around in a hotel room like a cliché. Neither of them were thinking about sex or a relationship, or where the hell things went from here. It was just a kiss, just a moment in time. She wanted him to feel better, and he didn't seem to mind, at least at first.

Eliot pulled away after a few seconds and just stared at Parker for a long moment, like he was trying to figure out what the hell just happened. In all honesty, she looked a little confused herself and immediately apologised for whatever it was. He didn't answer her, just let his hand wander through her hair some more, and then so very gently pulled her close until they were kissing again.

Parker didn't know it could feel like this. She'd kissed enough guys in her time, maybe not as many as some girls, but enough to know what it felt like. This was something else, something... she didn't have words for it, and apparently she didn't need to. Less than a minute and they were parting, and Eliot said the only words that needed to be spoken.

"We got miles to go. I wanna make our next stop before dark," he told her hoarsely.

"Uh-huh" Parker nodded dumbly, leaning her face into his hand a moment. "I can drive for a while if...?" she suggested warily, even after everything.

"Yeah," he agreed softly, the vaguest hint of a smile playing at his lips. "Yeah, you can."

To Be Continued...