I'm kind of on fire with this story - I've never been this productive! A chapter every couple of days! :)

I've got some more done, so shouldn't be long till I post again.

Hope you like it, let me know what you think!

Enjoy, L.

Castiel couldn't believe only a week has passed from the day that changed everything. He felt as if it had been an eternity.

Cas was sitting on the roof of a very tall building in Boston. Prudential Tower he thought it was called. He liked heights, always had liked heights and once he got his wings back three days ago he spent most of his free time somewhere up.

The brothers were in a library, working on another case that brought them all to Boston and Castiel used this time to be alone. He never wanted to be alone before, but things have changed.

Looking down to the ground Cas thought he would like to fall. He had fallen once and it was the worst pain he had ever endured. But it also was the most liberating experience he had ever had. And there was nothing that Cas wanted more than to be free once again.

"It's a lie…" – The angel whispered.

And so it was, there was something he wanted more, but he was not going to get it, that much was perfectly clear to him.

Castiel sighed.

Not for the first time he wondered why his father has blessed the humanity with a gift of feelings. And was it a blessing really? Like so many other things his father had done, it seemed to be both – the blessing and the curse. It was a blessing, because there was nothing better in the entire world than loving someone. But it was a curse, because there's nothing worse than not being loved back. And it is a curse, because you can't even make yourself wish you didn't love anymore… His father was wise, so desperately wise…

Against his will Castiel's thoughts drifted back to that fateful night that changed everything. That night when for a moment there he felt what it was to be truly happy. The night that he longed for ever since.

"Don't leave Cas… Just… Don't leave."

Castiel looked at his pleading eyes and his heart felt full of feeling he didn't even know names for. This was so confusingly new that for a moment there Cas was absolutely speechless.

"I… Dean, I'm not going anywhere."

Suddenly Dean pulled back harshly and laughed angrily.

"Yeah, right! The freakin' angel will stay with the hunters and hunt badass demons forever!" – Dean swayed again, but as Cas moved to hold him, he pulled back. – "Don't touch me!" – He hissed.

"Dean, what's happening? I don't understand why are you so angry with me? I thought… I mean you just…"

"I just nothing, Castiel!" – The hunter growled and Castiel flinched at hearing Dean use his full name. – "This was a mistake, that's all. I'm drunk and I need to get home. I'll get that moose of a brother and we'll go. You're coming?"

Castiel stared at him in disbelief.

"That was a mistake?" – He asked silently. He felt as if the ground he was standing on was shaking, shattering. – "That was nothing…"

"Yeah, sorry about that, I just had too much to drink and… I don't know, I guess I just wanted to see what's it like, you know?"

"Oh…" – Castiel pulled all the strength he had to carry on. – "That's alright then, Dean. A mistake, sure. I… Yes, I… No, I mean I won't go to Bobby's now. I'll stay."

Castiel turned away from Dean. He couldn't look at him anymore. He was breaking apart and any moment now he won't be able to hold it together.

"Ah yeah, you've got yourself a girl." – Dean's voice sounded indifferent. – "Fine, have fun."

As soon as Dean left, Castiel started walking. He had no idea where he was going, but that was of no importance. He just wanted to get away. He wanted to be as far away as possible. He wanted to end this feeling that was raging in his chest. Castiel thought he already had all sorts of new things happen to him, but this was the epitaph of new. Never in his long existence had he felt the pain he was feeling now. He felt broken beyond repair. How could this have happened? How did he go from being confused to hopelessly and irrevocably bonded to Dean with one kiss? How did he go from being mind bogglingly happy to so crushingly broken with one word? Mistake. He was a mistake. His misplaced affection was a mistake. He just made a mistake. He was drunk, that's all.

It took him two days to get back to Bobby's. He couldn't risk going back any sooner, because he wasn't sure he'd be able to hold himself together.

"Cas!" – Sam shouted as he walked in. – 'Cas, damn it! I'm happy you got laid and all, but if you don't come back for two days, you call!"

"I apologize Sam. I didn't think of calling."

"I bet you didn't!" – Sam growled, but then seemed to get over it and laughed suddenly. – "I bet there were other things on your mind, if you know what I mean."

"There were other things on my mind." – Castiel agreed.

"So? How was it?" – Sam asked still laughing.

"It was new." – Castiel replied. He understood what was Sam getting at, but saw no reason to correct him. It didn't matter what he thought. It's not like Castiel could tell Sam he was out for two days agonizing for his brother. Said brother was sitting on the couch silently, not even looking at Cas which the angel had noticed but tried to ignore, as he wasn't looking at him either.

"New? Well, duh!"

"It wasn't 'duh' Sam, it was new." – Castiel corrected him. – "If you don't mind, I'd like to get some rest."

"Of course you do, you stud!" – Sam chuckled as Castiel passed them and without a glance towards Dean went to his room.

That was pretty much how it was between the three of them from then on. Castiel would talk about something meaningless to Sam, they'd even laugh sometimes. Dean joined in from time to time and they exchanged courtesy phrases like 'Do you want some coffee Cas?' and 'Sam has left you some pie Dean.'. They've also worked on the case together which meant they had to speak to each other more, but aside from that, Castiel tried to avoid being near Dean as much as he could. And he was careful to never stay alone with the hunter anymore. It wasn't really hard too, because Dean was doing exactly the same thing. It pained Castiel to realize that, because even though he stayed as far away as possible, all the time he longed to get closer. And at the same time he knew this was not the case for Dean.

So now, sitting on the roof of the building, Castiel had finally come to the decision that was looming over him ever since that night that changed things. He had to leave. It was as simple as that – he simply had to leave. He couldn't stand those long silences when he didn't say anything although he desperately wanted to and Dean didn't say anything, because there was nothing to be said for him. He could no longer stand the fact that his whole body tensed whenever Dean entered the room and he would feel almost physical pain whenever he left. He could no longer stand the dreams he had where Dean was different. Not even different, he simply was Dean he used to know.

This was the last case he'd work on with the brothers and then he'd leave.

Castiel knew he didn't have where to go, but it didn't matter. He couldn't go back to heaven or he'd be dragged into the war that Castiel didn't wish to be a part of. So he had to stay on Earth, alone. The thought frightened Castiel who never in his life was truly alone, but at the same time it gave him comfort. At least he'll have a reason to feel so desperately lonely.

When that night he came back to the motel room Sam and Dean were waiting for him.

"Where've you been?" – Sam asked.

"I went to find out more about the liquidizing monster. I think it's an arachnid of sorts." – Castiel replied. He knew it from the start, but used it as an excuse to get away.

"Yeah, we found that in the library. It was some sort of Boston underground monster. We already found it."

"Oh, so your case is over?" – Castiel asked.

"Yeah." – Dean replied. – "We were waiting for you to head home."

Castiel dropped his gaze to the floor.

"Well, this is actually something I wanted to talk to you about." – He started silently. He was glad both brothers were here. – "I'm not going with you."

"What?" – Dean growled. – "What'd you mean you're not going?"

"I… Well, you know I got my… grace back. So I thought I'd just spend some time alone."

"Why?" – Sam asked. – "I thought you liked hunting with us?"

"I do, but I would also like to do different things. I've never been free before and here's my chance. I think I'll find Anna someday, maybe we'll travel together. I don't really know. I just know I'm not going back with you for now."

"So when you're all fucking human and need help then we're good enough for you, but when you're an angel again we can get the fuck off?" – Dean was almost shaking with rage.

"I have always been an angel. Dean." – Castiel replied and for the first time after that night looked him in the eyes. What he saw there startled him. There was anger, sure, but there was also pain, deep and cutting pain. For the first time Castiel thought their expressions mirrored each other as there was certainly pain in angel's eyes, he couldn't hide it from there.

"Fuck you!" – Dean suddenly shouted and stormed out slamming the door.

For few moments Castiel stared at the door considering going after him but forcing himself to stay. Then he faced Sam.

"I'm sorry Sam." – He muttered. – "Dean is wrong, you know. You are what I consider to be family to me. I just need some time to be with myself, that's all. I hope Dean will understand that."

"He'll get over it Cas. It's fine." – Sam smiled at him. – "If I were you, I'd like to get on my own too. Just… Well don't take too long, come back to us. You know it goes both ways – you're family to us too."

"Thank you Sam. That means a lot to me." – Castiel smiled and then was surprised by Sam hugging him. – "I thought… personal space and all…"

"Nah, it's a hug, it's ok." – Sam laughed releasing an angel. – "Be safe and come back soon. I'll deal with that idiot."

"Thanks Sam." – With that Castiel walked out the door. He considered simply disappearing, but couldn't do it. He had to make sure Dean was alright before he left. So he went to a porch further away, where he was sure he wouldn't be seen, but where he could see Dean coming back.

Dean came back four hours later. He was drunk again and he wasn't alone. He staggered out of passenger's seat of the car Castiel didn't recognize and a moment later a woman got out from the driver's seat. She was young and tall and really pretty. And she was blond. With the jolt of pain Castiel suddenly realized they were usually blond for Dean.

"Thanks sweetheart." – Dean's voice garbled. He was drunk alright. – "I'll be ok now."

"Yeah you will." – She laughed then gave him a long kiss that made Castiel flinch. She laughed again and got back to the car. – "Call me when you've sobered up, we might do something fun."

Dean stood watching as she drove off and then turned to head to the motel. Suddenly he staggered, his feet reacting slower to his intentions than the rest of his body and Castiel saw him falling.

In a heartbeat, sooner than Castiel could think of what he was doing, he was catching Dean and steadying him. He didn't have time to think of how to do it so he didn't touch him too much – he simply reacted instinctively. And so here he was, holding Dean, again.

And again Dean pulled back immediately.

"What?" – He stammered. – "What the fuck are you still doing here? Aren't you supposed to be flapping and flipping across the freakin' globe?"

Castiel sighed deeply. He was a fool. Of course he should have left already. He clearly wasn't needed here anymore.

"I… I just wanted to make sure you got back alright." – Castiel said tiredly. He felt so amazingly tired now. If only he could sleep… - "I see it was pointless Dean. I'm sorry, I'll go now."

"No!" – There was so much urgency in that one word that Castiel froze in mid step. – "No! No, no, no! Don't go Cas, please, don't go!"

Castiel turned back to him. There were so many different emotions coursing through him that he couldn't concentrate on a single one of them. There was pain, sure, but pain was a constant now. There was longing that was around much too. But there was also… hope. Flickering and small but still – hope. So Castiel just stood and looked at him, waiting and not daring to really hope, but hoping nevertheless.

"Cas…" – Dean staggered again, but this time Castiel didn't try to catch him.

"What do you want Dean?" – He asked simply.

"I want…" – Dean took a step closer to him and placed his hands on the angel's chest grabbing the lapels of his trench coat. – "You."

And his lips were on Cas' again. Castiel's arms wrapped around Dean at once as all his resolve to stay strong crashed down. The angel gave into the kiss without hesitation. He missed this feeling of holding him in his arms so much it was almost painful. Castiel's lips parted and he slid his tongue into Dean's mouth, tasting him, marveling in the feelings rushing through him. He sucked on Dean's bottom lip mirroring their first kiss, when Dean did that to him and was excited to hear a soft moan escaping hunter's lips. Their tongues met and Castiel felt a shiver of raw pleasure run down his spine. He had no idea what he was doing so he just let instincts take over. Castiel pressed harder to Dean, sucked lightly on his tongue and felt the hunter growl in his mouth.

Suddenly Dean struggled to pull back from Cas' arms. He broke the kiss forcefully and stepped back.

"Wow, I see you've learned new tricks!" – He laughed bitterly. – "Did that whore teach you how to kiss Castiel?"

The angel just looked at him failing to understand what he was talking about. What was happening? How could he be kissing him one moment and then be so angry with him the next?

"I bet that's why you're leaving; you wanna spend time with that whore of yours!"

"I don't understand what you're saying Dean." – Castiel replied slowly, feeling all the pain and hopelessness catch up with him once again.

"You know perfectly what I'm saying!" – He shouted. – "Fucking ladies' man!"

Castiel just shook his head in disbelief.

"Wasn't it you who just kissed that woman?"

"That has nothing to do with you!"

"No, it really doesn't, does it?" – Castiel agreed and then shook his head slightly to clear his mind. – "Why did you kiss me Dean? What was it this time? Another mistake?"

Dean just stared at him saying nothing. Finally he turned away.

"It's alright Dean. You don't have to say anything, I understand. You're drunk, that's all." – Castiel smiled sadly. He did understand. Dean didn't really want him, not the way Castiel did. As he watched Dean walk slowly to the motel door he accepted this was it. Dean just didn't want him back. Still, despite the pain threatening to crush him he called the hunter one more time.

"Dean!"

The hunter turned back to him, his expression unreadable.

"If you ever… Well, if you ever need me… my help… Just call me, I'll come."

And before broken sound of 'Cas…' escaped Dean's mouth, the angel was gone.