Chapter 12: You Can't Always Get What You Want

Warnings: Language

So after promising that I'd update quickly, that was really slow, wasn't it? I actually have an excuse: my computer broke, and I had to get another. This is the fastest I could update. LITERALLY. My priorities are way out of order.

As always, thanks for your lovely and encouraging reviews!

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Sam wanted so badly to learn how angel powers were different from demon blood powers. Dean and Cas wanted so badly for him to never find out. They didn't go hunting. They didn't leave the new motel they'd transferred to. Sam was essentially grounded, except that he was allowed TV and internet.

He got pretty good at pretending to watch the news while he probed the edges of Lucifer's grace. He hadn't been able to access it when he'd been the angel's vessel; that would have given him some control. Still, he could feel it through the slowly trickling vein of power that seemed to link them together. As he sat on the bed, staring blurrily in the direction of the television, Sam pushed some of the brightness from his soul toward Lucifer's grace.

The hunter waited to see what was sent back, if anything.

"Sam?" Castiel asked, a frown directed at the younger Winchester. "How are you, uh…"

"I'm fine, Cas," Sam replied, shaking his head to clear it. "Just getting tired." It was actually the case. Sharing…whatever it was he shared with Lucifer left him cold and tired. Deciding to share it himself seemed to have meant that he gave a lot more than the devil had ever taken previously. It meant he felt like he was recovering from a harsh fever. He decided it was an undesirable feeling, and that he would leave any future sharing up to Lucifer.

At that thought, a new feeling rushed in. It tingled in his nerves and veins, making everything crisp and clear and simple. Everything was sharpened. He felt that rush of rightness again, and the feeling was addictive. It was like the high from demon blood, only instead of a polluted feeling, he felt pure. It wasn't some cheap imitation designed to poorly imitate the real thing. Sam had literally been made to receive a part of Lucifer's grace, and the angel had been made to give it.

But it wasn't his power, even in the contrived way the demon powers had been his. This was all Lucifer, through him. This is what he might have felt, had he been a willing vessel. Or rather, this was just a taste.

"Sam, obviously you're not just tired," Castiel said, standing and walking quickly to stand next to the hunter. When the he spoke, Sam actually heard the tiniest overlap of Castiel's true voice saying the very same words.

"No, I'm not," Sam admitted with a gasp. "I'm really not."

"What did my brother do?" Cas demanded.

"He…he sent more power back. Cas, if I close my eyes, I can actually feel his grace around my soul. Is that what Jimmy feels?" He asked, staring up at the concern in the angel's eyes.

"Yes, he is likely able to perceive the edges of my grace. Naturally it is an unpleasant state for something as sensitive as the human soul." The edge of pity in the angel's voice was clear, but it was also misguided.

"No," Sam nearly whispered "it doesn't hurt. It feel like….Cas, I want to be his vessel."

Castiel became rigid, his eyes widening in horror. "No Sam, you don't. I don't know what sort of feeling he has manufactured, but you don't want—"

Castiel's sentence cut short as he turned his head to see Lucifer standing behind him, a look of regret on his features. "Please excuse him, little brother," the archangel said.

"Lucifer," Cas growled. "You will not claim him as your vessel."

Lucifer paused, frowning, and Sam believed he was trying to ignore the order he had just been given by a lower angel. "I didn't intend to," he replied finally. Satan then turned his gaze to the hunter.

"I want to say yes," Sam told him as he had two years ago in Detroit. The difference was that he now meant it honestly.

"I believe you, but that was my mistake," Lucifer replied with a sigh. The feeling that had been buzzing through Sam's body had already begun to slowly ebb, but now it quickly subsided to a dull feeling of clarity. "Sam, you told me that you wanted your brother to be happy more than you wanted happiness for yourself. It was true before and it was true in the cage. Is it true now?" He demanded seriously.

Sam let out a long sigh. "Yes," he replied.

Lucifer nodded, and without another word, he flicked a distracted smile at both of them and was gone.

…

"Where's Cas?" Dean asked, trying not to sound too upset as he entered the motel room. He didn't have food with him, and had been gone with the Impala for nearly an hour, so Sam felt certain he had been talking to Anna.

"I asked him to leave for a second," the younger brother replied.

"And he did? What's up, Sam?" The tone slightly more demanding.

"Something happened, and I told Cas I wanted to talk to you about it first," the Sam explained. "But before that, what did Anna say?"

"No way, Sam. We talk about whatever the Hell happened while I was gone," Dean insisted.

"Look, Cas was here. He knows what happened, and he agreed to step out. If I run off or refuse to talk or whatever it is you're afraid I'll do, you can still ask him. So you can wait two minutes to tell me about Anna while he's gone."

Dean sighed, reluctantly agreeing.

"She's working on the war. She said they were losing ground, because a lot of the angels Cas didn't kill don't trust him anymore, and switched sides. Some of them brought important weapons with them," Dean began.

"Okay, so what happened?"

"They started winning again. Just in the past day or two. She doesn't know why, and she wants us to find out somehow. I'm going to start by asking Cas," Dean said. He waited a couple seconds to let Sam think about it. "Now you go. What the fuck happened while I was gone for 45 minutes?"

"I gave Lucifer a bit of power, just so I could feel his grace better," Sam replied. The reasoning seemed far more feeble when he said it out loud.

Dean's expression was probably best described as 'horrified rage,' but he stayed quiet while Sam explained what had happened after, being perfectly clear that Lucifer had been the one to talk him out of it, and to bring him down, and to sort things out.

"Cas, come back in," Dean called before he said anything to his brother. "What's your opinion on this?" He demanded of the angel.

"Honestly," his expression for Sam was totally apologetic "I believe that this could easily be a ploy to make us trust him. However, he has now shown us that he can bend Sam's desires at any time. The fact that he did not accept his true vessel now does not mean he will not in the future."

The younger Winchester was furious at this. "Okay, so I messed up," he said. "But you're still the most important thing to me, Dean. We're family. So even if I fail, and even if you're really, really pissed at me, you know I count on you. You never change, even when our life gets weird. And what I told Lucifer was true—the thing I want most is for you to be happy." It was infuriating that Dean couldn't see that everything Sam had done had been for his sake, even the things Dean had outright disagreed with or even forbidden. As they stood there glaring at each other, Sam could see that this concept still hadn't registered with his big brother.

"Sammy, I told the devil this, so you should hear it too," Dean said, his voice low and serious. "If family is so important to you, then you'll understand why I say that I will kill you myself if you get too deep into this angel crap."

Hearing that from his brother was the biggest slap in the face that anyone could experience, but it wasn't unexpected. He forced himself to be calm, rather than point out that Dean likely couldn't kill him with Lucifer roaming about. His hands balled into white-knuckled fists at the effort.

"No, Dean, I don't understand, because I would never do that to you," he said, jaw clenched.

"Well I would, alright? You're my brother, Sam. Lucifer isn't. If I lose you to him, then my brother is gone, and I'll have to hunt you just like anything else."

Castiel had watched from behind Dean, silently offering support to the older Winchester while glaring at the younger. "Sam, your decision to allow the devil near you may have jeopardized your entire species. I'm afraid that I agree with your brother. I will aid him in his hunt, should it become necessary."

Sam was looking for words, any words, when a rush of air announced the presence of an angel.

"Anna," Castiel gasped. "How are you…"

"I'm sorry, Cas, but there isn't time. We've reached the climax of the war. You're needed now."

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Oh, we're down to the wire now. Just three chapters to the end, lads and lasses!

And we may have even reached the end of people yelling at Sam! Hurraaaay!