Me no own Avatar: The Last Airbender...but Lupe and Karen are mine! Other students belong to you lovely people ^_^ Lovely, lovely people...
Karen grinned at the students' reactions to her words. Official Fanfiction University of Avatar: The Last Airbender? What was that? Oh, the poor, poor saps. They would learn soon enough that this was not going to be a huge adventure with the possibility of winning the affection of their Lust Object.
"Well, since you're all clearly grasping that so well, allow me to continue." The Agent pulled a dagger from her sleeve and began to toy with it absently as she spoke. "This institution has been established to teach you all the ins and outs of Avatar: The Last Airbender fanfiction. If you were recruited because you thought this is James Cameron's Avatar, please raise your hand, and the guards will escort you out." A fair number of hands were raised, and several Boiling Rock prison guards ushered those people out. Distant screams were heard as they were thrown down the Plot Hole Home, a huge pit created whenever someone who had been magically transported to the Avatar 'verse in a story suddenly and inexplicably found themselves home.
"Now, I would like to begin by laying down a few ground rules." Karen started to clean her fingernails with the knife—dried blood could be so hard to get out. "First: you may not glomp, attack, molest, rape, or in any way, shape, or form give in to your natural fangirl desires when presented with your Lust Object. Especially if said Lust Object is Zuko." There were loud protests to that, which stopped when Karen tossed a fish over the balcony for the Unagi. "Thank you for being silent and polite following that statement." She rolled her eyes. "Moving on.
"Any attempts to violate the First Rule will be met by an attack of flying lemurs. To demonstrate, I have asked a good friend of mine to enter the room so I may fangirl on her and show you why it's a dangerous activity. Fair One, if you please?"
Not on your life. Everybody jumped and looked around, wondering where the voice had come from.
"Aww! C'mon! Pleeeease?" Karen attempted to do puppy-dog eyes, but with no idea which direction to do them to, she quickly gave up. "Look, just this once, then you can go off and do whatever it is you do wherever you like. But please. Just let me show them why fangirling is a bad idea."
Oh, fine. The voice seemed grumpy. A light began to shine on the balcony, and coalesced into a vague, humanoid, feminine form.
"MASTER!" Karen cried happily, lunging for the light-being. She didn't get farther than a foot before the flying lemurs that were lining the walls all swarmed her. For a moment, she was blocked from view. Then the lemurs returned to their posts, leaving Karen pinned to the floor. "Ang, Moomoo, you better not have wrecked this coat. I had to trade the guys in the Matrix Mary Sue department fifty Twinkies for it."
I'm leaving now. The Fair One informed Karen. And just because you called me "Master" again, I'm taking this. She held up the knife Karen had been playing with earlier. Maybe that will teach you.
"No! I will never learn!" Karen screamed to the ceiling as the Fair One vanished. There was a pause—then… "So, can someone remove the knives so I can get up and finish?"
There was a brief pause in the orientation as several guards had to scale the walls up to the balcony to free Karen. ("Why didn't you just go to the stairs? There's a door hidden somewhere down there, isn't there?" "Uhh…we forgot about it…") Then Karen resumed her speech.
"Okay. Second Rule takes directly from the First Rule, but is a little different, so they're two rules." Karen paused, then added thoughtfully, "Though, maybe we should just make it Rule 1.5, since really it's just a variation of the First Rule that some of you fangirls like to violate on a regular basis. I've heard there was a serious problem with it over at the original Fanfiction University…"
"Psst! Karen!" Aang peeked around the corner of the door to the balcony. "You're getting off-track again!"
"Oh! Oh, I am, aren't I?" Karen laughed nervously. "Thank you, Avatar. Well then, let's get back on topic, shall we? Second Rule is…" The Agent blinked, then covered her mouth with her hand and whispered back to Aang. "What was the Second Rule again?"
"Stampedes!" Aang hissed softly, eyeing the fangirls warily. He knew he had several fangirls amongst them…but he didn't know who. Plus, apparently one of them had expressed an interest in "experimenting" on him to determine a scientific reason for Bending…
"Okay! Second Rule: NO stampeding, be it of the staff, random Avatar 'verse characters, or me!" Karen emphasized that last one by pulling another knife out of her sleeve. "Hehe…the Fair One missed this…" Lightly briefly coalesced around the bladed weapon, and then it vanished. "What? NO! I'M SORRY! I'LL NEVER CALL YOU MASTER AGAIN, JUST PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF CAFFEINE, GIVE IT BAAACK!"
"Can we leave now?" A student called. Karen's eyes flashed, and she produced yet another dagger from the small of her back. She proceeded to throw this dagger directly to the left of the student, brushing their ear.
"No." She said flatly. "You're…Miss Ochiern, I believe? Yes? No? If you weren't, you are now. Please pay attention. Also, can you toss that back? No? Very well. Ang, please get me the knife." Before the lemur could move, the dagger shone with light, then vanished. "I'M SORRY MA—FAIR ONE!"
"Rule Three!" Aang called desperately, trying to get Karen back on track.
"Okay…Third Rule: If you should attempt to write fanfiction while here, you will be punished according to the Laws of Poetic Justice laid down by Lord Elrond in his court back at OFUM." Karen relished the thought of what that entailed before continuing. "As an example, I would like to tell you what happened to a good friend of mine when he attempted to write a fanfiction in which a Shadowbender warrior fell in love with Katara."
"You have friends?" Someone yelped in surprise.
"I know where you will be sleeping tonight, Mr. [-]!" Karen called sweetly. "Now! This friend of mine was hauled before the Court. His charges were: tampering with canon to include a completely new kind of Bending, breaking up a canon pairing, godmoding his character in such a way that nobody could beat him, and annoying PPC agents."
"What happened to him?" One of the students yelled.
"An excellent question, Ms. Moretti!" Karen beamed. "He was sentenced to act out the story himself…with the woman who played Katara in 'The Ember Island Players.'" Those who knew what she was talking about shuddered in horror. "Last I heard, he was still muttering to himself in a corner about hope. And trying to bash his brains out on the wall.
"Anyways, Fourth Rule: Students are not allowed into the Staff Section, EVER." Everybody moaned at that one. "Hey, we like to be able to sleep in safety. Though Sokka may just babble about being captured again if you try to kidnap him. In fact…" Karen looked back at the balcony door. "You guys got captured a lot, didn't you?"
"YES." The collective voices of Team Avatar sounded wearily from behind the curtain. At the sound of Zuko's voice, pretty much all of the fangirls sat up straight and leaned forward intently.
"Well, that concludes the Rules." Karen said cheerfully. "Lessee now…oh, this is questions time. Okay, feel free to ask me anything! There's no such thing as a stupid question! There are only questions that will result in me throwing a knife at you for daring to speak! So who's first?" There was silence for a good five minutes…and someone raised a hand. "Ahh…Ms. Carden."
"Umm…Zuko's one of the teachers…right?" She ventured. Every lemur in the room slowly turned to look at her. "I…I just ask because…well…a friend of mine told me stories about OFUM, and the canon characters there all taught classes…so…"
"Oh, that's a valid question." Karen nodded. The lemurs did not look away from the girl, who was starting to squirm in her seat under the pressure. "Everybody, Jessica Carden has just raised an important point of the University. You will be taught by the characters from the series." People began to talk in loud voices, and a group of girls started chanting "Zuzu, Zuzu, Zuzu" over and over again. "Oh dear. Aang?"
A loud, piercing whistle cut through the air, and everyone (including Karen) covered their ears. "Thank you, Avatar." Karen nodded to the curtain. A hand with a blue arrow tattooed on the back poked out, made a thumbs-up sign, and withdrew back beyond the doorway. "Now, returning to the question.
"Yes, your classes will be taught by the cast characters. Each of them will have a guard of lemurs whenever there is a fangirl within fifty feet of them, so there will be no hope of getting to them before the lemurs get to you. And trust me," Karen pulled out a piece of bacon, "the lemurs can smell fangirls." There was a low, creepy chittering amongst the lemurs, and Karen tossed the bacon into the air. Several lemurs darted to grab it at once, and had a brief midair fight before the Unagi darted up and snatched the bacon. "By the way, attempting to bribe the lemurs with bacon will not work. They'll just swarm you looking for more."
"Now, a quick explanation of what to expect in your year." An old man, somewhat on the short side, walked through the curtain. "Hello there! I'm Iroh, for those of you who don't know. I'll be your Assistant Headmaster for the year."
"Who's the Headmaster, then?" Someone asked.
"The scary chick in black, who else!" Another person shouted.
"I'm very sorry, Ms. Somariel, but I am not the Headmaster. Ms. Freeranger, good thinking." Karen and Iroh traded a look, and began to snicker. "The Headmaster is…Momo!" A lemur flew out from beyond the curtain, and rested on Karen's head. "I've been teaching him to throw knives too, so please don't annoy him! Also, we require his handprint…pawprint…footprint…wingprint? Well, whatever it is, we need his approval for all paperwork, especially the Class Trip Permission Forms, so please try not to annoy him too much."
"Can we glomp him?" [-] called out hopefully. "He's my favorite character!"
"…" Karen stared at him. "You've just gone on my list of suicidally foolish people. I'd say stupid, but that's a strong word. Also, I'm one of said people, so I'm gonna be nice to myself on this one."
"Hey, where's Appa?" Amy Ochanian piped up.
"He's helping haul equipment in for Azula's torture room." Karen explained. "Which, by the way, will be used for the lemurs to deposit any enthusiastic glompers. And yes, Azula did indeed go insane at the end of the series. This does not mean she can be easily fought off. If anything, it means she's even more dangerous than she was before. Also, if she should start to call you 'dear brother Zuzu,' run."
"You mentioned a field trip?" Someone else called.
"Ah, Meep Megdalene. I did indeed." Karen turned to Iroh. "Would you care to explain, your royal Teaship?"
"I would love to!" Iroh exclaimed, going up to the railing. "All right, students. There will be several class trips throughout the school year, each to a different Nation or area of interest to those who want to write believable fanfiction. These locations include, but may not be limited to, Ba Sing Se, the Northern Water Tribe, the capital of the Fire Nation, a nondescript Earth Kingdom village, and the Great Divide Canyon." He paused, then added, "Camping gear will be needed for travel, as none of you seem to grasp the difficulties that living off the land can have."
"Anyone caught trying to attack a staff member while traveling will have their camping gear taken away, so they can learn just how hard it is to survive being stranded in the woods with nothing." Karen added. "This includes weaponry—which awaits you lot in your rooms, by the way."
"Ah! Thank you for bringing up that topic, Karen." Iroh smiled. "Concerning weaponry and your new Bending abilities. All Benders will be required to report to the Training Area an hour before dawn each day to learn the basics of Bending. Non-Benders—we were quite surprised to get any, really—will report an hour after dawn to join the Benders in learning the uses of their various weapons." Groans issued from the students. "Well, you all seem to write characters who know how to use weapons instinctively…so we're going to show you just how much work mastering them actually requires."
"Weapons training will continue until breakfast." Karen took over flawlessly. "After breakfast, you will be required to attend your classes and do homework. There an entrance to the library in the wing with the classrooms. The knowledge spirit Wan Shi Tong has graciously agreed to allow us to utilize his library, but if you attempt to use the information you gain for what he deems 'evil,' you will be attacked by his Knowledge Seekers, who will also take on the lemurs' guard duties while any staff members are in the library."
"Your timetables and class lists should be in your rooms." Iroh looked thoughtfully at the ceiling. "Blue Spirit…what are you doing?" Everyone looked up to find that the Blue Spirit was, indeed, clinging to the ceiling above them. He tensed, then threw himself at the balcony. Landing with a smooth roll, he then fled beyond the curtain.
"Well, that was random. And you should learn to expect things like that, everyone!" Karen gave the assembled students a Look. "This isn't Harvard or Yale. This is OFUATLA—say it with me, Oh-Foo-Aht-La—and you're here to learn or die. And since Katara can bring people back to life with the Spirit Oasis water, you don't even have that option!"
Momo, still atop Karen's head, chattered in his odd lemur-speech. "Oh, and Headmaster Momo would like to end this assembly by saying that any who enter the Haunted Wing will meet an unfortunate and permanent end." Everyone, including Iroh, stared at Karen. "Okay, fine, there's no Haunted Wing. He just wants leechi nuts. Go to your rooms. You'll know it's yours because there'll be a picture of your head at about face level." She waved a hand, and left the balcony. The students and Iroh stared after her, then began to slowly trickle out of the hall.
Lupe was positive that Agent DuLay was insane. Had she voiced the opinion to Karen herself, she would have received an answer of "Well duh. Want a cookie?" Most wisely, however, she chose to keep her opinions to herself.
It seemed the dormitory was a large cell block, with about ten levels and only one entrance at the very bottom. Lupe's room was, naturally, on the sixth floor, between Meep and Sofia's rooms. Somehow, they had gotten hold of her school ID photo, which made her skin look blotchy, and had been taken after a noogie by her best friend messed her hair up considerably.
"I'm a little scared to go in." Meep admitted. "What if there's something horrible in there?"
"I'll go in with you!" Andy suggested, slinking over and trying to wrap an arm around Meep's waist. Meep immediately darted into her room, slamming the door behind her. Andy pouted, then looked over at Sofia and Lupe hopefully. Both followed Meep's example.
Lupe's room was about ten feet by ten feet. One side was mostly dominated by a bed, with drawers built into the lower parts. Next to the door was a desk, piled high with—scrolls? What? Lupe took one and unrolled it, to find it was written in Chinese, or something like Chinese at least. She clumsily re-rolled it and put it back on the desk.
Then something hanging on the wall by her bed caught Lupe's eye. She grinned as she realized a pair of broadswords, like Zuko had used in the series, hung from a hook on the wall. They shone in the light from the lit candle on her desk, beautiful and dangerous.
Maybe there were some good points to this.
"Are the curriculums all ready?" Karen asked in the staff's general purpose room (GPR for short). "Lemurs? You have your knives? Excellent, my beauties. Have some bacon. Okay everybody, this is the first Staff Meeting of Semester One of Year One of the Official Fanfiction University of Avatar: The Last Airbender."
"The schedules are complete." Aang held up a scroll. "Care to take a look?"
"Sorry, but I don't read Chinese." Karen sighed. "I really need to learn, though, if I'm gonna be here. Uh, Zuko, maybe you could teach me…?"
"No." Mai growled, seizing Zuko's hand in a death-grip. Karen winced, and took a sheet of paper from the pile before her, all written in English.
"Well, we just need the Headmaster to sign these proofs of attendance sheets, and the PPC will authorize official licenses to write fanfictions for all graduates." Karen set down the paper. "'Lupe Hernandez'…well, God help that poor soul." She looked around. "Well, classes start tomorrow morning. Best get sleep while we can."
"Can I get some jerkey first?" Sokka suggested. "I'm STARVING!"
Oh Sokka. You and your meat. Please review and tell me what you think! :D