Seasons of Wither, Chapter 19
My tongue is dry and sticks the roof of my mouth as I brace my lower back with my hand. I pace back and forth along the fence, the bright noonday sun beating down overhead. Every bone in my body aches from my restless night's sleep on the hard ground. My stomach growls from being so empty for so long, and I am in dire need of water.
It's noon now, and I know that chances are no one will be looking for me for awhile. Gale's at work; Prim at school. My mom is none-the-wiser, probably assuming I'd left for school straight from the Hawthorne home as I often do when I find myself spending the night there.
It's probably been an hour since my last contraction hit, and I find myself feeling it again. Bracing myself against the trunk of a nearby tree, I grimace through the pain, letting out a painful yelp.
As much as I've tried to keep myself calm and collective through all of this, my anxiety is getting the best of me. I'm exhausted and alone and I've never been so frightened in my life. But my contractions are far apart and irregular, which means if this is labor, I have hours to go.
I can't get past the power in the fence being on. It's never been active this long before, at least not that I can remember. I assumed it would have been turned off by now, which only makes me think that someone knows I'm out here. That maybe the Peacekeepers will be showing up shortly to arrest me and have me persecuted for trespassing on Capitol land.
I finally sink down to the ground, burying my face in my hands and break down right there.
So stupid. I am so stupid.
I hug my arms around my massive belly as I begin to rock myself where I sit.
How could I have messed my life up so badly? How could I have been so blinded by whatever I was feeling with Gale that day? I had gone from being a self-sufficient and clever provider to a stupid pregnant girl who can't even get herself back home.
Luckily, I suppose, there's not much that can be shed in the form of tears, and instead I end up emitting a low pathetic wale for some time.
The baby inside of me, as if somehow sensing my distress, pushes back at the palms of my hands, which only makes me cry even harder.
"It's going to be okay," I quietly assure him and myself through my sobs. "Your father is going to come and find us, and you won't be born for another month and a half."
But hours pass and he still doesn't come. Neither does Prim, and I begin to contemplate traveling deeper into the woods to find something to eat or perhaps a source of rainwater that might have collected from the downpour we had a few days ago. But I decide to stay put just in case someone does show up looking for me soon, because I don't want to be out of shouting distance if they do.
I begin to occupy my time by walking as briskly as possible down the length of the fence and back, pausing to brace myself whenever a contraction hits. Then I remember my mother having her patients do the same when they wanted to speed up labor, so instead I choose to sit down cross-legged in the grass and wait.
The afternoon passes and I watch as the sun begins to dip down in the west. The contractions stay the same—intense, but generously spaced out.
It's about five in the evening when I hear a hoarse voice frantically calling my name.
I let out a grateful sigh of relief when I realize that it's Gale. He's standing a good distance off and still looking disheveled in his work clothes.
"Gale!" I shout his name, managing to catch his attention right away. His eyes land on me, a distinctive frown clearly etched in his features as he breaks into a run towards me.
"What are you doing out here, Katniss? I thought we'd agreed not to-"
"Stop!" I loudly warn him as he begins to approach the fence. "Stop right there!"
It takes him a second to realize that the power is on, and he quickly takes a step backwards, his eyes widening.
"How long has the power been on?" he asks me cautiously. "How long have you been out here?"
"It came on not too long after I passed through the fence yesterday evening. I waited all night for it to turn back off. Something's going on and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to get out of here."
His mouth goes agape as he studies the electrified fence before him. None of us know much about electricity, it being sort of a foreign thing to us. All we know is that if you touch it, you're fried. There's no way I can squeeze back through the opening without touching the chain link in the process.
"We'll think of something," he says quietly and unsurely. "Are you okay? You're not hurt?"
"No, but I'm hungry and thirsty and-" I begin, the muscles in my abdomen slowly beginning to tighten until I have to close my eyes to focus through the intense cramping in my lower abdomen. I emit a soft whimper and, lacking anything to brace myself against, end up easing myself down to the ground until it ends.
"Katniss?"
"Katniss!"
I can hear Gale repeating my name, but I'm in too much pain to answer. When the contraction finally eases, and I look up to meet his worried gaze.
"What's wrong?"
My bottom lip trembles as I try to calm myself. "I've been having contractions since last night. They're really bad, Gale. I can't...I can't be in labor yet. It's too soon," I cry, frightened.
I look up to see him pulling his hand through his hair as he stumbles back a bit in disbelief. Gale's eyes lock on mine as he contemplates how to get me out of the horrible mess I'd gotten myself into.
"Katniss!" a voice calls out in the distance. I look up to see Prim running at full speed towards us, braids bouncing as she makes her way in our direction. Gale quickly puts his arm out to stop her as she nears the fence. Prim's face is flushed with exertion as she attempts to catch her breath.
"Katniss, we were so scared! Are you okay?"
I open my mouth to answer when Gale turns to her, bracing her small shoulders with his hands. "Listen Prim, she's having contractions. The fence is on and we need to get her out of there right away. I want you to go back to the Seam. Do you know Thom Pilson?" he asks, and she nods. "Go to his house and bring him here. Have him round up a couple of shovels, okay? Hurry!"
Prim disappears back towards the Seam before anyone can speak another word. Gale looks down at me where I still sit frowzled on the ground.
"Are you okay?"
"Besides being in labor a month and a half too early, yes."
He sighs as he kneels down at my level, looking sadly at me through the chain link of the fence.
"I got home from work, and Prim was at my door hysterical because you weren't there after school today. He shakes his head. "I figured out right away where you'd gone off to. You always run away from the things you don't know how to handle, even if it's straight into danger."
I scowl. "You don't have to tell me that what I did was stupid. Obviously, since I might just have to deliver this baby by myself and let you visit through the fence."
"We'll get you out," he replies with a grumble. "If we can't dig you out, I'll bribe Cray to turn the power off."
My brows crease together at his words, because the mere idea of bribing a Peacekeeper is ludicrous.
We're quiet for awhile, Gale checking over his shoulder from time to time to see if Thom has showed up to rescue me yet. When another contraction hits, he looks at me helplessly through the fence as I seethe in pain.
"Breath, Katniss," he tells me softly, and a tear forms in the corner of my eye when I realize that this might be it. That Gale might not get me out of here in time. That I might just have this baby right here outside the district all by myself and it might kill us both. As the contraction passes, I exhale loudly before bursting into sobs.
"Catnip, it's going to be okay," Gale reassures me through the fence. "We'll get you out, and your mother will know what to do. Even if..." He begins, pausing for a second as his expression turns grim. "Even if the baby is coming early, it'll be okay." But Gale's eyes are shiny and I can tell that he's scared too.
And right now I curse that stupid fence that's standing in the way from Gale pulling me into his comforting embrace. Even though he's only standing five feet from where I sit, I feel so utterly alone.
Gale must see how hopeless this situation is, too. His eyes are rimmed with tears as he sinks down to the ground, frowning intensely as he pulls his hand across his face in anguish. "I wish you would've just heard me out last night before taking off like you did."
"So this is all my fault now?" I ask him. "Do you even remember the last time the fence was actually turned on, let alone for this long?"
Gale sighs heavily in reply.
"You always run, Katniss. Whenever something isn't going the way you want it to...off you go. Maybe for once you should learn to deal with your problems rather than running away and leaving them to fester. Did this really help you at all? Coming out here and letting it slowly eat away at you all night?"
"It's better than listening to you try to work out the reasoning behind your proposal. I already knew that you weren't in love with me," I mutter, causing him to stare expressionlessly at me through the fence. It's awkward talking about love with Gale, but it seems pointless to ignore the subject right now. "Just so you know, I don't blame you," I go on. "You can't force yourself to have feelings for someone even if they are carrying your kid. I understand that. But I don't need your charity, Gale. I don't need you to make things right by giving me this...this life of illusion that you've proposed."
"Katniss-"
"No!" I interject. "I don't care about making things easier or pleasing our mothers. All I care about is this baby, and I don't exactly see how forcing yourself to marry me is going to-"
"I wasn't forcing myself!" Gale loudly interrupts. "I didn't just want to marry you because of what my mother said, or the house, or because of the things that people whisper behind our backs whenever we walk through the square. When we slept together, I just assumed it meant that we'd be together! But then everything was so awkward afterwards, and you were so cold." He pauses, choking on a breath. "And when we finally got over the awkwardness of what we did, you said you wished it had never happened at all! Don't you get it, Katniss? Do you know what it's like to be in love with your best friend and not even be able to tell her? And then when you finally work up the nerve to say it, she tells you that she feels nothing for you?"
My heart pounds in my chest, and Gale's words have rendered me speechless.
"I moved on because you made it so blatantly obvious that you never want to be with me. I didn't want to be with Athena or anyone else, I wanted you. But you didn't want me. And when I found out about the baby...I didn't know what to say or do," he goes on. "You obviously didn't want to have this kid with me either. But after you told me, I wanted it, Katniss. Even though I knew that I shouldn't because it was going to make everything harder on everyone, I wanted it so badly."
Gale's nearly on the edge of tears when Thom finally shows up with two shovels and Prim tagging closely behind him. His eyes dart awkwardly between us as he hands Gale a shovel.
"She alright?" Thom asks him, motioning towards me.
"She will be if we can get her out of here," Gale answers him, trying to swallow his emotions in an effort avoid looking upset in front of his coworker. "You think it's safe to dig beneath the fence?"
Thom eyes the concrete foundation on which the fence sits for a moment, shrugging. "Don't see why it'd be wired underneath. I guess we'll find out."
Gale ends up sending Prim home to inform my mother what has been going on so that she can be prepared to help me once we get there. It takes an hour and a half for them to dig a big enough hole at the base of the fence for my pregnant form to safely crawl through. Thankfully, by then the sun has set and we've succeeded at not drawing any attention towards ourselves.
As I crawl my way beneath the barrier, I can feel Gale's strong arms reaching down to pull me out. I emerge filthy with a mouthful of dirt as he pulls me into his warm embrace and buries his face into my hair. By now Gale has seen me through five contractions, but he still takes a minute to hold me protectively in his arms as Thom stands back, wiping the sweat from his brow with the sleeve of his shirt.
"Gale, I'm thirsty," I rasp, my mouth dry from not having anything to drink for the past 24 hours. He pauses apprehensively, glancing back to the huge mess of a hole that he and Thom had dug beneath the fence.
"Get her back to her mother," Thom tells him. "I'll finish up here."
Gale nods in thanks before scooping me into his arms and walking quickly back towards the Seam. "Never ever do anything like that again, Catnip," he mutters. "From now on, don't go anywhere unless someone knows where you are."
A short while later, Gale throws open the front door of my home where my mother has already started to gather the necessary medical supplies for a premature delivery. He lies me on the hard, linen-covered table in our kitchen, sending a shock wave through my spine, and instantly I feel bad for all of the poor women who've had to give birth there over the years. Prim throws a sheet over my legs and Mother helps me discard of my dirty stockings and underwear.
"I really need a drink," I say weakly, since all I've managed to think about over the past several hours is a cool glass of water. Mother nods and Prim quickly fills a glass for me.
"Did you have anything to drink out there?" my mother asks me, and I shake my head. Brows creased together, Mother pinches the skin on the back of my wrist, studying it carefully. "Has your urine been darker than usual?"
I shrug. "I don't know. I guess."
"What's wrong with her?" Gale asks worriedly, clutching the palm of my hand more tightly.
"She's dehydrated. Lie back, Katniss. I'm going to check your cervix to see if you're dilated."
I do as my mother says. Prim pulls a pillow under my head, smoothing back my hair as Gale grips my hand reassuringly. I flush a bit as my mother reaches between my legs, and grimace at the uncomfortable pressure there. There's a look of intense concentration in her features before she shakes her head and pulls the sheet back down.
"Finish your water and then lie on your left side. You aren't dilated, and I don't that that you've gone into labor. The contractions were probably brought on by dehydration," my mother assures me. "We'll keep a close eye on you and they should stop within the hour. But I don't think we have anything to worry about."
Gale exhales a breath of relief before leaning down to kiss my dirt-smeared forehead. That's when I realize just how grotty I feel having been stuck outside for the past 24 hours and then dragged through a hole under the fence.
"I'll get you something to wash up with," Prim offers when I voice my frustration out loud.
"Baby's going to be fine, Catnip. She's going to be okay," Gale repeats himself, and I can only imagine the anxiety I've put him through over the past several hours. It's something that I don't often think about—how much all of this is effecting him. It's then that I realize how much he's had to put up with me. Worrying about me whenever I feel sad or ill or hungry. The extra hours he's put in at a job that he loathes just to keep enough food on both of our families' tables over the past few months. I'm not the only one suffering anxiety from this pregnancy; Gale's shouldered just as much of the responsibility as I have.
"I'm sorry," I finally whisper to him. "I knew better than to go out there, but I did anyways. I just didn't think the fence would turn on."
Gale shakes his head at me, his dirty hand caressing my cheek. "I don't care anymore. Just don't do anything stupid ever again," he tells me, causing us both to chuckle softly.
After Gale carries me to the comfort of my bed, I wash the dirt from my skin and change into a clean nightgown. Mother brings me a hot bowl of thin soup, which I devour. Gale sits at the end of my bed, squeezing my leg reassuringly as I slurp hungrily from the bowl.
"No more contractions?" Mother asks me.
"No, not since I've been home."
She nods, leaning down to kiss me on the top of my head. Then she grasps my shoulders, her expression serious. "I know that you've been taking care of yourself for...for awhile now," she tells me softly, dancing around the subject of her withdrawal after Father's death. "But I do worry about you and need you to act responsibly now. You were lucky this time. Next time you feel inclined to take off alone outside the district, maybe at least tell someone where you're going? Today could have ended up much worse had you really been in labor."
I nod my head in agreement. After finishing my small meal, my eyes begin to droop with fatigue. It's not quite bedtime yet, but my previous sleepless night spent outdoors has left me beat. My mother suggests I go to bed early, and I don't object.
Although Mother assures Gale that I'm going to be just fine, he still refuses to leave me. So instead, he wraps me in his arms as I slowly begin to drift off, placing a delicate kiss behind my ear as his large palm travels over the expanses of my ever-growing belly.
"I love you, Catnip," I hear him whisper as sleep finally takes me.