Hi Guys! I'm back with the new chapter and I really hope you'll like reading it as much as I liked writing it :)
I have to warn you, this fic is rated M for a reason, and part of this reason is down here in this chapter, here's where the fun begins! If it's not something you'd enjoy, skip the last part of the chapter :)
As always, please let me know what you think!
Thx and enjoy, L.
It's been over two months – two long, but busy months. Castiel was leading an army of angel's now, being second in Samandriel's command. He was the soldier again, the warrior in both his heart and his actions. Israfil was furious having found out Castiel had joined the war and did everything he could to hunt him down. In the mean time Castiel was doing all he could to find Balthazar and get the weapons he had stolen so he could beat Israfil once and for all.
So far he was fighting a losing battle. So many of his brothers had fallen he had almost lost count. Almost. He wished he had though – the loss pained him. At the same time he was more determined than ever – he had to defeat Israfil, he had to make sure the apocalypse is not reinstated. Samandriel had told him Israfil had almost all he needed to free Michael and Lucifer and only the war they were in was stopping him. The war and the khamsa that was now hanging on Castiel's neck and that was crucial to unseal the grave. This did not lessen Israfil's determination to find and kill Castiel.
"Brother, you need to slow down." – Samandriel told him one night. – "Our brother's are tired."
"Israfil is not slowing down. I have to be first." – Castiel argued, but he knew his brother was right. The others were tired, he saw it, but he couldn't stop. If he stopped, he would think about him and he couldn't allow himself to think about him.
"You are wearing yourself out, Castiel. Slow down."
"I will go on my own then. The others need to rest, I don't."
"You do too. Couple of hours, not more and we'll resume. Get some rest, you really need it."
Castiel nodded and went out of Samandriel's chamber. He wanted to go looking for Balthazar again, but decided his brother was probably right. He had to rest or he'd be no good in a battle. He went to his room and sat down on the floor. There was no bed in his room, because he didn't sleep. He had also abandoned his vessel, but he kept his appearance – the appearance Dean used to like.
'Dean…' – He breathed. It's been two months but every free moment he had was still about Dean. Castiel tried to stay away, he really did, but still from time to time he'd go to Earth to see if he was alright.
Dean had seemed ok and that hurt, but he seemed ok and that was also a relief.
He went back to his usual habits – he was hunting with Sam, going through bars and women as if nothing had ever happened. This hurt, but this was also ok, because he was ok.
And yet, sometimes at night Castiel would hear Dean calling him and he'd look and see he was dreaming. And it was a relief, because Dean remembered him, but it also hurt, because Dean wasn't ok.
Couple of times he heard Sam pray to him, asking him to come back, saying Dean wasn't ok with Castiel gone. Castiel never went back, because Dean didn't want him to. And it hurt, because all Castiel wanted was to go back and yet he knew he wouldn't. And it hurt, because Dean wasn't ok.
/\/\/\/\
Dean stared blankly at the ceiling of the motel room. Next to him pretty girl was sleeping soundly having wrapped herself around him. He didn't care, she was all wrong.
Dean did his best to rip that stupid angel from his mind, but all he thought of was him. Was he alright? Was he alive at all? Was he still thinking of him?
The warm body against him stirred sleepily and Dean thought how wrong it felt. Only once had he slept with the angel in his arms and now everyone else was wrong. He tried other women, but every time he came back to this – they were wrong. He even considered having a man, but he never met anyone he'd be attracted to. Except that fucking angel.
Dean untangled himself from the girl, gathered his things and went out without a second glance at the girl. She was not him.
As he drove back to Bobby's, Dean thought of what had become of his life. From the outside nothing has changed. He was doing everything right – hunting with Sammy, drinking with Bobby, fucking any decent skirt that wandered his way, trying to find Crowley and not talking about Castiel.
On the inside everything has changed, because when he was hunting with Sammy, he thought about Cas, when he was drinking with Bobby, he thought about Cas, when he was searching for Crowley he thought about Cas, when he was fucking the next girl he was sure as hell thinking about Cas and when he was not talking about Cas all he wanted to do was talk to him.
Two months of this torture and Dean was barely holding up. Was he alright? Was he alive at all? Was he still thinking about him?
/\/\/\
The next morning Dean woke up to a sound of loud knocking on the door.
"Sam, get that! It's driving me insane!" – He growled through his sleep but the next moment all of his sleepiness was gone as he heard the door open and Sam shout out Castiel's name in surprise.
Dean jumped out of the bed and ran to the door, wearing nothing but his boxers. He looked at Cas and frowned. There was something wrong. Cas had never looked at him like that.
"Cas?" – He asked silently.
"No, it's Jimmy, Jimmy Novak." – The man replied and Dean understood it all. The wave of deep disappointment rushed through him. This was not Cas.
"I'm sorry to wake you, but I really need your help. You're my last chance!"
Dean nodded and then mumbled, - "let me get dressed, we'll speak then."
When he returned he heard Jimmy telling Sam that he had Bobby's number and the hunter told him where they were. He traveled for two days to find them and that he didn't know what else to do. Dean watched him carefully, frowning deeply. Jimmy had Cas' eyes, but the look in them was all wrong. He had Cas' voice, but he talked differently – different choice of words, different cadencies. He had his body, but he moved differently. And most of all, to Dean's surprise, he didn't attract the hunter the slightest. Yes, he was similar to the man he longed for, but he was not him. He was just a stranger, nothing more.
"So, how can we help you Jimmy?" – Dean asked settling down on a coach.
"Well… I'm looking for Castiel, can you help me find him?" – He asked cautiously.
"If he's not in you, there's nothing much we can do, you know. He can't come to us, we're not immune to his angel mojo."
"I understand but I thought… Maybe you could pray for him to return? He was very partial of you and your brother, as far as I remember – maybe he'd listen to you?"
"I don't understand. Have you tried praying to him?" – Dean asked confusedly.
"Yes. When he was leaving he promised to come back if something happened and I needed his help. He promised he'd do anything to protect my family! I need his help – there's a demon in my wife! He'll kill her and my little girl and that angel owes me! He has to come back and deal with it. So I've been praying and praying, but the son of a bitch hasn't showed up! He promised and now he simply abandoned me!"
"Yeah, well, he's good at that."
"Dean, you don't think something happened to him?" – Sam asked carefully.
"No. Nothing could have happened. He's probably too busy playing war with his feathery ass of the brothers to notice such trivial things."
"It doesn't sound like him… I have also prayed to him, you know and he didn't respond."
"When did you pray to him?" – There was definitely worry in his voice now. Cas was probably busy, that's true, but he wouldn't ignore Sammy, would he?
"A week ago or so."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"You don't want to talk about him, so I didn't."
"And you?" – He turned to Jimmy. – "When did you pray to him?"
"It's all I've been doing for the last two days."
"Damn it!" – Dean growled. – "Damn it, damn it!"
He then took a deep breath and composed himself. He needed to be strong now.
"Castiel? If you can hear me… Jimmy needs you, please help him."
Dean expected a flash of light and Cas would be walking in Jimmy's shoes, so to say, but nothing happened.
"Cas? Come down here, you promised this poor idiot to help him!"
More silence. This was not funny at all. Castiel had never failed to come when Dean called.
"Dean, I think he might be…"
"No!" – He cut across him, before he could finish the sentence. – "No! He's just busy, that's all. He'll be here in no time."
"He never took his time… There must be something wrong."
"Shut up Sammy! He's fine! He'll be here any moment!"
But he wasn't. They spend all day waiting and Dean kept calling him way past the point both Sam and Jimmy lost any hope. Dean didn't lose his hope. Cas had to be alive. If Cas was dead then all was lost. Dean thought he accepted the loss of Cas when he left, but that was a lie. He never accepted it and was not ready to accept it still.
"Cas, come down here, you son of the bitch!"
"Dean, you've got to stop this!" – Sam pleaded. He could no longer watch his brother struggle with accepting the fact that Cas couldn't come back.
"Shut the fuck up, Sam!" – Dean growled and stormed to his room, slamming the door.
"Cas," – he whispered, - "Cas, please I beg you! Please come back. Just for a moment… Please, I'm begging you, come back…"
He was losing hope now. He would have come back. Dean could think of just one reason why he didn't and it scared him to death.
"Cas, please! Just please come back!"
And finally he saw the light in the next room and he burst out of his bedroom searching for him.
His eyes met Castiel's and in that instant Dean knew it was him. Their eyes locked to each other and with that single look Dean felt his mouth run dry, the shiver run down his spine and the bulge in his pants grow.
Sam pulled Cas into a strong hug, and he hugged Sam back, but his eyes remained fixed on Dean's. There were so many unspoken things he knew he'd never get the chance to express that he simply stared at him for as long as he could. Finally Sam broke their contact by standing right in front of Cas.
"Where the hell have you been Cas?" – He asked. – "We've been calling for hours!"
Castiel looked at him seriously. How could he tell him he couldn't return, because Dean asked him not to? All that time that Dean was calling him, Cas did all he could to stop himself from coming down here. He knew Jimmy needed him, but he had been in the middle of the battle when he called. By the time he could go down to help him, he was already at Dean's and Cas didn't want to come. He waited for Jimmy to get out, even for a second, but he never did. And finally Cas couldn't take Dean's pleas anymore and he went down despite knowing this was a mistake. This was not something he could tell Sam, though.
"I was… engaged." – He said silently. – "I'm sorry if you were worried. I was going to help Jimmy; he should've waited for a bit longer."
"Are you alright?" – Sam asked. – "It's been months! Why haven't you come back?"
"I am really busy up there. Besides, I left Jimmy and didn't want to disturb him just to let you know I was alright."
"Nice, Cas!" – Sam growled. – "You do realize we were worried? I prayed to you!"
"I know, I heard. But I did see you were not in immediate need of an angel so I decided not to drag Jimmy into this again. I'm sorry Sam, I know this is not what you want to hear, but I'm up in a war there, I don't have time for courtesy visits."
Dean felt blood starting to boil in his veins.
"You don't have time for courtesy visits?" – He growled silently.
And again their eyes met and the time froze for a moment.
"You made it clear Dean." – The angel said finally. With a twinge of pain he realized he missed even saying his name out loud. He didn't want to say too much – Sam didn't know that Dean asked him not to return. He turned back to Sam.
"I'll be off now. Jimmy needs help, I should go."
"No." – Both Sam and Dean said and then looked at each other.
"I want to talk to you." – Dean said in the voice that didn't allow arguments.
"So do I." – Sam agreed. – "Damn it, Cas, I've missed you!"
"I'm sorry Sam, I did want to come, but… It's been impossible. I don't have time anyway. I have to go." – He ignored Dean completely. It was bad enough he came here in the first place, he wouldn't make it harder on Dean – he couldn't speak to him alone; that was not safe.
"Castiel, I want to talk to you." – Dean repeated.
"I'm sorry, but I have nothing to tell you." – Castiel replied dryly, trying to sound indifferent. – "I have to go."
"Fuck you, Cas! You're gonna talk to me, whether you like it or not! Sam, please get out. I want to talk to this idiot alone!"
"But…"
"Sam, please, for the love of God, just get out! This is not the time, please!"
"Fine. But you owe me an explanation and it's better be good one!" – Sam grabbed the keys. – "And you – I want to speak to you too, so please don't disappear on me!"
With this he slammed the door and left.
At that very instance Castiel could have sworn the tension in the room reached near breaking point. He could almost physically feel Dean's eyes on him.
"Look at me." – He said silently, but Castiel just shook his head.
"I shouldn't have come. I know you didn't want me to ever come back, but… I'm sorry, I couldn't take it any longer. Please, just don't ever pray to me again."
"Look at me." – He repeated a bit louder, but Castiel shook his head again.
"Will you just fucking look at me?" – Dean growled and Cas raised his head to meet his eyes.
"I thought you were dead." – He said staring at him. – "For a moment there I thought you were dead."
"I'm sorry."
"You heard me begging you to come back and you didn't." – He was speaking with deliberate calmness.
"You asked me to never return. I failed you."
"I thought you were dead." – Dean repeated without releasing Cas' gaze.
"Well, wasn't that the point of it all? Didn't you ask me to never return so you wouldn't know or care if I was alive? Didn't you just want to move on and forget about me?"
"So now it's about me? Now it's about what I want?" – Dean was shouting again. His fury took over and he couldn't control it anymore. – "Why wasn't it about me, when I asked you to stay? Why didn't you listen to what I wanted when I begged you not to leave me?"
"It was about you! It's always been about you!" – Castiel was shouting now too. – "I won't let Israfil win! I won't let Michael and Lucifer kill you and your brother!"
"Fuck you, Cas! I can take care of myself! You don't have to fight my battles! Don't make it about me, when all you wanted is to get back and be a good little soldier!"
"All I wanted?" – Cas laughed bitterly. – "All I ever wanted was you! It was always you! When you wouldn't even look at me, I wanted you! When you asked me to pretend there was nothing happening, I wanted you! When you kissed and had sex with the parade of women, I wanted you!"
"And did you want me when you left me?! Did you want me when I asked you to choose between me and your war and you chose the war?!"
"This wasn't about wanting! This was about doing all I can to protect you and the rest of my family!" – Castiel felt his hands shake slightly. He took a deep breath trying to compose himself. – "Dean, why are we even talking about this? You asked me to choose and I did. I knew the consequences and I have to live with them every single day. You knew the consequences too and you got your share of the pain. It's done now. You need to move on and it will all be alright. You're human and humans go through the end of whatever it was we had every single day."
"Did you move on? Is it over for you?" – Dean asked looking at his eyes searchingly.
"No." – He said simply.
"No." – Dean nodded still looking at his eyes. – "You know, I knew Jimmy wasn't you even before he said a single word."
"You did?" – Cas asked silently. He didn't break the gaze.
"Yes, I did. He looked all wrong. And he didn't look at me the way you do."
"How is it I look at you?"
"You look at me as if you wanted me. He didn't. I hated the absence of that look in his eyes."
"What are you doing, Dean?" – Castiel asked, but he still didn't break the gaze.
"And when you came, I knew it was you. Not from the flash of light, but from this very look in your eyes. One fucking look and I'm gone. This look makes my mouth go dry and my hands itch with the need to touch you. This look I've been dreaming of every single night since you left. This look makes me want to rip your clothes off and kiss you and fuck you until you come screaming my name."
"Dean…" – Cas almost moaned his name and without realizing what he was doing, he bit his lower lip.
"Fuck Cas, don't bite your lip. If I touch you now, I will stop at nothing." – He groaned and Castiel released his lip. It was red and full and it took all Dean had not to jump him.
"He looks like you, but he's not you." – Dean continued. – "I resented his every word and every move because he wasn't you. And I sure as hell didn't want him. And then you come and from the first look you give me all I want is to grab you and kiss you and never let go. You look at me and I don't care about the days and weeks I spent worrying about you. You look at me and I want to hold you and tell you it's all going to be ok now, because you look like you need this. You look at me and I'm pissed at you because it's been so long since you looked at me this way. And most of all I want you to look at me this way all the fucking time. So ask me Castiel."
"What?" – Castiel's gaze shifted to the hunters lips and he could no longer concentrate or form a proper thought.
"Look at me." – He ordered and the angel's head snapped back up to his green and commanding eyes. – "Ask me."
Castiel looked at him in confusion for a moment longer but then he realized what he meant.
"What do you want, Dean?" – He asked finally.
And finally Dean moved to him, seizing the back of his neck and pulling him inches from his lips.
"I want you." – He closed the gap between their lips.
And it was all it took. Castiel moaned loudly as Dean sucked in his bottom lip and his hands clutched at him desperately, pressing them hard against each other. Dean deepened the kiss, their tongues clashing, tasting, remembering each other.
"Dean…" – Castiel moaned as the hunter trailed his kisses down his neck, nipping at him, biting him.
"Do you like this?" – He asked and then slid his tongue back up Castiel neck. The angel nodded, words failing him.
"Speak to me Cas. Do you like this?" – Dean repeated between kisses and sucking on the angel's flesh.
"I like… Argh, I like it…" – He whispered trying to stay coherent. The feeling of Dean all over him overwhelmed him.
"Good… You're gonna love what I'll do to you and you're gonna tell me just how much you love it." – He kissed him on the mouth again. – "Now raise your hands."
Castiel raised his hands and Dean pulled off the sweater that felt all wrong to Cas. Jimmy's choice of clothes was incomprehensive to him – what was wrong with a suit and a coat?
"Stay with me Cas." – Dean ordered and then sucked on his bottom lip again. – "I want your full attention."
Dean pulled off Cas' T-shirt and frowned a little at the scar that was running down his stomach. It was new and all wrong.
"You've changed." – He accused.
"No, Jimmy has changed. He got into an accident." – Cas explained looking at Dean's eyes.
"That idiot should take better care of your body." – He growled and then traced his kisses down the scar getting another moan from Castiel.
Dean unbuckled Cas' belt and pulled down his jeans. He took a step back to look at him, but Cas groaned with the loss of contact and in a heartbeat Dean was back, holding him closely in his arms, kissing him and caressing him.
"I want to see you too." – Castiel gasped between kisses and Dean shrugged out of his shirt and pulled off his T-shirt at once.
"Like that?" – He asked, but the angel shook his head.
"All of you."
"Good." – He whispered in a husky voice and then pulled the angel towards his room. – "There, my room."
He led him to his bed and pushed him onto it. Then he unbuckled his own belt and pulled off his jeans along with his boxers. Castiel stared fixedly at his cock – big and full and hard. Dean leaned in and pulled Cas' boxers off. He smiled to himself – he was a bit afraid of this part – what if he saw another man naked and didn't want him anymore? Now he understood how stupid he'd been. Looking at Cas he realized he was all he had ever wanted.
Dean slid between Cas' legs and started kissing him again, trailing his kisses down from the angel's neck, to his chest. He sucked forcefully on his left nipple, rubbing the right one. Castiel's body arched slightly at that making Dean do that again.
"You like that?" – He asked licking his nipple.
"Yes, yes..." – The angel nodded and Dean smiled to himself. He trailed his kisses down to angel's stomach, but his fingers continued playing with his nipples – pinching them and rolling them. Castiel writhed underneath him and Dean relished in his pleasure. Before releasing his nipples, Dean once again sucked on the left one forcefully and finally bit it pulling it slightly. He knew it must have hurt a little, but Castiel's cry was not one of pain, it was of pleasure and Dean loved it.
"So loud, so responsive." – He mumbled to himself and then circled Dean's belly button with his tongue. – "I could get used to that…"
Suddenly he took Cas' cock firmly in his hand and sucked on its head tasting him for the first time. Castiel's body arched once again and his hips bucked uncontrollably. Dean circled the head of the cock with his tongue slowly, almost lazily, but Castiel's body reacted with as much force.
"Get yourself under control Cas." – He whispered and licked him again. And again Cas' hips bucked against his will.
"I can't…" – He moaned.
"Yes, you can. Get yourself under control or I'll stop." – And again he licked him and sucked at him. It was an empty threat, there was nothing that could make him stop now, but Cas didn't know that and Dean enjoyed controlling him the way he did. Cas' hips still bucked, but this time he got hold of himself a little trying to control the emotions running through him.
"Good, I like it when you obey." – And now he opened his mouth and sucked in Castiel's cock almost to the base of it. He felt full and it was good. He sucked on it holding Cas' hips firmly in place. Castiel moaned loudly and almost desperately. There was no way he could hold on for long.
"Dean…" – He pleaded. – "Please, Dean…"
"Not yet, Cas." – Dean whispered as he released Cas' cock and the angel whimpered. – "Soon, hold on for me a little longer."
And again he sucked on him forcefully, coming into a rhythm and holding Cas' hips firmly in place.
"Dean!" – He moaned loudly now. – "Dean, I can't!"
But this time Dean didn't stop. His look was enough for Cas to understand he had to hold on and he did all he could to obey as Dean pumped and sucked him giving him both pleasure and torture Cas had never experienced. Finally, as Cas was about to let go, Dean released him once again and Cas whimpered again.
"Now Cas." – Dean growled. – "I want you to come. Don't hold out on me, you hear me? I want you to come for me with all you have."
Castiel moaned again as Dean's mouth returned on him. He tried to hold on, but he couldn't carry on for the life of him and so he came for the first time in his life shouting Dean's name. In that instant the room went bright as day and his hips bucked again and again until finally he collapsed on the bed shaking and shivering and it all went dark again. And then Dean was holding him in his arms, stroking his hair and soothing him.
"It's alright, Cas." – He whispered, kissing his cheeks and his eyes. – "It's ok. I know it's a lot, but I wanted you to really feel it."
"I never… I never even thought it was possible… How can you stop from doing this all the time? Is it always like that?"
"Well, no, not really." – He looked at him curiously. – "No one has ever gone all supernova on me as they came. It's an angel thing. And also – I have never come without even being touched."
"You mean you came too? But I don't understand… It's not supposed to work like that, is it?"
"No, not with humans anyway. I think your, I don't know – bliss maybe? I think it pushed me over the edge too."
"Was it this good for you too?" – He asked smiling sheepishly.
"It was… Fuck it, it was amazing!" – He laughed and kissed him full on the mouth. Castiel could taste the last bits of himself on his tongue and this was alright.
It was amazing.