I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender.
But then, you knew that, didn't you?
I'm still accepting applications, people! There's no guarantee you'll show up every chapter, but every other at least!
Lupe stumbled into the Fire Hall, the doors of which were thankfully already open, and found a seat. She ached in places she hadn't known could feel pain. It had begun that morning, when the wake-up bell rang a few hours before dawn and the guards had started banging on doors to get people up. The training exercises had been murder—Lupe'd had the presence of mind to bring her swords with her today, and some instructor named Piandao had made her practice pulling them out of their sheath. He'd said it was completely necessary, but Lupe figured he was just holding her back from revealing what a prodigy she was and surpassing him in mere days.
[-] sauntered over and took a seat next to Lupe. Well, "saunter" was probably what he was going for, but it looked more like a pained limp. He'd apparently put down a sword hilt as a weapon, thinking he could Firebend a blade for it to create lightsaber-like effect. The only problem with his thinking was that he first needed to learn how to Firebend well enough to pull that trick off. When Karen had randomly appeared during training and declared that she would duel him, it hadn't been pretty. He'd lasted all of two-point-four seconds. Lupe knew this because Meep had timed the fight in her head somehow.
Well, at least [-] wasn't the only one limping. Danish the Awesome, a Water Tribe student who kept insisting she was really from the Earth Kingdom, had proudly challenged Karen after [-]'s pitiful defeat. She had then pulled out her weaponry…sharpened chocolate chip cookies.
Karen's reaction was…scary. Her eyes had widened in shock for a moment, and Danish had seemed to read that as fear because she fired off some comment about being Karen's superior in cookie combat. Those words were soon regretted, as Karen had barraged the poor girl with an onslaught of rock-hard cookies while screaming something about copycats. One phrase stuck out quite clearly in Lupe's mind—"I am the only true Cookie Warrior!" It made one wonder where the Cookie Monster fit into things. After Karen left Danish lying beneath a pile of cookie crumbs, the hapless student had been dragged off by Mai, who had been completely unimpressed by Danish's throwing skills.
Back to class. [-] had collapsed into the seat next to Lupe, and was rubbing his head. "I think it's a bad thing that I don't remember a thing from Basic Canon earlier," he commented to the younger girl. "Memory loss is bad, right? I can't remember if it is or isn't…actually, I can't remember a lot of things right now…"
"Bad," Meep answered him, taking a seat on his other side. "Memory loss is perfectly normal in older folks, but you're still in your early twenties. In your case, it could be evidence of brain damage, recurring meningitis or epilepsy, constant drug use, or the result of a stroke. You haven't had a stroke, had you?" Meep leaned in so that her nose was brushing [-]'s. "Hm…you look like you have full control of both sides of your body…"
"Uhhh…" [-]'s eyes were flickering around, looking for a way out. Lupe giggled at his uneasiness, but leaned over him to talk to Meep.
"Nice to see you're back, but give him some personal space," she said.
"Back? I went somewhere?" Meep tilted her head, but her eyes remained open and unblinking. It was a look one might expect from a creepy character in a horror film, but not from a pretty girl of Meep's age.
"You were…" Lupe began to remind Meep how she'd been rather…well, not all there lately, but she wound up just trailing off. Meep was so creepy with that look… "Just…never mind. I'm clearly mistaken."
"Okay," Meep shrugged, and she reached into the small book bag slung over her shoulder. Everyone had woken up to find those book bags in their rooms, with no explanation as to how they got there without anyone noticing. Lauphen had decided the teaching staff was secretly trying to turn them all into tomatoes in their sleep, but their methods had backfired and resulted in the bookbags—which were, incidentally, coordinated with each student's uniform, with the straps at the perfect length for every student's height, not to mention non-adjustable—appearing instead. So far, only Meep bought it.
Well, at least some people could carry their weapons around in them. [-]'s sword hilt was small enough to fit without taking up space for the scrolls—likely textbooks—inside. Meep's weapons—small thorned needles without a grip, were rolling around inside her bag and making retrieving anything at the bottom likely to be a painful experience.
Lupe raised one arm to scratch her ear, but couldn't get it past her chest before it fell back down again. All right, so she was a little tired, but those swords were heavy! She'd decided they looked cooler slung over her back than they would have anywhere else, but that meant when she was pulling them out she had to lift them into the air before lowering them. That Piandao guy had told Lupe she was lucky the blades had been dulled before she was allowed to have them, because her tendency to rest them against her shoulder when drawing them would have cut her to pieces if they were sharp. Like he knew anything about swords! He was probably some wanna-be old guard, a throwaway character from the series, who showed up in one of the episodes Lupe hadn't watched. Which was, well, most of them.
"Seriously, what did we do in Basic Canon?" [-] asked again.
"We watched the first five episodes of Season One," Lupe yawned, forgetting until the last second to cover her mouth. "Our teachers say it'll take about three weeks to get through the entire series if we use Mondays for discussion. And Allie Doyle tried to tackle-hug Bumi, but was stopped by King Boomie and Bhumi. Plus some Earth Kingdom student vanished in the middle of the fourth episode."
"I loved the first episodes," Meep added. "I've been watching the series since the start. It's really nice that we get to see it again here."
"Oh…it was my first time seeing them," Lupe admitted. She felt herself flush a little, though she didn't know why. So she hadn't seen a few…well, okay, most of the episodes. So what? It's not like she couldn't get all she needed to write the characters off of other people's fanfictions. Or fanart. Mm, fanart. Lupe really needed to get some Zutara fanart if she was gonna be here for a whole year.
"Huh? It was?" Meep stared at Lupe in that creepy way again. "Why didn't you see it before?"
"Never felt the need," Lupe shrugged uneasily. "Uh, looks like we're starting."
Sure enough, a group of canon characters were walking onto the stage of the Fire Hall. Lupe recognized Aang, but not the middle-aged man in green beside him, or the girl younger than Lupe in a long Japanese dress-thingy (kimoto, right? It was a kimoto?). Several of the other students seemed to know her, though, because an ominous murmur swept through the crowd of students. Next to Lupe, [-] gave an angered growl.
Then Anjilly walked onstage, silencing the noise. At least, Lupe thought it was Anjilly, because without Karen around to be, well, Karen, it was hard to tell if it really was Anjilly or just Karen in a weird mood without her awesome coat. Maybe Lupe could get an awesome coat like that too…
"Attention, students," Anjilly called. "Welcome to Bestiology and You. This class is dedicated to teaching you about the rare and unique animals found in the universe of the Avatar world, as well as give you some information concerning the recurring phenomenon of Cute Animal Friends. In this class, you will learn the importance of animals in your work and come to appreciate the time and care it takes to maintain a pet or riding animals. You…uh…you…" She snuck some notecards out of a pocket, and discarded a few before reading off of one. "You will now be asked to identify the animal you wrote on your registration form to bring with you. If you did not choose to bring an animal, your life will be much easier without needing to feed, bathe, and all-around care for something that'll puke all over your floor and be a lump in the worst possible places and…" Anjilly trailed off with a frown. She rifled through the rest of her notecards, and sighed. "Very funny, Kari, replacing my notecards with your own versions. This is why I was memorizing them…let's see…oh, they're here. Okay everyone, grab your beast."
At Anjilly's words, a horde of animals stampeded into the Fire Hall with a concerted amount of grunting, snuffling, barking, meowing, yowling, and screaming. The students got up from their seats and began looking for their pet—or, in the case of those without pets, to avoid being trampled by the horde of animals.
"Reggae!" Isabella Rose cried in delight, scooping up a bundle of white and black fur. "Hi there, baby! Momma's got you now, yes, I was wondering where you were…"
"Gerald!" Jessica Carden picked up a rat. "Excellent. We'll have to figure out where the air ducts are, but you should be spying on the staff—especially Zuko—in no time! Now, where's that portable mini-camera harness of yours…?"
Daniel Clemens was tackled by a huge golden retriever. "Skippy, it's you!" He grinned as it began to bathe his face thoroughly with its tongue. "I was wondering where you were hiding!"
"Ow!" Somariel complained as a large horse bumped its nose against her cheek. "No, I didn't bring a pet, I'm not your master…there, that kid, he's trying to reach you, go to him…" The horse plowed its way through a mass of fur, scales, and amphibious skin to affectionately nuzzle a young Fire Nation student. "William, look out!" Somariel cried. "That ostrich is about to get your—oh, too late…poor guy…" William GP, meanwhile, was cursing the student who had thought bringing an ostrich would be funny while thanking his deity of choice that he hadn't wanted a pet during his stay at OFUA:TLA.
"Aww, my kitties!" Fyre Elaine picked up two cats. At least, Lupe thought they were cats. Their fur was sticking out at odd angles, and there was a crazed mass-murderer look to their eyes that wasn't very catlike. "Lily, Sophie, how're my babies?" One of the cats responded by latching onto Fyre Elaine's neck vampire-style. "Ow! No, Sophie, dear, I'm not for eating…"
"Look!" Meep's voice blasted into Lupe's ear as a reddish-brown lump of fur with red eyes was pushed into Lupe's face. "It's my Royroy!" Royroy squeaked in terror, and Lupe started as a small shock hit her nose.
"Ow! Wh-what was that?" Lupe yelped, jerking her face back. Royroy squeaked again, and a crackle of blue-white sparks rippled over his fur. "Meep, your thing's shorting out!"
"Royroy's not a thing, he's a rat!" Meep defended her pet indignantly. She brought him close to her cheek and began to stroke his fur. "And I sorta wrote on my application that he can Firebend lightning. Didn't think they'd actually let him do it. Guess that's crack fanfiction for you, isn't it?"
"What?" Lupe frowned, but [-] was talking over her.
"Ha! Suckers!" He gloated, gesturing to the majority of the students in the Fire Hall. "See them, Lupe? Laugh at them. Laugh long and hard. While they will be stuck caring for many and varied beasts, we shall have free time! Meep, you've got a small thing and it looks pretty tame, so I don't think you count as one of those fools. Laugh with me! Fahahahaha!"
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Meep bellowed just as everyone else noticed Anjilly's furious gesturing silence and complied. The girl's rather impressive evil laugh resounded for half a minute in the acoustically-perfect Fire Hall (not designed by Karen) before fading away. Everyone turned to stare. Meep, not giving a sign that she noticed, settled into her seat.
"Uh…please don't do that again," Anjilly requested before returning to business. "Now, you will have to care for your pet's every need—and we do need mean every. If your pet is hungry, you will obtain proper food. If your pet is thirsty, you will get some water. If your pet is lonely, you will play with your pet, so far as your workload and class schedules will permit. Animals need exercise, so you must walk your pet at least once a day. We will have several night shift guards going around an hour before weapons training each morning to wake up those of you whose pets can be walked. Should your pet double as a ride, you will find appropriate tack and harnesses in your rooms when you wake up tomorrow. Riding animals will need to be ridden, and if you do not know how, Aang will be available in the training area after dinner most days to get you started."
Lupe saw the student with the ostrich wince. He was just barely avoiding having it attack his hair. And it was big enough to ride.
Anjilly continued to speak, eyes screwed shut in concentration as she tried to finish. "This class will be taught by Avatar Aang, his associate Kenji, the Zookeeper of the Ba Sing Se Zoo, and his friend Suki, an expert on large sea creatures."
"Hey!" Suki interrupted. "How many times do I have to tell you people, just because I live near the Unagi…!"
"Sh! She's not done!" Aang quieted his friend.
"Ahem!" Anjilly coughed to redraw attention to her. "Your pets will need to be present in class every third Thursday so that we may use their presence to discuss the difficulties and benefits of having an animal companion. Every other class day will be dedicated to the study of the wondrous creatures of the Avatar world. At that, I leave the class to Aang and the Zookeeper." The former assassin beat a hasty retreat, clearly glad to be going. Aang stepped forward.
"All right, everyone," he smiled at them. "Let's start with figuring out what kinds of animal foods we'll feed your pets."
Andy Roseanne reclined in her seat alongside her fellow Airbender students, wondering when the class would start already. Platonic Love, she heard…what was that, exactly? Love, she got that, but platonic? Oh well, she'd learn soon enough. Hopefully it had to do with wicked acts of passion.
Somehow, Lauphen had convinced Ari Mason to have a staff fight while waiting for class. Andy giggled at the mental innuendos, debated speaking them, and decided not to. Lauphen wouldn't notice or care, but Ari seemed like the sort to take offense, and if she took offense she couldn't exactly be seduced later on, now could she?
"Zuko!" someone squealed. Andy looked up to see Zuko and Sokka walk onstage. Ooh, maybe this class would feature some live-action boy-on-boy porn…
Nobody stampeded, thank goodness; news of the Fire Nation, Earth Kingdom, and Water Tribe girls' damage was well-known throughout campus. Besides, most Airbender girls chose that element because they wanted to get into Aang's pants, not some yummy Fire Nation prince's, or a cute Water Tribe boy's.
Zuko and Sokka set up shop, fiddling with the projector and its screen before managing to activate it. Sokka picked up a clicker, and an image of a heart appeared onscreen. Several girls sighed. Andy perked up. This was promising.
"Platonic Love," Sokka spoke. His tongue stumbled over the words a bit, but he got it in order and kept going. "This class will explore the many faces of platonic love. Because it is platonic. And, uh, because platonic love is—"
"Let me," Zuko sighed, taking the clicker away from Sokka. Andy felt a slow smile cross over her face as she looked at Zuko. Mm, hot Fire Nation prince. "Now, this class is dedicated to the study of Platonic Love. What is platonic love?" Well, they couldn't get to the good stuff without you telling, now could they? "Platonic love is love without any sexual or romantic aspects whatsoever."
Andy frowned. What the hell did that mean? It was a complete contradiction!
"Platonic love includes friendship, sibling love, overall familial love, and many more topics," Zuko pressed a button on the clicker, and a new image—one of a stereotypical family—appeared onscreen. "In itself, platonic love can be a beautiful thing. You must learn in this class how to realize when two characters have only platonic love for each other, and just why that platonic love should sometimes be left alone." He paused, and added, "I'm talking about Zutara, students."
"BUT IT'S MEANT TO BE!" About half the class screamed—all girls, mostly Aanglers wanting Katara out of the way so they could get Aang for themselves.
"If it was meant to be, it would be canon," Zuko snapped at them. "Sokka, help me out here!"
"Then are you two together?" Andy called out coyly. Everyone went silent. Several girls got dreamy looks on their faces. Zuko and Sokka exchanged an unreadable look, then nodded. Andy gasped with glee. "You are?"
"No," Sokka shook his head, "but we now know who the lemurs will be practicing their knife-throwing with."
Sunan shifted uncomfortably in his ice seat, trying to keep his bare legs from coming into contact with the frozen water. The one thing he regretted in choosing to be a Foggy Swamp Waterbender was that he was not allowed pants. Several Water Tribe students, all girls, glanced at him and snickered. He guessed it was at his underwear, which was at least his favorite pair from home. Hot pink, with neon green hearts.
…Well, yes, he was commonly told he had no sense of color coordination, or a fashion sense. Why do you ask?
An Earth Kingdom student took the seat next to Sunan, squirming in an attempt to keep the cold from seeping through the thin fabric of his uniform pants.
"The seats will melt half an hour in, and we'll be able to sit on the floor," Sunan informed the boy. He looked to be a few years younger than Sunan, although the older student wasn't the best at judging age.
"But the floor's metal," the boy pointed out, glancing down distastefully. "Won't it be cold from the ice? And…where are your pants?"
"I'm a Foggy Swamp Waterbender, so I can't wear pants. Why, is it weird or something?" Sunan glanced down at his legs. Inch-long black hairs stuck out at odd angles in the cool air. "At least I have underwear still."
The conversation lapsed, allowing them to hear a loud discussion several rows ahead between Amy Ochanian, Elise, and Cyrus Windfall about the disappearance of one of their fellow Earth Kingdom students.
"Seriously, it's über-freaky that she just disappeared like that, in the middle of class," Amy Ochanian shivered. "I know Anjilly said she would start a search, but that was back in Basic Canon and now it's nearly dinnertime! Have they even done anything since then?"
"Um, I'm pretty sure I saw Karen poking around in the student dorms earlier," Cyrus offered. "She was muttering something about Suki and bad tangerines and terrible fishing, but she could have just been talking to herself while looking for Mai4."
"Why are we even worried about this? It's Mai4, she can probably take care of herself," Elise scoffed. "Didn't you see her at weapons practice this morning? I'm kinda scared at what she can do with that butter knife…"
"You'd think she's practiced it before," Amy agreed. "And that sledgehammer…"
"Let's not discuss the sledgehammer. I think I'll have nightmares," Cyrus slid down a bit in his seat. "But at least she didn't think she could take on Karen."
"Yeah, poor [-]…" Amy paused. "It's weird how I know what I'm saying, but I'm not actually saying it. [-]. [-]. See? Weird."
"I was actually talking about Danish," Cyrus replied. "She only just got out of the Healer's Wing." Danish was, at present, sulking in a corner because when she insisted she needed to be with the Earth Kingdom students Toph had laughed. And laughed. And then laughed some more. Allison Doyle and Carsten D had gotten similar treatment at training, when they tried to impress their favorite blind Earthbender with their rudimentary Waterbending. They were indulging in similar sulking in their own corners.
Suddenly, Zerkz heard a whistling sound, and an arrow skimmed over his head. "What the—?" He gasped, attempting to complete a full body turn while sitting down. The result was him slipping off his seat and hurting something in his back.
"Sorry!" Vera "V" Moretti called. "I can barely see anything with this mask on!" She waved an arrow in front of her eyes to prove the point, and only the Guy Fawkes mask she was wearing prevented her from stabbing herself in the face.
"I'd say that's pretty obvious," Moon Dragon laughed. She managed to draw her butterfly swords without hurting herself, though Ashee Bieber had to throw herself on the floor to avoid a beheading. Nathaniel Willowshaunt was next to avoid a fatal wound as Moon Dragon attempted to pull out a kukri while her hands were still full with the swords—he wound up with an uneven haircut, because he was a bit slow to duck.
"Pardon me, but what are you two doing?" Sunan had turned himself around in his seat without sustaining a back injury, and was looking at the two curiously.
"Scarlet Johnson bet us five bucks each we couldn't impress Sokka with our fighting skills," Vera answered. She could have been smiling—she definitely sounded like she was smiling—but with the mask covering her face, it was hard to tell. "And then Isabella Rose said she'd raise the bet by ten dollars if we could manage to get a few hits in on Suki, and Owlson Pierce was talking about how Suki taught the Fire Nation students' Bestiology and You, so we figure we can get her then."
"Forget it!" Zerkz had managed by now to pick himself up off the floor, and was glaring at the two girls. "Suki's a warrior woman, you can't land a blow on her with those crappy fighting skills!"
"Oh please, she's such a Mary Sue," Ashee Bieber sneered.
"She is not!" Zerkz protested, gritting his teeth. "Suki is a smart, strong, intelligent girl who worked hard to get to the skill level she was at in the show. If you actually bothered to pay attention to the show at all, you'd realize that!"
Ashee's "Pfft, right" was cut off by the doors being thrown open in a completely cliché and over-dramatic style.
"I never get tired of that!" Karen cackled as a young guard pressed "play" on the boombox he was holding. William Tell's "Overture" began to play. "Wrong track, Lee. Go for number eighteen." The guard fiddled with several buttons, and a full symphony of Shostakovich began to play. "Better."
"Thank you, ma'am." Lee bowed his head.
"So," Karen looked at the students in the hall. "I'm looking for Marvin Tong, also known as Mai4—I'm not sure how I just pronounced a numeral, but it's awesome that I can, isn't it?—and I thought perhaps she could be in here. Well, since I'm not seeing a short Asian kid with braces and abnormally large hands—her description, not mine—I'll just be off." The woman turned around and walked away, Lee the guard following.
"…She's kinda weird, isn't she?" Vera strung an arrow. "All right! Lessee, I think they'll be coming in from the right…"
"By the way, Suki doesn't like being shot at," Karen poked her head around the door. Lee the guard ran back into view, the boombox he was holding still playing dramatic classical music. "No more than she likes having dead/turned-into-a-spirit love rivals brought back into her boyfriend's life. And if she asks, I was never here. Enjoy your beasts—I mean, pets." And Karen was gone again.
The students were silent for a minute, wondering if she would appear again. Finally Ashee spoke. "Geez, just how freaking crazy is—"
"BOW TO THE COOKIE LORD!" Karen shouted, again popping her head around the door. Ashee, as well as Danish, Moon Dragon, Vera, Elise, and Amy, screamed. "Sorry, had to. Carry on."
Never let it be said that an Official Fanfiction University is staffed by sane and competent human beings. Because even if they were, the "sane" part wouldn't last long.
"Hey, Iroh?" Karen poked her head into the staff's resting room. "Minor problem."
"What is it?" Iroh asked, pouring himself another cup of tea. Some of the hot liquid splashed onto his hand, and he winced. When he put the teapot down on a table, it rocked ominously until he added a few plates around it to keep it from tipping over. Such an annoying teapot it was…
"We seem to be missing one of the students," Karen confessed. "Marvin Tong—er, Mai4. Nobody's seen her. I was wondering if you had any wisdom to share."
"Honestly, I'm not sure I do," Iroh picked up his tea and took a sip. It had acquired some sort of odd taste, likely from the teapot. "A student disappearing from an Official Fanfiction University would normally be thought of as the beginning of some cheap author's plot to start involving action into the storyline. But I'm sure this university is different."
"Um. Heh. Yeah," Karen Elaine DuLay coughed. "So, missing student. Any ideas where she might be?"
"How about right here?" a surly voice came from the vicinity of the table. Iroh turned to it, puzzled. He looked underneath—nobody. Only he was in the room, with Karen in the only doorway. So where was that voice coming from…? "No, I'm on the table!"
"Hm?" Iroh's brow creased as he began to inspect the plates of food. Could the student have been somehow transformed into a dish? Oh dear, he hoped he hadn't eaten part of her before now…
"No, I'm the teapot!" the student exclaimed. Yes, the voice was definitely coming from the teapot. Iroh raised his cup to his lips for a calming sip before it occurred to him that it might be a bad idea. "I was a normal human before, and I had class with everybody else yesterday, Amy and Elise were really nice to me, but for some reason when I was in Basic Canon I got sent through this thing hovering invisible in the air and…I turned into a teapot. An annoying teapot, like I wrote on my application."
"Plothole," Karen muttered finally. "You hit a plothole. Marshall Arts's been wandering into them ever since he turned up. I should probably warn the students about the chaos the plotholes can wreak…nah. Let 'em learn on their own what a plothole does to a story. Learning through pain is an OFU tradition, after all… Uh, Iroh? How do we turn her back?"
No sooner did the words leave Karen's lips than the teapot on the table suddenly and inexplicably became a human female. "Again!" she exclaimed, clutching her head. "It happened again! That whitchamicallit…a plothole! What the heck are they?"
"Oh, just the result of authors being too lazy to explain why or how an event happens," Karen answered. "They show up when something is put into a story for no known reason, or left out on a similar charge. Friendships with canon characters that are both unlikely to ever happen or seem to be contradictory to the story, or both, make them too. Lots of ways to get a plothole, actually…it's like baking cookies. You have a bunch of different ingredients, and you can add in whatever you like, and some make for entertaining and delicious plothole cookies than an author can exploit for cheap laughs, while others make for disgusting and overcooked plothole cookies that are hard at rocks and are only good for throwing at Mary Sues. I don't like Mary Sues. They're non-canon. And I like canon. I like canon a lot, though not to the creeperish level that some people"—she had a sudden coughing fit that sounded suspiciously like "Andy Roseanne"—"would take it to. Maybe I should—"
"We understand, Karen," Iroh hastily stopped the agent. "Ms. Tong, you may return to your schedule. There is still time for you to attend the Bestiology and You class. Your pet from your registration will be there."
"Oh," Mai4 sighed. Once the initial confusion from her sudden plothole-induced return to humanity had worn off, the Asian girl's expression had slipped into a very Mai-like poker face. "I should probably go. My panda will be there. Not much else to say, he's a panda…yeah." She slid off the table, knocking several dishes to the floor. "Later."
Karen stepped aside to allow the girl to leave, then eyed the mess on the floor. "I didn't do that," she warned Iroh, "so I won't be cleaning it up."
"I'll call the cleaning crew," Iroh said. "Aren't you supposed to be helping Anjilly sort through badfics for tomorrow's class…? Or are you ditching work?"
"Actually, I'm not ditching on purpose," Karen admitted. "Though it's pretty sweet that I have a legitimate excuse for ditching this time. No, my dear Iroh, I am attempting to hide from Suki, and in my many failed attempts to do so I overheard Anj talking to a guard about a missing student, so I figured it would be a good excuse to run around and avoid the angry Kyoshi Warrior out for my blood."
"With Ms. Tong returned to normal, I would say your excuse is gone," Iroh pointed out. Karen's face fell.
"Karen!" Suki's voice floated through the doorway to reach Iroh's ears. "Where are you?" Karen winced.
"Do you think, if I throw another plothole at the teapot chick, I can pretend to be looking for a mystical cure?" She asked Iroh desperately.
"At this point," Iroh answered ominously, "I fear not even the pitiful attempts of a crackfic author could work. For Suki is standing right behind you."
"There you are!" Suki glared at the startled agent. "We have a few things to talk about…"
Iroh went over to a bookcase and pressed a panel in the wood, revealing a secret hallway. He had to teach the "Fire Nation Military" class with Zhao and Jeong Jeong in half an hour, and the two girls were blocking the door. Something told him getting past them would be a difficult business, and that intervening between the two would not be a good idea. The old general slipped into the hidden passage and made his way towards the other end.
"I…can…explain…everything?" Karen chuckled nervously. Suki's face told her the Kyoshi Warrior didn't buy it. Plan Y time. "Er…is that Yue I see, with…a fish on her head?"
Plan Y failed as well.
But just when Karen was sure she was going to get walloped by a pair of fans, she was saved by a sudden onslaught of students, whose presences were undoubtedly due to a plothole.
"THERE SHE IS!" Vera Moretti shouted, bursting through the door.
"FOR TOKKA!" Ashee Bieber shrieked, following right behind. She executed a very poor water whip in Suki's direction, only managing to splash the Kyoshi Warrior's boots. Vera fired an arrow, missing Suki and nearly hitting Karen. The only thing that saved the PPC agent were catlike reflexes honed by many years of sugar highs and an expertly-wielded chocolate chip shuriken.
Suki, meanwhile, was about to take on Ashee with her fans, but was saved the trouble when the Tokka fangirl was suddenly tackled from behind.
"LEAVE SUKI ALONE!" Zerkz shouted.
"SHE'S A STUPID MARY-SUE!" Ashee retorted, splashing him with water.
At that moment, Sukki, sukki, Sukis, and Zuki dive-bombed the students, latching on to their faces and pulling their hair.
Karen took the opportunity to duck into a nearby plothole, where she bumped into Marshall Arts. "Hey, Marshall! What're you doing here?"
He shrugged. "I just fell in here. What are you doing here?"
"Escaping from Suki. Thank goodness those students distracted her. Otherwise I might've never gotten away! Ah, the joys of plotholes...well, no, plotholes aren't always joys, but in extreme situations such as this they are..."
Marshall Arts raised an eyebrow. "You left a canon character to fend for herself against students?"
"Pfft," Karen said, waving her hand. "She's got the lemurs to protect her. If she even needs protection at all. It's Suki!"
"Indeed," said Marshall. "Now, how do we get out of here?"
"Hmm," said Karen. "Would you say it would be convenient for us to get out of here?"
"Well, of course—"
And just that like, that plothole spit them out onto the metal floor.
"Ta-da!" said Karen. "See? It's all about convenience!"
"I'll say," said another voice, and a pair of boots walked into Karen's line of vision. She looked up to see who they were attached to.
"…Hi Anj."
"Karen," Anjilly said. "Are you ready to help me sort through those badfics?"
Plotholes are not always convenient. Great thanks to the dearest Caelum Blue, who beta'd for me!