Seasons of Wither, Chapter 6
After weeks of endless hunting just to get by, I find myself missing the Hob. After frequenting there since I was just a little girl sitting on Sae's counter as my father bargained for a decent trade, it's strange that I have not stepped foot in the place in over three weeks. But this evening I have something to barter with—a stack of rabbit pelts. One pelt isn't worth much, but six can get you something. They've taken almost a week and a half to dry, and I know that even in the spring rabbit pelts are a desirable trade if the price is set right.
My entrance into the old abandoned warehouse-turned-black market is met with smiles and greetings from the regulars. Darius is leaning on Greasy Sae's counter, chatting up one of the local girls as he usually does. Sae is stirring a giant steaming pot of something, offering me a semi-toothless grin as she ladles some of her stew into a bowl and sets it on top of the counter in front of me, some of it sloshing over the rim in the process.
"Thank you, but I'm here for a trade only," I tell her, but she shrugs off the idea of my paying for it. Probably something that's about to go bad, I note as I sip my soup from the spoon. It tastes a tad bit too gamey, but it's warm and filling and once I stop my mind from wondering about where she'd gotten the meat from, it goes down easily.
"Where've you been, girl?" she asks me as she uses a dirty clothe to wipe off her even dirtier counter top. "I'm about to go out of business without your trades."
I let out a light sigh at her comment. "That's because there's nothing to trade," I offer without going into the entire story of the sick animals surrounding District 12. I'm not even certain if it's a good idea that word gets out about what Gale and I have seen over the past month when we're not sure the extent of the problem quite yet or how to handle it.
"Well that explains a lot," Darius goes on as he turns his attention away from his lady friend.
"What exactly might that be?" I ask him.
"Why Gale was in here a few weeks ago with a box of his father's old things, trying to trade them for some dirty, worn knife. Asked him why he didn't have any game, but he didn't answer. He really wanted to get his hands on that old thing, though."
I sit up straighter, my brows knitting together. "What did he trade?"
Darius shrugs. "I don't know. Some old literature, it looked like."
Gale's father once owned an entire collection of old books he loved reading to Gale and his brothers when they were young. They were Gale's prized possessions, but he ended up having to sell a few when times got a little too rough. They were never worth much, except for the sentimental value, but it almost killed him to let them go when he had to. The rest were put up on a shelf somewhere in their house, and Gale had sworn he'd never have to sell one again. Of course, that was back when things were still good.
"He didn't," I say uneasily, Darius not quite understanding how much the books had meant to Gale.
"Traded five or six of 'em for that poor excuse for a knife," Darius goes on.
My hand automatically goes to the treasured hunting knife tucked into a sheath on my belt. My mind is spinning right now, and I can't even fathom why Gale would do such a thing. It wasn't as if I were expecting a gift from him. No doubt that I needed a new knife, but it wasn't his responsibility to buy me one. In an instant, I realize how much thought had gone into this gift.
"Didn't seem too unhappy with the trade. He left here grinning like a fool."
Instantly my mind goes back to the events of that night a few weeks ago. How Gale had stopped off at the Hob on his way back from the mines. How he'd walked all the way back to the school to see me home and give me the gift. How he'd asked me if that day in the meadow had made me feel anything... Was he thinking about me more than a friend? My first instinct tells me no, that he would never think of me in that way. But Gale was being awful considerate of me lately, what with nursing my sickness and offering me a shoulder to cry on. Not that he had much of a choice in the latter.
I snap out of my thoughts as Darius tilts his head and grins at me oddly, and I realize a smile has spread over my face. "Quite chipper today, are we? Don't get your hopes up, Katniss. I won't trade pelts for a kiss. Have no use for 'em."
"Shut up, Darius," I chortle back at his usual joke of a come on, causing him to turn his attention back to the young lady at his side.
After trading my stack of rabbit pelts for three coins and bidding farewell to Greasy Sae, I head out. The money jingles loudly in my otherwise empty pockets, reminding me that Gale had snared most of the rabbits and should get his cut. It's late, but I know that he is probably still awake and may need the money sooner than later.
The sun has already set as I make my way out of the side door of the Hob and around the back of the building. The hushed sound of people whispering catches my attention and I stop at the corner of the old warehouse as my eyes attempt to adjust to the lack of light. A husky voice breaks the silence followed by a feminine giggle, and I realize that I recognize the male's voice. My eyes zone in on a couple standing in the shadows so closely together that it's almost impossible to realize they are not one. A tall, dark-haired man wraps a petite blonde in his arms as they kiss casually. I soon realize that the girl is Athena Russel, a busty merchant's daughter who is only a year older than myself. But I can feel my chest tighten when I realize the arms of the boy she is currently wrapped in belong to Gale.
My face falls as I watch him cup her cheek in his hand while whispering something into her ear, his lips brushing lightly against her neck as he does so. I can feel my entire body shaking as their lips close in on one another's once again, and I quietly begin to step backwards as the loose rock and coal debris crunches under the soles of my boots. Not wanting to be caught spying on them, or stand there watching the young lovers for even a split-second more, I bolt.
My feet carry me away from the Seam quickly. My chest is heaving as I run through the darkness and towards the edge of town. I don't even realize where I'm going until I am already in the meadow, running towards the electric fence that borders the district. I search hysterically for the opening in the barrier, and without waiting to listen for the hum of electricity, I dive through it. Luckily, it isn't on.
I collapse in a heap right there in the dirt as I burst into tears. I'm crying hysterically as my knuckles pound with rage against the hardened ground, bloodying them in the process. But I don't feel the pain of my flesh being torn. I don't feel the burn of bile rising in my throat, either, as I begin to heave right there on the ground in front of me. I'm choking, coughing a I wretch onto the forest floor on which I kneel.
I'm stupid. How could I be so stupid? Gale has so many girls that want him. Just because I slept with him one time won't change that. If there's anything between us, it's the fact that we are helping to keep each other's families alive. It's a friendship of convenience and nothing more.
I curl into a ball right there and never plan on moving again, even though Gale and I know better than to go beyond the fence after dark. And right now I am paying no attention to my own safety, as my defenses are down, I'm crying more loudly than I ever have, and I wreak of blood and vomit. It's a wonder nothing's come along to kill me yet, though I'm so dispirited I would almost welcome the certain death from a ferocious predator.
I stay there for a good while, crouched on the ground and hugging my knees against my torso as I bawl. It seems like hours have passed before I move from my position on the ground. Eventually, I've shed all the tears I'm capable of, and I'm just too exhausted to cry anymore. The only thought that keeps me going through this all is the probability of my impending miscarriage and the fact that I may never have to deal with the huge secret that I'm carrying, the secret that could destroy both Gale and my families.
And as much as I know that I want to, I can't hate Gale for what he did. I can't hate him for believing me when I told him that I felt nothing for him and then moving on. I can't expect him to put his life on hold because maybe someday I might be able to feel something close to resembling love for him. But more than anything, I can't expect that he would ever be able to love a person like me in the first place.
The district is dark and quiet when I finally walk myself home, arms curled around my body as I shiver in the cool night air. Mother and Prim are already asleep when I arrive home, and I change into my nightgown before crawling in bed with my sister. That night, dreams of Gale turning away both myself and his unborn child to run away with Athena into the wilderness plague me. It's an insane dream to have, I realize, since Athena would not make it 20 feet beyond the electric fence before twisting her ankle and being mauled by some wild, ravenous animal. That and the fact that Gale will never even know that he was once almost a father.
The next morning, my chest still feels tight, but I can't let Gale know that anything's happened. That, even though he's not aware of it, everything between us has changed. The best I can do is go on with my life and hope that this all goes away on its own. More wishful thinking on my part, I soon realize.
That morning as we're picking newly-ripened strawberries out in the patch, I try not to let them remind me of the strawberry lips of Athena Russel kissing Gale behind the Hob the night before. Maybe my emotions are getting the best of me today, because I eventually forget that we are picking strawberries to sell to the mayor and instead begin to eat every last one that I pull from the vine. But it's been so long since I've had any, they're unbelievably sweet, and somehow strangely comforting.
"Whoa there, Catnip," Gale says to me when he realizes I have a whole seven strawberries sitting in my basically empty bag and my lips are covered in their juice. "Have a bit of an appetite today?"
I realize that it's a joke, but I glare at my hunting companion nonetheless. "So now I'm not allowed to eat them anymore?" I snap, and his brows draw together in confusion. I know that deep down I'm much more angry about something else right now, but I'm directing that anger towards his attempt at a little playful banter. A frown is still etched in my features as Gale's mouth gapes.
"Katniss, I didn't mean-" he begins, but it's still early in the morning and I can feel all of the strawberries I've just stuffed in my mouth wanting to make another appearance.
"I have to pee," I cut him off. Still irritated, I dump my bag to the ground hastily and stomp my way down the hill a bit and behind some brush. It doesn't take long to bring the berries back up, as I've become somewhat of a expert at regurgitating things over the past several weeks. But I feel guilty for having eaten them so quickly to the point that I've made myself sick when I realize all of the good food that had went to waste.
I shake my head, disgusted at myself as I wipe my mouth on the sleeve of my jacket and almost jump when I realize that Gale has been leaning up against a large tree that stands behind me, watching me the entire time. His face is without expression, but there's a knowing look in his dark gray eyes.
"You were watching me?" I hoarsely ask him, appalled at his invasion of my privacy.
"You weren't peeing," he points out. Shaking my head at him in disbelief, I go to brush past him, but he grabs my arm before I can. His grip is firm, yet gentle. "You were throwing up again."
I don't say anything, because this is the moment I've been trying to avoid all along. I don't want him to put two and two together, to come to the conclusion that this is much, much more than some little stomach bug.
"You've been lying to me, haven't you?" he accuses, but all I can do is stand there looking at him guiltily, my throat still raw from all the puking. Gale uses he free hand to run his fingers through his hair as he silently contemplates what this all means. He sits on it for a few seconds before his face pales and he eases his grip on my arm. "I knew there was something going on with you, Katniss. Throwing up, snapping at me, the mood swings, stuffing your face with strawberries, crying. It was all there, I just can't believe it's taken me this long to figure it out."
My heart is pounding in my chest as his eyes glide over me. I'm almost afraid to ask.
"Figure out what?" I finally manage to stammer out.
"That you're pregnant."