Sookie

Chapter Twenty-Nine

"That's what the guards are for," I asked Eric. "They keep the world away."

He nodded. "Batanya is my last safeguard," he said. I tried hard not to make a face but I lost. "The tattoo on her neck tells her when I'm losing control. She's the only one that get close enough fast enough to—"

"Kill you," I finished for him.

"I would rather die than be what he made me to be," he concluded with a shrug.

Even feigning emotion required an openness I told myself I needed to get the job done. It was the only way to make him believe I cared. I told myself that I knew the boundaries, but after his tale they started to blur. I sat staring at Eric unable to fathom any of what he had survived. Feeling pity for the horror of his past clouded my motives.

There was always a reason for every touch, every kiss, and for every intimate act. It was because he was expecting me to, not because I wanted to. It was how I got to see more of him. I got an uncensored view of the Viking who preferred jeans and t-shirts to the suit he was always forced to wear, the mogul that was a Buffy the Vampire Slayer lover and had a man crush on Dracula.

Soon I was able to differentiate between the smile he showed the rest of the world and the one that only I seemed to bring about. The calculation behind each and every action began to fade. I didn't have to think about it. I simply thought it was because I was getting good at the lie I lived but I cried for him just now and it had been real. It had been authentic.

I wasn't a monster I supposed. Those tears had been real because no one person should ever have to suffer so. When you looked at someone as physically imposing as my husband, when you saw his wealth and his power, you could never see him as the victim he had been. He had been a one though, he had been a victim of the worse sort and had been forced to victimize and terrorize, starting with those he loved. He had lived and survived when eleven others hadn't, not even Illeta. She had gotten free but the scars ran too deep for time to heal. I never wanted to know what it felt like to be in so much pain that death was your only release.

Slowly Eric wiggled his toes, testing their strength. Then he rolled to the side of the bed and put weight on his leg. I moved automatically to help, then half way up I stalled. He was clearly healed so I dropped my hands, but the good wife I was pretending to be should get up. I was acting skittish as the confusion in my head continued to cloud my mind.

"Come," he said throwing his arm around me. "It's late, you should sleep."

"Does your side hurt?" I asked.

He shook his head knowing full well what was coming. I elbowed him and he made no move to dodge. He just laughed. I rolled my eyes, he could at least pretend I hurt him. I probably gave myself a bruise for no good reason. Instead of heading upstairs towards to our—damn, it was his room. It was his room. Maybe I should go to bed. I needed to get it together.

Eric detoured to the second floor and led the way to his office. The setup of all his computer monitors was something out of the Starship Enterprise. There were four screens mounted on the wall, above that there was an electronic strip that was always flashing market numbers. Seriously, Captain Kirk might be jealous.

"Since you obviously don't want to sleep we should do this tonight," he said opening the door. "Step into my office."

That was his, 'I'm going to do something extremely over the top and highhanded' voice. Like when he had paid all the stores in Manhattan mall to stay open after hours so I could buy a sweater. In those instances it didn't make sense putting him in the doghouse. He had already moved himself in and was plotting his way out.

"I'm not going to like this," I muttered stepping into the room.

He didn't answer, which was answer enough. "A lot of what I do for work seems intricate but it isn't," he said, typing away. Even in his sweats and tank top the businessman was clearly visible. "All you will ever need to know is B.P.R.T."

Not as bad as I feared, not great but so far so good. "I don't know what that means but I'm sure you're going to tell me no matter how badly I don't want to know." If I didn't sound enthusiastic it was because I wasn't.

He smiled and held his arm open for me and I went to take a seat in his lap. "This is important," he said wrapping his arms around my waist. He rested his chin on my shoulder. "Banking," he pointed to the first screen then he followed all the others in a counterclockwise motion. "Pharmaceuticals, real estate and transportation." Each screen came to life and they were all running several different sequences that was directed at their market. It was just a guess because I couldn't follow any of it.

"I have rewritten my estate."

I stiffened in his arms but if he noticed he didn't show it.

"In the event of my final death Pam will receive half my net worth as well as all the bank and transportation holdings. You will receive the other half in addition to the real estate and pharmaceuticals shares. Since the red tape around properly allocating a fortune that big could take years, there is a policy that is effective immediately after I go missing. This will maintain your standard of living while you wait for everything else."

I stood up and faced him with my hands on my hips. There were so many things running through my head. None of them were good. I. Was. Pissed. I wanted to curse him up one side of the street and down the other. I don't know how many times I had to tell him that I didn't care about money.

After a few seconds of me just fuming and grinding my teeth and him calmly watching, he spoke, "You are angry with me."

"Yes," I ground out. "Very."

"I wish you wouldn't be," and he leveled me with a look that was pleading, angelic and unapologetic. So not fair that he could make that blend look so good. "I'm not sorry."

Then I had to laugh. "I know." I sat down on the desk facing him. "I'm not happy that you did this. I'm going to yell at you. Just not right at this moment," I said, kissing the corner of his lips. "You've had a hard night and I don't want to fight," I admitted.

Of all the reasons he had to be suspicious of me, giving him an easy pass made his eyes go wide. He still wanted to drink from me and I still wanted him to, very much so. I was at the door of the study and he was still seated in his chair with a dumbfounded look on his face.

"Oh stop it!" I huffed. "It's not that unbelievable."

He rolled his eyes and came over to me. We talked as we headed down the hall. It was like none of the ugliness of the night had happened. Our conversation wasn't about the attack or the attackers or what would be done. It wasn't about his dark past that he had shared with me. We talked about the show we had seen and what we could catch on television this time of night besides infomercials.

Instead of taking the corridor that would lead upstairs, Eric pulled me left. I'd wandered through this house enough while in search of his day chamber to know there was nothing in that direction but the music room and library.

"Stay the day with me," he said, pushing on the wall.

The wooden panel sprang open to reveal a staircase. No guards, it was just us. This is the chance I'd been waiting almost a year for. I nodded and he squeezed my hand as we descended into the secret pathway. I wasn't sure what I was expecting his day chamber to look like. It certainly was light tight but there was no coffin. There was nothing ostentatious or ornate about the room. It looked comfortable. The walls were bright blue and the bed wasn't king sized. It was probably the most normal looking bedroom in the whole house.

I watched the room and Eric watched me. "I want you," he said pulling off his shirt.

"Are you sure you can?" I looked at him. Where there had been gaping and bleeding wounds an hour ago there was now just smooth pale skin. "Maybe you should drink first," I offered.

An austere smile curved his lips but I didn't think it reached his eyes. He flitted in front of me and held my face in his hands. "I told you, I don't need to. I want to." Then he kissed me.

There was an air of desperation to the way he touched me. Not that he was frenzied but as if the world was ending and getting inside me was something he absolutely had to do. When he finally did, God! It was always toe curling and mind blowing. This time was different…it felt different. The flames of passion were there but they weren't consuming. I didn't feel out of my mind with desire, my body wasn't burning and raging. There was no fever in my blood. I wasn't chasing a release or getting them in dangerously large proportions.

He just felt good, he was making me feel good all over. Our lips were connected, our fingers interlocked. Our bodies were in perfect sync. There was no hurry to the way we moved. I arched my back and wiggled my hips to get him to lose control so I could shake this feeling. He obliged as he always did, but it didn't go away. He surged forward, burying himself deep inside me, he was hitting that spot that only he had discovered and claimed.

Eric whispered sweet words into my ear as he continued pushing inside me as deep as my body would allow. The feel of his chest rubbing against mine was titillating, the weight of his body and the sounds of flesh slapping flesh was all part of the emotion. They were the sensual beats and notes in the ballad to our passions.

I was feeling something beyond the physical I realized, dismayed. I was feeling…something for him. I couldn't bear it anymore. It had to stop. I bared my neck for him to bite and when he sank his fangs in, we came in one insane harmonized blinding moment that transcended anything I'd ever experienced.

Afterward we lay in tangled mass of limbs. He pulled me into his favorite post coital position, with me partially laying on top of him, my head on his chest, my thigh thrown over his, and his fingers in my hair.

"We have a wedding anniversary coming soon," he murmured as if to himself.

I suppose we did. It was two months from now, in August but I don't think he would be here to see it.

~ooooo~

I faded to sleep last night and I never saw the sun pull Eric under. When I woke I knew he was out. This was the first time and I realized just how heavy he was. It felt like I was drowning in Viking. He was literally dead weight, with his thighs and arm around me and his head above mine. I heaved and pushed and got free. I was awake and my vampire nemesis was dead for the day. I found the first weapon I could but once I did that I couldn't move.

'Do it,' I told myself. 'You gave this man your body so you could get here. You had sex with him even though you hated him. You have to.' I had to.

I looked down at Eric and I tried to drag up those old feelings. For close a year I'd lived my life in a way that ensured that I would never forget all the pain he caused me and the hate I felt. Those feelings were there. I hadn't forgotten but I couldn't make them mean as much now as they had before.

My husband was still lying on his stomach, with his hand thrown over my side of the bed. I felt like he thought he was still holding me close. I wasn't in bed. I was above him, seconds from ending him. It was perfect. His back was to me. I wouldn't have to look at his face and he wouldn't suffer. I didn't want him to suffer and I absolutely couldn't look at his face. It would obscure my goal. I couldn't risk showing the weakness from last night. I took a step forward and my hands shook. I took another and I broke into a sweat. It wasn't fear, it was dread.

The lie I'd forced myself to live had become my reality. I knew what I had to do and remembered why I had to do it. What Eric had done was wrong but this…what I was contemplating seemed so much worse. No. I wouldn't be stealing his future, he'd stolen mine. He wasn't afraid of dying. He wasn't a person. He was cold and heartless. 'But he wasn't always.' A voice in my head said.

Once he had been a victimized in the worst sort of way. He would rather meet his end than hurt people. But he had hurt me knowing what it was like to watch the person you love suffer. He had the power to free me from this marriage before it began but he hadn't. He could have let me have Quinn but he didn't. Instead he tortured us both. He was a monster.

'So do it,' I told myself. 'Do it, prove you're right, and end him. You might never get this chance again. End him."

Eric had taken from me, not just my first love but all the familiar things I'd ever known. All this he did without a single thought or consideration because he wanted to win a popularity contest. But he had given as well as taken. It didn't make him right, or even the scales but…I closed my eyes as my confusion raged.

I walked the rest of the way to the bed and loomed over him. His hair was a blonde curtain that hid his face. I wanted to brush it aside and stroke his face. I wanted to crawl back in bed so his fingers would stop searching for me. On the left of me I caught a flicker of movement. Darkness converged. It shifted and morphed and then I saw them take form.

Cypher and Lynx were here. And instead of fear I felt relieved. The horrible physical reactions dissipated. They might protect me against everyone else but they worked for Eric. And he would never give me guards that could be used against him. Cypher and Lynx would stop me, at least that was why I thought they'd come. I wasn't so sure anymore, these two looked like they were ready to aid and abet in his assassination.

I mean I was hanging over him with a number two pencil in hand. It was pretty damning. They should be alerting Batanya or at the very least confiscating the murder weapon. Yet they didn't even spare Eric a look. It was as if they didn't see him. They looked like they were bracing for something but I was the only threat in the room. And they were ignoring that fact.

"Aren't you going to do something?" I asked after a moment of awkwardness.

They both looked at me and their faces creased into identical masks of confusion. They weren't the only ones. I didn't get it.

Cypher spoke, "Ashai command shadow, shadow not command Ashai."

"What called you?" I asked because clearly it wasn't me threatening Eric.

"Britlingen Batanya tie her life to vampire Eric." Lynx said pointing to the door. He was the spiritual bodyguard. He saw threats that Cypher didn't.

"How did she tie her shadow to his?" I spat.

"It her mark," he said.

His shadow moved to tap the side of his neck but the physical limb remained by his side. It used to be super eerie but like all the weird things in my life I was very well used to it.

"She keep vampire Eric safe and if he not, she curse her body to die and her soul to take who send him beyond shadow. I not let her," he concluded pointing to the pencil in my hand.

I now understood the necessity of the female daemon, why she had pulled him away from our arguments, why her neck always stung. I don't think even Eric knew this. I was jealous and angry. Who did she think she was tying her life to my husband's? Jealous as I was, I was doubly confused because I was glad that he had someone like that watching his back.

If I ended him she would die but her soul would come for me. Lynx could protect me. I could get away with it. I would survive this and like Eric had told me so long ago I would be a rich woman. I didn't care about the wealth but I would spend the rest of my life as a target. With money I could buy protection.

Eric had taken out the policy. I would be set the rest of my days. So why couldn't I move? It was because I couldn't. I couldn't hurt him. He was right when he had consoled me over my brother's neglect. Being angry with someone didn't mean you didn't or couldn't love them. It just meant that you were too hurt by what they had done to see it.

I wondered if Eric loved me when he hand found out my affair with Quinn. For the first time since it all happened I was forced to look at it from a different point of view. I wondered what had fueled the action. I wondered if Eric had lashed out in pain instead of cruelty. Was it simply the fact that I'd violated the wedding documents? Or could he have cared about me even then?

If Eric he had cared, even a little, it would have hurt. Finding out that his wife was with another man had to sting, no matter how cold I thought him to be. He was male and was proud. If I'd hurt him then I would have to take responsibility for cheating, admittedly it wasn't something I'd ever done. My conscience had been assuaged with the assumption that he wouldn't care.

I let my mind go back to that night. It wasn't something I allowed myself think about often, because I knew I would fall apart. The pain would come back and I wouldn't have been able to stay the course. And yet I did go back and the pain wasn't crippling. I allowed myself to think of Quinn. I would never forget him no matter how deeply I'd buried the daily ache of missing him.

At first I'd spent many nights forcing myself not to cry over him. I'd pined so grievously, wondering if Quinn was hurting as badly for me as I was for him. I'd been afraid that if ever I got free of Eric, he wouldn't want me. I'd been afraid that he was angry with me or that he hated me and that he had moved on. That thought had hurt the most then, but now it was different.

I still loved him and more than anything, I was sorry I hadn't left him alone. I was sorry he had gotten hurt because of me. You never forget your first and now when I thought of him it was just me wishing he was happy.

I wanted to hate Eric and it would have been easy if I didn't know now what I didn't then. It would have been easy if I didn't know that the thought of another man touching me made him insane. It would have been easy to be angry if I didn't know that cheating had been wrong. It would have been easy to be angry if I didn't believe that he loved me.

"He loves me," I said, awed by the truth of it.

I'd heard him say it so many times but I'd been so caught up in my lies that I never really believed it. I always told myself that it wasn't real, that nothing I felt while with him was genuine. It had all just been a means to an end. To actually absorb that fact was daunting. This millennium old mega powerful vampire loved me. I'd miscalculated entirely. I'd overestimated my ability to hate and underestimated his ability to love.

"If I asked you to send him beyond shadow," I said looking at Cypher. "Could you?"

He nodded and somehow implied the, Duh. "I am your shadow."

All I could do was smile like a loon. It was all the confirmation I needed. Vampires, for all the calm cool air they put on, were intense in emotion. Eric didn't give them to me as spies. He gave me Shadow Wraiths way back when because he cared. He gave them to me knowing I could use them to hurt him. If there was anything I knew; he wanted to keep me safe and happy, precisely in that order.

Eric was overbearing and overprotective and extremely highhanded at times but he did those things out of love not a desire to control. He did them because not having me with him was worse than having me pissed at him for buying out the mall.

"I don't want him beyond shadow," I said handing Cypher the pencil. "I want you to stop anyone that tries."

They nodded and left. I crawled back into bed with my husband.