A/N: A big bunch of elanor to my reviewers. Thank you3

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. If I ever do, Valar protect the characters.

6. A Sane Ring Bearer Is Essential For The Quest

Aragorn could kick himself. Why hadn't he thought of it? Legolas was never the one to come up with master plans. But his recent scheming had taught the creepy stalker an unforgettable lesson and got her out of his hair into the bargain. The Mary Sue was giving Legolas the silent treatment. Unfortunately, this resulted in her doubling the attention she paid the ranger who was currently hiding in Lothlorien's smallest broom cupboard.

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'Aaaaarryyyyyy…!' called out Melodia Athelas Ramone Ylerita Starlight Urzula Evangeline. 'Where are you? Arry!'

She had looked everywhere for her sweetums. The archery practice field, the stables, the library, Celeborn's office, the armoury; everywhere such a lord of men would be. Where was he?

She went to the gardens. 'Arrykins? Are you out there?'

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The four hobbits were having a picnic, sitting around a large pond with their feet in the water. Merry was telling them about a party in Buckland.

'We were all a bit tipsy, Shrimp, Will, Theo and I. Then Stella came around with a platter of cakes. Out of impulse I kissed her on the lips. You won't believe this; she giggled! Theo went and pecked her on the cheek and she slapped him…'

'Exactly how drunk were you?' Pippin interjected skeptically. 'For the life of me I can't imagine why a pretty girl like Estella would fancy a nutcase like you.'

'Diamond was crying after her last date with you.'

'Because she fell and hurt herself!'

'You pushed her!'

'There was a huge snake where she was standing, what was I supposed to do?'

'It was a rubber snake, you wuss. I should know, I put it there.'

'WHAT! You…'

As Pippin prepared to strangle his best friend, the hobbits heard her voice; 'Arrykins? Are you out there?'

With looks of horror, Pippin dived headfirst into a nearby bush and Merry jumped into the pond, holding his breath. Frodo, always a bit slow on the uptake, stood rooted on the spot. Sam tried to decide where to hide, but it was too late.

The Mary Sue approached the two petrified hobbits.

'Frodo, sweetie, have you seen Strider?'

Frodo shook his head violently.

Suddenly the she looked into his wide eyes with an odd expression on her face.

'Oh, Frodo!' she breathed, taking his face in her hands. 'Oh, you have the most beauuuutiful eyes!

Frodo tried to gulp and found out that his throat was too busy retching. He shot Sam a pleading look. Sam shrugged apologetically as if to say 'I will help you with Sauron, but this is a whole new evil.'

'Oh, SUCH big, blue eyes!' simpered the Mary sue.

'Mimwimble….' whimpered Frodo.

The Mary Sue giggled. 'Frodo, you make me feel like a pedophile!'

'MOMMYYYYYYYYYY!'

Frodo broke away from the Mary Sue's grip, turned and sprinted away with his eyes shut tight. The Mary Sue took after him.

Pippin and Merry emerged from their hiding places.

'I don't think Mr Frodo will ever open his eyes again.' said Sam sadly. The three hobbits watched as Frodo blindly crashed into trees, elves and a shocked Galadriel as he ran screaming, with the Mary Sue still behind him.

'There goes the Ring Bearer officially chosen by the Council of Elrond' sighed Merry.

Pippin shook his head.

'Why don't we just drop Elrond a post card and tell him that Middle-earth is doomed?'

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